Y13 D158

Had a pretty decent day yesterday. Got to be out of the house for over 10 hours. That's where the bar is people. Am I out of the house? Then it's a decent day.

We drove to the rock shop where B picked out some nice rocks. Then we went to the Meijer Gardens where we walked around and relaxed. Then a nice 2.5 hour dinner at the melting pot. 2 hours there, an hour between destinations, 2 hours home. So out of the 10 hours, 5 were spent driving, but I'll take it. Better than being in the house.

No plans for today. Just going to exist. 

Y13 D157

 Slept for almost 7 hours. Apparently I needed some sleep. Not a shock after the week I had. Made it through all five days of teaching. My voice hurts, my head hurts, and now I get two days to prepare to do it again. Good times.

Y13 D156

Starting to come out of it. Not fully and there's a good chance I will slip back at least once before coming out the other side. Welcome to BPD people. It's a fucking nightmare. But would I want to be on meds? No. I feel meds would be worse and kill a small part of me that I actually like. The real solution for me is tom learn how to manage the lows better. This is why I go to therapy. 

B got me a vacuum sealer system for our anniversary. I got her a knife. A really nice knife from Lamson. UPS fucked me over though and it won't be here until tomorrow. It was sitting for days and I finally got a hold of someone there and they found it never went out. So they have overnighted a new knife to me. 

I have to pay bills today and this is a BAD pay period. Medical bills. Household bills. It's bad. I may need to move a couple of things to next pay period. It's just a lot of little shit all at once - snow removal contract, my ear, insurance, all hitting. I fucking hate our pay cycles. Requires so much planning. Let's see what I can do.

Last day with this group thankfully. I am so done with them. But oh boy, I get to do two more weeks just like this one! And that's after a random week next week. Next week is 3:30 some days, 6:30 others, 5 one more. Oh that will be fun.

Y13 D155

I have never felt such frustration 

Or lack of self control 

I want you to kill me 

And dig me under  

I want to live no more 

One who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be 

I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me 

For me

and happy anniversary to us. whoop dee doo.

Y13 D154

Whatever. That's all I am feeling today. Just whatever. Sums up the entire mantra of my generation, doesn't it? Apathy is my friend. I'm tired of everything. Now I lay me down to sleep. The corporate world got my soul cheap. I'm already dead inside so need to wake. Trust me, there's nothing left to take.

Yeah. 

Y13 D153

Look, I know I haven't been saying much lately. I just haven't felt like talking. I am in a funk. I am tired of dealing with the same shit (literally) every day right now. Every morning it's the same thing - clean up piss and shit from the cats that can't hit the litter box, kill three hours until I can even think about getting ready for class, lose my entire fucking day teaching to a bunch of people who don't want to be there for 9 hours, be too exhausted to eat afterwards but know I have to, get indigestion from eating too late, go to bed. That literally is my life right now and will stay that way for three fucking weeks straight. My voice hurts, my head hurts, and I'm done. I am so tired it's not even funny. I get a break in December but dear god I don't think I can make it that long. I am frustrated with finances, with people, with everything. Add to that my therapist is out of town and I don't get an appointment this week. So good times to be had all across the board.

And on top of everything else, Gunther is dead. Fuck this planet in general.

Y13 D152

And so begins a very shitty week for many reasons. The only positive to this week is that our anniversary is Thursday. 7 years. Go us. Whee. Otherwise, there is literally nothing that will make me happy this week. 5 days. 11-7. Bills. Stress. So much stress.

Y13 D151

Welcome to Sunday. Whee. The last day I get before I have to talk for five days straight. I am not looking forward to next week at all.

Did household projects. Took care of the cat room. Mounted a driveway notification device. Made dinner. Did laundry. Cleaned the rugs. Went out for ice cream. Went to bed.

Y13 D150

 Hello. Welcome to Saturday. Some time in October. 2021. SO many words there that are just WTF. 2021. October?? Almost November. Almost end of year. Insane.

