ANA Y4 D3

Throat still hurts. Now C is sick. I ended up sleeping half the day away yesterday. Made potatoes with chili because we had to eat. This better pass soon. Shit the dog is now awake. I have hair appointment today. Need to go shower. Ugh. This weekend is going to suck.

ANA Y4 D2

I am sick. Like sick sick. My throat is still killing me. Can't breathe. Is that what I have to look forward to as I get older? Being unable to shake off a cold? I am sure I got this from the concert. Too many people coughing and breathing in the same air. Made for a horrible day yesterday. Barely got anything done. Was absolutely in no mood to cook. C went and got us Arbys. I hope I can do a little better today. Going to take some DayQuil in a little while. Bleh.

ANA Y4 D1

We start this new year kind of in a negative. I have been up since 2:45am. Woke up with a severe sore throat. Bad enough that I was awake awake. Cephacol for the win. But now I am really awake.

Quiet day yesterday. Worked on our new LMS system, had a kickoff meeting with a client. Made stuffed chicken breasts for dinner. Went on a 1.5 mile walk interrupted by rain. Watched a little tv. Not a bad day, just a quiet one. 

ANA Y3 D365

The end of the year. Wow.

Worked late last night. But it was planned. My boss and I needed a solid block of time together that worked for both of our schedules and we ended up with 4-7pm my time. We are kicking off a couple of new projects and that was the only time where we could both be involved. We got a lot accomplished and I will be taking over from here. We have another project kicking off today at noon. Hopefully these both will generate enough revenue to keep us going for another year or two. Hopefully. Made frozen pizzas for dinner as a result. Watched tv. Went to bed. 

Anticlimatic end of year. Sorry. No great insights or revelations. 

ANA Y3 D364

Slept very weird last night. In and out of sleep all night. Too hot, too cold. Weird dreams. Dreams that made no sense. Not good.

Didn't do anything yesterday. Enjoyed my day off. Took dog for walk. Made burgers and hot dogs for dinner. Really not much to discuss as it was a pretty uneventful day.

ANA Y3 D363

Two more days and this blog year will be over. I went back and checked, it was 16 years ago yesterday I started writing. Nearly two decades of brain dumping. God I was so lonely and desperate for human connection. Not that I am immune from that now, but I know I am in a healthier place in general. I also know that my recent depression has been due to stress, my ears, and a multitude of things not within my control. Even 16 years later all I want is control over my life. Guess that's what happens when you spend your childhood with trauma? Regardless, I have survived. I have grown. I have learned how to live my best life on my own terms. Who I am now is not who I was then, is it? Not just the physical changes. Mentally as well. The biggest change of course is finally for the first time in my life being in a healthy emotionally equitable relationship. Yesterday C had lunch with her sister. They met halfway between us both. Not only did I not stress or worry, I don't really care what they talked about. If she wants to share with me, she can share with me. She told me they caught up on life and the like and that's cool. I don't feel the FOMO or exclusion I used to feel. I did my own thing while she was gone. Mostly that consisted of laundry and dishes, but there wasn't any anxiety. There wasn't any why am I not included. 

Funny enough, I have been chatting with B the last couple of days. On Friday she messaged me in the morning asking if we could talk. She was having a breakdown. Turns out she thought her car was being stolen. There was a similar car parked in front of her house and she saw someone get in and drive away. She called 911 only to realize HER car was in the driveway. She got home first that day and parked in the driveway. I let her vent, then I gently mocked her to try and lighten the mood. It worked. Now, I did ask if A was at work, basically my way of saying "Why are you calling me and not your partner?". Turns out they hadn't spoken in three days. Living as roommates. It's a big long story about shit that I don't want to get into but the bottom line is A shut down and hasn't been talking. Look I get it, I get shutting down while you process for a while, but three days? Come on. C and I have gone three hours, but not days. We talk it through. Even B and I could talk it through. I had a long conversation with B that they need to reevaluate their relationship and what they want because if they're planning on marriage this needs to be fixed NOW. This is the kind of shit I am talking about when I say I am in a healthy relationship. None of the games or stress. We have normal people stress. We have things we work through, talk through, and support each other. B ended up going to the zoo on Saturday without A because they still weren't talking. I am going to check in with her later as they had a BBQ yesterday and I am wondering how that went. Morbid curiousity I guess? Plus I know if something happens she will end up in my damn basement. Sigh.

