ANA Y4 D33

I started in on my vacation project list yesterday. There's a couple of things on my list I can only do if C is home to keep helpers at bay. One is now done. I can't do the next one until next Sunday for the same reasons. I managed to finally finishing painting the walls in the laundry room. Next is the floors. But I can't do it with helpers. So it waits. But that's okay. I feel accomplished just getting something done. I also did her laundry, cleaned all the floors, made ahi for dinner, took the dog for a walk, and didn't let zippiedoodleitis ruin my life. Small victories people, small victories.

I only have to make 2 1/2 days this week then I am on vacation. Today's tasks included writing some templates for moodle migration, ordering my birthday cake, and picking up a scrip at the vet. Go me. 

ANA Y4 D32

You know those ads for meds that are like "don't like zepotalism stop you from living you life!"? That's how I acted yesterday. I ignored my head the best I could I just did as much as I could. Sometimes it worked, but for the most part it didn't. But I tried. I detailed my car. Like 3 hours of hand washing and cleaning. That made me happy. I installed a new cat door. I cleaned. I did laundry. I did a million little things to distract myself. At least I felt productive even if I felt like killing myself. I will go out with a clean house and clean underwear! Going to do the same today. Going to paint the laundry room. Knock out one of my vacation tasks early. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y4 D31

Had a small window of silence yesterday. Was so nice. From like 1pm on. But now it's back again. It's mild this morning but it's there. It's at a functional level right now. Let's see how the day goes.

Few more days and I am on my break. I can make it. 

ANA Y4 D30

Seriously? Can I get one day of relief? Nope. Wake up. Head scream. I am so tired of it. Pressure changes. Heat. Rain. Heat. Rain. Fuck this. Screwdriver please.

ANA Y4 D29

 Nothing to report. I mowed the lawn. Then it rained. I am like Kafka.

ANA Y4 D28

I wish that I could say I was "better" but I am not. I did actually work with a client yesterday which brought me some enjoyment. Instead of just blankly staring at a screen all day I got some interaction with other human beings. It was still hot yesterday which didn't help. Reached over 100 at one point. I still find myself pondering time zones and heat. Hear me out. Here it gets sweltering starting around 2 or 3pm. Keeps going until 9pm. I think about being back on the west coast. I think about how you would never be caught dead sitting out at the beach from 11-3 as that's the worst of it. But by six, it starts to cool down. Time zones. Yeah, this is how my brain works. We didn't eat until almost 8pm last night because we were too hot. It's supposed to break today. We shall see.

Oh and for the record, yes I bitch about the cold, I bitch about the heat. Fall. Fall is when I am happy. 

ANA Y4 D27

I was thinking about my birthday yesterday morning. I was thinking about how I cancelled my BBQ. I told everyone that it was because I didn't want to interrupt their 4th of July weekend. I casually said oh yeah, we will reschedule for later in the month. But I won't. Because the truth is, I cancelled it because I am tired of being the one who has to plan, coordinate, organize, host, cook, and clean up their own birthday party. I will be turning 57 years old. You know how many surprise parties I have had? Zero. You know how often in my adult years I have been the one to have to hype my own birthday? I didn't do it this year. I didn't "remind" people. I haven't sent out obnoxious posts saying "only xxx hours until my birthday!". Because the reality is, no one gives a fuck. No one cares about my birthday.

Of course this all tracks back to childhood trauma. I mean let's be honest, doesn't everything? For real. Remember when I said I was excited to go to Nashville solely in part because of how mundane and banal in the grand scheme of things the trip really was? This holds true for my birthday. Not once have I ever had a birthday party where neighborhood kids or classmates come over and we have a magician or a clown and stupid backyard shenanigans. Not once. Not once did I have a pizza party at Chuck E Cheese or a hotel pool party. Not fucking once. My birthdays were spent with my grandparents and parents and siblings. My birthdays were spent by myself later on. People forgot. I was Sam in 16 candles. Now I can trace part of this back to a few things. One - summer baby. So no in school party or reminders. Two, we never lived in a house or neighborhood. I didn't have neighborhood friends. We were too busy moving in the middle of the night. Lastly my grandmother. The thought of uncouth children running in her backyard was probably the thing of nightmares. Dear god the horror of screaming children having fun! What would the neighbors think! Heavens! Yeah well fuck you.

So here I am at 57 years old chasing a high I can never have. Chasing the simplicity of normal fucking birthday party. I spent so many years having to hype my own shit up because all I wanted was normalcy. I spent years looking like a desperate fool and idiot. No more. If anyone even remembers I will be amazed. But I am not going to be the one this year to reach out. I am done with it. I apologize to all of you who I pressured into treating me special on my birthday. I am sorry for my neediness. 

