ANA Y5 D31

Faint, but still there.

Alright, let's catch you all up on a bunch of stuff. I know my posts haven't been very enlightening lately. This is the problem with getting up at 4:30 three days a week. I just don't have the time or energy to say a whole lot, but I also refuse to miss a day. Too many years of this.

This week I have made two AI driven apps. I finished the first one on Monday. It's a Maintenance Assistant aspp. You choose your location and it shows which machines need immediate maintenance and which ones are about to fail. This is the first one I demo'd on Tuesday to the EVP in the morning and my boss in the afternoon. Both were absolutely impressed. So much that they both said I earned taking all of next week off for my birthday. They were blown away that I accomplished what I did in 10 weeks. At the same time, I am also working parallel tracks with the data team to get the back end schema built to drive this and the second app.The second app, which I finished yesterday, is a troubleshooting app. Starts out the same, pick your site and building, then you pick your machine, describe the problem, and it returns troubleshooting tips.

The end result from this week is the EVP wants a PM assigned to me, my boss wants it deployed for plant managers to start looking at it, and I have been added to the agenda for multiple meetings to share it company wide. All in all, pretty big hit. Makes me feel good especially where I was in those first three weeks where I didn't feel like I was getting anything done.

At home, I am stressed about bills, about C's job, about not enough sleep. The only one of those I can do anything about is the sleep. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and got nine full hours of sleep. I needed it. I was exhausted. Now, today I go until noon, then off for a new tattoo. Then I am out of the office until July 13th. I will catch up on the sleep part.

The YouTube channel is going strong. I have 16 subscribers, 50 videos. I will be adding many more over the break. I am prerecording content plus planning on going live. There, now you're all caught up. It's been hot as hell here and it doesn't break until tomorrow. Staying inside as much as I can. Monday is birthday dinner, Tuesday is birthday. On Monday I am going for a hearing test and Tuesday the dentist. But I still get the rest of the week which will be nice. 

ANA Y5 D30

Scream scream scream

Yay me.

Almost to the finish line. Presented my prototype yesterday. Was a big hit. Very happy. 

ANA Y5 D29

Silent so far.

It was bad all day and night yesterday. Screaming loud. 

I learned something yesterday. My stepfather is dead. He died Jan of 25. Very weird. I am still processing how I feel knowing he is finally dead. 

Made great progress on my work yesterday. I get to show it off today and am very excited. Hopefully it will be well received.

Made salmon for dinner. Took dog for LATE night walk because it was 90 all day. Didn't get enough sleep as a result, but oh well.

Two more days. 

ANA Y5 D28

BAD screaming today. Don't know why. 

Did a bunch of little stuff around the house. Chased two old asian ladies out of the yard stealing berries. Made little chickens for dinner.

ANA Y5 D27

Still silent.

With the exception of a brief window yesterday I managed to keep my head quiet all day. We went to a trading card expo yesterday at the convention center and there was about an hour where the noise was getting to me but I put in my loops and by the time we left I was doing okay. We went for our friend who lives and dies by his Pokemon collection. He has over 20k in cards. He managed to get 15 new cards without spending a single dollar. All on trades. He even got me one. A rare one of one of my favorite characters. We came back to our place after, had taco bros for dinner, watched Hokum, and then I went live for three hours. Went to bed around 11. Sadly Cat has to work today because she took yesterday off. No big plans for me. But hey, only three days next week and then we enter the birthday zone!! 

ANA Y5 D26

Silence so far.

Worked on stuff. Read docs. Streamed. Made dinner. Applied for a consolidation loan. Still waiting to hear back.  

ANA Y5 D25

Scream still

No respite from it this time. Just constant. I am so tired of it. I just want a break. 

Worked on my revisions. Sent them over. Caught up with my old boss. Made chicken tikka for dinner. Went to the store. Recorded content. 

ANA Y5 D24

Scream

Was productive yesterday. Got the next rev of my model and outputs ready to send over to the reviewers. I will do that around 9 or 10 this morning. Wasn't feeling well and just had a grilled cheese for dinner. Went to bed kind of early as I was falling asleep on the way home from work yesterday. Monday really screwed me up and I haven't fully recovered. Less than a week until I am off for my bday and one week until my next tattoo! Steam summer sale starts today at 1pm. Maybe some good stuff coming. 

ANA Y5 D23

 Scream

Yesterday turned into a bad scream too. I did make my hearing test appointment for July 6th. I also did some research into CIC and IIC hearing aids. Invisible, tiny, pink noise generation. Maybe I will sove this. Maybe.

Worked. Had leftovers for dinner. Went to bed. 

ANA Y5 D22

Silent.

Yesterday was long, interesting, boring, scary, and good all at once. I left here at 5am, got to the airport a little after 6. It was raining pretty hard and the flight was not easy. The plane was small, hot, and bumpy. It was nice not flying commercial, but boy oh boy not glamorous at all. We spent about 6 hours at the plant. Very cool to see the whole process like I did, but in reality we spent about an hour on the floor, the rest in a conference room shooting the shit. I didn't get home until 6:30pm. Made for a really long day. And now I have to drive right back in. Sigh.

Two weeks until my birthday. 10 or so days until I get some time off. 

ANA Y5 D21

Still quiet. Don't jinx me.

Mowed the lawn. Did more laundry. Cleaned house. Recorded videos. Calm day.

Off to the airport. Going to KY today. In the rain. In a tiny plane. 

ANA Y5 D20

Silence

Yesterday was better. Not great, but better. I got a lot accomplished. Dog to the groomer, grocery store, more laundry, cleaning, did a 4 hour live stream, made fajitas for dinner. Got the dog new elevated beds. She's been sleeping on the floor and it looks like it's hurting her joints. So we got her new beds to relieve her soreness. She is better this morning after just one night. Tomorrow I am off to KY. Bed early tonight. 

ANA Y5 D19

Stillscreamingbad headbroken badthoughts

ANA Y5 D18

Still screaming

Why don't people around here actually respond to emails? I have sent three in the past week to different people and today is Friday with ZERO responses. Very annoying. 

Worked. Went to the store at lunch which was a mistake. The infrastructure in this area just isn't built for the sheer number of people that live here. Too many people and not enough road. The store was fine, the drive there and back was pure hell. Just too many people. 

Made burgers for dinner. Streamed. Went to bed. 

ANA Y5 D17

Back to screaming.

Even though my head has been on and off all week, it was a pretty productive week. I have moved forward with my stuff, did some social engineering, felt accomplished. Just have to deal with my damn head. I keep trying to make an appointment for a hearing test but people around here seem to be incompetent when it comes to emailing. 

Got paid early because tomorrow is a federal holiday. Now I can pay bills. Whee.

Made chicken for dinner. Went live on stream. Went to bed. 

ANA Y5 D16

Silence so far.

Yesterday morning SUCKED. I knew it was inevitable but I finally got stuck in traffic. A semi overturned at 3am blocking the entire freeway. Took me 2 hours almost to get to work yesterday. I had to go 20 miles out of my way and take back roads in. I was so annoyed when I arrived. Luckily the day got better. I fixed my model and made progress. Only 55 home. Made chicken for dinner. Went to bed.  

ANA Y5 D15

Still screaming.

Was productive at work despite my head. Got more tables added to my prototype, got my access to the DB, got PPE squared away for Monday, and had some meetings. Came home, made dinner, went to bed. 

ANA Y5 D14

Scream

Another rough night. Tossed and turned. Woke up multiple times. Weird dreams. Hot then cold.

Weather stupid. Rain most of the day. Summer sucks. Only good season around here is fall. Is it fall yet? Didn't do much of anything. Okay with that. One week until I go to KY. This week should be uneventful. We shall see. 

ANA Y5 D13

Silence. Was touch and go for a while though. I woke up a few times during the night. Sometimes they were screaming, sometimes quiet. The weather is dropping by 15-20 today and there is rain on the horizon. The pressure is all over the place.

Yesterday was rough. I had a million things to do and got zero reprieve from my head. Here's a list of everything I did yesterday:

• car service
• grocery store
• put away groceries
• wash towels
• clean kitchen
• clean bathroom
• clean floors
• put away towels
• wash my clothes
• iron for the week
• put away my clothes
• make dinner
• do dishes 

That's probably not even everything I did, but that's still a hefty list. My head screaming the whole time. Around 7 C needed to run an errand and had me drive. I was just on edge the whole time. Everything was over stimulating me. I did somehow manage to record videos. Went to bed around midnight. Today I am doing NOTHING. 

ANA Y5 D12

Back to screaming.

Was awakened at 3am by idiots shooting off fireworks. Tis that season. Morons. 

LONG day yesterday. We ended up not going out. C had a BAD day. I had a boring as fuck day. Second day of vendor proposal/training. All I did all day was sit in a conference room for the last two days that could have 100% been done remotely. The whole point of this was for the vendor to pitch some bullshit software that my boss and I both know is bullshit but the non technical people are all excited about. It's a damn chatbot people, that's it.

We had indian last night. Went to bed. Taking car in for service this morning. Then grocery store. 

ANA Y5 D11

Silence so far

Woke up around midnight to crazy thunder and lightning. Seems to have passed. Yesterday was all day meeting. I will elaborate more tomorrow after today's session. Made salmon for dinner. 

ANA Y5 D10

Scream

The kid's grandpa passed away yesterday. I knew hom since I was 13. That's a long damn time ago. Must have been around 85 or so. Sad.

Was productive yesterday. Got a lot done at work which is good because today and tomorrow I am stuck in all day meetings. Made peanut lime shrimp for dinner. Streamed. Went to bed. 

ANA Y5 D9

Scream

It kicked in yesterday too. During my 4 hour new employee bullshit. 30 people in a room. Forced socialization. Forced activity. It was hell. Pure HR and marketing hell. My social battery was drained after that.

It's hot. Real hot. Not happy. 

ANA Y5 D8

Silent so far

Watched videos. Had leftovers. Went to bed. 

ANA Y5 D7

Scream sigh

Had a productive Sunday. We did yard work together. Did C's laundry. Had pizza for dinner. Recorded some videos for the channel. Took a good nap. Home today, in the office all the rest of the week. Boo. 

ANA Y5 D6

Back to screaming. Oh well.

I had one day of relief and I will take it. Had a very busy day yesterday. Got my hair did. Very happy. We did a new cut and style. I really like it. Did laundry. Cleaned the house. Recorded two videos for the channel. Made char sui pork for dinner. Went on a late night walk. 

