ANA Y2 D65

Tried to go out and find a decent croissant yesterday. I hate this area. I just wanted a croissant. Went to three different bakeries and couldn't find one. The worst part is I had to drive everywhere. I couldn't just walk downtown and come back. Nope. I had to fucking drive with all these idiots all over multiple towns just to come home empty handed. Bleh.

Didn't do much else. Played video games. Did some yardwork. Made dinner. Watched TV. So begins another week. Soon I will be leaving for my first onsite in 3 years. God help me.

ANA Y2 D64

My head hurts, I slept like shit, and I am cranky. I hate AC. I hate it with a passion. I can't sleep with it on. I can't breathe. I was up and down all night.

Spent most of the day in the kitchen. Made shortbread bars, made dinner, cleaned up after all that. Multiple friends came over. One to get cans, one to get shortbread, one to have dinner. We had a social day and it was draining as fuck. I need to be quiet today.

ANA Y2 D63

Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions. Went to the store in the morning because we hated the mouthwash we got recently and I couldn't go another day with it. I know that's dumb but dental health is a priority in 2023 and I want to keep it up. Got back home and worked until about 2. Then I started a roast for dinner tonight. All fine and dandy, no issues. Then B messaged me. Uh oh, what now?? SHE HAD A JOB INTERVIEW! On Tuesday and in-person and it is sounding pretty solid! It's an accounts payable job at an RV center. An actual job in their actual field that I paid for them to study! My investment is paying off. Yeah, small victory I know. But one that I will take. Hopefully if they get this and start immediately, in a month or two they will take over their bills, we file for divorce, and before the end of the year, it's all done. I go into 2024 single and only responsible for myself. Please sacrifice any chickens, goats, or babies you might have on hand to make this a reality. I also started ripping out ceiling tiles in the basement because the fly situation is getting worse. I was covered in ceiling shit and had to clean myself up.

We had a friend call and ask if they could come over as they didn't want to be sitting at home alone. Of course. But then we had to scramble to straighten up. That was one of the plans for today and well, at least that's done. Of course as I said, I also had to clean me up. Fun. At the same time, our other friend who is coming over tonight, confirmed that he is probably out of a job come monday morning. What the hell people? Well our first friend comes over and I make us meatball sandwiches for dinner. Leftover girl champion thank you very much. While cooking though I discover ANTS. Yay. So much fun. Woo. I take care of that, while cooking mind you, and we somehow go through two bottles of wine. We sit, we chat, we have a nice night.

Wrapped up around 10, went to bed. Let's see how today goes.

ANA Y2 D62

GOOD MORNING TRI STATE AREA!! WOO!

Yeah, I'm feeling good today. No particular reason. Just happy to be alive and functional. Nothing wrong with that, is there? Seriously. Nothing exciting happened. Nothing has changed. But you know what? I'm okay. I will survive because I have to survive. I don't have any other choice. I will get through the hard times and come out the other side. I must. It's not an option. 

Worked all day. Made pasta and meatballs for dinner. Went grocery shopping around 8pm so I didn't have to go this morning. Stopped for Dairy Queen. Watched some tv. Went to bed. Today I have an afternoon session, have to get a roast in the oven at 3pm. Have three days of teaching next week then I need to prep for my onsite trip. Very nervous about that but it is what it is. I will survive that too. Because it's what I do people.

ANA Y2 D61

A happy birthday to X2. Yeah, I still remember. I hope they are doing well.

Another day killer for me. Worked until almost 7, made burgers for dinner, watched tv, had some naked time fun. Went to bed. Not much else going on. I haven't left the house in 5 days but I also haven't spent any money. Happy about that part of things. Trying my best over here. Doing what I can do.

Today I teach from 10-5. Whee.

ANA Y2 D60

Day killer. That's what they call the hours I work this week at C's work. You must have pissed someone off, you got the day killer shift. They are 100% on the money with that. 11 to fucking 7 yesterday, same today. What did I do yesterday? Nothing. Taught until it was time to cook dinner, ate, watched tv, went to bed. Not much else to do when you're working the day killer shift. C is off today and I am letting her sleep as late as she wants. She earned it. There's a big difference between a partner who's worked hard and is relaxing versus a partner who does nothing and yet still can't get out of bed before 1pm. Hmm. Interesting. 