I made a pork tenderloin for dinner last night. Apricot glaze. Came out really nice. We were both happy. When we ent to bed I told C it was an off day and she agreed saying "I never felt truly awake today". Yep. That's it. That is the perfect description. So hopefully today will feel more normal for both of us. She is off to work right now. I am going to do jack shit. It's my holiday thank you. 

Wow. This is the most I have wrote in a while. I must be feeling better?

ANA Y3 D362

Running on 4 hours sleep. More than I thought I would get. Ironically my anxiety about getting there and parking was misplaced. It took us from 11:49pm until 1:15am to get out of the garage and on to the streets for the freeway. The venue was more than able to handle the crowd, the city infrastructure was not. 9 lanes of traffic from three garages merging into one lane due to road closures and construction. Insane. We didn't get home until 2:15am after picking up the dog.

We dropped her off at 3pm, got to the garage with zero issue at 3:30. Walked over to Ford Field around 4, got our merch outside, in line at 5, doors opened at 5:40. Got inside, peed, got some beverages for the night and some food. Our seats were amazing. They gave us wristbands on entry that were synced to the light shows all night. Made the audience part of the show. Mike Dean started at 6:45, Playboi Carti around 8, The Weeknd at 9:10. He did a 2 hour plus set. Look, I didn't know a single song all night, but that was a SHOW. I haven't seen lasers like that since Floyd. Or pyrotechnics and stage production since KISS. Seriously. It was incredible. T shaped stage that came out all the way into the audience. He even walked the floor at one point. I took over 340 pictures and videos. I also made sure to where my ear plugs which saved me. I am doing okay this morning as a result. 

I need a rest, but one hell of a night.

ANA Y3 D361

It's concert night. I wish I could say I was excited. I had to prepay for our parking last night. Half a mile away for $60. Seriously. Not even at the venue. There's also a baseball game at the same time next door. It's going to be a complete madhouse down there tonight. It's also cold outside. 50 degrees with 10 mph winds is the expectation for when we're down there. Sigh.

ANA Y3 D360

Finally had a decent day yesterday. Things stabilized enough in my head I wasn't dying. Took all fucking week. Had meeting after meeting. Got stuff done. Finally went on a walk. All these things contribute to me being more functional. Just got to pay bills and get through today.

ANA Y3 D359

Almost there. I gave myself an existensial crisis last night. Just what I needed. Let's see if today is any better.

ANA Y3 D358

I am still alive. For now.

Putting on the mask and pretending it's all okay. It's what I do.

ANA Y3 D357b

I don't normally do this but if I am writing two in one day, you know something is up.

My head just won't stop. I tried taking a brief nap for my lunch break and it's no better. Instead I had a dream about fish in tanks being dead, lights not working, and my stupid stepfather. Do not look up what dead fish or fish tanks or broken light fixtures mean on dream interpretation sites. Trust me. It only reinforced the idea that my head is broken, my brain is broken, my life is stuck, and things in general suck ass.

I want to cook. I just want to cook things. I want to be in the kitchen experimenting and trying things and making stuff for the pure joy. But even now, cooking has become a chore. Get up, take dog out, stare at screen, do dishes, do laundry, make dinner, do more dishes, go to bed. Literally that's my life 6 days a week. On the 7th I get a break from staring at screen. Oh boy. It's a rut. I can't afford to go anywhere. I can't afford to do anything. Not that it would matter. C doesn't get consecutive days off. You know how fucking hard it is to schedule a life around Sunday and Wednesday off? It fucking sucks. She wants to quit. But she also hasn't taken care of her name. This isn't my fight. I took care of mine. I am not her goddamn parent. I have done everything I could. I tell her I will drive her to the court and stand by her. But I can't fill out the paperwork. I can't submit the forms. SHE has to do this on her own. But this is just one small part of my brain problems. Work. Money. Life. Dog. House. All of it keeps coming down on my head. I tried to get out of town and it was horrible. Bad bad bad. Too much effort for too little payout. Plus these other things are always hanging over me and never letting me fully experience the moment.