I reconnected with my old friend yesterday. He's had a lot of shit happen to him over the years, some good some sad. It was nice catching up. I am glad he is doing well. I am also glad he is supportive of me and my journey. You never know how someone is going to feel about things. Especially when they knew you in your old life. But it was nice. 

Have to do C's laundry this morning. But that's the only task on the horizon. 

ANA Y5 D5

Silence

And maybe I can hold it today. I don't have to drive anywhere except to my hair appointment. Maybe, just maybe I will get a full day of relief. Here's hoping.

Spent the day watching videos and learning software. On my way to a credential in it. The plumber also came. $510. BUT we do appear to finally have hot water again. I took a shower last night and had to turn it down! I am really hoping our problems with water are done. Live streamed. Paid bills. Went to the grocery store. Made burgers for dinner. Was a busy day while doing not a whole lot.

Excited for my hair appointment in 3 hours. 

ANA Y5 D4

Scream

I have said silence a couple days this week when in fact the minute I hit the road it turned into screaming. From the pressure in the car driving to work. I'm fine until about 30 minutes into the drive and then it slowly starts pressurizing and boom. Screaming. I have tried cracking a window. I have tried driving in silence. Nothing has helped. It's the change in climate, the road noise, the stress of going into the office. Today I woke up with it so fuck me.

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday on linkedin. I haven't replied to his message yet, not because I don't want to, more out of making sure I had the time to reply with more than a sentence or two. I don't know what prompted me to reach out in the first place. Maybe me feeling lost lately. I don't know. I need to process a bit. 

I got into it with my new boss a bit yesterday. I was crankier towards hom than I should have been. I have to be in the office Thurs and Fri next week because of some vendor all day training. Something that very easily could be done remotely. This drive is pissing me off and he was unhappy when I said I would WFH on Monday then. He didn't like I was changing my days again. I asked him why did it even matter? "Company policy blah blah blah". Fuck that. 90% of my damn job can be done remotely. I need to be in the office like 2 days a MONTH not 3 a week. I snapped at him a bit about it. But I am WFH from Monday whether people like it or not.

Need to take dog out. Need to pay bills. Need to wait for plumber. Someday I will get a break. Not today. 

ANA Y5 D3

Silence, finally.

Let's see if it lasts.

Worked. Made dinner. Went to bed. My life. 

ANA Y5 D2

Scream

The shower is NOT fixed. None of the taps are. Cold shower again yesterday. So done with this. They are coming back out Friday and not leaving until I have hot water. No more excuses. My head started screaming yesterday on the drive to work and hasn't stopped. My lamb chops went bad and had to be thrown out. Ended up making chicken. Fuck everything right now. 

ANA Y5 D1

Silence

The plumbing issue is resolved. But it might only be termporary. There was a rubber seal that was broken inside the tank. They were able to repair it, but if it happens again, then it needs to be replaced at the tune of $500. Let's hope it lasts until we can sell this place. That was my morning. From there not much else was going on. Worked, made dinner, went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D365

Scream

This is it! The end of another year! Wow. What a year. From my head to my job to everything in between. Concerts. Dog. Job. Yeah I said that twice.

Still have no hot water. Plumber be here at 8 hopefully. I am hoping we get it resolved today. I am done with cold showers. We didn't do much of anything yesterday. Took dog for a walk. Watched some TV. Stayed inside. 

ANA Y4 D364

Scream

Replaced the kitchen faucet and no change. Still have a cold shower. I gave in and called a plumber. They will be here tomorrow morning. I am at my wit's wend with all this. I think it's something in the tank. Despite what they say. 

Went out to dinner last with A&B. We went to a nice Italian place. Did my 3rd stream. 3 hour session of Paralives. Went to bed around 1am. 

ANA Y4 D363

Scream

My head is back, the shower is still cold and I don't know what to do. I replaced the diverter and cartridge last night but it isn't helping. I am going to replace the kitchen faucet today and see what that does. If anything. If that still doesn't work I have to have the plumbers back out here. I may call a different company this time.

Worked on my strategy document. Made my second streaming video. 

ANA Y4 D362

Silence

Well, I am officially a streamer! I did my first live stream last night. Had 5 people watching. I have 9 subscribers and my first video is up to 22 views! Look at me go! I am streaming me playing "cozy games" and simulation games. No mic, no cam. Just background music and the game. Who knows where this will go??

Worked on my strategy document. Made salmon. Watched tv. Did my stream. Almost the weekend. 

ANA Y4 D361

Silence

Just a few more days and we will finish off another year. Soon it will be year in review time. Woo!

Worked on a 6mo, 1 year, and 5 year strategy document yesterday. Had a two hour meeting to review it. Guess what? I work for a real corporation. It's so weird. Things like OKRs. Objecectives, Key Results. Like reall annual performance reviews. Measured KPIs. Weird shit man.

Also I set up a new youtube channel last night. Going to stream cozy games. No camera, no mic. Just me playing games and recording the results. I have five subscribers already. Granted I know all of them, but the numbers are there! I told C I just need to make enough a month for her to quit. You never know.

Shower won't get repaired until tomorrow. For now, we have cold water. Lovely. 

ANA Y4 D360

Scream

Our shower is broken again. Can't take this any more. So done. 

ANA Y4 D359

Scream

Head is screaming bad. I hope it calms down.

Went on a walk yesterday. Spent time outside. Off to work. Whee. 

ANA Y4 D358

Silence.

My head broke around 1pm yesterday. Very grateful. Let's see if I can keep it going for a full day.

Took care of the lawn, went to the store, did C's laundry. Made pizzas for dinner. Overall it was a good day. Going to enjoy my day off. 

ANA Y4 D357

Scream

8 days until a new year. 

Still raining out. Can't mow the lawn sadly. But I have one more shot tomorrow.

Spent the day inside. Rearranged the kitchen to fit all our containers. Did towels. Moved my desk to be more efficient for work. Made little chickens for dinner. Watched a movie. Went to bed around 1am. 

ANA Y4 D356

Scream

The start of three days off. We were supposed to have Amici's last night but neither of us wanted to go out so we ordered in sushi. It started raining because of course it did. My first long weekend working and it's going to rain for most of it. But I will get more downtime in July. I sent out pre-invites to my birthday dinner. 6 people invited, 3 yes 1 no 2 maybe so far. I gave everyone notice because I want to go to a Brazilian steakhouse and that's not cheap. Giving everyone fair warning. Plus it's on a Monday night over a holiday weekend. I didn't expect 100% yes. 

Today I am going to work on the kitchen. Going to move some stuff around, clean some things out. I need to make room for all this stuff I have been getting at the sample store. Right now it's taking over our poor dining room table. Not cool.

I hope my head shuts up. 

ANA Y4 D355

Scream

 Pressure is changing rapidly. Rain is coming in. And I am paying the price. Got my first paycheck. $200 difference BUT $107 of that was to my 401k. In reality I was about $120 less per check. I can make that work. Just have to be around long enough to get one raise and I should stabilize that. Now to pay bills and see how much it really hurts.

Read manuals yesterday. Same today. We had no water until about 6:15pm from 8am. Made burgers so I could minimize dishes and water needs. Went to the grocery store and spent $200 on food.

Just make it through today and I get three off. 

ANA Y4 D354

Silence

11 days until we start a new year. 17 years I have been writing this. My ramblings and thoughts. Some day I will rpint it all out.

Had a good day yesterday. We had a vendor sponsored lunch at a local pizza place and it was a good social time for me. I got to meet some of the other people on the team I don't normally interact with, learned about them, shared small tidbits about myself, and opened up dialogs. Even though I am no good to the vendor, it was useful for me to go. I also scored points with my boss as I found a good set of documents to read the next few days.

Made chicken for dinner. Watched some tv, went to bed. Five days of no commute. Let me at it.

ANA Y4 353

Silence

It came back yesterday on my ride in. The weather is all over the place again. Rain, hot, sticky.

Had my first 1:1 with my boss. Went well. I delivered more in three weeks than he had expected. I am doing okay. Went to the sample store and got some more stuff. Dinner was shawarna because my chicken didn't defrost. Went to bed.

ANA Y4 D352

Silence

My boss is finally back in the office. He was unavailable yesterday as he had over 600 emails to get through. But him and I are meeting at 9am today. This should be interesting. I worked on my scripts, did some reading, came home, made Birthday Dog her steaks, went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D351

Scream

It's hot in here. Whole house is hot.  Head screaming. Not in the mood to drive an hour. 

ANA Y4 D350

Scream

We had a BLAST last night. It was so much fun seeing a band in a small little venue. There was maybe 150 people there. So intimate. The band spent half the time in the audience versus the stage which made it even better. Okay, well the guitarist and the singer. Not the WHOLE band. Duh. The day itself was uneventful. Did laundry, cleaned the house. Ordered a pizza for dinner.

Nothing on the agenda for today! 

ANA Y4 D349

Scream.

Finished revamping my script code yesterday. It works and I am in compliance with company standards. Good way to end week 3. Did my laundry so one less thing for today. C took care of a leaking tire. Got her new meds too. Slept poorly.

Raining right now but it better stop as we have a concert tonight! Hell's Belles at a small club. Very excited about it. 

ANA Y4 D348

Scream

Well Cat has a new machine. $2300 we didn't have but we figured it out because that's what we do. Now she has the nicest machine in the house. AMD Ryzen, 5070ti. I went to bed while she was still setting it up.

I broke down yesterday. Everything finally caught up with me and I just had a good crying session. Very cathartic. On the workfront, I got OpenAI access yesterday. Big hurdle crossed. Had a vendor meeting. Did emails. Business business business. 

Week three of 520 almost done. 

ANA Y4 D347

Silence so far.

Cat's machine died last night. Like dead dead. No boot, no beep, no nothing. It's just dead. We don't have the money right now to buy her a new one. I don't know what we're going to do. This is so fucked up.

Work was fine. 

ANA Y4 D346

Scream. Yesterday's silence turned into scream too.

Busy day yesterday. I made progress in my attempts to get data. I set a meeting with a vendor to understand their stuff. I dealt with IT.  

