Scream.
Finished revamping my script code yesterday. It works and I am in compliance with company standards. Good way to end week 3. Did my laundry so one less thing for today. C took care of a leaking tire. Got her new meds too. Slept poorly.
Raining right now but it better stop as we have a concert tonight! Hell's Belles at a small club. Very excited about it.
Scream
Well Cat has a new machine. $2300 we didn't have but we figured it out because that's what we do. Now she has the nicest machine in the house. AMD Ryzen, 5070ti. I went to bed while she was still setting it up.
I broke down yesterday. Everything finally caught up with me and I just had a good crying session. Very cathartic. On the workfront, I got OpenAI access yesterday. Big hurdle crossed. Had a vendor meeting. Did emails. Business business business.
Week three of 520 almost done.
Silence so far.
Cat's machine died last night. Like dead dead. No boot, no beep, no nothing. It's just dead. We don't have the money right now to buy her a new one. I don't know what we're going to do. This is so fucked up.
Work was fine.
Scream. Yesterday's silence turned into scream too.
Busy day yesterday. I made progress in my attempts to get data. I set a meeting with a vendor to understand their stuff. I dealt with IT.
Silence
Nothing exciting to report. Went to work. Worked on stuff came home. Made chicken sammiches for dinner. Went to bed.
Silence
Quiet day. Did the rest of the laundry. Spent time outside with doggo. Ate through all the leftovers in the fridge for dinner. Nothing exciting but nothing bad either. Time to go to the styrofoam mines.
Still screaming.
I had an incredibly busy day yesterday. Took the dog to the groomers, did towels, did my laundry, mowed the front yard, made ribs, took apart the kitchen faucet, replaced the diverter in the shower. I guess that's it. Felt like more.
Today I have to mow the backyard. Whee.
Back to screaming.
Good day yesterday. Wrote my second AI python app. It now scans a TMDL file and returns back a data dictionary. Not too shabby. I also scheduled a meeting with the head of analytics on the other side of the company.
We had thai for dinner. Watched some tv. Today is groomer day for doggo, laundry, and lawn mowing. Whee.
Silence
Got my first "paycheck" today. Half a check. But it was $130 more than a half a check would have been. That difference in insurance really does make a difference. I won't know for sure until the 22nd when I get a full check, but it still makes me happy today.
I had a rough day yesterday. My head wouldn't let up no matter what. Made it hard to focus and function. Somehow I still managed to write a Python app that called a local LLM, scanned a directory, read the .DOC and .PDF files, read the first 4000 characters, and gave a 1-2 line summary which it dumped into a CSV file. I am going to use this as a starting point to read the current models out in the environment and tell me what data sources and tables are being used. Not bad for week 2, eh? If I get the new code working I will feel pretty good for where I am. Next week I will meet with the DBAs and ask for access based on my findings.
I also managed to replace the diverter in the shower. That still needs some work. Even though I got it replaced, the new one has a governor on it that is making the water "hot" but not hot enough for me. I need to take it all apart again, move the block over two notches, then reassemble. Hopefully this will put an end to my water issues. Hopefully.
For dinner I made chicken parm. I also went to the grocery store last night. We're good until next payday is my hope. We might get lean towards the end, but we will figure it out. Watched some tv and went to bed. I am less tired this week which is good. I think last week waking up at 3am in the hotel and then pushing through the days hurt me. At least now when I am home I get an extra bit of sleep. Not a lot. Sadly not on the weekend either. Tomorrow is dog groomer so I have to be up early for that.
Scream
Yesterday was crazy. As of right now, I technically have no boss. So some backstory. I haven't seen my actual boss since my first day. He was scheduled to be out that first week I started for an event. No big deal right? A few days on my on my own, meet people, get familiar. Well, his wife is sick and she ended up having surgery scheduled for Monday. It was supposed to be a simple surgery, out by Tuesday. He was planning to be back in the office yesterday. Yeah, no.
He popped his head into my office around 8am yesterday morning and this was clearly a man who hadn't slept in days. Surgery complications. She was still in the hospital. He is going to be out for at least another week. What I learned is when this happens and someone takes an official Leave of Absence, they fully shut you out. He has no email, no access. For the next week and a half, he doesn't exist. That means I now on paper report into the EVP. Who we all know doesn't really have time for me. I am on my own. This will be the ultimate test of my character. I am still plodding along learning things. I had my LOTO training yesterday. Lock Out Tag Out is the full name. Learning how to properly turn off machinery for safety. Those of us in these kind of positions actually get personalized locks. I also have meetings with other people scheduled. I am okay just find it funny. I did spend time yesterday writing an agent that scanned a directory, read the files in the directory and moved them to proper folders. That was kind of cool. I will spend more time on stuff like that today.
Got home around 5, made cheesesteaks for dinner. Home the next few days. Let's see what the rest of this week brings.
Silence
Yesterday was a rollercoaster. First I had to sit through this 90 minute town hall meeting with like 50+ people. There was at least seven different presenters and I swear I felt like a 10 year old in a college physics class. Just terms and things flying at me with me having zero understanding of what everything met. It was very overwhelming and frustrating. I spent a good chunk of the day trying to find every document on the internal sites to learn what all these things meant. I finally had a meeting with some data people in the afternoon and I even thanked them for speaking a language I finally understood. The day ended positively but man it was hard.
Came home, made burgers. I have only about 4 hours at home before I have to go to bed so I am trying to not to waste them but jeez it's hard. I am just so tired. Getting up at 4:30 isn't helping.
Let's do it again.
Scream. It came back during my drive to work which sucked.
Had a really boring ass day yesterday. Sat in my office and played with data models that are not all that good sadly. I have five hours of meetings today which will at least make the day go faster. I did take a slightly different route home which also helped. A litttle less traffic. Nothing else to report right now.
Silence
Back to the office I go. I am sleeping in REM cycles again. Waking up every two hours. It's annoying as hell. Had a quiet day yesterday. Didn't do much. C worked which screwed me up. I was confused all weekend. Cleaned the house.
I don't want to go.
Scream
More weird dreams. In one, my car had been stolen by these hillbillies who took one of the wheels off. In another I was being robbed on a plane. Theme much?
It was weird yesterday. C was home and has to work today which is backwards. I have to go back to the office tomorrow. I don't know. My brain is all over the place.
Scream
I had the most vivid and strange dream last night. I was on the moon. Living in a domed city. I was getting sushi with Kanye. There's more to it, but that was the overall theme. Very strange.
I worked yesterday and it was odd. Unlike before when I "worked" I actually felt the need to be right here next to my machine. I didn't get anything from anyone important but it was my first week and I wasn't going to be slacking off. But hey, I did it, I survived my first week. Only 519 to go.
Scream.
Made it through my first remote day. I also dealt with a plumbing issue. One thing that I think is going to frustrate me, and this would have been true regardless of job I took, is how much for granted I took being able to do multiple things during the day. Now I have actual people sending me emails. Now I have actual people reaching out to me via teams. For the last year my emails had dried up to one or two a week not an hour. It wasn't quite that bad yesterday, but I definitely felt like I had to be right here more than before. Plus way more meetings. I did sit through a ton of HR videos and stuff yesterday. I also got all my benefits done which kick in officially today. I have insurance again! Including life insurance. The company pays for 2x salary and I added an extra 50k on top of that. If something happens to me, I know C can at least pay off this house. Plus the kid gets enough to help towards her retirement. Oh, speaking of that, I can finally enroll in a 401k! Not a lot, but as long as I enroll, the company auto deposits money for me. Not just a match, but actual contribution! It's like an extra paycheck every year going straight into savings. I will take it!
The plumbing issue is a whole different story. I had them come back out to check the water heater. The problem is not there. Either the kitchen sink or the shower head has a stuck diverter allowing cold water to get into the hot water. Because the shower is more generic, I tackled that one first. Sadly the part I need is not in stock and won't be here until Sunday. I had to take the old one apart, figure out what I needed, order it, then put it all back together. Now I get to do the same thing on Sunday. This is what I mean by not having enough time to do what I want to do. But I will figure it out.