We have the concert this weekend. I wish I could say I was looking forward to it. I am once we're inside and sitting down. You know how this goes. My anxiety about driving there, dropping the dog off, finding parking, merch lines, food lines, finding our seats, getting out, driving home, picking the dog up. All of that for what will be 2-3 hours of distraction. Plus this is for C. I literally couldn't name a single song. The lights will be pretty but I will be sitting there the whole time. Now August's concert will be different. I know that music. Smaller venue I have been to multiple times. I know where the parking is. I know where my seats are. I KNOW THE BAND AND THE MUSIC. But can I make it until August? Fuck I don't even know if I will get through today let alone this weekend let alone three more months.

It's raining outside which isn't helping things either. I am so sick of the weather here. I want out. I need out. If I don't get out soon, there's always the shotgun in the other room...

 Problems have solutions.
A lifetime of fucking things up fixed in one determined flash. 

So much blood for such a tiny little hole.

ANA Y3 D357

Here we go again. Another day. 

My ears are still going. Two days in a row now. It's cold too which is just dumb. Four more days. Then I might have a break. We will see.

ANA Y3 D356

I was better yesterday but woke up this morning to screaming head. Why? What was different yesterday? Why today? I don't understand it. I can't put my finger on what is different each day. Driving me nuts.

Yesterday was the baby's first birthday. We took her to a nature preserve for a 3 mile walk. Made her steak and had a cake. She didn't understand all that was going on but she knew she was the center of attention.

I make it through this week and we have a concert Saturday and a holiday Monday. 

ANA Y3 D355

I have to write something.

Can't let the page be blank ever.

Can't see the forest for the trees any more.

Almost jabbed a knife in my own leg in the kitchen last night because why not?

ANA Y3 D354

C has a really rough day yesterday. Her other cat that she left with her mom (because it is technically hers) had to be put down yesterday. He was 18 and C had him since a kitten. They spent nearly two decades together. It was rough on her to say the least. I know this feeling. I felt like that with Beep. A companiion of so long gone in a flash. She was a wreck all day.

Worked on stuff. Made cheesesteaks for dinner. Watched some TV. Went on our daily walk.

ANA Y3 D353

Rough night. Around 1:30am the sky opened up with tremendous thunder and lightning. Shook the whole house and you would have thought it was daytime. All of us were awake until 2:30am because of it. I did fall back to sleep until 5:30 but had weird ass dreams. Waterparks, houses connected to spas, weird shit.

Got my class uploaded to Udemy yesterday. Now out in the free world. Scary. Made chicken for dinner. Watched some tv. Played some games. Got to go pick up a cake for Sandy. Her one year birthday is Sunday. 9 months since we got here. The longest I have had a dog of my own. 

Just make it through the day...

ANA Y3 D352

Getting close now.

Got quite a bit done yesterday. We're doing a trial run of putting some of our material on Udemy to create a passive income stream by reaching a wider audience with our material. I spent yesterday doing conversions of our existing material to their format. Turned out to be easier than we imagined. Not easy just easier. I have more to do today.

Went on our walk. Made grilled swordfish burritos for dinner. A pretty decent day.

ANA Y3 D351

Another day. I need to find an ENT. I don't care what my PCP says, something is wrong with my ears. Driving me nuts.

Worked on classes. More of the same today. Made chicken for dinner. Short walk because of weather. Drizzling all day.

Not much else.

