Y4 D148

I feel huge. Ginormous. I need to go back on speedball cocktails - Diet Rockstar, cigarettes and diet pills. 500 calories or less a day. I felt better when I was skinnier. I blame women. Two of them to be specific - the kid and XTGF. Ever since the kid moved in with me it's been three meals a day around the house. I would go three days without a meal before her. Same thing with XTGF. She wanted to eat which meant I ate. Almost nine months of that. Nine months of her. 16 months of the kid. All of that equals too much food. Too much fat. Waddle waddle waddle.

My dragon died yesterday. No pets for me apparently. I am not allowed to have animals that live. At least not the ones I want to have. No mine all day. Food? Temperature? I don't know. I didn't feel like he was eating enough. Will I replace him? Probably not. Get rid of all them. When the rats die I am done. Me and the cat. Full circle. Then she will die and that will be the end of it.

I need to self-destruct. I haven't in a while and it is building up. I feel the pressure. I need to just be unapologetic. I need to say screw the world and do what I need to do.

You know what's ridiculous and ironic? I try to behave. I try to go out on dates with people who are right for me. Women who are 'appropriate'. I go out last week on two dates. They say they had fun. They say they want to stay in touch while I am on the road. They say they are interested. So who do I hear from all week? SG. She's the only one who seems to actually give a shit. Maybe because she can't have me and she wants what she cannot have. Who doesn't? We all do inside. We all want the forbidden fruit. But she at least keeps me going and gives me hope. Makes me feel desirable.

She slipped yesterday. She indirectly told me she loved me. She caught her gaff and tried to backpedal but it's out there now. Because in my own fucked up way I love her too. We both know it's damaged goods. But love is love. And we take it where we can.

I am dying. And not in the Sylvia Plath sort of way we are all dying. I mean my time is coming. I feel it. I feel it in my bones. The body is starting to revolt. The body is getting weaker. Knees. Arms. Stomach. Lungs. I feel them all fighting back finally. You can only abuse for so long before it breaks. But it's better to burn out than fade away. I will die alone. This is not pity or sadness. This is observation. While I may die alone, I will not die unloved. They all love me in one way or another and I them. Some I can never have.

LO who changed my life. XTGF who just wasn't ready for me yet. My Demon Girl who I love. I love her for her independence. Her fire. Her strength. She is ... she is. But that is love unrequited and always will be. Oh to taste that once before I die.

N once told me - you need two women. One to fuck and one to cry on. I am paraphrasing, but it's true. I have issues. No shit right? I have mother issues. Hey watch your mother be beaten for 10 years then die in front of you at 16 and yeah you will have some white knight women issues later in life. What a shock. But then at the same time? I think my mother was an idiot. Allowing herself to have abortions and party and then stay in that relationship. Yes, I have women issues. Reality, what a fucking concept.

At the end of the day, they all try to save me, and love me, and reject me, and ignore me, and then try to save me again. But we know the truth don't we?

And I still believe that I cannot be saved.