Hello.
I am back amongst the living it seems. Whatever ailed me is on the wane. I am functional once more. Didn't hurt that I went to bed at 8:30 last night. I needed to let my body fully recuperate. I had a long week and weekend of up and down.
Yesterday was fun. I can't wait for this movie to be through post-production and get to see the results of my work. There will be one scene in particular that I think will be great for the audience but more so for me because I will know that I am standing no more than a foot away from the actors stuck in a tiny little corner with a boom microphone and twenty pounds of sound equipment.
We shot all day yesterday in a candy store which was a trip. We got there at 6am and the first thing we had to do was dress the set so that it looked like a 1950s shoppe versus a modern day store. We had to tear down all the sings, hide the candy that didn't exist 50 years ago, light the set, etc. I actually got a lot of pleasure out of doing this. It was a long day of shooting and re-shooting the same thing over and over but it definitely was satisfying. The best part was at the end of shooting we all got to have ice cream. Technically I had a milkshake, but damn it was good.
Got home around 4 and had time to just relax. My house is still a mess and there are things to be done, but I was just too darn tired. I ended up watching a documentary instead. No, I didn't watch the Oscars. Sorry, I just don't care about them. I know some people say it's not about the show and it's more like Superbowl where they go just for the party, but meh. I still don't get it. Maybe it's because in the past when I have watched, I have been disappointed that the few movies I saw which were nominated don't win or the movies I enjoyed in a given year had no chance of ever winning anything. Either way, I watched a documentary and went to bed.
The documentary I watched is what I really want to discuss. You see, it was a BBC one on Real Dolls. You know those life like dolls that cost upwards of $5,000. It was about the men who buy them and the relationships they have. Most people don't understand how someone can have an actual relationship with something that isn't real. Well to these guys, they are real. They are more real than the relationships they have with other human beings. I can relate to that in some respects. Everyone thinks that it's just about having a doll for sex, but the truth is, it's about companionship. It's about coming home at night to a house where it doesn't feel quite so empty. One guy describes it perfectly -- there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I can so relate to that. I don't think I have reached the state where I would drop $5,000 (well actually $6,400 the options I would want; yes, I priced one out) for a non-human companion like that, but I can relate to where these guys are coming from mentally. These are men who for one reason or another have had a challenging time finding human companions. It's not so easy people. You try and try, yet you seem to always find yourself alone at the end of the day and that gets depressing. Real depressing. I do feel for these men, but I can also understand them too.
Off to my client. I need to put in a long week at work this week because of the debacle that was last week. I hope to be able to make up for some lost time. Other than that I plan to stay in and be good physically and financially.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Y2 D277
Finally started to feel 'normal' yesterday. But here it is 4:39am and I just got home AND I have to be on location for a shoot in one hour. We are supposed to be done at 3. I really hope so because I want to take one more dose of meds before working this week.
Didn't get much done yesterday unfortunately. Ran a few errands, but nothing significant. Mostly it was about resting because I knew I had a show to do and that I wouldn't be sleeping. The show went as well as could be expected given the low amount of people we had working. We only had three on tech checked in and that makes for a tough show. We had one serious accident with a large prop on one of the actor's ankle. I have to check in with him later to see how he is doing.
Overall, it was an okay performance. A lot of folks including our director were sick which made for less than stellar performances all around. The audience was bigger than I expected given the weather, but still not a full house. Summer time we will sell out shows again. Just need to get through the winter.
Let's see...
Nope. Can't really think of anything else of any importance that happened yesterday. I did talk with a friend in the morning that I hadn't spoken with in a while. We caught up on stuff, but nothing earth shattering. Talked to the kid. She was staying in for the night as she was tired.
Yep. That's about it.
Didn't get much done yesterday unfortunately. Ran a few errands, but nothing significant. Mostly it was about resting because I knew I had a show to do and that I wouldn't be sleeping. The show went as well as could be expected given the low amount of people we had working. We only had three on tech checked in and that makes for a tough show. We had one serious accident with a large prop on one of the actor's ankle. I have to check in with him later to see how he is doing.
Overall, it was an okay performance. A lot of folks including our director were sick which made for less than stellar performances all around. The audience was bigger than I expected given the weather, but still not a full house. Summer time we will sell out shows again. Just need to get through the winter.
Let's see...
Nope. Can't really think of anything else of any importance that happened yesterday. I did talk with a friend in the morning that I hadn't spoken with in a while. We caught up on stuff, but nothing earth shattering. Talked to the kid. She was staying in for the night as she was tired.
Yep. That's about it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Y2 D276
Holy crap I am alive. The last 24 hours were insane. I am nowhere near 100% but I am certainly a lot more functional than I have been in the last 36-48 hours that's for sure. Yesterday was spent in a drug and rockstar induced stupor. Weird how I was completely out of my gourd yesterday but for once it was on all things legal. Yet, I still apparently did some strange ass shit. Thank goodness for electronics to capture and preserve all of the moments when you need to piece them back together.
