ANA Y2 D34

Has it really only been a little over a month? Wow. Okay. I started thinking yesterday about what I was doing this time last year. Safe to say I was in a very different mental place, wasn't I? I had just gotten my two flower tattoos. Had gone on a date. Was about to leave for NC. Was living the weirdest life ever. Yet, here I am. What is this all about? I move forward yet I don't. I am on the most fucked treadmill ever. Am I in hell? Am I already dead? If so, what next?

ANA Y2 D33

Yesterday was rough. It was one of those days where if the class is slow I need all the time and then some. But if the class is fast I struggle having enough material to keep them engaged. This sadly was one of the latter and I have a second day with them today. Plus the product has changed significantly since the last update to the material and I was scrambling. As I said, I get to do it again today. Loads of fun. We ate through leftovers for dinner. Made homemade frozen yogurt. That was fun. Watched some tv. Played some games. C's foot is still hurting. She won't go back to the doctor either. Can't force her but I worry. Went to bed around 11. Almost weekend. Almost birthday. Joy.

ANA Y2 D32

I started making phone calls yesterday. I got some things changed but other I couldn't. The biggest issue is the bank. They won't let me do it without basically being in person. I have to drive to Chicago to the nearest Wells Fargo. Seriously. Fucking assholes. Without that changed I can't change my payroll or insurance. Pain in the ass.

Taught until 6:30. Made enchiladas. Oh gave blood in the morning. Tired. More teaching today 9:30 to 5:30. Same tomorrow.

ANA Y2 D31

I have a new license. Well, I have a temporary piece of paper that says my name and gender. The real one will be here in like 3 weeks. But still. Things aren't much better for me mentally. I am putting on a real game face right now. I have therapy friday. Maybe that will help.

ANA Y2 D30

I know I haven't written a lot in the last few days. My mental health is on a bit of a decline. I am overwhelmed by many things right now and it's hard to get words on the page. There's too much going on in my head. I am trying my best to capture what was important and noteworthy of the day but the days are blending together and I see a cliff up ahead. I am trying, but it's not easy right now.

We bine watched half of the new season of The Bear. Technically we made it through 6 of 10 episodes. Then the rain started and we discovered our gutters were clogged. I had to get out in the storm and clean them out. That wasn't fun at all.

We ate leftovers and watched some more tv. Went to bed around 10.

ANA Y2 D29

We didn't get home until after midnight. We went out for the first time in a long while. Started the day with a hair appointment. I am blonde again. Came home, took care of things around the house like laundry, went out again at 6 to meet a friend. Took her to a horrible bar because she was adamant about going there, then we took her to normal people places where we ran into other people we know and had drinks. It was a tiring adventure, but at least I got out of the house. Where my mask of sanity and it didn't seem to slip.

ANA Y2 D28

 I feel a lot has happened in a month. But then again, when doesn't it? The only time I had a "calm" time was during COVID. Did a lot of errands yesterday that were important to me. I got certified copies of my court order. I got a new Social Security card. Congratulations, it's a girl. Changed my name with my pharmacy and Hilton. Submitted a request with my insurance. Monday is new driver's license. With that I can change the bank and other financial institutions. Get all new cards. Go me.

ANA Y2 D27

History is repeating itself and not in a good way. It's 2010 all over again. I can't do this again. I am close to the edge. Only one way out right now. I can't keep going like this and I don't know what to do. I can't. I just can't. I'm going to cry. I am going to walk in traffic. I worked so hard. Built it up now take it apart climbed up real high now fall down real far no need for me to stay last thing left I just threw it away.

ANA Y2 D26

Seriously, this has been the most boring week ever. Not complaining. Just doesn't make for interesting posts, sorry. I worked all day, gave a webinar, set up the new AC in the office, we had taco bell for dinner as a treat, watched TV, played Diablo, went to bed. Literally that was our day. Guess what? More of that today. Whee.

ANA Y2 D25

Nothing much to write about yesterday. It was long and boring. I taught from 10 until 6, made tacos for dinner, watched some tv, played video games, went to bed. C is trying to walk more on her leg and was able to help do the dishes last night. As small and stupid as that sounds, it was a big help. One less thing on my plate after teaching all day. I appreciated the effort. More of the same the next two days.