I am so looking forward to this weekend. Hair appointment on Sunday.
Scream
I am back home. Honestly the drive home wasn't too bad until I got 1 mile from my exit. It took me about 45 minutes to get to my exit AND THEN 20 MINUTES to get off the freeway and home. Like WTF? I was fine all the way until that last stretch. I may need to find an alternate route once I get back near home. Regardless, I am happy to be home. I unpacked, set up my new home workstation, and gave my pack big hugs.
I met with 9 more people yesterday. I seriously did more socializing this week than I have in the last six months. I have two more meetings today but then it will calm down a bit. I also got to take a tour of our internal machine tools plant. That was actually really cool. It was a very interesting look at the how things are done.
I also made dinner when I got home. That's going to be the hard part M-W. Working, driving, and taking care of the house. It's going to tire me out. But it will work out. It has to.
Day two of silence. Are we headed for a record? Is it because I am not at home? Is it because I am gainfully employed and doing something for the first time in over a year? Time will tell.
Day 2 was both calmer and yet more exhausting than day one. I met with so many people and took so many notes. I also spent the day trying to get my computer in a state that was usable for me. By that I mean the same kind of stuff I would do with any new computer. Set things the way I want, change layouts, etc BUT as I feared I am limited. For example there are three icons I literally cannot delete off the desktop. I fucking hate that. Like every damn IT department I have ever dealt with, if you're not in IT you must be an idiot. Which is frustrating given that my group has some of the smartest people I have ever met in it. But no, we're too stupid to be allowed admin access to our own machines. Pisses me off. Of course I will grin and bear it because it was day two, but ask me how I feel on day 200. Went to dinner with the friend of C who got me into the company. That was fun.
I miss my pack and I can't wait to go home tonight. I am going to squish their little faces so hard.
Silence.
Well I did it. I made it through my first day. It was a long day. I was up at 4:30, left the house around 6:15 and got there a couple minutes after 7. I feel like I am living back in California and have a standard commute again. Thanks, I hate it. It wasnt bad, just long. But if we do it short term, fine. Regardless, I got there in one piece and stopped first at the grocery store to get some snacks and a drink. Went in to HR around 8:45. I didn't do full HR orientation as they do that on Tuesdays. I will do all that today. I just got my i9 information verfied and got my badge. Around 9, I went over to my building and from there spent the rest of the day with my new boss being given the firehose of information. I am officially part of the "Control Engineering" group. There are roughly 15 of us on this team. I spent the entire day learning more than I ever wanted or needed to know about the business. Honestly so much of what was dumped on me is stuff that really is irrelevant to my actual job but was still interesting to know. It does give me context for things, but it was a lot. See he is out the rest of this week and I think he wanted to just give as much info as he could. I did learn things about him which will help with knowing how to work with him and what his expectations are. I learned he is autistic and that most of the people in our group are neurodivergent. In other words, my kind of people. He did take me to lunch with other folks on the team. He has 4 direct reports including me, one of whom is a manager with 9 direct reports. So right now I am technically 2 down from the top of the chain. He reports into the EVP and I report into him. I don't have any "manager" level in between me and leadership essentially. That makes me happy because it means my voice will be heard by actual decision makers. It also means I am very exposed and have to give my best. Lunch was okay. We went to a mexican place that we also have near us so I knew what to expect. Again, it was okay. I am not a huge fan but it worked. I headed out around 4:30pm and got to the hotel around 4:45. From there I ordered pizza for dinner. I will be bringing some to the office today for lunch. I need to figure out where a fridge is this morning. Today after HR and all day tomorrow, he has scheduled meetings for me with other department heads so I can introduce myself and learn about their needs.
I will say I think I will enjoy it here. It's just the commute that's going to kill me.
Well here it is. My first day back in an office. My head is screaming and I am anxious. But let's do this! I have to shower, load up the car and get rolling. I am axcited and scared all at the same time. I didn't do much of anything yesterday. Just enjoyed my last day off. Let's see how this goes. This is going to be my place of work hopefully for the next 10 years. This is going to change things. A new adventure awaits!
This is it. My last day. My head is back which surprises me a bit to be honest. I was expecting it to stay gone. Interesting.
Did laundry, towels, sheets. Packed for this week. Friend dropped by unplanned ended up staying for dinner. Not much else going on.
Silence.What if all this was job and stress related? What if it goes away now that I am starting this new job? How messed up is that?
Had therapy yesterday. Got to share my happy news. Managed to get a walk in before it started raining. Went to have pizza with a friend to celebrate my new job but sadly the place was packed with a line out the door. Ended up at one of our favorite ramen places instead. Had a good time.
Standard Saturday chores today. With the added bonus of packing for next week. Only two more days!!
Mostly silent. A little residual but nothing unbearable.
Paid all the bills last night. That was it. We would not have made it any longer. I have $1k coming from unemployment to help me on the 8th when I only get a half check, but I need a paycheck coming in. This was down to the wire. But we did it. We didn't argue. We didn't freak out either.
I was just having the weirdest dream. Elevators, schools, being late, cars - all recurring themes in my dreams. Anxiety about starting a new job? Anxiety about everything? Maybe. Desire to change? Probably. Desire to be free? Definitely.
Last three days of being irresponsible. Woo.
As expected, silence. Hit yesterday. This is what keeping track of data allows - pattern recognition. If I can see the pattern I can learn to live with it? Maybe?
Dog of course stopped limping. She was fine all day because why wouldn't she be? I also learned yesterday that when a new hire starts it triggers a bunch of automated emails. So people already know about me and are asking questions. But the upside is I found out I am getting an office!! I was prepared for cubicle life, but nope, I get an office with a small window! On the negative, apparently new hires pictures and bios are put on TVs all around the different buildings. I am less thrilled about that. They're only supposed to stay up for like a month but some stay up longer if there's nothing new to bump them off. I do not want to walk around and see my face everywhere. I am used to being invisible. The name spoken in whispers. Now? Front and damn center. Okay. We will make it work.
I also did some deep dive research yesterday on what to do with my lease. Bottom line? I am keeping my car. I am going to put a ton of miles on it in the next six months but then nothing. But the real issue is there is nothing comparable in my price range that makes it worth it. No hybrid big enough. No crossover with the same features cheap enough. The only one that comes close is a Volvo which doesn't get that much better gas mileage AND prices out to $62k. For a Volvo!! I will just keep mine for the next 10 years and be happy. Smart thing to do.
I mowed the front yard yesterday morning. We're the only house in the immediate section with a fresh mow. Ha! Everyone else looks raggedy except ours. Take that neighbords! Might do the back today. Spent a good deal of time outside too. Just sitting in the sun. Oh how I have missed you sun.
Head is still screaming, dog is still limping. Not happy. I took her to the vet yesterday and got an all clear but then she started limping again in the evening. I left a message at the vet. We shall see. Five more days and I start my new job!
Still screaming. I had expected it to break today. Hmm. The pattern is one day off. Interesting.
Got my final confirmation of hire yesterday. I am officially an employee! My new boss is also putting a blurb about me in the "Engineering Newsletter". WTF? There are so many things I am going to have to get used to again working in office and in a real company. No more just being a whispered name in the dark. People will like want to talk to me. Ew. I sent my no thank you emails to two other companies yesterday. That felt pretty good. No thanks, I have a job! Take that suckers!
Did laundry. Made vet appointment for her paws. Dealt with work. Made salmon for dinner. Few more days of peace then it's back to the grind for 3650 days of my life.
