ANA Y4 D304

Back to the screams. Slept like absolute shit last night. Don't know why. Couldn't fall asleep to save my life. Done with all this. Just want to go away. I want to be done with everything.

ANA Y4 D303

Silence.

Went on a three mile walk yesterday. Taking dog to vet this morning. Two more days until interview. 

ANA Y4 D302

Silence. Thankfully.

Sweat like a pig all night. I didn't turn the heat up but for some reason I was hot as hell all night long. With C at work yesterday didn't do a whole lot. I managed to take dog for a walk. This is the week of my interview. Stressed. Week 9 of being unemployed. 

ANA Y4 D301

Screaming. Had a small break yesterday but here we are.

Busy day yesterday. I was up early. Did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and straightened the living room before I took the dog to the groomer. Got back, C had done more cleaning. We worked together to get the house ready for company. Around 3 I started my lasagne. C's coworker came over around 5. We had a nice time. Food was good. We watched a movie. She headed out around 10. We went to bed around 11.

Nothing planned for today. 

ANA Y4 D300

Still screaming.

There's something wrong with the bed. My back has been killing me. I've adjusted it twice. I think with the rapid weather changes it's been losing pressure like car tires. But I am in serious pain this morning. I am so done with everything. Taking dog to groomer in a little while. Having C's coworker over for dinner. Making lasagne. 

ANA Y4 D299

Back to screaming. Bad screaming too.

Stress levels are high again. Fuck everything. 

ANA Y4 D298

Silence. It broke yesterday around 1pm. Been doing good since.

Quiet day. Weather also broke. We got to go on a walk. Another today too. Supposed to be really nice today finally. Might even make smashburgers outside tonight. We shall see. Just playing the waiting game. Waiting for interviews. Waiting for responses. Nothing else to report.  

ANA Y4 D297

Screaming

Couldn't sleep again last night. Tossed and turned from 10:30 until midnight. Got up until 1:30. Just stressed out. Got two rejections yesterday which didn't help my mood. I have one week until my onsite. I need this job, bad. I have to take it no matter what. Which is making me feel trapped. Made chinese pork for dinner. Watched tv. Froze my ass off. 

ANA Y4 D296

Head back.

As promised I didn't sit on my ass yesterday job wise. I applied to four new jobs, followed up on things. Nothing is done until it is done. I have one more week until my onsite. Things could change. It snowed here yesterday which really sucked. We had hoped to get outside, but nope. Made wraps for dinner. Watched a movie. 

ANA Y4 D295

Silence. Good.

The weather turned yet again. We tried to go for a walk because it said it was nice out. We failed to look at the 'feels like' which was 10 degrees less. The wind was biting and it was freezing. We barely made it 30 minutes. I felt bad for the dog, but fuck that. Today it will be back down in the low 30s. Are we done with this shit yet? Seriously.  I am over it already.

Did laundry. Made tuna for dinner. C's boss messaged last night and she might have to go into work today. We will see. I have one more week until my interview but I am still applying for shit until then. Nothing is solid until the dotted line is signed. 

ANA Y4 D294

Head is back. Strong. Sad.

Only excitement yesterday was when I almost killed us by making chemical gas. Don't mix drain chemicals kids. Things go poof and make clouds. I am okay but it was scary for a little while. Drain is open though it would appear. That's the good news? Seriously I poured one down there, it did nothing, I poured a second stronger one but there must have been some residual so it went POOF in a little cloud. I aired everything out, ran a fan, etc. But it was a scary few minutes. That was my excitement. Made cheesesteaks for dinner. 

Laundry today. Woo. 

ANA Y4 D293

Silence day 2.

They called and rescheduled for the 2nd instead of the first. They want to make sure everyone is in the office to meet me. Good? Bad? Not sure. They clearly are interested but they might be moving slower than I would like. Remember, it took them 37 days to even reach out. I might enjoy some place that moves at that pace, but I have to think about the financials. I am not going to slack off next week. Still going to apply at places. We were supposed to go to a movie, but C fell asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake her. She would have just been exhausted. We can always go to the movies some other time. No plans for this weekend.

ANA Y4 D292

Silence.

Folks, ya girl nailed it! We had a good 40 minute talk, he immediately invited me back for a second round onsite. They reached out and scheduled it 90 minutes after the call even before I could send a thank you email. I go onsite April 1st for 2-3 hours to meet the team. I feel this is mine to lose. Only thing that will break this is salary. We didn't discuss and they didn't list. This is a new role for them so I don't think they have any clue what this should pay. It could go one of two ways. They are unrealistically low, or they need to be ready to pay for someone with my background. We'll find out on 4/1. Until then, I am still applying and will still interview as it comes up.

In sadder news, Agador Spartacus passed away last night. Yes, I am talking about the cat that B took in the divorce. She'd been getting sick and I don't want to go into it right now, but she should have let her go last week. I feel she was being selfish. She didn't want blood on her hands but now she's got it anyway.

I am proud of C as well. She made the first step in getting herself squared away. She had a doc appointment yesterday where she get a formal diagnosis of ADHD and can now see about meds. She knew she was but needed the piece of paper. She really wants to be able to focus so she can move forward with her life and career. It's so nice to have an adult partner who knows what she wants and will actually get off her ass to achieve it.

