Y6 D239

Ya know the hardest part about getting old? One day you're this young buck running around middle finger in the air telling everyone to sod off because you're right, they're all old and stupid, and why can't they just acknowledge you're right?? Well fuck them! I will make my own rules! Fuck the man. Yeah. Okay. Then 10 years go by and you wake up and you realize you are the man. You have the house and car and you realize you never wanted any of it. So ten more years go by and  your world shatters into a million pieces but somehow you bounce back. You find that sliver of that kid you once were who told the world to fuck off and you learn to balance it with the man. But then another 5 years go by and you wake up one day and realize you're right back on that fucking path you just left. The stress. The obligations. The shit that means fucking nothing. Why? To make others happy? Because you're supposed to? Only this time you know you don't have another 10 or 20 years left in you. You can't do it again. So what do you do?

Y6 D238

You know how you stomach sounds when it is hungry or after you've eaten a big meal? That gurgly rumbly sound? That's what I am hearing from under the desk below me. Like some bizarre troll creature living under there. But alas no troll, just the stupid cat. I swear every time I think she's about to be gone forever, she defies the odds and just keeps going. Gee, kind of like me.

Twas a TV marathon day for B. She is hooked on Scandal this week. I went on a mini adventure. I was going to make some tofu waffles in the morning (look them up) but when I pulled out the waffle maker it was disgusting. Like mold growing on it disgusting. So I decided to go get a new waffle maker. Also B had been asking if we had a hand mixer to save her from having to pull out the big kitchenaid every time she needed to mix something small. I went first to CrapMart. I found the hand mixer there, but no waffle maker. I then went to BBB, nothing in the price range I wanted. Next, I popped into Michael's because I have been also looking for some silicon baking cups. Score. Last stop, Target, and waffle maker procured. 90 minutes for those items. Adventure time.

I got back around 1 from all that. Did a little TV marathon myself, but mine was in the other room, and was Black Mirror. I am all caught up now having watched 3 episodes - White Bear, The Waldo Moment, and White Christmas. The Waldo one was meh. It was good but more in line with things that happen right now anyway. I didn't feel like there was much there other than the humanity angle.

Now White Bear and White Christmas? Fuck me. White Bear was hard to watch but so damn good. White Christmas you could slowly see what was coming but it still made you pause. Excellent fucking show.

We had steak for dinner and I sat in the other room with her for a little while. But then I went and did some file work. Downloaded some stuff, organized, etc.

Went to bed around 11. Today is course material writing day followed by four days of training. Let the week begin.

Y6 D237

Had an acceptable day yesterday. My moods have been all over the place the last few days and I know it. It's because I have been home too long. Too much of the same 4 walls. Too much of the same area. I am getting lost in my own head more and more. I need to do something and get out. Two weeks. Two weeks and I can go out of town.

We did make plans for Valentine's Day weekend. Technically we are celebrating late because of my work, but at least we're celebrating. We are going to go to Monterey for a couple of days. See the aquarium, walk around, etc. It will be a nice change of pace.

Yesterday we got up and made broccoli cheddar soup and left it in the crock pot to cook while we went out. We had to hit the mall for some stuff including some eye cream for me. Since we left out here in the middle of fucking nowhere, the journey to the mall is 30-40 minutes. I feel so fucking mid-western having to do that. Sigh.

We grabbed a late lunch at BJs and we were home around 4. Some friends came over at 6 and we had the soup and salad. The soup came out fantastic and is one of the best fucking soups I have ever made.

We went out to the smoke shop as I wanted some new e-juice and they needed some stuff too. That was fun. We had a nice little journey. We came back, played CAH, and relaxed. They took off around 11:45 and I went to bed around 1 after cleaning.

Today we have nothing on the agenda. Let's see how the day goes.

Y6 D236

Did yet one more round with my client yesterday. They are very happy with the service level they received. After I sat through a 2 hour webinar that made me want to poke my eyes out and shove rocks in my ears.

When class was done, I took a little nap. Got up and well didn't do jack fucking shit to be honest. B found a new show so there goes the TV. I sat in the other room and watched Black Mirror. Episode "Be Right Back". Some fucked up shit right there. Had dinner. Talked a LOT with the kid last night which was nice.

And that's about it.

Friends coming over tonight. Mostly for B. I need to get away not have anyone here. Two weeks until me and the kid go to Disneyland. I can't fucking wait.

Y6 D235

Interesting day yesterday. Highlights included:

Going out at 6:30am to have my car serviced. Had a 7am appointment and at my old dealership that meant you go there super early even with an appointment. Here? I was the only one. And it turns out my appointment was 7:30. Lovely. Sat for two hours in the coldest waiting room ever. It was down to 39 here yesterday and I was freezing all fucking day.

Stopped at the mall after the car for some body wash.

Came home and made significant strides on a new training I have been working on.

Went grocery shopping late. We discovered a new place recently - WinCo. Warehouse style shopping and prices without the membership AND with name brands and smaller quantities. I don't need a 128 ounce thing of ranch, the 16 will do fine thank you.

Cleaned out the pantry and the fridge to make room for the $200 in groceries bought.

Watched random television while working. I like my new desk configuration. I can see all the screens at the same time.

