Y4 D36

One, two, three, almost, come on, you can do it, right there, damn, nope, so close. Five hours and three, almost four orgasms for her, zero for me. Yeah, I know. Guilt. Nerves. Wait correction. Since I started typing this she woke up. So the new count would be 4.5 for her thank you very much. She wanted to sleep, but hey you know how it goes. Naked, morning, why waste it?

All in all, yesterday was a pretty fucking awesome day. I have to say it goes down as one of the better one in recent history. The morning saw a brow appointment, followed by a five hour meeting with a new client. The best part of that meeting was when one of the client's people asked what my role was as this was the first time they had met me and I threw down my business card with ROCKSTAR in bold fucking letters. We are doing a POC for this client meaning everything is fast, dirty, rough... shit am I confusing the later part of the day with the client? Heh. Well I guess there are some similarities.

After the meeting with the client, I headed to the train station and headed downtown to check into the hotel and see if I could kill some of my nerves with Vodka. It did it's job. I bought a bottle of Cotton Candy at Safeway with a whole lot of Rockstars. Thank god as I needed those later in the day/night.

Oh shit, back up. Before I left, my new Disney Pin order arrived. I didn't have much time to go through them but it looks like I got about 45 new ones bringing the big board total to 548. Yeah bitches. Plus I will have about 80 to bring with me in two weeks to the park. I will break 600 before the middle of July.

Okay, so I am downtown, walking around killing time before the show, and my boss calls. I had asked for a salary increase to help cover my rent increase. After a good discussion we settled on a 1.5% raise, plus a $1000 gift card. See, it's easier for them to write off gifts rather than cash. It was pretty funny; he was asking do I need anything - tablet, laptop. I'm like, no I am actually good right now. Funny enough.  He laughed and asked 'do i have the right person? Did I dial a wrong number?'.

Then I went to the opera. We had a little pre-opera texting to warm things up. The opera itself? Enjoyable. Act I was long and a bit annoying, but I had a second row aisle seat, the sound was good, the production itself well acted and costumed, so all in all no complaints. Act II was much better not only because it was shorter, I just found it more entertaining.

After the show she had to shut down and then we headed back to the hotel. We actually talked for a while as I wanted to know what was going on, where we stood, what this was all about, etc. Yes I was being a girl. Sue me. We had a couple of drinks and then the fun started. We went at it from about midnight until 3 when she let me sleep for about 45 minutes. Next thing I know it's 4:30. We both finally sleep until 7 and then go at it again. Finally a shower and then done.

We WILL see each other again. I promised her I will leave my guilt and nerves at home. The guilt comes from the status of her relationship. I feel weird as she is still trying to reconcile with her husband, she has multiple partners right now, and we need to keep emotions in check for now. That's hard for me. I am an emotional guy. Keeping my emotions at bay is a challenge. Everything I do has emotion attached. But she is not there. She wants sex. I do too, don't get me wrong, but there's a certain amount of emotion in my mind that comes with that. Age I guess. Or more because I know her and have liked her for a while? I don't know. I do know that I need to let it go if I have a chance of sleeping with her again. Which I want to do.

Heading home on the train now. Show tonight.

Y4 D35

Bippidee boppidee boo bitches...

Hi.

Still amusing myself.

It's fun in here. Fuzzy. Warm. Oddly familiar. Smells good too. I was on hold yesterday as expected which allowed me to by 9:30am:

- dye my hair
- do dishes
- vacuum
- make cheeseburger mac and cheese
- clean the bathroom

Not too shabby eh? I did have to do a little work yesterday but not enough to stress over. Today I have an onsite meeting with a new client from 9-2. Have to be pretty for that. Oh wait, I am always pretty.