Been up and going at it for a while now. New boss sent me email over weekend apologizing for not getting back sooner. He confiirmed a few things and I am glad I read it. There's a discrepancy in the start date. HR wants Tuesday 4/28, he wants Monday 4/27. He will get back to me soon. He also told me they are getting me a 27" 4k monitor, a work phone, and they offer a $150 shoe credit for the floor through Grainger!! I sent off a reply to him, turned down the other two interviews, and am now waiting for a week.
Took doggo outside. She isn't limping any more but I still want vet to check her. Waiting for their phone call. They don't open until 9am sadly.
I just quickly looked at Grainger's site. Holy crap! So many choices of cute work boots and shoes!! I am so excited.
New pans will be here by Wednesday. This should be a good week. Head still screaming though. Oh well.
Scream. Pattern holding.
Quiet day. C is working ALL weekend so we didn't do much. Add to it that it's raining and well, not much going on. Doggo is still hurt. I called the vet to see her this week. Did laundry. Cleaned. Played games.
I think I will rename starting in the new year. This chapter is over. Oh, still screaming btw. If the pattern holds, I should be silent tomorrow. Let's see.
Well here's another twist; at 4:48pm I got a request for another interview at another company. When it rains, it pours. I didn't decline because I haven't received 100% go from Dart yet. I don't think anyone was in the office yesterday to reply. I am hoping I hear back from them on Monday. Then I will cancel my Tuesday, decline this other one, and look forward to starting.
We had some drama last night. Doggo had a small piece of glass in her paw pad. She was limping. We were able to rinse it out but now she's on medical watch. No running, no rough housing. If she isn't improved by Monday, off to the vet we go. As long as we don't see blood or pus coming out of it, we can wait until then. However if when she gets up this morning I see anything, then I will take her somewhere today. Fun eh?
Other than dog drama, there shoudn't be anything on my plate today. Laundry, cleaning and typical Saturday stuff is the agenda.
Scream.
I wasn't feeling good last night. I fell asleep at like 7:30pm. Got back up at 9 to brush my teeth and went right back to bed. My stomach is all crampy. Plus I was feeling exhausted. I think the rush of the last few days finally caught up with me.
I did my drug test yesterday. As of 1pm the online portal showed everything as complete for background. I am going to email this morning and make sure we are green light for me to start on the 28th. If I get a positive response, then I can relax for 10 days. No more job hunting, no more stressing. I just need a final confirmation. I will still apply to two more jobs so I can claim one last round of unemployment. That $1000 buffer will hold me until I can get my first paycheck at Dart.
Made tuna for dinner. Doing lamb shwarma tonight.
Scream, which doesn't make sense. Or at least it continues to rule out mental? Why because I really have nothing to be stressed about. At 9:40am yesterday I got an email from HR asking if they could call me. Um duh? Now the fact they wanted to call was positive. If they couldn't meet my number at all, they would have just sent an email. Either they met my number OR they got close and were going to sell me on the company. Well guess what? They met my number baby!
They re-tiered the position to make it "Staff Engineer" which according to my internal contact is the highest non-reporting level one can get before moving to a manager with reports role. He is very excited because it also means he gets the max referral bonus of $2k. Good for him!! I spent the day doing paperwork. Took care of all my onboarding. Submitted the background check. All that's left is the drug test this morning at 8am. I am leaving soon for that. Once that is done and both the background and drug come back clean, I am officially a new hire! My start date will be 4/28. Which means that I get about 11 days where I have no stress or worries. I am going to still apply for jobs so I can claim unemployment for these last two weeks off. That will be some bridge money in case I don't get a full paycheck for a while. Plus I will still have about $3000 in savings.
I am not worried about the drug but who knows what will come up in the background. Nothing I hope, but again, who knows? I just want a green light. I do have a second round interview with The Hartford next week but if everything looks good, I may cancel it. While they will pay more money, we talked about it last night and the truth is, I would probably be bored. I have spent the last six years stuck in this house. Do I really want to keep that up? Do I really want to deal with insurance reporting for the next 10 years? Over time I will get where I want with salary because now I will be at a company that does actual merit increases. It will take 1-2 years to beat my past salary and 5 to beat Hartford, but so what? At least along the way I will be having fun. Plus we need to move. This is the path to us moving. We get out of this house and into something smaller that's ours not mine.
Please send all the good vibes, prayers, magic, and voodoo that nothing disrupts this.
Silence.
Yesterday was insane. We dealt with an ant invasion in the kitchen. I got all the paperwork from Dart but then an email saying they are working on the number so I am still in limbo. We took the dog for a walk and almost melted. Honestly I guess that's it? It just seemed way more intense when it was all going on. I really need to hear back today to know what the situation is. I am a ball of anxiety. I did go through all the paperwork and my benefits will be good. I will be on BCBS instead of UHC. But I can keep the same prescription service. More importantly, my monthly contribution towards insurance will go down $300 a month. The advantage of working for a big company. I was paying $400 out of pocket before and my new plan will be $122 a month. That makes up for some of the potential salary deficit. 80 hours of vacation in the first year, possibly more if they change the job tier to accomodate my salary. Same dental and vision plans, just cheaper. Tentative start date of 3/28 based on drug test and background check. I don't expect to have any issue with either of those. I just need to hear back today. I am going crazy.
Scream.
Well, I have good news and I have bad news. Good news, I got an offer. Bad news, it was WAY too low. Like 2009 numbers low. So I am technically in the negotiation phase. I am hoping to hear a revised number today. Even with the revised number I am not stopping my interviews with other companies. They are still offering more. We shall see what happens over the next 24-48 hours.
Still screaming.
On the positive side, the weather is nice. We went on a three mile walk yesterday. Went out for fro-yo. Pulled out the blackstone for dinner. Something to be happy about. Did laundry. C had a hair appointment. Was a decent day except for my head.
Back to screaming. I had a full 24 hours of silence. It was beautiful. But alas, here we are again.
Did laundry. Took dog for walk. Made a pork tenderloin for dinner.
Silence.
For once I have real things to share. Had a fun time outside the house last night. We took a friend to K-pot for dinner. It wasn't horribly busy either which was nice. After dinner we came back here for cake and socializing. Was good to interact and have time away. Before we left though I got an email from yet another company wanting to do an interview next week. Nice way to end the week for sure! This means I now have three BIG companies interested in me. I can do this. I can make it. I have to make it.
Silence.
Couldn't sleep. Went to bed around 10:30, got up 11:45, stayed up until 1:45. Did bills. Sat around all day stressed and waiting. This is my life and it's ending one minute at a time.
Scream.
Interview went well but...
They are a huge, old company. There will be at least two more rounds of interviews plus a case study round. Which means this will take weeks. I don't have weeks. I am running out of options. I am running out of money. It's a really good fit too. It's a perfect role for me. I just don't know if I can wait them out.
Made salmon for dinner. Whee.
Scream. Which really sucks because I have another interview this morning. I was doing my daily applications and I applied for a job at The Hartford. Within two hours they had reached out for an interview. This is a job right up my alley. Something to get excited about. Director level, fully remote, solid company. I do not want to make a bad first impression. I have got to push down everything going on in my head. I need this fucking job. Like now.
Scream. It kicked back in around 10am yesterday and hasn't stopped. The mental dread of another monday? The impending doom on the horizon?
We had a slow morning and then headed to C's sister's around 1. Got there a little after 3 as we had to stop twice for the dog. Hung out until 8pm and got home around 10. It was a quiet time just visiting. Nothing exciting.
Please send me all the good vibes this week. I need them.
Still quiet. Last night I went to go to bed around 11pm and realized I just wasn't tried yet. Instead I ended up staying up until 1:30am. Best decision ever. I slept HARD and solid. I think that's why silence. Sleep is the one definable factor in all this.
Had hair appointment yesterday. Did laundry. Made chili cheese dogs for dinner.
Visiting C's family later in the day.
Silence. Bless. I am noticing a trend in severity. I can almost predict when the silence will come. More data points are needed but I might have some additional clues.
Didn't do much yesterday. Binged a TV show C doesn't care about.
Hair appointment today.
