ANA Y3 D307

We got caught in a HUGE thunderstorm last night. All day the sky was grey and nasty but it was warm. Around 6:30 we chanced it and went for a walk. Every device in our house said it wouldn't start raining until 8pm at the earliest. Yeah, they lied. 7:30pm BOOM. We were so close to being back home. Like less than a quarter mile. The sky ripped open and deluged us. We were soaked from head to toe. Ended up having to come back inside and give the poor dog a rinse down, strip all of our clothes off, etc. But you know what? It was kind of fun. Just a silly little moment. I need those.

The day itself was uneventful. We had a good quiet sunday playing video games and hanging around the house. I made ribs for dinner. We watched a little tv. We got our 2 miles in. A successful day in my mind. I teach this week. I am down to just 12 days before I get my holiday. So close.

ANA Y3 D306

Made a cake, made steaks, tried to take a break. Ears in pain not again. Why me? Can't you see?

Okay I am done. That was just me being silly. It was an okay day. I was very lonely to be honest. Just dragged. Grey and rainy outside all day which sucked. Did some cleaning. Waited for C to get home basically.

ANA Y3 D305

My head is going this morning. Don't know why. Maybe because I am just stressed out from life. Maybe I will never shake this again. Maybe I am forever fucked in the head. No, not maybe. 

Went to B's house last night. She hemmed a jumpsuit for me. It was nice being out of the house even if it was just over there. Was gone for three hours. Longest I have been out of the house for a while. Felt weird. By the time I got home C was already falling asleep. That's my life.

ANA Y3 D304

Bills are tight this pay period. It's a weird one. Falls in a weird place. I am going to be barely making it for the next two weeks. Fuck me.

ANA Y3 D303

I felt pulled in six different directions yesterday. Now that I am doing more varied things at work I have more people asking for my help on stuff. It was all over the place yesterday. Annoying. We seemed to have lost power some time during the night. Need to restart things. Lovely. Going to the store this morning to get it out of the way. Still eating pork butt. Last of it tonight. 11 meals from $13. Not bad. I can handle that. Thoughts all over this morning. Need more sleep.

ANA Y3 D302

So tired. So sleepy. Head splitting. 29 degrees outside. Frost and light snow on the ground. So done with this. It's lasting longer this year, I swear.

Waited for stuff to be done yesterday. Didn't finish until 9:30pm so now I have to scramble this morning and get a bunch of stuff done before noon. I can do it. Made chicken for dinner. Tonight is salmon.

Did I mention I got my tax bill? $6000 this year. Yeah. You read that right. I owe 6 thousand dollars. Fuck the IRS. Fuck taxes. Fuck this world. Can't squeeze water from a rock no matter how hard you try.

ANA Y3 D301

Another Monday in the books. Anothe day down. I worked on some prep for an upcoming class. Our friend came over for dinner. She's going through it with her daughter. The daughter is boy crazy and not making the best decisions. It's a mess. She needed a break and came over to hang with us. Very nice time socializing and eating more pork butt. Only 2 lbs left. Whee.

Just making it through the week kids.

ANA Y3 D300

Day 300. We really are in the home stretch for another year, aren't we? almost 16 years ago I started this rambling ass blog. Nearly two decades of writing. Thank god for digital format. Otherwise I would have bookcases of notebooks and I would look like I belong in a serial killer movie. Luckily it's just data in the wind.

Another day alone. Didn't leave the house. It fucking snowed. Yeah, you read that right. It snowed. We had lefotover pork butt.

Finished Severance. No spoilers but DAMN. What a fantastic show! So well done. We've gotten real lucky with the shows we have watched lately. Real lucky. I think our streak is coming to an end though. Have to find something so perfect but it won't happen. Cest la vie.

We have been playing V Rising together. Really like it. Good balance of multiplayer, combat, construction, rpg. Check it out.

Meetings and the like today. Joy.

ANA Y3 D299

19 days and I get a break. I get some ME time. I understand every SAHM and WFH mom there ever was and ever shall be. We are people. We need lives outside these four walls. We need to do more than chase around a toddler, do their activities, and constantly feed them. Send help. Going down with the ship.

ANA Y3 D298

Took the dog to the groomer. Went to the grocery store. Spent too much money on everything. Broke for a week. Can't leave house. C works all weekend. Not happy.