Played a shit ton of Diablo yesterday. Killed Ghom. Yay me. Started a new character. I want to get all the achievements (bite me Blizzard) and that means playing with all classes at some point. Did I mention I ordered pins for my upcoming trip by the way? I managed to score 100 for 57. Not bad. That should allow me to bring about 60 with me on my trip. We nailed down our trip 7/8 - 7/11. Two days in the park, one day in Hollywood, one day in my old town. So anyway, played Diablo. Went to the store and bought a new shirt both for tonight and for this client. I needed a dress shirt that didn't have stains, holes, or looked too tight. I am fucking fat right now. I need to drop 20-30 again. It's so much harder with the kid in the house because she wants to eat. When I was alone it was easier to skip meals. But now I cook because she's here. Fuck it. When I get back from vacation no eating for me. One month of starvation. Back to diet pills and rockstar. Must. Be. Pretty. That's my next tattoo I am getting. On my side, coffin with a banner wrapped around that says 'Leave a Pretty Corpse'. Yep. I love the irony. It amuses me. I only paid $20 for the shirt at Macy's. Some big sale. Regular price was $50, on sale for $20. Okay. I can deal with that. Came back. Watched X-Files. Played Diablo. Went to bed.

I packed yesterday too for tonight. Important stuff - condoms, lube, nipple clamps, vibrator, tape, candles, cuffs, chains - you know, the necessities. Look for the bare necessities the simple bare necessities of life...

I am actually a bit nervous about tonight. I don't want to have issues because nice guy gets in the way of what she wants. Nice guy must go away tonight. Thank fucking god for vodka...

Y4 D34

Everybody sing with me:

Special hell, special hell, I'm going to the special hell. It's so warm, it's so nice, don't have to ask me twice!

Hahahahahaha. Amusing myself.

Why the amusement? Because I am getting laid tomorrow night. No, this isn't wishful thinking or hoping I am getting laid. I am getting laid. When a woman says certain things it's pretty clear what her intentions are for the situation. See below...

And how did all this come about one may ask? Let me tell you boys and girls...

Tomorrow night I am going to the opera. Yes, the opera. My friend who I mentioned is in town from Portland for the summer is the stage manager for a production. To support her, be her friend, get a chance to hang out with her, etc I asked her if it would be cool if I came to one of the performances. That was a week or so ago. On Tuesday I double checked with her if it was still cool if I came to the show. She said yes. Yesterday I bought my ticket for the Friday night performance. They are a non-profit theater group and as someone who knows what that is like, I was okay with spending the $30 on a ticket. I mentioned to her in chat that I bought my ticket and I was thinking about taking the train instead of driving. I asked her if she might be able to give me a ride home afterwards as I would probably miss the last train. I also mentioned I might get a hotel room that way I don't have to stress if she wanted to go get a drink or whatever after the show. She said she should be able to drive me home. Okay, cool.

Four hours later (I checked the chat logs), she responds with 'I could be 100% convinced to stay the night if you did get a room'. Um, done and done? We flirted for a bit, innuendos a flying, and at one point I said 'if you're exhausted after the show, you can relax, take a bath, have some champagne, a massage, and then whatever.' Her response: 'after the show I think I want to be pushed up against something and fucked.' Damn. That is pretty straight forward. I said that I was trying to be a gentleman, but am happy to work that way too. I loved her response 'I already know you're a gentleman, now show me you're a man.' Getting laid tomorrow night kids. Luckily I had enough points that the hotel isn't costing me anything really. I had to use some cash and points, but yeah it will be worth it. We all pay for sex in one form or another and for me that's a theater ticket and a hotel room. I am good with that.

Now there is some pressure here to perform, but I am sure I can rise to the challenge. Still amusing myself...

I did other things too yesterday. Um... oh I worked more. I did finish up all of the final QA changes for the reports. Which means that unless some weird shit is found today, I am idle. I feel pretty confident I took care of everything last night, but there could still be one or two little formatting or display issues today. Nothing that should cause me any stress.

