ANA Y2 D44

I didn't like being back here yesterday. It's as if something in me flipped. The people, the area, the cars - all of it annoyed the absolute living fuck out of me. We had to go get groceries and pet supplies yesterday and I was just so annoyed all day. Construction on every street, old people who can't drive, old people in the store, annoying people everywhere. I didn't feel this once when we were in Traverse. It's this fucking area. It drives me nuts. I do not like it here. Period. I am realizing this is the fucking problem. I don't dislike MI per se, I hate this area. I hate the people in this area. I hate the stores and restaurants. I hate the layout. I hate this particular part of MI. This has to be resolved.

I also had a "discussion" with stupidhead last night. I laid it out that they need to get their shit together NOW. I am done. I am done with the status quo. That helped me mentally a bit. I finally got some things off my chest. Let's see if it does any good. I doubt it but we shall see.

Made salmon for dinner. Watched tv, did laundry, played video games. I teach 4 out of 5 days this week, have a dentist appointment, a doctor appointment, and a webinar on the remaining day.

ANA Y2 D43

We decided to come home last night and it was a good decision. We left around 6pm and got home a little after 9:30. No traffic on the roads, no bad weather, no getting frustrated. We got everything unpacked, got laundry going, and snuggled our kitties. We got to sleep in our own bed with our own pillows. We went to bed around midnight and I just woke up. Very good decision indeed.

Yesterday we had another solid day. We started by going to one of C's favorite dairies and having ice cream for breakfast. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but one of the reasons C was excited to go is this is where she spent a lot of her childhood. She has family who live there and she would spend summers with them when she was 12-14. All weekend it was like me in the bay area. She was pointing things out, showing me what was new, what had changed, etc. She had very fond memories of going to this dairy farm and ice cream shop and I wanted to make sure we did it. Totally worth it. After we headed back up the peninsula and went to one of the wineries recommended to us. Fantastic time there. We stopped at an antique store on the way back down, then ended up downtown for Vietnamese food. Back to the hotel where we relaxed, packed, and got ready to go.

Things to do around the house today but nothing major. We cleaned before we left thankfully. Just laundry, some dishes, and kitty stuff. Have to go get litter and a couple other things at the store. Otherwise, we can relax today. I teach four days next week plus a webinar on the fifth day. It's going to be busy.

ANA Y2 D42

I needed yesterday. There's no other way to say that. I NEEDED it. I needed a day where it finally felt about me. I have spent so much time in the last few months worrying about everybody and everything else that I have taken a back seat. I felt I had no choice. Between bills piling up, C's leg, B's just general bullshit, animals, work, and everything else I faded. My priorities, my needs, they all vanished. Well yesterday I got to pretend for one day that I was the only one who mattered. I fucking needed it.

I had the most incredible day. We went to a lavender farm where we picked our own lavender bunches and picked 2.5 quarts of our own cherries. It was magical there. We then stopped at a gorgeous winery where we had a tasting while sitting on a veranda overlooking the lake and the vineyards. From there we headed back into town to make sure our dinner was still on (they had to close for a couple of days due to an emergency). Well not only were they all good, we got to meet the chef/owner. We had a lovely conversation with him and he promised to make us a list of places we needed to visit while in town. After that, we went across the street to the food truck pavilion. We had an awesome BBQ lunch. We went back to the hotel and took a brief nap. Then it was time for dinner.

I haven't had a dinner like this since 2018. First off, it's in an actual house. They do two seatings a night. One at 5/5:30 and then 8/8:30. We got there at 5:18 and didn't leave until 8:15. Three hours. Ten courses, 8 pairings. I haven't flooded social media with pictures yes, but I will. It was heaven. Just pure heaven. Three hours of fun, food, and a casual vibe. The owner did in fact provide us a list of places, we met all the staff, we had fun. 

After that we walked downtown, had cigars and more drinks, then gelato. We finally got back to the hotel at 10:30 and had sex. It was midnight before we collapsed. This is what I needed. I am coming back out the other side. I needed to focus on ME to pull me through. We go home tomorrow, and I know the world will come back with a vengeance but I am feeling able to handle it.

ANA Y2 D41

It's my birthday. I am officially a senior fucking citizen. What? Huh? How is that possible? I was having a good day yesterday until some old cunt misgendered me. That's the first time that's happened in months. Are you kidding me? Do you not see what's in front of your face? Are my tits not big enough for you? Is my hair not long enough? What more do I have to do?? My IDs all say F. The government knows better. Why don't you?? Really put a fucking damper on things. In general I had fun. We like this town a lot. Would definitely consider moving here. Saw all the cherry related things. But. Still have the shadows in my head. They never fade. 

Now I have to pay bills. That will put me in a swell fucking mood. 

ANA Y2 D40

 Heading out of town. Hopefully it won't suck. Everything else does.

ANA Y2 D39

I don't know where to begin. I am still struggling beyond comprehension. I am able to smile and move forward in society but I am not doing well on the inside. It's a struggle to get out of bed. I am forcing myself to eat. But I have to keep going. I have to.

ANA Y2 D38

I'm okay. I just slept in. We were up until past 1am so I needed the sleep. I have to clean the house today. Going away for my birthday. Going to cherry festival. Maybe it will make me smile. Three days until my birthday. 

ANA Y2 D37

I have to keep going. I keep going for her. The way she looks at me, the way she believes in me. I can't let her down. She inspires me to do this yet again another day. Without her I wouldn't make it. It may sound childish or cliche but it's true. We all need something to hold on to in this world and she has become my pillar. The one person I don't want to leave. The light I can turn to when it gets so dark around me. I will fight. I will survive if for no other reason than to not see her sad.

I struggled yesterday to stay afloat. The walls felt closer, but there she was. Her smile. Her touch. Her telling me we will make it. Not me, we. We will get through this period somehow, someway. We will get through it together. I have a partner. I have someone who is truly standing by me and not running or asking me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone.

It's going to be hard, but I will make it one way or another.

ANA Y2 D36

I am forcing smiles and joy. No amount of forcing will stop the pain in my head. I can't keep this up much longer. Everyone thinks I am okay but I am slowing slipping into a bad place. I am so far underwater I can't tell up from down. But I must keep the mask on. Must make everyone think I am okay.

ANA Y2 D35

This thing is being dumb. Sometimes it does that.

I hate when this interface fucks up. You'd think after 13 years of writing in here I'd be used to it, but I'm not. 

Anyway. Taught. Went out. Had therapy. All in a different order than that. Have a headache right now due to pressure. Have to take C for her hair appointment in two hours.