ANA Y3 D337

My ears won't shut up. I am stressed out and the weather is messing with me and it's wreaking havoc on my head. I haven't gotten this month's expense check and today is the last day. I have shit to pay with that money. I am so fucked.

ANA Y3 D336

Was so hot last night. We need a new comforter. My friend suggested down. We are going to look into that. 

Worked on new material yesterday. 32 demos in this new class. Got about 11 done. Another 10 today and finish on Wednesday. Went for a walk. Made hens, played outside. Good day.

ANA Y3 D335

Thirty more days and we start a new year. Wow. You know how many years I have been writing this thing? 16. Almost an entire adult. That's crazy. Not a single day missed either. I know some days are less descriptive than others, but still.

As expected we didn't do much of anything yesterday. Three mile walk was the big thing we did. We watched the ESL grand finals because C wanted to. I have never watched anything like that before and found myself getting into it. Scary. But it was fun to share in something new like that. We BBQ'd burgers and spent time out in the yard. All in all it was a good day.

ANA Y3 D334

Yesterday was wonderful. The exact opposite of Nashville. We had a fantastic time doing stuff, walked over 7 miles, and my ears didn't bug me once! Wish I could say the same for this morning. Yesterday we had the air on in the house, this morning the heat. I blame my ears right now on that. 

I got to my friend's house at 7am, we spent some time getting Sandy situated and went over some rules with her daughter who was watching her. Nothing major. This was the first time she was away from us like that and I wanted to make sure everything was cool. She has never been in a yard free range and I wanted her to make sure there was no digging under a fence or anything. We were in the car by 7:15am and on our way!

When we rolled into town we saw a larger number of cars than expected. Turns out the university was having graduation. But the thing is? Never once during the day was it an issue. Even with the extra people in town we never felt crowded or stressed out. We had breakfast, went to the museum, made our own perfumes, walked around, did wine tasting, more walking, had ramen, and came home. Everything felt right and comfortable. I couldn't have asked for a better day. We were home by 6:30pm and the doggo was fine. Picture perfect.

Not sure what's the plan for today. Looks cloudy out but might get some yardwork in.

ANA Y3 D333

Off to Grand Rapids today! Hopefully it will not be a repeat of Nashville. I talked it through with my therapist yesterday and she reassured me of all the differences. I feel better. Still anxious but better. Boring day. Finished a new class. Played outside. Mowed the lawn. Made a chicekn pasta dish for dinner. Time to shower!

ANA Y3 D332

Had the most intense dream last night. Aliens, sentient AI, suicide, time travel, happiness. So out there I don't know what to make of it.

Worked on stuff, took dog for walk, made ahi burgers, watched tv. Nothing exciting. Bills, therapy, life today.

ANA Y3 D331

I finally got a doctor's appointment. Next Tuesday. I took the appointment for a couple reasons. One I worked hard to get it and two even if things are feeling better, I can make sure I am healing well. Not happy it took so damn long but whatever. Slept in this morning. Both of us feel like we're not getting enough sleep. Don't know why to be honest. I have to get up early the next couple of days and I took advantage of today. 

Did mostly paperwork yesterday with a couple of meetings thrown in. We are migrating our LMS system starting May 1st and we're in the planning stages right now. This will be my main focus in May. Roll it out to customers in June. Keeps me busy. We also landed a $350k gig for the company this week which helps. Not enough to keep us going long term, but keeps the lights on.

B came over last night to pick up something and doggo got to meet their doggo. Went quite well. They both got along and had a fun time. I feel more confident about her being around other dog on Saturday now. C wasn't feeling well last night and I made her grilled cheese and soup. I had leftovers. We watched some tv, played some video games, went to bed.

Nothing exciting planned for today. Laundry and grocery store while working.

ANA Y3 D330

My ears are going squish squish, my toothbrush died, and I still can't breathe out of my left nostril. Welcome to my world. Nothing of any real note happened. The world still sucks. The pope is dead thanks to Cringe Lord, and I am fed up with everything. Had a weird dream that made no sense. Made sloppy joes. I am done.

ANA Y3 D329

I didn't get into the doctor yesterday. Right ear is worse. Almost went to urgent care but decided to stick it out one more day. The price difference isn't worth it. Last time I went to urgent care for this shit it cost me $150. I go to my regular doctor it will be $25. Hopefully I will hear from them today. 

Did take it easy yesterday to try and relieve the pain in my head. My right ear is squish squish right now. Hard to focus on anything else. Made salmon with udon last night.

ANA Y3 D328

Ear infection, right ear. Throbbing. Pain. Sent doctor appointment request last night. Hope to hear back from them this morning. Need ear drops. I could feel it coming all day yesterday. Hurting in my jaw, making me cranky. I know my ear holes. I know when they need the meds.

Made my roast, came out nice. Was very happy but sadly had little appetite all day. Didn't have energy to do much around the house either. Weather was false sun. You'd go outside thinking it was warm and nope. Today is supposed to be nicer. Let's see if it is. 

3 more hours before I would hear anything from my doctor at the earliest.

ANA Y3 D327

Happy Lich King Day.