ANA Y3 D350

Two weeks and we start another year. Jesus. 2009. That's when I started this. 16 years ago. An entire life it feels. How many lives have I led in the almost two decades since I started all this? How many people have I been? How much have I done? How much have I seen? I've loved. I've lost. I went down one path just to go down another. 16 years. 

Spent the day doing class stuff, had a meeting, dealt with the some prep work for a new client. Didn't want to cook so we ordered take out from a local place. Was good. Watched tv. Played games together. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D349

Another week. Are we ready for it? I'm not. Another week of pushing paper, being stressed out, staying in the house. Oh joy.

Didn't do much of anything. Went on 3 mile walk. Played outside. Played video games. Watched some tv. Had leftovers for dinner.

ANA Y3 D348

Happy Mother's Day to those who celebrate.

I woke up from the shittiest dream this morning. I was back in an office. Had a team. Had no clue what I was doing. Felt useless. Gee, wonder what that means/

Boring day. Went on a 3 mile walk. Orderd pizza late. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D347

Saturday. Thank god. I need a day where I no thinkie. Made lamb ribs last night. A little fatty but otherwise good. Not much of anything else. 3 mile walk. Played outside.

ANA Y3 D346

We have a new Pope and he's American. There's something I never thought I would see in my life. I don't know how I feel about this. I fear it being used by the wrong people to justify their actions.

My ears are already going. This needs to stop. I wish I could live off the disability and that's something I thought I would never say in my life.

Time to pay bills and go to the store.

ANA Y3 D345

It was really nice yesterday. Nice enough we took two walks. C was off and we took advantage. I finished my new class around 10am, we went on our first walk around 2pm, our second at 8pm. Got in almost 7 miles yesterday. Made fish and chips for dinner. Finally a decent day.

ANA Y3 D344

Yesterday was so bad. I broke down crying at one point. I couldn't even see. These are my equivalents of people who have migraines and just shut down. Except they have imotrex. I have nothing. I had to get a ton of demos done. I am down to three. I will get them done this morning and can put this new class to bed. I worked from 6:30 to 4 yesterday trying to finish. Then we went on a walk. Made tacos for dinner. Please dear god, let me have a break today?

ANA Y3 D343

ARGH! The weather CHANGED AGAIN. It's raining. It sucks. My head.

Worked. Ate. Walked. Slept.

ANA Y3 D342

I am so tired of greed and ads and algorithms and suggestions. If these damn companies 20 years ago had just said "it's $20 a year to use our product" we would have bitched but we would have used it. But then they wouldn't be making "continual revenue growth!" or some stupid shit. Greed. It's all about fucking greed.

Rained all goddamn day yesterday. Couldn't do shit outside the house. Didn't want to cook for dinner so we went to Arby's. I made brats on the grill in the rain for lunch. We were so 'midwest' yesterday. We watched "sports" and ate grilled food. Ridiculous.

Another fucking week of doing shit I don't want to do about shit I don't care about. Yay.

ANA Y3 D341

Weather changed AGAIN ears going crazy. Argh. Getting real tired of this.

Had a decent day. Went to the grocery store, had my hair done, cooked a pork butt in the slow cooker. Had friend over to share said pork butt. Played some games, watched some games, cleaned the house, did dishes. Not bad.

ANA Y3 D340

Finally got my APRIL expense check. Ugh. Everyone is now paid. Fucking delay. But it's done.

Did more paperwork yesterday. Sat through meetings. Mowed the front lawn. Went on a walk. Made salmon for dinner.

Hair appointment today. Just started a pork butt.

ANA Y3 D339

 Nothing exciting going on. Another day another day. Yep.

ANA Y3 D338

Welcome to May of 2025. The world is in a state of who knows what. It's raining outside. One cross each, first door on the left.

I still haven't received my expense check for April. It's May. I am not happy. You want me to work? Then pay me. Ass gas or grass no one rides for free. Didn't have it in me to cook last night. We had a hodge podge of leftovers. It was food. It was sustenance. Not much more than that. I am tired, frustrated, annoyed.