We're going to a movie tonight. All in all, a pretty darn good week.

ANA Y4 D291

Today is the day. Day two of screaming of course.

Four hours until interview. Got to get in the shower but I am not getting dressed until 9am. Do not want anything going wrong. Talked to the unemployment office yesterday. Got that all squared away. Hopefully it will be settled. Caught up with former coworker as I had him help me test my teams for today. Very nervous but excited. 

Here goes nothing. 

ANA Y4 D290

Head back of course. Weather is freezing outside.

Went to my dentist office yesterday in person to try and negotiate my bill. I am glad I did. They knocked $150 off for me as a courtesy if I paid in full. Done and done. I now owe them nothing and feel better. All it took was polite asking. Can't want more than that.

Made quesadillas for dinner, watched some tv, did laundry. Nothing else going on because it snowed all day and was cold as hell out there. No respite from the weather until the weekend. Meeting with unemployment today, interview tomorrow. 

ANA Y4 D289

Good news: head quiet

Bad news:  had bad insomnia last night and was up until 2am. 

Good news: have a real job interview with a real company on thursday.

Bad news: it's an hour away

Good news: it's a hybrid role so I might only have to be in office one to two days a week

More good news: if the pay is good and the company is good, we would consider moving. 

This is my life. Up down all around. Back and forth. All damn day long. 

ANA Y4 D288

Scream

Michigan does not make it easy to collect unemployment. Apparently I messed up something and now they're trying to say I owe them money? WTF? I have to call this morning and put this right. I swear I am not over here trying to commit fraud. I just need to stay afloat until I can land a job. Their money isn't the best but it's keeping us going. Fuck. I am so fucking frustrated right now. I just wanted to make it to retirement. But right now I am not making it anywhere. You wonder why I want to kill myself? 

ANA Y4 D287

It broke yesterday for a while. Got about 14 hours of peace but it's back.

Got up early yesterday and started a slow cook pork butt. Made brownies. Our friend came over for dinner and we watched a movie. I took dog on walk. Did laundry. Cleaned house. 

ANA Y4 D286

Day seven. I am done with this shit.

Somehow I fucked up and my unemployment has been suspended. Of course I can't call until Monday so now I get to spend the weekend stressing. I am tired of being alive. I really am. I can't keep going like this. Something needs to give and soon or I am going out back to a tree. Speaking of trees our backyard is littered with broken branches due to 70mph winds yesterday. We lost power for 2 hours and 12 minutes. I had to cook dinner over a butane stove in fading light. That was oodles of fun. Went out at 3:37 and came back just as we finished dinner near 6. Can I just end it all, please? 

ANA Y4 D285

No improvement, no changes, no nothing. I am spiraling but I do have therapy today. I am also going to do an ear drain today to see if that helps. Otherwise, I am still in hell. 

ANA Y4 D284

Day 6. Fuck this life.

No news on the job front. No news about anything. Life sucks. 

ANA Y4 D283

My screaming has moved out of my hears and into my whole head. Fuck my life.

Went to the store. Made dinner. Took dog for walk. 

ANA Y4 D282

Scream.

Spent $700 yesterday having my damn water heater serviced. Water was only coming out at around 90 degrees. When he was done, it was back to 136.5. Took my first HOT shower in months this morning. We originally thought it was just because it had been so cold outside that it was struggling to heat up. Nope. Just needed to be flushed and descaled. The upside is that price included the pump and cables to do it in the future. Which means I can learn how to do it myself next year. It really should be done annually. C had doc appointment and everything went well for her. We took dog on two walks again. I am still struggling to connect with this place that wants an interview. Their software isn't sending out meeting invites correctly and the HR person seems clueless on how to work around it. Maybe something will come of that today. 

ANA Y4 D281

I just noticed I messed up yesterday's title. Whatever.

Mild scream today. Up early because water heater people coming between 8 and 12. Went on another walk yesterday. Very nice. Didn't feel good in the tummy so made soup and grilled cheese for dinner. Otherwise, quiet day.

Ana Y4 D280

Head screaming and clocks changed. HATE today. It's "7:30" but it's pitch black outside and I did not get renough sleep. 

Had hair appointment, stopped at the store, scheduled a service for our water tank, did laundry, took dog for TWO walks, made bento boxes for dinner, played games, watched a movie. Good filled day. 

ANA Y4 D279

It back.

Went to lunch with friend yesterday. Was nice. It rained on and off during the day then stormed like crazy last night. Fough the dog to go outside because for some reason she is a princess who hates being wet. Okay. Made pasta for dinner. Started new show. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D278

Still silent. Go me.

More importantly, I got an interview!! Working on the when but the win here is that my new resume is working and getting me into people's hands. I applied Wednesday, got an email requesting an interview yesterday. It's not really what I want sadly. It's another consulting company. But if it pays the bills while I find something else, then great. I know the skills are a fit, but not sure about culture. I will go to the interview, see what they have to say. But my hopes are low. Regardless, I got an interview and that's the win.

C got home very late last night but I still made a pork tenderloin, we finished a show, and we played games. Productive yet short evening together.

Having lunch with a friend today and hair appointment tomorrow. 

ANA Y4 D277

Blessed silence. I had to force myself to stay up until midnight and slept for 7 hours but it did the trick.

