Ears still going, haven't heard back on urine analysis.
I applied for a job yesterday. First time applying for something like that in almost 20 years. Let's see if I hear back.
Did laundry. Played games. Snowed more. Made salmon for dinner. Watched tv. Went to bed. C works the next four days in a row.
Ears going, pee hurt less. Yes, each day now is a medical update because at some point I am going to have to give a doctor all this info and I need to track it somewhere.
I got a lot done yesterday outside the house including getting caught in a dangerous mini blizzard. I went out around 8:30 to get my blood work done. On Mondays it's hit or miss if anyone will be there. It depends on available Quest staff. They were supposed to be there at 9:15. At 9:15 I was still the only one there and it was starting to get windy and snow. I decided to pre-warm the car and wait before going out. At 9:20am the phlebotomist showed. Nice. I was able to get my blood drawn AND leave a urine sample. Get both checked at once. Hopefully I will hear back on the urine sample today. Finished up at the doctor's then went to the garage door people. I was expecting to have to book out sometime in Jan, but they were like, we could do this tomorrow but then we're gone until 1/5. I told them tomorrow is fine. They will be here baround 10am to do the garage door. I then went to the bank and got them cash because they offer a discount for cash. As I was at the bank, the storm got worse. Snow coming down, wind picking up.
I picked up my friend for a planned lunch at Famous Dave's. We had a nice time catching up. When we came out though it was nearing whiteout conditions. Took us 30+ minutes to drive 6 miles. But I got her home safe then got myself home safe. Not a moment too soon. It kept going all day. Our clear backyard turned into a massive snow mess. I then did laundry, did dishes, relaxed, made dinner. We had to take the dog out a couple of times and it sucked. Finally the snow let up around 7pm but the wind was still going. More snow is predicted for today.
Stayed up until midnight playing a new game C got me. She's been playing with her friends and wants me to join them. I was a little iffy at first but clearly I enjoyed it. I played for almost 3 hours! We went to bed and now we wait for garage man.
Still having issues with things. Going today to try and get my blood work done. Maybe start the new year off with drugs or surgeries. I can't deal with this right now. It's becoming too much to handle. I drank a gallon of water and a liter of cranberry juice yesterday. No help. I need medical attention but it's too hard to go to a doctor. I will just die.
I need to get my blood checked. Now I have cloudy pee. Possible causes? Kidney issues at the top for me. What the fuck is going on with my body? Am I really getting old? Fuck me.
My head is still going. This is just getting scary. I don't like.
My head is back, but I may have discovered a correlation. This one may be on me. So I was doing fine all day yesterday. Around 7pm I started to feel a headache coming on. I went and took 3 ibuprofen. Within 30 minutes my ears were screaming. At first I was like what the fuck? I started thinking about why. Nothing changed, no difference in my stress level. I went and looked it up and yes, ibuprofen CAN cause flare ups. It messes with the blood flow in the inner ear. Seriously? Now, remember all summer when I was having tooth issues and popping them like candy? That could have caused permanent damage. I am going to ride this out and see how long it takes to clear. But there's another thing to be added to the list of things to avoid.
The rest of the day was good. Cleaned up Xmas, put together my new Lego, tried out the toaster oven, wore some new clothes, oiled my new cutting boards, played games, watched tv, and of course, I finally had my chinese food.
No plans for today.
Day two of silence so far. No complaints.
We had a good xmas. C loved her gifts especially her new chair. I got a new Barbie, some clothes for both home and work if I need to go back into an office, and some practical things for the house. C really surprised me with a gift. She got me a luxury edition Scrabble board. Real wood, gold trim, high quality tiles. The kind of thing that I would look at and say no that's too much for Scrabble. Well, she got it for me.
After opening presents and cleaning up we headed to her sister's house. You know as much as I was dreading it, it turned out nice. The dog pooped in the car sadly and we had to stop a second time for a second poop, but we made it. There were 11 of us. Not too many but not too small. The food was good, no presents. I even managed to do a little networking with C's brother in law and may have a good lead on a job. I will pursue that this week.
We got home around 8 and seeing as I had been up since 4:15, didn't take long for me to crash out. I got a new watch for Xmas and it says I slept for 8h 22m. I needed it.
Chinese food today thank you very much.
MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES!!
I am awake and my head is silent. Thank the old gods.
Let the present opening begin!!
I had the weirdest dream last night. Bruce Campbell was in it. He was taking me to get steaks. Because I broke up with X2. BEFORE we were married. I knew it was wrong and stopped it before it went further. Ah hindsight? Who knows.
Did more of nothing yesterday. Today we are doing our stuff then heading to the sister's place. May you all have a good day.
Ended up screaming yesterday, screaming today. FML
Day two of vacation marred by this. Xmas better not be ruined by this shit. So done. I have been dealing with this for a year now almost. There has to be an underlying cause. There has to be a solution.
