ANA Y4 D260

Silent. I had about 9 hours yesterday and it came back. Let's see if I can go the whole day.

Cleaned. Did laundry. Had pizza for dinner. 

ANA Y4 D259

Blessed silence.

Got two more rejections while I slept. This tells me these things aren't being read by humans. They are going through fucking software and AI instead of people. Fuck this. Starting to get depressed. Really depressed.

Took dog to grromers. Went to store. Went to friend's house. Was depressed the whole time. Just want this to be over in any number of ways. 

ANA Y4 D258

Scream

Paid myself last night and took care of bills. This way I don't have to deal with it this morning. It's done and done. I gave myself exactly how much I would have received on a normal pay period. I was tempted to round up, but I stuck to my guns. Had a meeting with my old company about doing 1099 work but they couldn't come up with something that was less beneficial to me than unemployment. Sorry but why risk for sure money for a chance of money. It just didn't make financial sense. Applied to more jobs. Just playing the waiting game right now. Hopefully this will be over soon. Taking dog to groomer today. For the last time for a while sadly. 

ANA Y4 D257

It's back. Sigh.

Got ALL of my money finally. Still not treating it like extra though. I am going to pay myself tomorrow. Started using my new resume yesterday. Hopefully it will get more traction. Had my unemployment meeting. That went well. They only want me to log one job per week. I am at 26 applied right now. The interviewer could tell I was serious about everything and it went smoothly. Let's see when that first check comes. I plan on using it for things like C's car payment and my hair. Groceries too. It's like the $500 I was getting before for expenses. NONE of this at this point is "extra" money. All has a purpose.

Hopefully we get C's car today. Hopefully. 

ANA Y4 D256

Finally silence.

I got paid finally. 11 days after being laid off. Ridiculous. Still haven't gotten the $1500 they promised me.  Fucking sales people still sending me emails like I work there. Hopefully the car will finally be ready today. Have virtual meeting for unemployment today. Let's see how that shit goes.

ANA Y4 D255

Scream

Started with the career counselor yesterday. Most of their stuff is job seeking 101. I don't need to know how to network, I am not "branding" myself. I don't need positive messaging. What I do need and they did start helping me with is a rewrite of my resume. I managed to get it from 5 pages down to 2 with their help. I also worked with them on how to format it to get past AST and AI software. That was valuable. I am much happier with what I have now. If they can offer anything else, great. If not, whatever.

C's car won't be ready until Weds or Thurs now. They called yesterday and I asked them simply, what are you going to do for me? It's been two weeks since I bought the car and I don't have it yet. They didn't have answer so I told them they have until Weds, now don't they? We shall see what happens.

Friend came over last night and helped me go through clothes. I made a sell pile, a donate pile, a keep pile, and an add to rotation pile. Was a lot of work but very cathartic. I probably have $1000 worth of clothes I can sell. Going to list it all on depop. We will see what comes of that. Going to work more on that today.

Applied to my five jobs yesterday. Going to do more and more excited now with the resume. 

ANA Y4 D254

Scream. I did get 12 hours of silence yesterday. Was quite nice.

Week two of unemployment. I applied for one job yesterday. Still waiting for my actual severance check which is complete bullshit. My idiot ex boss is still sending shit to my old work email. I know because I checked it last night. He has no clue what he is doing. C worked all damn day. Hopefully we get her car today. Supposed to be ready. Don't know what time though. It might be done today but too late for us to get it. We shall see.Did laundry. All the laundry. Need to bring up the final load from the dryer still. Going to start with the career folks today. Let's see what comes of that. 

ANA Y4 D253

Same.

Had my hair did yesterday. Did laundry. Cleaned. Made dinner. Watched TV.  

ANA Y4 D252

Scream

Applied to five more jobs yesterday. One I really want. 3 have rejected me so far out of 15 applied. That's 20%. Still means I have an 80% chance of finding something. Will start work with the counselor people on Monday. Still no car. No update either which pisses me off. Hair appointment today. 

ANA Y4 D251

Still screaming. I had about 3 hours of respite yesterday but otherwise same ol.

