Y4 D200

A few things about yesterday's post:

1. I am anything BUT apathetic about my situation. I spend most of my time thinking about it and how I can change it, where I can change, what parts I have to learn to accept, what parts are decision versus nature, and every other aspect of it.

2. I wish I could go to one on one counseling. Unfortunately my insurance only covers group. If I want personal counseling I have to pay anywhere from $100-$150 a session out of pocket. I don't qualify for shit because I 'make too much money' according to the rules. Now, I am switching insurance carriers 1/1 and who knows, maybe then I will have some mental health insurance that's worth a damn.

3. I won't take meds. Sorry, but I won't. I have been down that path before and I don't like it. I don't like who I am, what they do to me, and the fact that I am dependent on a PILL to MASK what's wrong with me instead of fixing it. Look at Larry Flynt - he was on so many drugs every day to mask the pain he was experiencing and he hated it. When he had the choice to have surgery to be out of pain that would essentially put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, he chose that. FIX me, don't hide the issue. I am with him. I would suffer through EST if it fixed the problem before taking a fucking pill.

4. I know that in part my issues are self-inflicted and temporary. They are a result of choices both made and thrust upon me and are situational. Don't forget all the things I have been going through have only been since May of 2009. Less than four years. In that time I have dealt with more shit than most people deal with their entire lives. The fact that I am still walking and functioning is a testimony to the strength of my character. When the dust settles, I am a bad motherfucker. I bounce where other people crumble. It also means that sometimes I just need to fucking vent okay? I need to get all these things OUT before they explode inside.

Like yesterday for example - I turned off my phone and all chats. Why? Because I didn't want to explode on anyone. They don't deserve it. It's my head and I don't get to puke it on them. Here I can puke. On them, no.

There are other things I have come to terms with too. I have given up the romance of finding someone. I won't settle though either. Hence, I must accept that I am probably going to be alone for a long time. It is what it is. I also know that once the kid is out, I will have more options open to me and I will be able to change some of the things eating at me right now. I am a create of wanderlust, I know this. I need to be seeing and doing. Part of the problem is I have been home for WEEKS and seeing the same four walls gets to me. I need to GO somewhere. Which is why I was more upset than I should have been about not going to Disneyland next week. I was hoping for that catharsis of being out of town. I should be back on the road in January which will help.

So there you go.

Waited for the kid to get home from work yesterday and then we went Christmas shopping. I spent $3 at the bar Saturday night and decided to spend what I would have normally spent on Christmas toys for us. Yes, toys. We went to Toys R Us and bought $50 worth of dumb gifts. Made us both happy.

Came home, made dinner, went to bed at 7:30. Today is another up at 3:15 days. Done at 1.

Y4 D199

One of the hardest questions for me to answer for people is "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?". Because the real answer would go something like this:

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know? My life? My lack of a emotional and physical intimacy with someone I actually care about? My financial outlook for the future? My job satisfaction? My overall life satisfaction? My body image? My mental image? The fact that I am getting older and have nothing to show for it and will leave behind anything but a beautiful corpse? That I hate everyone and yet love everyone at the same time? I don't know how to answer your question because truthfully I don't know what's wrong other than I feel hollow, empty, lonely, and want to give up. But hey, thanks for asking."

Yeah, no one wants to hear that. So you say "I'm fine." or "Nothing, just tired.". When in reality you want to climb to the top of the tallest building and scream at the world to wake up and then jump off feeling for once in your life that you are truly free.

I ate 170 calories yesterday. Four triscuits, 2.5 diet rockstars. I wasn't hungry at all. I'm still not. And yes, I am up at 5:30 on a Sunday. Not because I had a show last night. No, I was in bed by 11. Instead I decided to be a nice guy and get up and cook breakfast for the kid before she has to go off to work. She has to work at 7 and I want her to have energy and be in a good mood. One of us should be in this house at least.

On the way home from the party I went to last night I was listening to the USB drive I have in the car. 700+ songs set on random. Closer came on. At first I started thinking about how it reflects the relationship I have with SG but then I realized it's HER version of our 'relationship'. She's the one who needs to pretend to be someone else. She's the one who needs someone to make her perfect. I can't take her fucking narcissism right now. I don't have anything of myself left to give to her. She wants to get together now that she is back in town but I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to be with her. How fucking sad is that? There are men my age would be in awe. "Yeah, I got this 21, almost 22, year old who wants nothing from me except to hook up and have sex for hours. Kinda sucks, but you know how it goes.". Truthfully most people DON'T know how that goes. You can't go up to someone my age who has been married forever with kids at home and say "Yeah, I am tired of sportfucking. I really want to be back in a relationship that matters.". They stare at you with the look in incredulity like you just walked out of a time machine from 1900. The words don't make any sense to them.

