ANA Y1 D197

Up early on a saturday. The new dining room table is coming. I cancelled my tattoo last night. I can't spend the money. I've spent too much in the last six months thanks to someone fucking my life up and pets needing more medical help than humans. I need a break. I need to be poor for the next year. I need help. I need guidance. I need another pandemic. I need lockdown. I need help. I need to live a quiet life. I need to get someone out of my life. I need to get back ahead. I need a catastrophe to hit the world. I need a bonus. I need a new job. I need help. I need a side hustle. I need a partner who can contribute. I need my space so I can rent it out. I need help.

ANA Y1 D196

Well bills are paid once again. My big accomplishment for the morning. Money comes in, money goes out. Money goes to people who don't deserve it. To people who have spent 47 days having no responsibilities and no pressures. People who haven't had to deal with horking animals, bills constantly coming in, dealing with the day to day realities of life. No, people who get to play on glaciers and drive through winter wonderlands posting videos get money. The slaves to the grind who have to work when they're sick and pretend to care about jobs that mean nothing, we're the ones paying out the money. We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world.

Meh, don't get me wrong. I am happy still. I am happy with C and our little life. I'm annoyed at everything else. I want B to come home so they can take over some of the annoyances of these animals, but I also don't want them coming home and interfering with my joy. C and I are in a groove. We've settled into a nice little life. I can be happy with it. It's nothing exciting but she doesn't want or need exciting. She wants and needs stability and quiet. I can give her that. I need a partner who pulls their share. I need someone who wants me physically. I need someone who has my back when I need them. She gives me all that. So yeah, let me bitch and moan, but at the end of the day, I'm okay.

Did a webinar dry run yesterday plus a few meetings. Nothing exciting or too taxing. I made swordfish for dinner, baked some cookies, and made a loaf of french bread. We got a grocery delivery which had the swordfish in it. Decided to use it right then. I've been really pleased with my Imperfect Foods deliveries. Saves me from going to the store, gives me a lot of nice produce, and things I wouldn't normally think to buy, like swordfish. It's really helping with my meal planning and budgeting. We've spent very little eating out lately. Dinners in most nights. This pleases me. We watched the last episode of season 1 of Euphoria. What an incredible show. Just mind blowing. From the cinematography to the makeup to the clothes to the acting to the story lines. I have been blown away by every episode. I am excited to start season 2. We will start it this weekend. Once we are done I am moving her on to Justified. My turn to show a show. We shall see if she likes it. That or House just because I want to re-watch House. 

Today I have some work, then we're going for pizza. We have to feed someone else's responsibility as usual, move a dining room table as our new one comes tomorrow, but otherwise we're good. We want to go ice skating maybe this weekend. We shall see how that plan goes.

ANA Y1 D195

I still feel like death warmed over. It's moving from my nose to my throat. I woke up multiple times just dry and unable to breathe. Good times. I tried sleeping some yesterday during the day. It helped a bit. I still managed to get work done and have a 4pm meeting. Made mahi tacos for dinner and both of us were in bed by 10 because C isn't feeling any better than me. I need a couple more days of sleeping and not leaving the damn house. I have two meetings today and once I get through them I'm good. Nothing else on the calendar for today. I made an eye doc appointment for January. My thoughts are all over right now. I think I need to fall down now.

ANA Y1 D194

I feel like shit this morning. I hab a colb. My nose is stopped up beyond belief. I tossed and turned all night unable to breathe. No, it's not COVID again, it's just a normal every day cold. It sucks. Big time. Driving me nuts. This better pass quickly. Or there will be hell to pay.

Did work yesterday and the desk arrived. I started setting it up around 2 and we finished around 5:30. It's a million times more sturdy. More room, adjustable height. Cup holder. Even fits my giant ass water bottle in it. We had leftovers for dinner. C is also suffering so neither of us had any motivation to do anything. We watched Euphoria and went to bed.

Meetings today, then more of nothing. I want to just sleep. 

ANA Y1 D193

Hi. I'm okay this morning. A little tired. I slept well, but rough. I woke up a bit, tossed and turned, and C said I was talking a lot in my sleep. I remember that. I don't remember what I was saying, but I do recall being half awake and mumbling things. Pressure on the brain.