Had my new crown put on yesterday. Feels so much better than the temp one did. Still sore, but the texture feels so much better. I was lazy yesterday. Just did some networking and that's it. I have access to the career counselor now and will message them on monday. I am just starting to feel helpless so I need to get through this weekend. Hopefully I will be back on it mentally after a couple of days. 

Didn't feel like cooking last night. Had sushi delivered. We still have our discretionary fund luckily. Should still have 4-500 for the concert in a couple of weeks.  

ANA Y4 D250

Still scream

Another 4 jobs applied for. No responses.

Have dentist this morning. Then back at it. Still no car. 

ANA Y4 D249

Scream.

I applied to four jobs yesterday. Will do at least that today too. Nothing to do but wait. I should hear from the career counselor today. I should also get my check soon. C's car should be ready on Friday. Lots of sitting and waiting right now. Driving me insane obviously. C is sick and is staying home. This is our life now. 

ANA Y4 D248

Okay, my head is back. Which of course leads to the question of "Why?". What did I do different last night that I didn't do the previous nights? What did I eat? Need to figure this out.

I was productive yesterday. Signed my term papers to get my severance check rolling. You know, this is the first time I have been laid off where my check wasn't ready to go. So fucking weird. Regardless, it's in the works and I should get it next week. That's fine by me. I also applied for unemployment. It's not a lot, but it can go straight into savings and buy me some buffer. It's 25% of my salary. Oh well. It's money. I also reached out to six old clients letting them know I was available. Three replied indicating that they might have some contract work for me. I also expanded my linkedin network by five people and directly touched base with them. Lastly, I directly applied for two jobs. I plan on applying for 2-3 more today. At least 10 a week minimum. I was going to do more, but the unemployment office needs to see regular applications so I don't want to shoot my shot all at once. I will keep on keeping on.

Made char siu pork last night. Came out pretty good to be honest. Did it with a steam bath to keep it nice and moist. Still no update on C's car. I am hoping to hear something today or tomorrow. This cold is still kicking my butt a little. Throat is better but am made purely of snot right now. 

Time to do morning stuff and apply for jobs. 

ANA Y4 D247

Still silent. A little blip yesterday for two hours, but otherwise, all good. Again, let's be honest. This all started in Jan of 25 when I was told my job would be on the line. Ever since then I have been struggling. Now that is gone and oh look, my head is clearning up. What a fucking shock.

I have been up for a while. I took care of signing my final term papers and applied for unemployment. It's going to be 25% of my salary so that's going straight to savings every week. At the very least I will build up a buffer in my savings over the next three months. My goal for this week is to apply to at least 5 jobs per day. That's 100 jobs in Feb. All I need is one. I am also going to be working my network. Today's other goal is to reach out to old customers and see if they have something for me. I figure it won't hurt and it keeps my network going.

We didn't do much of anything yesterday. This cold is kicking my butt. I had no energy yesterday. 10 years ago if I felt like this I would be like "oh it's a cold no big deal". Now though I have to worry if it's covid or if it will turn worse because I am old and the world sucks. We did go to the store last night and got tea, juice, soup, and nyquil. I will kick it. 

Off to send emails and apply for jobs. Wish me luck!! 

ANA Y4 D246

It came back yesterday, but am silent now. But I now have a cold. My throat is killing me. My nose is stopped up. I can't win can I?

Did laundry, made dinner, had no energy. Went to bed at 9 with nyquil in me. Need more. 

ANA Y4 D245

Still silent. We all know it was my job, right?

Yesterday was a bit surreal. I had my final 1 on 1 at 1pm but until then, there was really nothing for me to do. Like nothing. It was during this time I recently how workplace institutionalized I am. What do you mean I don't have to open outlook or teams? What do you mean I don't have to put timesheets in? Monday is going to be very weird. I have had the same routine, even when "off" for a long fucking time.

I had therapy in the morning and got to work through some of my feelings. The biggest of course is anger. Anger at myself. Anger for not being in a better position where I didn't have to go back to work for a while. I get C's feelings of being trapped. I don't want to keep doing what I have been doing, but I don't have a choice. Period. I am not sad about losing my job. My job isn't the definition of who I am. It was and always will be a means to an end. But I am mad. I am mad that once more I am starting over. 