ANA Y4 D26

C is already up and off to work. The freezers died at her work because of the heat. What a shock. It's not even 6am and it's already 80 something outside. It's going to break 100 today. Okay got her out the door. 

I had another rough day and I just gave up. I slept for over 3 hours yesterday because I was just done. Ironically that did the trick? For the first time in days my head wasn't splitting and my ears were quiet. Still going to the doctor when I can though. I need to rule out any physical issues before I start going down the path of mental ones. Have my ears checked by a doctor, have my jaw and bite checked by the dentist. Have my eyes checked by an eye doc. If all that checks out then I work with my therapist. I will get to the bottom of this.

Made a pork butt. Watched the finals of the game. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D25

I sent in a request for a doctor appointment. I need to rule out anything physical before I work on mental issues. Let's see how long it takes to get in to see her. In the 90s yesterday and close to 100 today. I was going to do some stuff in the yard but have decided nope. I will stay inside and stay cool. It's 7am and already 79 out. I am not about to add heat stroke on top of everything else. Making a pork butt today at 9am. I do need to fix the sticky tape on the hallway rug today. It's sliding all over the place thanks to the idiot behind me. Other than that, low impact activities only. Just a week and a half until I am on "vacation". Woo.

ANA Y4 D24

Sigh. I wish I could say I had a decent day yesterday but I would be lying. My ears are pushing me to the point of insanity. The constant weather and pressure changes are splitting my head wide open. I need some consistency please. We go from 85 degree days to 68 and raining in minutes. It's killing me. Plus I am stressed out which isn't helping. The house needs a major cleaning and I don't have the energy to do it. It's a vicious cycle that's never ending. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know I am worrying about it which makes it worse. Because, yeah, it is all in my head. Sadly.

Went to the store. Made dinner. Worked. Washed and changed the sheets. Swept. Took dog for walk.  

ANA Y4 D23

Slept like absolute shit. Up and down all night. Ears screaming. Weather sucks. Rain. Hot. Sticky. Need a new comforter. Need to wash sheets. Off to the store. Fuck this.

ANA Y4 D22

Woke up at 3am in screaming pain from a muscle cramp in my calf. Still hurts like hell. It's been raining non-stop since yesterday morning. Massive thunderstorms all day and night. Basement has water in it. Couldn't take dog for a walk. She doesn't even want to go outside to pee. But at least it's cooled off a bit and I got paid early because of Juneteenth. Whee.

ANA Y4 D21

I forgot my phone in the other room. No charge, no alarm. I have spots in front of my eyes this morning. I don't know why. My ears are already going. It's 83 already. It's 6:10am.

ANA Y4 D20

Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nil. That's what I have to say today. I am so tired of my head. Going to shove a screwdriver in my ear later.

ANA Y4 D19

Cancelled my birthday party. Wasn't feeling it. Is what it is.

Worked in the basement prepping for when I have time off and can finish the laundry room. 16 more days and I am off. Not that it will really matter much. Nothing does. 

ANA Y4 D18

Many things:

• The kid's partner's dad died. He was younger than me. BUT he lived in a van at the beach for 15 years. Mental health issues. Obesity. DUI. Diabetes. So many things. Sad butnot unexpected.
• C's ex's dad died. Sick for a long time so also not unexpected.
• Suprise company last night. Had pizza.
• Instaled a new ceiling fan in the office. Very nice, very happy.
• Protests across the street at the library. Support the message, support the idea, bad execution at doing it right next to a residential neighborhood and not downtown. Traffic was screwed, cars all over, trash. 

Okay so not that much. Still a decent amount of things for a Saturday. 

ANA Y4 D17

Thank you dog for waking me up at 5:30am. I don't need to sleep. Nope. Ugh.

Boring day. Walked over 3 miles. Made dinner. Not much else. 

ANA Y4 D16

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys died. This one hit me hard for some reason. I think it's because of all of his struggles and how quintessential they were to the California beach life. Sounds of my childhood. Sounds of summer. Wholesome. Good. No matter how corny they were, you sang along. You smiled on the inside even if the cynical teenager in you didn't listen to that crap. We all know their music. We all know their sound. So many points in my life where there was a song that fit. Plus all of his mental health struggles and pain. He will be missed.

My new chair arrived yesterday. My ass and back are very happy. The wheels on this thing are incredible. Silent, smooth. The lumbar support is awesome. I am loving it.

Made tuna for dinner. Off to the store now.  

ANA Y4 D15

I just realized I screwed up the name of my last three posts. Fixed. Shows you where my head has been.