Let's start with what happened at 10:30 last night. Always the savior I be... I had just taken another dose of cold medicine and climbed into bed when my phone made a noise saying I had a text. Very few people text me on a Friday after 10pm which is why I got up to see who it was. It was a friend of mine from cast. She is one of my 'pie partners' that I have pie with after shows. Her boyfriend dumped her completely out of the blue and via text no less. She was a mess. Once again the White Knight swooped in. I got dressed, picked her up and took her for pie. It's what I do. I hope she is feeling better this morning.
That's about the only 100% clear part of yesterday. You see, somewhere between getting up and drinking what appears to be at least 8 Rockstars and four doses of NyQuil caplets (based on empty containers), I cooked cornish game hens, made mac and cheese, collard greens, strawberry bread, took pictures of it all, re-arranged the dining room and part of the front room, invited people over for dinner, and sent a couple of random texts. Wow. I am pretty blank on most of that. Honestly. I do remember waking up on the couch once, and once on the floor in what would appear to be a kitty spot. I figure I laid down with the cat on the floor and just passed out. Oh and it looks like I made a CD for a friend too. She had asked me to do it by tonight's show, and well look at me.
These are the times I don't like living alone. From my log files it looks like I asked a couple of you to check in on me this morning to make sure I was still alive. Yep. I am. Go about your regular business. Like I said, I am still not 100% and plan on sleeping before the show tonight to make sure I make it through. Another dose of cold medicine and four more rockstars should cover that...
Let's start with what happened at 10:30 last night. Always the savior I be... I had just taken another dose of cold medicine and climbed into bed when my phone made a noise saying I had a text. Very few people text me on a Friday after 10pm which is why I got up to see who it was. It was a friend of mine from cast. She is one of my 'pie partners' that I have pie with after shows. Her boyfriend dumped her completely out of the blue and via text no less. She was a mess. Once again the White Knight swooped in. I got dressed, picked her up and took her for pie. It's what I do. I hope she is feeling better this morning.
That's about the only 100% clear part of yesterday. You see, somewhere between getting up and drinking what appears to be at least 8 Rockstars and four doses of NyQuil caplets (based on empty containers), I cooked cornish game hens, made mac and cheese, collard greens, strawberry bread, took pictures of it all, re-arranged the dining room and part of the front room, invited people over for dinner, and sent a couple of random texts. Wow. I am pretty blank on most of that. Honestly. I do remember waking up on the couch once, and once on the floor in what would appear to be a kitty spot. I figure I laid down with the cat on the floor and just passed out. Oh and it looks like I made a CD for a friend too. She had asked me to do it by tonight's show, and well look at me.
These are the times I don't like living alone. From my log files it looks like I asked a couple of you to check in on me this morning to make sure I was still alive. Yep. I am. Go about your regular business. Like I said, I am still not 100% and plan on sleeping before the show tonight to make sure I make it through. Another dose of cold medicine and four more rockstars should cover that...
Friday, February 25, 2011
Y2 D275
Ran a fever of 102-103 most of yesterday. I was up and down in a bit of a hallucinogenic state most of the day. Couldn't focus, couldn't figure out what I was doing. Was sucking down Nyquil faster than Rockstar. I left the house but once and that was to get wood for the fireplace and more drugs. Funny thing, I went to the po' people grocery store yesterday and I guess the last Thursday of the month is Senior Day and they get 10% off. The woman at the counter wasn't paying attention since there were seniors before and after me so she ended up giving me the 10% off too. It only saved me $2.10 but every little bit helps. Sometimes I do love going in that store. For less than $20 I got 4 cans of soup, three cans of vegetables, two rockstars, two logs for the fire, cold medicine, a loaf of bread, and tater tots. I told you, I was spaced out. I was picking up random things basically. I was supposed to do work for the client but I just couldn't keep myself focused. I will send my bosses an email tomorrow depending on how much I get done today letting them know why my hours are so sporadic this week. My fever is down to 99.5 this morning which is good, but I also need to be careful not to push myself too hard today lest it come back en force. My house is a mess because I just have no energy to clean anything. Between trying to focus and passing out on the couch every so often, that was my day yesterday. I did almost start a facebook riot by popping off on the Title X fund reductions. That was fun. I don't feel like going into right now, but suffice to say, changing your status does not nor will it change the government's mind, end child abuse, stop world hunger, etc. I know reality, what a concept...
Going to try and work today. But first, more Nyquil...
Going to try and work today. But first, more Nyquil...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Y2 D274
Before I get into yesterday, I need to rant a bit (yesterday wasn't that exciting so trust me this rant will be worth it).