Still screaming.
My interview went well. Sadly they have one more candidate to interview next week. Which means I won't be at the top of their minds. I think I did well and hope it gets me the job. We shall see. The drive was okay. It would have been better if it wasn't raining. All I can do is hope and pray.
Screaming. Not today. Please god, not today. I am about to leave for my interview in 2 hours. Fuck me.
Back to the screams. Slept like absolute shit last night. Don't know why. Couldn't fall asleep to save my life. Done with all this. Just want to go away. I want to be done with everything.
Silence.
Went on a three mile walk yesterday. Taking dog to vet this morning. Two more days until interview.
Silence. Thankfully.
Sweat like a pig all night. I didn't turn the heat up but for some reason I was hot as hell all night long. With C at work yesterday didn't do a whole lot. I managed to take dog for a walk. This is the week of my interview. Stressed. Week 9 of being unemployed.
Screaming. Had a small break yesterday but here we are.
Busy day yesterday. I was up early. Did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and straightened the living room before I took the dog to the groomer. Got back, C had done more cleaning. We worked together to get the house ready for company. Around 3 I started my lasagne. C's coworker came over around 5. We had a nice time. Food was good. We watched a movie. She headed out around 10. We went to bed around 11.
Nothing planned for today.
Still screaming.
There's something wrong with the bed. My back has been killing me. I've adjusted it twice. I think with the rapid weather changes it's been losing pressure like car tires. But I am in serious pain this morning. I am so done with everything. Taking dog to groomer in a little while. Having C's coworker over for dinner. Making lasagne.
Silence. It broke yesterday around 1pm. Been doing good since.
Quiet day. Weather also broke. We got to go on a walk. Another today too. Supposed to be really nice today finally. Might even make smashburgers outside tonight. We shall see. Just playing the waiting game. Waiting for interviews. Waiting for responses. Nothing else to report.
Screaming
Couldn't sleep again last night. Tossed and turned from 10:30 until midnight. Got up until 1:30. Just stressed out. Got two rejections yesterday which didn't help my mood. I have one week until my onsite. I need this job, bad. I have to take it no matter what. Which is making me feel trapped. Made chinese pork for dinner. Watched tv. Froze my ass off.
Head back.
As promised I didn't sit on my ass yesterday job wise. I applied to four new jobs, followed up on things. Nothing is done until it is done. I have one more week until my onsite. Things could change. It snowed here yesterday which really sucked. We had hoped to get outside, but nope. Made wraps for dinner. Watched a movie.
Silence. Good.
The weather turned yet again. We tried to go for a walk because it said it was nice out. We failed to look at the 'feels like' which was 10 degrees less. The wind was biting and it was freezing. We barely made it 30 minutes. I felt bad for the dog, but fuck that. Today it will be back down in the low 30s. Are we done with this shit yet? Seriously. I am over it already.
Did laundry. Made tuna for dinner. C's boss messaged last night and she might have to go into work today. We will see. I have one more week until my interview but I am still applying for shit until then. Nothing is solid until the dotted line is signed.
Head is back. Strong. Sad.
Only excitement yesterday was when I almost killed us by making chemical gas. Don't mix drain chemicals kids. Things go poof and make clouds. I am okay but it was scary for a little while. Drain is open though it would appear. That's the good news? Seriously I poured one down there, it did nothing, I poured a second stronger one but there must have been some residual so it went POOF in a little cloud. I aired everything out, ran a fan, etc. But it was a scary few minutes. That was my excitement. Made cheesesteaks for dinner.
Laundry today. Woo.
Silence day 2.
They called and rescheduled for the 2nd instead of the first. They want to make sure everyone is in the office to meet me. Good? Bad? Not sure. They clearly are interested but they might be moving slower than I would like. Remember, it took them 37 days to even reach out. I might enjoy some place that moves at that pace, but I have to think about the financials. I am not going to slack off next week. Still going to apply at places. We were supposed to go to a movie, but C fell asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake her. She would have just been exhausted. We can always go to the movies some other time. No plans for this weekend.
Silence.
Folks, ya girl nailed it! We had a good 40 minute talk, he immediately invited me back for a second round onsite. They reached out and scheduled it 90 minutes after the call even before I could send a thank you email. I go onsite April 1st for 2-3 hours to meet the team. I feel this is mine to lose. Only thing that will break this is salary. We didn't discuss and they didn't list. This is a new role for them so I don't think they have any clue what this should pay. It could go one of two ways. They are unrealistically low, or they need to be ready to pay for someone with my background. We'll find out on 4/1. Until then, I am still applying and will still interview as it comes up.
In sadder news, Agador Spartacus passed away last night. Yes, I am talking about the cat that B took in the divorce. She'd been getting sick and I don't want to go into it right now, but she should have let her go last week. I feel she was being selfish. She didn't want blood on her hands but now she's got it anyway.
I am proud of C as well. She made the first step in getting herself squared away. She had a doc appointment yesterday where she get a formal diagnosis of ADHD and can now see about meds. She knew she was but needed the piece of paper. She really wants to be able to focus so she can move forward with her life and career. It's so nice to have an adult partner who knows what she wants and will actually get off her ass to achieve it.
We're going to a movie tonight. All in all, a pretty darn good week.
Today is the day. Day two of screaming of course.
Four hours until interview. Got to get in the shower but I am not getting dressed until 9am. Do not want anything going wrong. Talked to the unemployment office yesterday. Got that all squared away. Hopefully it will be settled. Caught up with former coworker as I had him help me test my teams for today. Very nervous but excited.
Here goes nothing.
Head back of course. Weather is freezing outside.
Went to my dentist office yesterday in person to try and negotiate my bill. I am glad I did. They knocked $150 off for me as a courtesy if I paid in full. Done and done. I now owe them nothing and feel better. All it took was polite asking. Can't want more than that.
Made quesadillas for dinner, watched some tv, did laundry. Nothing else going on because it snowed all day and was cold as hell out there. No respite from the weather until the weekend. Meeting with unemployment today, interview tomorrow.
Good news: head quiet
Bad news: had bad insomnia last night and was up until 2am.
Good news: have a real job interview with a real company on thursday.
Bad news: it's an hour away
Good news: it's a hybrid role so I might only have to be in office one to two days a week
More good news: if the pay is good and the company is good, we would consider moving.
This is my life. Up down all around. Back and forth. All damn day long.
Scream
Michigan does not make it easy to collect unemployment. Apparently I messed up something and now they're trying to say I owe them money? WTF? I have to call this morning and put this right. I swear I am not over here trying to commit fraud. I just need to stay afloat until I can land a job. Their money isn't the best but it's keeping us going. Fuck. I am so fucking frustrated right now. I just wanted to make it to retirement. But right now I am not making it anywhere. You wonder why I want to kill myself?
It broke yesterday for a while. Got about 14 hours of peace but it's back.
Got up early yesterday and started a slow cook pork butt. Made brownies. Our friend came over for dinner and we watched a movie. I took dog on walk. Did laundry. Cleaned house.
Day seven. I am done with this shit.
Somehow I fucked up and my unemployment has been suspended. Of course I can't call until Monday so now I get to spend the weekend stressing. I am tired of being alive. I really am. I can't keep going like this. Something needs to give and soon or I am going out back to a tree. Speaking of trees our backyard is littered with broken branches due to 70mph winds yesterday. We lost power for 2 hours and 12 minutes. I had to cook dinner over a butane stove in fading light. That was oodles of fun. Went out at 3:37 and came back just as we finished dinner near 6. Can I just end it all, please?
No improvement, no changes, no nothing. I am spiraling but I do have therapy today. I am also going to do an ear drain today to see if that helps. Otherwise, I am still in hell.
My screaming has moved out of my hears and into my whole head. Fuck my life.
Went to the store. Made dinner. Took dog for walk.
Scream.