ANA Y3 D297

I was just so exhausted yesterday after teaching. It was a draining class. One half asked a ton of questions, the other half sat like lumps. Frustrating. Luckily I am done with that group. Today's class is rescheduled due to technical issues (again) on the client side. I get a little break today.

Had chicken quesadillas for dinner. C is also exhausted. She passed out on the couch at 8. We were both in bed by 9:30.

Taking dog to groomer today finally. She needs it.

ANA Y3 D296

New phone came. Very pink. Need to tweak settings still. C came home in a bad mood. She wouldn't talk about it. Made for rough night. Taught, horrible class. Just a group of dead people. No feedback. Most not paying attention. Dislike. More of them today. Whee.

ANA Y3 D295

Was very busy yesterday. Now that I am doing other stuff I am mired in paperwork all day. At least for the next three days I get to teach and not be stuck in meeting and paperwork hell. I spent the days writing contracts, doing quotes, preparing for today, and admin work. What a pain in the ass.

Made hens for dinner. Went on our walk. Watched TV. Class starts in 3 hours. New phone coming today.

ANA Y3 D294

Closing in on another year aren't we? The time just flies by.

Made lasagne soup on Sunday and it was so good we had it again last night. Gave me horrible gas but was delicious. We did manage to go on a walk. Wrote up a contract yesterday, part of my new responsibilities. I added language that has been missing for years. Put more on what the client has to do. Charge them for cancelling. Increased the pricing by 5%. This should change things for the future greatly. Still watching Severance. I want to binge it so bad but I know I will be sad when we finish. Taking it one episode at a time. Have a new phone coming tomorrow. It's pink.

ANA Y3 D293

Made lasagne soup yesterday. One of the best soups I have ever made. We went on a 2 mile walk and almost got caught in the rain. Temp dropped and it snowed late last night. Much paperwork to deal with this week. Contract writing. Not fun.

ANA Y3 D292

I slept in a bit. But I was up until almost 1am so total hours still insufficient. I had a rough night. Head. Rain. Dog.

We finished season 1 of Severance last night. VERY good show. Strong watch. I like when a show respects and rewards my time. Really good. Made a roast. Tried to function even with my head screaming. I did a lot of work in the basement. Made it usable for the summer. We did manage to get in 1.5 miles before the rain hit.

Don't know what I am doing today.

ANA Y3 D291

Why? Why won't my head stop? It just keeps screaming. I can't fucking take it anymore. I thought I was past it? I thought I was doing better? Just want to cry. It hurts so much. Just constant fucking noise. Make it stop. Please?

ANA Y3 D290

 Went to store. Groceries. Cooked food. Had horrible meetings. Went on walk. Have to pay bills.

ANA Y3 D289

Rough day again. I am not all here. I don't want to be here any more.

ANA Y3 D288

The basement is fucked, my laptop battery is shot, I can't stop sneezing, and the world is falling apart. Other than that, I am swell gosh golly. The whole house stinks like a sewer line because the basement laundry room is backed up again and this time it just exploded with rotten food. I don't know what to do. I can't afford for them to come back out right now either. We just have to live with it. My laptop isn't a big deal until I have to go on the road again in May or June but it's still yet another thing. My company won't pay for a new one right now because I don't travel enough. They're saying figure it out. Lovely. This is my life and right now it sucks.

But I did go on a walk, I have C who loves me, and I woke up to a pupper snoot on me and when she saw I was awake kissed my face. Sigh. Why can't the world just give me a break? For real.

ANA Y3 D287

We slept with the window open last night and it was wonderful. I could breathe again. My head isn't hurting. Makes me so happy! Should be good for a few more days at least. We managed to play outside with dog, go on a walk, and breathe. Hello spring, false or not.

We started watching Severance on sunday. We watched the second episode last night. When I first saw the ads for it I didn't know what it was about. I figured another Suits or Succession type show. I couldn't have been more off base. If you haven't watched it, I strongly encourage it. The ethical and moral questions it raises are so interesting. Just two episodes in and we are hooked. Very good show.

Worked on more certifications yesterday and passed. I am good on another one until 2026. That was my morning. Afternoon was helping people and documentation. I have meetings today and that's about it. I am being summoned by the furball to play. DST doesn't affect her I can see. Oy.

ANA Y3 D286

All in all, this was a good weekend, especially yesterday. We were both home, the weather was pleasant, we got to spend time outside in the backyard, we went on a walk, I did things around the house, my head wasn't bothering me, and I made us a nice dinner. It was just a really good day. I need more like that.