C was in a better mood too. She needed to get all that off her chest on Thursday and it helped. I think we're both in a better place to move forward.

ANA Y4 D244

Still riding the rollercoaster, but at least my head is quiet. Progress?

The dealer called again yesterday. While having the car in the shop to change the tires, another vehicle hit a patch of ice and hit the car. I know. Now they have to replace the bumper and it won't be ready until next week. Seriously. BUT they did give us a loaner. At least we are a two car household again. C hates the car they gave her but I don't care. It's a car. I don't have to drive her any more. We will get her actual car when we get it. She is losing it. This is too many things at once for her. For me, it's life as usual sadly. Got my final paycheck. Have to pay bills this morning. Next week I get my severance. Going straight into savings. Did some networking yesterday. Hopefully Feb will be my month. 

ANA Y4 D243

Scream.

Well, yesterday was a rollercoaster to say the least. In the morning I went down to take care of the car. I walked in pre-approved for 60 months at 7.84. The manager saw that and was confident he could beat. He said if you're at least 700, I can beat that by a point. Well, turns out I am 730 and he beat it by a point and a half. I got the car out the door for 17,600 at 6.34%. Not too bad. I put 2,000 down giving C a payment of $300 a month.  Took about three hours, but we got it done. During final inspection they found an issue with one of the tires not matching the others and one that was borderline tire wear. They're replacing the two ties and we're picking it up tonight. At least one thing will be resolved. So that was my morning...

At 4:30pm I was officially laid off. The effective date is 2/2 and that's when I will get my severance check. I get three months cash, three months insurance, and three months paid career counseling. Okay, I will take it. I am both scared and relieved to be honest. With unemployment and severance I should be good for about 4 months. On Monday I will look in earnest for something new. Right now, I just want to get through the next few days without losing my mind.

C is of course stressed. I don't blame her. I will figure it out. I have to. Failure is not an option. Death sadly is not an option. 

ANA Y4 D242

Day 5.

We tried again to get her car.  On Tuesdays and Wednesdays they close at 6. WTF? So I am going this morning to get it done. I already have preapproval from my bank. We decided to do it through my bank. We both submitted it to our banks. Her rate? 13.8. Mine, 7.8. No brainer. I will do it through mine and she will make the payment. $300 a month. Yes, I trust her to make the payment. Yes, I trust her to deal with it. Plus this way my credit gets better. I wanted her to do it for that reason alone, but the rate difference is too much. This is the first time I can walk into a dealer with everything pre-approved and ready to go. The power is in my hands, not the dealers. The salesperson knows this which is why they are like sorry we're closed. They aren't going to make any real money off us. But it makes it nice for me. We got halfway there when C texted them to say we were on our way and that's when they were like well we close in 12 minutes. Fuck you. 

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will tell you about a successful deal. 

ANA Y4 D241

 Scream.

We went and looked at our a car for C last night. Sort of.  First off, I knew MI had blue laws still which means no car buying on Sundays. I didn't realize that dealers close fucking early too. We got there at 7:55 and they were closing for the night. What the fuck?? We got to look at the exterior of the car only. We have to go back tonight after work to actually drive it. We found her a 2023 Hyundai Elentra with 12k miles on it for $16.5. That will last her quite a while. It's a good solid car. Looks like a lease turn in to me. Or an employee car. Either way, good mileage, good year, decent price. Cheaper than the Jeep I got for B. We got home and C immediately went online to her bank to get pre-approval and start the process. We're going to put 20% down which should keep the payment reasonable for her. What struck me most about this was how we worked as a team to find it. *I* didn't do everything. We did it together. We went together. We're making the decision together. Means a lot to me. I wish we could have dealt with it last night, but we're one step closer to a solution. Hopefully we go back tonight earlier and we can drive it and have this resolved. 

ANA Y4 D240

Still snowing, still screaming. Happy Straya Day.

Nothing of any interest. We stayed inside. We didn't do anything. This is my life. 

ANA Y4 D239

Still screaming.