Spent $700 yesterday having my damn water heater serviced. Water was only coming out at around 90 degrees. When he was done, it was back to 136.5. Took my first HOT shower in months this morning. We originally thought it was just because it had been so cold outside that it was struggling to heat up. Nope. Just needed to be flushed and descaled. The upside is that price included the pump and cables to do it in the future. Which means I can learn how to do it myself next year. It really should be done annually. C had doc appointment and everything went well for her. We took dog on two walks again. I am still struggling to connect with this place that wants an interview. Their software isn't sending out meeting invites correctly and the HR person seems clueless on how to work around it. Maybe something will come of that today.
I just noticed I messed up yesterday's title. Whatever.
Mild scream today. Up early because water heater people coming between 8 and 12. Went on another walk yesterday. Very nice. Didn't feel good in the tummy so made soup and grilled cheese for dinner. Otherwise, quiet day.
Head screaming and clocks changed. HATE today. It's "7:30" but it's pitch black outside and I did not get renough sleep.
Had hair appointment, stopped at the store, scheduled a service for our water tank, did laundry, took dog for TWO walks, made bento boxes for dinner, played games, watched a movie. Good filled day.
It back.
Went to lunch with friend yesterday. Was nice. It rained on and off during the day then stormed like crazy last night. Fough the dog to go outside because for some reason she is a princess who hates being wet. Okay. Made pasta for dinner. Started new show. Played games. Went to bed.
Still silent. Go me.
More importantly, I got an interview!! Working on the when but the win here is that my new resume is working and getting me into people's hands. I applied Wednesday, got an email requesting an interview yesterday. It's not really what I want sadly. It's another consulting company. But if it pays the bills while I find something else, then great. I know the skills are a fit, but not sure about culture. I will go to the interview, see what they have to say. But my hopes are low. Regardless, I got an interview and that's the win.
C got home very late last night but I still made a pork tenderloin, we finished a show, and we played games. Productive yet short evening together.
Having lunch with a friend today and hair appointment tomorrow.
Blessed silence. I had to force myself to stay up until midnight and slept for 7 hours but it did the trick.
Applied to more jobs, watched TV, posted on linkedin, got my unemployment, went to the grocery store.
We received Merlot's urn yesterday. It's very beautiful. Fitting memorial for the baby.
That was weird. My whole window closed. Whatever. Thankfully it saved a draft. Anyway.
Same shit different day. No interviews, two rejections. Just got to hold on.
Still the same on all fronts.
We did get something nice yesterday. Chewy sent us flowers for Merlot. Very sweet and unexpected. Customer service at its best.
Tried a new burger place. It was really good. Made chicken sandwiches for dinner. Watched some tv.
Nothing going on. Another week, no interviews. Time to apply to more jobs. It was cold as hell again yesterday. Currently 15 outside. Getting real tired of this weather. Time change next week. That will be annoying. We played games yesterday. Hung out. Played with dog. Watched TV. Tried some new shows. A quiet weekend day. Now it's back to trying to find a job.
Still screaming. Welcome to March.
They dropped off Merlot yesterday. Of course when C got home and saw it she lost her shit. That was fun. We had pizza. Watched the end of Fallout. Let's see where this is going in season 3. Which will be in 2027 assuming we're all still here.
Cleaned the house. Like deep cleaned. Nothing else going on.
Head's screaming. All week,
Little better yesterday. C only broke down twice. Worst was when they called to let us know her ashes will be delivered tomorrow. That killed her. We did go on a walk finally. That was nice. We watched some tv and she was so exhausted she slept on the couch from 8-11. I played games.
Not much better around here. Day three of screaming. Still breaking down randomly. I broke down over a damn web page yesterday because I had to cancel Merlot's chewy autoship. Fuck me.
Had a good meeting with career coach. She's updating my resume even more. Have it back to me this weekend.
No plans for today or the weekend.
Not doing much better around here right now. C is still breaking down any time she sees something that reminds her. She stayed home yesterday because she wasn't ready to deal with work shit yet. I get that. She's trying her best but it's hard. That was her companiion for 11 years. You don't forget that overnight. Applied for more jobs. Cleaned the house. Not much else going on.
We prepared for the worse but we still weren't prepared enough. Our sweet baby is gone. My fears and initial assessment were sadly correct. She had a stroke which was due most likely to a blood clot. It caused her to lose neuro function to her lower half. Her bladder and colon were severely full and impacted. This is why she was leaking urine all over. Even if we had "fixed" that in the immediate, it would have happened again and again because she couldn't control those parts of her body. We had to make the devastating decision based on her quality of life. C was destroyed. I was destroyed. It was gut wrenching and one of the hardest things either of us has ever had to do. If I start thinking too much right now, I am going to break down again. The rest of the day was basically a blur. This is the first time in nearly 30 years there hasn't been a cat in this house. It's weird. I cleaned up everything after we got home so C wouldn't have to do it. It was hard for me, but it would have been worse for her. I don't know what else I can say right now. Let's hope it hurts less today. Rest well sweet baby.
Silence still.
We couldn't get merlot in yesterday. She is cognitive, but not eating, peeing everywhere, and she has lost most use of her back legs. We are going in about 6 hours to the vet. We're hoping for a solution but prepping ourselves for worse case outcome.
Sunday we headed out around noon. On the way C realized she forgot her ear plugs. We stopped at a guitar center on the route. It gave us a chance to explore an area just outside downtown that we both found acceptable. Adds more options when we are ready to move. Got to the hotel a little before three. Because it was a Sunday in Feb, it was dead as a doornail. We got a nice suite on the top floor. Around 4 we went and had an early dinner. Sadly it was snowing all day and it was bitter cold. At 6:15 we walked over to the venue. Poor C was dying from the cold. We got there at 6:45, went straight in. The merch line was insane so we found our seats and then I went back to merch during the opening act. I got her a hoodie for the walk back. Made all the difference in the world. The venue is smaller than than the last one by about half. Even though we were only one row closer on paper, it felt like we were right on top of the stage. It was awesome. Show was incredible. He changed the playlist up slightly from last time too which was cool. Show let out around 10:45 and we walked back. C was wide awake. We found a late night cafe and drove to get a snack around 11:45. Got back to the hotel at 12:30, slept until 4:30 and headed home. The whole time we were stressed and worried about Merlot.
Picked up the dog, took care of things at home, and then she went back to sleep for a few hours. I alas did not. We didn't feel like cooking because of everything and had Korean BBQ for dinner last night. Went to bed at 8:30 as we're up at 4:30 again. She's going into work early allowing her to leave early to meet us at the vet.
Please keep Merlot in your thoughts and send good vibes.
Incredible night. Day two of silence. Merlot is not doing well. Waiting for call from vet. More tomorrow.
Silence. Thank god.
Merlot is not doing better. I am really worried. Concert tonight. But it's being overshadowed by Merlot. I am worried we will come home to a deceased cat. FUCK.
I'm up at 4am because of Merlot. She's taken a turn for the worse. Her back legs have seem to given up on her. We have an appointment Tuesday but I don't know if she will make it that long. We can't afford to go to an emergency vet either. My brain and head are both out of control right now.
I'm going to stop telling you if my head is screaming. Assume it is.
Applied for more jobs. Had a career coach meeting. Made additional changes to my resume to further get it past auto software. She 100% agreed that if I could just get a fucking interview, I could get a job. We were scheduled for 50 minutes, talked for 90. This is my issue. I can sell myself. I can hold my own in an interview. I am just not getting to a human. Pissing me off.
Made fajitas for dinner. Finished season 5 of slow horses. Played games. Two more days until NiN.
Scream back. I am wondering if this is neuro and not aural at this point.
Not much yesterday. Went to a webinar on ageism in the job search. Most was common sense to me, but picked up a couple of good things. Have my coach meeting today. Got my first unemployment check. Just a few more days until the concert.