Applied to more jobs, watched TV, posted on linkedin, got my unemployment, went to the grocery store. 

ANA Y4 D276

We received Merlot's urn yesterday. It's very beautiful. Fitting memorial for the baby. 

That was weird. My whole window closed. Whatever. Thankfully it saved a draft. Anyway. 

Same shit different day. No interviews, two rejections. Just got to hold on. 

ANA Y4 D275

Still the same on all fronts.

We did get something nice yesterday. Chewy sent us flowers for Merlot. Very sweet and unexpected. Customer service at its best.

Tried a new burger place. It was really good. Made chicken sandwiches for dinner. Watched some tv. 

ANA Y4 D274

Nothing going on. Another week, no interviews. Time to apply to more jobs. It was cold as hell again yesterday. Currently 15 outside. Getting real tired of this weather. Time change next week. That will be annoying. We played games yesterday. Hung out. Played with dog. Watched TV. Tried some new shows. A quiet weekend day. Now it's back to trying to find a job. 

ANA Y4 D273

Still screaming. Welcome to March.

They dropped off Merlot yesterday. Of course when C got home and saw it she lost her shit. That was fun. We had pizza. Watched the end of Fallout. Let's see where this is going in season 3. Which will be in 2027 assuming we're all still here.

Cleaned the house. Like deep cleaned. Nothing else going on. 

ANA Y4 D272

Head's screaming. All week,

Little better yesterday. C only broke down twice. Worst was when they called to let us know her ashes will be delivered tomorrow. That killed her. We did go on a walk finally. That was nice. We watched some tv and she was so exhausted she slept on the couch from 8-11. I played games. 

ANA Y4 D271

Not much better around here. Day three of screaming. Still breaking down randomly. I broke down over a damn web page yesterday because I had to cancel Merlot's chewy autoship. Fuck me.

Had a good meeting with career coach. She's updating my resume even more. Have it back to me this weekend.

No plans for today or the weekend. 

ANA Y4 D270

Not doing much better around here right now. C is still breaking down any time she sees something that reminds her. She stayed home yesterday because she wasn't ready to deal with work shit yet. I get that. She's trying her best but it's hard. That was her companiion for 11 years. You don't forget that overnight. Applied for more jobs. Cleaned the house. Not much else going on.

ANA Y4 D269

We prepared for the worse but we still weren't prepared enough. Our sweet baby is gone. My fears and initial assessment were sadly correct. She had a stroke which was due most likely to a blood clot. It caused her to lose neuro function to her lower half. Her bladder and colon were severely full and impacted. This is why she was leaking urine all over. Even if we had "fixed" that in the immediate, it would have happened again and again because she couldn't control those parts of her body. We had to make the devastating decision based on her quality of life. C was destroyed. I was destroyed. It was gut wrenching and one of the hardest things either of us has ever had to do. If I start thinking too much right now, I am going to break down again. The rest of the day was basically a blur. This is the first time in nearly 30 years there hasn't been a cat in this house. It's weird. I cleaned up everything after we got home so C wouldn't have to do it. It was hard for me, but it would have been worse for her. I don't know what else I can say right now. Let's hope it hurts less today. Rest well sweet baby.

 

ANA Y4 D268

Silence still.

We couldn't get merlot in yesterday. She is cognitive, but not eating, peeing everywhere, and she has lost most use of her back legs. We are going in about 6 hours to the vet. We're hoping for a solution but prepping ourselves for worse case outcome.

Sunday we headed out around noon. On the way C realized she forgot her ear plugs. We stopped at a guitar center on the route. It gave us a chance to explore an area just outside downtown that we both found acceptable. Adds more options when we are ready to move. Got to the hotel a little before three. Because it was a Sunday in Feb, it was dead as a doornail. We got a nice suite on the top floor. Around 4 we went and had an early dinner. Sadly it was snowing all day and it was bitter cold. At 6:15 we walked over to the venue. Poor C was dying from the cold. We got there at 6:45, went straight in. The merch line was insane so we found our seats and then I went back to merch during the opening act. I got her a hoodie for the walk back. Made all the difference in the world. The venue is smaller than than the last one by about half. Even though we were only one row closer on paper, it felt like we were right on top of the stage. It was awesome. Show was incredible. He changed the playlist up slightly from last time too which was cool. Show let out around 10:45 and we walked back. C was wide awake. We found a late night cafe and drove to get a snack around 11:45. Got back to the hotel at 12:30, slept until 4:30 and headed home. The whole time we were stressed and worried about Merlot.

Picked up the dog, took care of things at home, and then she went back to sleep for a few hours. I alas did not. We didn't feel like cooking because of everything and had Korean BBQ for dinner last night. Went to bed at 8:30 as we're up at 4:30 again. She's going into work early allowing her to leave early to meet us at the vet.

Please keep Merlot in your thoughts and send good vibes. 

ANA Y4 D267

Incredible night. Day two of silence. Merlot is not doing well. Waiting for call from vet. More tomorrow.

ANA Y4 D266

Silence. Thank god.

Merlot is not doing better. I am really worried. Concert tonight. But it's being overshadowed by Merlot. I am worried we will come home to a deceased cat. FUCK. 