ANA Y4 D345

Silence

Nothing exciting to report. Went to work. Worked on stuff came home. Made chicken sammiches for dinner. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D344

Silence

Quiet day. Did the rest of the laundry. Spent time outside with doggo. Ate through all the leftovers in the fridge for dinner. Nothing exciting but nothing bad either. Time to go to the styrofoam mines.

ANA Y4 D343

Still screaming.

I had an incredibly busy day yesterday. Took the dog to the groomers, did towels, did my laundry, mowed the front yard, made ribs, took apart the kitchen faucet, replaced the diverter in the shower. I guess that's it. Felt like more.

Today I have to mow the backyard. Whee. 

ANA Y4 D342

Back to screaming.

Good day yesterday. Wrote my second AI python app. It now scans a TMDL file and returns back a data dictionary. Not too shabby. I also scheduled a meeting with the head of analytics on the other side of the company. 

We had thai for dinner. Watched some tv. Today is groomer day for doggo, laundry, and lawn mowing. Whee. 

ANA Y4 D341

Silence

Got my first "paycheck" today. Half a check. But it was $130 more than a half a check would have been. That difference in insurance really does make a difference. I won't know for sure until the 22nd when I get a full check, but it still makes me happy today.

I had a rough day yesterday. My head wouldn't let up no matter what. Made it hard to focus and function. Somehow I still managed to write a Python app that called a local LLM, scanned a directory, read the .DOC and .PDF files, read the first 4000 characters, and gave a 1-2 line summary which it dumped into a CSV file. I am going to use this as a starting point to read the current models out in the environment and tell me what data sources and tables are being used. Not bad for week 2, eh? If I get the new code working I will feel pretty good for where I am. Next week I will meet with the DBAs and ask for access based on my findings. 

I also managed to replace the diverter in the shower. That still needs some work. Even though I got it replaced, the new one has a governor on it that is making the water "hot" but not hot enough for me. I need to take it all apart again, move the block over two notches, then reassemble. Hopefully this will put an end to my water issues. Hopefully.

For dinner I made chicken parm. I also went to the grocery store last night. We're good until next payday is my hope. We might get lean towards the end, but we will figure it out. Watched some tv and went to bed. I am less tired this week which is good. I think last week waking up at 3am in the hotel and then pushing through the days hurt me. At least now when I am home I get an extra bit of sleep. Not a lot. Sadly not on the weekend either. Tomorrow is dog groomer so I have to be up early for that. 

ANA Y4 D340

Scream

Yesterday was crazy. As of right now, I technically have no boss. So some backstory. I haven't seen my actual boss since my first day. He was scheduled to be out that first week I started for an event. No big deal right? A few days on my on my own, meet people, get familiar. Well, his wife is sick and she ended up having surgery scheduled for Monday. It was supposed to be a simple surgery, out by Tuesday. He was planning to be back in the office yesterday. Yeah, no.

He popped his head into my office around 8am yesterday morning and this was clearly a man who hadn't slept in days. Surgery complications. She was still in the hospital. He is going to be out for at least another week. What I learned is when this happens and someone takes an official Leave of Absence, they fully shut you out. He has no email, no access. For the next week and a half, he doesn't exist. That means I now on paper report into the EVP. Who we all know doesn't really have time for me. I am on my own. This will be the ultimate test of my character. I am still plodding along learning things. I had my LOTO training yesterday. Lock Out Tag Out is the full name. Learning how to properly turn off machinery for safety. Those of us in these kind of positions actually get personalized locks. I also have meetings with other people scheduled. I am okay just find it funny. I did spend time yesterday writing an agent that scanned a directory, read the files in the directory and moved them to proper folders. That was kind of cool. I will spend more time on stuff like that today.

Got home around 5, made cheesesteaks for dinner. Home the next few days. Let's see what the rest of this week brings. 

ANA Y4 D339

Silence

Yesterday was a rollercoaster. First I had to sit through this 90 minute town hall meeting with like 50+ people. There was at least seven different presenters and I swear I felt like a 10 year old in a college physics class. Just terms and things flying at me with me having zero understanding of what everything met. It was very overwhelming and frustrating. I spent a good chunk of the day trying to find every document on the internal sites to learn what all these things meant. I finally had a meeting with some data people in the afternoon and I even thanked them for speaking a language I finally understood. The day ended positively but man it was hard.

Came home, made burgers. I have only about 4 hours at home before I have to go to bed so I am trying to not to waste them but jeez it's hard. I am just so tired. Getting up at 4:30 isn't helping.

Let's do it again. 

ANA Y4 D338

Scream. It came back during my drive to work which sucked.

Had a really boring ass day yesterday. Sat in my office and played with data models that are not all that good sadly. I have five hours of meetings today which will at least make the day go faster. I did take a slightly different route home which also helped. A litttle less traffic. Nothing else to report right now. 

ANA Y4 D337

Silence

Back to the office I go. I am sleeping in REM cycles again. Waking up every two hours. It's annoying as hell. Had a quiet day yesterday. Didn't do much. C worked which screwed me up. I was confused all weekend. Cleaned the house. 

I don't want to go. 

ANA Y4 D336

Scream

More weird dreams. In one, my car had been stolen by these hillbillies who took one of the wheels off. In another I was being robbed on a plane. Theme much?

It was weird yesterday. C was home and has to work today which is backwards. I have to go back to the office tomorrow. I don't know. My brain is all over the place.  

ANA Y4 D335

Scream

I had the most vivid and strange dream last night. I was on the moon. Living in a domed city. I was getting sushi with Kanye. There's more to it, but that was the overall theme. Very strange.

I worked yesterday and it was odd. Unlike before when I "worked" I actually felt the need to be right here next to my machine. I didn't get anything from anyone important but it was my first week and I wasn't going to be slacking off. But hey, I did it, I survived my first week. Only 519 to go. 

ANA Y4 D334

Scream.

Made it through my first remote day. I also dealt with a plumbing issue. One thing that I think is going to frustrate me, and this would have been true regardless of job I took, is how much for granted I took being able to do multiple things during the day. Now I have actual people sending me emails. Now I have actual people reaching out to me via teams. For the last year my emails had dried up to one or two a week not an hour. It wasn't quite that bad yesterday, but I definitely felt like I had to be right here more than before. Plus way more meetings. I did sit through a ton of HR videos and stuff yesterday. I also got all my benefits done which kick in officially today. I have insurance again! Including life insurance. The company pays for 2x salary and I added an extra 50k on top of that. If something happens to me, I know C can at least pay off this house. Plus the kid gets enough to help towards her retirement. Oh, speaking of that, I can finally enroll in a 401k! Not a lot, but as long as I enroll, the company auto deposits money for me. Not just a match, but actual contribution! It's like an extra paycheck every year going straight into savings. I will take it!

The plumbing issue is a whole different story. I had them come back out to check the water heater. The problem is not there. Either the kitchen sink or the shower head has a stuck diverter allowing cold water to get into the hot water. Because the shower is more generic, I tackled that one first. Sadly the part I need is not in stock and won't be here until Sunday. I had to take the old one apart, figure out what I needed, order it, then put it all back together. Now I get to do the same thing on Sunday. This is what I mean by not having enough time to do what I want to do. But I will figure it out.

I am so looking forward to this weekend. Hair appointment on Sunday. 

ANA Y4 D333

Scream

I am back home. Honestly the drive home wasn't too bad until I got 1 mile from my exit. It took me about 45 minutes to get to my exit AND THEN 20 MINUTES to get off the freeway and home. Like WTF? I was fine all the way until that last stretch. I may need to find an alternate route once I get back near home. Regardless, I am happy to be home. I unpacked, set up my new home workstation, and gave my pack big hugs.

I met with 9 more people yesterday. I seriously did more socializing this week than I have in the last six months. I have two more meetings today but then it will calm down a bit. I also got to take a tour of our internal machine tools plant. That was actually really cool. It was a very interesting look at the how things are done. 

I also made dinner when I got home. That's going to be the hard part M-W. Working, driving, and taking care of the house. It's going to tire me out. But it will work out. It has to. 

ANA Y4 D332

Day two of silence. Are we headed for a record? Is it because I am not at home? Is it because I am gainfully employed and doing something for the first time in over a year? Time will tell.

Day 2 was both calmer and yet more exhausting than day one. I met with so many people and took so many notes. I also spent the day trying to get my computer in a state that was usable for me. By that I mean the same kind of stuff I would do with any new computer. Set things the way I want, change layouts, etc BUT as I feared I am limited. For example there are three icons I literally cannot delete off the desktop. I fucking hate that. Like every damn IT department I have ever dealt with, if you're not in IT you must be an idiot. Which is frustrating given that my group has some of the smartest people I have ever met in it. But no, we're too stupid to be allowed admin access to our own machines. Pisses me off. Of course I will grin and bear it because it was day two, but ask me how I feel on day 200. Went to dinner with the friend of C who got me into the company. That was fun.

I miss my pack and I can't wait to go home tonight. I am going to squish their little faces so hard. 

ANA Y4 D331

Silence.

Well I did it. I made it through my first day. It was a long day. I was up at 4:30, left the house around 6:15 and got there a couple minutes after 7. I feel like I am living back in California and have a standard commute again. Thanks, I hate it. It wasnt bad, just long. But if we do it short term, fine. Regardless, I got there in one piece and stopped first at the grocery store to get some snacks and a drink. Went in to HR around 8:45. I didn't do full HR orientation as they do that on Tuesdays. I will do all that today. I just got my i9 information verfied and got my badge. Around 9, I went over to my building and from there spent the rest of the day with my new boss being given the firehose of information. I am officially part of the "Control Engineering" group. There are roughly 15 of us on this team. I spent the entire day learning more than I ever wanted or needed to know about the business. Honestly so much of what was dumped on me is stuff that really is irrelevant to my actual job but was still interesting to know. It does give me context for things, but it was a lot. See he is out the rest of this week and I think he wanted to just give as much info as he could. I did learn things about him which will help with knowing how to work with him and what his expectations are. I learned he is autistic and that most of the people in our group are neurodivergent. In other words, my kind of people. He did take me to lunch with other folks on the team. He has 4 direct reports including me, one of whom is a manager with 9 direct reports. So right now I am technically 2 down from the top of the chain. He reports into the EVP and I report into him. I don't have any "manager" level in between me and leadership essentially. That makes me happy because it means my voice will be heard by actual decision makers. It also means I am very exposed and have to give my best. Lunch was okay. We went to a mexican place that we also have near us so I knew what to expect. Again, it was okay. I am not a huge fan but it worked. I headed out around 4:30pm and got to the hotel around 4:45. From there I ordered pizza for dinner. I will be bringing some to the office today for lunch. I need to figure out where a fridge is this morning. Today after HR and all day tomorrow, he has scheduled meetings for me with other department heads so I can introduce myself and learn about their needs.