Silence is back. I went to bed around 10, slept until 6:15, had solid sleep. Strong dreams. Weather changed again. I was reading yesterday that the rapid melting of snow on Monday released a shit ton of pollution and caused bad air quality. Have to wonder what the correlation is between that and my head.
Didn't find anything worth applying to yesterday sadly. I have hit things to hard too fast and now it is drying up. I will try again today. Made sausage rolls for dinner. Watched tv. Nothing else exciting going on in my life. Just a few more days until NiN part two! Much excite!
Scream is back. I had two full days of silence. It was really nice. The weather changed dramatically overnight too which doesn't help things. I am hoping it will fade down a bit today.
Applied for more jobs. Submitted my unemployment. Let's see what comes of that. Nothing else new going on.
Silent. I had about 9 hours yesterday and it came back. Let's see if I can go the whole day.
Cleaned. Did laundry. Had pizza for dinner.
Blessed silence.
Got two more rejections while I slept. This tells me these things aren't being read by humans. They are going through fucking software and AI instead of people. Fuck this. Starting to get depressed. Really depressed.
Took dog to grromers. Went to store. Went to friend's house. Was depressed the whole time. Just want this to be over in any number of ways.
Scream
Paid myself last night and took care of bills. This way I don't have to deal with it this morning. It's done and done. I gave myself exactly how much I would have received on a normal pay period. I was tempted to round up, but I stuck to my guns. Had a meeting with my old company about doing 1099 work but they couldn't come up with something that was less beneficial to me than unemployment. Sorry but why risk for sure money for a chance of money. It just didn't make financial sense. Applied to more jobs. Just playing the waiting game right now. Hopefully this will be over soon. Taking dog to groomer today. For the last time for a while sadly.
It's back. Sigh.
Got ALL of my money finally. Still not treating it like extra though. I am going to pay myself tomorrow. Started using my new resume yesterday. Hopefully it will get more traction. Had my unemployment meeting. That went well. They only want me to log one job per week. I am at 26 applied right now. The interviewer could tell I was serious about everything and it went smoothly. Let's see when that first check comes. I plan on using it for things like C's car payment and my hair. Groceries too. It's like the $500 I was getting before for expenses. NONE of this at this point is "extra" money. All has a purpose.
Hopefully we get C's car today. Hopefully.
Finally silence.
I got paid finally. 11 days after being laid off. Ridiculous. Still haven't gotten the $1500 they promised me. Fucking sales people still sending me emails like I work there. Hopefully the car will finally be ready today. Have virtual meeting for unemployment today. Let's see how that shit goes.
Scream
Started with the career counselor yesterday. Most of their stuff is job seeking 101. I don't need to know how to network, I am not "branding" myself. I don't need positive messaging. What I do need and they did start helping me with is a rewrite of my resume. I managed to get it from 5 pages down to 2 with their help. I also worked with them on how to format it to get past AST and AI software. That was valuable. I am much happier with what I have now. If they can offer anything else, great. If not, whatever.
C's car won't be ready until Weds or Thurs now. They called yesterday and I asked them simply, what are you going to do for me? It's been two weeks since I bought the car and I don't have it yet. They didn't have answer so I told them they have until Weds, now don't they? We shall see what happens.
Friend came over last night and helped me go through clothes. I made a sell pile, a donate pile, a keep pile, and an add to rotation pile. Was a lot of work but very cathartic. I probably have $1000 worth of clothes I can sell. Going to list it all on depop. We will see what comes of that. Going to work more on that today.
Applied to my five jobs yesterday. Going to do more and more excited now with the resume.
Scream. I did get 12 hours of silence yesterday. Was quite nice.
Week two of unemployment. I applied for one job yesterday. Still waiting for my actual severance check which is complete bullshit. My idiot ex boss is still sending shit to my old work email. I know because I checked it last night. He has no clue what he is doing. C worked all damn day. Hopefully we get her car today. Supposed to be ready. Don't know what time though. It might be done today but too late for us to get it. We shall see.Did laundry. All the laundry. Need to bring up the final load from the dryer still. Going to start with the career folks today. Let's see what comes of that.
Scream
Applied to five more jobs yesterday. One I really want. 3 have rejected me so far out of 15 applied. That's 20%. Still means I have an 80% chance of finding something. Will start work with the counselor people on Monday. Still no car. No update either which pisses me off. Hair appointment today.
Still screaming. I had about 3 hours of respite yesterday but otherwise same ol.
Had my new crown put on yesterday. Feels so much better than the temp one did. Still sore, but the texture feels so much better. I was lazy yesterday. Just did some networking and that's it. I have access to the career counselor now and will message them on monday. I am just starting to feel helpless so I need to get through this weekend. Hopefully I will be back on it mentally after a couple of days.
Didn't feel like cooking last night. Had sushi delivered. We still have our discretionary fund luckily. Should still have 4-500 for the concert in a couple of weeks.
Still scream
Another 4 jobs applied for. No responses.
Have dentist this morning. Then back at it. Still no car.
Scream.
I applied to four jobs yesterday. Will do at least that today too. Nothing to do but wait. I should hear from the career counselor today. I should also get my check soon. C's car should be ready on Friday. Lots of sitting and waiting right now. Driving me insane obviously. C is sick and is staying home. This is our life now.
Okay, my head is back. Which of course leads to the question of "Why?". What did I do different last night that I didn't do the previous nights? What did I eat? Need to figure this out.
I was productive yesterday. Signed my term papers to get my severance check rolling. You know, this is the first time I have been laid off where my check wasn't ready to go. So fucking weird. Regardless, it's in the works and I should get it next week. That's fine by me. I also applied for unemployment. It's not a lot, but it can go straight into savings and buy me some buffer. It's 25% of my salary. Oh well. It's money. I also reached out to six old clients letting them know I was available. Three replied indicating that they might have some contract work for me. I also expanded my linkedin network by five people and directly touched base with them. Lastly, I directly applied for two jobs. I plan on applying for 2-3 more today. At least 10 a week minimum. I was going to do more, but the unemployment office needs to see regular applications so I don't want to shoot my shot all at once. I will keep on keeping on.
Made char siu pork last night. Came out pretty good to be honest. Did it with a steam bath to keep it nice and moist. Still no update on C's car. I am hoping to hear something today or tomorrow. This cold is still kicking my butt a little. Throat is better but am made purely of snot right now.
Time to do morning stuff and apply for jobs.
Still silent. A little blip yesterday for two hours, but otherwise, all good. Again, let's be honest. This all started in Jan of 25 when I was told my job would be on the line. Ever since then I have been struggling. Now that is gone and oh look, my head is clearning up. What a fucking shock.
I have been up for a while. I took care of signing my final term papers and applied for unemployment. It's going to be 25% of my salary so that's going straight to savings every week. At the very least I will build up a buffer in my savings over the next three months. My goal for this week is to apply to at least 5 jobs per day. That's 100 jobs in Feb. All I need is one. I am also going to be working my network. Today's other goal is to reach out to old customers and see if they have something for me. I figure it won't hurt and it keeps my network going.
We didn't do much of anything yesterday. This cold is kicking my butt. I had no energy yesterday. 10 years ago if I felt like this I would be like "oh it's a cold no big deal". Now though I have to worry if it's covid or if it will turn worse because I am old and the world sucks. We did go to the store last night and got tea, juice, soup, and nyquil. I will kick it.
Off to send emails and apply for jobs. Wish me luck!!
It came back yesterday, but am silent now. But I now have a cold. My throat is killing me. My nose is stopped up. I can't win can I?
Did laundry, made dinner, had no energy. Went to bed at 9 with nyquil in me. Need more.
Still silent. We all know it was my job, right?
Yesterday was a bit surreal. I had my final 1 on 1 at 1pm but until then, there was really nothing for me to do. Like nothing. It was during this time I recently how workplace institutionalized I am. What do you mean I don't have to open outlook or teams? What do you mean I don't have to put timesheets in? Monday is going to be very weird. I have had the same routine, even when "off" for a long fucking time.