ANA Y4 D265

I'm up at 4am because of Merlot. She's taken a turn for the worse. Her back legs have seem to given up on her. We have an appointment Tuesday but I don't know if she will make it that long. We can't afford to go to an emergency vet either. My brain and head are both out of control right now.

ANA Y4 D264

I'm going to stop telling you if my head is screaming. Assume it is.

Applied for more jobs. Had a career coach meeting. Made additional changes to my resume to further get it past auto software. She 100% agreed that if I could just get a fucking interview, I could get a job. We were scheduled for 50 minutes, talked for 90. This is my issue. I can sell myself. I can hold my own in an interview. I am just not getting to a human. Pissing me off.

Made fajitas for dinner. Finished season 5 of slow horses. Played games. Two more days until NiN. 

ANA Y4 D263

Scream back. I am wondering if this is neuro and not aural at this point.

Not much yesterday. Went to a webinar on ageism in the job search. Most was common sense to me, but picked up a couple of good things. Have my coach meeting today. Got my first unemployment check. Just a few more days until the concert. 

ANA Y4 D262

Silence is back. I went to bed around 10, slept until 6:15, had solid sleep. Strong dreams. Weather changed again. I was reading yesterday that the rapid melting of snow on Monday released a shit ton of pollution and caused bad air quality. Have to wonder what the correlation is between that and my head.

Didn't find anything worth applying to yesterday sadly. I have hit things to hard too fast and now it is drying up. I will try again today. Made sausage rolls for dinner. Watched tv. Nothing else exciting going on in my life. Just a few more days until NiN part two! Much excite! 

ANA Y4 D261

Scream is back. I had two full days of silence. It was really nice. The weather changed dramatically overnight too which doesn't help things. I am hoping it will fade down a bit today.

Applied for more jobs. Submitted my unemployment. Let's see what comes of that. Nothing else new going on. 

ANA Y4 D260

Silent. I had about 9 hours yesterday and it came back. Let's see if I can go the whole day.

Cleaned. Did laundry. Had pizza for dinner. 

ANA Y4 D259

Blessed silence.

Got two more rejections while I slept. This tells me these things aren't being read by humans. They are going through fucking software and AI instead of people. Fuck this. Starting to get depressed. Really depressed.

Took dog to grromers. Went to store. Went to friend's house. Was depressed the whole time. Just want this to be over in any number of ways. 

ANA Y4 D258

Scream

Paid myself last night and took care of bills. This way I don't have to deal with it this morning. It's done and done. I gave myself exactly how much I would have received on a normal pay period. I was tempted to round up, but I stuck to my guns. Had a meeting with my old company about doing 1099 work but they couldn't come up with something that was less beneficial to me than unemployment. Sorry but why risk for sure money for a chance of money. It just didn't make financial sense. Applied to more jobs. Just playing the waiting game right now. Hopefully this will be over soon. Taking dog to groomer today. For the last time for a while sadly. 

ANA Y4 D257

It's back. Sigh.

Got ALL of my money finally. Still not treating it like extra though. I am going to pay myself tomorrow. Started using my new resume yesterday. Hopefully it will get more traction. Had my unemployment meeting. That went well. They only want me to log one job per week. I am at 26 applied right now. The interviewer could tell I was serious about everything and it went smoothly. Let's see when that first check comes. I plan on using it for things like C's car payment and my hair. Groceries too. It's like the $500 I was getting before for expenses. NONE of this at this point is "extra" money. All has a purpose.

Hopefully we get C's car today. Hopefully. 

ANA Y4 D256

Finally silence.

I got paid finally. 11 days after being laid off. Ridiculous. Still haven't gotten the $1500 they promised me.  Fucking sales people still sending me emails like I work there. Hopefully the car will finally be ready today. Have virtual meeting for unemployment today. Let's see how that shit goes.

ANA Y4 D255

Scream

Started with the career counselor yesterday. Most of their stuff is job seeking 101. I don't need to know how to network, I am not "branding" myself. I don't need positive messaging. What I do need and they did start helping me with is a rewrite of my resume. I managed to get it from 5 pages down to 2 with their help. I also worked with them on how to format it to get past AST and AI software. That was valuable. I am much happier with what I have now. If they can offer anything else, great. If not, whatever.

C's car won't be ready until Weds or Thurs now. They called yesterday and I asked them simply, what are you going to do for me? It's been two weeks since I bought the car and I don't have it yet. They didn't have answer so I told them they have until Weds, now don't they? We shall see what happens.

Friend came over last night and helped me go through clothes. I made a sell pile, a donate pile, a keep pile, and an add to rotation pile. Was a lot of work but very cathartic. I probably have $1000 worth of clothes I can sell. Going to list it all on depop. We will see what comes of that. Going to work more on that today.

Applied to my five jobs yesterday. Going to do more and more excited now with the resume. 

ANA Y4 D254

Scream. I did get 12 hours of silence yesterday. Was quite nice.

Week two of unemployment. I applied for one job yesterday. Still waiting for my actual severance check which is complete bullshit. My idiot ex boss is still sending shit to my old work email. I know because I checked it last night. He has no clue what he is doing. C worked all damn day. Hopefully we get her car today. Supposed to be ready. Don't know what time though. It might be done today but too late for us to get it. We shall see.Did laundry. All the laundry. Need to bring up the final load from the dryer still. Going to start with the career folks today. Let's see what comes of that. 

