Y2 D349

Today's theme is:

We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.


On the surface there was nothing wrong with yesterday. I went to work, I worked on things for the client, kept my head down, did my job, etc. But on the inside? I was having one of those thinking about X2 days. All day for some fucked up reason. Just different thoughts swirling through my head all day. Managed to get through the day without any incidents. I still haven't heard anything from my current bosses. But I am going to keep going into the office this week until I hear otherwise. Friday will be the big day. If I don't get paid then they can go fuck themselves.

Came home and worked on the fireplace. Got another coat of paint applied. One more and it will be good. I can see it from here and I like it. Adds a splash of color to the room. Back to today's theme...

An old friend - and I do mean old, he dated X1's sister while we were dating back in high school and the four of us went to prom together. That's how old... - posted on FB how he was done with his wife and she had screwed him over, yadda yadda. I sent a message offering to have a drink with him. We might be getting together to catch up and let him dump about his wife.

Slept on the couch last night. My back is hurting and when I sleep on the couch it helps. I need a new mattress at some point. Oh wait, this is why I am taking the new job...

Y2 D348

17 more days and the 'year' will be over. Amazing. My new job will start as this year of writing will end. Nice segue into year three.

Not much to talk about for yesterday. I stayed in mostly with the exception of one quick run to Home Depot to get more stripper and sandpaper. I was able to get through most of the fireplace project yesterday. I got everything stripped and sanded. Finished up by getting one coast of paint laid down. Tonight I want to do the second coat. Since I took it all the way down to bare wood, I expect this to be a three coat project. Other than working on that, didn't do much of anything yesterday. Tried playing a little Mortal Kombat in story mode but my heart wasn't into it. I am stressed out right now because I still haven't heard back from my bosses on anything. I double checked my email access and vpn access just to be sure they are still active.

Didn't talk to anyone yesterday either. Just worked on my project, watched a little animated TV and went to bed. I would like the whole week to be that way too but I doubt it. I have some things already scheduled for this week including another night of shooting on the movie. But tonight is clean. I have some stuff to work on for the client today, but nothing planned for tonight.

Oh my so called life...

Y2 D347

Today is Mother's Day. A day I dislike for a myriad of reasons. First off and most obvious is that my mother dies 26 years ago. I think that in its own right is good enough. But add to that the fact that there is no way I am going to celebrate anything to do with X1 and you have Mother's Day. Bah fucking humbug on this one kids.

Spent the day in the house for the most part yesterday. Had to make a drive over to our director's house to get the van for last night's show, but otherwise, didn't have anything going on during the day. I started my fireplace project as I am calling it. I hate when contractors can't be bothered to do something right. As I started to sand down the fireplace to prep it for painting, I realized that instead of doing what I am doing the bastards have just kept painting over and over it. There were a good nine layers of paint on that thing. I ended up having to use paint stripper and even then I still have a layer to get through today. But it's okay, it kept me occupied as I wanted.

Headed out to the show around 9. Had a good show and was home around 3:30. Nothing exciting happened at the show and no one got yelled at. All in all, a good Saturday.

Now to go finish up the fireplace...

Y2 D346

Another weekend, another hangover. And you wonder why I like Bukowski? Anyway...

Went to work yesterday and had a good day at the client. I like this guy. I do wish he had been able to offer me a full time role. I still didn't hear back from my bosses on the email sent Thursday about working out a financial deal that's equitable to both parties. I am taking a friend's advice and giving the until Tuesday before I push back. If they aren't going to pay me, why the hell shouldn't I start at the new company earlier?

Went to a birthday party last night. It was fun. A little long, but I didn't get seriously drunk, didn't spend too much money, and every got home safe and sound. All one can ask for, right?

That's about it. Pretty dull, but that's the way it is. I need to go pick up props this morning then clean the house before the show tonight. I am meeting friends pre-show and then hoping to have a really good audience and performance.

Y2 D345

This year's journal started with some insanity, only fitting it winds down with some too. Now that I am sober, let's recap the last two days, shall we?

