I am so tired of this. I am tired of my head. My body. My life. My head is splitting already. My leg hurts. My back hurts. My tooth hurts. I don't want to work any more. I don't want to try and find a job in an oversaturated market. I am so far in debt. I don't know which is more true:
I've been down so goddamn long that it looks like up to me
or
I have to look up just to see hell.
Both work right now. I am tired of trying. You know what I realized? That when that time comes, it won't be with a lot of fanfare or noise. It will be quiet. No one will notice. There will be no cries for help or seeking of attention. It will just happen.
Sure, C will be sad. But she is young and will be able to move on just fine. She can have 40+ years with someone else. She will make it through. The kid will be sad too but in some ways I think she'll have seen it coming. She will have time to process it and be able to take joy in the time we had.
As for the rest of you, pardon the cliche, but I will become someone you used to know. You'll think about me on occassion and say my what a shame but it will fade. The world will still go on. Things won't stop becaise I am gone. You'll log in here one day and notice I haven't posted in a while. But over time I will fade away from your memories and thoughts. That's okay.
I will finally be at peace.
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