ANA Y2 D24

I had a new experience yesterday. I went to the doctor with C for a regular exam. I got to see how an adult behaves at the doctor. Where I didn't have to "remind" her to ask the doctor about the 900 things she said she wanted to talk to him about instead of watching random videos and searching WebMD on shit. What a shock. 

Made steaks for dinner. Teach from 10:30 - 6:30 today and not looking forward to it.

ANA Y2 D23

Tried to sleep in a bit this morning. Didn't really get much of a weekend, did we? Because we lost so much of saturday I found myself having to do a lot yesterday to catch up. Got the tags for the car, got groceries, washed the truck, cleaned the house, and generally tried to deal with things. By the time we were done with dinner and all else, the day was over and it was 11pm. Lost weekend and not in a good way. C has a doctor appointment this afternoon. Looking forward to going with her.

ANA Y2 D22

Friday night around 9:30 C gets the message that her dad has had a heart attack. For the record this is his sixth. He has a heart condition and had his first when he was 30. This is what led to the stroke that paralyzed him. Because of that, any time this happens there is fear that this will be the one that does him in. At 10:30 we drove to the hospital. Ended up being there past 2. By the time we got back to her sister's place and wound down, it was 3:30. We were back at the hospital by 9am. He had another minor one during the time we were gone and they had him on a nitro drip. He finally stabilized and we were able to leave the hospital about 1pm. It was a crazy 12 hours. On the upside, this is the hospital where her sister works in the cardiac department. Gave us better access and information than the normal person would have had. But it was stressful for everyone. I did get to meet her sisters finally but I wish it had been under better circumstances. We got home around 2:30 and crashed for two hours. Made us dinner, watched tv, and then tried to relax. C's brain is lying to her right now and making her feel horrible so we didn't have a fun night. I get it. I know what it's like to have your brain telling you bad things. Just have to ride this out and see what happens. It's 4:30 right now and I have shit to do.

ANA Y2 D21

 We're not home right now. We had an emergency in C's family and we were at the hospital 90 minutes away until 2am. Her dad had a heart attack. Slept on her sister's couch. Will write more about it later or tomorrow. 

ANA Y2 D20

Court order not filed yet. Checking every day. 

Mouth is killing me. Had session 3 of 4 yesterday. One more to go and I won't have to go to the damn dentist for a year. I've spent over $1000 on my mouth so far this year. But at least I will have my teeth. I won't look like some of these people around here.

Did my webinar. Nailed it. Good turnout, good interaction, good times. 

Went to home depot and replaced the rails in the closet where a certain someone took them off to hang curtains instead of doors. Have doors back on 2 of 3 closets. One more to go. 

Cleaned the fridge of leftovers last night. Much needed.

Therapy soon. Then the fucking weekend.

ANA Y2 D19

Yesterday was insane. But one of the most monumental things in my life happened. Say my legal name bitch. My name is officially recorded with the state of MI. I have a court order. The judge told me my new name was beautiful. I am sure she has seen her share of people changing their name to stupid shit so mine was probably a relief. I now have to wait for the court order to be recorded, I go get copies, then I go to DMV and SS office. The judge said about a week which sucks, but it is what it is.

The bigger news is that Aggie has moved out. I was so done with her pissing last night. She walked into the living room while we were eating dinner and right in front of us she pissed on the couch and rug. Nope. I am done. I packed up her shit and brought her to B's house. The plan is if she keeps pissing even there, she goes to vet. If she doesn't, she lives with them now. Plain and simple. I am done with her. It was nice to wake up this morning without being screamed at. It was nice to sleep last night without being crawled on. If I don't see that cat again, I will not be upset. Seriously. 

Today I have dentist in a couple hours. Visit 3 of 4. Then I have a webinar. I did work yesterday too. Managed to get a pretty complex blog post taken care of for people. I've had a productive work week. Just need to make it to the weekend. Always making it to the weekend. It's my life.

ANA Y2 D18

 4 hours until my court hearing. Then I need the court order. Then I can get a new license. Then I can get a new SS card. Then I can change all my bank accounts. Then I change all my insurance, credit cards, loyalty things. Basically a snowball is about to turn into an avalanche. God help me.

ANA Y2 D17

No, I am not doing any better. I did see what kind of support network I have yesterday though and that helped me get through the day. 

I spent the day recording videos for a client. I made food. I did all the things I am supposed to do. 

26 hours until my court hearing.