Wednesday:
The morning started off like hell. I was sitting and waiting for the call to come from the new company. It was driving me nuts. The fun started when I read an article in one of my feeds about how HP is building a new facility. This is to host the employees from some of the new companies it recently purchased. One of which was X2's company. No more than an hour later, I get my linkedin update for the day - oh look X2 has a new job. Yes, we are still connected on there, no I don't know why other than I don't have the balls to disconnect. There, happy, I said it? I don't have the balls. No other excuse than that. Turns out she has had a new job for a year according to her profile. Boy that made me feel like shit. Here she is completely moved on; new state, new job, new life and I am still spinning my wheels. Not getting the phone call wasn't helping. This sent me into a funk and a spiral. Why can't I move forward? Why can't I let the past go? How is it she can just move on and never look back? That lasted most of the day. The recruiter called or emailed me multiple times too asking if I had heard anything. Nope and please stop rubbing it in. During the day I did my normal work for the new client and tried to keep my sanity. Went home still on pins and needles and feeling like a failure. At 4:55pm the call comes through. After three minutes of explaining what he can do, my new boss makes me the revised verbal offer. Score! I got what I wanted salary, bonus, and options at levels that work for me. I then sent an email to my bosses telling me I was accepting a new offer and to please call me ASAP. At that point, I called some friends and headed to the bar. There's where things get um, fuzzy? I drank way too much but didn't spend too much. My friend picked up almost all of the bill which was really nice. I ended up spending some, but not as much as I normally would have in this situation. I was blind ass drunk too. Didn't matter. I was happy. The thing that got me? No phone call, no email, no nothing from my current bosses. THIS is one of the reasons I am leaving the company.

Thursday:
Woke up feeling like death warmed over and had less than an hour to clean up, sober up, and get into the office. Still nothing from my bosses. At 8:30 I couldn't take it any more and called them. What a bunch of dickheads. After PTO payout, I owe them money for the monthly draws. My expectation was to work until the 15th as a normal employee, then work part time as a contractor to pay off any outstanding. They want to hold my whole check. Which means I keep working and get nothing. Um, fuck you? Why should I give you two weeks then? If that's how we're going to play this, then I should walk right now. After six years of knowing each other, this is how it goes down? I sent them off a proposed solution that benefits BOTH sides which allows me to still get paid on the 14th and for them to have their money in no more than 3 or 4 weeks of side work. I have yet to hear back from them on this. If I don't hear back before monday, I honestly don't know if I am going to bother going into the office. Again, if they are planning on holding my check, why should I? I can just start the new job early and start getting paid there. Let's see what happens today on that front. Came home last night and cleaned the house. I may have a house guest for a while. N needs a place to stay and we talked through an arrangement which could benefit both of us, especially if I don't get paid next week. I also confirmed with my new boss, my pay days will be the 1st and 15th and there is no delay on first check. I will get a check on the 1st. Don't know how much, but I will get a check. I may have to move some payments around and deal with stuff, but I will have money. Watched TV and went to bed at a nice sane time. Have a birthday party to attend tonight. Going to be good for multiple reasons, least of which is I have a show Saturday and don't need to go nuts multiple days in a row.

That's it. Up and down. High and low. Story of my life.

Y2 D344

I am running insanely late right now but I promise more details to come especially when I know more of what's going to happen.

First and foremost -- I GOT THE JOB.

Other highlights -- I am hung-fucking-over right now. I hate X2. I should not have made it home in one piece last night, thank you universe. And I met a nice woman last night.

Like I said, when I sober up and am not running out the door, there will be more.

Y2 D343

Last night got goofy really quick. No, I did not hear back from the new company. I did learn from the recruiter that the hiring manager's boss was out of town for a few days so it doesn't surprise me that I didn't hear back. I would like to hear back today though.

Spent the day working and actually getting some stuff accomplished. I do like this client. He was one of the folks I wished would hire me full time. I like the environment, I like the assignments, etc. It would have been perfect.

After work I met up with a couple of friends for Indian food. It was just goofy for some reason. Everything was funny and silly and we were laughing at things for no reason. It was a blast. On the way out I noticed that next to the Indian place was a bowling alley. We went in to see how much it was to bowl. Well Sunday through Wednesday it was $1 a game. Okay, we're in. That's when it got *really* goofy. A pitched of beer and three games later we were laughing our butts off.

I needed that. A cheap night out doing something silly. I had one of the best Tuesday nights I have had in a long time. I might have to plan on going bowling again soon. I forget how much fun I have doing it. I went a couple of times when I lived in the old area. There was a bowling alley on the way home from work. The kid and I went a couple of times. I never think about it but I always enjoy it.

Cross your fingers for me people that today marks the day where shit changes...