Well they do to me. I don't want to sport fuck any more. Hell I don't even want to fuck any more. Is it so wrong that I just want someone to SHARE experiences with right now? And I am not saying I want to sit on the couch and cuddle or any bullshit like that. I still want to live my life and have fun, I have just reached the breaking point of doing it ALONE.

I guess I should mention what brought all this on. This vomiting of words. This spewing. Sorry I had to take a break to make the kid's breakfast as promised. At least she is proud of me. I didn't break my promise. I was home early, up early, and delivered on the promised breakfast meal. I can make someone happy at least.

Anyway last night was our cast birthday party. 17 years the cast has officially been in existence in one form or another. Not everyone obviously been on there for 17 years. I think the longest running are our directors at 15 years.

I go to the pub where the party is at and I really didn't want to go because I knew what was going to happen but there supposed to be people there for whom I have Christmas presents. Of course all of them bailed. Great. Had I known I would have begged off. Whatever. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't talking because I just didn't want to have any contact with people. Because as I look around the room everyone is happy and engaged with each other. I didn't belong. Once again. I didn't fit in. I wasn't there with anyone. I wasn't going home with anyone. Alone and isolated as usual. So I stayed to myself and left without any fanfare. I could have tried to be more engaging but the simple truth is I didn't want to be engaged. I wanted the isolation. It felt right. It felt like what I deserve. Explain all that to someone when they ask "What's wrong?".

The day yesterday was okay. The kid worked. I went grocery shopping in the morning. Got $260 worth of groceries for $190. Some smart shopping. Some digital coupon use. I hate coupons, but if I can go to a website and assign coupons to my frequent shopper card, fine. I will do that. Saved an extra 10% off my bill by doing that. Stopped at the dollar store for stocking stuffers. Boring basic shit but needed to get done shit too.

Hung out and relaxed until the kid got home then headed to the party. That was my day. That is my mindset. I have turned off all facebook chats today because I just don't want to deal with SG. I am at the point where I am going to snap with her and I don't want to be an asshole. It's best if I avoid rather than confront right now. Just for now.

My back hurts. I need to go soak it today.

Y4 D198

I went out last night and shook my funk off a little. I didn't let things get out of hand or too crazy though. I managed to enjoy myself without overdoing it or being home at a crazy time, etc. I taught in the morning. If you can call being up at 3:30am morning. Class started at 5, finished at about 12:50. Class went really well and I got some great feedback at the end. One student said in front of everyone:

"You did an excellent job on the pace and presenting the materials. I have been to many classes where they try to teach too much too quickly and you end up feeling like you missed something. You gave us just the right amount where we can take this away and actually start leveraging the information in a productive way."

That's pretty damn good feedback. I was happy about that. Took a little nap after class for about 45 minutes. The kid had a date in the city and I decided to do some Christmas shopping for friends and meet one of my friends for dinner in the city. We left here around 3 and headed to the train station. She got off before I did and we agreed whoever left the city first could take the car home, we just needed to text each other.

I got to my destination around 4, did my shopping, and headed to my friend's place around 5. She wasn't there so I hung out with her boyfriend for a while. She got home around 6:30 and we went out for Indian food. Not bad. It was pretty tasty without being over the top. After that we popped into the bar around the corner from her place. We talked, had a few drinks, and I was back on the 10:30 train home. Okay. Well done. I didn't get stupid drunk, I didn't pass out on their couch for once, and I got home by about 11:45. It was a nice night out and helped shake the cobwebs from my head.

I am still not 100%, but I am at least amongst the living. Tonight is a cast party and I am not sure how I am going to feel about going. We shall see.

Y4 D197

3:39am. I have seen this time of the morning more than most people ever will. Whether for business or pleasure. I am a creature of the dawn. Not the night, not the day, but the dawn. The early morning hours in between. Like me - in between. Never quite fitting in one place or another. Always hovering on the edge. The dawn and I understand each other. It's quiet, lonely, and cold.

Taught yesterday from 5-1. Napped until 2. Worked on another project until 5. Ate, watched Firefly with the kid, went to bed.

Nothing else.

Y4 D196

This is way too early in the morning for a person to be up. And to be working. It's one thing when I am up at this time because I am having sex or coming home from a show. But to intentionally be up at 3:30 in the morning is fucking insane.

I was supposed to work yesterday morning but the call didn't come through until almost 2:30 in the afternoon. I then had to work while cooking dinner and while trying to get to bed at a decent time to be up this early. Yeah that didn't work. I didn't go to bed until 10 and then couldn't sleep until 11:30 and then I woke up at 2. I managed to fall back to sleep from 2:30 until 3:30 but it still sucked ass.

The kid had her new friend over and we watched Firefly together. I feel guilty sometimes that this place is so small and I can't really offer a lot of privacy but then again she has a TV in her bedroom and can always go in there if she wants to be alone.