I will say I think I will enjoy it here. It's just the commute that's going to kill me. 

ANA Y4 D330

Well here it is. My first day back in an office. My head is screaming and I am anxious. But let's do this! I have to shower, load up the car and get rolling. I am axcited and scared all at the same time. I didn't do much of anything yesterday. Just enjoyed my last day off. Let's see how this goes. This is going to be my place of work hopefully for the next 10 years. This is going to change things. A new adventure awaits!

ANA Y4 D329

This is it. My last day. My head is back which surprises me a bit to be honest. I was expecting it to stay gone. Interesting.

Did laundry, towels, sheets. Packed for this week. Friend dropped by unplanned ended up staying for dinner. Not much else going on. 

ANA Y4 D328

Silence.What if all this was job and stress related? What if it goes away now that I am starting this new job? How messed up is that?

 Had therapy yesterday. Got to share my happy news. Managed to get a walk in before it started raining. Went to have pizza with a friend to celebrate my new job but sadly the place was packed with a line out the door. Ended up at one of our favorite ramen places instead. Had a good time.

Standard Saturday chores today. With the added bonus of packing for next week. Only two more days!! 

ANA Y4 D327

Mostly silent. A little residual but nothing unbearable.

Paid all the bills last night. That was it. We would not have made it any longer. I have $1k coming from unemployment to help me on the 8th when I only get a half check, but I need a paycheck coming in. This was down to the wire. But we did it. We didn't argue. We didn't freak out either.

I was just having the weirdest dream. Elevators, schools, being late, cars - all recurring themes in my dreams. Anxiety about starting a new job? Anxiety about everything? Maybe. Desire to change? Probably. Desire to be free? Definitely.

Last three days of being irresponsible. Woo. 

ANA Y4 D326

As expected, silence. Hit yesterday. This is what keeping track of data allows - pattern recognition. If I can see the pattern I can learn to live with it? Maybe?

Dog of course stopped limping. She was fine all day because why wouldn't she be? I also learned yesterday that when a new hire starts it triggers a bunch of automated emails. So people already know about me and are asking questions. But the upside is I found out I am getting an office!! I was prepared for cubicle life, but nope, I get an office with a small window! On the negative, apparently new hires pictures and bios are put on TVs all around the different buildings. I am less thrilled about that. They're only supposed to stay up for like a month but some stay up longer if there's nothing new to bump them off. I do not want to walk around and see my face everywhere. I am used to being invisible. The name spoken in whispers. Now? Front and damn center. Okay. We will make it work.

I also did some deep dive research yesterday on what to do with my lease. Bottom line? I am keeping my car. I am going to put a ton of miles on it in the next six months but then nothing. But the real issue is there is nothing comparable in my price range that makes it worth it. No hybrid big enough. No crossover with the same features cheap enough. The only one that comes close is a Volvo which doesn't get that much better gas mileage AND prices out to $62k. For a Volvo!! I will just keep mine for the next 10 years and be happy. Smart thing to do.

I mowed the front yard yesterday morning. We're the only house in the immediate section with a fresh mow. Ha! Everyone else looks raggedy except ours. Take that neighbords! Might do the back today. Spent a good deal of time outside too. Just sitting in the sun. Oh how I have missed you sun. 

ANA Y4 D325

Head is still screaming, dog is still limping. Not happy. I took her to the vet yesterday and got an all clear but then she started limping again in the evening. I left a message at the vet. We shall see. Five more days and I start my new job!

ANA Y4 D324

Still screaming. I had expected it to break today. Hmm. The pattern is one day off. Interesting.

Got my final confirmation of hire yesterday. I am officially an employee! My new boss is also putting a blurb about me in the "Engineering Newsletter". WTF? There are so many things I am going to have to get used to again working in office and in a real company. No more just being a whispered name in the dark. People will like want to talk to me. Ew. I sent my no thank you emails to two other companies yesterday. That felt pretty good. No thanks, I have a job! Take that suckers!

Did laundry. Made vet appointment for her paws. Dealt with work. Made salmon for dinner. Few more days of peace then it's back to the grind for 3650 days of my life. 

ANA Y4 D323

Been up and going at it for a while now. New boss sent me email over weekend apologizing for not getting back sooner. He confiirmed a few things and I am glad I read it. There's a discrepancy in the start date. HR wants Tuesday 4/28, he wants Monday 4/27. He will get back to me soon. He also told me they are getting me a 27" 4k monitor, a work phone, and they offer a $150 shoe credit for the floor through Grainger!! I sent off a reply to him, turned down the other two interviews, and am now waiting for a week. 

Took doggo outside. She isn't limping any more but I still want vet to check her. Waiting for their phone call. They don't open until 9am sadly. 

I just quickly looked at Grainger's site. Holy crap! So many choices of cute work boots and shoes!! I am so excited.

New pans will be here by Wednesday. This should be a good week. Head still screaming though. Oh well. 

ANA Y4 D322

Scream. Pattern holding.

Quiet day. C is working ALL weekend so we didn't do much. Add to it that it's raining and well, not much going on. Doggo is still hurt. I called the vet to see her this week. Did laundry. Cleaned. Played games. 

ANA Y4 D321

I think I will rename starting in the new year. This chapter is over. Oh, still screaming btw. If the pattern holds, I should be silent tomorrow. Let's see.

Well here's another twist; at 4:48pm I got a request for another interview at another company. When it rains, it pours. I didn't decline because I haven't received 100% go from Dart yet. I don't think anyone was in the office yesterday to reply. I am hoping I hear back from them on Monday. Then I will cancel my Tuesday, decline this other one, and look forward to starting.

We had some drama last night. Doggo had a small piece of glass in her paw pad. She was limping. We were able to rinse it out but now she's on medical watch. No running, no rough housing. If she isn't improved by Monday, off to the vet we go. As long as we don't see blood or pus coming out of it, we can wait until then. However if when she gets up this morning I see anything, then I will take her somewhere today. Fun eh?

Other than dog drama, there shoudn't be anything on my plate today. Laundry, cleaning and typical Saturday stuff is the agenda. 

ANA Y4 D320

Scream.

I wasn't feeling good last night. I fell asleep at like 7:30pm. Got back up at 9 to brush my teeth and went right back to bed. My stomach is all crampy. Plus I was feeling exhausted. I think the rush of the last few days finally caught up with me. 

I did my drug test yesterday. As of 1pm the online portal showed everything as complete for background. I am going to email this morning and make sure we are green light for me to start on the 28th. If I get a positive response, then I can relax for 10 days. No more job hunting, no more stressing. I just need a final confirmation. I will still apply to two more jobs so I can claim one last round of unemployment. That $1000 buffer will hold me until I can get my first paycheck at Dart. 

Made tuna for dinner. Doing lamb shwarma tonight.  

ANA Y4 D319

Scream, which doesn't make sense. Or at least it continues to rule out mental? Why because I really have nothing to be stressed about. At 9:40am yesterday I got an email from HR asking if they could call me. Um duh? Now the fact they wanted to call was positive. If they couldn't meet my number at all, they would have just sent an email. Either they met my number OR they got close and were going to sell me on the company. Well guess what? They met my number baby!

They re-tiered the position to make it "Staff Engineer" which according to my internal contact is the highest non-reporting level one can get before moving to a manager with reports role. He is very excited because it also means he gets the max referral bonus of $2k. Good for him!! I spent the day doing paperwork. Took care of all my onboarding. Submitted the background check. All that's left is the drug test this morning at 8am. I am leaving soon for that. Once that is done and both the background and drug come back clean, I am officially a new hire! My start date will be 4/28. Which means that I get about 11 days where I have no stress or worries. I am going to still apply for jobs so I can claim unemployment for these last two weeks off. That will be some bridge money in case I don't get a full paycheck for a while. Plus I will still have about $3000 in savings. 

I am not worried about the drug but who knows what will come up in the background. Nothing I hope, but again, who knows? I just want a green light. I do have a second round interview with The Hartford next week but if everything looks good, I may cancel it. While they will pay more money, we talked about it last night and the truth is, I would probably be bored. I have spent the last six years stuck in this house. Do I really want to keep that up? Do I really want to deal with insurance reporting for the next 10 years? Over time I will get where I want with salary because now I will be at a company that does actual merit increases. It will take 1-2 years to beat my past salary and 5 to beat Hartford, but so what? At least along the way I will be having fun. Plus we need to move. This is the path to us moving. We get out of this house and into something smaller that's ours not mine. 

Please send all the good vibes, prayers, magic, and voodoo that nothing disrupts this. 

ANA Y4 D318

Silence.

Yesterday was insane. We dealt with an ant invasion in the kitchen. I got all the paperwork from Dart but then an email saying they are working on the number so I am still in limbo. We took the dog for a walk and almost melted. Honestly I guess that's it? It just seemed way more intense when it was all going on. I really need to hear back today to know what the situation is. I am a ball of anxiety. I did go through all the paperwork and my benefits will be good. I will be on BCBS instead of UHC. But I can keep the same prescription service. More importantly, my monthly contribution towards insurance will go down $300 a month. The advantage of working for a big company. I was paying $400 out of pocket before and my new plan will be $122 a month. That makes up for some of the potential salary deficit. 80 hours of vacation in the first year, possibly more if they change the job tier to accomodate my salary. Same dental and vision plans, just cheaper. Tentative start date of 3/28 based on drug test and background check. I don't expect to have any issue with either of those. I just need to hear back today. I am going crazy.

ANA Y4 D317

Scream.

Well, I have good news and I have bad news. Good news, I got an offer. Bad news, it was WAY too low. Like 2009 numbers low. So I am technically in the negotiation phase. I am hoping to hear a revised number today. Even with the revised number I am not stopping my interviews with other companies. They are still offering more. We shall see what happens over the next 24-48 hours. 

ANA Y4 D316

Still screaming.

On the positive side, the weather is nice. We went on a three mile walk yesterday. Went out for fro-yo. Pulled out the blackstone for dinner. Something to be happy about. Did laundry. C had a hair appointment. Was a decent day except for my head. 