The kid had a donut date with her XBF. He then hung out and watched Lilo and Stitch with her. I think those two are FWBs at this point. Whatever. They want to bang, let them bang. Not my place. She gets knocked up I will kick his ass, but as long as everyone is safe, let the whole house get laid! Yeah, I know, Father of the Year. At least she is safe and happy. I heard him leave around 11 or 11:30 last night. Again, as long as she is safe and happy who cares. I am going to spend the night in a hotel tomorrow to get laid so I cannot judge. That was my day. And remember:

MAY I NEVER BE COMPLETE. MAY I NEVER BE CONTENT. MAY I NEVER BE PERFECT.

Y4 D33

Worked really late last night. Up until about 11:30. But this morning I have one thing left on my plate for this round and that should only take me an hour or two. Then I am free from this client for a while. I just need to hang on for about a week and a half and I am on vacation. Granted it won't be much of a vacation unfortunately. But my group stuff is paying off in a way.

I have been stressing because originally I was going to spend a whole week out of town, in Disneyland, hanging with friends, etc. Because of the IRS shit, that plan got scrapped. Then I found out I couldn't afford a hotel room for the time I wanted to go without the money I was hoping for from the state. Well yesterday I was all pissy about it because I am down to the wire for making reservations and stuff. And I started to distort in my head and get all defeatist and depressed. But THEN I used one of the techniques in the book that I have learned and bam, I went from anger and frustration to finding a compromise which while I am not 100% happy, I am certainly not as upset as I was. In the end I will still be able to go away but only for four days. This is okay. I can handle this. Not what I wanted, but in the end it's probably better for me financially. A compromise. Now I am still taking the whole week off,  but I will just chill at home for three days and use the time to rearrange furniture, finish a painting project I have wanted to start, and relax. See? Good compromise.

After dealing with that in the morning I started working. All day. Until 4:30 when I went to group. We were down to four of us. The first week had 8, second week had 10, but now there is just 4. You can tell who is serious about it and who isn't. I personally am enjoying being able to open up about things in a room of non-judgmental people. People who in their own way are as fucked up as me. We discussed social interactions and support yesterday. We had to fill out this chart for each type of social need a person has with names of people and if that was enough, not enough, or none. On one hand for the boxes I was able to fill in, I was happy. On the other though, there were four empty boxes on the sheet. Not just one or two people, empty. That sucked. But those four boxes all had one thing in common; they all related to the type of person one would consider a significant other. It's no wonder mine were blank. Meh. Someday. Or maybe not. It doesn't matter any more.

Got home about 7:30, made dinner, then at 8:30 got back to working. Now to finish up this last one thing on my plate.

Y4 D32

Told you I was going to go heads down yesterday and make up my work slackage. I worked until almost 8pm last night with just a couple of small interruptions. One of them to get the kid food at the store. Otherwise, I knocked out my stuff, got back on track, and today can breathe a little easier. As of this second, I am now in waiting mode with only a few things to do this morning. Totally worth the stress of last night. Which means, not much to mention this morning. At least not as far as things going on. What I will mention is a thought I had last night around 9 or 10. I was very tired from working and frustrated with everything. The thought popped into my head like jello in a cup...

Some people are adrenaline junkies - you know people who don't feel alive unless they are jumping out of a plane or climbing a rock face. They need that possibility of death to make them feel more alive. I have determined I am an irresponsibility junkie. I truly feel alive when I am doing things I am not supposed to be doing. Begging off work, wearing the 'wrong' clothes, piercings, tattoos, all those things that I am not supposed to do make me feel alive. Stupid, huh? But I won't lie. It's true. I feel the happiest when I am doing something society deems morally or socially wrong. Not illegal mind you. Just the 'oh you can't do that' kind of thing. Maybe this is something to discuss in therapy tonight. Try to figure out where it comes from in my head.

That's it boys and girls. Nothing else going on today. We now return you to your regularly scheduled stupidity...