ANA Y3 D285

Not only am I dealing with the jarring effect of DST, we lost power some time during the night. We woke up at 5am (per the clock so 4am) to lights coming on, noises, etc. Which of course woke up her highness. We calmed her down, turned everything off and went back to bed. Now of course I feel behind because the clock says 7:15am. Fucking hate it.If this walking cheeto does one thing useful, eliminating DST would be it.

Uneventful day. I made my own naan from scratch. Washed all the towels in the house. Cleaned. Hung out. Made butter chicken for dinner. Watched a movie after dinner. Played my game. Not a bad saturday to be fair. C is off today and I am going to try and do NOTHING. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y3 D284

We had social time last night. One of our friends came over with three bottles of wine. She ended up drinking an entire one herself. Something tells me she needed it. We split one between me and C. I made steak sandwiches, fries, pasta salad, and green beans. I also whipped up some goat cheese with honey and pine nuts. Having someone over also made me clean the house. I managed to do all this while teaching from 12-4 on top of everything. I spent the morning prepping for the afternoon class as there were technical issues to be handled. My RI has been "postponed" until May or June which is fine by me. I still think it should be remote but whatever. Don't have to worry about it for another month or two. Less for me to stress about right now. C works today but has Sunday off which will be nice. No plans for me to day except maybe some laundry.

ANA Y3 D283

One person reached out to me yesterday regarding my post. But one is enough. One is enough to know someone is reading this and that I am not just screaming into the void. One is enough to tell me that someone cares, someone is listening to me, and I am not alone. To that one person, thank you. Thank you for being there for me 17 years from when we met. I am blessed and honored to have you in my life and to share my adventure with you. You mean the world to me and I hope you know that.

Spent the day taking IBM certification tests. One more to go. What should have been a quick thing turned into all day because of an issue on their side. Fun. Made chicken fajita tacos for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

Grocery store time, then I teach today in the afternoon. Finally it be the weekend.

ANA Y3 D282

Yesterday I was asked why I have been absent and quiet in our guild. I tried to avoid the question. I tried to deflect the question. In the end, I answered:

I am about to post something and am prefacing it with this:
I don't expect or necessarily need/want replies. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I just need to get these words out. That's all this is about. If I don't get these words out, I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

Some of you may be curious as to why I have been so silent, absent, and generally not around lately. Well, I just can't keep it up any more. I can't keep up the facade of being happy or normal or wanting to exist in a world and a society that doesn't want me. One that doesn't want me to succeed or want me to know what happiness means. I can't do it. I can't engage like nothing is wrong. I can't keep plastering a smile over my face and acting like I fit into the round hole of society. I am a square peg and lately feeling like I shouldn't even bother.

I have a good friend - CIS, straight, caucasian - who tries to cheer me up. She tries to get me to see the positive in my life. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't get it. I don't hold that against her, but the words sometimes can't get through because no matter how hard she tries, she can't relate. I feel like everything I have done for the last few years has been for nothing. Every day I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve to exist. Laws being passed or proposed that exclude me from living in society. Laws made to make me feel even less of a human being than I already do. Texas is proposing yet another one but Texas isn't the only problem. They just happen to get the most publicity because the people there bang the drum the loudest and want everyone else to see how righteous they are. The truth is, there are many states silently passing laws to make sure I can't exist. As of right now, there are six states I cannot travel to for fear of imprisonment, legal issues, and even death. This is not an exaggeration. There have been stealth laws passed where if I use a restroom with a child in it that the penalty can be the death sentence.

Do you know what that does to someone's mental health? To be told you should die for using a restroom? Especially when all you want is to be part of their world. You want to blend in. You want to be ignored. You want to follow their rules. You say, let me have this surgery so I fit your societal norm. Let me have access to this medicine allowing me to be what you say is "right". Their response? NO! You're a freak! You're mentally damaged! You have no rights! You have no options other than to not exist! You must be eradicated!

I have friends being denied passports. I have friends being denied name changes. I have friends being denied surgeries and meds. I have friends who are sitting in psych wards because it got too much for them to handle. I had a meeting the other day with my CEO and I have never felt so unseen when I tried to explain to him that I might not be able to travel to a client because "people like me" are being turned away at TSA. Where "freaks like me" are being denied documentation. He thinks "it will all blow over" and "it's not that bad". Sure, it's not that bad for an upper middle class CIS hetero white guy living in California. Sure. You keep pretending that the rest of us aren't being hunted for sport.