Sometimes Williams Sonoma drives me nuts. This is a store that preys on impulse and immediate need. Every time they offer something new, I get that 'Oh my goodness, I have to have that!' feeling because they are the kings of marketing. That has resulted in the past in me having things in my kitchen that have been used ONCE for a very specific purpose and then never used again. Take for example my Monkey Bread pan. I was in a WS one day and saw this pan and the way it was being marketed it struck a nerve that made me go all nuts and I had to have it. In the 4 or 5 years since I have had that pan I have used it a whopping total of two times. This isn't the first item from them where that's happened to me. I have a few other things collected over the years where it seemed like I must have it only to realize it was so specialized that it wasn't going to sit from there on out.
Well I have become smarter at this thank goodness. Now when I see something either in store or catalog or online, I flag it, then I study it, then I determine if it would be used multiple times OR if I have something already that does the same thing just not as well marketed.
Case in point -- they are offering a new hamburger press. But they are advertising it as a way to make STUFFED hamburgers. There is this great picture of perfect beef with blue cheese dripping out of the center. It truly is beautiful in the pictures. My first impulse was it's only $12 and it's so cool. But I sat on it for three days. That's when it dawned on me -- it's a hamburger press. It doesn't do anything special. It doesn't even have additional dips for the well for the stuffing. You still have to make the wells yourself. So no, I didn't buy it. Instead if I want to make stuffed burgers, I do them the same way I have been doing them. I use two tupperware containers, half the beef in one, half the beef in the other, well it, stuff it, stick it together. Voila. Same damn thing. $12 saved.
Ok, back to yesterday. I did go out to the client. Who didn't get into the office until almost 10:30. Even his boss was asking me if I had heard from him. He was asking if I had any work to do. I was feeling a bit guilty because the real answer was no. I was twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to show up. Which really sucked ass because I felt like death warmed over. Still do.
Finally had a chance to meet with him around 1. Got an idea of what he wants me to do next. He was supposed to send the details last night, but I am still waiting. I sent an email this morning, let's see what happens. Came home around 2, slept until 6:30. I am feeling a *little* better, but not much. It's moved from my throat into my nose today. I went to bed at 9 last night and got up around 6:30 this morning. I will probably take some more Nyquil and sleep all day.
At this point it looks like I will be working this weekend to make up for being sick this week. Joy...
Sometimes Williams Sonoma drives me nuts. This is a store that preys on impulse and immediate need. Every time they offer something new, I get that 'Oh my goodness, I have to have that!' feeling because they are the kings of marketing. That has resulted in the past in me having things in my kitchen that have been used ONCE for a very specific purpose and then never used again. Take for example my Monkey Bread pan. I was in a WS one day and saw this pan and the way it was being marketed it struck a nerve that made me go all nuts and I had to have it. In the 4 or 5 years since I have had that pan I have used it a whopping total of two times. This isn't the first item from them where that's happened to me. I have a few other things collected over the years where it seemed like I must have it only to realize it was so specialized that it wasn't going to sit from there on out.
Well I have become smarter at this thank goodness. Now when I see something either in store or catalog or online, I flag it, then I study it, then I determine if it would be used multiple times OR if I have something already that does the same thing just not as well marketed.
Case in point -- they are offering a new hamburger press. But they are advertising it as a way to make STUFFED hamburgers. There is this great picture of perfect beef with blue cheese dripping out of the center. It truly is beautiful in the pictures. My first impulse was it's only $12 and it's so cool. But I sat on it for three days. That's when it dawned on me -- it's a hamburger press. It doesn't do anything special. It doesn't even have additional dips for the well for the stuffing. You still have to make the wells yourself. So no, I didn't buy it. Instead if I want to make stuffed burgers, I do them the same way I have been doing them. I use two tupperware containers, half the beef in one, half the beef in the other, well it, stuff it, stick it together. Voila. Same damn thing. $12 saved.
Ok, back to yesterday. I did go out to the client. Who didn't get into the office until almost 10:30. Even his boss was asking me if I had heard from him. He was asking if I had any work to do. I was feeling a bit guilty because the real answer was no. I was twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to show up. Which really sucked ass because I felt like death warmed over. Still do.
Finally had a chance to meet with him around 1. Got an idea of what he wants me to do next. He was supposed to send the details last night, but I am still waiting. I sent an email this morning, let's see what happens. Came home around 2, slept until 6:30. I am feeling a *little* better, but not much. It's moved from my throat into my nose today. I went to bed at 9 last night and got up around 6:30 this morning. I will probably take some more Nyquil and sleep all day.
At this point it looks like I will be working this weekend to make up for being sick this week. Joy...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Y2 D273
Spent the day sick yesterday. Lived on Nyquil for the majority of the day. Still not 100% but I have to go into the office today. Since I am only there two days this week it would look really bad if I missed even one. My throat hurts, I am achey, tired, etc. Your typical flu/cold type of issue. I don't have much of a runny nose, yet, but the day is still young.