Y4 D31

As promised today is a twofer. We shall start with Saturday. In the day I didn't do much. The kid worked in the morning so I didn't have a car and that limited some of my options. I used it as an excuse to have a marathon Diablo session. Finished up act 2. Two more to go. She got home around 2 and then around 3:30 we headed over to our friend's house for the party. Since we were planning on spending the night and needed stuff for the parade of Sunday we both packed half the house it felt like. Seriously, I went to Europe with less luggage. On the way we stopped and had some lunch. By the time we got there it was about 5. The night was pretty fun. All in all there were probably 12-15 people there with 5 of us who were staying. We played Cards Against Humanity, drank, laughed, etc. About 11 most folks headed home, our hosts went to bed, as did the kid. That left four of us awake and bored in the living room. We ended up having one of those not quite drunk, but not tired enough to sleep kind of conversations. Just talking abut nothing in particular. Finally we ended up falling asleep around 3. See, I told you Saturday wasn't very exciting.

Sunday was fun. We were up around 6:30 and started getting into costume for the parade. We all went in full show costumes which is why we had to get up so early. We left for the city about 8:30. Since we were taking public transportation it took almost an hour to get in. We then spent the next 4 hours walking up and down the street handing out flyers. This was my second year doing the parade and I knew what to expect. For a couple people it was their first year and they were amazed at how many people stopped us to take our picture. We had people asking us to sign things, pose with them, kisses, hugs, etc. This is why it took four hours to do the equivalent of what should have been a 1/2 hour walk.  The people I met on Thursday ended up hanging out with us for a while and they too were blown away by how we were treated. The girl at one point was like 'you guys are rockstars'. Yes, yes we are.

Got back home around 4 and the kid headed off to work. I should have worked but I was so tired and had to get cleaned up that I just couldn't get into it. She left for work around 6:30 and I took a long shower and was in bed by nine. I woke up this morning to a text from the kid from around midnight saying she was coming home early as she threw up at work. I don't know the details yet, but I am a little worried. I think it was just the day and exhaustion but we will see.

Today I need to work heads down. I have two major goals and need to hit them or else.

Y4 D30

So apparently I fucked up last night and scared someone by just being me. Okay a loud drunk over agressive me, but still just being me. We are at a friend's house right now because we spent the night to all go into the city together for the parade. There was booze a flowing and it seems this got me into trouble. I don't know the details but whatever. Take me for what I am people.

Yesterday in general was nothing exciting and I will do a two day post tomorrow because other people are waking up and I don't want the world reading over my shoulder.

Y4 D29

It's morning. All over. I am doing okay. I have some guilt but I will work through it. Guilt about work. I need to get some stuff done before Monday morning and I am not behaving well right now. Summertime angst? Because I have so many friends in college, graduating from college, teachers, etc, their summertime laziness is rubbing off on me which is not good. I need to get through the next couple of weeks like a pro before I can relax.

Why all the angst? Mostly because I lost Thursday and then I was too hungover yesterday to anything real. I did some stuff but not enough to feel good about myself. On the personal side things were okay. I had that lunch date where be both agreed we are better as friends than as a couple. That was good.

The kid had an excellent day. There is this company she has been a member of their online community since day one like 5 years ago and yesterday they rewarded her and 9 other users with a special user appreciation day. These are the top ten involved, dedicated, long time users. It's not uncommon for a company to send good users/clients gifts or treat them to a lunch kind of thing, but what this company did is through the roof. Not only did they take them to lunch, they gave each of them a $1000 gift bag. It had a $250 purse, $600 in gift cards from different stores, $300 in makeup, clothes, sunglasses, perfume... yeah. She came home walking on air. She got to meet the COO, the CEO, multiple engineers and product people, and had a great time. she also really wants to work for this company and is going to talk to them on Monday about an internship.

I went in the evening to get a manicure for tomorrow's parade with a friend and then at 10 the kid and I went and saw Brave. LOVED IT. So awesome. So wonderful. Must date a redhead now. Sorry, that's the way it is.

We are going to a friend's house at 3 today and spending the night so we can all go into the city tomorrow for the parade together. I need to get everything together today. This is going to be work.