I had therapy in the morning and got to work through some of my feelings. The biggest of course is anger. Anger at myself. Anger for not being in a better position where I didn't have to go back to work for a while. I get C's feelings of being trapped. I don't want to keep doing what I have been doing, but I don't have a choice. Period. I am not sad about losing my job. My job isn't the definition of who I am. It was and always will be a means to an end. But I am mad. I am mad that once more I am starting over.
C was in a better mood too. She needed to get all that off her chest on Thursday and it helped. I think we're both in a better place to move forward.
Still riding the rollercoaster, but at least my head is quiet. Progress?
The dealer called again yesterday. While having the car in the shop to change the tires, another vehicle hit a patch of ice and hit the car. I know. Now they have to replace the bumper and it won't be ready until next week. Seriously. BUT they did give us a loaner. At least we are a two car household again. C hates the car they gave her but I don't care. It's a car. I don't have to drive her any more. We will get her actual car when we get it. She is losing it. This is too many things at once for her. For me, it's life as usual sadly. Got my final paycheck. Have to pay bills this morning. Next week I get my severance. Going straight into savings. Did some networking yesterday. Hopefully Feb will be my month.
Scream.
Well, yesterday was a rollercoaster to say the least. In the morning I went down to take care of the car. I walked in pre-approved for 60 months at 7.84. The manager saw that and was confident he could beat. He said if you're at least 700, I can beat that by a point. Well, turns out I am 730 and he beat it by a point and a half. I got the car out the door for 17,600 at 6.34%. Not too bad. I put 2,000 down giving C a payment of $300 a month. Took about three hours, but we got it done. During final inspection they found an issue with one of the tires not matching the others and one that was borderline tire wear. They're replacing the two ties and we're picking it up tonight. At least one thing will be resolved. So that was my morning...
At 4:30pm I was officially laid off. The effective date is 2/2 and that's when I will get my severance check. I get three months cash, three months insurance, and three months paid career counseling. Okay, I will take it. I am both scared and relieved to be honest. With unemployment and severance I should be good for about 4 months. On Monday I will look in earnest for something new. Right now, I just want to get through the next few days without losing my mind.
C is of course stressed. I don't blame her. I will figure it out. I have to. Failure is not an option. Death sadly is not an option.
Day 5.
We tried again to get her car. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays they close at 6. WTF? So I am going this morning to get it done. I already have preapproval from my bank. We decided to do it through my bank. We both submitted it to our banks. Her rate? 13.8. Mine, 7.8. No brainer. I will do it through mine and she will make the payment. $300 a month. Yes, I trust her to make the payment. Yes, I trust her to deal with it. Plus this way my credit gets better. I wanted her to do it for that reason alone, but the rate difference is too much. This is the first time I can walk into a dealer with everything pre-approved and ready to go. The power is in my hands, not the dealers. The salesperson knows this which is why they are like sorry we're closed. They aren't going to make any real money off us. But it makes it nice for me. We got halfway there when C texted them to say we were on our way and that's when they were like well we close in 12 minutes. Fuck you.
Hopefully tomorrow morning I will tell you about a successful deal.
Scream.
We went and looked at our a car for C last night. Sort of. First off, I knew MI had blue laws still which means no car buying on Sundays. I didn't realize that dealers close fucking early too. We got there at 7:55 and they were closing for the night. What the fuck?? We got to look at the exterior of the car only. We have to go back tonight after work to actually drive it. We found her a 2023 Hyundai Elentra with 12k miles on it for $16.5. That will last her quite a while. It's a good solid car. Looks like a lease turn in to me. Or an employee car. Either way, good mileage, good year, decent price. Cheaper than the Jeep I got for B. We got home and C immediately went online to her bank to get pre-approval and start the process. We're going to put 20% down which should keep the payment reasonable for her. What struck me most about this was how we worked as a team to find it. *I* didn't do everything. We did it together. We went together. We're making the decision together. Means a lot to me. I wish we could have dealt with it last night, but we're one step closer to a solution. Hopefully we go back tonight earlier and we can drive it and have this resolved.
Still snowing, still screaming. Happy Straya Day.
Nothing of any interest. We stayed inside. We didn't do anything. This is my life.
Still screaming.
Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out
I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face
Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings
Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you
Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever really known
Back to screaming. Lovely.
It is very cold here. -6 right now. The dog's paws are getting frozen when we go outside. We had to shovel a path for her to try and make it a little better. Too fucking cold.
Back to silence. Only one day of screaming. Nice.
Worked on my videos. Went to the store. We had a lamp explode on us last night. Happened while I was at the store and freaked both C and the dog out. She's worried about the electrical, I think it was just an old lamp with a bad bulb. But I had to calm them both down. More snow all day. Oh yeah, I had a crown put on yesterday. Hurts like a motherfucker still. It's a temp so I have to go back in ten days for the final one. Joy. Almost the weekend thankfully.
Head is back sadly. I had a full two days though, that was nice.
Spent three hours yesterday on a meeting with my boss trying to figure out a technical issue. We finally got it resolved but what a pain in the ass. I can now finish my videos this morning. But first I have a dental appointment.
Snowed like crazy all day yesterday. More inbound today.
I applied for a jobin Grand Rapids yesterday. Let's see if I hear anything back. Also reached out to that CEO to stay on his radar. Made fish for dinner. Watched tv. Played games. Went to bed.
Silence today. Only two days of screaming. Nice.
Worked on my new video. Finalizing today. Nothing else going on. Made little chickens for dinner.
Still screaming. Joy.
We cleaned house together yesterday. Nice to work as a partner on stuff. I rewired the living room stereo equipment. Made ribs for dinner. Not much of anything else.
Back to screaming. Woke up from a dream and BOOM they started right in. WTF? I got all of one day this time. Joy.
C ended up coming home early. She got sick at work. Luckily she has the next two days off. We need to solve this car issue. I can't keep driving her. Made sausages for dinner. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda. Just fucking shoot me already.
Silence. Good.
Quiet day. More snow. Worked on some random shit. Made air fryer mahi last night. Was pleased with how it turned out. Took C to the dispensary. Went to bed.
Screaming. Whee.
I had an interview yesterday. It was with the CEO of an AI company. It went really well. The problem is this is another startup. His product doesn't even launch until the end of the month. BUT this is the kind of thing I have been looking to get into for a long time. He needs someone to head up his training team at product launch. At the start it would be contract work only, but would lead to a full time position by summer. I could make this work. He sold his last company for enough money that he lives in West Hollywood. With a view of the Hollywood Bowl no less. I would be employee number three. If I can make it work shor term money wise, long term this could be the thing that sets me up for retirement. I know it went well because the guy who put us together sent me a screencap of a text. It was from the CEO saying "Thanks for the introduction, she is awesome". That helped the old ego let me tell you. My whole career I've wanted into one of these startups that will go the distance. Specifically at a high enough level where I get the payout. Took me long enough but this might just be the one. Five years at this company and I can retire happily. Just need to make it short term. We shall see what comes of it.
My head is back and it is screaming hard today. Like making up for me having a day of silence. This is going to be an issue as I have an interview today. Dammit.
I had my physical yesterday. Passed that with flying colors. Everything is good except of course for my ears. Nothing to do there sadly.
Snowed ALL day yesterday. Had to drive to pick C up and nearly lost it a couple of times. Haven't checked outside yet but it was still going when we went to bed at 11.
Meetings and interview today. Wish me luck.
Silence so far. It came back yesterday. I only had about three hours of silence. Let's see if I can go all day today.
The day was nothing interesting, but I did get a phone call around 7pm from my former ceo. He finally was able to get me and this other CEO linked up. We're meeting tomorrow at 3pm to discuss opportunties to lead his training group. Hopefully something will come of it.
Today I have a physical. Let's find out everything broken about me shall we?
Finally silence. Six days of screaming.
