Y4 D190

Oh dear god it is STILL November. Will this fucking month end already? Seriously. Will this YEAR end already? Can this life end already?

Ugh.

I am starting to look like a hobo with a shotgun. I haven't really left the house for more then five or ten minutes (grocery store runs) in like a week. I haven't bothered to shave, living in pajama pants, etc. At least I am showering.

Did two seminars yesterday and got prepped for next week's classes. Which I am doing from home. Which means I don't have to leave the house again if I don't want to. Will he shave? The million dollar question...

Played Diablo. Watched all of the Lizzie Bennet diaries. I am now caught up thank you very much. If you haven't watched them, do so. It's a retelling of Pride and Prejudice through the use of modern technology. Fun web series. Go to youtube. It's out there. 68 episodes so far.

The kid had a date again with the guy from the other night. They had fondue. Me? I had potato salad. Yep.

I need kleenex boxes. And to only start trusting mormons...

Y4 D189

It's still fucking November? I mean seriously how long is this fucking month? It feels like it will never end for crying out loud. It just keeps going and going. Ugh.

I slept on the couch last night. I couldn't sleep. I went to bed around 10, laid there until 11, got up, tried again, ended up around midnight just sitting on the couch, finally fell asleep around 2 only to wake up at 6. Don't know why the bad sleeping is back.

Didn't do much yesterday. Have a training next week that I am starting to get ready for. I am NOT looking forward to it already because it looks like another one of those where I have way too many non-english speaking persons who are going to be attending. I hate that shit. They tend to be needy, rude, and arrogant.

Did talk to my boss yesterday. He was very pleased with the work I did on the new training manual. He wants me to add some more which I will do today. Busy work a little bit but whatever.

Didn't put on pants yet again. Made beanie weenies for dinner. FINALLY watched the last episode of X-Files. 202 episodes done! One thing we both laughed at was in the episode they tell of the 'final' alien invasion date - 12/22/2012. Gee sound familiar? So the world isn't ending, we are just going to be attacked by aliens. Cool. I can handle that.

Y4 D188

The kid had a gentleman caller last evening. They watched Blade Runner together. I like this guy much better than her last one but she is afraid to move forward with him until she hears back from Disney. I get that. Because if she is accepted she could be off to Florida. It's too bad because he is a really nice guy. Not to mention he isn't on cast which gives him major points regardless.

I spent the whole day working on my new training materials. Of course I haven't heard a damn thing back from the five people I sent it to yesterday. Ass wipes. Even just a 'hey, didn't look it over yet, but thanks for doing this' would have been nice. Nope. Nothing. Took me all day to develop and nada in return.

Whatever.

I did get worked lined up for next week at least. Four days of training. Downside is that it's from 5am each day. Oh well. I can handle it. My day will be done by 1:30 every day next week. Even if I have to get up at 3:30 every day it's worth it.

That was about it for yesterday. Bought a bottle of Mansithe absinthe at the store last night. Not bad. Made for a decent death in the afternoon. Not the best absinthe I have had, but still pretty darn tasty. I only had one. I was a good boy. Shared a libation with the gentleman caller.

Today is open so far. I might continue to work on the training guide to see what else I can add. It's a little over a half day right now so if I can add a couple more topics I can make it a full day and we can sell it as an advanced class. I just need to come up with a couple more things. I have one in mind already which will give me something to focus on today.

In other news, I am really fucking lonely.