All I want is to live my life. All I want is to not look in the bathroom mirror and hate myself. Three years I have been medically transitioning. Three years of my life where I finally stopped hiding in the shadows and admitted to myself who I really was inside. Three years where I stopped slowly killing myself with alcohol and drugs. For the first time I wanted to live. Yet, here I am again. Feeling like I made the biggest most regretful decision of my life because society doesn't want me. Because society has deemed me unworthy. "Oh but it's not everyone! We love you!" Great. You don't pass laws. You don't control the police. You don't work at the airport. You don't work at a doctor's office who can approve surgeries or meds. Your support doesn't change the world in which I have to live today.

I feel stuck. I look at my body and feel like I can't finish what I started because of everything going on around me right now. I watch my partner struggle to get a name change like she's trying to steal a baby. I want to take a knife to my body and slash the bad parts away because I don't have access to legal ways of doing it. But even then, even then, will I still be accepted? Will this world still recognize and see ME? Or will I forever be their freak on a leash?

Now, imagine you have all this in your head. Imagine you have to deal with all this and spend most days depressed, crying, and yet still have to pretend to care about your job and clients and "the bottom line". You have to do laundry and clean the house and walk the dog and cook dinner and and and. On top of all that, how can I be interactive with all of you? I already know this is going to depress some of you going through the exact same shit. I already know that some of you are going to think I am an absolute bitch for posting this. I know the world sucks. I know we're all struggling. But just because someone has it worse, it doesn't invalidate your pain or mine.

And right now, I am in pain.

So that's how I am.

ANA Y3 D281

We managed to go a full 3.1 miles last night on our walk. We didn't think we would because rain was looming over us the whole time. It rained most of the day but we found a window and got our butts out there. All of us feel better when we are able to walk. We felt a few drops as we were in the home stretch but we made it thankfully.

Didn't feel like cooking last night and I ended up making us grilled cheese and soup. 3rd grader dinner but it's what we needed. It was grey and nasty all day so comfort food was appropriate. The weather made me all blah day on top of everything else. 

Need to take some certifications today but not like the MS ones. Simple ones for Cognos where we can take as many times as desired and we will have cheat sheets. More of a paperwork thing than an actual achievement.

Time to take the dog out.

ANA Y3 D280

We watched Flow last night. If you haven't seen that movie, you must. Beautiful, touching, heartwarming, exciting, no dialogue but the message is conveyed perfectly. There is no wonder why it won best animated movie. Incredible story and visuals. We absolutely loved it.

I learned yesterday that my RI is in peril. Turns out our contact didn't bother to tell the group that is paying for it that they were paying for it. We shall see what happens.

Helped a client with their data model, pushed papers from one location to another. Made seafood pasta for dinner, watched the movie, snuggled on the couch. Oh, we also managed to get a walk in! It was a little chilly but we braved it and glad we did. Helped all of us immensely.

More of the same today.

ANA Y3 D279

Nothing interesting. Laundry. House cleaning. Boring day to be honest. Was cold again so couldn't go outside. Made tuna for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D278

Got an update last night from the HOA, apparently the responses they got were overwhelmingly negative at this office building being built in our neighborhood. Now, I might have been one of like 3 who responded, but even so, they are prepared to present to the planning department that it isn't wanted in this area. Score.

Very happy with my new hair. Back to blonde. Back to a shaggy cut. We also moved my part. When I was a kid I always wanted my hair parted in the middle because that's how the cool kids did it. But thanks to genetics and conservative adults in my family, I ended up with the nerdo side part. Ironically, I had her do a side part on me yesterday and we both loved it. SO here I am returning to my roots with a side part that looks hella cute. Go figure.

We made pizzas last night and watched a spoopy movie. We watched The Presence. 8 out of 10. Would recommend. No plans for today other than laundry. 

ANA Y3 D277

We took the doggo to the vet yesterday. $200 move as it seems to always be. BUT I submitted a claim to insurance and should get at least half back. Good decision getting that insurance with wellness addon for her. It covers almost everything she had done yesterday.

I was going to make tuna for dinner but it didn't defrost so C treated us to taco bell. Tonight we're making pizzas. More importantly, today is a new hair day! Almost five months with my last piece. New record. But I am very excited at the propsect of summer hair.

C has to work all weekend which sucks ass, but we will get through it. Welcome to March kiddos.