ANA Y4 D253

Same.

Had my hair did yesterday. Did laundry. Cleaned. Made dinner. Watched TV.  

ANA Y4 D252

Scream

Applied to five more jobs yesterday. One I really want. 3 have rejected me so far out of 15 applied. That's 20%. Still means I have an 80% chance of finding something. Will start work with the counselor people on Monday. Still no car. No update either which pisses me off. Hair appointment today. 

ANA Y4 D251

Still screaming. I had about 3 hours of respite yesterday but otherwise same ol.

Had my new crown put on yesterday. Feels so much better than the temp one did. Still sore, but the texture feels so much better. I was lazy yesterday. Just did some networking and that's it. I have access to the career counselor now and will message them on monday. I am just starting to feel helpless so I need to get through this weekend. Hopefully I will be back on it mentally after a couple of days. 

Didn't feel like cooking last night. Had sushi delivered. We still have our discretionary fund luckily. Should still have 4-500 for the concert in a couple of weeks.  

ANA Y4 D250

Still scream

Another 4 jobs applied for. No responses.

Have dentist this morning. Then back at it. Still no car. 

ANA Y4 D249

Scream.

I applied to four jobs yesterday. Will do at least that today too. Nothing to do but wait. I should hear from the career counselor today. I should also get my check soon. C's car should be ready on Friday. Lots of sitting and waiting right now. Driving me insane obviously. C is sick and is staying home. This is our life now. 

ANA Y4 D248

Okay, my head is back. Which of course leads to the question of "Why?". What did I do different last night that I didn't do the previous nights? What did I eat? Need to figure this out.

I was productive yesterday. Signed my term papers to get my severance check rolling. You know, this is the first time I have been laid off where my check wasn't ready to go. So fucking weird. Regardless, it's in the works and I should get it next week. That's fine by me. I also applied for unemployment. It's not a lot, but it can go straight into savings and buy me some buffer. It's 25% of my salary. Oh well. It's money. I also reached out to six old clients letting them know I was available. Three replied indicating that they might have some contract work for me. I also expanded my linkedin network by five people and directly touched base with them. Lastly, I directly applied for two jobs. I plan on applying for 2-3 more today. At least 10 a week minimum. I was going to do more, but the unemployment office needs to see regular applications so I don't want to shoot my shot all at once. I will keep on keeping on.

Made char siu pork last night. Came out pretty good to be honest. Did it with a steam bath to keep it nice and moist. Still no update on C's car. I am hoping to hear something today or tomorrow. This cold is still kicking my butt a little. Throat is better but am made purely of snot right now. 

Time to do morning stuff and apply for jobs. 

ANA Y4 D247

Still silent. A little blip yesterday for two hours, but otherwise, all good. Again, let's be honest. This all started in Jan of 25 when I was told my job would be on the line. Ever since then I have been struggling. Now that is gone and oh look, my head is clearning up. What a fucking shock.

I have been up for a while. I took care of signing my final term papers and applied for unemployment. It's going to be 25% of my salary so that's going straight to savings every week. At the very least I will build up a buffer in my savings over the next three months. My goal for this week is to apply to at least 5 jobs per day. That's 100 jobs in Feb. All I need is one. I am also going to be working my network. Today's other goal is to reach out to old customers and see if they have something for me. I figure it won't hurt and it keeps my network going.

We didn't do much of anything yesterday. This cold is kicking my butt. I had no energy yesterday. 10 years ago if I felt like this I would be like "oh it's a cold no big deal". Now though I have to worry if it's covid or if it will turn worse because I am old and the world sucks. We did go to the store last night and got tea, juice, soup, and nyquil. I will kick it. 

Off to send emails and apply for jobs. Wish me luck!! 

ANA Y4 D246

It came back yesterday, but am silent now. But I now have a cold. My throat is killing me. My nose is stopped up. I can't win can I?

Did laundry, made dinner, had no energy. Went to bed at 9 with nyquil in me. Need more. 

ANA Y4 D245

Still silent. We all know it was my job, right?

Yesterday was a bit surreal. I had my final 1 on 1 at 1pm but until then, there was really nothing for me to do. Like nothing. It was during this time I recently how workplace institutionalized I am. What do you mean I don't have to open outlook or teams? What do you mean I don't have to put timesheets in? Monday is going to be very weird. I have had the same routine, even when "off" for a long fucking time.

I had therapy in the morning and got to work through some of my feelings. The biggest of course is anger. Anger at myself. Anger for not being in a better position where I didn't have to go back to work for a while. I get C's feelings of being trapped. I don't want to keep doing what I have been doing, but I don't have a choice. Period. I am not sad about losing my job. My job isn't the definition of who I am. It was and always will be a means to an end. But I am mad. I am mad that once more I am starting over. 

C was in a better mood too. She needed to get all that off her chest on Thursday and it helped. I think we're both in a better place to move forward.

ANA Y4 D244

Still riding the rollercoaster, but at least my head is quiet. Progress?

