ANA Y4 D32

You know those ads for meds that are like "don't like zepotalism stop you from living you life!"? That's how I acted yesterday. I ignored my head the best I could I just did as much as I could. Sometimes it worked, but for the most part it didn't. But I tried. I detailed my car. Like 3 hours of hand washing and cleaning. That made me happy. I installed a new cat door. I cleaned. I did laundry. I did a million little things to distract myself. At least I felt productive even if I felt like killing myself. I will go out with a clean house and clean underwear! Going to do the same today. Going to paint the laundry room. Knock out one of my vacation tasks early. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y4 D31

Had a small window of silence yesterday. Was so nice. From like 1pm on. But now it's back again. It's mild this morning but it's there. It's at a functional level right now. Let's see how the day goes.

Few more days and I am on my break. I can make it. 

ANA Y4 D30

Seriously? Can I get one day of relief? Nope. Wake up. Head scream. I am so tired of it. Pressure changes. Heat. Rain. Heat. Rain. Fuck this. Screwdriver please.

ANA Y4 D29

 Nothing to report. I mowed the lawn. Then it rained. I am like Kafka.

ANA Y4 D28

I wish that I could say I was "better" but I am not. I did actually work with a client yesterday which brought me some enjoyment. Instead of just blankly staring at a screen all day I got some interaction with other human beings. It was still hot yesterday which didn't help. Reached over 100 at one point. I still find myself pondering time zones and heat. Hear me out. Here it gets sweltering starting around 2 or 3pm. Keeps going until 9pm. I think about being back on the west coast. I think about how you would never be caught dead sitting out at the beach from 11-3 as that's the worst of it. But by six, it starts to cool down. Time zones. Yeah, this is how my brain works. We didn't eat until almost 8pm last night because we were too hot. It's supposed to break today. We shall see.

Oh and for the record, yes I bitch about the cold, I bitch about the heat. Fall. Fall is when I am happy. 

ANA Y4 D27

I was thinking about my birthday yesterday morning. I was thinking about how I cancelled my BBQ. I told everyone that it was because I didn't want to interrupt their 4th of July weekend. I casually said oh yeah, we will reschedule for later in the month. But I won't. Because the truth is, I cancelled it because I am tired of being the one who has to plan, coordinate, organize, host, cook, and clean up their own birthday party. I will be turning 57 years old. You know how many surprise parties I have had? Zero. You know how often in my adult years I have been the one to have to hype my own birthday? I didn't do it this year. I didn't "remind" people. I haven't sent out obnoxious posts saying "only xxx hours until my birthday!". Because the reality is, no one gives a fuck. No one cares about my birthday.

Of course this all tracks back to childhood trauma. I mean let's be honest, doesn't everything? For real. Remember when I said I was excited to go to Nashville solely in part because of how mundane and banal in the grand scheme of things the trip really was? This holds true for my birthday. Not once have I ever had a birthday party where neighborhood kids or classmates come over and we have a magician or a clown and stupid backyard shenanigans. Not once. Not once did I have a pizza party at Chuck E Cheese or a hotel pool party. Not fucking once. My birthdays were spent with my grandparents and parents and siblings. My birthdays were spent by myself later on. People forgot. I was Sam in 16 candles. Now I can trace part of this back to a few things. One - summer baby. So no in school party or reminders. Two, we never lived in a house or neighborhood. I didn't have neighborhood friends. We were too busy moving in the middle of the night. Lastly my grandmother. The thought of uncouth children running in her backyard was probably the thing of nightmares. Dear god the horror of screaming children having fun! What would the neighbors think! Heavens! Yeah well fuck you.

So here I am at 57 years old chasing a high I can never have. Chasing the simplicity of normal fucking birthday party. I spent so many years having to hype my own shit up because all I wanted was normalcy. I spent years looking like a desperate fool and idiot. No more. If anyone even remembers I will be amazed. But I am not going to be the one this year to reach out. I am done with it. I apologize to all of you who I pressured into treating me special on my birthday. I am sorry for my neediness. 

ANA Y4 D26

C is already up and off to work. The freezers died at her work because of the heat. What a shock. It's not even 6am and it's already 80 something outside. It's going to break 100 today. Okay got her out the door. 

I had another rough day and I just gave up. I slept for over 3 hours yesterday because I was just done. Ironically that did the trick? For the first time in days my head wasn't splitting and my ears were quiet. Still going to the doctor when I can though. I need to rule out any physical issues before I start going down the path of mental ones. Have my ears checked by a doctor, have my jaw and bite checked by the dentist. Have my eyes checked by an eye doc. If all that checks out then I work with my therapist. I will get to the bottom of this.

Made a pork butt. Watched the finals of the game. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D25

I sent in a request for a doctor appointment. I need to rule out anything physical before I work on mental issues. Let's see how long it takes to get in to see her. In the 90s yesterday and close to 100 today. I was going to do some stuff in the yard but have decided nope. I will stay inside and stay cool. It's 7am and already 79 out. I am not about to add heat stroke on top of everything else. Making a pork butt today at 9am. I do need to fix the sticky tape on the hallway rug today. It's sliding all over the place thanks to the idiot behind me. Other than that, low impact activities only. Just a week and a half until I am on "vacation". Woo.

ANA Y4 D24

Sigh. I wish I could say I had a decent day yesterday but I would be lying. My ears are pushing me to the point of insanity. The constant weather and pressure changes are splitting my head wide open. I need some consistency please. We go from 85 degree days to 68 and raining in minutes. It's killing me. Plus I am stressed out which isn't helping. The house needs a major cleaning and I don't have the energy to do it. It's a vicious cycle that's never ending. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know I am worrying about it which makes it worse. Because, yeah, it is all in my head. Sadly.

Went to the store. Made dinner. Worked. Washed and changed the sheets. Swept. Took dog for walk.  

ANA Y4 D23

Slept like absolute shit. Up and down all night. Ears screaming. Weather sucks. Rain. Hot. Sticky. Need a new comforter. Need to wash sheets. Off to the store. Fuck this.