Went to the store already. Doing a roast for tonight and needed the veggies.

Cleaned house. Watched Wrestlemania. Not much else.

ANA Y3 D326

Had a rough night. Got up at 12:30am took NyQuil and had to turn on the AC. Time to switch to a lighter blanket. Day was pretty good. Had a few meetings, had some outside time, went on a walk. Friend came over to watch a movie and he brought root beer float fixings. Was a nice night. 

Raining right now so nothing immediately planned other than house cleaning.

ANA Y3 D325

Finally coming out of this cold. I can breathe out my left nostril finally. Hurray! My throat is still a little sore. But overall I am recovering. Nothing exciting here. Made fried chicken sandwiches for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed early to get the rest. Weather is finally going to be nice today. I see a walk in our future!

ANA Y3 D324

One of my actual friends reached out to me yesterday to see how I was holding up from everything. I will tell you all the same thing I told her, after having a couple days to reflect on everything, I get it. We are fundamentally different people. But you know what? That's okay. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is. I tried to fit into a world that isn't right for me. That doesn't mean I am broken or something is wrong with me. We have different life experiences that have shaped us to be different people. Online we shared enough high level interests that we were able to have a friendship. In practice, we approach life from two different places and don't mesh. I identified four instances from Saturday that highlighted this. Technically I did suggest breaking and entering twice, I stole silverware, and I tried to get us on a tour bus. Taken individually these things wouldn't seem so bad but to all happen in a 13 hour window? Sure I get it. Your moral compass doesn't align with mine. Now to be fair, C would have been on board with at least three of those activities. She hates when I steal silverware too but finds it endearing not horrible person level. There were other little things too that came out that showcased our differences. I would wander off while we were at museums. I also felt judged about my choices in purchases. Things I looked at were deemed "clutter" where as for her the things she looked at were fine. Nope. Let it be a lesson learned and let's move forward. But to my friend who reached out - thank you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

I did in fact take a sick day yesterday. Got a good midday block of sleep in. Not 100% but feel better. Throat is still scratchy and nose stopped up. But I will get through by the weekend I am hoping. No plans for this weekend so I will get rest in. I did do laundry yesterday and made chicken fried rice for dinner. I may be sick but my pack needs to eat! 

More paperwork today. Whee!

ANA Y3 D323

I am still stinging from what went down. To go from talking to someone nearly every day to nothing has been rough. Add to everything I am really sick. Achy, sneezing, stopped up nose, the works. I am taking an actual sick day today and going to park my ass on the couch. Watch bad tv and do nothing guilt free. 

I did mostly paperwork and research yesterday. Of course I also rehashed the whole weekend in my head a 1000 times. Meh. I have to accept I will never fit in.

ANA Y3 D322

I am posting today with a heavy heart. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true. My "friend" has decided that after spending two days with me that we are "fundamentally different people and it's best that moving forward we maintain a professional relationship only". Basically I got friend broken up with yesterday. That hurts. A lot. I am not going to lie. I guess for the last year that we've known each other, being online friends was at just the right level of surface stuff that it worked, but being in person changed the dynamic. I don't know what she means by "fundamentally different people" but at the same time I do. We're at different life stages, different attitudes towards things, different value and belief systems. Much of which rose to the surface. I know I can be challenging to be around in person. I get it. I was just hoping to know what it was like to just be "normal" I guess? To have a mundane regular friendship with someone? All this does is show me that no matter what I do I will never fit in with the standard straight CIS woman experience. For example she was more getting into all the bachelorette parties going on around us and a couple of times about things she said "oh come on, we all went through that phase of xyz". Well no, we all didn't go through that phase. I wish I had, but I didn't. She's a standard Catholic girl with a loving family, a husband, who talks to her parents every day. Me? I'm a recluse who hates noise and people. Part of me wants to be that kind of person who spends their weekends working on home projects with their spouse and having dinners with the parents and all those regular old things. But it will never happen. I will also be the trauma influenced tranny desperately looking to make a connection. We have very different attitudes towards money, morals, ethics, etc and again, it all came to the surface being together like we were. I tried my best to be just a regular person, but I never will be. So yeah this hurts.

ANA Y3 D321

Two day update:

We got up early Saturday morning as planned. I was up at 4,  woke my friend up at 6. We went and had some really good pancakes. It was nice being up and out that early. The city felt so much different at that time of day. Much like Vegas in the early morning. All weekend I kept flashing back to Vegas. Nashville truly is the redneck Vegas. As I look back on the weekend I see how much everything in that area is about being drunk and spending money. We saw people already drunk by 10am both days. At 9, we went to the Hall of Fame. VERY cool. Saw some really fun and neat things. Then we went to Hattie B's for chicken. Long ass line, again, booze being poured everywhere. Even though we waited in line, the food delivered. Worth the wait and I don't say that often. We then went to the Gibson garage where LS Dunes happened to be doing a meet and greet. We just stumbled on that. Did some shopping then back to the hotel for a quick honk shoo. From there dinner. Dinner was good but not incredible. Definitely good though. Around 9pm we both decided it was time to head home.

