ANA Y4 D95

No better. I'd kill myself but I have too much to do today. Story of my life. I cleaned the house yesterday hoping it would help. It did not. We went out to dinner and I had a horrible time. Felt rushed the entire time. Felt off. Tired. Done. But again, too much to do. Off to the fucking groomers.

ANA Y4 D94

FUCK ME. I had a silent day yesterday and now it's back. There goes my "weekend theory". Not work, not weather, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? FUCK.

Worked. Made gnocchi. Played games. Watched a movie. Recommend Together. Good movie. 

ANA Y4 D93

Had a hard time falling asleep last night. Tossed and turned until almost 1am. Of course the day I have to be up early and used an alarm for the first time in a while. This is life. Have therapy in 90 minutes. Have bills to pay. Have work to do.

Moderate day. It was there but light. Got some work done. Spent outside time. Went to the store. Made enchiladas for dinner.

Three day weekend. Woo. 

ANA Y4 D92

Faint today but getting stronger. Will be full blown my midday.

My niece is in hospital. Had a full on mental breakdown from doing too much. She's 25 I think? Was responsible for her mom, her job, school, dealing with her parent's divorce, too much. She isn't eating right, sleeping right, and just collapsed. No further details yet.

 Stayed up way too late because I was just frustrated. Three day weekend coming but C works the whole thing. Fuck. 

ANA Y4 D91

 See, I don't get it? Yesterday was silence. All day. Nothing. Yet this morning around 5am while I was fading in and out of sleep it started and is now going strong. What changed? What's different about yesterday and today? Weather? Same variables as far as I can tell. Window was open both nights. Weather about the same. Stress levels about the same. So what is it? Why is one day good and another shit? This is what's driving me nuts. It's so inconsistent. I can't go more than 30ish hours before it comes back. Argh.

Made taco bowls for dinner, took dog on walk, watched tv, worked. Nothing out of the ordinary. 

ANA Y4 D90

Yesterday was another bad day. So bad I broke down and made the call. I have an MRI scheduled for September 11th at 5pm. At least I will have more answers. Now of course ironically so far today has been silent. This is the issue; the inconsistency is driving me nuts. I started work on a new class yesterday. I might be able to get it done this week. We shall see. We went on a good walk. I was going to make canneloni for dinner but sadly they went bad. Not sure how, but they did. Ended up ordering out. Oh well.

ANA Y4 D89

I'm calling the hospital today. Money be damned I need this MRI. I tossed and turned all night because this shit permeated my dreams. I don't know what to do. I had one day. One. It started again around 11:30am yesterday and hasn't stopped. The cat is losing fur again. I swear I am giving her meds correctly but she isn't doing better. I am so stressed out. Nothing is helping. Back to square one.

ANA Y4 D88

Good day yesterday. Around 11 I decided I didn't want to be in the house and took dog for a short 1 mile walk. We got out, we touched grass. Was good for both of us. Made ribs for dinner then we took a second walk  for about 2 miles. C was a little upset last night even though she won't admit it outright. One of her friends she has known since childhood is getting married today. All of her other friends are in the wedding except her and one other. She wasn't even going to be invited. Because conservatives. The B&G didn't want the possibility of drama by having someone like her or me there. I know it bugs her deep down even if she says it doesn't. We ended up going on a late night taco bell run together. 

No plans for today. Just see how it goes. 

ANA Y4 D87

Even though my head was screaming the whole day and night, we had an incredible time last night. It has been a while since I have been to a concert and new EVERY SINGLE SONG even the new stuff. I knew every word, every beat, every moment. It was so awesome. For 60 that motherfucker looks good, sounds good, and puts on one hell of show. Our seats were amazing. We saw everything so perfect. Our parking was right next to the stadium. We were out of the garage in under 5 minutes. I parked us right pointing to the entrance. My venmo plan worked perfectly and we had food, merch, and booze and still have over $100 even after paying the dog sitter. No stress at all on the financial front. I got a $90 hoodie and didn't think twice. C got a really cool shirt. He played songs I haven't heard live in years. He also did a dual stage setup where he would vanish then appear on the other one. The light show was awesome too. So happy.

