ANA Y4 D333

Scream

I am back home. Honestly the drive home wasn't too bad until I got 1 mile from my exit. It took me about 45 minutes to get to my exit AND THEN 20 MINUTES to get off the freeway and home. Like WTF? I was fine all the way until that last stretch. I may need to find an alternate route once I get back near home. Regardless, I am happy to be home. I unpacked, set up my new home workstation, and gave my pack big hugs.

I met with 9 more people yesterday. I seriously did more socializing this week than I have in the last six months. I have two more meetings today but then it will calm down a bit. I also got to take a tour of our internal machine tools plant. That was actually really cool. It was a very interesting look at the how things are done. 

I also made dinner when I got home. That's going to be the hard part M-W. Working, driving, and taking care of the house. It's going to tire me out. But it will work out. It has to. 

ANA Y4 D332

Day two of silence. Are we headed for a record? Is it because I am not at home? Is it because I am gainfully employed and doing something for the first time in over a year? Time will tell.

Day 2 was both calmer and yet more exhausting than day one. I met with so many people and took so many notes. I also spent the day trying to get my computer in a state that was usable for me. By that I mean the same kind of stuff I would do with any new computer. Set things the way I want, change layouts, etc BUT as I feared I am limited. For example there are three icons I literally cannot delete off the desktop. I fucking hate that. Like every damn IT department I have ever dealt with, if you're not in IT you must be an idiot. Which is frustrating given that my group has some of the smartest people I have ever met in it. But no, we're too stupid to be allowed admin access to our own machines. Pisses me off. Of course I will grin and bear it because it was day two, but ask me how I feel on day 200. Went to dinner with the friend of C who got me into the company. That was fun.

I miss my pack and I can't wait to go home tonight. I am going to squish their little faces so hard. 

ANA Y4 D331

Silence.

Well I did it. I made it through my first day. It was a long day. I was up at 4:30, left the house around 6:15 and got there a couple minutes after 7. I feel like I am living back in California and have a standard commute again. Thanks, I hate it. It wasnt bad, just long. But if we do it short term, fine. Regardless, I got there in one piece and stopped first at the grocery store to get some snacks and a drink. Went in to HR around 8:45. I didn't do full HR orientation as they do that on Tuesdays. I will do all that today. I just got my i9 information verfied and got my badge. Around 9, I went over to my building and from there spent the rest of the day with my new boss being given the firehose of information. I am officially part of the "Control Engineering" group. There are roughly 15 of us on this team. I spent the entire day learning more than I ever wanted or needed to know about the business. Honestly so much of what was dumped on me is stuff that really is irrelevant to my actual job but was still interesting to know. It does give me context for things, but it was a lot. See he is out the rest of this week and I think he wanted to just give as much info as he could. I did learn things about him which will help with knowing how to work with him and what his expectations are. I learned he is autistic and that most of the people in our group are neurodivergent. In other words, my kind of people. He did take me to lunch with other folks on the team. He has 4 direct reports including me, one of whom is a manager with 9 direct reports. So right now I am technically 2 down from the top of the chain. He reports into the EVP and I report into him. I don't have any "manager" level in between me and leadership essentially. That makes me happy because it means my voice will be heard by actual decision makers. It also means I am very exposed and have to give my best. Lunch was okay. We went to a mexican place that we also have near us so I knew what to expect. Again, it was okay. I am not a huge fan but it worked. I headed out around 4:30pm and got to the hotel around 4:45. From there I ordered pizza for dinner. I will be bringing some to the office today for lunch. I need to figure out where a fridge is this morning. Today after HR and all day tomorrow, he has scheduled meetings for me with other department heads so I can introduce myself and learn about their needs.

I will say I think I will enjoy it here. It's just the commute that's going to kill me. 

ANA Y4 D330

Well here it is. My first day back in an office. My head is screaming and I am anxious. But let's do this! I have to shower, load up the car and get rolling. I am axcited and scared all at the same time. I didn't do much of anything yesterday. Just enjoyed my last day off. Let's see how this goes. This is going to be my place of work hopefully for the next 10 years. This is going to change things. A new adventure awaits!

ANA Y4 D329

This is it. My last day. My head is back which surprises me a bit to be honest. I was expecting it to stay gone. Interesting.