I slept for about 4 hours yesterday during the day then went to bed at 9. Doesn't make for a very exciting day. I did do one weird thing while high on the Nyquil. I was watching Always Sunny just because and decided to build my very own rat stick. A baseball bat wrapped in chain link with nails. Yeah, I know. It was one of those things. The meds make me do odd things...
Ate soup for dinner because I wanted soup. Given that I am sick it explains why I have been wanting to eat so much the last couple of days. Of course now I feel fat and bloated. I hope this passes quickly.
I did realize that yesterday marks five months since I have had any kind of intimate contact with another human being. Yay me? Nothing like being alone and depressed for five full months.
I slept for about 4 hours yesterday during the day then went to bed at 9. Doesn't make for a very exciting day. I did do one weird thing while high on the Nyquil. I was watching Always Sunny just because and decided to build my very own rat stick. A baseball bat wrapped in chain link with nails. Yeah, I know. It was one of those things. The meds make me do odd things...
Ate soup for dinner because I wanted soup. Given that I am sick it explains why I have been wanting to eat so much the last couple of days. Of course now I feel fat and bloated. I hope this passes quickly.
I did realize that yesterday marks five months since I have had any kind of intimate contact with another human being. Yay me? Nothing like being alone and depressed for five full months.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Y2 D272
I was thinking about relationships yesterday. Not for any particular reason, it just kind of popped into my head. I was thinking about how people think marriage and relationships are 'forever'. I am really starting to believe that the concept is a fallacy these days. Up until fairly modern times, the average lifespan historically was a lot lower than most of us realize. It's only been in the last couple of centuries where it has exceeded 40-50 on average. Back then when people talked about being married forever, that was 20 - 25 years. I can remember being a kid and when someone had a 25th or the even more rare 50th wedding anniversary part of it was not just that they had been married for so long, but that they were still alive.
If you think in those terms and try to adapt to today's life expectancy, realistically someone should be married two if not three times in their life. If you start at 20, and you are living to be 80, that's 60 years and at 20 years per relationship, pretty damn good if you ask me. Does this make me a cynic? I don't think so. I think it makes me a realist. People's needs and desires change over the course of time. If you're lucky to find someone who can grow and change with you, then fantastic. Maybe you will get 30-35 years out of the relationship. It also means you would still probably be married at least twice during your lifespan.
If people went into relationships with this kind of attitude, I think you would see a lot less messy divorces. In many of Heinlein's books, if a couple want to be together they sign a marriage contract. Usually 10 years and at the end both parties have the option of renewing or parting as friends. No jealousy, no issues. Each lists what they came into the relationship with, each leaves with the same.
Again, not being a cynic but practical. If you tell me that what you needed emotional, mentally, and physically are the same at 40 as they were at 20, I will call you a liar. I know for a fact that I have different needs now than 20 years ago. It's called growing as a human. Just something to think about...
In other news, I feel a cold coming on today. My throat is scratchy and I have snot balls. Sucks. I stayed in the house for the most part yesterday and with the exception of a lunch with a friend, doing the same today. Nothing really exciting happened yesterday. Oh the kid went home. She did send me a text mid-morning telling me how she felt the entire weekend was a waste and she was more stressed than relaxed from it. She is becoming quite a young adult. I am proud of her at every turn.
Time to try and kill this cold. Rockstar HO!
If you think in those terms and try to adapt to today's life expectancy, realistically someone should be married two if not three times in their life. If you start at 20, and you are living to be 80, that's 60 years and at 20 years per relationship, pretty damn good if you ask me. Does this make me a cynic? I don't think so. I think it makes me a realist. People's needs and desires change over the course of time. If you're lucky to find someone who can grow and change with you, then fantastic. Maybe you will get 30-35 years out of the relationship. It also means you would still probably be married at least twice during your lifespan.
If people went into relationships with this kind of attitude, I think you would see a lot less messy divorces. In many of Heinlein's books, if a couple want to be together they sign a marriage contract. Usually 10 years and at the end both parties have the option of renewing or parting as friends. No jealousy, no issues. Each lists what they came into the relationship with, each leaves with the same.
Again, not being a cynic but practical. If you tell me that what you needed emotional, mentally, and physically are the same at 40 as they were at 20, I will call you a liar. I know for a fact that I have different needs now than 20 years ago. It's called growing as a human. Just something to think about...
In other news, I feel a cold coming on today. My throat is scratchy and I have snot balls. Sucks. I stayed in the house for the most part yesterday and with the exception of a lunch with a friend, doing the same today. Nothing really exciting happened yesterday. Oh the kid went home. She did send me a text mid-morning telling me how she felt the entire weekend was a waste and she was more stressed than relaxed from it. She is becoming quite a young adult. I am proud of her at every turn.