Had a quiet day. Went to therapy. Started a roast for tonight's dinner. Cleaned up around the house. Did fish stuff. Had Chinese food. That's about it.

No real plans for the weekend. Friend coming over to have dinner tonight. Installing a driveway alarm system. It makes B feel safer so whatever. That's about it. Not much else planned.

Y13 D149

Went to my group last night. Very good. A good mix of people. There were 7 of us total, one was there as support for one of the other, so really six of us. With the exception of one person, everyone contributed and was able to participate. I think the last person was just having anxiety or nerves because while they said a few things, they didn't really get into it like some of us did. But hey, it's all good. One thing that came up for all of us was the whole being out of the house and in a room full of people. We've forgotten how to socialize. We have anxiety from being isolated. From that perspective, I think we all got something out of being in that room.

During the day I didn't do much. I have 5 full days of teaching next week, all until 7:00 so fuck it. I am not going to push myself. I will be drained from next week and I need to make sure I am ready to go. 

Cleaned in the basement a bit. I was looking for my winter boots. I am still three years later getting used to the whole concept of winter and summer clothes to be honest. But I ended up moving some boxes and just general cleaning up of that area while digging around. I did find the boots at least. 

Had leftover apricot chicken, watched some tv, went to bed.

Y13 D148

I had a dead class yesterday. Fucking sucked. I put so much energy into it trying to get them going that I was completely trashed mentally when it was over. I had two students who were engaged and the rest just sat there like lumps. What a drain. 

Made gnocchi for dinner. Helped B with some shit. Tank stuff, cat stuff. Watched tv. Collapsed in bed. Going to a new group meeting tonight. Looking forward to that at least. 

Y13 D147

 Wednesday. I think. I don't know anymore. Things blur. Taught all day. Dealt with some bullshit with work. Made apricot chicken with sweet pea rissotto at 7:45pm. Went to bed right after eating. FML.

Y13 D146

Much going on yesterday. Important news, B is doing well. We went in for her check in and review yesterday and the doctor said everything is doing good. No issues. Still have to wait for some things but it's all good. That's what we wanted to hear.

My schedule got changed, again. In order to "keep me active" I am now doing a series of internal classes over the next few weeks. As of right now I have 10 days between now and end of year where I'm not teaching. Gosh it's like this happens every year or something and golly, no one listens to me. What a shocker.

The big fun of yesterday was I had no email until around 1pm. Email died on me sometime Friday night. Turns out our licenses for outlook didn't properly renew and a bunch of us were stuck without any way of communicating that we couldn't communicate. Cool. I had like 7 dump in three seconds when it came back online. Luckily nothing important was missed. Oh except how my schedule changed. But to be fair, I had expected that. It just means more nights of working until 6:30pm. Fun.

Had tacos for dinner. Did some last minute yard cleaning to put in bags for trash day today. Went to Target after to pick up a prescription for B. I got a new sweater. A nice cozy, I will live in this for the next month, kind of sweater. Very happy with my purchase. 

Today is session 2 for one group. 11:30 - 7:30. Joy. But at least tomorrow is a 9-1. One of the few "slow" days I get. Grateful for that shit.

Y13 D145

I typically open my work email on Sunday to double check my calendar for the week. My exchange folder seems to have been deleted. Hmm. That's not good. I tried to do some troubleshooting on my end to see if it was me and nope. I apparently have no mail account. Um. I checked all other works apps and I still have access to our VMs, admin rights on sharepoint, teams, etc. So don't know what the fuck is going on. I really hope I haven't missed anything important. Not getting a bounceback if I send to that address so I exist in the system, I just don't have a mailbox. Welcome to a new week.

Didn't do anything as planned. Played like 6 hours of video games. Helped B with a couple of around the house projects including water changes. Manicure done. Did some cleaning. Made chicken casserole for dinner. Watched some tv. A good way to relax and end the weekend. 