The dealer called again yesterday. While having the car in the shop to change the tires, another vehicle hit a patch of ice and hit the car. I know. Now they have to replace the bumper and it won't be ready until next week. Seriously. BUT they did give us a loaner. At least we are a two car household again. C hates the car they gave her but I don't care. It's a car. I don't have to drive her any more. We will get her actual car when we get it. She is losing it. This is too many things at once for her. For me, it's life as usual sadly. Got my final paycheck. Have to pay bills this morning. Next week I get my severance. Going straight into savings. Did some networking yesterday. Hopefully Feb will be my month. 

ANA Y4 D243

Scream.

Well, yesterday was a rollercoaster to say the least. In the morning I went down to take care of the car. I walked in pre-approved for 60 months at 7.84. The manager saw that and was confident he could beat. He said if you're at least 700, I can beat that by a point. Well, turns out I am 730 and he beat it by a point and a half. I got the car out the door for 17,600 at 6.34%. Not too bad. I put 2,000 down giving C a payment of $300 a month.  Took about three hours, but we got it done. During final inspection they found an issue with one of the tires not matching the others and one that was borderline tire wear. They're replacing the two ties and we're picking it up tonight. At least one thing will be resolved. So that was my morning...

At 4:30pm I was officially laid off. The effective date is 2/2 and that's when I will get my severance check. I get three months cash, three months insurance, and three months paid career counseling. Okay, I will take it. I am both scared and relieved to be honest. With unemployment and severance I should be good for about 4 months. On Monday I will look in earnest for something new. Right now, I just want to get through the next few days without losing my mind.

C is of course stressed. I don't blame her. I will figure it out. I have to. Failure is not an option. Death sadly is not an option. 

ANA Y4 D242

Day 5.

We tried again to get her car.  On Tuesdays and Wednesdays they close at 6. WTF? So I am going this morning to get it done. I already have preapproval from my bank. We decided to do it through my bank. We both submitted it to our banks. Her rate? 13.8. Mine, 7.8. No brainer. I will do it through mine and she will make the payment. $300 a month. Yes, I trust her to make the payment. Yes, I trust her to deal with it. Plus this way my credit gets better. I wanted her to do it for that reason alone, but the rate difference is too much. This is the first time I can walk into a dealer with everything pre-approved and ready to go. The power is in my hands, not the dealers. The salesperson knows this which is why they are like sorry we're closed. They aren't going to make any real money off us. But it makes it nice for me. We got halfway there when C texted them to say we were on our way and that's when they were like well we close in 12 minutes. Fuck you. 

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will tell you about a successful deal. 

ANA Y4 D241

 Scream.

We went and looked at our a car for C last night. Sort of.  First off, I knew MI had blue laws still which means no car buying on Sundays. I didn't realize that dealers close fucking early too. We got there at 7:55 and they were closing for the night. What the fuck?? We got to look at the exterior of the car only. We have to go back tonight after work to actually drive it. We found her a 2023 Hyundai Elentra with 12k miles on it for $16.5. That will last her quite a while. It's a good solid car. Looks like a lease turn in to me. Or an employee car. Either way, good mileage, good year, decent price. Cheaper than the Jeep I got for B. We got home and C immediately went online to her bank to get pre-approval and start the process. We're going to put 20% down which should keep the payment reasonable for her. What struck me most about this was how we worked as a team to find it. *I* didn't do everything. We did it together. We went together. We're making the decision together. Means a lot to me. I wish we could have dealt with it last night, but we're one step closer to a solution. Hopefully we go back tonight earlier and we can drive it and have this resolved. 

ANA Y4 D240

Still snowing, still screaming. Happy Straya Day.

Nothing of any interest. We stayed inside. We didn't do anything. This is my life. 

ANA Y4 D239

Still screaming.

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever really known  

ANA Y4 D238

Back to screaming. Lovely. 

It is very cold here. -6 right now. The dog's paws are getting frozen when we go outside. We had to shovel a path for her to try and make it a little better. Too fucking cold. 

ANA Y4 D237

Back to silence. Only one day of screaming. Nice.

Worked on my videos. Went to the store. We had a lamp explode on us last night. Happened while I was at the store and freaked both C and the dog out. She's worried about the electrical, I think it was just an old lamp with a bad bulb. But I had to calm them both down. More snow all day. Oh yeah, I had a crown put on yesterday. Hurts like a motherfucker still. It's a temp so I have to go back in ten days for the final one. Joy. Almost the weekend thankfully. 

ANA Y4 D236

Head is back sadly. I had a full two days though, that was nice.

Spent three hours yesterday on a meeting with my boss trying to figure out a technical issue. We finally got it resolved but what a pain in the ass. I can now finish my videos this morning. But first I have a dental appointment.

Snowed like crazy all day yesterday. More inbound today.

I applied for a jobin Grand Rapids yesterday. Let's see if I hear anything back. Also reached out to that CEO to stay on his radar. Made fish for dinner. Watched tv. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D235

Don't want to talk today. I am alive and that's all you need to know.

ANA Y4 D234

Silence today. Only two days of screaming. Nice.

Worked on my new video. Finalizing today. Nothing else going on. Made little chickens for dinner.

ANA Y4 D233

Still screaming. Joy.

We cleaned house together yesterday. Nice to work as a partner on stuff. I rewired the living room stereo equipment. Made ribs for dinner. Not much of anything else. 

ANA Y4 D232

Back to screaming. Woke up from a dream and BOOM they started right in. WTF? I got all of one day this time. Joy.