Time to try and kill this cold. Rockstar HO!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Y2 D271
Ok, I promised you more details on the movie and today you get them. One of my friends on cast her husband is an honest to goodness film maker. He has done a number of short films over the years and is doing his first full length feature film. He has been shooting and editing for about six months and is pretty close to being done. He needed some assistance doing sound and lighting and from the recommendation of his wife, asked me to help out. I agreed and spent yesterday on set. There will be at least 5 more weekends of shooting I will help out with over the next month and a half. In the end, I will be listed in the actual credits and on IMDB as production crew. It's kind of cool. I will be able to honestly say I have worked in film and theater and have the credits to prove it! The first thing they did yesterday was have me sign a contract and then wrote me a $1.00 check to show I had been 'paid' to work on the movie.
I arrived on set yesterday at 8am. Once all the crew got there we went over what I would be doing that day. We were shooting two indoor scenes from multiple angles. I was assigned the boom mic for the day. My job was to hold the mic in the correct spot based on the scene direction as it was being filmed. You'd think the mic would be on the person speaking, but not necessarily. It depends on the focus of the camera for the scene. For example, we filmed the scene from wide, from over the shoulder of the main character, from the side of actor 1, from the side of actor 2, etc. Each time the sound direction was different to establish focus of where it was coming from in the scene. I had the headphones on, the sound pack strapped to me, was checking levels, etc. The best part was when I got to stop filming because of background noise. We were filming near an airport and because of weather we believe they were re-routing some take off and landing patterns. That meant that every so often a small plane would be in the background and I would flag the director and we would stop filming. With the sound gear on, I was listening to things at about 7 or 8 times a louder scale than everyone else in the room. A couple of times I was the only one hearing things because of the sensitivity of the microphone. I even had to ask for quiet from the actors while I determined if a background train sound was completely gone.
We shot for about 8 hours with only two small breaks and lunch. We had a lunch spread set out for us and there had been breakfast ready when we arrived. At first when I was asked to do this, I honestly didn't know what to expect because so many people call themselves 'film makers' and yeah, right. But this was the real thing. From makeup artists on set, to the catering, to the filming, to even at the end of the day we had to stage a couple of pictures for the press junket. If they get used, I might even end up in the press packets.
His goal is to finish filming in the next two months, then finish editing by middle to end of summer. He will premiere later this year locally, then work on getting it accepted to 2012 film festivals. If it gets picked up, you would see it in theaters late 2012 probably.
They say that people have 2-3 careers in their lifetime. Given all the photography stuff I have done in the past, the theater work for the last six months, and now film? Maybe this is the direction my life is going. Perhaps this is what lies down the path for me...
In other news, on the way home I grabbed the kid for a few hours. She and I went to dinner where she regaled me with her adventures for the day. X1 dragged her and the other two kids to the city for the day which turned into a grand old adventure. The poor kid was frustrated and annoyed. She was very thankful that I picked her up even if it was only for a few hours.
Today I am working from home again. Only have a little to do, but it will be nice to actually not leave the house instead of frustrating.
I arrived on set yesterday at 8am. Once all the crew got there we went over what I would be doing that day. We were shooting two indoor scenes from multiple angles. I was assigned the boom mic for the day. My job was to hold the mic in the correct spot based on the scene direction as it was being filmed. You'd think the mic would be on the person speaking, but not necessarily. It depends on the focus of the camera for the scene. For example, we filmed the scene from wide, from over the shoulder of the main character, from the side of actor 1, from the side of actor 2, etc. Each time the sound direction was different to establish focus of where it was coming from in the scene. I had the headphones on, the sound pack strapped to me, was checking levels, etc. The best part was when I got to stop filming because of background noise. We were filming near an airport and because of weather we believe they were re-routing some take off and landing patterns. That meant that every so often a small plane would be in the background and I would flag the director and we would stop filming. With the sound gear on, I was listening to things at about 7 or 8 times a louder scale than everyone else in the room. A couple of times I was the only one hearing things because of the sensitivity of the microphone. I even had to ask for quiet from the actors while I determined if a background train sound was completely gone.
We shot for about 8 hours with only two small breaks and lunch. We had a lunch spread set out for us and there had been breakfast ready when we arrived. At first when I was asked to do this, I honestly didn't know what to expect because so many people call themselves 'film makers' and yeah, right. But this was the real thing. From makeup artists on set, to the catering, to the filming, to even at the end of the day we had to stage a couple of pictures for the press junket. If they get used, I might even end up in the press packets.
His goal is to finish filming in the next two months, then finish editing by middle to end of summer. He will premiere later this year locally, then work on getting it accepted to 2012 film festivals. If it gets picked up, you would see it in theaters late 2012 probably.
They say that people have 2-3 careers in their lifetime. Given all the photography stuff I have done in the past, the theater work for the last six months, and now film? Maybe this is the direction my life is going. Perhaps this is what lies down the path for me...
In other news, on the way home I grabbed the kid for a few hours. She and I went to dinner where she regaled me with her adventures for the day. X1 dragged her and the other two kids to the city for the day which turned into a grand old adventure. The poor kid was frustrated and annoyed. She was very thankful that I picked her up even if it was only for a few hours.