Have one late night this week and one normal class. The quiet before the storm. Speaking of storms, it's getting cold here finally. I don't think the house got over 65 yesterday. B had a blanket around her all day and I wore pants. Winter is approaching. Yay! Now to get this mail issue resolved. Taking B to the doc at 10:50am for a check in. Hopefully everything will be okay.

Y13 D144

I woke up this morning and it was so dark in the bedroom I figured it was like 3, maybe 4am. No no, it was 6:50. WTF? Ah, winter must be starting to approach. Changing of the seasons and the clock and all that. Darker earlier stuff. I'm okay with it for sure. Give me the darkness. 

Let's see, the day started with me going to my hair appointment. Nothing too exciting happened there. Got things situated to last for 27 days. Came back, helped B with some tank stuff, then we put up some new house numbers that came. Our old ones were mounted in a way that you couldn't quite read them from the street. The tree and porch light both blocked them. We ordered some new horseshoe ones that are larger and can easily be seen. Around 4 we headed over to our friend's house. We had Mediterranean for dinner, hung out, and watched a movie. Left there around 10pm. Came out, discovered USPS stole mail from us, and went to bed.

Wait, what? Yeah, a package we got was sliced open and the contents removed. I know it was USPS because I literally grabbed the mail 30 seconds after the truck pulled away. There was no question. It was also "delayed" at one location for a day. Hmm. They didn't even bother to try and re-tape it either. It was a pair of earrings for me for our anniversary. Fuckers. I fucking hate people like that around here. I am tired of this shit. 

No plans for today thankfully.

Y13 D143

Yesterday morning I was non-stop from 4:15 until 10am. Grocery store, bills, cats, therapy. I did more in that six hour period than some people probably did all day. It was a weird week, wasn't it? Everyone I have spoken with has said the same thing. It was just off for some reason. Well, let's put it behind us and move on, shall we?

The grocery store fucking sucked. Prices have definitely increased and shelf quantities decreased. I wasn't able to get everything I needed but came pretty darn close. I would say I spent an extra 15-20% on groceries this week. Plus the produce was looking horrible. It reminded me of that scene from the Americans when Martha has been shipped off to Russia and is buying produce and she has one nasty looking beet to choose from. Not quite that bad but felt it.

Had a good therapy session. Mostly vented this week but was much needed. Came back home, did some work, ate lunch. B made peppers for dinner. Watched some TV, played some games, went to bed. 

Today I have a hair appointment then we're going to a friend's house to help him move his bed. That's the only solid plans for the weekend. Go us.

Y13 D142

I watched a movie last night. Kind of old - 12 years - but it was still interesting. The Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais. Very interesting concept. Basically no one could lie. Not because they were stopped from doing it, but because no one knew how. It wasn't a thing. Their brains just didn't know how to lie. The one thing I thought was off though was the lack of filters. Just because you can't lie doesn't mean you have to volunteer information. Regardless, the premise was interesting. What I found most notable was when the main character does tell the first lie, it directly contradicts information displayed on a screen to someone else. But unlike our world where people love to say "but the computer says this and it's not wrong", they trust the HUMAN to be right and assume the machine made the mistake. Imagine how different the world would be if that was the norm. More trust in people and less in machines. Interesting, eh?

Spent the majority of the day updating materials. Did a webinar for 200 people. Made seafood crepes for dinner. 

Today is groceries, bills, therapy, docs, done. Let the shit show begin.

Y13 D141

I'm very tired this morning. I slept soundly and well, but not enough. I didn't go to bed until almost 11 because I didn't finish work until 8pm again. I was actually hungry this time and ate which caused me to not be tired. Ended up finishing all of Brooklyn 99 that I still had left to watch. The last season fell very flat in my opinion. But I've watched it and can put that show in archive.

Nothing else exciting going on. Today I have a huge webinar with hundreds of people. Joy.

