Oh look, the rare and elusive second post in a single day. It doesn't happen often people, bask in it's glory. Why the second post? Because all I did on the drive in today was think and listen to my head scream. I am done. I am so fucking tired of moving forward and nothing changing. I really am doing my best but clearly my best isn't good enough. It never is. I talked to my sister the other day. She was telling me how she's moved back in with our dad. Our stepmom had a stroke and they need the help. He's turned 78 last week and can't manage a 5 acre farm on his own. Here's the catch - she was telling me how there are holes in the walls, mold, areas of the house that need gutting, dry rot, windows need replacing, how neither of them have any teeth left because they have no dental insurance, the list went on. Yet somehow I have never heard her happier. How? Why? WTF? How can you be happy in that? If that is my future, then kill me now. That's no way to live. What's the fucking point? I don't get it. My ideation is through the roof right now. All of this house shit and job shit and everything else is sending me. I can't take it any more. I don't want to take it any more. And if that is where all this is leading me? Then you can fucking have it.
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