ANA Y2 D59

It's amazing how much lighter I feel with the news that stupidhead is finally moving forward. The light at the end of the tunnel is growing larger and it just might not be a train after all. It might be the way out. Also it took a full goddamn week but I think the cat is showing signs of turning around as well. Her appetite is back, she is being vocal again, and so far, so far, there haven't been any blood pee pools. So who knows, is it possible I once again survived?

We've been watching fringe and we're on season 4 where the two universes have pretty much come together. It makes you think about the choices you've made and how you might be different based on just one little thing. What if I hadn't married X1? What if I had transitioned sooner? You can't play what if without getting frustrated, but it does make you ponder.

C worked from 6-12 yesterday and today, I did busy work yesterday but teach 11 to fucking 7 today. Whee. Horrible time slot. I fucking hate it. Tomorrow is the same. Then 10-6 on Thursday. Fuck this week. Not for any other reason than that. I am two weeks away from going to WI. Very nervous about it but also excited because I can be back on the road.

Time to get ready. Only 5 1/2 hours until class starts.

ANA Y2 D58

Ladies and gentleman, a fucking miracle has happened. B has finished fucking school, got their certification, and has started applying for jobs. PLUS they are going to start doordashing to bring in money until they get something in bookkeeping. I am awake, right? Pretty sure I am awake. Maybe this is the part of my coma where things level out. We shall fucking see.

I took most of a day off yesterday. C did as much as she could without my intervention. It was more than I could have asked for to be honest. She made me breakfast, did the dishes, took care of shit. The only thing I really I had to do was help her with dinner. She mad spinach gnocchi soup and struggled with the pasta a bit. I helped out and made sure the pasta got in the soup. She was getting very frustrated. I didn't want her to think I was taking over because I was proud of her for even trying something she'd never done before. The soup turned out wonderful. I liked it. I know she had a rough time of it, but I still think she did great.

Teach multiple days this week shitty times, C has to work and is getting ready now. Let another week of this shit commence. Woo.

ANA Y2 D57

Want to know what I learned yesterday? People sure are fucking nosey, judgmental, and fast to assumption. Here's a little reminder for you all, social media only tells part of the fucking story. Mind your own goddamn business. 

Yes, I did go to the hair salon yesterday. But guess what??I didn't fucking pay for it. Yes, I am broke beyond belief but what you don't know is that my stylist and I worked out a fucking barter deal. So go fuck yourselves. Oh and the food I am making? That's me thanking past me for having the hindsight to fill the freezer when she could to make sure that present me has fucking food in the house. I went shopping Friday at goddamn Walmart and spent $50 on 10 days worth of sides and veggies. $50. That's what I allowed our budget for almost two weeks of food. Oh and my gf works at a goddamn grocery store now and we get a discount on food. So again, mind your own fucking business. 

Went to the salon, visited C at work, cleaned the house, did laundry, changed the sheets, played pokemon, made fajitas for dinner, made crepes for dessert, watched tv, went to bed. Nothing on the agenda for today except we plan on making gnocchi soup. With potatoes. Potatoes that cost next to nothing. Is that okay with some people??

ANA Y2 D56

I don't really have anything to say.

Worked.

Ate.

Went to bed.

ANA Y2 D55

Nothing gets better. C's dad had another fucking heart attack. She had to drive 2 hours by herself to be there. She left at like 9:30am and didn't get home until 9pm. She's missing work today because they don't know if he will make it through the next surgery. He goes in for surgery this morning. I have to teach again. I just paid bills and have zero dollars left. But everyone got their pound of flesh. 

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE.

ANA Y2 D54

Yesterday was REALLY bad. After doing some of my morning stuff I got an email from Wells. Turns out I forgot about an auto pay that came out and took my account negative. Yep. For the first time in over 10 years, I am overdrawn. By $200. I am fucked. All I've wanted to do for the last 24 hours is put a shotgun in my face and end this nightmare. This is my life now and it is not good.

ANA Y2 D53

Yesterday was a much calmer day. Nothing exciting to report. C had to work at 6 again so I was up with her at 4. I went back to sleep for a little while, but was still tired. Spent the day working on presentations, emails, and the like. Made tacos for dinner because it was Tuesday. Yeah, sue me. We watched TV, played games, went to bed. Hopefully tonight we won't be as tired and will have a little fun. Have two meetings today but otherwise nothing crazy.