C ended up coming home early. She got sick at work. Luckily she has the next two days off. We need to solve this car issue. I can't keep driving her. Made sausages for dinner. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda. Just fucking shoot me already. 

ANA Y4 D231

Silence. Good.

Quiet day. More snow. Worked on some random shit. Made air fryer mahi last night. Was pleased with how it turned out. Took C to the dispensary. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D230

Screaming. Whee.

I had an interview yesterday. It was with the CEO of an AI company. It went really well. The problem is this is another startup. His product doesn't even launch until the end of the month. BUT this is the kind of thing I have been looking to get into for a long time. He needs someone to head up his training team at product launch. At the start it would be contract work only, but would lead to a full time position by summer. I could make this work. He sold his last company for enough money that he lives in West Hollywood. With a view of the Hollywood Bowl no less. I would be employee number three. If I can make it work shor term money wise, long term this could be the thing that sets me up for retirement. I know it went well because the guy who put us together sent me a screencap of a text. It was from the CEO saying "Thanks for the introduction, she is awesome". That helped the old ego let me tell you. My whole career I've wanted into one of these startups that will go the distance. Specifically at a high enough level where I get the payout. Took me long enough but this might just be the one. Five years at this company and I can retire happily. Just need to make it short term. We shall see what comes of it. 

ANA Y4 D229

My head is back and it is screaming hard today. Like making up for me having a day of silence.  This is going to be an issue as I have an interview today. Dammit.

I had my physical yesterday. Passed that with flying colors. Everything is good except of course for my ears. Nothing to do there sadly.

Snowed ALL day yesterday. Had to drive to pick C up and nearly lost it a couple of times. Haven't checked outside yet but it was still going when we went to bed at 11. 

Meetings and interview today. Wish me luck. 

ANA Y4 D228

Silence so far. It came back yesterday. I only had about three hours of silence. Let's see if I can go all day today.

The day was nothing interesting, but I did get a phone call around 7pm from my former ceo. He finally was able to get me and this other CEO linked up. We're meeting tomorrow at 3pm to discuss opportunties to lead his training group. Hopefully something will come of it. 

Today I have a physical. Let's find out everything broken about me shall we? 

ANA Y4 D227

Finally silence. Six days of screaming.

We got a repair quote for C's car. $1500 including the tow to get it there. We'd rather put that as a down payment on a 'new' car for her. So now we're going to spend this week looking at cars. Until then I have to drive her to work. She won't drive my car because she's afraid of something happening and she doesn't want to leave me stranded. Here's the positive - we worked on the problem together. *I* didn't have to make the calls, take the pictures, do everything. No we did it as a team. It's us versus the problem. We worked together, we discussed it together, we came up with a plan together. This is the way it should be. This is the foundation of a good relationship. Made me very happy.

ANA Y4 D226

Day 6. Will it ever stop again?

Rough day. Nothing we could do about the car since it was a fucking sunday which just stressed me out. Did laundry.Ordered a pizza. 

ANA Y4 D228

Still going.

Shit is fucked right now. I had a mostly decent day until C got home. I did a photoshoot from my friend. Cleaned the house. Prepped for company. As she was pulling into the driveway something on her rear suspension snapped. It looks like the rear control arm but it might be the whole subframe. I don't want to deal with this. It's her car and it should be her problem but I know I will be the one who ends up dealing with it. We had friends over for tacos. Went to bed around midnight. Fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck.

 I wish I was dead. 

ANA Y4 D227

Still going. Day 4. Sigh.

Worked, had meetings, took friend out for birthday dinner, watched a movie, had root beer floats. New coffee table came. Very happy with it. Need to add some LEDs to the underside to finish off the feel. Doing a photoshoot today for other friend. 

ANA Y4 D226

Was starting to fade but now back loud. Sigh.

Finished another video yesterday. Had some electrical work done. Finally have hardwire upstairs in the living room. Continued to work on changes to the living room. Mounted a surfboard on the wall. New coffee table arrives today. Made pork for dinner. Went to the grocery store. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D225

Still scream. No improvement.

Worked on my next video. Recording today. Made mexican platters for dinner. Watched tv. C fell asleep on the couch. Finally nice enough I was able to take dog for walk. Electrician coming today to do some work. Same ol' same ol'.  

ANA Y4 D224

Ears are back. Got one day this time. Woo.

Worked on videos, did more furniture rearranging. We finished season 1 of the acolyte, had ham for dinner. 

ANA Y4 D223

Silence this morning. Go me!

Worked on videos yesterday. Hopefully will drop a new one today for work. I have two I want to get done this week. Should be able to do it. Still haven't heard back from the job I applied for. 

We did do something fun yesterday. C was home and we started looking at the living room. We got a new plant recently, a 6 foot palm for that room. It's made us rethink the look we are going for out there. After some playing around with ideas, we ended up moving the sofa, deciding on a new coffee table, and making plans to make other changes. It was nice to have my creativity sparked and do something tangible. New year, new space kind of thing. We have a lot more to do out there, but just the little we did made us both feel good.

Time to give cat meds. 

ANA Y4 D222

Ears still going.