We got a repair quote for C's car. $1500 including the tow to get it there. We'd rather put that as a down payment on a 'new' car for her. So now we're going to spend this week looking at cars. Until then I have to drive her to work. She won't drive my car because she's afraid of something happening and she doesn't want to leave me stranded. Here's the positive - we worked on the problem together. *I* didn't have to make the calls, take the pictures, do everything. No we did it as a team. It's us versus the problem. We worked together, we discussed it together, we came up with a plan together. This is the way it should be. This is the foundation of a good relationship. Made me very happy.
Day 6. Will it ever stop again?
Rough day. Nothing we could do about the car since it was a fucking sunday which just stressed me out. Did laundry.Ordered a pizza.
Still going.
Shit is fucked right now. I had a mostly decent day until C got home. I did a photoshoot from my friend. Cleaned the house. Prepped for company. As she was pulling into the driveway something on her rear suspension snapped. It looks like the rear control arm but it might be the whole subframe. I don't want to deal with this. It's her car and it should be her problem but I know I will be the one who ends up dealing with it. We had friends over for tacos. Went to bed around midnight. Fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck.
I wish I was dead.
Still going. Day 4. Sigh.
Worked, had meetings, took friend out for birthday dinner, watched a movie, had root beer floats. New coffee table came. Very happy with it. Need to add some LEDs to the underside to finish off the feel. Doing a photoshoot today for other friend.
Was starting to fade but now back loud. Sigh.
Finished another video yesterday. Had some electrical work done. Finally have hardwire upstairs in the living room. Continued to work on changes to the living room. Mounted a surfboard on the wall. New coffee table arrives today. Made pork for dinner. Went to the grocery store. Played games. Went to bed.
Still scream. No improvement.
Worked on my next video. Recording today. Made mexican platters for dinner. Watched tv. C fell asleep on the couch. Finally nice enough I was able to take dog for walk. Electrician coming today to do some work. Same ol' same ol'.
Ears are back. Got one day this time. Woo.
Worked on videos, did more furniture rearranging. We finished season 1 of the acolyte, had ham for dinner.
Silence this morning. Go me!
Worked on videos yesterday. Hopefully will drop a new one today for work. I have two I want to get done this week. Should be able to do it. Still haven't heard back from the job I applied for.
We did do something fun yesterday. C was home and we started looking at the living room. We got a new plant recently, a 6 foot palm for that room. It's made us rethink the look we are going for out there. After some playing around with ideas, we ended up moving the sofa, deciding on a new coffee table, and making plans to make other changes. It was nice to have my creativity sparked and do something tangible. New year, new space kind of thing. We have a lot more to do out there, but just the little we did made us both feel good.
Time to give cat meds.
Ears still going.
Frank the wonder pooper is back with its pack. She wasn't a bad dog but she didn't poop once outside. She was otherwise okay to watch. I don't think I would do it again though. We didn't do much of anything yesterday. C went and got her hair done. We made ravioli for dinner. Watched some TV. That's about it. Good way to end vacation.
My head is back and with a vengeance. Like really fucking bad already. WHY?? Nothing changed?? I didn't go to bed super late. I didn't change anything? I was fine for two full days? What the hell??
Yesterday started off with a bang. I was getting the cat her meds when she decided to try and kill me. I went down the stairs hard. Scraped up my arm, fucked up my tailbone, and smashed the plate of food I was carrying. This was at 6am and a hell of a way to start my day. Loads of fun. I am still in pain.
Went to my hair appointment and the Urgent Care doc called me. He didn't like the results of the culture he did so he switched me to a stronger antibiotic. Severe side effects but it will kill anything in me. Lovely.
The sausage dog shit multiple times in my house. Not pleased about that either. It was rough trying to take care of them and be in pain. What a way to end my vacation.
I watched B's wedding livestreamed. Most awkward 13 minutes ever. Seriously, it lasted 13 minutes. On the upside I felt nothing about my ex getting remarried. I mean nothing more than oh my friend is getting married, grats. Like no weird emotions or anything. So that's something.
The beasts are waking up. My head is killing me. My ass hurts. My arm hurts. This is going to be a long fucking day.
Still quiet. Suprising seeing how much stress is going on here right now. We're watching B's dog for them while they're off getting married this weekend. Having two dogs is not working out well. Sandy is just being insane around it, it's scared and the size of the cat. It's anxious, scared, and confused. It has peed in the house twice, once in my slipper. I just took it out this morning but now it's eating and I know it will have to go again. I have a hair appt this morning and am stressed. But I will get through. B sent us a $100 gift card for watching the dog which she didn't need to do but she did.
Last night we finished Stranger Things. An era has come to a close. I only cried once. No spoilers, I promise, but there were some moments I was teary. More because it's over sometimes. Almost 9 years of watching that show and following these adventures. Not a perfect season but it's been laid to rest and all the questions answered. All I could ask for from a show.
Okay time to do shit. more tomorrow.
Up early this morning. Head is finally silent. Have to take doggo to groomers.
Quiet day yesterday. It snowed all day and between that and it being a holiday for a lot of people, it was quiet outside. I do love how silent winter is around here. A lot less vroom vroom down the street. Haven't heard back on that job yet, but that doesn't shock me. Probably won't until next week. Did some cleaning. Made steaks for dinner. We watched some tv and went to bed.
Hair appointment for both of us this weekend. Looking forward to that.
Welcome to 2026. Seriously. how insane is that? Starting the year off with yelling ears and a UTI. Woot.
Yesterday I got up and got paid. Our payroll is all screwed up this week. We are switching from one HR company to internal so my pay was only for 64 hours. Effectively up to 12/31. I was supposed to get the remainder, 16 hours, tomorrow. All good right? Of course not. I get the first deposit at 5am fine, but then at 9am I get a second one to Wells and then this morning I get the second one to BoA. For whatever reason, they both pused early but that caused major confusion on our Finance side. The good news, is I am all paid and so are bills. Whatever. It's just this all came down while I was having a panic attack. Allow me to explain...
So the pee issue. It was still bad yesterday morning. Around 8:30 I got the results back from my urine test. Bacteria = MANY in all caps and bright red on the results. That and some other results were bad. The urine section was pretty much all red. Except for the one that detects cancer. Luckily that one was green. The end result was I needed antibiotics and I needed them NOW. I try calling my doctor. No answer because it's 8:30am. Okay fine. I will email them. No response. I wait until 9 and call back and get a voicemail. They're closed until the 5th. FUCK. But in the message they list ALL the emails. Cue malicious emailing. I emailed every name on that list. I also made an urgent care appointment. I made t for 2 hours out to give my PCP time to respond.
Time draws nearer and I can't wait. I print out the test results and head to urgent care. Luckily I was the only one in there. I show them the results, they agree it's a UTI, they then prescribe 5 days of antibiotics. A very aggressive one. The nurse and doc both told me I made the right choice in not waiting for my regular doc to call me. If I had let it go any longer it could have really messed things up based on my numbers. But here's the kicker - literally as I am walking out the door, my PCP calls me. We talked for a few, she validated the urgent care opinion but double the antibiotics. Now today I have to pick up a second 5 day set. She wants me on them for 10 because of the progression. Okay. After 2 doses I will say it's a HUGE improvement and I do feel much better. No complaints. Plus they were $8 for the meds so definitely no complaints. I ran a couple of other errands while I was out including getting supplies for dinner. We made pizzas last night.
I should also mention more snow all day. We went from clearing up to 2 inches. That made running all these errands even more annoying. But I got everything done in the end, took my meds, took care of everything else. It's what I do.
We watched some tv, had champagne at 11 because we knew we wouldn't make it to midnight. We were in bed by 11:30 but our neighbors let us know it was midnight with their damn fireworks. Thanks. Nothing planned for today. C works until Sunday. I am going to do laundry, dishes, and make a nice dinner for the first day of what was it again, oh year 20 fucking 26.