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever really known  

ANA Y4 D238

Back to screaming. Lovely. 

It is very cold here. -6 right now. The dog's paws are getting frozen when we go outside. We had to shovel a path for her to try and make it a little better. Too fucking cold. 

ANA Y4 D237

Back to silence. Only one day of screaming. Nice.

Worked on my videos. Went to the store. We had a lamp explode on us last night. Happened while I was at the store and freaked both C and the dog out. She's worried about the electrical, I think it was just an old lamp with a bad bulb. But I had to calm them both down. More snow all day. Oh yeah, I had a crown put on yesterday. Hurts like a motherfucker still. It's a temp so I have to go back in ten days for the final one. Joy. Almost the weekend thankfully. 

ANA Y4 D236

Head is back sadly. I had a full two days though, that was nice.

Spent three hours yesterday on a meeting with my boss trying to figure out a technical issue. We finally got it resolved but what a pain in the ass. I can now finish my videos this morning. But first I have a dental appointment.

Snowed like crazy all day yesterday. More inbound today.

I applied for a jobin Grand Rapids yesterday. Let's see if I hear anything back. Also reached out to that CEO to stay on his radar. Made fish for dinner. Watched tv. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D235

Don't want to talk today. I am alive and that's all you need to know.

ANA Y4 D234

Silence today. Only two days of screaming. Nice.

Worked on my new video. Finalizing today. Nothing else going on. Made little chickens for dinner.

ANA Y4 D233

Still screaming. Joy.

We cleaned house together yesterday. Nice to work as a partner on stuff. I rewired the living room stereo equipment. Made ribs for dinner. Not much of anything else. 

ANA Y4 D232

Back to screaming. Woke up from a dream and BOOM they started right in. WTF? I got all of one day this time. Joy.

C ended up coming home early. She got sick at work. Luckily she has the next two days off. We need to solve this car issue. I can't keep driving her. Made sausages for dinner. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda. Just fucking shoot me already. 

ANA Y4 D231

Silence. Good.

Quiet day. More snow. Worked on some random shit. Made air fryer mahi last night. Was pleased with how it turned out. Took C to the dispensary. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D230

Screaming. Whee.

I had an interview yesterday. It was with the CEO of an AI company. It went really well. The problem is this is another startup. His product doesn't even launch until the end of the month. BUT this is the kind of thing I have been looking to get into for a long time. He needs someone to head up his training team at product launch. At the start it would be contract work only, but would lead to a full time position by summer. I could make this work. He sold his last company for enough money that he lives in West Hollywood. With a view of the Hollywood Bowl no less. I would be employee number three. If I can make it work shor term money wise, long term this could be the thing that sets me up for retirement. I know it went well because the guy who put us together sent me a screencap of a text. It was from the CEO saying "Thanks for the introduction, she is awesome". That helped the old ego let me tell you. My whole career I've wanted into one of these startups that will go the distance. Specifically at a high enough level where I get the payout. Took me long enough but this might just be the one. Five years at this company and I can retire happily. Just need to make it short term. We shall see what comes of it. 

ANA Y4 D229

My head is back and it is screaming hard today. Like making up for me having a day of silence.  This is going to be an issue as I have an interview today. Dammit.

I had my physical yesterday. Passed that with flying colors. Everything is good except of course for my ears. Nothing to do there sadly.

Snowed ALL day yesterday. Had to drive to pick C up and nearly lost it a couple of times. Haven't checked outside yet but it was still going when we went to bed at 11. 

Meetings and interview today. Wish me luck. 

ANA Y4 D228

Silence so far. It came back yesterday. I only had about three hours of silence. Let's see if I can go all day today.

The day was nothing interesting, but I did get a phone call around 7pm from my former ceo. He finally was able to get me and this other CEO linked up. We're meeting tomorrow at 3pm to discuss opportunties to lead his training group. Hopefully something will come of it. 

Today I have a physical. Let's find out everything broken about me shall we? 

ANA Y4 D227

Finally silence. Six days of screaming.