 

ANA Y4 D86

Well, I had one good day. Can I please go more than 24 hours?? I did sleep like shit last night. Too hot, too cold, blanket riding up. Just a clusterfuck.

Worked on stuff. Got pizza for dinner. Went to the store so I didn't have to get up early this morning. 

BUT tonight is NIN night. All I care about.  

ANA Y4 D85

MY THEORY HAS LEGS! This is the first weekday where I have woken up with silence in my head in a long time. I got 8 1/2 hour of sleep last night. Window slightly open. Temps below 70. Mouthpiece in. All the variables are coming together. Which is good because while I got approval on an MRI, it will be $1600 out of pocket for me to get one. I would rather not.

Worked on a variety of things yesterday, made swordfish for dinner, went on a walk, watched a documentary. Only one more day until NIN!! So excited! Fuck I am in a good mood. Amazing how much that noise in my head screws with me. 

I think we will have pizza tonight. 

ANA Y4 D84

Slightly better today. Had a full 8 hours of sleep. No outside air. Woke up a few times. Dunno what's going on.

Worked on updating our catalog for 2026. Made chicken tacos for dinner. Went on walk. 

ANA Y4 D83

My theory may have legs after all! It is VERY minor this morning. Like it's fighting to be there and struggling. Difference? Window closed, room humidity set to 51% before bed. No alarm, 7.5 hours of sleep, natural wakeup at 5:30. I talked with my boss about this yesterday and told him I would be adjusting my hours to be more "normal" so that I could test out this theory. Let's see if the data continues to correlate.

Worked on some stuff yesterday followed by more stuff. Had outside time with dog, went for walk, made burgers for dinner. Was very strict to myself and in bed before 10pm. Test 2 today and tomorrow. So far results are looking good.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I rearranged my desk yesterday. I moved my monitors back about 13 inches. I was sitting right on top of them and it made me feel claustrophobic. So I moved them back. So far been okay. We will see how day two of that goes too. 

ANA Y4 D82

Sadly my theory failed. My head is back screaming. Which unfortunately leads me to another theory. My job is killing me. I am operating under the thought that I am so stressed out it is manifesting itself in this fashion. So the whole thing is psychosomatic. Lovely. It could still be environmental and is something in the bedroom, but it's unlikely. I did sleep like shit though so who knows. All I know is I am done with it. Very done.

I had a good day yesterday which is making me cry this morning. We went on a good walk. We ate through leftovers. We did laundry. It was an excellent day. Just to be back to square one today. Fuck my life. 

ANA Y4 D81

SLEEP! The correlation is SLEEP! This was my other theory. Is it how much sleep I am getting? Am I able to fully let my brain reset? Now before I run off and make any grand announcements, I have to determine the causation from the correlation. Is it the number of hours OR is it that for the last two days I woke up naturally when my body wanted to versus the screaming of an alarm? Is it my alarm? Is that particular sound causing me anxiety and kicking it in which ties to the stress aspect? Here's what's going to happen: tomorrow I am going to try another natural day of waking up. No alarm, no pressure. I don't have anything serious going on at work so there's no difference if I wake up at 5 or at 7. Literally no difference. If that is successful, then Tuesday I will try an alarm for like 6am with a different ringtone and test that. This is my week of testing sleep pattern, alarms, etc. I may be on to something. I may be able to rule out tumor.

I did have some brief moments yesterday but those were attributable to my activities - lawn mowing, hair drying. The lawn pissed me off. I couldn't get a good mow in front because of the damn water company. It looks like a 6 year who tried to give herself a hair cut. Don't care. Is what it is.

We went over to a friend's house last night for Thai and relaxing. We took the dog with us and she actually did great. No issues on the way there or home, no issues being in someone else's space. We were both very proud of her! Got home around 9:30, played games until midnight.

Today we have no plans. I may try rearranging my desk today. Mental changes can help too. 

ANA Y4 D80

So you ready for this? Silence. Now, here's the thing I have been logging. I tend to always have silence on Saturday. What does that mean? If I correlate data, it's my job. I am so stressed out about my work that Sunday through Friday my head screams. No, I am serious. It's something I have observed but not been able to pinpoint. Which means my head is 100% mental. Let's see if I am right. Let's see if I go all day and have it kick back in tomorrow. This is disturbing if true. I don't know what to do with this information.

