ANA Y4 D193

Very faint today. Still there but I feel it will fade.

Busy day yesterday. Hair appointment, groceries, and errands. I did get something cool. I got an email recently from a local used bookstore saying that a book I had requested had arrived. It's been at least 4 years since I submitted that request. I stopped and picked it up on the way home from hair. I finally once again have a copy of Watership Down. It is wrapped and under the tree. $5 Xmas present and I love it. 

Ate all the party leftovers for dinner, took dog for a walk, watched some TV. Quiet, nice day. 

ANA Y4 D192

On Thursday C said to me, watch, the minute everyone is out the door Friday night, your head will stop. Not quite but close. Yes, it is silent this morning. Stress of the week? Probably. All I know is I am going to enjoy it as long as I can.

C's bday went off perfectly. I was up early finishing the cake, made the sangria, taught, ordered food, had a meeting, guests arrived, fun was had! We were done by 10pm as she has to work today and I have a hair appointment. The house is relatively put together still. Just have to do laundry this weekend, otherwise, I am free for two days. 

ANA Y4 D191

Still screaming. I'm satressed. Work. Cat birthday. Party. Work. Life in general. We all know what is going on. Nothing ever changes the way I need it to. Couple more weeks.

ANA Y4 D190

Yes, I am still here. Of course I am. Do you think I am going to do something right before C's birthday? I mean come on. Nor am I going to ruin anyone's Christmas. No, the optimal time is the week between Christmas and New Year's. Nothing going on really anyway that week. 

My head has been screaming for three days now. I can't take any more. I have to teach today too. This is going to be hell. 

ANA Y4 D189

I am so tired of this. I am tired of my head. My body. My life. My head is splitting already. My leg hurts. My back hurts. My tooth hurts. I don't want to work any more. I don't want to try and find a job in an oversaturated market. I am so far in debt. I don't know which is more true:

I've been down so goddamn long that it looks like up to me

or

I have to look up just to see hell.

Both work right now. I am tired of trying. You know what I realized? That when that time comes, it won't be with a lot of fanfare or noise. It will be quiet. No one will notice. There will be no cries for help or seeking of attention. It will just happen. 

Sure, C will be sad. But she is young and will be able to move on just fine. She can have 40+ years with someone else. She will make it through. The kid will be sad too but in some ways I think she'll have seen it coming. She will have time to process it and be able to take joy in the time we had. 

As for the rest of you, pardon the cliche, but I will become someone you used to know. You'll think about me on occassion and say my what a shame but it will fade. The world will still go on. Things won't stop becaise I am gone. You'll log in here one day and notice I haven't posted in a while. But over time I will fade away from your memories and thoughts. That's okay.

I will finally be at peace. 

ANA Y4 D188

Silence today. Slept a good amount, no alarm, heat off, humidifier on. Which is good because yesterday was bad. All day non-stop. Loud too. Just piercing my skull all damn day.

Worked on a presentation just to be told we're going to do short form videos instead. What? The one media I hate more than anything. I will adapt though. I always do.

Made meatball orzo for dinner. Took dog on late walk. Watched tv. 

ANA Y4 D187

The screaming got louder yesterday and has been going non-stop. I couldn't sleep and it's still going. This is the cycle - sleep helps but it's too loud to sleep well. Fuck me.

 C made dinner last night. We did laundry. We went for a walk in the snow. Watched TV.

ANA Y4 D186

Faint scream today. Same as yesterday. Functional levels. Not saying much, but I can handle.

Saturday so did laundry, cleaned, the usual. Made little chickens for dinner. Took dog for walk. It finally started snowing for real. A few inches out there. More today.

ANA Y4 D185

Still screaming. Fainter today but still there. All day yesterday.

We tried to go out and have a morning date time. We went to a place we've been before but something changed. The service was awful, the food was horrible. My eggs were rubbery and bland. It was just a bad meal. We had fun, but the food sucked.

I spent the rest of the day on the Cards Against Humanity website. They brought back their 99% off sale. Last time they did this in 2018 they had a car for $97.50. This year it went from 12-9 and they had a lot of junk but some good stuff in between. If you wanted an item you clicked it then you had to answer via a captcha questions about that item. For example, click all the pictures of ports on this TV. You had a time limit and guess limit. Some were easy (like the TV) others required major googling. If you answered the captcha right, you got put into a pool for random draw. Sadly, I did not win anything but I tried for:

• 100" TV ($20)
• Hermes Birkin purse ($127)
• Woodchipper ($9)
• 16th Century Painting ($25)
• $100 Red Lobster gift card and lobster suit ($11)
• Millenium Falcon Lego set ($9)

There were a couple more things but nothing exciting. It was fun trying but sadly no wins. Oh well. We watched some tv, had leftovers for dinner. Played games together and went to bed around 9:30. C works today but is off Sunday. Less than a week until her birthday!!

ANA Y4 D184

Ah the screaming is back. I was doing so well too. Sigh.

We had a quiet day. Went on a walk. Made ham. Watched a movie. Bugonia. Interesting. Went to bed.