ANA Y4 D248

Okay, my head is back. Which of course leads to the question of "Why?". What did I do different last night that I didn't do the previous nights? What did I eat? Need to figure this out.

I was productive yesterday. Signed my term papers to get my severance check rolling. You know, this is the first time I have been laid off where my check wasn't ready to go. So fucking weird. Regardless, it's in the works and I should get it next week. That's fine by me. I also applied for unemployment. It's not a lot, but it can go straight into savings and buy me some buffer. It's 25% of my salary. Oh well. It's money. I also reached out to six old clients letting them know I was available. Three replied indicating that they might have some contract work for me. I also expanded my linkedin network by five people and directly touched base with them. Lastly, I directly applied for two jobs. I plan on applying for 2-3 more today. At least 10 a week minimum. I was going to do more, but the unemployment office needs to see regular applications so I don't want to shoot my shot all at once. I will keep on keeping on.

Made char siu pork last night. Came out pretty good to be honest. Did it with a steam bath to keep it nice and moist. Still no update on C's car. I am hoping to hear something today or tomorrow. This cold is still kicking my butt a little. Throat is better but am made purely of snot right now. 

Time to do morning stuff and apply for jobs. 

ANA Y4 D247

Still silent. A little blip yesterday for two hours, but otherwise, all good. Again, let's be honest. This all started in Jan of 25 when I was told my job would be on the line. Ever since then I have been struggling. Now that is gone and oh look, my head is clearning up. What a fucking shock.

I have been up for a while. I took care of signing my final term papers and applied for unemployment. It's going to be 25% of my salary so that's going straight to savings every week. At the very least I will build up a buffer in my savings over the next three months. My goal for this week is to apply to at least 5 jobs per day. That's 100 jobs in Feb. All I need is one. I am also going to be working my network. Today's other goal is to reach out to old customers and see if they have something for me. I figure it won't hurt and it keeps my network going.

We didn't do much of anything yesterday. This cold is kicking my butt. I had no energy yesterday. 10 years ago if I felt like this I would be like "oh it's a cold no big deal". Now though I have to worry if it's covid or if it will turn worse because I am old and the world sucks. We did go to the store last night and got tea, juice, soup, and nyquil. I will kick it. 

Off to send emails and apply for jobs. Wish me luck!! 

ANA Y4 D246

It came back yesterday, but am silent now. But I now have a cold. My throat is killing me. My nose is stopped up. I can't win can I?

Did laundry, made dinner, had no energy. Went to bed at 9 with nyquil in me. Need more. 

ANA Y4 D245

Still silent. We all know it was my job, right?

Yesterday was a bit surreal. I had my final 1 on 1 at 1pm but until then, there was really nothing for me to do. Like nothing. It was during this time I recently how workplace institutionalized I am. What do you mean I don't have to open outlook or teams? What do you mean I don't have to put timesheets in? Monday is going to be very weird. I have had the same routine, even when "off" for a long fucking time.

I had therapy in the morning and got to work through some of my feelings. The biggest of course is anger. Anger at myself. Anger for not being in a better position where I didn't have to go back to work for a while. I get C's feelings of being trapped. I don't want to keep doing what I have been doing, but I don't have a choice. Period. I am not sad about losing my job. My job isn't the definition of who I am. It was and always will be a means to an end. But I am mad. I am mad that once more I am starting over. 

C was in a better mood too. She needed to get all that off her chest on Thursday and it helped. I think we're both in a better place to move forward.

ANA Y4 D244

Still riding the rollercoaster, but at least my head is quiet. Progress?

The dealer called again yesterday. While having the car in the shop to change the tires, another vehicle hit a patch of ice and hit the car. I know. Now they have to replace the bumper and it won't be ready until next week. Seriously. BUT they did give us a loaner. At least we are a two car household again. C hates the car they gave her but I don't care. It's a car. I don't have to drive her any more. We will get her actual car when we get it. She is losing it. This is too many things at once for her. For me, it's life as usual sadly. Got my final paycheck. Have to pay bills this morning. Next week I get my severance. Going straight into savings. Did some networking yesterday. Hopefully Feb will be my month. 

ANA Y4 D243

Scream.

Well, yesterday was a rollercoaster to say the least. In the morning I went down to take care of the car. I walked in pre-approved for 60 months at 7.84. The manager saw that and was confident he could beat. He said if you're at least 700, I can beat that by a point. Well, turns out I am 730 and he beat it by a point and a half. I got the car out the door for 17,600 at 6.34%. Not too bad. I put 2,000 down giving C a payment of $300 a month.  Took about three hours, but we got it done. During final inspection they found an issue with one of the tires not matching the others and one that was borderline tire wear. They're replacing the two ties and we're picking it up tonight. At least one thing will be resolved. So that was my morning...

At 4:30pm I was officially laid off. The effective date is 2/2 and that's when I will get my severance check. I get three months cash, three months insurance, and three months paid career counseling. Okay, I will take it. I am both scared and relieved to be honest. With unemployment and severance I should be good for about 4 months. On Monday I will look in earnest for something new. Right now, I just want to get through the next few days without losing my mind.

C is of course stressed. I don't blame her. I will figure it out. I have to. Failure is not an option. Death sadly is not an option. 

ANA Y4 D242

Day 5.

We tried again to get her car.  On Tuesdays and Wednesdays they close at 6. WTF? So I am going this morning to get it done. I already have preapproval from my bank. We decided to do it through my bank. We both submitted it to our banks. Her rate? 13.8. Mine, 7.8. No brainer. I will do it through mine and she will make the payment. $300 a month. Yes, I trust her to make the payment. Yes, I trust her to deal with it. Plus this way my credit gets better. I wanted her to do it for that reason alone, but the rate difference is too much. This is the first time I can walk into a dealer with everything pre-approved and ready to go. The power is in my hands, not the dealers. The salesperson knows this which is why they are like sorry we're closed. They aren't going to make any real money off us. But it makes it nice for me. We got halfway there when C texted them to say we were on our way and that's when they were like well we close in 12 minutes. Fuck you. 

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will tell you about a successful deal. 

ANA Y4 D241

 Scream.

We went and looked at our a car for C last night. Sort of.  First off, I knew MI had blue laws still which means no car buying on Sundays. I didn't realize that dealers close fucking early too. We got there at 7:55 and they were closing for the night. What the fuck?? We got to look at the exterior of the car only. We have to go back tonight after work to actually drive it. We found her a 2023 Hyundai Elentra with 12k miles on it for $16.5. That will last her quite a while. It's a good solid car. Looks like a lease turn in to me. Or an employee car. Either way, good mileage, good year, decent price. Cheaper than the Jeep I got for B. We got home and C immediately went online to her bank to get pre-approval and start the process. We're going to put 20% down which should keep the payment reasonable for her. What struck me most about this was how we worked as a team to find it. *I* didn't do everything. We did it together. We went together. We're making the decision together. Means a lot to me. I wish we could have dealt with it last night, but we're one step closer to a solution. Hopefully we go back tonight earlier and we can drive it and have this resolved. 

ANA Y4 D240

Still snowing, still screaming. Happy Straya Day.

Nothing of any interest. We stayed inside. We didn't do anything. This is my life. 

ANA Y4 D239

Still screaming.

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever really known