Y13 D140

 How in the heck did it get to be the middle of October already? Seriously. It's almost 2022. How wild is that? Kids born in 2000 can drink. What?? I mean really. It's just wild. 

Fucking great. Trying to start up a VM for today's class while typing this and getting failures. Fuck. Hold on.

Well this is just lovely. I have a class at 11:30 and can't get a machine started. Good times. Back to yesterday...

Taught all day just as I will today. Good group but had to have a post training recap with the organizer. That took until after 8pm. I didn't finish until almost 8:15. Had a PB&J, caught up on all the other emails I ignored during the day, and went to bed. 

Rinse and repeat today.

Y13 D139

Don't you just love when someone sends you an email but in the email tells you that you can disregard said email? WTF? Why did you even send it to me then if it wasn't worth me reading? Are you just dumb? Are you covering your own ass? Why? Why was energy expended on sending something you can tell me to disregard? Whatever.

Worked on docs as one does. I have two days only this week of 11:30 - 7:30. Today and tomorrow. It was supposed to be three but marketing won in the fight against sales. See, the salesperson booked me to teach on a day that already had a webinar assigned. Said webinar has nearly 500 people signed up for it already. Oh yeah, it's a big one. If it had a 100 or so, then marketing would have moved it. But this one is big. Hence, marketing told sales, you need to move the training. It took a few days, but sales got the class moved out. Not going to complain because again, now I only have 2 days of late nights instead of three. Next week one late night, but then the week of the 25th, I have ALL FIVE DAYS until 6:30 one night and 7:30 the other four. Fuck that.

Had leftovers for dinner. B got a new tattoo but was done in an hour. Pretty amazing how fast they got done. It looks good too. It's to commemorate surgery. A lasting reminder.

We watched some tv, played some video games, and went to bed. Same shit, different day. I recently had a talk with my sister about some stuff and pointed out to her that while all my news may seem exciting, the truth is, every day is just another day. There's still bills to pay and planes to catch. That damn cat's still in the cradle with a silver spoon. We just have to plod along and hope we get somewhere in the end.

Y13 D138

Sometimes I miss Disneyland. Or at least the Disneyland in my mind. I miss walking around the park pin trading. I miss the park on weekdays in February when it was empty, a little wet, and just a nice place to be. Oh well.

We did some physical stuff yesterday. We move that treadmill B got from the garage to the basement. That was an adventure. Only had to remove 3 pieces to fit it down the stairs. Now, let's see if they use it.

Played video games together. That was fun. Ordered Happy' s for dinner. Have leftovers for tonight.

Three days this week 11:30 - 7:30. Monday and Friday are not so bad. I should be grateful for that I guess. 

Y13 D137

I honestly don't know how people my age handle having multiple small children on a daily basis. Just having B's sister for two days drained me to no end. Also this child has been raised differently than how I raised my kid and since it's not my kid, I can't do anything about that. Regardless, she just had so much energy and it was exhausting. I was up around 8, she got up shortly thereafter. I made her pancakes for breakfast which she devoured. This of course just gave her more energy. Sigh. I should have given her lumpy oatmeal. We took her to the cider mill. Once again, the reality did not live up to the expectation. This is the third(?) year in a row where B tells me how much fun it is going to be and no one has fun. Too many people, too much mud, too hot, too crowded. Just ugh.

After the cider mill we took the kid for lunch, then dropped her at her grandmother's. We got back home around 2 and both of us were like nap time please. I slept for about an hour, B for more. Neither of us wanted dinner so we picked on whatever. Around 7 I was getting fidgety and decided to take a ride to Target. B wanted to focus on a blanket she is making. Perfect. I needed some alone down time anyway.

Went to target, meandered around. Picked up a few small things for the house like a new basket for the bathroom junk. Got home, redid said bathroom junk, watched a little tv with B, played some video games, and went to bed around midnight.

Today there are no immediate plans. Good.