Frank the wonder pooper is back with its pack. She wasn't a bad dog but she didn't poop once outside. She was otherwise okay to watch. I don't think I would do it again though. We didn't do much of anything yesterday. C went and got her hair done. We made ravioli for dinner. Watched some TV. That's about it. Good way to end vacation.

ANA Y4 D221

My head is back and with a vengeance. Like really fucking bad already. WHY?? Nothing changed?? I didn't go to bed super late. I didn't change anything? I was fine for two full days? What the hell??

Yesterday started off with a bang. I was getting the cat her meds when she decided to try and kill me. I went down the stairs hard. Scraped up my arm, fucked up my tailbone, and smashed the plate of food I was carrying. This was at 6am and a hell of a way to start my day. Loads of fun. I am still in pain.

Went to my hair appointment and the Urgent Care doc called me. He didn't like the results of the culture he did so he switched me to a stronger antibiotic. Severe side effects but it will kill anything in me. Lovely. 

The sausage dog shit multiple times in my house. Not pleased about that either. It was rough trying to take care of them and be in pain. What a way to end my vacation.

I watched B's wedding livestreamed. Most awkward 13 minutes ever. Seriously, it lasted 13 minutes. On the upside I felt nothing about my ex getting remarried. I mean nothing more than oh my friend is getting married, grats. Like no weird emotions or anything. So that's something. 

The beasts are waking up. My head is killing me. My ass hurts. My arm hurts. This is going to be a long fucking day. 

ANA Y4 D220

Still quiet. Suprising seeing how much stress is going on here right now. We're watching B's dog for them while they're off getting married this weekend. Having two dogs is not working out well. Sandy is just being insane around it, it's scared and the size of the cat. It's anxious, scared, and confused. It has peed in the house twice, once in my slipper. I just took it out this morning but now it's eating and I know it will have to go again. I have a hair appt this morning and am stressed. But I will get through. B sent us a $100 gift card for watching the dog which she didn't need to do but she did.

Last night we finished Stranger Things. An era has come to a close. I only cried once. No spoilers, I promise, but there were some moments I was teary. More because it's over sometimes. Almost 9 years of watching that show and following these adventures. Not a perfect season but it's been laid to rest and all the questions answered. All I could ask for from a show.

Okay time to do shit. more tomorrow. 

ANA Y4 D219

Up early this morning. Head is finally silent. Have to take doggo to groomers.

Quiet day yesterday. It snowed all day and between that and it being a holiday for a lot of people, it was quiet outside. I do love how silent winter is around here. A lot less vroom vroom down the street. Haven't heard back on that job yet, but that doesn't shock me. Probably won't until next week. Did some cleaning. Made steaks for dinner. We watched some tv and went to bed.

Hair appointment for both of us this weekend. Looking forward to that. 

ANA Y4 D218

Welcome to 2026. Seriously. how insane is that? Starting the year off with yelling ears and a UTI. Woot.

Yesterday I got up and got paid. Our payroll is all screwed up this week. We are switching from one HR company to internal so my pay was only for 64 hours. Effectively up to 12/31. I was supposed to get the remainder, 16 hours, tomorrow. All good right? Of course not. I get the first deposit at 5am fine, but then at 9am I get a second one to Wells and then this morning I get the second one to BoA. For whatever reason, they both pused early but that caused major confusion on our Finance side. The good news, is I am all paid and so are bills. Whatever. It's just this all came down while I was having a panic attack. Allow me to explain...

So the pee issue. It was still bad yesterday morning. Around 8:30 I got the results back from my urine test. Bacteria = MANY in all caps and bright red on the results. That and some other results were bad. The urine section was pretty much all red. Except for the one that detects cancer. Luckily that one was green. The end result was I needed antibiotics and I needed them NOW. I try calling my doctor. No answer because it's 8:30am. Okay fine. I will email them. No response. I wait until 9 and call back and get a voicemail. They're closed until the 5th. FUCK. But in the message they list ALL the emails. Cue malicious emailing. I emailed every name on that list. I also made an urgent care appointment. I made t for 2 hours out to give my PCP time to respond. 

Time draws nearer and I can't wait. I print out the test results and head to urgent care. Luckily I was the only one in there. I show them the results, they agree it's a UTI, they then prescribe 5 days of antibiotics. A very aggressive one. The nurse and doc both told me I made the right choice in not waiting for my regular doc to call me. If I had let it go any longer it could have really messed things up based on my numbers. But here's the kicker - literally as I am walking out the door, my PCP calls me. We talked for a few, she validated the urgent care opinion but double the antibiotics. Now today I have to pick up a second 5 day set. She wants me on them for 10 because of the progression. Okay. After 2 doses I will say it's a HUGE improvement and I do feel much better. No complaints. Plus they were $8 for the meds so definitely no complaints. I ran a couple of other errands while I was out including getting supplies for dinner. We made pizzas last night. 

I should also mention more snow all day. We went from clearing up to 2 inches. That made running all these errands even more annoying. But I got everything done in the end, took my meds, took care of everything else. It's what I do. 

We watched some tv, had champagne at 11 because we knew we wouldn't make it to midnight. We were in bed by 11:30 but our neighbors let us know it was midnight with their damn fireworks. Thanks.  Nothing planned for today. C works until Sunday. I am going to do laundry, dishes, and make a nice dinner for the first day of what was it again, oh year 20 fucking 26.