Y2 D208

Did the photo shoot yesterday. Was very cool. Made blue cheese foam with a port reduction on top of pears, chicken soup noodles, and guava caviar. Let's see how much makes it in the paper. Should be sometime in early January. I am excited about this. This might be my 15 minutes so I want to enjoy it.

Went and got stocking stuffers yesterday. Nothing fancy. Just a run on the dollar store. Nice when you can fill two stockings for $40. Most of it is crap, but that's always been our tradition. Stockings are goofy stupid stuff. I never understood people who put good things in stockings.

Watched the Big Lebowski with the kid last night. All in all, a relaxing, quiet day. Need to be good for the next few days while I wait for Christmas and payday. No bills going out for a few days which will be nice, but the 1st will be here before I know it and I have to watch things carefully until then. Very carefully. I always get a little too free when the kid is around mostly out of guilt. But if we just play nice for the next three days, things should be ok. I am hoping to get paid a day early because of Christmas, but since it falls on a Saturday it may not come early.

Three day work week this week. Need to cram in at least 25-30 hours though in order to make a full week because I only get paid for Friday as a holiday. Still leaves Thursday in the air.

Y2 D207

The rain is a pouring down and smashing the windows. Dark and gloomy outside...

Long day yesterday. Started off by seeing Tron Legacy -- frickin' incredible! So worth the 28 year wait. I even teared up a little bit at the end. Best movie I have seen in a while where Hollywood didn't screw it up. Very much enjoyed it. After the movie we had some lunch. Oh before I forget... BEFORE the movie we went and got some Danish cookies and 750 communion wafers. That part was fun. Needed them to make Jesus sliders for the cast later in the night.

After lunch went and picked up some groceries, pet supplies, and finally made it home around 3. Napped for a little while, then helped the kid clean out the bunny cage. After all that, started cooking my little sliders, hot wings with halos, and little baby jesus sausages wrapped in blankets. Headed out to the show around 10. Everybody loved the food. Our director was pissed as hell after the show and I took the brunt of it. Most of it was because our head tech guy was late again with major props in his car. We didn't miss any cues during the show, but because we were missing some things she was very unhappy. I am not taking it personally, but I will do what I can in the future to make sure this doesn't happen again. I also had one person vanish during the show. At first I was pissed until I saw her off crying. Someone told me she had been on the phone and was upset. Ok, that I will let slide. She even apologized to me after the show for disappearing. But it didn't help my stress level during the show.

Me and the other lead tech guy are going to revamp things in 2011 to make sure shit like this doesn't happen again. We need two if not three sets of props everywhere. It's the only way we are going to solve this issue. Got home around 3. Need to get ready for my photo shoot at 11.

Y2 D206

And we're back. Last week was just a really bad week for me. It seemed like it was one thing after another just piling on my head. Instead of putting myself around people and trying to work through it, I went into hiding. We all see how wonderful that turned out. While I am not proud of what happened Thursday night, I did need the social outing. I should have avoided the absinthe (duh), but other than that, it was a needed time out.

Let's just put last week behind us and move on shall we?

Yesterday once I realized I wasn't at home when I woke up, I had to deal with work. I was only planning on working a half day anyway and while I feel guilty, I don't feel that guilty about blowing off work. I sent the client an email saying I wasn't feeling well and I would be in Monday. Not a lie, just my issue was self induced and therefore not really the kind of thing you take a day off for under normal circumstances. The big issue was losing my phone. I had to scramble around to see if one of my friends took it, was it in the car, was it in someone else's car, was it at the restaurant... All no, by the way. I ended up having to get a new phone. Not really happy about the out of pocket on a new phone, but I was able to float it until January 16th. Gives me about three weeks to figure out how to pay for it. Plus I was able to get an upgraded phone. Faster, slicker, cooler. Okay, I won't lie, that part is cool. I did lose all my pictures and ringtones, but I have most of that backed up on my laptop. I can survive.

After dealing with that I hit the road to go get the kid. That pretty much sums up my day. Nine hours of driving. Left here around 11:30 and got home around 9. We watched old Tron as we are going this morning to see new Tron. YAY.

Show tonight. Need to cook some stuff. Photo shoot for the newspaper tomorrow. And only one week until Christmas...

Y2 D205

Not in a good place this morning. Went on an absinthe bender last night. Threw up and passed out in a parking lot. Not sure how much I spent. Lost my phone, lost my scarf. Just got home. Not good.