Drove all night. The last two hours were rough. Got home around 6am and crashed for 2 hours. I realized midday I was getting a cold. Got everything unpacked and had a quiet day with C. We had dinner, watched TV, and I went to bed around 10 to try and sleep off the cold. Feeling better this morning but not 100%. 

Not sure what's on the calendar this week. 

ANA Y3 D320

I am home in one piece. More tomorrow.

ANA Y3 D319

I am here and having the time of my life. I was in the car as planned by 5:30. With a couple of stops to pee and get gas, I got here around 1pm. My friend arrived no more than 10 minutes after me. It was perfect. They luckily had a room ready for us. We are on the top floor overlooking all of downtown Nashville. I am typing this on the new laptop and am not used to the keyboard yet. Forgive typos today.

We got unpacked and hit the town. We went to the Johnny Cash museum, had BBQ, had milkshakes, end up in honky tonk lane, saw so many people and so many sights. We were back at the hotel by 9, passed out at 10.

Off to breakfast in a couple hours then the country music hall of fame awaits!!

ANA Y3 D318

I am up at soon I will be in the car headed to TN BABY! WOO! I am so excited for this trip it's not even funny. Got my hair and nails done yesterday. Cleaned the house for C. OMG I need this so bad.

ANA Y3 D317

There is snow covering the ground out there. Seriously. It started around 9pm last night. I give up.

I neded up buying a new laptop last night. I should be more excited but it really was a utilitarian purchase not an emotional one. My 7 year old laptop is struggling. I have mentioned this before. Battery issues, drive issues. I have been watching Microcenter for sales. Yesterday a $2000 Omen was on sale for $1100. With all the tarriff bullshit going down I had to make the hard decision of buy or not. I knew I would kick myself in the ass if six months from now the old one died on the road and a new one set me back $3000. I bit the bullet and bought it.

More holes in my yard. All day construction. In less than 24 hours I will be enroute to TN. I can survive another 24 hours. I have to.

ANA Y3 D316

I was right, sort of. First off, I spelled nicked wrong yesterday. Sue me. So at 5:30 in the morning I was looking up phone numbers, waking people up, being frantic thinking my house was flooding. Nope. These morons ended up leaving something exposed that they shouldn't have and froze the pipe leading into the house. Poor C had to call in because she couldn't get ready for work. I was unable to shower all day. I brushed my teeth with water from my water bottle. I need out of here. Friday cannot come soon enough. Then once they got water flowing again, because they had messed with the pipes so much we had mud in the line. I had to flush the entire system. It was insane. At the end of the day they had crews in my yard until 6pm digging a second hole, covering the first, and blocking us in until almost 7pm. Fall 2025 this will all be complete. God help us.

In other news the world is still falling apart, people are pissed off, and who knows if we will make it to fall. Joy.

ANA Y3 D315

We have no water this morning. Was working fine at 11pm. I have been running around the house looking for leaks, making emergency phone calls, nothing. I have no idea what is going on. I have been on the phone, waking people up, checking every inch of the house, no sound of water, no signs of water. It has to be outside. The gas people dug a hole in my yard last night and I have a feeling they knicked something. I will know more in an hour or so. This is fucking crazy.

ANA Y3 D314

Another week. It wasn't a bad day yesterday. Nothing exciting but not bad either. Made mexican combo platters for dinner. Washed sheets. Cleaned house. 4 days and I am OUT OF HERE. Making it through the week, just making it through the week.

ANA Y3 D313

Guess what? It's going to SNOW this week. So done with this.

The world is falling apart by the way. I am so done with everything. Just done.

ANA Y3 D312

My ears are bugging me today. Weather changed AGAIN. Going to be in the 40s today. The gas people are right next door with their hole digging. We get a few more days reprieve before they start digging up my yard. But next week I will have a hole. Just have to survive a few more days before I can leave. Taught all day. Finished around 5:30. Made food. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D311

It's always something isn't it? The toilet backed up, had to get a new plunger, fixed that, taught all day, made dinner, cleaned up the house did this did that. My emotional labor is through the roof. Don't get a break. Never get a break.

ANA Y3 D310

It was nowhere near the severity they predicted. What a shock, eh? We did get some heavy rain. I had friends with tornados miles from their houses but here? Meh. Still under a flood watch but it's not doing much of anything. The dog spent the day barking at thunder. Lights flickered a couple of times but that was it. Teach the next two days. Then it's weekend. Only 8 days until I am out of here!

ANA Y3 D309

We are under a severe flood watch from rain and snow all day. Going to start any minute and go until this time tomorrow. There goes my basement.

Boring day. Worked on admin stuff, made tuna for dinner. Watched some TV, went to bed.

ANA Y3 D308

Slept like absolute shit last night. We went to bed at 10, I tossed and turned until after midnight, woke up again at 3, woke up at 5:20 to my alarm, fell back to sleep until 6. It's freezing outside. My ears are killing me.

Did some analytics work yesterday. Compiled data from contracts and showed it's not worth it for us to change one of our providers for work. Got to build a dashboard and everything. You know, the stuff I teach other people how to do. Make coconut chicken for dinner. Played V rising. A lot of it. Went to bed.