ANA Y2 D16

Agador has started pissing on everything. I owe many people money and they want it. I am losing my mind. I am two steps away from a long walk off a short pier. Everything from last year is rushing to catch up with me. I have nowhere to turn and no one to help me. I am drowning. Help. I can't take it anymore. Leaving this world is the only solution that looks good right now. Pleas help before I do something I can't come back from.

ANA Y2 D15

Slept in chunks last night. I hate that. We went to bed around 10 because we were both exhausted, woke up at 11:30, 2:15, and 5:55. Had weird dreams as usual. 

Yesterday was busy hence why we were so tired at 10pm. Got up early, went grocery shopping. Dropped off my hair, went and picked up prescriptions, did laundry, sat in the sun for a little while, did a community day in the park, made dinner, cleaned, did more stuff I'm not remembering. It was busy, non-stop, and tired my poor butt out. But I do feel like I accomplished things and that always feels good. Rather be doing that than sitting all day. Which is what we will probably do today. I deserve a day of rest even if I don't want one.

ANA Y2 D14

As expected yesterday was hella busy. Between work and home stuff I didn't sit down for myself until 9:15. I was just non-stop all day. Meetings, documents, laundry, groceries, dinner, errands. Ugh. I need a break today but I have a hundred things to do this morning all before 10am. Maybe I will get to take a nap. Maybe.

ANA Y2 D13

Hold on, I am paying bills. Okay done. Not in utter panic either. I just need to be careful until August. No crazy purchases, no unexpected emergencies. I need to pay my car registration so need to take care of that next. It's not due until the end of July so I am okay for now. We have only one thing really planned for my birthday so that should be good too. Whew. I'm going to be okay. I have to be.

Today is a pretty major day for me. It is exactly one year since I started HRT. Can you believe it? A full year. How crazy is that? The amount of changes both physically, mentally, life has been insane. I never imagined I would be here. Plus in one week (less actually) I will have a new name. Wow. Well you know me, once I start something I do it full steam ahead. While I may not be happy with some other things, on this front, I am totally happy. Plus my relationship is hands down the most healthy I have ever had in my life. Despite all the things frustrating me right now, I know I have a lot to be appreciative about and grateful for and I won't forget that. 

As for yesterday, nothing exciting. I would point out that the last four days have been with two really good groups. They paid attention, they were smart, they were interactive - everything I need out of students. Absolutely zero complaints about the students. While they have been long days, the students made it easier on me. See? I appreciate what I have. So there. Had leftovers for dinner because we needed to get through things in the house. Plus I was watching our monies until today. I am going to get some groceries today but nothing crazy. Just the bare of what we need. We watched a movie, Mid90s, played some video games, tried to get frisky but the pain was too much for C. But we tried. There's definitely a desire from both of us. Just can't do anything about it right now. She needs at least another couple of weeks before those kind of things can happen. Oh well. The want is strong, the body is weak. Heh. Went to bed around 11. Had weird dreams, but hey, when don't I?

Today I have two meetings, a webinar, have to pick up my hair, get groceries, clean the house, and start laundry. Nah, nothing too crazy. Right?

ANA Y2 D12

I am trying to order refills on my scrips and the stupid website is forcing a password reset but it's also broken. Fucking shit. I have 8 days worth of pills left and kind of need them. Stupid technology. 

Same as the last couple of days. Taught all day, made dinner, watched TV, played Diablo, went to bed. Sorry for the lack of exciting updates, but this is what happens when I am back to full time teaching. Literally nothing else goes on. I spend the day working, am too tired to do much of anything else. This is compounded right now by me having to take care of C so it's adding to my responsibilities. Not complaining, just tired. More of the same today.

ANA Y2 D11

Fucking cats. I had a small heart attack yesterday morning. Aggie got outside. I lost my shit. She was just hanging over by the garbage cans. She knew she wasn't supposed to be there. When she saw me she beelined right for the back door. Asshole. They will in fact be the death of me.

Nothing exciting. Taught again. Same thing today. Different group, same company, same class. So I get to repeat my monday and tuesday on wednesday and thursday. Whee. Made shrimp tacos for dinner. Watched some TV. C is going nuts not being able to move. Someone like her should not have an injury like this. She is absolutely pushing herself too hard. Yes, I would be the same way. Gee, what a shock. We are one week from my name change hearing. Very excited. Stupidhead is almost finished with school. Can't believe it. About damn time. Nothing else going on. Same shit, different decade.