Y4 D187

I went to bed early last night because I was tired. Plus I was bored. I don't know if you have noticed, but I haven't been going out at night anymore. Just not up to it. Not into sitting at a bar feeling sorry for myself. I can do that just as easily at home and save money. Christmas is coming. Anyway, went to bed early and had the worst fucking nightmare. It was a combination of every horror and sci-fi thing in my head apparently. I was driving around Vegas with someone who was supposed to be my partner and we were trying to 'reboot' Vegas. I don't know what that meant. But we had to reset everything because it was all going to shit. Power was out, things were going crazy, etc. We got to the local police station where things were hectic and the deputy was leaving for the day and the sheriff was out. That's when we saw all the computers in the parking lot setup like a black cross and playing just random evil shit. My partner wouldn't acknowledge something odd was going on and got pissed at me. The deputy asked where I was from and I told her I worked on the X-Files. Yeah. So the partner storms off and I go to my car which conveniently was a black impala (see?) and also conveniently in the parking lot. That's when Slenderman appeared in front of me and sliced through the top of the car and was trying to scoop my brains out. Nice huh? I woke up at that point. So there you have it - six different sci-fi horror things shoved into one dream. Analyze that.

I worked all day on a new presentation. Almost done with it and I think it will buy me some good will. It's timely, adds a half day to one of our classes, and is something good for me to know. I should be done with that today.

I did get some good news yesterday which of course turned into shit. I got selected by Disneyland to attend one of the nights of the Annual Candlelit Christmas procession narrated by Molly Ringwald. AWESOME except it's on a Tuesday. I can adjust my schedule, but apparently no one else can. No one is interested or available to go with me. Fuck it. I am going alone. Just like everything else in my life, I will do it alone. Get good news, find out no one gives a shit about you enough to change their plans. Whatever.

Y4 D186

Did absolutely nothing yesterday. Didn't leave the house once. Spent the whole day in yoga pants and a hoodie. Yep, captain lazy. I have no regrets or complaints about it either. I really don't have much to say here today because I seriously didn't do a fucking thing yesterday. I played Diablo, watched some TV, straightened up the house, and that was it. Nobody called me, nobody texted, and the kid worked most of the morning. She had homework to do - a lot of it - and when she got home she locked herself away. That was the extent of things.

This week is looking pretty light which may be a problem.

Y4 D185

I'm still alive and functional. Can't seem to type though this morning. It took me way too long to type these last few sentences. Not hungover though. Didn't drink yesterday at the show. First show in weeks. It was kind of odd. Back like when I first started doing cast. Mellow, relaxed, no drama. Kind of nice. Did the show came home went to bed. The way it should be.

As for the rest of the day - kid got up late but still made it to work on time. They overestimated the number of people needed yesterday and while she was supposed to work from 7-3 they sent her home at 10. Her store did really well Friday and I guess they were hoping for a repeat over the weekend that didn't come. I think the problem is that Thanksgiving was so early this year and there was so much hype about stores being open even earlier and having 'good deals' that people weren't already burnt out. It's too bad and a poor business decision on the part of the companies to try and get everyone excited too soon. Honestly we are still a month out from Christmas and already my interest is waning. I don't know how they can sustain it. Regardless, she came home early which was good because I was in a funk in the morning and didn't want to sit in the house otherwise I was going to go nuts. Luckily she was home by 11 and we went out to run errands.

Did do a little Christmas shopping. Nothing major. Just some small presents under the tree. I am waiting for all my Amazon gift cards to come through this week to do the real shopping. I have about $400 in gift cards this year total. So far $190 of them have come through. As soon as the rest get here I will be doing some ordering. I am hoping this week. But then again I have to remind myself we are still a month out. It's not that big of a deal.

Got home around 3 and we just hung out. Her boy toy came over around 4 and we ordered pizza. Watched bad tv shows on Netflix then headed out to do the show.

All in all, what started off as a really fucked up day mentally finished off not too shabby. Let's see if I can sustain that attitude.

Y4 D184

I watched the most fucked up movie last night. Really bad movie to watch if you are a white male in his 40s unhappy with his life. Trust me. It's called I Melt With You. It's about 4 guys all 44 who meet up in Monterey for their annual catching up party. Disillusionment, pain, suffering, realizing you aren't who you were supposed to be, etc. All those things that every guy my age either deals with or buries down until it kills them. Watch this movie but only if you're ready to face the topics it brings up. The on guy who managed to write one book but now teaches English; the doctor whose son calls his stepdad "Dad" and spends most days higher than a kite; the stockbroker who is facing embezzlement charges; the guilty guy who caused the car accident that killed his lovers. Yeah. Real happy stuff. Very real. Very touching. Very fucked up. And I watched it alone.

