ANA Y3 D284

We had social time last night. One of our friends came over with three bottles of wine. She ended up drinking an entire one herself. Something tells me she needed it. We split one between me and C. I made steak sandwiches, fries, pasta salad, and green beans. I also whipped up some goat cheese with honey and pine nuts. Having someone over also made me clean the house. I managed to do all this while teaching from 12-4 on top of everything. I spent the morning prepping for the afternoon class as there were technical issues to be handled. My RI has been "postponed" until May or June which is fine by me. I still think it should be remote but whatever. Don't have to worry about it for another month or two. Less for me to stress about right now. C works today but has Sunday off which will be nice. No plans for me to day except maybe some laundry.

ANA Y3 D283

One person reached out to me yesterday regarding my post. But one is enough. One is enough to know someone is reading this and that I am not just screaming into the void. One is enough to tell me that someone cares, someone is listening to me, and I am not alone. To that one person, thank you. Thank you for being there for me 17 years from when we met. I am blessed and honored to have you in my life and to share my adventure with you. You mean the world to me and I hope you know that.

Spent the day taking IBM certification tests. One more to go. What should have been a quick thing turned into all day because of an issue on their side. Fun. Made chicken fajita tacos for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

Grocery store time, then I teach today in the afternoon. Finally it be the weekend.

ANA Y3 D282

Yesterday I was asked why I have been absent and quiet in our guild. I tried to avoid the question. I tried to deflect the question. In the end, I answered:

I am about to post something and am prefacing it with this:
I don't expect or necessarily need/want replies. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I just need to get these words out. That's all this is about. If I don't get these words out, I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

Some of you may be curious as to why I have been so silent, absent, and generally not around lately. Well, I just can't keep it up any more. I can't keep up the facade of being happy or normal or wanting to exist in a world and a society that doesn't want me. One that doesn't want me to succeed or want me to know what happiness means. I can't do it. I can't engage like nothing is wrong. I can't keep plastering a smile over my face and acting like I fit into the round hole of society. I am a square peg and lately feeling like I shouldn't even bother.

I have a good friend - CIS, straight, caucasian - who tries to cheer me up. She tries to get me to see the positive in my life. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't get it. I don't hold that against her, but the words sometimes can't get through because no matter how hard she tries, she can't relate. I feel like everything I have done for the last few years has been for nothing. Every day I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve to exist. Laws being passed or proposed that exclude me from living in society. Laws made to make me feel even less of a human being than I already do. Texas is proposing yet another one but Texas isn't the only problem. They just happen to get the most publicity because the people there bang the drum the loudest and want everyone else to see how righteous they are. The truth is, there are many states silently passing laws to make sure I can't exist. As of right now, there are six states I cannot travel to for fear of imprisonment, legal issues, and even death. This is not an exaggeration. There have been stealth laws passed where if I use a restroom with a child in it that the penalty can be the death sentence.

Do you know what that does to someone's mental health? To be told you should die for using a restroom? Especially when all you want is to be part of their world. You want to blend in. You want to be ignored. You want to follow their rules. You say, let me have this surgery so I fit your societal norm. Let me have access to this medicine allowing me to be what you say is "right". Their response? NO! You're a freak! You're mentally damaged! You have no rights! You have no options other than to not exist! You must be eradicated!

I have friends being denied passports. I have friends being denied name changes. I have friends being denied surgeries and meds. I have friends who are sitting in psych wards because it got too much for them to handle. I had a meeting the other day with my CEO and I have never felt so unseen when I tried to explain to him that I might not be able to travel to a client because "people like me" are being turned away at TSA. Where "freaks like me" are being denied documentation. He thinks "it will all blow over" and "it's not that bad". Sure, it's not that bad for an upper middle class CIS hetero white guy living in California. Sure. You keep pretending that the rest of us aren't being hunted for sport.