ANA Y2 D52

Yesterday was fucked up. Plain and simple. We got up at 4 and Marble was peeing blood everywhere. I was stressed the fuck out. C had to be at work at 6am and couldn't do much to help me as she needed to get to work. I was on my own. I bundled her up at 8 and took her to the new office of her old vet. Well, the new vet's office was rude as fuck and Dr S who I needed to see wasn't in and wouldn't be able to see her until Wednesday. They kept trying to push me to go to emergency. No. I am not paying $500 just to walk in the door. I managed to get her in at the old vet with a new doctor, whom I hated, at 11am. Until then I had to deal with her screaming and bein in pain. I still ended up spending $500 to find out she has a fucking UTI and needed antibiotics. Now I have to dose a fucking cat twice a day. I am about to give her a morning dose at 5:15. What fun my life is. 

Made tilapia for dinner, watched some tv, relaxed. We were both too exhausted to try and go for a walk last night which bugged us both. We've also been too tired for sex which sucks. We both want to but just don't have the energy. Well, it took almost a year, but NRE has started to fade I guess. Oh well. Don't get me wrong - four or five times a month is still light years away from what happened to me and B, but it's no longer 8-10 times a month. That's life. As long as we continue to communicate and share, I'm okay. Not making that mistake again.

C has to work again today at 6. I am up with her today out of solidarity than anything else. I may go back to bed for an hour or two after she leaves. I have presentations to work on today so I can afford a little nap.

ANA Y2 D51

 We are up extremely early this morning because C has to be at work by 6am. I like her on this schedule because she will be home by 2:45 but it also sucks for both of us to be up so early. We went to bed literally at 9pm last night while it was still light outside. She does this schedule three days this week working in the bakery. Sigh. It's all good. It's all for the bigger good, right?

We - sorry I was gone for like 30 minutes dealing with a cat. Marble is fading. Fast. She is pissing blood, confused, and not doing well in general. I am going to try and take her in today. Don't know how I will afford it, but I will somehow. Sell a kidney if I have to.

We did shit yesterday. Went for a walk, went to the store. God I don't have the energy to write now after dealing with that cat. More tomorrow.

ANA Y2 D50

Welcome to Sunday. We went grocery shopping, then back because the stupid pharmacy doesn't open until 10am. Played games because it was pouring rain for the majority of the day. Had salmon burgers for dinner. Went for a walk around 10:30pm because it was still nice out and finally stopped raining. It was a very calm and boring day. We made cherry jam together. Don't know how it tastes, but we will find out this morning. Today we're doing very little as well. C has to be at work at 6am tomorrow which means no late night tonight. Bed by 9am for her. Need to do laundry but that's about the only concrete plan.

ANA Y2 D49

C got her new schedule. She will be working 32 hours next week and three of those days are 6:30 - 2:30. What I would consider a normal time. We won't lose our nights together. The fourth day is a Saturday and it's 10-6 so that will suck but it's okay. I can use the time to do things around the house. A little me time if you will. Regardless she will be bringing in money and that will relax things a lot in this house. One problem down, one fucking cunt to go. I am bitter right now, yes. Why? Because they went to the state fair with A and posted these pics and my issue is the erasure of the last 10 years. From the outside it looks like they spent the last decade being locked up or something when in reality they wouldn't be where they are if it wasn't for me. Frankly they'd probably be dead. But now they're all magically healed and out there living it up. on my dime of course. Enough. I won't spend my time being bitter. I have more important things to do.

Taught, made dinner, played games, went to bed. See, I have such more important things to do.

ANA Y2 D48

Yesterday was busy as hell. I didn't go to bed until after 11pm and here it is just after 5. I am tired, yet I don't get a break today either. I have therapy in two hours then a 9:30 - 5:30 class. I swear I am sleeping in tomorrow come hell or highwater.

The day started with my final dental appointment for the year. I now have my first appointment of 2024 on my calendar because that's when I go back. Thank goodness. The upside is that my teeth should be good for another 20 years with proper maintenance. That makes me happy. From there I had a doctor appointment. Went over bloodwork. Everything looks good. We're going to be adding an additional estradiol tablet to see about helping some things move faster. We will be doing it one week on, three weeks off. Essentially a reverse menstrual cycle. It's to mess with my estrogen levels and get certain things engaged. We're going to test that for three months and see what happens. Other than that all of my other vitals are good. I do not have the body or the test results of someone my chronological age. Go me.