Then the freakout at midnight. B's cat was being overly affectionate to me last night and she got this irrational panic attack that it was because the cat was worried about me dying in my sleep. WTF? Great. There goes any chance of me sleeping. Not to mention her watching over me while I tried to sleep. Fucking weird ass shit.

Last day of working with the client. Work on docs. Then the weekend. Groceries are done so no obligations for the weekend. Yay me.

Y6 D234

The wheels on the bus go around and around...

that's me. the wheels on the bus. same shit, different day. Need a change. Need to get back on the road, or go somewhere, or do SOMETHING. Worked. trained. watched random shit. watched black mirror. the entire history of you. implants that record EVERYTHING. cool. scary. not for the obsessed. but very interesting.

bed. sleep. rinse repeat.

Y6 D233

Moving very slow this morning. I have been up for a while but can't seem to focus long enough to get anything accomplished. Having a rough time of it.

Did another session with my client yesterday. Another one is scheduled for today. Watched another episode of Black Mirror. Made pork chops for dinner. Ran to the store. Found where the car dealer is as I have an appointment tomorrow for service. Thoughts are all over. I am pissed at one or more of the housing development we went and saw on Sunday as it would appear they sent my email to a fucking spam list for 'get your loan now' kind of shit. 20 unwanted fucking emails yesterday. If I figure out which one did it I will tell them that thanks to that practice I would never buy a house from them even if I fucking could. Big words. Empty threat.

Whatever.

Another session today. Work on new material. Drive off of a cliff. Sounds like a plan.

Y6 D232

Still not happy about my life right now but I managed to keep it buried and hidden from B yesterday. There's no reason for her to suffer any more than she already is because of my stupidity and bad life decisions. The least I can do is plaster a smile on my face and pretend like everything is okay whilst inside I am seething and hating myself. I've done it before, I can do it again.

Did some mentoring yesterday with a client. Same thing again today. We did a bit of a Marvel marathon yesterday. I wanted to watch Agent Carter but B had never seen both Captain America movies so we did those first, then the two episodes of Agent Carter, then she wanted to watch Iron Man. I managed to sit through 1, but had to go to bed. She stayed up and watched 2. I don't think she watched the third one though. During the day while I was working she made Chicken Fajita soup which came out really well.

I have no motivation to type. I have no motivation to do anything at all to be honest. I want to sell everything as just looking around is a reminder of all those bad decisions. Sell it all, move to the middle of nowhere, be alone, and let everyone get on with their lives.

Y6 D231

You ever just sit and ponder and dissect every bad choice? Every wrong decision? Every crappy moment? Every stupid fucking thing you have ever done? No? Well that's how I spent my afternoon. Regretting everything I have done for the last 40 fucking years. Every stupid purchase, every moment I needed to be cool, every marriage, everything.

What brought this on? Looking at houses. We went out yesterday morning to get B a fucking donut because she has been doing great the whole rest of this week and she has been craving a donut. Everything else aside, she did great and only ate half then and saved the other half for later. Proud of her for showing restraint. Unlike me my whole life. On the way back we saw signs for one of the housing developments in this area. To make a long story short, we spent the next 4 hours going to all four of the housing developments in this area.

Here's the positive news - for less than what I paid for my first house 12 years ago, we could have a brand new customized house here. My first house was 60 years old when we bought it, 3 'bedrooms' (one of them was a converted garage), one bath, a great yard, but we ended up putting 20,000 into it to make it nice, and it cost me $560,000. We found a floorplan we both loved yesterday that 4 bed, just under 2500 square ft and CUSTOMIZED it would be around 499 - 513. 20 year warranty on things like the foundation, 10 year on the roof and water heater, built in wiring for everything, just perfect.

But by the time we were done looking I was so fucking depressed because I can't afford the fucking down payment on ANYTHING we saw. Nothing. I can't even buy a fucking foreclosure in MI. Because I am an idiot who has made bad choice after bad fucking choice. And it hurt me as my decisions are now haunting me and hurting someone else. B deserves someone who can give her a life.

I don't know what to do or what I am going to do. But I am in fucking state right now, that's for sure. I need to figure out how to rectify a lot of years of bad choices and not ruin yet another person's life.

Y6 D230

Had a long and busy day yesterday. We did another full frontal assault on the fleas yesterday. I spent the morning getting everything off the carpets. If this doesn't work this time, then we have to remove all of the furniture from the place and bomb it. But hopefully it won't come to that. Because we might as well move. Took me a couple of hours to get everything ready, then when B was up and all set, she took the cats and bathed them while I went off on the carpets. Two hours later we were all done and needing to leave the house for an hour.

We went out and grabbed some lunch. Got back, put everything back, and then we made dinner together. We made pork chili verde and cauliflower spanish 'rice'. It came out pretty good. A little weird for me, but definitely edible.

We then watched some TV and at 11:40 we got this random hair up our butt to go to Walmart. Midnight Walmart Run! Woooo! We picked up a couple of things we needed like baggies, ice tray, and dryer sheets.

Got back, hit bed around 1.

The only significant thing of note from yesterday is when we went out the first time, there was a note on the door from our upstairs neighbor. He apologized for the noise and gave me his cell to text him in case of future noise. That was pretty nice. Doesn't make his stomping any easier to deal with, but it was a nice gesture.

Today we have NOTHING planned. Let's marathon something!