ANA Y4 D125

Here it is, a Tuesday, and my head is finally quiet. I went from midday Thursday until today non-stop. Why today? Nothing is different. I swear. It makes absolutely no sense. Frustrating.

Worked on new material all day. C made chili for dinner. I did laundry. We watched Tron 2. On Monday night I made her watch the first Tron. Now we are caught up and in two weeks can go see Tron 3 in the theaters. I personally am very excited. The funny thing is she was apprehensive about watching the first one and was actually impressed. It wasn't what she was expecting. Knowing there's a third one also changes the feel of the second too. You know it's the "middle" of the story and it is more like watching Two Towers. It's not a bad movie on its own, but it's also definitely not the "end" of the story. So yeah, we will go to the actual theater for the 3rd one.

The Steam sale started yesterday. We both picked up a few new games. I got 5 and tried a couple out last night. One of which is Icarus. I like it so far. I will try the rest out tonight.

More doc writing and then possibly a 5pm meeting. We shall see if it happens. 

ANA Y4 D124

I mmake it through this week and I get a week off. Wednesday I start the lexapro. Today is day 5 of screaming. But hey my mouth finally doesn't hurt so there's that. I didn't do shit yesterday. I cleaned a bit, but otherwise the day just kind of blurred by me. Took dog for walk. Ate leftovers. Watched a movie. 

ANA Y4 D123

Sigh I am still alive. Bleh.

My head is still going. Day 4? 3.5 to be technically accurate. My lexapro arrived but I am waiting until the 1st to start it. Want a true 30 day test. 

Cleaned the house, prepped, had company, made hibachi. Stayed up until 2am. 

ANA Y4 D122a

Take the skin and peel it back. And doesn't it make you feel better?

The shotgun is calling today. Silence. Golden silence. No more anything.  

 

 

Need you deam you find you taste you fuck you use you scar you break you lose me hate me smash me erase me

kill me

 

 

 

so much blood for such a tiny little hole

 

problems have solutions. a lifetime of fucking things up fixed in one determined flash. 

 

ANA Y4 D122

Getting back $178 of what I spent at the vet. Go pet insurance. Yesterday sucked. Today sucks. Everything sucks. Except pet inusrance.

ANA Y4 D121

Sadly my ears kicked back in around 11:30am yesterday. Back to the drawing board with theories. But to be honest, I am better off without caffeine anyway so I may keep this up for a while. Like everything else I have tried it isn't going to hurt to not be drinking sodas or energy drinks. I will figure this out. May kill me in the process, but I will figure it out.

So yesterday was nuts. I started the day by installing and working on configuring a server. I needed to get as much done as possible before heading to the vet. I then around 8:15am took BOTH the cat and dog to the vet. That was an adventure. Everyone got their shots and tests. Good news is everyone is doing okay. We need to up Merlot's dosage a little bit but otherwise she is okay. The idiot is fine. She is a growing puppy and doing everything she is supposed to be doing. No issues there.

Got back home around 10am and continued working. Had a meeting and then headed off to the dentist. Was there from about 3:15 until 4:45. Not bad at all. The procedure wasn't horrible. Not "fun" by any means, but not a horror story. We got the tooth taken care of. I go back in a couple weeks for follow up work. I could tell a difference right away but I was also still numb. I managed to take the dog for a walk and we picked up Jersey Mike's on our walk. I ate slow, but I ate. It was around 8pm that the issues happened. All of the numbing wore off around then and the right side of my face was throbbing. Part of it was I had to keep my mouth open with a dental dam for over an hour so I had sore jaw on top of sore gums and tooth. I took some advil at 8:30 and was in bed by 9:15. This morning I can definitely tell a difference in my mouth. Again, I am sore but not in pain. There is a difference. We shall see how the day progresses.

Have some more documentation to write today on the server I built, then that's it for the week. I can get through today dammit. 

ANA Y4 D120

Ready for this? This is day two of silence (so far) in my head. What changed? NO CAFFEINE. This is day three without an energy drink in the morning and day two of silence. Is it the caffeine specifically? I don't know. It might be any one of the myriad of ingredients in this shit. So I am going to go five days with nothing but water and if I go four days with silence, we have our correlation people. I will then drink a small coke. One small coke. If nothing happens, then it may be a quantity thing or another ingredient. I am on a road of discovery!

Worked on stuff yesterday, made chicken parm for dinner, watched Barbarian, took dog for walk, screamed in pain over my tooth, suffered through headache from no caffeine, caught up with the kid, and went to the grocery store.

Today I take both pets to the vet, then get a hole drilled in my mouth. Whee! 

ANA Y4 D119

Yesterday was insane. My mouth was hurting so bad I moved my tooth appointment to this thursday. You know you're struggling when you say please drill a hole in my mouth. But the worst part is apparently I almost died. See Monday night I was struggling so bad I took whatever I could find in the mystery drug bin. I ended up mixing ambien and xanax which turns out is a pretty big no no. Seems when C came to bed she found me face down on top of the covers face buried in pillows. She had to roll me over and get me situated. I remember none of it. I woke up yesterday throwing up. So um, yeah. I was in a fog all day yesterday. Head screaming, mouth pounding, head fuzzy. Good times. I am still here though. Yay me. Tomorrow I will get the mouth done, the head is being worked on, and that's all I can do.