Did laundry, towels, sheets. Packed for this week. Friend dropped by unplanned ended up staying for dinner. Not much else going on. 

ANA Y4 D328

Silence.What if all this was job and stress related? What if it goes away now that I am starting this new job? How messed up is that?

 Had therapy yesterday. Got to share my happy news. Managed to get a walk in before it started raining. Went to have pizza with a friend to celebrate my new job but sadly the place was packed with a line out the door. Ended up at one of our favorite ramen places instead. Had a good time.

Standard Saturday chores today. With the added bonus of packing for next week. Only two more days!! 

ANA Y4 D327

Mostly silent. A little residual but nothing unbearable.

Paid all the bills last night. That was it. We would not have made it any longer. I have $1k coming from unemployment to help me on the 8th when I only get a half check, but I need a paycheck coming in. This was down to the wire. But we did it. We didn't argue. We didn't freak out either.

I was just having the weirdest dream. Elevators, schools, being late, cars - all recurring themes in my dreams. Anxiety about starting a new job? Anxiety about everything? Maybe. Desire to change? Probably. Desire to be free? Definitely.

Last three days of being irresponsible. Woo. 

ANA Y4 D326

As expected, silence. Hit yesterday. This is what keeping track of data allows - pattern recognition. If I can see the pattern I can learn to live with it? Maybe?

Dog of course stopped limping. She was fine all day because why wouldn't she be? I also learned yesterday that when a new hire starts it triggers a bunch of automated emails. So people already know about me and are asking questions. But the upside is I found out I am getting an office!! I was prepared for cubicle life, but nope, I get an office with a small window! On the negative, apparently new hires pictures and bios are put on TVs all around the different buildings. I am less thrilled about that. They're only supposed to stay up for like a month but some stay up longer if there's nothing new to bump them off. I do not want to walk around and see my face everywhere. I am used to being invisible. The name spoken in whispers. Now? Front and damn center. Okay. We will make it work.

I also did some deep dive research yesterday on what to do with my lease. Bottom line? I am keeping my car. I am going to put a ton of miles on it in the next six months but then nothing. But the real issue is there is nothing comparable in my price range that makes it worth it. No hybrid big enough. No crossover with the same features cheap enough. The only one that comes close is a Volvo which doesn't get that much better gas mileage AND prices out to $62k. For a Volvo!! I will just keep mine for the next 10 years and be happy. Smart thing to do.

I mowed the front yard yesterday morning. We're the only house in the immediate section with a fresh mow. Ha! Everyone else looks raggedy except ours. Take that neighbords! Might do the back today. Spent a good deal of time outside too. Just sitting in the sun. Oh how I have missed you sun. 

ANA Y4 D325

Head is still screaming, dog is still limping. Not happy. I took her to the vet yesterday and got an all clear but then she started limping again in the evening. I left a message at the vet. We shall see. Five more days and I start my new job!

ANA Y4 D324

Still screaming. I had expected it to break today. Hmm. The pattern is one day off. Interesting.

Got my final confirmation of hire yesterday. I am officially an employee! My new boss is also putting a blurb about me in the "Engineering Newsletter". WTF? There are so many things I am going to have to get used to again working in office and in a real company. No more just being a whispered name in the dark. People will like want to talk to me. Ew. I sent my no thank you emails to two other companies yesterday. That felt pretty good. No thanks, I have a job! Take that suckers!

Did laundry. Made vet appointment for her paws. Dealt with work. Made salmon for dinner. Few more days of peace then it's back to the grind for 3650 days of my life. 

ANA Y4 D323

Been up and going at it for a while now. New boss sent me email over weekend apologizing for not getting back sooner. He confiirmed a few things and I am glad I read it. There's a discrepancy in the start date. HR wants Tuesday 4/28, he wants Monday 4/27. He will get back to me soon. He also told me they are getting me a 27" 4k monitor, a work phone, and they offer a $150 shoe credit for the floor through Grainger!! I sent off a reply to him, turned down the other two interviews, and am now waiting for a week. 

Took doggo outside. She isn't limping any more but I still want vet to check her. Waiting for their phone call. They don't open until 9am sadly. 

I just quickly looked at Grainger's site. Holy crap! So many choices of cute work boots and shoes!! I am so excited.

New pans will be here by Wednesday. This should be a good week. Head still screaming though. Oh well. 