ANA Y4 D315

Back to screaming. I had a full 24 hours of silence. It was beautiful. But alas, here we are again.

Did laundry. Took dog for walk. Made a pork tenderloin for dinner.  

ANA Y4 D314

Silence.

For once I have real things to share. Had a fun time outside the house last night. We took a friend to K-pot for dinner. It wasn't horribly busy either which was nice. After dinner we came back here for cake and socializing. Was good to interact and have time away. Before we left though I got an email from yet another company wanting to do an interview next week. Nice way to end the week for sure! This means I now have three BIG companies interested in me. I can do this. I can make it. I have to make it. 

ANA Y4 D313

Silence.

Couldn't sleep. Went to bed around 10:30, got up 11:45, stayed up until 1:45. Did bills. Sat around all day stressed and waiting. This is my life and it's ending one minute at a time.

ANA Y4 D312

Still screaming still waiting. Nothing to do but stress. Nothing to do but go insane.

ANA Y4 D311

Scream.

Interview went well but...

They are a huge, old company. There will be at least two more rounds of interviews plus a case study round. Which means this will take weeks. I don't have weeks. I am running out of options. I am running out of money. It's a really good fit too. It's a perfect role for me. I just don't know if I can wait them out.

Made salmon for dinner. Whee. 

ANA Y4 D310

Scream. Which really sucks because I have another interview this morning. I was doing my daily applications and I applied for a job at The Hartford. Within two hours they had reached out for an interview. This is a job right up my alley. Something to get excited about. Director level, fully remote, solid company. I do not want to make a bad first impression. I have got to push down everything going on in my head. I need this fucking job. Like now.

ANA Y4 D309

Scream. It kicked back in around 10am yesterday and hasn't stopped. The mental dread of another monday? The impending doom on the horizon?

We had a slow morning and then headed to C's sister's around 1. Got there a little after 3 as we had to stop twice for the dog. Hung out until 8pm and got home around 10. It was a quiet time just visiting. Nothing exciting.

Please send me all the good vibes this week. I need them. 

ANA Y4 D308

Still quiet. Last night I went to go to bed around 11pm and realized I just wasn't tried yet. Instead I ended up staying up until 1:30am. Best decision ever. I slept HARD and solid. I think that's why silence. Sleep is the one definable factor in all this.

Had hair appointment yesterday. Did laundry. Made chili cheese dogs for dinner.

Visiting C's family later in the day. 

ANA Y4 D307

Silence. Bless. I am noticing a trend in severity. I can almost predict when the silence will come. More data points are needed but I might have some additional clues.

Didn't do much yesterday. Binged a TV show C doesn't care about. 

Hair appointment today. 

ANA Y4 D306

 Still screaming.

 My interview went well. Sadly they have one more candidate to interview next week. Which means I won't be at the top of their minds. I think I did well and hope it gets me the job. We shall see. The drive was okay. It would have been better if it wasn't raining. All I can do is hope and pray. 

ANA Y4 D305

Screaming. Not today. Please god, not today. I am about to leave for my interview in 2 hours. Fuck me.

ANA Y4 D304

Back to the screams. Slept like absolute shit last night. Don't know why. Couldn't fall asleep to save my life. Done with all this. Just want to go away. I want to be done with everything.

ANA Y4 D303

Silence.

Went on a three mile walk yesterday. Taking dog to vet this morning. Two more days until interview. 

ANA Y4 D302

Silence. Thankfully.

Sweat like a pig all night. I didn't turn the heat up but for some reason I was hot as hell all night long. With C at work yesterday didn't do a whole lot. I managed to take dog for a walk. This is the week of my interview. Stressed. Week 9 of being unemployed. 

ANA Y4 D301

Screaming. Had a small break yesterday but here we are.

Busy day yesterday. I was up early. Did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and straightened the living room before I took the dog to the groomer. Got back, C had done more cleaning. We worked together to get the house ready for company. Around 3 I started my lasagne. C's coworker came over around 5. We had a nice time. Food was good. We watched a movie. She headed out around 10. We went to bed around 11.

Nothing planned for today. 

ANA Y4 D300

Still screaming.

There's something wrong with the bed. My back has been killing me. I've adjusted it twice. I think with the rapid weather changes it's been losing pressure like car tires. But I am in serious pain this morning. I am so done with everything. Taking dog to groomer in a little while. Having C's coworker over for dinner. Making lasagne. 

ANA Y4 D299

Back to screaming. Bad screaming too.

Stress levels are high again. Fuck everything. 

ANA Y4 D298

Silence. It broke yesterday around 1pm. Been doing good since.

Quiet day. Weather also broke. We got to go on a walk. Another today too. Supposed to be really nice today finally. Might even make smashburgers outside tonight. We shall see. Just playing the waiting game. Waiting for interviews. Waiting for responses. Nothing else to report.  

ANA Y4 D297

Screaming

Couldn't sleep again last night. Tossed and turned from 10:30 until midnight. Got up until 1:30. Just stressed out. Got two rejections yesterday which didn't help my mood. I have one week until my onsite. I need this job, bad. I have to take it no matter what. Which is making me feel trapped. Made chinese pork for dinner. Watched tv. Froze my ass off. 

ANA Y4 D296

Head back.

As promised I didn't sit on my ass yesterday job wise. I applied to four new jobs, followed up on things. Nothing is done until it is done. I have one more week until my onsite. Things could change. It snowed here yesterday which really sucked. We had hoped to get outside, but nope. Made wraps for dinner. Watched a movie. 

ANA Y4 D295

Silence. Good.

The weather turned yet again. We tried to go for a walk because it said it was nice out. We failed to look at the 'feels like' which was 10 degrees less. The wind was biting and it was freezing. We barely made it 30 minutes. I felt bad for the dog, but fuck that. Today it will be back down in the low 30s. Are we done with this shit yet? Seriously.  I am over it already.

Did laundry. Made tuna for dinner. C's boss messaged last night and she might have to go into work today. We will see. I have one more week until my interview but I am still applying for shit until then. Nothing is solid until the dotted line is signed. 

ANA Y4 D294

Head is back. Strong. Sad.

Only excitement yesterday was when I almost killed us by making chemical gas. Don't mix drain chemicals kids. Things go poof and make clouds. I am okay but it was scary for a little while. Drain is open though it would appear. That's the good news? Seriously I poured one down there, it did nothing, I poured a second stronger one but there must have been some residual so it went POOF in a little cloud. I aired everything out, ran a fan, etc. But it was a scary few minutes. That was my excitement. Made cheesesteaks for dinner. 

Laundry today. Woo. 

ANA Y4 D293

Silence day 2.

They called and rescheduled for the 2nd instead of the first. They want to make sure everyone is in the office to meet me. Good? Bad? Not sure. They clearly are interested but they might be moving slower than I would like. Remember, it took them 37 days to even reach out. I might enjoy some place that moves at that pace, but I have to think about the financials. I am not going to slack off next week. Still going to apply at places. We were supposed to go to a movie, but C fell asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake her. She would have just been exhausted. We can always go to the movies some other time. No plans for this weekend.

ANA Y4 D292

Silence.

Folks, ya girl nailed it! We had a good 40 minute talk, he immediately invited me back for a second round onsite. They reached out and scheduled it 90 minutes after the call even before I could send a thank you email. I go onsite April 1st for 2-3 hours to meet the team. I feel this is mine to lose. Only thing that will break this is salary. We didn't discuss and they didn't list. This is a new role for them so I don't think they have any clue what this should pay. It could go one of two ways. They are unrealistically low, or they need to be ready to pay for someone with my background. We'll find out on 4/1. Until then, I am still applying and will still interview as it comes up.

In sadder news, Agador Spartacus passed away last night. Yes, I am talking about the cat that B took in the divorce. She'd been getting sick and I don't want to go into it right now, but she should have let her go last week. I feel she was being selfish. She didn't want blood on her hands but now she's got it anyway.

I am proud of C as well. She made the first step in getting herself squared away. She had a doc appointment yesterday where she get a formal diagnosis of ADHD and can now see about meds. She knew she was but needed the piece of paper. She really wants to be able to focus so she can move forward with her life and career. It's so nice to have an adult partner who knows what she wants and will actually get off her ass to achieve it.

We're going to a movie tonight. All in all, a pretty darn good week.

ANA Y4 D291

Today is the day. Day two of screaming of course.

Four hours until interview. Got to get in the shower but I am not getting dressed until 9am. Do not want anything going wrong. Talked to the unemployment office yesterday. Got that all squared away. Hopefully it will be settled. Caught up with former coworker as I had him help me test my teams for today. Very nervous but excited. 

Here goes nothing. 

ANA Y4 D290

Head back of course. Weather is freezing outside.

Went to my dentist office yesterday in person to try and negotiate my bill. I am glad I did. They knocked $150 off for me as a courtesy if I paid in full. Done and done. I now owe them nothing and feel better. All it took was polite asking. Can't want more than that.

Made quesadillas for dinner, watched some tv, did laundry. Nothing else going on because it snowed all day and was cold as hell out there. No respite from the weather until the weekend. Meeting with unemployment today, interview tomorrow. 

ANA Y4 D289

Good news: head quiet

Bad news:  had bad insomnia last night and was up until 2am. 

Good news: have a real job interview with a real company on thursday.

Bad news: it's an hour away

Good news: it's a hybrid role so I might only have to be in office one to two days a week

More good news: if the pay is good and the company is good, we would consider moving. 

This is my life. Up down all around. Back and forth. All damn day long. 

ANA Y4 D288

Scream

Michigan does not make it easy to collect unemployment. Apparently I messed up something and now they're trying to say I owe them money? WTF? I have to call this morning and put this right. I swear I am not over here trying to commit fraud. I just need to stay afloat until I can land a job. Their money isn't the best but it's keeping us going. Fuck. I am so fucking frustrated right now. I just wanted to make it to retirement. But right now I am not making it anywhere. You wonder why I want to kill myself? 

ANA Y4 D287

It broke yesterday for a while. Got about 14 hours of peace but it's back.

Got up early yesterday and started a slow cook pork butt. Made brownies. Our friend came over for dinner and we watched a movie. I took dog on walk. Did laundry. Cleaned house. 

ANA Y4 D286

Day seven. I am done with this shit.