Today I am working from home again. Only have a little to do, but it will be nice to actually not leave the house instead of frustrating.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Y2 D270
6am on a Sunday. I didn't get home until 5. Long ass show followed by mass pie and fun. Haven't slept and not going to. Have to head out to help work on a movie set. Yes, a real movie. More about that tomorrow after it happens.
Didn't do much of anything during the day as I needed to keep my energy up for the night. Hung around the house, did some cleaning, watched a little TV. I did see the kid briefly for like 15 minutes. Her mother drove up here with all the kids for the 'holiday' weekend. They didn't get here until 4 and they are leaving first thing Monday morning. I am staying out of the way mostly to not have to deal with X1, but I also get that this trip is more about the kids being with Grandma. Fair enough.
So last night we all dressed up. I had a professional makeup appointment at 5. It went until a little after 7. I drove with the other tech guy in the prop van and he was floored when he saw me. He couldn't believe it was me. I looked damn good if I do say so myself. When we got to the theater, nobody knew it was me until I started talking. I actually felt on top of the world all night with all the compliments. Made me feel good about myself, even if it was dressed as a woman.
The show was insane because of the last minute theater change, but the audience was great which helped us all roll with it. We, including our directors, took everything in stride. I ended up with a piece of glass in my ass from a broken light bulb for most of the show, but them's the licks when you do theater work I guess.
All in all, a good day that ended well. I wished I had some time to sleep a little but I don't have to drive on Monday and will just go to bed early hopefully tonight.
Didn't do much of anything during the day as I needed to keep my energy up for the night. Hung around the house, did some cleaning, watched a little TV. I did see the kid briefly for like 15 minutes. Her mother drove up here with all the kids for the 'holiday' weekend. They didn't get here until 4 and they are leaving first thing Monday morning. I am staying out of the way mostly to not have to deal with X1, but I also get that this trip is more about the kids being with Grandma. Fair enough.
So last night we all dressed up. I had a professional makeup appointment at 5. It went until a little after 7. I drove with the other tech guy in the prop van and he was floored when he saw me. He couldn't believe it was me. I looked damn good if I do say so myself. When we got to the theater, nobody knew it was me until I started talking. I actually felt on top of the world all night with all the compliments. Made me feel good about myself, even if it was dressed as a woman.
The show was insane because of the last minute theater change, but the audience was great which helped us all roll with it. We, including our directors, took everything in stride. I ended up with a piece of glass in my ass from a broken light bulb for most of the show, but them's the licks when you do theater work I guess.
All in all, a good day that ended well. I wished I had some time to sleep a little but I don't have to drive on Monday and will just go to bed early hopefully tonight.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Y2 D269
Last night was one of those nights where I am honestly glad I live and sleep alone. It was so cold (honestly, the temperature was in the low 30s) and I just wrapped all the blankets and pillows around me like a little fort. I didn't have to share them with anyone. I was a snug little bug in a rug.
Long day yesterday. Worked from home and really didn't accomplish much for the client. I had too many questions and he didn't give me enough direction before disappearing for 4 days. He is completely unavailable so I couldn't even send an email and expect a response. I sat through a 2 hour webinar which was boring and interesting at the same time. I could have had the meat of the presentation in 30 minutes versus 2 hours, but it was work time.
During all this, I was getting texts and emails from my director. It has been raining like hell here the last few days. The mountains nearby have had 7 feet of powder in three days and we have ended up with 11 inches of rain in the same time period. That was after 13 days of nothing. Because of all the rain, the theater where we were scheduled tonight is shut down because of flooding. They moved us to their other theater which meant we had to move all the props at 10pm last night. At first it looked like we might be cancelled then it was a change of venue then cancelled then new venue. It was stressing.
At the same time I was scheduled to have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years who recently moved back to the area. We both admitted during dinner we had some trepidation about the meeting because 10 years is a long time. The good news is we are glad we met up because it seems we have suffered through some similar things over the last few years and found someone we could relate to in that regard. We went and had Japanese which was really good. We both were watching the clock though which made it rough. He had to go back to the office and I had to hit the theater. He moved back to this area to join a new startup. He is employee number 8. I am meeting up with him again on Tuesday to check out the company and have lunch. I haven't been at a real startup in a while. Might be kind of nice if they are interested in having me. Heck, it might even be a nice part time consulting gig.
After we parted ways I went to the theater. Took us about an hour to load all the props in the van, then we got to the replacement theater. Holy shit. No stage, half the floor space, no easy in/out. This is going to be an interesting show to say the least. ON TOP OF THAT, this is our 'tacky horror' show. All the performers are cross-dressed tonight, including tech and security. So all the girl parts are played by guys and vice versa and all of the rest of us will be dressed up. I have a makeup appointment tonight just for this occasion. I actually want to look good for this and didn't feel like trying to do things by myself. Unlike most of the guys on cast, I don't have someone at home who can help me do my makeup.