Y13 D136

 It's the weekend and I slept in! Woo! Wow. It's 8am already. I guess I needed some sleep, eh? We were up until about 11 but still. I went to therapy and we started getting into some new stuff. Including what makes me feel "stuck" or "trapped". I surprised even myself with how quickly I was able to answer that question. We're going to be moving into issues of childhood trauma next. This should be fun. 

Afterwards I worked on work stuff. Prepped for an afternoon webinar, delivered said webinar, shut off work. Not in the mood for those people right now.

B sister (the youngest one only) spent the night. We thought we'd let each girl come by themselves to give them a break too. We had dinner, did crafts, played video games, made stove top popcorn, and she even helped feed the axies. Good job! It was a nice night.

Today we're doing the fall thing and going to a cider mill. Then dropping the kid off and unknown from there. Just no thinking about stupid work.

Y13 D135

It was pointed out to me yesterday that compared to my coworker I am considered "less flexible" by the sales team. Well go suck my left nut. Because I won't bend over backwards, move my schedule around, or work every fucking night until 8pm, I'm not flexible? Fuck right off. From here on out, I will be the good little employee and just make it to the end of the year. All I can do.

To that end, I wrote another webinar yesterday. Dealt with salespeople bullshit. 

Our friend came over to hang out and we took a ride to Walmart for B to get some clearance switch games. Basically all game shows. We had breakfast for dinner which was really good. Omelets, pancakes, bacon, english muffins. Quite tasty. 

Went to bed. I have to deliver a webinar today. Gosh golly, I will be on my bestest behavior so as not to offend anyone's delicate senses. 

B's sister is staying the night. This is going to be an exhausting night for sure.

Y13 D134

 I took it easy yesterday. After so many days of late nights I needed a break. I worked on docs and got some stuff prepped for the next few weeks. I also set marketing against sales, bwahaha. Seems that the sales guy put training on a day where I was supposed to have a webinar. Whoops. Especially since I have 250+ people signed up for that webinar. Big whoops. Hey not my battle. I just point shit out. Let them fight over it. I can't do both, sorry. I can either teach from 11:30 - 7:30 or do a webinar from 1:30 - 3:00. Your choice people.

We had massive amounts of leftovers for dinner last night. We really needed to clean the fridge out and we went at it. Hodge podge dinner, but the fridge looks better. Took a ride to JoAnn Fabrics to pick up a small cart for my office. Surfaces are getting too cluttered. I needed some storage space. Looks much better now in here.

Sent my sister a present as well as supported her Etsy shop. She's having a rough time again physically and I want to be there for her as much as she is for me. I also sent my niece a wedding present. She gets married in about a month and since we can't be there, I wanted her to have something nice from us.

Watched some tv, cleaned the kitchen, fed axies, and finally hung up our new artwork. As you come in our house now Alien Jesus greets you. Perfection.

More docs today. Writing a second webinar up and putting the demos together for next week's webinar. Slow day number 2.

Y13 D133

 Yesterday was rough. The group was good, the material worked out well, but it was a long day. Too long. By the time I wrapped up it was almost 8pm. I did some looking yesterday and out of 45 days, I am working 25 of those until 6:30 - 7:30 at night. I sent my sales people a message saying no more late nights on my calendar. It's too much. We need to come up with alternate solutions. Things like early starts, half days, anything. I can't do more than 50% late nights. It's really eating into my life. Let's see if they respond.

As such, I didn't really do anything else yesterday. From 10:30 until 8pm, it was work related so not a whole lot to share here. I fed the cats, spent a little time with B, had carnitas for dinner, and that was about that. Next thing you know, it's bed time. I get a break the rest of the week. Next week is more long nights but at least for now I get a respite.