That in a nutshell is my life. It's been raining. My mood is still lousy. No one has called me, texted me, or even given two shits about my general welfare. My life. Yay me.

Y4 D195

I am filled with an emptiness right now. Just a void. Almost apathy but not quite. It's a hollow feeling of loneliness, sadness, worthlessness, fear, and many more depressing adjectives. I can't shake it. Tis the season motherfucker.

The kid got bad news. She didn't get into the Disney program again. She is depressed about that but at the same time she now can finally move forward with the guy she has been seeing. She has been not allowing herself to get close in case she was moving. She also doesn't understand why she didn't get in again. There are 64,000 people who apply every year and they accept 8,000. Her and 55,999 other people won't get in this year. Perspective.

Me? I trained all day. Same thing all week. Didn't put on pants. No need. I think if you look in my laundry basket I have worn four things in the last 2 weeks. Scary.

Doesn't matter. It's not like anyone gives a shit or wants to see me anyway.

Y4 D194

Meh. Whatever. That's how I am feeling right now. I have absolutely no motivation to get up in the morning and do anything. Unfortunately I am training this week and have to act perky. Class starts in 30 minutes. Spent the day training from 7-4:30 yesterday. Since it's a 'mentoring' gig, there's no real start/end time. Basically when the client is done for the day. Whee.

Made steak for dinner. Went to bed. That's my life.

Y4 D193

Woke up at 3:20am this morning from a bad X2 dream. I don't want to talk about it though. It was the same old shit and isn't worth rehashing. I think it just falls in line with what I experienced yesterday and Saturday - that whole feeling of loneliness, despair, and feeling like everything is a mistake including me.

I didn't leave the house yesterday except to go to the grocery store. I was just going to get a couple of things but you know how that goes. $100 later I have groceries in the house for a week at least. Yay me. Whatever. It's not like I want to eat. I am too fucking fat as it is. I need to stop eating for a month. I was supposed to go to Disneyland on the 18th but I don't think I am going to go now. Nobody to go with me. And that's a lot of money to spend by myself. It's a $300 weekend before I buy shit. When there's four of us going it's ok - $75 per person is acceptable. But to drop $300 to go by myself just to see Molly Ringwald? Fuck that. I can order 100 pins on line and get at least 50 new ones for $70. Oh look, same goal achieved. What I think I *might* do is go to the city and go to the big Disney store. I was going to buy a couple of people Disney gifts for Christmas so I can get a lot of the same things there. I don't know. I really want to go though. Fuck. Indecisive much? Story of my life. I want to do things but there's no point or fun in doing them alone, now is there?

I am training this week. Today and tomorrow 7-3, Thursday and Friday 5-1 then the same on Monday. The 7-3 isn't so bad, but the 5-1 is going to kill me.

I was going to type something else, but screw it.

Y4 D192

Last night about halfway through the show I was just hit with this overwhelming sadness. I was fine up until that point and then BAM, just felt so alone, old, unwanted, and an outsider. It just hit me. I don't know if it was the audience, or the realization that even though I was around people, I don't have anyone. I know have the kid and 'friends', but I don't have anyone. It just enveloped me in this feeling of complete darkness. The show ended, I packed things up, didn't say a word to anyone and just went home. It was all I could do from breaking down right there at the theater.

Which really sucks because I had a nice day yesterday. I did some Christmas shopping with the kid at the mall. We had a really nice lunch at this mexican place I haven't been to in years. That in itself is a shame because because the food there is REAL Mexican and Latin American food and I had forgotten how good it is. I had rellenos in nogada - chile rellenos in a walnut cream sauce topped with pomegranate seeds. One of my favorite dishes anywhere. I was having such a good day. Got a new Christmas hat with antlers.

Then my mind. You're worthless. You're alone. No one wants you around. No one cares. You don't belong. Go home. Go be alone and stop bugging people. Go now. Go.

And that's where my head is at right now...

Y4 D191

Hey look! IT'S FINALLY DECEMBER! Dear sweet jesus it took long enough to get here. And I left the house last night! Whoooo!

Okay, I went to the tea shop and target, but still, I put on pants!

And I finally shaved. Oh the excitement just continues.

Worked during the day. Had our company quarterly meeting and there were two slides dedicated to positive feedback from our customers about me. That felt pretty good. Around 2 I went and picked the kid up at work and we wandered around the mall for a little while. Her XBF douchebag was coming over last night as they needed to go shopping for show stuff.

When he came over I went out. I didn't want to be around them. While I was out I texted a friend I haven't seen in a while and she came over and hung out with me. That was nice. Some social interaction. We watched two episodes of always sunny and are finally caught up on the show. The most current episode was pretty damn amusing.

We then proceeded to drink and just talk about nothing in particular. At midnight we decided to do a taco bell run. That was fun too.

All in all, nothing exciting, nothing bad, a decent day. One more day I made it through.