Y9 D91

I can't post this for another three hours. I shouldn't even be awake yet. I should still be asleep for at least another hour. But yet here I am typing at 12:07am EST on Friday August 25th 2017. Where did my fucking life go? Why can't I take back the mistakes of the past? How did I end up such a mistake myself? I have failed. I have failed and there is no coming back from it. Everything I touch turns to shit. I don't get to be happy. I have to keep going until some day I crawl away and die. But I don't want to die. That scares me more than the constant living. At least living I know. But that gets harder every day. After everything I have done I hate myself for what I have become. No one helps me. No one is there to take on this burden of mine. Sure they can listen. Sure they can pat me on the back and say there there. But who is there to actually provide help? I see friends whose parents are passing away and they inherit houses and annuities and things that give them a leg up. I see people whose uncles or parents or old friends of the family are there to help. You need a little bit for that house down payment? Of course I can help! Do I have that? I had it once. And it was taken from me to make everyone else happy. To fulfill their needs of greed and desires. Not mine. I buy small things because it's the only fucking joy I get any more. I put myself into debt to try and have some semblance of life and that I am playing the game and doing my part. No one wants to live in a box with no stuff. But if you have the stuff are you happy? Does it fill the void? Does it keep you warm at night? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE? Well, you can't have that...

Taught day three. It went fine. Got back to hotel at about 5:10pm. Had dinner. Back again at 6pm. Packed. Tried to sleep. Slept from 8 until 11:30. Can't sleep any more. Everything echoing in my brain until I can't sleep any more. I just want something...

Don't get home today until probably 2:30pm PST. I land at 12:20pm. By the time I get off the plane, get to the train, and get home, it will be after 2pm. Then I have to do laundry. Because I need to iron clothes to be at an onsite locally next week. Then I have to do bills because no one else is going to do them. Then I have to pretend like everything is fine and my world isn't one match away from burning to the ground.

Burn. Let it all burn.