ANA Y4 D118

I am very out of it this morning. I took an ambien last night around 11pm because I couldn't sleep. Now I am paying for that. I think I am going to throw up any second. Also, my ears are screaming. Came back around 3pm yesterday. Xanax didn't do anything. Don't want to try again yet because of the ambien in my system.

Finally got in to see the ENT. She did a thorough exam and also concluded that this is not a drainage issue. It's mental. Going to see about starting lexapro. 

wow, i am fucked up this morning. do not like. 

ANA Y4 D117

It's there today, lurking beneath the surface. Mild, but there. I can sort of hear it. Well today is the ENT so we shall see if anything comes of this. I also need to pick up my prescription. 

We left around 9 yesterday, got home a little after 11am. We stopped and looked at a house on the way out of town. I may message the realtor today about it. From the outside it has promise. I can tell there are issues, but it's a "shitty house in nice neighborhood" kind of thing. We could end up with a mortgage around the same as now too. Most importantly, it gets us out of here. It also gives us our space instead of my space that C moved into. I know it's a small distinction but it's one none the less. 

Got home, did laundry, unpacked, relaxed. Ordered a pizza for dinner, took dog for walk, watched a movie. 

3 hours until doctor. God I have waited for this forever. 

ANA Y4 D116

Silence today. Go figure.

We had an incredible day yesterday. Walked over 10 miles. Ate three more poutines. Saw so much art. Now it is time to head back home. 

ANA Y4 D115

Really? My head is back making noise. Really? Today? Stupid head.

We are in Grand Rapids. We left yesterday around noon after I had therapy and a doc appointment. My doctor is prescribing me some Xanax so we can do a test. If the xanax does nothing, we're going down a lexipro path. Something to combat this. My therapist also approves this path.

We got here around 3, settled in at the hotel, and spent the next five hours walking and eating many poutines. We got three in and only need one more today for our t-shirts. We did about 7 miles yesterday. So much that by 10pm we were all exhausted and crashed out.

Today should be fun except of course for my fucking head. 

ANA Y4 D114

Glorious silence in my head, pain in my mouth. I can't win, can I? I did go to the dentist yesterday. I got to hear those two words no one ever wants to hear - root canal. One tooth, top right. I am scheduled for 10/9. I am on antibiotics right now which will help, but it won't solve the issue. I don't want to do it, but I have to. I also have some orajel to get me from screaming this weekend. She also flattened the tooth in question to take it out of my bite which makes eating easier until we get it taken care of in three weeks. But hey, my head is quite, we're going out of town, and I am taking a mental health week in October. Find the positive, right?

ANA Y4 D113

Still going. I did learn about some stuff yesterday. There's a technique known as Notched Therapy. Basically instead of doing a widespread treatment of white noise to mask, you pinpoint the specific frequency and then "notch" it out of the brain. Mine is roughly 4993khz. So now that I have identified my frequency, I listen to white noise with that gone. Over time it teaches the brain to ignore that frequency thereby causing the brain to ignore the tinnitus. At this point I am willing to try anything.

Going to the dentist today. In pain in my mouth too. Good times. 

ANA Y4 D112

It's back. So what changed? Nothing. Weather same. Consumed beverages, same. Sleep pattern, same. Clothes worn to bed, same. Stress during the day, same or less than Monday. So what changed? What's different? Why? Why?

Worked on a new class yesterday. Made a pork tenderloin for dinner. Went on a walk.  

ANA Y4 D111

Okay, it's a Tuesday. My head? Silent. Explain. I am no more or less stressed than I was on Sunday. The weather is the same. I slept approximately the same number of hours. So why? Sigh.

We ended up at a completely different place than we planned yesterday. As we were headed to our destination I put it into GPS to get traffic and was informed it was closed. Argh. We pulled over when we could and started looking at options. Four of the places we could think of were closed. Fucking Mondays. We ended up at a new place and so glad we did. We ended up at a steak/hibachi/sushi place, sat on the patio, and had the entire area to ourselves. It was so nice. Weather was perfect. Food was awesome. More expensive than I wanted, but in the end it was just incredible. We had a fantastic anniversary night. Couldn't have asked for better. 

Three more days and we're off for Art Prize weekend!! 

ANA Y4 D110

Yep. Sigh.

I did forget to mention I got the MRI results. Two grand for nothing. I have no physical issues in my brain. Lovely eh?  So back to square one. One more week untl I meet with the ENT.

Did nothing yesterday. 

Happy 3 year anniversary to us. 

ANA Y4 D109

EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?? WHY IS IT BACK TODAY?? I AM NOT STRESSED OUT? NOTHING CHANGED? IT'S SUNDAY FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I am so done. I need some fucking answers. Now. 

ANA Y4 D108

Oh look, finally silence. On a weekend. Go figure. This isn't a tumor. It's self induced stress. I need drugs. No doctor is going to give me what I want though. I need anti anxiety meds. I need depression meds. I need something.