Santa is in the air. Just left Russia.
Mostly silent right now. See if it lasts. I did get a full night's sleep. That helps.
Day one of vacation and didn't do shit. Did laundry, cleaned, made dinner, but that's it. Yes, that's my idea of doing nothing. Only 41 hours until Xmas.
Still screaming.
Had a quiet day yesterday. Kept on with my cleaning project. I emptied the hall closet and got rid of so much junk. Long overdue. I can now open that door and not feel stressed. Today is the dining room and front room. Tomorrow, the kitchen and bathroom. My house will be clean by Xmas. Which is in 66 hours. We're going to C's sister's on Thursday. Not happy about that to be honest. I was looking forward to being home all day and not having to put on real clothes. She promised me I could have that on Friday. Fine. Still not happy. But then again, when am I ever happy lately?
Back to screaming. Started yesterday around 1pm. Fuck this. Going to go stand in the middle of the street. Bye.
Silent so far. Had a brief issue from 11-2 yesterday then it went away. 21 hours of silence is better than zero. Let's see how long this one lasts. Ironically it went away yesterday right after my last meeting at 2pm. I am now done and off until Jan 5th. Going to start house cleaning today. I want this house cleaned by Xmas morning. We have to go to C's sister's on Xmas afternoon/evening. But I did set some boundaries - no gift exchange and no cooking. She agreed to that. I can accept that compromise. I did suggest we do a NYE gathering instead but her other sister is leaving on her honeymoon on the 27th. Fair enough. They're off to Iceland. While I am excited for them, I am also insanely envious. At the same time, I don't think I would want to be traveling international right now anyway. Catch-22 all the way around. We're down to the wire for Xmas. Almost into double digits. 113 to be exact.
Silent today. Yesterday's only lasted for 2 hours and then back to screaming. Let's see if I can get a full day this time.
Worked, went to the store, went to bed.
This is my last day of work for 2 weeks baby. Almost Xmas.
Finally silence. Three days of screaming. Now silence. Had decent sleep.
Didn't do much of anything yesterday. Made a chicken dish for dinner which was meh. Watched some tv.
Absolute shit night. Still screaming. Screamed through the whole night. Woke me up multiple times.
Same shit different decade.
Still screaming.
We took Merlot to the vet yesterday. Her meds aren't working any more and we have to switch her to shots. Starting this week she will get twice daily insulin shots. Fun times. She needed an x-ray too. She's backed up we needed to see why. $411. Sigh.
Not much else going on.
Back to screaming.
I forgot to tell you the juicy news from Saturday. On the way to the wedding we were just talking about weddings in general and when B&A get married C asked me if I thought we'd be invited. I thought about it and said that even if we were, I probably wouldn't go because of family dynamics. Not because we wouldn't be welcome by the couple but just it would cause drama. That was pretty much the end of the discussion. I shit you not, no more than 30 minutes later B messages me and asks "for a pretty big favor". She wants to know if we can watch the dog from 1/2 - 1/4 BECAUSE THEY ARE ELOPING. Swear to god I can't make shit like this up. They are going to a town an hour away near outlet malls and getting eloped. Two marriages, two elopements. Insane.
Didn't do much yesterday. Made salmon for dinner. Watched some tv. Did laundry.
Blessed be the slience, hallowed be thy name.
Yesterday was a whirlwind of ups and downs. I woke up to day three of screaming. Not fun. Especially when we had to get shit done and get out. We spent the morning getting ready for the wedding and got on the road at noon. Dropped off el doggo and headed to the venue. Arrived at around 1:30 only to find the start time had moved because of one of C's sisters being chronically late to everything.
The venue was a converted 1940s school. Fucking adorable. Seriously. We got there and we got invited into the bridal suite. Do you know how much that meant to me? To be hanging out pre-wedding with the bridal party? I wasn't just a guest, I was part of the family. We hung out, explored the property, then took our seats. Right in front. The ceremony was beautiful. I cried more during this wedding than my own. Any of my own. After we headed to the reception area but we were sidelined and told it was family picture time. I expected to be just off to the side waiting, but nope. I was in at least four pictures. That might not seem like a lot but for me who is never included in anything, it was the greatest moment ever. More crying.
We finished up and went to the reception area where we were at table 1. Right in front of the head table. Again, new experience. The dances started and cue more crying. We ate, we laughed, we cried. It was probably one of the best weddings I have ever been a part of and I truly felt I was part of it. C's sister did all the decorations, did all the arrangements, AND baked over 1000 cookies for the dessert table. Small cake just for them, cookies of all varities for us. We headed out around 8:30 to go get doggo. Got home about 10pm.
Just an incredible day even with my head screaming.