Had leftovers for dinner. Went on walk. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D79

Nope. Still not clear. Better but not clear. Tumor is looking more and more the answer. Sad but true. Or at this point it's mental. I have to rule out everything physical before I can say it's all in my head. Literally.

Made pork butt last night. Used it for quesodilla. Went to the store so I didn't have to go this morning. Bill paying time. Maybe it is all mental. Maybe I am just going crazy. 

ANA Y4 D78

Improvement but not silence. I can feel? hear? a marked improvement over yesterday but I am not silent in the head yet. I take this as progress. I slept well with weird dreams but none featured a screaming head so again, put that in the win column. 

Worked on a tech support issue for a client, did some testing. Made tilapia for dinner. Shit I just remembered I need to get my pork butt in the slow cooker. Okay, super fast update. Life is better, life still sucks, all things are equal. Have a nice day. 

ANA Y4 D77

Well, I got in with the doctor yesterday. I wish I could say I have good news. Here's what i shared with my boss yesterday so I don't have to retype everything:

I was at doctor. Just got home. FYI (and don't freak out when I say this because I am trying to not freak out) there is a possibility I have a tumor pressing on both the optical and audio nerves so my doc is getting me in for an MRI. Will keep you posted as to when. 

Basically I saw my PCP today because the ENT can't get me in until 9/22. I explained this to her and how frustrated I was. She said, fine, we will do everything possible so you go in armed and dangerous next month. We did a drain today, next is an audiology exam, then the MRI. The chance of a tumor is due to the length it's been going on (longer than six months) and that it's unilateral across both ears. This is how they pre-diagnose it. I also have been having weird random floaters in my left eye which increases the possibility. IF the drain helps, then we start a clock. If I can go 48-72 hours without issue, the chance of tumor goes down with every hour past 48. If I can't go at least 48, she wants me in for the MRI. 

The drain was insane - four flushes on the left, two on the right. She said chunks were coming out. BUT unfortunately because we irritated it so much it didn't make any difference. I have to see and gauge how I am doing in the morning. We angered the left to the point of bleeding. But she can confidently say now there are no occlusions in either ear canal.

 I was hoping I would wake up this morning and the clock would begin. It has not. It could be the ear is still irritated and the clock will start later in the day. Let's hope. Right now though, no change. This keeps tumor on the table. Sigh.

ANA Y4 D76

Poor C stayed home yesterday. She woke up in the morning throwing up. Had a fever of 99. It passed by mid afternoon but made for a lousy morning. I worked on my stuff. Made pork tenderloin for dinner. Watched some tv. Still fucking hot out.

Doctor today. Let's see what happens. 

ANA Y4 D75

Had a moderately good day yesterday. It was hot, oppressingly hot. 90+. More of the same today sadly. Got C's laundry done, B came over to pick up some stuff we were giving her, took dog for a brief walk. Noshed for dinner. Watched another movie. Only downside was my head. If it weren't for that it would have been a great day. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe finally get somewhere with all this. Maybe.

ANA Y4 D74

We stayed up late watching another movie. Around 11pm C didn't want to be in the office but she also didn't want to go to bed since it was her "night off". Fair. I suggested we move to the couch and if she fell asleep naturally then so be it. We ended up watching another A24 release - Bring Her Back. Excellent movie. Severely fucked up, but good. It's funny how I can watch Final Destination and laugh and be excited for the varied ways to kill people but I watch something quieter, more nuanced like BHB and it was disturbing even though technically it has less gore. Check it out. Worth it.

Pretty uneventful day otherwise. Made slow cooker chicken tinga. Cleaned, did laundry. Went on a walk even though it was 90 out. Another hot day today. Had some respite in my head yesterday. Some patches of silence. It's going strong this morning so we will see how this day progresses. No immediate plans which will help. 

ANA Y4 D73

Starting my next phase of "variable elimination". Sleep. I am trying to see if with enough sleep I can minimize the head. I slept for 7 hours last night and so far all clear. Maybe all these years of 4-5 hours a night has caught up with me.

