ANA Y4 D27

I was thinking about my birthday yesterday morning. I was thinking about how I cancelled my BBQ. I told everyone that it was because I didn't want to interrupt their 4th of July weekend. I casually said oh yeah, we will reschedule for later in the month. But I won't. Because the truth is, I cancelled it because I am tired of being the one who has to plan, coordinate, organize, host, cook, and clean up their own birthday party. I will be turning 57 years old. You know how many surprise parties I have had? Zero. You know how often in my adult years I have been the one to have to hype my own birthday? I didn't do it this year. I didn't "remind" people. I haven't sent out obnoxious posts saying "only xxx hours until my birthday!". Because the reality is, no one gives a fuck. No one cares about my birthday.

Of course this all tracks back to childhood trauma. I mean let's be honest, doesn't everything? For real. Remember when I said I was excited to go to Nashville solely in part because of how mundane and banal in the grand scheme of things the trip really was? This holds true for my birthday. Not once have I ever had a birthday party where neighborhood kids or classmates come over and we have a magician or a clown and stupid backyard shenanigans. Not once. Not once did I have a pizza party at Chuck E Cheese or a hotel pool party. Not fucking once. My birthdays were spent with my grandparents and parents and siblings. My birthdays were spent by myself later on. People forgot. I was Sam in 16 candles. Now I can trace part of this back to a few things. One - summer baby. So no in school party or reminders. Two, we never lived in a house or neighborhood. I didn't have neighborhood friends. We were too busy moving in the middle of the night. Lastly my grandmother. The thought of uncouth children running in her backyard was probably the thing of nightmares. Dear god the horror of screaming children having fun! What would the neighbors think! Heavens! Yeah well fuck you.

So here I am at 57 years old chasing a high I can never have. Chasing the simplicity of normal fucking birthday party. I spent so many years having to hype my own shit up because all I wanted was normalcy. I spent years looking like a desperate fool and idiot. No more. If anyone even remembers I will be amazed. But I am not going to be the one this year to reach out. I am done with it. I apologize to all of you who I pressured into treating me special on my birthday. I am sorry for my neediness.