Yeah it's doing what you think it's doing. All day yesterday too. Really bad at one point in both ears. I am so fed up.
Went to the dealer, got my car serviced, went to the grocery store, fixed C's pants for today, made dinner. Cried in my head in aguish all day.
Today is the wedding. Woo.
Back to screaming. Of course I am.
Have to go. Have things to do this morning. Maybe I will get lucky and my head will shut up. I doubt it.
Finally silence. It faded around noon yesterday so I am 18 hours into silence. Blessed.
It snowed hard and heavy all day yesterday. So bad my dirveway guy didn't come until almost 7pm. He wanted to wait until it stopped which did piss me off but I get his logic. It's not supposed to snow again until Sunday or Monday. It also screwed up multiple deliveries. Hopefully things will be righted today. Worked all day on client stuff. Got a decent sale come through that I took care of with the sales team's help. Made me look good. Did some job hunting. Made meatball subs for dinner. No walk. Too cold, too dangerous. Watched some tv. Went to bed.
Screamed all day, still screaming today.
Taught. Worked. Snowed all day. Made tuna. Went to bed.
It's back. On the edges, but it's there. We'll see if it fades once I start working and ignoring it. I had silence all day yesterday.
C had a doctor appointment. I taught. We took dog for walk. Made chicken tacos for dinner. Watched TV. She fell asleep on the couch. Went to bed.
Silence today. It did in fact fade yesterday but came back for about 5 hours starting around noon. Then it faded again. Hopefully no repeat of that today.
Did laundry, took dog for walk in the snow, made cheesesteaks for dinner, watched tv. Teach today and tomorrow. Taking Friday off. Just two more weeks and I am done for the year.
Very faint today. Still there but I feel it will fade.
Busy day yesterday. Hair appointment, groceries, and errands. I did get something cool. I got an email recently from a local used bookstore saying that a book I had requested had arrived. It's been at least 4 years since I submitted that request. I stopped and picked it up on the way home from hair. I finally once again have a copy of Watership Down. It is wrapped and under the tree. $5 Xmas present and I love it.
Ate all the party leftovers for dinner, took dog for a walk, watched some TV. Quiet, nice day.
On Thursday C said to me, watch, the minute everyone is out the door Friday night, your head will stop. Not quite but close. Yes, it is silent this morning. Stress of the week? Probably. All I know is I am going to enjoy it as long as I can.
C's bday went off perfectly. I was up early finishing the cake, made the sangria, taught, ordered food, had a meeting, guests arrived, fun was had! We were done by 10pm as she has to work today and I have a hair appointment. The house is relatively put together still. Just have to do laundry this weekend, otherwise, I am free for two days.
Still screaming. I'm satressed. Work. Cat birthday. Party. Work. Life in general. We all know what is going on. Nothing ever changes the way I need it to. Couple more weeks.
Yes, I am still here. Of course I am. Do you think I am going to do something right before C's birthday? I mean come on. Nor am I going to ruin anyone's Christmas. No, the optimal time is the week between Christmas and New Year's. Nothing going on really anyway that week.
My head has been screaming for three days now. I can't take any more. I have to teach today too. This is going to be hell.
I am so tired of this. I am tired of my head. My body. My life. My head is splitting already. My leg hurts. My back hurts. My tooth hurts. I don't want to work any more. I don't want to try and find a job in an oversaturated market. I am so far in debt. I don't know which is more true:
I've been down so goddamn long that it looks like up to me
or
I have to look up just to see hell.
Both work right now. I am tired of trying. You know what I realized? That when that time comes, it won't be with a lot of fanfare or noise. It will be quiet. No one will notice. There will be no cries for help or seeking of attention. It will just happen.
Sure, C will be sad. But she is young and will be able to move on just fine. She can have 40+ years with someone else. She will make it through. The kid will be sad too but in some ways I think she'll have seen it coming. She will have time to process it and be able to take joy in the time we had.
As for the rest of you, pardon the cliche, but I will become someone you used to know. You'll think about me on occassion and say my what a shame but it will fade. The world will still go on. Things won't stop becaise I am gone. You'll log in here one day and notice I haven't posted in a while. But over time I will fade away from your memories and thoughts. That's okay.
I will finally be at peace.
Silence today. Slept a good amount, no alarm, heat off, humidifier on. Which is good because yesterday was bad. All day non-stop. Loud too. Just piercing my skull all damn day.
Worked on a presentation just to be told we're going to do short form videos instead. What? The one media I hate more than anything. I will adapt though. I always do.
Made meatball orzo for dinner. Took dog on late walk. Watched tv.
The screaming got louder yesterday and has been going non-stop. I couldn't sleep and it's still going. This is the cycle - sleep helps but it's too loud to sleep well. Fuck me.
C made dinner last night. We did laundry. We went for a walk in the snow. Watched TV.