ANA Y4 D322

Scream. Pattern holding.

Quiet day. C is working ALL weekend so we didn't do much. Add to it that it's raining and well, not much going on. Doggo is still hurt. I called the vet to see her this week. Did laundry. Cleaned. Played games. 

ANA Y4 D321

I think I will rename starting in the new year. This chapter is over. Oh, still screaming btw. If the pattern holds, I should be silent tomorrow. Let's see.

Well here's another twist; at 4:48pm I got a request for another interview at another company. When it rains, it pours. I didn't decline because I haven't received 100% go from Dart yet. I don't think anyone was in the office yesterday to reply. I am hoping I hear back from them on Monday. Then I will cancel my Tuesday, decline this other one, and look forward to starting.

We had some drama last night. Doggo had a small piece of glass in her paw pad. She was limping. We were able to rinse it out but now she's on medical watch. No running, no rough housing. If she isn't improved by Monday, off to the vet we go. As long as we don't see blood or pus coming out of it, we can wait until then. However if when she gets up this morning I see anything, then I will take her somewhere today. Fun eh?

Other than dog drama, there shoudn't be anything on my plate today. Laundry, cleaning and typical Saturday stuff is the agenda. 

ANA Y4 D320

Scream.

I wasn't feeling good last night. I fell asleep at like 7:30pm. Got back up at 9 to brush my teeth and went right back to bed. My stomach is all crampy. Plus I was feeling exhausted. I think the rush of the last few days finally caught up with me. 

I did my drug test yesterday. As of 1pm the online portal showed everything as complete for background. I am going to email this morning and make sure we are green light for me to start on the 28th. If I get a positive response, then I can relax for 10 days. No more job hunting, no more stressing. I just need a final confirmation. I will still apply to two more jobs so I can claim one last round of unemployment. That $1000 buffer will hold me until I can get my first paycheck at Dart. 

Made tuna for dinner. Doing lamb shwarma tonight.  

ANA Y4 D319

Scream, which doesn't make sense. Or at least it continues to rule out mental? Why because I really have nothing to be stressed about. At 9:40am yesterday I got an email from HR asking if they could call me. Um duh? Now the fact they wanted to call was positive. If they couldn't meet my number at all, they would have just sent an email. Either they met my number OR they got close and were going to sell me on the company. Well guess what? They met my number baby!

They re-tiered the position to make it "Staff Engineer" which according to my internal contact is the highest non-reporting level one can get before moving to a manager with reports role. He is very excited because it also means he gets the max referral bonus of $2k. Good for him!! I spent the day doing paperwork. Took care of all my onboarding. Submitted the background check. All that's left is the drug test this morning at 8am. I am leaving soon for that. Once that is done and both the background and drug come back clean, I am officially a new hire! My start date will be 4/28. Which means that I get about 11 days where I have no stress or worries. I am going to still apply for jobs so I can claim unemployment for these last two weeks off. That will be some bridge money in case I don't get a full paycheck for a while. Plus I will still have about $3000 in savings. 

I am not worried about the drug but who knows what will come up in the background. Nothing I hope, but again, who knows? I just want a green light. I do have a second round interview with The Hartford next week but if everything looks good, I may cancel it. While they will pay more money, we talked about it last night and the truth is, I would probably be bored. I have spent the last six years stuck in this house. Do I really want to keep that up? Do I really want to deal with insurance reporting for the next 10 years? Over time I will get where I want with salary because now I will be at a company that does actual merit increases. It will take 1-2 years to beat my past salary and 5 to beat Hartford, but so what? At least along the way I will be having fun. Plus we need to move. This is the path to us moving. We get out of this house and into something smaller that's ours not mine. 

Please send all the good vibes, prayers, magic, and voodoo that nothing disrupts this. 

ANA Y4 D318

Silence.

Yesterday was insane. We dealt with an ant invasion in the kitchen. I got all the paperwork from Dart but then an email saying they are working on the number so I am still in limbo. We took the dog for a walk and almost melted. Honestly I guess that's it? It just seemed way more intense when it was all going on. I really need to hear back today to know what the situation is. I am a ball of anxiety. I did go through all the paperwork and my benefits will be good. I will be on BCBS instead of UHC. But I can keep the same prescription service. More importantly, my monthly contribution towards insurance will go down $300 a month. The advantage of working for a big company. I was paying $400 out of pocket before and my new plan will be $122 a month. That makes up for some of the potential salary deficit. 80 hours of vacation in the first year, possibly more if they change the job tier to accomodate my salary. Same dental and vision plans, just cheaper. Tentative start date of 3/28 based on drug test and background check. I don't expect to have any issue with either of those. I just need to hear back today. I am going crazy.