Somehow I fucked up and my unemployment has been suspended. Of course I can't call until Monday so now I get to spend the weekend stressing. I am tired of being alive. I really am. I can't keep going like this. Something needs to give and soon or I am going out back to a tree. Speaking of trees our backyard is littered with broken branches due to 70mph winds yesterday. We lost power for 2 hours and 12 minutes. I had to cook dinner over a butane stove in fading light. That was oodles of fun. Went out at 3:37 and came back just as we finished dinner near 6. Can I just end it all, please? 

ANA Y4 D285

No improvement, no changes, no nothing. I am spiraling but I do have therapy today. I am also going to do an ear drain today to see if that helps. Otherwise, I am still in hell. 

ANA Y4 D284

Day 6. Fuck this life.

No news on the job front. No news about anything. Life sucks. 

ANA Y4 D283

My screaming has moved out of my hears and into my whole head. Fuck my life.

Went to the store. Made dinner. Took dog for walk. 

ANA Y4 D282

Scream.

Spent $700 yesterday having my damn water heater serviced. Water was only coming out at around 90 degrees. When he was done, it was back to 136.5. Took my first HOT shower in months this morning. We originally thought it was just because it had been so cold outside that it was struggling to heat up. Nope. Just needed to be flushed and descaled. The upside is that price included the pump and cables to do it in the future. Which means I can learn how to do it myself next year. It really should be done annually. C had doc appointment and everything went well for her. We took dog on two walks again. I am still struggling to connect with this place that wants an interview. Their software isn't sending out meeting invites correctly and the HR person seems clueless on how to work around it. Maybe something will come of that today. 

ANA Y4 D281

I just noticed I messed up yesterday's title. Whatever.

Mild scream today. Up early because water heater people coming between 8 and 12. Went on another walk yesterday. Very nice. Didn't feel good in the tummy so made soup and grilled cheese for dinner. Otherwise, quiet day.

Ana Y4 D280

Head screaming and clocks changed. HATE today. It's "7:30" but it's pitch black outside and I did not get renough sleep. 

Had hair appointment, stopped at the store, scheduled a service for our water tank, did laundry, took dog for TWO walks, made bento boxes for dinner, played games, watched a movie. Good filled day. 

ANA Y4 D279

It back.

Went to lunch with friend yesterday. Was nice. It rained on and off during the day then stormed like crazy last night. Fough the dog to go outside because for some reason she is a princess who hates being wet. Okay. Made pasta for dinner. Started new show. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D278

Still silent. Go me.

More importantly, I got an interview!! Working on the when but the win here is that my new resume is working and getting me into people's hands. I applied Wednesday, got an email requesting an interview yesterday. It's not really what I want sadly. It's another consulting company. But if it pays the bills while I find something else, then great. I know the skills are a fit, but not sure about culture. I will go to the interview, see what they have to say. But my hopes are low. Regardless, I got an interview and that's the win.

C got home very late last night but I still made a pork tenderloin, we finished a show, and we played games. Productive yet short evening together.

Having lunch with a friend today and hair appointment tomorrow. 

ANA Y4 D277

Blessed silence. I had to force myself to stay up until midnight and slept for 7 hours but it did the trick.

Applied to more jobs, watched TV, posted on linkedin, got my unemployment, went to the grocery store. 

ANA Y4 D276

We received Merlot's urn yesterday. It's very beautiful. Fitting memorial for the baby. 

That was weird. My whole window closed. Whatever. Thankfully it saved a draft. Anyway. 

Same shit different day. No interviews, two rejections. Just got to hold on. 

ANA Y4 D275

Still the same on all fronts.

We did get something nice yesterday. Chewy sent us flowers for Merlot. Very sweet and unexpected. Customer service at its best.

Tried a new burger place. It was really good. Made chicken sandwiches for dinner. Watched some tv. 

ANA Y4 D274

Nothing going on. Another week, no interviews. Time to apply to more jobs. It was cold as hell again yesterday. Currently 15 outside. Getting real tired of this weather. Time change next week. That will be annoying. We played games yesterday. Hung out. Played with dog. Watched TV. Tried some new shows. A quiet weekend day. Now it's back to trying to find a job. 

ANA Y4 D273

Still screaming. Welcome to March.

They dropped off Merlot yesterday. Of course when C got home and saw it she lost her shit. That was fun. We had pizza. Watched the end of Fallout. Let's see where this is going in season 3. Which will be in 2027 assuming we're all still here.

Cleaned the house. Like deep cleaned. Nothing else going on. 

ANA Y4 D272

Head's screaming. All week,

Little better yesterday. C only broke down twice. Worst was when they called to let us know her ashes will be delivered tomorrow. That killed her. We did go on a walk finally. That was nice. We watched some tv and she was so exhausted she slept on the couch from 8-11. I played games. 

ANA Y4 D271

Not much better around here. Day three of screaming. Still breaking down randomly. I broke down over a damn web page yesterday because I had to cancel Merlot's chewy autoship. Fuck me.

Had a good meeting with career coach. She's updating my resume even more. Have it back to me this weekend.

No plans for today or the weekend. 

ANA Y4 D270

Not doing much better around here right now. C is still breaking down any time she sees something that reminds her. She stayed home yesterday because she wasn't ready to deal with work shit yet. I get that. She's trying her best but it's hard. That was her companiion for 11 years. You don't forget that overnight. Applied for more jobs. Cleaned the house. Not much else going on.

ANA Y4 D269

We prepared for the worse but we still weren't prepared enough. Our sweet baby is gone. My fears and initial assessment were sadly correct. She had a stroke which was due most likely to a blood clot. It caused her to lose neuro function to her lower half. Her bladder and colon were severely full and impacted. This is why she was leaking urine all over. Even if we had "fixed" that in the immediate, it would have happened again and again because she couldn't control those parts of her body. We had to make the devastating decision based on her quality of life. C was destroyed. I was destroyed. It was gut wrenching and one of the hardest things either of us has ever had to do. If I start thinking too much right now, I am going to break down again. The rest of the day was basically a blur. This is the first time in nearly 30 years there hasn't been a cat in this house. It's weird. I cleaned up everything after we got home so C wouldn't have to do it. It was hard for me, but it would have been worse for her. I don't know what else I can say right now. Let's hope it hurts less today. Rest well sweet baby.

 

ANA Y4 D268

Silence still.

We couldn't get merlot in yesterday. She is cognitive, but not eating, peeing everywhere, and she has lost most use of her back legs. We are going in about 6 hours to the vet. We're hoping for a solution but prepping ourselves for worse case outcome.

Sunday we headed out around noon. On the way C realized she forgot her ear plugs. We stopped at a guitar center on the route. It gave us a chance to explore an area just outside downtown that we both found acceptable. Adds more options when we are ready to move. Got to the hotel a little before three. Because it was a Sunday in Feb, it was dead as a doornail. We got a nice suite on the top floor. Around 4 we went and had an early dinner. Sadly it was snowing all day and it was bitter cold. At 6:15 we walked over to the venue. Poor C was dying from the cold. We got there at 6:45, went straight in. The merch line was insane so we found our seats and then I went back to merch during the opening act. I got her a hoodie for the walk back. Made all the difference in the world. The venue is smaller than than the last one by about half. Even though we were only one row closer on paper, it felt like we were right on top of the stage. It was awesome. Show was incredible. He changed the playlist up slightly from last time too which was cool. Show let out around 10:45 and we walked back. C was wide awake. We found a late night cafe and drove to get a snack around 11:45. Got back to the hotel at 12:30, slept until 4:30 and headed home. The whole time we were stressed and worried about Merlot.

Picked up the dog, took care of things at home, and then she went back to sleep for a few hours. I alas did not. We didn't feel like cooking because of everything and had Korean BBQ for dinner last night. Went to bed at 8:30 as we're up at 4:30 again. She's going into work early allowing her to leave early to meet us at the vet.

Please keep Merlot in your thoughts and send good vibes. 

ANA Y4 D267

Incredible night. Day two of silence. Merlot is not doing well. Waiting for call from vet. More tomorrow.

ANA Y4 D266

Silence. Thank god.

Merlot is not doing better. I am really worried. Concert tonight. But it's being overshadowed by Merlot. I am worried we will come home to a deceased cat. FUCK. 

ANA Y4 D265

I'm up at 4am because of Merlot. She's taken a turn for the worse. Her back legs have seem to given up on her. We have an appointment Tuesday but I don't know if she will make it that long. We can't afford to go to an emergency vet either. My brain and head are both out of control right now.

ANA Y4 D264

I'm going to stop telling you if my head is screaming. Assume it is.

Applied for more jobs. Had a career coach meeting. Made additional changes to my resume to further get it past auto software. She 100% agreed that if I could just get a fucking interview, I could get a job. We were scheduled for 50 minutes, talked for 90. This is my issue. I can sell myself. I can hold my own in an interview. I am just not getting to a human. Pissing me off.

Made fajitas for dinner. Finished season 5 of slow horses. Played games. Two more days until NiN. 

ANA Y4 D263

Scream back. I am wondering if this is neuro and not aural at this point.

Not much yesterday. Went to a webinar on ageism in the job search. Most was common sense to me, but picked up a couple of good things. Have my coach meeting today. Got my first unemployment check. Just a few more days until the concert. 

ANA Y4 D262

Silence is back. I went to bed around 10, slept until 6:15, had solid sleep. Strong dreams. Weather changed again. I was reading yesterday that the rapid melting of snow on Monday released a shit ton of pollution and caused bad air quality. Have to wonder what the correlation is between that and my head.

Didn't find anything worth applying to yesterday sadly. I have hit things to hard too fast and now it is drying up. I will try again today. Made sausage rolls for dinner. Watched tv. Nothing else exciting going on in my life. Just a few more days until NiN part two! Much excite! 

ANA Y4 D261

Scream is back. I had two full days of silence. It was really nice. The weather changed dramatically overnight too which doesn't help things. I am hoping it will fade down a bit today.

Applied for more jobs. Submitted my unemployment. Let's see what comes of that. Nothing else new going on. 

ANA Y4 D260

Silent. I had about 9 hours yesterday and it came back. Let's see if I can go the whole day.

Cleaned. Did laundry. Had pizza for dinner. 

ANA Y4 D259

Blessed silence.

Got two more rejections while I slept. This tells me these things aren't being read by humans. They are going through fucking software and AI instead of people. Fuck this. Starting to get depressed. Really depressed.