Y13 D132

Yesterday started out okay but finished on a shit note. I got up early to work on the client docs and managed to have them all done and ready by 10am. I sent them over to the client and heard nothing. No big deal since they are 3 hours behind me. Later in the day I was checking my mail and saw a junk mail - it's the fucking bounce back that I was watching for. Fucking outlook. I am sick and tired of these apps telling me what's junk and what's not. Especially ones like outlook that suck at it. At 6pm I ended up spending three hours working with other people to try and get all these files loaded into our litmos system. I didn't finish until 9 and I was just pissed off. Add to that open enrollment starts today and so we got this year's rate sheets. Oh look, I have shit to choose from again. I asked my boss for a check for $5000 to allow me to get private insurance this year. Doubt anything will come from it, but I asked. 

My back is killing me this morning. I have to teach from 11:30 - 7:30. I am cramming four days of material into two. Fuck my life.

Y13 D131

Welcome to a brand new week. Looks about the same as last week. Smells the same too. Stinky and musty. 

Did I do anything yesterday? Hmm. Not really. Made coconut chicken for dinner. Did water changes on the tanks. Seriously, what the hell did I do yesterday? I'm honestly trying to remember. Didn't nap. What the fuck did I do? Made mini pancakes for the week for B. Played animal crossing. Wow. My day was so uneventful I can't even remember what the hell I did. I am not sure if that's sad or not. It wasn't a bad day, I know that. Oh, I did a lot of laundry, I remember that. Yep. That's about it.

This week is weird. Today I have to cram through creating some material. Need it done by noon so a client will shut the fuck up. Then tomorrow I teach said client from 11:30 - 7:30. Then on Friday I have a webinar. In between who knows.

Dammit. This is bugging me. Not that I expect perfect recall of the day, but it was so boring I really can't recall anything significant? Wow. Look at me go.

Y13 D130

YAS! SLEEPED IN! WOO!

I woke up at 6:15 and said nope. I knew I would sleep for another 90 minutes if I did that but don't care. I needed the sleeping. So here it is 8:10am and I am doing alright. Go me.

We did the spoopy decorations yesterday. Pulled everything out from the basement and spooped up the house. The ironic thing is that to do that we had to also clean up the house. Win win. I went to the vape shop and the pet store yesterday. Otherwise, no house leaving. We watched some tv together, I made my ribs, and we had a good Saturday. I even did my stupid timesheet instead of waiting. Someone will be happy somewhere for that. We cleaned up all of B's flowers too finally. We now have so many vases. 

No plans for today either. It's raining outside so don't see us doing much. Not complaining.

Y13 D129

 Spoopy 2 the Return of Spoopy! Woooo.

I went to the store yesterday morning and I got some spoopy items to start decorating. Will be doing more of that today. 

Another busy ass day. Store in the morning, therapy afterwards, then your friends and mine until 7pm. Then feeds, cat feeding, and finally at around 8:30 I got to eat and sit down. Believe me, when I hit the bed around 11, I was out in an instant.

Doing 12 hour ribs today. Heating my water right now. No other plans on the horizon.

Y13 D128

No time to dawdle this morning. Need to shower, pay bills, go to the grocery store, go to therapy, start class. I have a busy morning before a long day. What a great way to spend Friday.

Happy Spoopy 1st y'all.

I am finally starting to feel better. Only because after class last night I hauled ass to the urgent care. They close at 8 and stop accepting patients shortly there before. I got there around 7:10, waited, and got in about 7:20. They drained like a pound of ear wax from my right ear and oh what a surprise, sent me on my way with a scrip for antibiotic ear drops. Went to the CVS next door which was PACKED and $120 later, got my tiny vial of relief. Finally got home around 9. Fed the stupid cat, and shoved some leftover gnocchi in my face. Collapsed at 10pm. But at least I can fucking hear.

My sister is also doing better. Multiple shots to the head. What a pair we are. 

Watched Free Guy yesterday. It was okay. Second half of the movie was better than the first for me. It's worth watching. 

Okay last day with this group. Tonight I have to do feeds, start ribs, and just in general try to relax. Yeah. Good luck with that.