ANA Y4 D317

Scream.

Well, I have good news and I have bad news. Good news, I got an offer. Bad news, it was WAY too low. Like 2009 numbers low. So I am technically in the negotiation phase. I am hoping to hear a revised number today. Even with the revised number I am not stopping my interviews with other companies. They are still offering more. We shall see what happens over the next 24-48 hours. 

ANA Y4 D316

Still screaming.

On the positive side, the weather is nice. We went on a three mile walk yesterday. Went out for fro-yo. Pulled out the blackstone for dinner. Something to be happy about. Did laundry. C had a hair appointment. Was a decent day except for my head. 

ANA Y4 D315

Back to screaming. I had a full 24 hours of silence. It was beautiful. But alas, here we are again.

Did laundry. Took dog for walk. Made a pork tenderloin for dinner.  

ANA Y4 D314

Silence.

For once I have real things to share. Had a fun time outside the house last night. We took a friend to K-pot for dinner. It wasn't horribly busy either which was nice. After dinner we came back here for cake and socializing. Was good to interact and have time away. Before we left though I got an email from yet another company wanting to do an interview next week. Nice way to end the week for sure! This means I now have three BIG companies interested in me. I can do this. I can make it. I have to make it. 

ANA Y4 D313

Silence.

Couldn't sleep. Went to bed around 10:30, got up 11:45, stayed up until 1:45. Did bills. Sat around all day stressed and waiting. This is my life and it's ending one minute at a time.

ANA Y4 D312

Still screaming still waiting. Nothing to do but stress. Nothing to do but go insane.

ANA Y4 D311

Scream.

Interview went well but...

They are a huge, old company. There will be at least two more rounds of interviews plus a case study round. Which means this will take weeks. I don't have weeks. I am running out of options. I am running out of money. It's a really good fit too. It's a perfect role for me. I just don't know if I can wait them out.

Made salmon for dinner. Whee. 

ANA Y4 D310

Scream. Which really sucks because I have another interview this morning. I was doing my daily applications and I applied for a job at The Hartford. Within two hours they had reached out for an interview. This is a job right up my alley. Something to get excited about. Director level, fully remote, solid company. I do not want to make a bad first impression. I have got to push down everything going on in my head. I need this fucking job. Like now.

ANA Y4 D309

Scream. It kicked back in around 10am yesterday and hasn't stopped. The mental dread of another monday? The impending doom on the horizon?

We had a slow morning and then headed to C's sister's around 1. Got there a little after 3 as we had to stop twice for the dog. Hung out until 8pm and got home around 10. It was a quiet time just visiting. Nothing exciting.

Please send me all the good vibes this week. I need them. 

ANA Y4 D308

Still quiet. Last night I went to go to bed around 11pm and realized I just wasn't tried yet. Instead I ended up staying up until 1:30am. Best decision ever. I slept HARD and solid. I think that's why silence. Sleep is the one definable factor in all this.

Had hair appointment yesterday. Did laundry. Made chili cheese dogs for dinner.

Visiting C's family later in the day. 

ANA Y4 D307

Silence. Bless. I am noticing a trend in severity. I can almost predict when the silence will come. More data points are needed but I might have some additional clues.

Didn't do much yesterday. Binged a TV show C doesn't care about. 

Hair appointment today. 

ANA Y4 D306

 Still screaming.

 My interview went well. Sadly they have one more candidate to interview next week. Which means I won't be at the top of their minds. I think I did well and hope it gets me the job. We shall see. The drive was okay. It would have been better if it wasn't raining. All I can do is hope and pray. 

ANA Y4 D305

Screaming. Not today. Please god, not today. I am about to leave for my interview in 2 hours. Fuck me.

ANA Y4 D304

Back to the screams. Slept like absolute shit last night. Don't know why. Couldn't fall asleep to save my life. Done with all this. Just want to go away. I want to be done with everything.