Y2 D342

Yesterday went from 0-60 in a fucking heartbeat. And then back again just as fast. Let's see if I can remember everything that happened during the insane parts... I warn you this is long today.

Went into the client's office around 6:20 because I knew I had to leave early for my appointment in the city with the new company. This was going to be it. The last let's stare at each other and decide if we are going to fuck or cut each other loose appointment. At the client, everything was cool. I worked on his stuff, no major issues, just did what I needed to do. I left a little after 2 and headed to the train station. Got up to the city around 3:45 and headed up to the new place. Here's where things started going weird...

As I was walking up, I kept seeing X2 in every woman I passed. Well not every one, but enough of them had that 'business professional' look that I was used to seeing in her. I was seeing her in every woman. But I was seeing her how she was, what, 6? 7? years ago. When she worked in the city and took the train every day and walked from one building to another like all these other woman were doing. And that's when I had  yet another moment of comprehension. The more time that passes, the more I have these. Not that I am thinking about her or missing her, I am having these moments instead where I am *understanding* her. I get it. Because what I was thinking was is this how she felt? The freedom of walking around in the city. The feel of urban life with restaurants and stores and streets and cars and everything that makes a person like me or her feel alive. Then to have to come home to suburbia and the dullness of the house and yard. Versus the vibrant intensity of being in the city. It's a different feeling. Some people hate it. Some people are happy in suburbia with the picket fence and the PTA meetings. I know she never was. I am realizing that I am not either. I got that yesterday walking the streets. I felt that sense of connection to the urban way.  When I got home I could feel the pull and looking around the neighborhood it felt dead in comparison. I get it. I see how having to leave that would put a strain. I get how having to come home to me and our dull little life would drive someone to drink...

I got to their office around 4:10 and the hiring manager saw me around 4:20. He put an offer in front of me in under 30 seconds. I rejected it in less. I didn't even pick it up. He laid it in front of me, I saw the number they were offering and felt insulted and basically told him this won't work. I didn't even touch it. They were about 10k light from the numbers that had been previously discussed. He acknowledged they were light but 'we increased the stock options!'. Um yeah, no. I explained as politely yet sternly as possible that common stock on a five year vestment is essentially useless to me and I don't consider it part of the package. As far as I am concerned the number of options can be zero. That's how little they mean to me. I politely explained that I have certain financial obligations and that cash in hand is more important than any potential future monies especially when it's common stock and it's five years down the road. Inside I was seething. I told the fucking recruiter that they can stick their stock options. They are fucking worthless. In five years who knows if these people are even going to be around and worth anything. AND the number of options they were offering was ridiculous. If I average out what they were offering over the five years at a basic sum, it was basically less than I spend a month in booze. Fuck. You. We are now in what I call 'the negotiation' phase. He did offer 5 more on the spot. I said I would consider it, but would prefer 10. He said he would see what he could do. Hey guess what? If you can find 5 on the table without even blinking, you can find 10 bitch. I have to make this change worth it for me. I am not about to give up a steady gig for the potential of something. Let's see what happens.

The entire meeting? 12 minutes. I am not kidding. It took 12 fucking minutes. A 45 minute train ride there, 20 minute walk, TWELVE MINUTE MEETING. Douche. He could have called or faxed especially since he was low-balling me. I know that I probably came across as ungrateful, but fuck man, don't insult me. Just pissed me off. Especially given that he REALLY could have done this over the phone.

I left there not elated at being made an offer, but pissed off at being low-balled and at having to travel an hour and 40 minutes total for a 12 minute meeting. On the way back to the train station I did pass a place called the 'Monkey Bar'. You KNOW that if I take this job I will be going in there...

When I got home, I got a call from X1's mother. The kid made the mistake of mentioning I was interviewing to her. She calls and in her syrup sweet bullshit voice 'hi, just calling to see if you heard about the job'. Well, as a matter of fact I just got an offer and turned it down. You would have thought I told her I killed a baby. She was so bent that I turned down an offer. I told her that's part of the process sometimes. You have to negotiate. She didn't get it. She then tries to change the subject and tells me I have to get the kid insurance when she moves in. Basically I won't bore you with the details, but she was treating me like I was 15 and the kid was a baby. She got pissed off when I told her that the kid WILL get a job when she is here. Yes, she will go to school, but SHE WILL HAVE A JOB. Period. This is not up for debate. Then she starts in with how she is in bad mood and doesn't want to argue. Then why the FUCK DID YOU CALL ME? I was fuming when I got off the phone. I called X1 and told her to tell her fucking mother the following:

- She is HER MOTHER, not mine
- I am NOT 15 any more, please stop treating me as such
- YOU ARE MY EX-WIFE'S MOTHER BE HAPPY I EVEN ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE
- DO *NOT* TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD

X1 actually agreed with me on everything and felt her mother was in the wrong. Okay. Thank you. Blood pressure down. And that's when things went back to zero. That was it. The day was basically done. I had some dinner (grabbed a burger on the way home from the train station), watched TV, went to bed.

Let us all wait on pins and needles to see what today brings.

Y2 D341

First things first -- I don't care if Bin Laden is dead. He hasn't been relevant for years. A ghost that we pull out when someone needs a scare or if we need to explain why we have to keep spending billions on a war we shouldn't be fighting anyway. Seriously, I don't normally subscribe to conspiracy theory tactics, but this ones stinks like a sardine left in the sun for too long. We are about to enter election season, gas is over $4.25 a gallon, and people are pissed off. What do we do? We decide to tell the world Bin Laden is dead - A WEEK AGO. Oh yeah, we killed him last week, we were just sitting on the body to make sure his DNA matched. Um, sure. Whatever. Now we can blame everything on his followers who have made him a martyr. What a load of bullshit.

In other news...

Spent the day around the house yesterday. It was beautiful outside and I went out for a little while mostly to run errands. I went and looked at new beds for the kid. I found a box spring and mattress set for $250 that I think I will buy in June. Money I would have used for her child support can go towards a new bed for her. She is old enough that it is time to retire the twin and get her on a queen size bed. I have an extra frame still so why not. Her room will fit it.

I also picked up some paint. I have another little painting project I want to embark upon this week. I am going to paint the trim of my fireplace and the wall opposite in a bright yellow. Brighten up the room a bit. I will start with the fireplace trim and see if the color works. Big project to keep me in the house and out of trouble. Beyond that I didn't do much yesterday. Oh, I did have one bad moment; I completely ran a red light. I was just zoning out coming back from the paint store and just went right through it. I would have had no excuse if a cop pulled me over. This one was just straight up, I missed it.

Made mac and cheese and banana walnut fudge ice cream yesterday. That kept me busy for a little while. That's about it. Felt lonely. Felt bored. Read a book. Went to bed.

Y2 D340

It's May 1st. In 32 days the kid will have graduated and be moved in with me. It's so close and so real. I have one more child support payment to make in about 3 weeks. And in 25 days this chapter of my life will be over. I will have survived two years. Survived is the perfect word some days too. From my bad choices to the good choices to my brother, it's all been about survival. 3 more weeks. THREE MORE WEEKS.

Yesterday was errand running and cleaning day. Did grocery shopping in the morning, cleaned the house in the afternoon, cleaned the bunny cage later in the day, and did a show last night.

I did go with a buddy of mine to help him by a TV yesterday. While I was happy to go help him pick one out, there was a definite twinge of jealousy when he spent $1200 on a 40" LED 3D TV. I remember those days. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him and was not a jerk, but there was some jealousy. I know the reason I can't do these things any more is in part my own fault. Of course I didn't say any of this to him. It's my issue, not his.

He also came to the show last night which was kind of cool. He is actually the first of my friends to come to one of the shows. That made me feel proud. I got to introduce him to everyone and after the show he told me how impressed he was with all he saw going on. He never had thought about how much behind the scenes work goes into putting on a show like this. He got to get in early before the general crowd so he saw all the prop unloading, the setup, the pre-show decisions and last minute changes for the night, and he was genuinely impressed. Like I said, made me proud of what I was doing.

We had a good show; solid seat numbers, no major mishaps, etc. I missed one cue because I was dealing with something, but other than that it was a good clean run. Went for pie with about six others, and got home at 4:30. I do so love the fact that I am still up before most people on a Sunday even after going to bed at 4:30. Not much on the old agenda today. I may go to the store to buy a small thing of paint as I am thinking of doing some painting in the house. We shall see if I buy anything. I need to drop off props and I was thinking about hitting a thrift store as I am still looking for a new bed for the kid before she moves in and a smaller dining room table.

Off to meet the wizard...