Took dog to grromers. Went to store. Went to friend's house. Was depressed the whole time. Just want this to be over in any number of ways. 

ANA Y4 D258

Scream

Paid myself last night and took care of bills. This way I don't have to deal with it this morning. It's done and done. I gave myself exactly how much I would have received on a normal pay period. I was tempted to round up, but I stuck to my guns. Had a meeting with my old company about doing 1099 work but they couldn't come up with something that was less beneficial to me than unemployment. Sorry but why risk for sure money for a chance of money. It just didn't make financial sense. Applied to more jobs. Just playing the waiting game right now. Hopefully this will be over soon. Taking dog to groomer today. For the last time for a while sadly. 

ANA Y4 D257

It's back. Sigh.

Got ALL of my money finally. Still not treating it like extra though. I am going to pay myself tomorrow. Started using my new resume yesterday. Hopefully it will get more traction. Had my unemployment meeting. That went well. They only want me to log one job per week. I am at 26 applied right now. The interviewer could tell I was serious about everything and it went smoothly. Let's see when that first check comes. I plan on using it for things like C's car payment and my hair. Groceries too. It's like the $500 I was getting before for expenses. NONE of this at this point is "extra" money. All has a purpose.

Hopefully we get C's car today. Hopefully. 

ANA Y4 D256

Finally silence.

I got paid finally. 11 days after being laid off. Ridiculous. Still haven't gotten the $1500 they promised me.  Fucking sales people still sending me emails like I work there. Hopefully the car will finally be ready today. Have virtual meeting for unemployment today. Let's see how that shit goes.

ANA Y4 D255

Scream

Started with the career counselor yesterday. Most of their stuff is job seeking 101. I don't need to know how to network, I am not "branding" myself. I don't need positive messaging. What I do need and they did start helping me with is a rewrite of my resume. I managed to get it from 5 pages down to 2 with their help. I also worked with them on how to format it to get past AST and AI software. That was valuable. I am much happier with what I have now. If they can offer anything else, great. If not, whatever.

C's car won't be ready until Weds or Thurs now. They called yesterday and I asked them simply, what are you going to do for me? It's been two weeks since I bought the car and I don't have it yet. They didn't have answer so I told them they have until Weds, now don't they? We shall see what happens.

Friend came over last night and helped me go through clothes. I made a sell pile, a donate pile, a keep pile, and an add to rotation pile. Was a lot of work but very cathartic. I probably have $1000 worth of clothes I can sell. Going to list it all on depop. We will see what comes of that. Going to work more on that today.

Applied to my five jobs yesterday. Going to do more and more excited now with the resume. 

ANA Y4 D254

Scream. I did get 12 hours of silence yesterday. Was quite nice.

Week two of unemployment. I applied for one job yesterday. Still waiting for my actual severance check which is complete bullshit. My idiot ex boss is still sending shit to my old work email. I know because I checked it last night. He has no clue what he is doing. C worked all damn day. Hopefully we get her car today. Supposed to be ready. Don't know what time though. It might be done today but too late for us to get it. We shall see.Did laundry. All the laundry. Need to bring up the final load from the dryer still. Going to start with the career folks today. Let's see what comes of that. 

ANA Y4 D253

Same.

Had my hair did yesterday. Did laundry. Cleaned. Made dinner. Watched TV.  

ANA Y4 D252

Scream

Applied to five more jobs yesterday. One I really want. 3 have rejected me so far out of 15 applied. That's 20%. Still means I have an 80% chance of finding something. Will start work with the counselor people on Monday. Still no car. No update either which pisses me off. Hair appointment today. 

ANA Y4 D251

Still screaming. I had about 3 hours of respite yesterday but otherwise same ol.

Had my new crown put on yesterday. Feels so much better than the temp one did. Still sore, but the texture feels so much better. I was lazy yesterday. Just did some networking and that's it. I have access to the career counselor now and will message them on monday. I am just starting to feel helpless so I need to get through this weekend. Hopefully I will be back on it mentally after a couple of days. 

Didn't feel like cooking last night. Had sushi delivered. We still have our discretionary fund luckily. Should still have 4-500 for the concert in a couple of weeks.  

ANA Y4 D250

Still scream

Another 4 jobs applied for. No responses.

Have dentist this morning. Then back at it. Still no car. 

ANA Y4 D249

Scream.

I applied to four jobs yesterday. Will do at least that today too. Nothing to do but wait. I should hear from the career counselor today. I should also get my check soon. C's car should be ready on Friday. Lots of sitting and waiting right now. Driving me insane obviously. C is sick and is staying home. This is our life now. 

ANA Y4 D248

Okay, my head is back. Which of course leads to the question of "Why?". What did I do different last night that I didn't do the previous nights? What did I eat? Need to figure this out.

I was productive yesterday. Signed my term papers to get my severance check rolling. You know, this is the first time I have been laid off where my check wasn't ready to go. So fucking weird. Regardless, it's in the works and I should get it next week. That's fine by me. I also applied for unemployment. It's not a lot, but it can go straight into savings and buy me some buffer. It's 25% of my salary. Oh well. It's money. I also reached out to six old clients letting them know I was available. Three replied indicating that they might have some contract work for me. I also expanded my linkedin network by five people and directly touched base with them. Lastly, I directly applied for two jobs. I plan on applying for 2-3 more today. At least 10 a week minimum. I was going to do more, but the unemployment office needs to see regular applications so I don't want to shoot my shot all at once. I will keep on keeping on.

Made char siu pork last night. Came out pretty good to be honest. Did it with a steam bath to keep it nice and moist. Still no update on C's car. I am hoping to hear something today or tomorrow. This cold is still kicking my butt a little. Throat is better but am made purely of snot right now. 

Time to do morning stuff and apply for jobs. 

ANA Y4 D247

Still silent. A little blip yesterday for two hours, but otherwise, all good. Again, let's be honest. This all started in Jan of 25 when I was told my job would be on the line. Ever since then I have been struggling. Now that is gone and oh look, my head is clearning up. What a fucking shock.

I have been up for a while. I took care of signing my final term papers and applied for unemployment. It's going to be 25% of my salary so that's going straight to savings every week. At the very least I will build up a buffer in my savings over the next three months. My goal for this week is to apply to at least 5 jobs per day. That's 100 jobs in Feb. All I need is one. I am also going to be working my network. Today's other goal is to reach out to old customers and see if they have something for me. I figure it won't hurt and it keeps my network going.

We didn't do much of anything yesterday. This cold is kicking my butt. I had no energy yesterday. 10 years ago if I felt like this I would be like "oh it's a cold no big deal". Now though I have to worry if it's covid or if it will turn worse because I am old and the world sucks. We did go to the store last night and got tea, juice, soup, and nyquil. I will kick it. 

Off to send emails and apply for jobs. Wish me luck!! 

ANA Y4 D246

It came back yesterday, but am silent now. But I now have a cold. My throat is killing me. My nose is stopped up. I can't win can I?

Did laundry, made dinner, had no energy. Went to bed at 9 with nyquil in me. Need more. 

ANA Y4 D245

Still silent. We all know it was my job, right?

Yesterday was a bit surreal. I had my final 1 on 1 at 1pm but until then, there was really nothing for me to do. Like nothing. It was during this time I recently how workplace institutionalized I am. What do you mean I don't have to open outlook or teams? What do you mean I don't have to put timesheets in? Monday is going to be very weird. I have had the same routine, even when "off" for a long fucking time.

I had therapy in the morning and got to work through some of my feelings. The biggest of course is anger. Anger at myself. Anger for not being in a better position where I didn't have to go back to work for a while. I get C's feelings of being trapped. I don't want to keep doing what I have been doing, but I don't have a choice. Period. I am not sad about losing my job. My job isn't the definition of who I am. It was and always will be a means to an end. But I am mad. I am mad that once more I am starting over. 

C was in a better mood too. She needed to get all that off her chest on Thursday and it helped. I think we're both in a better place to move forward.

ANA Y4 D244

Still riding the rollercoaster, but at least my head is quiet. Progress?

The dealer called again yesterday. While having the car in the shop to change the tires, another vehicle hit a patch of ice and hit the car. I know. Now they have to replace the bumper and it won't be ready until next week. Seriously. BUT they did give us a loaner. At least we are a two car household again. C hates the car they gave her but I don't care. It's a car. I don't have to drive her any more. We will get her actual car when we get it. She is losing it. This is too many things at once for her. For me, it's life as usual sadly. Got my final paycheck. Have to pay bills this morning. Next week I get my severance. Going straight into savings. Did some networking yesterday. Hopefully Feb will be my month. 

ANA Y4 D243

Scream.

Well, yesterday was a rollercoaster to say the least. In the morning I went down to take care of the car. I walked in pre-approved for 60 months at 7.84. The manager saw that and was confident he could beat. He said if you're at least 700, I can beat that by a point. Well, turns out I am 730 and he beat it by a point and a half. I got the car out the door for 17,600 at 6.34%. Not too bad. I put 2,000 down giving C a payment of $300 a month.  Took about three hours, but we got it done. During final inspection they found an issue with one of the tires not matching the others and one that was borderline tire wear. They're replacing the two ties and we're picking it up tonight. At least one thing will be resolved. So that was my morning...

At 4:30pm I was officially laid off. The effective date is 2/2 and that's when I will get my severance check. I get three months cash, three months insurance, and three months paid career counseling. Okay, I will take it. I am both scared and relieved to be honest. With unemployment and severance I should be good for about 4 months. On Monday I will look in earnest for something new. Right now, I just want to get through the next few days without losing my mind.

C is of course stressed. I don't blame her. I will figure it out. I have to. Failure is not an option. Death sadly is not an option. 

ANA Y4 D242

Day 5.

We tried again to get her car.  On Tuesdays and Wednesdays they close at 6. WTF? So I am going this morning to get it done. I already have preapproval from my bank. We decided to do it through my bank. We both submitted it to our banks. Her rate? 13.8. Mine, 7.8. No brainer. I will do it through mine and she will make the payment. $300 a month. Yes, I trust her to make the payment. Yes, I trust her to deal with it. Plus this way my credit gets better. I wanted her to do it for that reason alone, but the rate difference is too much. This is the first time I can walk into a dealer with everything pre-approved and ready to go. The power is in my hands, not the dealers. The salesperson knows this which is why they are like sorry we're closed. They aren't going to make any real money off us. But it makes it nice for me. We got halfway there when C texted them to say we were on our way and that's when they were like well we close in 12 minutes. Fuck you. 