Y2 D204

What the fuck happened to me? I used to never be this way. I used to walk down a street and have 20 people saying hello to me. I used to walk into a room and fucking own it. On a Tuesday I would play with cougars because I could. I had confidence, style, and an attitude. Now I am but a shell of my former self. I should have never moved. I knew I needed to get out of THAT town, but I should have stayed in the general area. That way I could have had the best of all worlds. Here I am nothing. I am insignificant. On top of that I am afraid of everything. Afraid I will spend too much money, afraid I will drive too far drunk, afraid I will be alone. A year ago I wasn't feeling this. I was on top of my game. Well not true, it was December of last year when things started falling apart. For the last 12 months I have been in a steady systematic decline. How do I fix this? I am not moving again. Not for a while at least. I need to find a new job and consequences be dammed. I will owe my current employer but they can go fuck themselves. Or do I hold tight and wait until the kid moves out on her own in another 18 months? Can I take 18 more months of this before I blow my fucking brains out? I don't know. I am amazed I am still alive as it is. I have to fix this though. It's not going to fix itself. There needs to be a catalyst and I must be that catalyst. I need to light the match and blow the fuse. I will explode and it will be good.

Y2 D203

I want to scream.

I want to grab people by their shoulders and shake them until they open their eyes and see.

I want to take a shotgun and run through the malls shooting everyone and everything that comes across my path.

I want to shove a gun in X2's mouth and make her apologize.

I want to slice open X1 and make her finally look at herself.

I want to beat in psycho bitch's face for stealing from me.

I want to save her from herself.

I want to destroy something beautiful.

I want something beautiful.

I want to hold LO.

I want to be touched.

I want to be left alone.

I want to fuck her until she screams.

I want to be loved.

I want to run until my blood runs with battery acid and then I will run some more.

I want to change. 

I want to be change.

I want to explode.

I want to stop being afraid.

I want to die.

I want to live.

Forgive me.

Help me.

Leave me.

Erase me.

Think I know what you meant that night on my bed. Still picking at this scab, I wish you were dead. Your sweat and Perry Ellis, just stains on my sheets...

Y2 D202

I read an interesting article yesterday comparing and discussing the physical transformations of actors in two recent movies. The article was talking about Christian Bale in The Fighter and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan. In both cases, all three underwent extreme physical weight loss for their roles. All three of them are being lauded for their performances because of the physical and psychological extremes they endured to become the characters. The interesting part was how both the females got their weight down to under 100 pounds and how WONDERFUL they are looking. There is even a "Black Swan Workout" in Elle magazine. Both actresses agree that they feel they look like hell without their clothes on but that they are looking fantastic in photo shoots and clothing. Bale on the other hand has been called 'sickly', 'emaciated', and in no way is anyone finding him attractive. He lost 50 pounds for the role because the character he plays is a crack addict.

I find this fascinating; it's ok for the females to starve themselves near death in the pursuit of beauty and be rewarded with compliments and kudos where the male is made to feel bad and is being told to gain the weight back immediately.

Why do I find all this so interesting? I weighed in at 146 this weekend. I haven't been this weight in 20+ years. I can't remember when I was under 150 except back in the days when I was doing more coke than a Columbian. I never slept, I never ate, and I weighed around 120 pounds. Now I am close to that same number. This time without the blow. But I still don't sleep. I still don't eat.

I am much happier at this current weight than I ever was at my heaviest. Most people don't realize it was only three and half years ago that I was at 225-230. Before that I got up around 240. My worst was 270. But that was years ago. Regardless, I was over 220 for years. I am short. I was short, fat, and bald. Now I am just short and bald. I don't snore anymore. I don't have problems exercising. I can run five miles without dying. My cholesterol is perfect. My blood pressure is perfect. I can buy clothes off the rack. I am buying smaller clothes than I ever did before.

But why am I doing it now? I could have stopped at 150 or even 160 where everyone told me I looked great, and frankly, I agree. I looked healthy, toned, and normal. But...

It has become a challenge now. I am curious to see how far I can go. Can I get under 140? 130? Will I look like Bale? Will people tell me I look emaciated? Will I die? Is it my way of killing myself slowly so no one notices? If I blow my head off, it's instant and everyone will try to stop me. If I just waste away, it will happen so slow no one will really notice until I am gone. Is this a socially acceptable suicide? Will people look in my casket and say 'well damn at least he looks good'. Can I kill myself in such a quiet manner that it will go under the radar? We shall see...