C had a good birthday yesterday and that's all that matter. My day started with voice training. It went well. I have weekly sessions for the next few weeks to get me where I need to be. I have to practice 15-20 minutes per day on vowels at a certain pitch. Okay. It's weird but needed. I was practicing last night when we went out and got ma'amed a lot. Nice. I do like my doctor. She's tiny and funny. I have appointments booked with her through Feb. We shall see how much improvement I have made by then. 

After doctor I worked, then we went out to dinner. Had some trouble finding some place open on a Monday unfortunately but finally found a little hole in the wall that was pretty good. I was happy. We then met up with our friend and went bowling. After bowling we came home, had ice cream, and watched a movie. A successful day.

New desk arrives today. That and work are the game plan.

ANA Y1 D192

Let's start with the positives, shall we? C is back!! She got home around 6:30pm last night. Was so happy she was home. I made homemade meatballs with angel hair and homemade sauce. We had it with some cheesy garlic bread and baby carrots. She also brought a TON more of her stuff with her this time. She is 70% living here now. Plus today is her birthday! WOO! We're going to have Indian for dinner, go bowling, and I have an ice cream in the freezer for her. Presents are on the table. Not to mention we had sex last night and didn't even plan on it or mean to. We were just fooling around a little because we hadn't seen each other in so long and next thing you know HELLO NURSE. It just underlines the attraction I have towards her. I can't help myself. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. She makes me feel wanted and desired and attractive. I mean we did it lights on, pets on bed. We're that into each other that nothing else matters. I know on some level I am substituting X2 and the closure I never got. Or even more to the point, it feels like a second chance to do that over again the right way. Regardless, maybe there's nothing wrong with that? Maybe I am overthinking it and the reality is just because someone looks like someone else it has more to do with having a type than it does with having some deep seated emotional reason. Maybe I should stop overthinking and just enjoy the ride. I don't know. I don't want to mess this one up this time. I know there's also a lot of differences between X2, B, X1, and the myriad of other people I have dated over the last 15-20 years. When I stop trying to analyze everything to death, I see more clearly that it really is that I just have a type. Height. Hair color. Physical body size and attributes. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. There's no law saying every partner has to be a polar opposite. Society just makes us feel bad in that respect. "Oh did you see Joe's new girlfriend looks just like his ex-wife?" Maybe because Joe likes certain things. Ever think about that?? Not everything is as heavy as people try to make it out to be. There's a topic for therapy I guess.

Speaking of therapy, I start voice work today. In 3.5 hours I will be heading out to meet with the doctor. I am nervous and excited at the same time. It is a big leap for me. I also spent time yesterday filling out the name change forms. I want to get those submitted by end of year so I can have my court date as early in 2023 as possible. I want to spend as many days with my new name as I can. I am not changing it drastically or dramatically. It's a simple name change. But it will be a big difference. So yeah, excited about that.

In the negative column, I had a really bad dream last night. I slept well but the dream just kind of messed me up. I didn't like it. It was too vivid and too realistic. I was living with "family" who thought what I was doing was "against god and nature" and took my hormones from me. Very upsetting. 0 out of 10. I woke up from it twice. Twice. I woke up and ended up right back in the same dream. Not cool. Luckily I was calmer when I woke up and had C right next to me. I love rolling over and finding them right there. We sleep literally on top of each other. May that never change.

Time to get ready to embark on a new journey!

ANA Y1 D191

 It's finally Sunday!! THAT MEANS C COMES HOME! YAY!!! In less than 12 hours she will be home and I will feel more put together and complete. It has been a long week without her. For both of us. Making pasta and meatballs for her return tonight. Cleaning the house all day too. Much excite.

As for yesterday I had one extremely pleasant interaction. I took Marble into the vet. Turns out she has a tooth issue. When the doctor told me this, she saw my face go white. I've already spent $8000 this year on cat teeth problems. She calmed me down and explained that, no, it's okay. This is normal cat teeth issues. She has an old tooth that is falling out on its own. Nothing to freak out about, nothing to be done about it right now. Give it a couple of months. If by Feb it hasn't come out, then we pull it. Thank god. Then, she didn't even charge me for the visit. I thought I was going to cry. We go up to the front desk and she's like Merry Xmas. Huh? Go now. Oh!! OKAY!! THANK YOU! Best news ever.