Thought about my brother a lot yesterday too. Thought about too many things.

The kid worked from 4am to noon. She got home around 1. She was exhausted but we went out for some food. We also stopped at the paint store. I think I am going to finally paint my bedroom. At least now I have colors decided. That's a huge step in the right direction.

I did do the right thing yesterday morning. SG wanted to come over early and fuck. I told her no. Not because I didn't want to. Not because I wasn't alone. But because it's wrong. It really is. Not her age or anything stupid like that - no, because despite whatever rules they have in their relationship, she is still a married woman and it isn't right. So I said no. I was a good boy.

Meh, that's about it. Count the bodies like sheep...

Y4 D183

Today is the two year anniversary of my brother's death. I was getting hung up last year on 'it was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving' and not paying attention to the actual date. I started to do the same thing this year and realized, no wait, it was the 23rd. So here it is. Yay. Whee. Fuck it. I miss you brother. I don't miss your bitch ass wife or the shit she did sometimes to you, but I miss you.

The kid has been at work since 4. Poor kid.

I went to my friend's house for Thanksgiving yesterday. I was planning on being broody and mopey. Instead I had fun and got home at 1:30am. I am also sure my mouth ran over time but I can only remember half of it. Good?

And I am not an alcoholic, I am an advanced drinker. Yeah. Sure.

We went through a bottle of wine, ok, *I* went through a bottle of wine. Then between three of us two bottles of vodka. In about 8 hours. But you know what? I had fun and that's all that matters at the end of the day. I asked the kid earlier in the day 'what did I do last year?' and her answer was 'mope'. So fine, I didn't mope. Happy?

God I have a hangover.

Y4 D182

blah blah blah work.

blah blah blah stayed at home

blah blah blah kid went to work

blah blah blah went to bed.

That's my life in a nutshell.

Happy fucking thanksgiving.

Y4 D181

I hate winter. It's all cold and shit. And raining. Rain is so damn depressing. Right now I am smiling on the outside but not so much underneath. Under the surface I am a ball of insanity. I am trying to sleep but my dreams are plotting against me. They show me things I don't want to see, people I don't want to see, etc. It's all a damn plot to push me further into the abyss.

I did decide yesterday that if I were to kill myself I would do it at Disneyland. Not in the park mind you, but on Harbor Boulevard. I would spend the day in the park then let one of the busses hit me on the way out. Those are really big busses. They would squish me flat. I figure I should be at the one place that makes me truly happy one last time and then let it kill me. The irony alone would be worth it.  Because yes, these are the things I think about.

Processed a shit ton of videos yesterday and cleaned house on folders. I discovered I am missing some stuff but it's all good. This is more my OCD kicking in that I don't like having holes in the collection. If I am going to have something, I need the whole thing. Stupid yes, but hey have you met me?

Did some scoping on a client project. Have to finish that today with a two hour conference call with the client to ask some specific questions. I think the project is less complicated than they do but I need to verify some stuff to make sure.

SG hit the road at like 6 last night. 9 hour drive by herself. I am hoping she made it safe. She was about 6 hours out at 10 pm. I worry. Hell I would worry about any of my friends making that long of a drive through mountains and ice by themselves. I worry, it's what I do.

I have another friend who has been in the hospital. I have been a horrible friend by not seeing how she is doing. I need to remedy that today. I need to make sure she is doing okay as well. Hopefully all is good.

I got wrapping paper last night and the ingredients to make mac and cheese for tomorrow's dinner. I really don't want to go. But I will and I will put on a big smile and act like I care.

Guess what today is. It's the two year anniversary of my brother's death. Whee. How time flies when you aren't looking.