Y4 D28

Hello, special Hell? It's me. I am ready to come home now...

I woke up this morning on a strange couch, in a strange apartment, with strangers. Yay me. I had blood on my hands, I just found a bruise on my stomach, and I am pretty black after about 8pm. I know at some point I got denied admission to a club because I was too drunk. Sweet.

Okay let's back up. I got up yesterday morning and worked for a while. I then took the train into the city to meet a friend for some shopping for Sunday. Sunday is Pride Parade and we are all going in costume/show clothes to hand out flyers and promote the show. I needed some things to go with the outfit I am wearing and agreed to meet a friend for lunch and she would help me pick stuff out. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, see paragraph one...

We went to lunch and had way too many pear martinis. From there we ended up at this one store and started chatting with the manager. 26, super fucking cute, and she shared with us that the store is closing soon because the owner is done. The owner is a world famous designer who is retiring at 82 and doesn't want to sell her name off to one of the big companies. I applaud her for that. BUT since it's not really public knowledge the stores are closing I will be good and not share the name at this time. Anyway, we had fun talking to her and told her we would be back for this one thing if we didn't find anything else. From there we hit the irish pub and amused all the lunchtime workers. They were all eating fish and chips and having like one pint when we ordered our SECOND round of double vodkas.  Then we did more shopping. For like three hours. Oh wait, while in the mall we stopped at this one restaurant for happy hour. So that would have been around 5? We got to the city at 11, so six hours at that point. THREE separate places drinking. For six hours. Straight. At around 5:30 we went back to the store with the nice girl. We ended up hanging out with her as she closed and the fun part was when said "I am going to go lock the elevator, what you steal is unknown to me la la la". Score. We ended up stealing like $200 in jewelry. Yep.

At that point she says "hey you two been to the new bar at the W yet?". Nope, let's go! We started drinking something called The Devil Goes to Moscow. How fitting. I had some kind of potato chip with dill and caviar followed by a tuna tartare. That's when things get fuzzy. We left there, I think that's when my friend got on public trans to go home and I went home with this girl. I remember around 10 we tried to go to the club across the street from her apartment and they wouldn't let me in because we were drunk. See above. Then we went back to her place and ....... morning. I honestly don't remember anything in between. I remember kissing someone at some point, but I don't remember who, where, what happened after the kiss. Nope. Nothing. I hope I was good...

And today I have a lunch date. Rock on baby, rock on...

Y4 D27

Slept like complete and utter shit last night. Woke up three different times due to bad dreams. One about X2 at that. I haven't had one of those in a while which is what disturbs me. She's the last person I want to be dreaming about ever. Yelling. Infidelity. Money. Standard topics and all coming at me in my sleep. Fuck that. I don't remember the other two as clearly but I do know I did not have a restful time of it last night.

I forgot to mention something else that happened on Tuesday with me and the guy in group. I mentioned that he remembered me from high school but I forgot about our conversation in the elevator. I made some comment about being a loser outcast during that time and his response was 'well you seemed pretty cool to me'. Huh. Really? Weird.

I did get a GOOD letter from the IRS yesterday. Didn't even know they knew how to send those. All that shit with the house and the old taxes? Settled. I got a letter saying you owe us nothing and the case is officially closed. Thank fucking god.

Worked all day and even into the night a bit. I am taking a respite today for about four hours to run some errands for Sunday which I can't do at night which means I wanted to get some major work in yesterday to alleviate the guilt I will have today.

I was up until about 11:30 getting some modeling done. The upside? Since I feel like shit this morning I don't feel bad because no one is going to be waiting for me to finish the model. I know they are all in already and have been able to work. Small victories.

Not much else went down yesterday. Obviously I didn't go to that seminar. I figured out that I would have had to leave my house at 5 and not gotten home until 11:30 which I just couldn't afford time wise yesterday.

Let's see what I can accomplish today. If anything.