All I want is to live my life. All I want is to not look in the bathroom mirror and hate myself. Three years I have been medically transitioning. Three years of my life where I finally stopped hiding in the shadows and admitted to myself who I really was inside. Three years where I stopped slowly killing myself with alcohol and drugs. For the first time I wanted to live. Yet, here I am again. Feeling like I made the biggest most regretful decision of my life because society doesn't want me. Because society has deemed me unworthy. "Oh but it's not everyone! We love you!" Great. You don't pass laws. You don't control the police. You don't work at the airport. You don't work at a doctor's office who can approve surgeries or meds. Your support doesn't change the world in which I have to live today.

I feel stuck. I look at my body and feel like I can't finish what I started because of everything going on around me right now. I watch my partner struggle to get a name change like she's trying to steal a baby. I want to take a knife to my body and slash the bad parts away because I don't have access to legal ways of doing it. But even then, even then, will I still be accepted? Will this world still recognize and see ME? Or will I forever be their freak on a leash?

Now, imagine you have all this in your head. Imagine you have to deal with all this and spend most days depressed, crying, and yet still have to pretend to care about your job and clients and "the bottom line". You have to do laundry and clean the house and walk the dog and cook dinner and and and. On top of all that, how can I be interactive with all of you? I already know this is going to depress some of you going through the exact same shit. I already know that some of you are going to think I am an absolute bitch for posting this. I know the world sucks. I know we're all struggling. But just because someone has it worse, it doesn't invalidate your pain or mine.

And right now, I am in pain.

So that's how I am.

ANA Y3 D281

We managed to go a full 3.1 miles last night on our walk. We didn't think we would because rain was looming over us the whole time. It rained most of the day but we found a window and got our butts out there. All of us feel better when we are able to walk. We felt a few drops as we were in the home stretch but we made it thankfully.

Didn't feel like cooking last night and I ended up making us grilled cheese and soup. 3rd grader dinner but it's what we needed. It was grey and nasty all day so comfort food was appropriate. The weather made me all blah day on top of everything else. 

Need to take some certifications today but not like the MS ones. Simple ones for Cognos where we can take as many times as desired and we will have cheat sheets. More of a paperwork thing than an actual achievement.

Time to take the dog out.

ANA Y3 D280

We watched Flow last night. If you haven't seen that movie, you must. Beautiful, touching, heartwarming, exciting, no dialogue but the message is conveyed perfectly. There is no wonder why it won best animated movie. Incredible story and visuals. We absolutely loved it.

I learned yesterday that my RI is in peril. Turns out our contact didn't bother to tell the group that is paying for it that they were paying for it. We shall see what happens.

Helped a client with their data model, pushed papers from one location to another. Made seafood pasta for dinner, watched the movie, snuggled on the couch. Oh, we also managed to get a walk in! It was a little chilly but we braved it and glad we did. Helped all of us immensely.

More of the same today.

ANA Y3 D279

Nothing interesting. Laundry. House cleaning. Boring day to be honest. Was cold again so couldn't go outside. Made tuna for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D278

Got an update last night from the HOA, apparently the responses they got were overwhelmingly negative at this office building being built in our neighborhood. Now, I might have been one of like 3 who responded, but even so, they are prepared to present to the planning department that it isn't wanted in this area. Score.

Very happy with my new hair. Back to blonde. Back to a shaggy cut. We also moved my part. When I was a kid I always wanted my hair parted in the middle because that's how the cool kids did it. But thanks to genetics and conservative adults in my family, I ended up with the nerdo side part. Ironically, I had her do a side part on me yesterday and we both loved it. SO here I am returning to my roots with a side part that looks hella cute. Go figure.

We made pizzas last night and watched a spoopy movie. We watched The Presence. 8 out of 10. Would recommend. No plans for today other than laundry. 

ANA Y3 D277

We took the doggo to the vet yesterday. $200 move as it seems to always be. BUT I submitted a claim to insurance and should get at least half back. Good decision getting that insurance with wellness addon for her. It covers almost everything she had done yesterday.

I was going to make tuna for dinner but it didn't defrost so C treated us to taco bell. Tonight we're making pizzas. More importantly, today is a new hair day! Almost five months with my last piece. New record. But I am very excited at the propsect of summer hair.

C has to work all weekend which sucks ass, but we will get through it. Welcome to March kiddos.