When that was done I then had to co-host a webinar from IBM. That was exhausting. Almost 200 people showed up and I had to coordinate and facilitate everything. Got through that to go to another meeting with one of my clients until 5:30. C was at work by that point and when all of that was finished I made dinner. Made black cherry pork chops using the cherries we picked. By the time she got home and dinner was complete and dishes were all done, it was 9:15pm. We then tried to play some video games but both of us were too tired. We collapsed in bed a little after 11pm and sat there talking for a while. She's tired too not having worked like this in a while. She will find out her schedule today hopefully. Give us some idea of how next week will look.

Okay, let's get this day over with so I can enjoy a weekend.

ANA Y2 D47

Much better day teaching yesterday. Different group, different class materials. I thought I was doing the same materials but that's next thursday and friday. I am doing two different educational clients right now at the same time and blurring them in my head. Same tool, multiple groups. So I am getting confused on who I am teaching. This client is much better. Still a long day, but easier to get through. Finished around 5. 

C had her first day of work and worked from 12-7. In one day she's earned more money than B has in the last six months. Go figure. She works again today from 2-7. It sucks for dinner, but we are both willing to suck it up as just necessary evil right now. Do what you got to do.

Made red snapper for dinner. I was really happy with it. Watched some tv, went to bed. Today is my final dental appointment. Thank god. Then a doctor appointment. Then a webinar. It's going to be a busy day.

ANA Y2 D46

Yesterday wasn't any better. Same group, same issues. The best part is I teach the exact same class to a different group of people today and Friday. So now I get to repeat everything I said for the last two days to a new group of people. I hate that. Whatever. Taught until 6:45pm, made dinner, watched TV, went to bed.

In positive news, at least one of the women in my life is moving forward. C starts her new job officially today. It's just orientation, but it's work and it's money coming in. Bless her. Now to get B off her ass. Ha. Snow in July is more likely.

ANA Y2 D45

Yesterday sucked ass. My group is horrible. I had one person who didn't know how to use a computer who went and whined to their boss and said I was a bad instructor which caused a shit storm of tension. Then another who was always behind and slow. Ironically both of them named Karen. Yep. I kid you not. I didn't finish until 6:40pm, then had to make dinner, do dishes, take out the garbage, and a million other things. I fucking hate these late shifts. 

In positive news, C got her new hire paperwork, does orientation tomorrow, and starts training on Thursday. More money coming into this house. Thank fucking god. 

Today is going to be more of the same and I just have to deal with it. Whee.

ANA Y2 D44

I didn't like being back here yesterday. It's as if something in me flipped. The people, the area, the cars - all of it annoyed the absolute living fuck out of me. We had to go get groceries and pet supplies yesterday and I was just so annoyed all day. Construction on every street, old people who can't drive, old people in the store, annoying people everywhere. I didn't feel this once when we were in Traverse. It's this fucking area. It drives me nuts. I do not like it here. Period. I am realizing this is the fucking problem. I don't dislike MI per se, I hate this area. I hate the people in this area. I hate the stores and restaurants. I hate the layout. I hate this particular part of MI. This has to be resolved.

I also had a "discussion" with stupidhead last night. I laid it out that they need to get their shit together NOW. I am done. I am done with the status quo. That helped me mentally a bit. I finally got some things off my chest. Let's see if it does any good. I doubt it but we shall see.

Made salmon for dinner. Watched tv, did laundry, played video games. I teach 4 out of 5 days this week, have a dentist appointment, a doctor appointment, and a webinar on the remaining day.

ANA Y2 D43

We decided to come home last night and it was a good decision. We left around 6pm and got home a little after 9:30. No traffic on the roads, no bad weather, no getting frustrated. We got everything unpacked, got laundry going, and snuggled our kitties. We got to sleep in our own bed with our own pillows. We went to bed around midnight and I just woke up. Very good decision indeed.

Yesterday we had another solid day. We started by going to one of C's favorite dairies and having ice cream for breakfast. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but one of the reasons C was excited to go is this is where she spent a lot of her childhood. She has family who live there and she would spend summers with them when she was 12-14. All weekend it was like me in the bay area. She was pointing things out, showing me what was new, what had changed, etc. She had very fond memories of going to this dairy farm and ice cream shop and I wanted to make sure we did it. Totally worth it. After we headed back up the peninsula and went to one of the wineries recommended to us. Fantastic time there. We stopped at an antique store on the way back down, then ended up downtown for Vietnamese food. Back to the hotel where we relaxed, packed, and got ready to go.

Things to do around the house today but nothing major. We cleaned before we left thankfully. Just laundry, some dishes, and kitty stuff. Have to go get litter and a couple other things at the store. Otherwise, we can relax today. I teach four days next week plus a webinar on the fifth day. It's going to be busy.