Went to the store late last night so I didn't have to go this morning. Spent the day in pain. Mouth and head. No results yet on the MRI. 

ANA Y4 D107

Day 6. Fainter today but still there. I was hoping that the MRI was causing me stress and it would fade after but alas, here I am. 

I was a ball of anxiety all day yesterday waiting for the MRI. Took me almost 40 minutes to get to the location. They were efficient and on time so there's that. Plus they let me keep the pants and the socks! Grippy socks for the win baby. The MRI wasn't bad. It was really like being in an industrial club with the worst DJ ever. We started around 5:30, I was out by 6:15. I made a few stops on the way home to get things done but otherwise, all good.

Today I have meetings and need to pay bills. Joy. 

ANA Y4 D106

Day five. Solid. No breaks. No respite.

MRI day. Dear god, let's find something. 

ANA Y4 D105

Day four. Not happy. Woke up many times during the night. Tomorrow is MRI. Am I stressing because of that and causing my own issues? Probably. FML.

Worked. Made lamb chops. Watched Weapons. A+. Lots of twists and turns. Worth watching. Went on walk. Was dark. Didn't like. 

ANA Y4 D104

Day 3 of this shit. Getting tired of it. Add to that my face was hurting all day yesterday. It felt like someone punched me on the right side of my face. I did go to the dentist and she said it was most likely that I was clenching all night because of the pain on the left. Lovely. It doesn't hurt this morning luckily. I went into the dentist yesterday without an appointment and luckily they had me in and out in under an hour. I appreciate them. My left side feels MUCH better. But dealt with the right the rest of the day. It was so bad I ended up taking two muscle relaxers last night which made me floopy. I think it helped me sleep but it still wasn't fun being in pain all day. Made chicken with mushroom soup for dinner. Took dog on walk. Did some work. Two more days until my MRI.

ANA Y4 D103

Still going. I woke up in the middle of the night to bad attack. Around 3:30am. Just screaming. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep.

We had a decent day. Took dog to REI to get her a new harness as she outgrew the old one. Had lunch. Took her for walk. Did laundry. Made tuna for dinner. Watched some tv. Played games. 

Going back to the dentist today. Hopefully they can fix my mouth. Thursday we will see if I have a tumor. 

ANA Y4 D102

It's back. Explain it to me please? Why? It's sunday? I am not stressed out? Weather didn't change? House isn't any different? So fucking stupid.

Had my hair done. Made mushroom soup. Played video games. Had friend over for soup. Walked dog. 

ANA Y4 D101

Quiet today. Let's see how long it lasts. I am going to bring my loops to my hair appt. See if that helps when she does the hairdryer on me.

Finished my class yesterday. Very proud of it. Let's see if sales can sell it. Made carne asada for dinner. Did 2.5 miles with the dog. It was mild yesterday so I was pretty functional.  

ANA Y4 D100

 Day two of screaming, yippee. Do I ever get a break? No? Okay. Shotgun it is. Well maybe. Because now the DOJ is wanting to label me mentally ill and take away my right to own a gun. Fuck you. Fuck this country. Fuck this administration. Fuck this life. Wrong timeline. Somewhere we screwed up. Something went terribly wrong. Fix it. Now.

ANA Y4 D99

And we're back with the screaming. This is not a drainage issue. This is not just stress related. SOMETHING is wrong. We're one week out from my MRI. Please dear god show something.

Good day yesterday. Got a lot done on my new class. Made suasage hoagies for dinner. Went on a 2.5 mile walk. It was great. I was happy.  

ANA Y4 D98

Silence this morning. Okay, what changed? I slept longer? That's it? Weather cooled down by like two degrees? I don't have anything pressing to do this morning? I don't know. I just don't.

Yesterday was hard. Especially when I took her for a walk. MASSIVE trigger stacking. Her pulling, cars, noise, other dogs, bunnies, squirels, more noise. I came back from walking her and just had to sit in the living room staring at nothing for an hour to calm down. This is why this is killing me. I cannot function.

Let's hope for at least another 30ish hours? 

ANA Y4 D97

38 hours. That's how long I got this time of relief. 38. I woke up at 4 something and it was back. I woke up at 1:30 and it was still gone so I am estimating that 3 hours in between, but still. Why? What was the trigger? What changed? What's different? Weather is the same?

I had a great day yesterday. Made thai salmon for dinner. Went on a three mile walk. Played video games. Played outside with dog. And now I am back to this. Fuck me. 

ANA Y4 D96

Hour 18. Yesterday around 1pm it just stopped. Just gone. Let's see how long this round lasts. Drainage issue my ass.

Took dog to groomer yesterday. Took three hours this time but she looks great. I went to the store while I waited and got stuff for the week. Got home, cleaned, took her for a walk, made chinese food at home, played games, watched a documentary. I am so much more productive and happy when my heading isn't screaming. When I don't want to smash it through a wall.

Today is holiday and I plan to take full advantage or at least as much as I can. Tomorrow is dentist at 8am. Yippee.