We got a repair quote for C's car. $1500 including the tow to get it there. We'd rather put that as a down payment on a 'new' car for her. So now we're going to spend this week looking at cars. Until then I have to drive her to work. She won't drive my car because she's afraid of something happening and she doesn't want to leave me stranded. Here's the positive - we worked on the problem together. *I* didn't have to make the calls, take the pictures, do everything. No we did it as a team. It's us versus the problem. We worked together, we discussed it together, we came up with a plan together. This is the way it should be. This is the foundation of a good relationship. Made me very happy.

ANA Y4 D226

Day 6. Will it ever stop again?

Rough day. Nothing we could do about the car since it was a fucking sunday which just stressed me out. Did laundry.Ordered a pizza. 

ANA Y4 D228

Still going.

Shit is fucked right now. I had a mostly decent day until C got home. I did a photoshoot from my friend. Cleaned the house. Prepped for company. As she was pulling into the driveway something on her rear suspension snapped. It looks like the rear control arm but it might be the whole subframe. I don't want to deal with this. It's her car and it should be her problem but I know I will be the one who ends up dealing with it. We had friends over for tacos. Went to bed around midnight. Fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck.

 I wish I was dead. 

ANA Y4 D227

Still going. Day 4. Sigh.

Worked, had meetings, took friend out for birthday dinner, watched a movie, had root beer floats. New coffee table came. Very happy with it. Need to add some LEDs to the underside to finish off the feel. Doing a photoshoot today for other friend. 

ANA Y4 D226

Was starting to fade but now back loud. Sigh.

Finished another video yesterday. Had some electrical work done. Finally have hardwire upstairs in the living room. Continued to work on changes to the living room. Mounted a surfboard on the wall. New coffee table arrives today. Made pork for dinner. Went to the grocery store. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D225

Still scream. No improvement.

Worked on my next video. Recording today. Made mexican platters for dinner. Watched tv. C fell asleep on the couch. Finally nice enough I was able to take dog for walk. Electrician coming today to do some work. Same ol' same ol'.  

ANA Y4 D224

Ears are back. Got one day this time. Woo.

Worked on videos, did more furniture rearranging. We finished season 1 of the acolyte, had ham for dinner. 

ANA Y4 D223

Silence this morning. Go me!

Worked on videos yesterday. Hopefully will drop a new one today for work. I have two I want to get done this week. Should be able to do it. Still haven't heard back from the job I applied for. 

We did do something fun yesterday. C was home and we started looking at the living room. We got a new plant recently, a 6 foot palm for that room. It's made us rethink the look we are going for out there. After some playing around with ideas, we ended up moving the sofa, deciding on a new coffee table, and making plans to make other changes. It was nice to have my creativity sparked and do something tangible. New year, new space kind of thing. We have a lot more to do out there, but just the little we did made us both feel good.

Time to give cat meds. 

ANA Y4 D222

Ears still going.

Frank the wonder pooper is back with its pack. She wasn't a bad dog but she didn't poop once outside. She was otherwise okay to watch. I don't think I would do it again though. We didn't do much of anything yesterday. C went and got her hair done. We made ravioli for dinner. Watched some TV. That's about it. Good way to end vacation.

ANA Y4 D221

My head is back and with a vengeance. Like really fucking bad already. WHY?? Nothing changed?? I didn't go to bed super late. I didn't change anything? I was fine for two full days? What the hell??

Yesterday started off with a bang. I was getting the cat her meds when she decided to try and kill me. I went down the stairs hard. Scraped up my arm, fucked up my tailbone, and smashed the plate of food I was carrying. This was at 6am and a hell of a way to start my day. Loads of fun. I am still in pain.

Went to my hair appointment and the Urgent Care doc called me. He didn't like the results of the culture he did so he switched me to a stronger antibiotic. Severe side effects but it will kill anything in me. Lovely. 

The sausage dog shit multiple times in my house. Not pleased about that either. It was rough trying to take care of them and be in pain. What a way to end my vacation.

I watched B's wedding livestreamed. Most awkward 13 minutes ever. Seriously, it lasted 13 minutes. On the upside I felt nothing about my ex getting remarried. I mean nothing more than oh my friend is getting married, grats. Like no weird emotions or anything. So that's something. 