Bottom line -- we have to do a show in a new theater, with no room, while cross-dressed. This should be a real fun night one way or another...
Long day yesterday. Worked from home and really didn't accomplish much for the client. I had too many questions and he didn't give me enough direction before disappearing for 4 days. He is completely unavailable so I couldn't even send an email and expect a response. I sat through a 2 hour webinar which was boring and interesting at the same time. I could have had the meat of the presentation in 30 minutes versus 2 hours, but it was work time.
During all this, I was getting texts and emails from my director. It has been raining like hell here the last few days. The mountains nearby have had 7 feet of powder in three days and we have ended up with 11 inches of rain in the same time period. That was after 13 days of nothing. Because of all the rain, the theater where we were scheduled tonight is shut down because of flooding. They moved us to their other theater which meant we had to move all the props at 10pm last night. At first it looked like we might be cancelled then it was a change of venue then cancelled then new venue. It was stressing.
At the same time I was scheduled to have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years who recently moved back to the area. We both admitted during dinner we had some trepidation about the meeting because 10 years is a long time. The good news is we are glad we met up because it seems we have suffered through some similar things over the last few years and found someone we could relate to in that regard. We went and had Japanese which was really good. We both were watching the clock though which made it rough. He had to go back to the office and I had to hit the theater. He moved back to this area to join a new startup. He is employee number 8. I am meeting up with him again on Tuesday to check out the company and have lunch. I haven't been at a real startup in a while. Might be kind of nice if they are interested in having me. Heck, it might even be a nice part time consulting gig.
After we parted ways I went to the theater. Took us about an hour to load all the props in the van, then we got to the replacement theater. Holy shit. No stage, half the floor space, no easy in/out. This is going to be an interesting show to say the least. ON TOP OF THAT, this is our 'tacky horror' show. All the performers are cross-dressed tonight, including tech and security. So all the girl parts are played by guys and vice versa and all of the rest of us will be dressed up. I have a makeup appointment tonight just for this occasion. I actually want to look good for this and didn't feel like trying to do things by myself. Unlike most of the guys on cast, I don't have someone at home who can help me do my makeup.
Bottom line -- we have to do a show in a new theater, with no room, while cross-dressed. This should be a real fun night one way or another...
Friday, February 18, 2011
Y2 D268
Sometimes like my buddy suggests you just have to...
SLIDE....
I am trying. Things were a little better yesterday mentally. Not fantastic, but better. I spent the day inside mostly as I worked from home. I did get some things accomplished for my client which were pretty significant, but nothing major. I am doing the same type of stuff today. Funny how it took me 11 clock hours to get 8 hours worth of work done though. Nice thing about the VPN connection is is shows me exactly how long I have been connected to a client's network. Plus it keeps a record on their side. No one can dispute when I enter 8 hours in my time sheet when their logs says I was connected for 11.
The weather was insane yesterday. I am very surprised we didn't lose power given how bad the rain and wind were. Things were blowing all over the place and the trees were swaying like mad. Could be worse, could be in snow. At least with rain when it stops it's mostly gone. No digging out required. During one of the brief respites yesterday I ran to the bank to get money for laundry. Ended up doing laundry at 7pm and wasn't done until 9. But now it's done and out of the way. That means I have nothing of any excitement scheduled for my Friday night.
Another day, some other way...
SLIDE....
I am trying. Things were a little better yesterday mentally. Not fantastic, but better. I spent the day inside mostly as I worked from home. I did get some things accomplished for my client which were pretty significant, but nothing major. I am doing the same type of stuff today. Funny how it took me 11 clock hours to get 8 hours worth of work done though. Nice thing about the VPN connection is is shows me exactly how long I have been connected to a client's network. Plus it keeps a record on their side. No one can dispute when I enter 8 hours in my time sheet when their logs says I was connected for 11.
The weather was insane yesterday. I am very surprised we didn't lose power given how bad the rain and wind were. Things were blowing all over the place and the trees were swaying like mad. Could be worse, could be in snow. At least with rain when it stops it's mostly gone. No digging out required. During one of the brief respites yesterday I ran to the bank to get money for laundry. Ended up doing laundry at 7pm and wasn't done until 9. But now it's done and out of the way. That means I have nothing of any excitement scheduled for my Friday night.
Another day, some other way...
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Y2 D267
I'm better today. Remember my stats about suicide and Valentine's day? It's only fitting that I should mention how Mondays have the highest rate per day of the week. Seems we all feel like shit on Mondays and Tuesday but by Thursday things feel better. What a concept, eh? Death by sarcasm, that's my goal. Worked all day yesterday including a couple of hours from 9-11 last night. I had to work at night because the stuff I am doing for the client was pretty load intensive and we needed to see how performance was without everyone else on the system as well. Including driving time that meant I worked from 6am until 4pm, then from 9pm - 11pm. I don't get to count all of that time unfortunately, but it certainly made it hard to think about anything else.