ANA Y2 D10

Sleepy this morning. Long day. Taught from 9:30 - 5:30, made dinner, took out trash, went to the store, that's all out of order, don't care. It's tough with C down for the count. I have gotten used to having help in the last nine months and now I am back to being the one to do everything. Of course, the difference is that her situation is temporary and not a personality trait. She is going insane not being able to do anything. She even had a job interview yesterday. She was told she has the job contingent on her being able to stand. Okay. When she's out of the boot, she'll go back in and be hired. It's a grocery store job, but it's better than not bringing in anything at all. 28 hours per week so she would still have time for school. More than B ever did. We had pasta for dinner. We watched "The Idol". Garbage. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. I had zero investment in any of the characters, it was trite, cliche, and just dull. Pass. Played more Diablo because we have to until we get through the main story. Holy shit. I just had a major flashback. Me and X2 played Diablo 1 together on a LAN and killed Diablo together. Here I am again almost 20 years later. Wow. Interesting. More of the same today.

ANA Y2 D9

Had the worst fucking dream last night. I haven't had a nightmare in months. But I woke up in a cold sweat at 12:30am. The Conjuring kind of dream. Evil spirit in my house, trying to kill me, yadda yadda. Fucking sucked. Still stressed out. We didn't do anything yesterday. Played Diablo, watched TV, had salmon tacos for dinner. We finished watching Castlevania. VERY satisfying. One of those rare shows that ended the way it should end. Very happy about that. C's mom came by. She was in the neighborhood (sort of, like an hour away) and stopped by to visit. First time she'd been to our house. Her boyfriend is too squirmy for my taste. A little too tweaky. Jesus fuck, there are sirens going down the street already. WTF are you people doing at 5:15am? Anyway, she visited for like an hour, we ate dinner, played games, went to bed. I teach 4 days straight this week. Both B and C have job interviews this week. I mostly care about B. Please dear god, let her get the job.

ANA Y2 D8

I am a bit stressed right now. The way the pay periods are lining up I am fucked in the ass right now. Not happy with stupidhead or life in general.

ANA Y2 D7

Yesterday C introduced me to what she called "poor people insurance care". I got to see first hand what life is like when you're on state or low income insurance. My friends, it was not pretty. We left the house at 9:40 and didn't get back home until almost 2pm. It started with her having to call multiple places to find an ortho who would take her insurance. The closest one was 30 minutes away. She was told to get there before 11am or she wouldn't get seen. No actual appointment, just get there before 11. Um, okay? We get there at 10:16 thanks to construction and traffic. I get her inside and what a varied slice of life I saw. We finally get back after 12. The doctor while kind was clearly in a rush. They made her take more x-rays which was good. I saw the actual break. It's minor luckily. Minor enough that the doctor decided she should just have a short boot. Wait? A short boot? But the break is up much higher? This is what I am thinking in my head. But not my injury, and I kept my reservations to myself. Turns out I was right but more on that in a second. They went to get her a boot but said "oops, thanks to your insurance we can't give you the boot directly. You have to go to this completely other place to get the boot". Gee, thanks. Before we left I apparently committed a faux pas by asking if they could give her anything for the pain. I wasn't asking for anything specific. C later told me if you do that at these lower income kind of places you get flagged as a drug seeker. I was like wtf? I just wanted you to have something. They did in fact write a scrip. They said they would do prescription Tylenol or Motrin. Okay, that's fine for me. They would only send it direct to the pharmacy. Um okay, also fine? This is but one of many things I noticed different between my medical experiences and C's. First off, my PCP would have done the x-rays, the boot, and everything in one place with an actual appointment. Second, the quality, layout, and general vibe of my doctor's office is very different. VERY different. There would be no running, screaming children. There would be no 900 year old mentally unstable people in wheelchairs. There would be no large groups of families all shouting in different languages. No. My doctor's office has video games and hypoallergenic cats and quiet private rooms. Had I asked for pain meds at my doctor, I would have received Vicodin or hydrocodone without any hassle or fuss. Not poor C. We then went to our next stop where we had to wait, again. This time with an ortho boot specialist at a place that does this kind of stuff, CPAPs, wheelchairs, etc. We wait more. Go back eventually and the dude looks over the order, asks C where the pain is, and declares why the hell did they offer you a short boot?? No, long boot is what you're leaving in! See, I was right. He boots her up, has her take some tentative steps. While all that is going on, I order her one of those iWalk things that I used when I had my Achilles injury. Fuck crutches. I also had it ordered rush. It almost beat us home. Thanks to more traffic and construction, it took us another 50 minutes to get home. I get her settled in and oh look, the package arrives. I then spend the next hour getting that ready for her. I then order us sushi for dinner because she had a fucked up day and deserved it. 6:30 her prescription is finally ready. I go to pick it up for her and they've given her prescription fucking ibuprofen. What the hell?? Okay whatever. Go home, get a pill in her, and try to make her comfortable. From there we played diablo until about 11:30. Took us until midnight to get into bed because she is moving slow but here we are. 4-5 weeks in this boot, less possibly. She can start putting test weight on it in about a week. 