Spent the day doing moodle migration. Had leftovers for dinner. Watched Final Destination Bloodlines. LOVED IT. Best of the franchise for real. Pracitcal FX for the win baby. Some of the best death plots ever. I truly enjoyed it. Then I stayed up past midnight playing video games. I wanted to be extra tired. Worked.

No plans for today. Starting chicken tinga around 10am in the slow cooker. 

ANA Y4 D72

I am playing mind games with the cat. I didn't give her a dosage yet. Letting her have some peace before I do it. Change things up a bit.

Duct cleaning happened. Well, I slept better? I can admit that. Yeah. That's all. 

ANA Y4 D71

The cat has come to hate me. She knows what's about to happen every morning. Only 10 more years of this in theory. I slipped on the stairs this morning and ripped my knee up chasing her. Fun times. 

Worked on more migration stuff. Converted things to SCORM. Made salmon for dinner.

Today is duct day. This better fucking help. 

ANA Y4 D70

Still no break from my head. We need to sweep. I skipped a day and am paying for it.

More moodle migration stuff. All day every day this week. I am down to two classes to convert and migrate. That's going to take all day today. Tomorrow is duct cleaning day. Please dear god let it help. 

ANA Y4 D69

Progress has been made sort of. I finally got an appointment with an ENT. In September. Like over a month from now. Another month of dealing with this shit. But the duct cleaning happens in two days. Let's see if that helps. I also managed to get in with my primary next Tuesday. Let's see if she finds anything. I need to know if this is physical, environmental, or mental. I am doing all that I can to rule out the first two. If it's the third, well, not much I can do, now is there?

I got through my class. Stressed out but successful. Then I spent the rest of the day working on migration stuff. That's today too. We had no water from 10am until about 2pm. Managed to flush all the lines and it looks good to me. I know C is still worried because of the boil notice, but I am less stressed about that than she is. I feel like they have to include that language legally even if there is no issue. Regardless, I have pots of water saved that she can use to brush teeth if needed. Make her happy. Had leftovers for dinner, went on a 2 mile walk, relaxed the rest of the day. 

I need to sweep because I haven't in two days and I am feeling it. 

ANA Y4 D68

Seriously stressed out this morning. Forgot to set an alarm. Hour behind. Need to get water ready before they shut it off for 12 hours. Have a class in 2 hours. Have done nothing. Didn't sleep well. Head screaming. Not going to be fun today.

ANA Y4 D67

Doing better. Another mostly noise free day. I had about 2 hours where it was really mild due to the hair dryer at the salon. But it was really mild and faded on its own like a normal person. Other than that, my head is quiet. Bless.

Got my hair did. Cleaned the house. Had chinese food for dinner. Played games, watched a stream, went to bed. A nice boring Saturday. No plans scheduled for today. Finished up the closet room too yesterday. Everything is put away and it's all organized. Makes me happy now when I walk in there and can see the space between my clothes. Very nice. 

ANA Y4 D66

On the way back from the grocery store they started in again. 30 hours of peace then boom. All day they screamed. I had a small break from 3-6 but otherwise it was constant again. I don't get it. Why am I okay when I wake up but the minute I do anything it triggers the fuck out of them?

Spent the day doing more migration work. Made chicken caesar wraps for dinner. Threw mine up. Yeah. That was fun. It was a pretty shitty day to be honest. Have a hair appointment this morning. At least I get out of the house. 

ANA Y4 D65

Waiting for my paycheck to come through so I can pay bills and see how little I have leftover for groceries and life. We reduced our finance person to half time so my expense check is sitting until monday. Fuck this. I need a new job but I don't want one. Sigh.

Good news front - 26 hours with a silent head. ONE incident in the middle of the night but it was sharp, quick, and over. It did wake me up, but okay.

I am working on migrating our classes from one LMS system to another this week and that's how I spent the majority of my day. Took the cat to the vet first though. She is doing great! Her numbers were good and we don't have to go back for six months. Hurray! Did cost me $500 but okay. I do what has to be done.

Come on paycheck. I have shit to do.