Sometimes I reflect on where I am now versus where I was a few years ago. My mental health is so much different. My relationship is so much different. Financially I am still fucked and probably will be for life, but hey, can't win them all I guess. But seriously. I was reflecting last night on this. C is playing this game that has a season aspect. The season ended at midnight last night. Around 10pm I wanted to go to bed. She still wanted to play. Of course I told her to keep playing. But she wouldn't. She got into bed with me. I had to force her to get back up and go play her game for a little while. It's so different when someone wants YOU. Not the idea of you, not the idea of a relationship, they actually want you. I firmly feel and believe that she is dedicated and in love with me. I, her as well. I laid in bed for a few minutes and smiled because I didn't have anxiety about her being up. I didn't stress or feel neglected. Or that I was coming in second. No. Every day I feel like I have a partner who truly loves me for who I am. That's a big change for me. I like it.
The weather was absolute shite yesterday. It was a constant grey and was neither cold nor warm. I had no idea what time it was. No idea what was going on. It was just blah all day and it affected my mood. I honestly didn't stat feeling better until about 8pm when it was dark outside and I could actually recognize it was night time. The day went by in a blur as a result. I couldn't find the motivation to get anything done and that frustrated me. Which of course added to my blahness. Overall it was not a fun day. But I got through it.
This week I am teaching Tues-Fri which will be nice as it's a specific task and I can be heads down. Today I have to prep for the week.
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