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will tell you about a successful deal. 

ANA Y4 D241

 Scream.

We went and looked at our a car for C last night. Sort of.  First off, I knew MI had blue laws still which means no car buying on Sundays. I didn't realize that dealers close fucking early too. We got there at 7:55 and they were closing for the night. What the fuck?? We got to look at the exterior of the car only. We have to go back tonight after work to actually drive it. We found her a 2023 Hyundai Elentra with 12k miles on it for $16.5. That will last her quite a while. It's a good solid car. Looks like a lease turn in to me. Or an employee car. Either way, good mileage, good year, decent price. Cheaper than the Jeep I got for B. We got home and C immediately went online to her bank to get pre-approval and start the process. We're going to put 20% down which should keep the payment reasonable for her. What struck me most about this was how we worked as a team to find it. *I* didn't do everything. We did it together. We went together. We're making the decision together. Means a lot to me. I wish we could have dealt with it last night, but we're one step closer to a solution. Hopefully we go back tonight earlier and we can drive it and have this resolved. 

ANA Y4 D240

Still snowing, still screaming. Happy Straya Day.

Nothing of any interest. We stayed inside. We didn't do anything. This is my life. 

ANA Y4 D239

Still screaming.

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever really known  

ANA Y4 D238

Back to screaming. Lovely. 

It is very cold here. -6 right now. The dog's paws are getting frozen when we go outside. We had to shovel a path for her to try and make it a little better. Too fucking cold. 

ANA Y4 D237

Back to silence. Only one day of screaming. Nice.

Worked on my videos. Went to the store. We had a lamp explode on us last night. Happened while I was at the store and freaked both C and the dog out. She's worried about the electrical, I think it was just an old lamp with a bad bulb. But I had to calm them both down. More snow all day. Oh yeah, I had a crown put on yesterday. Hurts like a motherfucker still. It's a temp so I have to go back in ten days for the final one. Joy. Almost the weekend thankfully. 

ANA Y4 D236

Head is back sadly. I had a full two days though, that was nice.

Spent three hours yesterday on a meeting with my boss trying to figure out a technical issue. We finally got it resolved but what a pain in the ass. I can now finish my videos this morning. But first I have a dental appointment.

Snowed like crazy all day yesterday. More inbound today.

I applied for a jobin Grand Rapids yesterday. Let's see if I hear anything back. Also reached out to that CEO to stay on his radar. Made fish for dinner. Watched tv. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D235

Don't want to talk today. I am alive and that's all you need to know.

ANA Y4 D234

Silence today. Only two days of screaming. Nice.

Worked on my new video. Finalizing today. Nothing else going on. Made little chickens for dinner.

ANA Y4 D233

Still screaming. Joy.

We cleaned house together yesterday. Nice to work as a partner on stuff. I rewired the living room stereo equipment. Made ribs for dinner. Not much of anything else. 

ANA Y4 D232

Back to screaming. Woke up from a dream and BOOM they started right in. WTF? I got all of one day this time. Joy.

C ended up coming home early. She got sick at work. Luckily she has the next two days off. We need to solve this car issue. I can't keep driving her. Made sausages for dinner. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda. Just fucking shoot me already. 

ANA Y4 D231

Silence. Good.

Quiet day. More snow. Worked on some random shit. Made air fryer mahi last night. Was pleased with how it turned out. Took C to the dispensary. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D230

Screaming. Whee.

I had an interview yesterday. It was with the CEO of an AI company. It went really well. The problem is this is another startup. His product doesn't even launch until the end of the month. BUT this is the kind of thing I have been looking to get into for a long time. He needs someone to head up his training team at product launch. At the start it would be contract work only, but would lead to a full time position by summer. I could make this work. He sold his last company for enough money that he lives in West Hollywood. With a view of the Hollywood Bowl no less. I would be employee number three. If I can make it work shor term money wise, long term this could be the thing that sets me up for retirement. I know it went well because the guy who put us together sent me a screencap of a text. It was from the CEO saying "Thanks for the introduction, she is awesome". That helped the old ego let me tell you. My whole career I've wanted into one of these startups that will go the distance. Specifically at a high enough level where I get the payout. Took me long enough but this might just be the one. Five years at this company and I can retire happily. Just need to make it short term. We shall see what comes of it. 

ANA Y4 D229

My head is back and it is screaming hard today. Like making up for me having a day of silence.  This is going to be an issue as I have an interview today. Dammit.

I had my physical yesterday. Passed that with flying colors. Everything is good except of course for my ears. Nothing to do there sadly.

Snowed ALL day yesterday. Had to drive to pick C up and nearly lost it a couple of times. Haven't checked outside yet but it was still going when we went to bed at 11. 

Meetings and interview today. Wish me luck. 

ANA Y4 D228

Silence so far. It came back yesterday. I only had about three hours of silence. Let's see if I can go all day today.

The day was nothing interesting, but I did get a phone call around 7pm from my former ceo. He finally was able to get me and this other CEO linked up. We're meeting tomorrow at 3pm to discuss opportunties to lead his training group. Hopefully something will come of it. 

Today I have a physical. Let's find out everything broken about me shall we? 

ANA Y4 D227

Finally silence. Six days of screaming.

We got a repair quote for C's car. $1500 including the tow to get it there. We'd rather put that as a down payment on a 'new' car for her. So now we're going to spend this week looking at cars. Until then I have to drive her to work. She won't drive my car because she's afraid of something happening and she doesn't want to leave me stranded. Here's the positive - we worked on the problem together. *I* didn't have to make the calls, take the pictures, do everything. No we did it as a team. It's us versus the problem. We worked together, we discussed it together, we came up with a plan together. This is the way it should be. This is the foundation of a good relationship. Made me very happy.

ANA Y4 D226

Day 6. Will it ever stop again?

Rough day. Nothing we could do about the car since it was a fucking sunday which just stressed me out. Did laundry.Ordered a pizza. 

ANA Y4 D228

Still going.

Shit is fucked right now. I had a mostly decent day until C got home. I did a photoshoot from my friend. Cleaned the house. Prepped for company. As she was pulling into the driveway something on her rear suspension snapped. It looks like the rear control arm but it might be the whole subframe. I don't want to deal with this. It's her car and it should be her problem but I know I will be the one who ends up dealing with it. We had friends over for tacos. Went to bed around midnight. Fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck.

 I wish I was dead. 

ANA Y4 D227

Still going. Day 4. Sigh.

Worked, had meetings, took friend out for birthday dinner, watched a movie, had root beer floats. New coffee table came. Very happy with it. Need to add some LEDs to the underside to finish off the feel. Doing a photoshoot today for other friend. 

ANA Y4 D226

Was starting to fade but now back loud. Sigh.

Finished another video yesterday. Had some electrical work done. Finally have hardwire upstairs in the living room. Continued to work on changes to the living room. Mounted a surfboard on the wall. New coffee table arrives today. Made pork for dinner. Went to the grocery store. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D225

Still scream. No improvement.

Worked on my next video. Recording today. Made mexican platters for dinner. Watched tv. C fell asleep on the couch. Finally nice enough I was able to take dog for walk. Electrician coming today to do some work. Same ol' same ol'.  

ANA Y4 D224

Ears are back. Got one day this time. Woo.

Worked on videos, did more furniture rearranging. We finished season 1 of the acolyte, had ham for dinner. 

ANA Y4 D223

Silence this morning. Go me!

Worked on videos yesterday. Hopefully will drop a new one today for work. I have two I want to get done this week. Should be able to do it. Still haven't heard back from the job I applied for. 

We did do something fun yesterday. C was home and we started looking at the living room. We got a new plant recently, a 6 foot palm for that room. It's made us rethink the look we are going for out there. After some playing around with ideas, we ended up moving the sofa, deciding on a new coffee table, and making plans to make other changes. It was nice to have my creativity sparked and do something tangible. New year, new space kind of thing. We have a lot more to do out there, but just the little we did made us both feel good.

Time to give cat meds. 

ANA Y4 D222

Ears still going.

Frank the wonder pooper is back with its pack. She wasn't a bad dog but she didn't poop once outside. She was otherwise okay to watch. I don't think I would do it again though. We didn't do much of anything yesterday. C went and got her hair done. We made ravioli for dinner. Watched some TV. That's about it. Good way to end vacation.

ANA Y4 D221

My head is back and with a vengeance. Like really fucking bad already. WHY?? Nothing changed?? I didn't go to bed super late. I didn't change anything? I was fine for two full days? What the hell??

Yesterday started off with a bang. I was getting the cat her meds when she decided to try and kill me. I went down the stairs hard. Scraped up my arm, fucked up my tailbone, and smashed the plate of food I was carrying. This was at 6am and a hell of a way to start my day. Loads of fun. I am still in pain.

Went to my hair appointment and the Urgent Care doc called me. He didn't like the results of the culture he did so he switched me to a stronger antibiotic. Severe side effects but it will kill anything in me. Lovely. 

The sausage dog shit multiple times in my house. Not pleased about that either. It was rough trying to take care of them and be in pain. What a way to end my vacation.

I watched B's wedding livestreamed. Most awkward 13 minutes ever. Seriously, it lasted 13 minutes. On the upside I felt nothing about my ex getting remarried. I mean nothing more than oh my friend is getting married, grats. Like no weird emotions or anything. So that's something. 

The beasts are waking up. My head is killing me. My ass hurts. My arm hurts. This is going to be a long fucking day. 

ANA Y4 D220

Still quiet. Suprising seeing how much stress is going on here right now. We're watching B's dog for them while they're off getting married this weekend. Having two dogs is not working out well. Sandy is just being insane around it, it's scared and the size of the cat. It's anxious, scared, and confused. It has peed in the house twice, once in my slipper. I just took it out this morning but now it's eating and I know it will have to go again. I have a hair appt this morning and am stressed. But I will get through. B sent us a $100 gift card for watching the dog which she didn't need to do but she did.

Last night we finished Stranger Things. An era has come to a close. I only cried once. No spoilers, I promise, but there were some moments I was teary. More because it's over sometimes. Almost 9 years of watching that show and following these adventures. Not a perfect season but it's been laid to rest and all the questions answered. All I could ask for from a show.

Okay time to do shit. more tomorrow.