Y2 D201

Quiet day yesterday. Started on a project I have been meaning to get to for a while. I don't know what prompted me to finally start working on it, but I did. Remember the old steamer trunk I found over the summer? Well I finally started restoring it. Spent most of the day stripping paint and burning the flesh off my hands. I got the majority of paint off yesterday. Need to get some steel wool and finish scraping down the rest of it before I can paint. I am taking the hardware back to chrome because the brass was too rusted in some spots. Then I will paint the trim in some color like red or bright something, then finally paint the rest of the trunk in a high gloss white. I may add a stencil or two before putting a top coat on it, but that's still up in the air. I am really excited about doing this for some weird reason.

I also went to the thrift store as planned yesterday.  I found a wheelchair and globe to be used as props for the show. I got both for $25. Not too shabby. I told my directors I don't want to be reimbursed, instead I want this to go towards my 2011 dues. We are supposed to pay a dollar for any show we work. There are 42 shows in 2011. This should cover me until August. One less thing I have to worry about.

That's it. That was the extent of my day. Talked to my sister, she wants a picture of me and the kid for Christmas. Talked to the kid, told her to remind me to take a picture. Otherwise, no real human contact yesterday.

It's so weird when I think about how many years I spent living with someone else. There has always been someone in the house other than me to talk to or just feel their presence. Now for almost two years, it's just been me. It's odd. It's no wonder I start talking to myself during the day sometimes. Ah the slow descent into madness....

Y2 D200

200 posts this year. I can't believe it. This means in total I have done over 560 posts. That's a lot of writing. That's a lot of raw emotion captured on the page. I don't know if it has accomplished anything sometimes, but other times I know I wouldn't have been able to cope at all had I not been doing this. The main goal of this was a cathartic outlet to keep me sane. In that respect, it has worked. I am still here aren't I?

Got all my errands completed by around 2 yesterday. I was able to nap before heading out with L7. We went and had sushi which was a blast. She enjoys eating weird shit just like me. She is the first person I have met who actually enjoys chicken feet. We all remember J-whatever and the dim sum date, right? The girl had no idea what a chicken foot was, let alone how to eat it. While L7 didn't order anything off the wall, she at least knew what she liked and didn't freak out about other things on the table. Good work woman. Neither one of us really wanted to spend a ton of money after dinner, which was about 2 hours, so we decided to head back to my place and just relax. We opened a small split of champagne I had, and we talked until about 12:30. She then drove home (yes she met me at my place). She is older, 48, and has less expectations about who picks up whom and who drives etc which makes for an interesting time. I have mentioned before how older women are beyond some of that bullshit, which makes for less head games. We honestly just talked for hours. Which of course leads me to wonder -- do I like this woman as a friend (yes) or as a romantic partner (not sure). With the holidays coming, my weekends are shot until January. We may not see each other for a while and that will be good because it will give us both time to figure this out.

Today I am off to the thrift store as they are having a 50% sale. There are a couple of things I am looking for to use for the show. I hope they are still in stock today.

Y2 D199

No one's gonna take me alive. The time has come to make things right.

Had a pretty shitty day yesterday. Some times I hate the fucking internet. Thanks to a link here followed by a link there, guess who I ended seeing on the good ol' interwebs? Yep, her royal highness, bane of my existence, X2. Which sent me into a fucking downward spiral for most of the day. I started thinking of everything I have done wrong, how far I have slid, how fucked up my life is right now. Same ol' same ol'.

Does it ever stop? Do I ever get to be at peace? Do I ever get to, not forget, but at least put the fucking past behind me? Can I move forward into a new place in my life?

Fuck.

Just don't like it. Don't like the feeling. Try to ignore it, but it just overwhelms me some days. Makes me feel so insignificant and so much a fuck up.

I only worked 4 hours yesterday. Because the client needs to hear some feedback on the things I have delivered, we decided instead of me burning hours, I should go bench. I am okay with it because I still ended up the week with about 37 hours.

Out of the list I had yesterday, I cleaned the house, did the dishes, cleaned the pets, bought groceries, and  paid bills. Still need to go to Target and my list for the weekend will be done. I have a date tonight with L7 so I have to get everything done pretty early. I want to be relaxed and ready before we go out. Don't want to stress.

Oh wait, too late....