As for me, I had a good session with my therapist before all this happened. We had a good talk about how I get frustrated that B is going to Hawaii with A but wouldn't go for me. My therapist did put some of the blame for things like that on me. I enabled. The difference between me and A is that A is autistic enough to say "I'm going to Hawaii for my cousin's wedding, you can go if you want" and stick to that. Not out of malice but because that's what she does. I on the other hand would always say, fine, we don't have to go and miss out. This is where much of my resentment started. In having to compromise on things I wanted in order to appease them. But yes, that did make me a bit of an enabler. Had I held my boundaries, would things have been different? Unknown and irrelevant because now I have a partner with whom I can have those kind of boundaries. We both agreed that this is probably the healthies relationship I've ever had for reasons like this. 

Going to set up the pool today. Then, soak my ass.

ANA Y2 D6

Well, what we thought was a sprain, is in fact a break. Yep. My girlfriend is laid up with a broken fibula. I was working all day yesterday and she was pretty much sitting on the couch unable to move most of the day. I could tell she was in pain but keeping a brave face. Finally late in the afternoon I convinced her to go to urgent care and get it looked at. Multiple x-rays later, it's a break. They couldn't cast her at urgent care and now today we have to find an ortho who can take her in. I am waking her up early to start making phone calls. She is going to need a cast for 4-6 weeks. She was struggling like fuck last night on crutches. Depending on how far the cast goes up, we will be looking at crutch alternatives. But yeah, this is our life now. Some notes on this - first, unlike when stupidhead was broken, I don't feel like a parent taking care of a child. I don't know why. C and I have such a different relationship that I really feel like I am just taking care of my partner in her time of need. It's hard to explain, but there's a difference. I grabbed us food next door to urgent care last night because no way were either of us cooking. Got home and the new pool had arrived. Well, I guess I will be in the new pool at least. C can sit by and watch me swim. Sigh. D4 dropped last night at 8pm and that's how I spent the night. Got to level 5. Woo.

Today is ortho, meetings, webinar, taking care of things, and just general shit for the weekend.

ANA Y2 D5

For 10 fucking years I tried to get stupidhead to go to Hawaii. But their "anxiety" wouldn't let them. The thought of flying across the ocean, the thought of being near the ocean, blah blah blah, all overwhelmed them. Guess where they're going? Well, fuck you too. That's okay. Me and C were looking at Mexico yesterday. Specifically the Yucatan Peninsula just south of Cancun. I have enough air miles to get us there for free, and right now I have enough hotel points for 2-3 nights. We're thinking Feb when the weather here sucks ass and it's 80 there. Bye bitches. We'll be on the beach. 

We had a rough night. C fell and sprained her ankle. She wouldn't let me take her to the ER but if it's still bad today I am taking her. She couldn't walk on it last night at all. So bad she was in tears. I had to basically carry her to bed, elevate and ice it, and give her some hydrocodone I had in the house.

Speaking of houses I had the weirdest fucking dream last night. It was supposed to be my mom and she got a new boyfriend and he was trying to get me out of the house. I remember yelling did she tell you she's on MY insurance and that the house is in MY name?? That she owns nothing?? Gee, what's my subconscious saying to me? Gosh, I don't know.

Did more doc work yesterday so nothing exciting to discuss there. We're ready for the Diablo 4 release tomorrow. New pool should be here today. I expect it tomorrow though. It just left OH at 2am. Things don't move quick in MI. Learned that a lot over the last four years. Less than two weeks until my name change hearing. Excited for that. 

We made pizzas from scratch last night. Came out pretty good. Have leftover for tonight. But let's see if we spend our day at the doctor's or not.