It got hot yesterday. Like really hot. We struggled on our 2 miles. Couldn't do more than that. Got work done. Cooked on my new grill for the fourth day in a row. Chicken thighs. Tonight is tuna. Things are calm around here for now. B's dad is going to make a recovery. They've hired on of the area's biggest injury attorneys. This is a clear cut case for sure. At least something good may come out of this. Not much else going on. Almost the weekend. Three weeks until my birthday. 

ANA Y4 D14

Some sad news from B. Her dad and his wife were on a walk with their dog and suddenly a dog charged at them. It clamped down on their dog's neck. Her dad beat it off but then it attacked him. He has been in and out of the hospital with infection that won't heal, their dog has to have it's neck stapled, and is just a mess. Scary and sad.

We went on our walk. I made cheesesteaks on the grill. We watched tv. Comparatively speaking we had a much more boring day. 

ANA Y4 D13

Had a super busy day yesterday. Took the dog to the groomers. She looks much better now. They found a couple of small mats around her butt fluff. I ordered a new brush so that doesn't happen again. Damn double coated dog. Did laundry. Cleaned up the house. Did work. Answered emails. Followed up with clients. Made fish for dinner. Watched the Austin Majors with C. Just non-stop all day. But you know what? Better that than bored, lonely, and losing my mind.

ANA Y4 D12

I'm awake. Barely. Very sleepy. Had a somewhat better day yesterday. Not great but better. C was home and that helped.We got some stuff done around the house. Used the new grill. Went on a walk. But now it's another week. Only 3 more to go and I am on vacation.

ANA Y4 D11

Yesterday was a disaster. I was up way too early. I went to the store and on my way back a guy from the water company stopped me. They were going to be doing some final work and I was going to be without water for a couple hours. This is 7am mind you. Okay that sucks but liveable. Yeah no. Some fuckup broke the water main. I was trapped in the house with no water until 5:30pm. My yard is destroyed. I couldn't do anything. All fucking day. Noise constantly. Yelling.  Machinery. During all this a friend stopped by because his phone died and he had no one else to turn to. Yes, I fixed it but it was just one thing after another yesterday. My ears are STILL screaming. Fuck this life.

ANA Y4 D10

3:50am my head is already screaming. I am sweating. We need a new comforter now. Yesterday was all over the place. Up down and everything in between. Fuck this.

ANA Y4 D9

Nothing exciting going on. Have to go out early this morning and get the car serviced. Take car of tags. Pay bills. The usual.

Spent the day working with clients and docs. Made chicken for dinner. Went on a walk. Watched tv. C did order my birthday gift. I should have a new Blackstone grill this weekend. Excited for that. Otherwise, same ol same ol. 

ANA Y4 D8

Finally found the puke. It was the dog. She ate it and all we found was the stain. Stupid idiot. It's hot finally. Plus it's raining. Horrible combination. We did manage to get a small walk in and got back just before it started. I have therapy today. Taking the car in for service tomorrow so I moved it to today. Still feel a little blah. I need a break.

ANA Y4 D7

Woke up to the sound of the cat puking at 4:15am but I can't find it anywhere. I know that sound. It's somewhere and I am going to find it later when I end up stepping in it. Lovely.

Got hot yesterday. Reached 90. We still managed to go on a walk though. Proud of us for that. Spent the day working in Moodle again. Made tacos for dinner. C is off today so she stayed up late last night. She just went to bed at 2 and I feel horrible for waking her up just now but life goes on doesn't it? My ears are screaming again for some reason. I just can't fucking win anymore. 

ANA Y4 D6

I would say I am at 97% today. Still some lingering residual but I am back in the saddle. Doing okay this morning. It's already warm. We're finally going to get some hot temps this week. I got the dog a kiddie pool and we tried with her last night. She is unsure but not afraid. I think today when it gets really hot she will appreciate it. It's going to get up to 90 today. Light clothes and time to bring out the AC unit for the office. 

Got more done with moodle yesterday. Had a long ass meeting from 3:30-5 to show my progress. More on that today. Had leftovers for dinner. Went on a good walk. Things are slowly getting better. 

ANA Y4 D5

Almost there. 95% better? Not quite 100% but almost. Throat finally not hurting. Nose still little stuffed up. C is at about 75%. She has 1-2 more days. I did push myself a little yesterday. Mowed front and back yards, did all the laundry, cleaned. But I couldn't bring myself to cook dinner. Ordered out. Had to make a concession somewhere. Otherwise nothing exciting to report. Got a week full of meetings and client work. One month to go before I am on birthday break.

ANA Y4 D4

Still not 100%. I do feel slightly better. C ended up coming home early from work. We both spent the afternoon sleeping because we felt like shit. Probably do the same today. I did get my hair done but otherwise didn't do anything. I hate being sick. My throat is still killing me. Bleh.