The beasts are waking up. My head is killing me. My ass hurts. My arm hurts. This is going to be a long fucking day. 

ANA Y4 D220

Still quiet. Suprising seeing how much stress is going on here right now. We're watching B's dog for them while they're off getting married this weekend. Having two dogs is not working out well. Sandy is just being insane around it, it's scared and the size of the cat. It's anxious, scared, and confused. It has peed in the house twice, once in my slipper. I just took it out this morning but now it's eating and I know it will have to go again. I have a hair appt this morning and am stressed. But I will get through. B sent us a $100 gift card for watching the dog which she didn't need to do but she did.

Last night we finished Stranger Things. An era has come to a close. I only cried once. No spoilers, I promise, but there were some moments I was teary. More because it's over sometimes. Almost 9 years of watching that show and following these adventures. Not a perfect season but it's been laid to rest and all the questions answered. All I could ask for from a show.

Okay time to do shit. more tomorrow. 

ANA Y4 D219

Up early this morning. Head is finally silent. Have to take doggo to groomers.

Quiet day yesterday. It snowed all day and between that and it being a holiday for a lot of people, it was quiet outside. I do love how silent winter is around here. A lot less vroom vroom down the street. Haven't heard back on that job yet, but that doesn't shock me. Probably won't until next week. Did some cleaning. Made steaks for dinner. We watched some tv and went to bed.

Hair appointment for both of us this weekend. Looking forward to that. 

ANA Y4 D218

Welcome to 2026. Seriously. how insane is that? Starting the year off with yelling ears and a UTI. Woot.

Yesterday I got up and got paid. Our payroll is all screwed up this week. We are switching from one HR company to internal so my pay was only for 64 hours. Effectively up to 12/31. I was supposed to get the remainder, 16 hours, tomorrow. All good right? Of course not. I get the first deposit at 5am fine, but then at 9am I get a second one to Wells and then this morning I get the second one to BoA. For whatever reason, they both pused early but that caused major confusion on our Finance side. The good news, is I am all paid and so are bills. Whatever. It's just this all came down while I was having a panic attack. Allow me to explain...

So the pee issue. It was still bad yesterday morning. Around 8:30 I got the results back from my urine test. Bacteria = MANY in all caps and bright red on the results. That and some other results were bad. The urine section was pretty much all red. Except for the one that detects cancer. Luckily that one was green. The end result was I needed antibiotics and I needed them NOW. I try calling my doctor. No answer because it's 8:30am. Okay fine. I will email them. No response. I wait until 9 and call back and get a voicemail. They're closed until the 5th. FUCK. But in the message they list ALL the emails. Cue malicious emailing. I emailed every name on that list. I also made an urgent care appointment. I made t for 2 hours out to give my PCP time to respond. 

Time draws nearer and I can't wait. I print out the test results and head to urgent care. Luckily I was the only one in there. I show them the results, they agree it's a UTI, they then prescribe 5 days of antibiotics. A very aggressive one. The nurse and doc both told me I made the right choice in not waiting for my regular doc to call me. If I had let it go any longer it could have really messed things up based on my numbers. But here's the kicker - literally as I am walking out the door, my PCP calls me. We talked for a few, she validated the urgent care opinion but double the antibiotics. Now today I have to pick up a second 5 day set. She wants me on them for 10 because of the progression. Okay. After 2 doses I will say it's a HUGE improvement and I do feel much better. No complaints. Plus they were $8 for the meds so definitely no complaints. I ran a couple of other errands while I was out including getting supplies for dinner. We made pizzas last night. 

I should also mention more snow all day. We went from clearing up to 2 inches. That made running all these errands even more annoying. But I got everything done in the end, took my meds, took care of everything else. It's what I do. 

We watched some tv, had champagne at 11 because we knew we wouldn't make it to midnight. We were in bed by 11:30 but our neighbors let us know it was midnight with their damn fireworks. Thanks.  Nothing planned for today. C works until Sunday. I am going to do laundry, dishes, and make a nice dinner for the first day of what was it again, oh year 20 fucking 26.