ANA Y2 D42

I needed yesterday. There's no other way to say that. I NEEDED it. I needed a day where it finally felt about me. I have spent so much time in the last few months worrying about everybody and everything else that I have taken a back seat. I felt I had no choice. Between bills piling up, C's leg, B's just general bullshit, animals, work, and everything else I faded. My priorities, my needs, they all vanished. Well yesterday I got to pretend for one day that I was the only one who mattered. I fucking needed it.

I had the most incredible day. We went to a lavender farm where we picked our own lavender bunches and picked 2.5 quarts of our own cherries. It was magical there. We then stopped at a gorgeous winery where we had a tasting while sitting on a veranda overlooking the lake and the vineyards. From there we headed back into town to make sure our dinner was still on (they had to close for a couple of days due to an emergency). Well not only were they all good, we got to meet the chef/owner. We had a lovely conversation with him and he promised to make us a list of places we needed to visit while in town. After that, we went across the street to the food truck pavilion. We had an awesome BBQ lunch. We went back to the hotel and took a brief nap. Then it was time for dinner.

I haven't had a dinner like this since 2018. First off, it's in an actual house. They do two seatings a night. One at 5/5:30 and then 8/8:30. We got there at 5:18 and didn't leave until 8:15. Three hours. Ten courses, 8 pairings. I haven't flooded social media with pictures yes, but I will. It was heaven. Just pure heaven. Three hours of fun, food, and a casual vibe. The owner did in fact provide us a list of places, we met all the staff, we had fun. 

After that we walked downtown, had cigars and more drinks, then gelato. We finally got back to the hotel at 10:30 and had sex. It was midnight before we collapsed. This is what I needed. I am coming back out the other side. I needed to focus on ME to pull me through. We go home tomorrow, and I know the world will come back with a vengeance but I am feeling able to handle it.

ANA Y2 D41

It's my birthday. I am officially a senior fucking citizen. What? Huh? How is that possible? I was having a good day yesterday until some old cunt misgendered me. That's the first time that's happened in months. Are you kidding me? Do you not see what's in front of your face? Are my tits not big enough for you? Is my hair not long enough? What more do I have to do?? My IDs all say F. The government knows better. Why don't you?? Really put a fucking damper on things. In general I had fun. We like this town a lot. Would definitely consider moving here. Saw all the cherry related things. But. Still have the shadows in my head. They never fade. 

Now I have to pay bills. That will put me in a swell fucking mood. 

ANA Y2 D40

 Heading out of town. Hopefully it won't suck. Everything else does.

ANA Y2 D39

I don't know where to begin. I am still struggling beyond comprehension. I am able to smile and move forward in society but I am not doing well on the inside. It's a struggle to get out of bed. I am forcing myself to eat. But I have to keep going. I have to.

ANA Y2 D38

I'm okay. I just slept in. We were up until past 1am so I needed the sleep. I have to clean the house today. Going away for my birthday. Going to cherry festival. Maybe it will make me smile. Three days until my birthday. 

ANA Y2 D37

I have to keep going. I keep going for her. The way she looks at me, the way she believes in me. I can't let her down. She inspires me to do this yet again another day. Without her I wouldn't make it. It may sound childish or cliche but it's true. We all need something to hold on to in this world and she has become my pillar. The one person I don't want to leave. The light I can turn to when it gets so dark around me. I will fight. I will survive if for no other reason than to not see her sad.

I struggled yesterday to stay afloat. The walls felt closer, but there she was. Her smile. Her touch. Her telling me we will make it. Not me, we. We will get through this period somehow, someway. We will get through it together. I have a partner. I have someone who is truly standing by me and not running or asking me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone.

It's going to be hard, but I will make it one way or another.

ANA Y2 D36

I am forcing smiles and joy. No amount of forcing will stop the pain in my head. I can't keep this up much longer. Everyone thinks I am okay but I am slowing slipping into a bad place. I am so far underwater I can't tell up from down. But I must keep the mask on. Must make everyone think I am okay.

ANA Y2 D35

This thing is being dumb. Sometimes it does that.

I hate when this interface fucks up. You'd think after 13 years of writing in here I'd be used to it, but I'm not. 

Anyway. Taught. Went out. Had therapy. All in a different order than that. Have a headache right now due to pressure. Have to take C for her hair appointment in two hours.