Went to the grocery store, putzed around the house, got into an argument on discord, then went to the tiki bar. I only had 2 drinks then came home. I was home by 7. Made myself a burger, watched some tv, went to bed around 10. 

Time to go clean the house! Tomorrow is C's birthday. We're going to Indian then bowling. I also have my first voice therapy appointment tomorrow. Very excited about that!

ANA Y1 D190

Fuck this fucking cat. Gone. I want it gone. I have never met an animal so needy and clingy and annoying in my life. 4 something this morning she's fucking with everything, sticking her face in my face. ARGH! She's still bugging me. I can't close the door then the dog will be confused. I want all of them gone except one cat. The one cat that may be sick and dying. The one cat that I have to take to the vet in a few hours. I'd like to not have any broken pets for a while. Is that an option? Do they make pets that aren't constantly at the fucking vet? I took the dog in yesterday. Fun times. She shit on the floor the minute we walked in. That was embarrassing. I talked it over with my therapist yesterday. I am willing to let B have all of them. ALL OF THEM. Except my one cat. My one baby stays with me.

In other news, I had a meeting with the company CEO yesterday from 4pm until 5:30pm. I was worried that my job was finally being dissolved. So I decided to dress up, look nice, and go in head held high. Turns out I was getting a promotion. Yep. Okay. Wasn't expecting that. But I am glad I dressed nice. I looked very professional and it paid off. I got complimented on how well dressed I was and felt like I was being taken seriously as part of the senior management team. Go me. 

C had a bad day dealing with redneck idiots yesterday and was on the verge of a breakdown most of the day. I discussed with my therapist why we're having such a rough time being apart and she pointed out that first off, our primary language is touch which has been taken from us, and second our personalities are so well aligned in terms of complimentary functionality that we feel like were "missing" something when the other isn't readily available. All true. Just one more day and she will be back here and both of us will be calmer and feel more stable.

Today vet, then a quick stop at the tiki bar. Not a big night out. Just one or two drinks and then in bed. It's a quiet weekend planned.

ANA Y1 D189

I had a slightly better day yesterday. Still not a 'good' day by any stretch, but better. What happens when two people in a relationship share the same primary love language of physical touch? They both go nuts being apart for a week. Trust me. Only 60 hours until we're back together. C is having a harder time. She is being guilted by her sister who was supposed to leave on Monday but has her own issues and is taking everything out on C. She still feels sick and can't sleep or eat. Me, I am just overwhelmed by everything. Losing my shit trying to deal with this house and act like I care when B sends me stuff. "OH look what I did today!" Good fucking for you. I am over here going insane, but you enjoy your vacation from reality. Have at it. The latest is they may fly directly home. Who the fuck knows any more. 

I had a good meeting with marketing yesterday on goals for December. I know what I need to accomplish over the next few weeks. I did get a full set of 2023 curriculum done for one of the tools we teach. Have one more to go over the next couple of days. Work will be annoying but straight forward. In a few days I start voice therapy. I want to start sending in my forms for my name change. I have plans for 2023 and nothing is going to stand in my way. Nothing.

ANA Y1 D188

Yesterday was a bad day for both me and C. Being apart is getting to us both. For me it was the overwhelming shit that needed to get done around this house all day. I woke up to piles of vomit. The dog wouldn't stop choking all day. I wanted to shove my hand down her throat at one point. Piss on the floor from the cats. Being screamed at for food because you know, they're starving. One is outside my goddamn office door right now screaming. It's all they do. I want them all gone. Yesterday was another one of those days where I realize this house is just too fucking big. To be more accurate, poorly laid out. Too many nooks and crannies. Too many weird rooms. Just cluttered. I want to clean out things. But I am stuck. At the same time I am getting pics of the northern fucking lights from Alaska. Whoop dee fucking doo. Some of us are back home keeping a roof over our heads. Fuck off. For C, it was being in a hostile environment and being sick. She was just dying all day but still being asked to do shit for people. She couldn't catch five minutes to herself. Both of us were just depressed as fuck all day. No amount of cheering up seemed to work.

Here's hoping today is better. I doubt it. But one can hope.