While I was waiting for things to load and run I started going through the Kindle store in detail. Seems they have HUNDREDS of books available for free from classics to stuff that just didn't sell to old textbooks. Oh and free games too. I ended up getting like 25 more books and 5 games. I am really loving this thing. I honestly can't wait until I am stuck in an airport for 5 hours with nothing to do. I am going to bury my head in my Kindle and never come back out. I am still reading Breakfast of Champions by Vonnegut as it was one of the first books I decided to put on the Kindle. I figured I would get something from an author I knew to see if I liked this thing or not. I do now see in some respects the allure of a tablet, but the one I want is Motorola Xoom and pricing was just announced yesterday - $800. Um, bite me? Let's see $140 versus $800. Hmmm... Yeah, no Xoom for me in the immediate future. That's the 4g version, I think the wireless only will be slightly less, like $600, but that's still not in my range right now. Nor will it be for a while. Too bad as they will have a Kindle app for it which means I could merge things. Of course, it's bigger, heavier, etc. The Kindle has a browser app built in, I should test it today to see if I can connect to email with it. If I can, then why do I need a tablet? If I can use it with Google docs then what's missing? It plays music too, granted it doesn't do video, but I am not a big video on a device kind of person anyway.
Speaking of video, while I was doing my timing tests last night, finished up season three of Eureka. 10 episodes left to watch in season 3.5 and I will be almost current. Like most shows of it's nature, it's kind of flat after 30 or so episodes. I am hoping these remaining 10 are better.
Made Joe's special last night for dinner. Still feeling fat though. I tried to not eat any carbs, but for dessert I had a piece of toast with honey. I know I don't need the bread, it just tasted good. I have too much crap food in the house right now because I haven't gone to the grocery store. I am holding on tight on money since it's almost payday and I am on the wire. I am late on one credit card bill and my cell phone by a day right now. I am going to stay up until midnight tonight to see when my paycheck posts so I can pay them and only be 25 hours late. Hopefully they won't ding me late charges.
Still raining. It actually hailed here yesterday during the day. I was too far away to see it, but the rain was bad where I was. Hydroplaned a little bit on the way to work in the morning. Freaked me out a bit. I am still thinking about going to look at cars this weekend. I have a feeling I can save $50 if not more a month by getting a new car. It's all up to the dealer, my credit, and if they are willing to let me walk out with nothing out of pocket. I may end up with less features than I am used to, but if it means saving money, I can deal.
Dealing. It's what I am learning to do more and more...
While I was waiting for things to load and run I started going through the Kindle store in detail. Seems they have HUNDREDS of books available for free from classics to stuff that just didn't sell to old textbooks. Oh and free games too. I ended up getting like 25 more books and 5 games. I am really loving this thing. I honestly can't wait until I am stuck in an airport for 5 hours with nothing to do. I am going to bury my head in my Kindle and never come back out. I am still reading Breakfast of Champions by Vonnegut as it was one of the first books I decided to put on the Kindle. I figured I would get something from an author I knew to see if I liked this thing or not. I do now see in some respects the allure of a tablet, but the one I want is Motorola Xoom and pricing was just announced yesterday - $800. Um, bite me? Let's see $140 versus $800. Hmmm... Yeah, no Xoom for me in the immediate future. That's the 4g version, I think the wireless only will be slightly less, like $600, but that's still not in my range right now. Nor will it be for a while. Too bad as they will have a Kindle app for it which means I could merge things. Of course, it's bigger, heavier, etc. The Kindle has a browser app built in, I should test it today to see if I can connect to email with it. If I can, then why do I need a tablet? If I can use it with Google docs then what's missing? It plays music too, granted it doesn't do video, but I am not a big video on a device kind of person anyway.
Speaking of video, while I was doing my timing tests last night, finished up season three of Eureka. 10 episodes left to watch in season 3.5 and I will be almost current. Like most shows of it's nature, it's kind of flat after 30 or so episodes. I am hoping these remaining 10 are better.
Made Joe's special last night for dinner. Still feeling fat though. I tried to not eat any carbs, but for dessert I had a piece of toast with honey. I know I don't need the bread, it just tasted good. I have too much crap food in the house right now because I haven't gone to the grocery store. I am holding on tight on money since it's almost payday and I am on the wire. I am late on one credit card bill and my cell phone by a day right now. I am going to stay up until midnight tonight to see when my paycheck posts so I can pay them and only be 25 hours late. Hopefully they won't ding me late charges.
Still raining. It actually hailed here yesterday during the day. I was too far away to see it, but the rain was bad where I was. Hydroplaned a little bit on the way to work in the morning. Freaked me out a bit. I am still thinking about going to look at cars this weekend. I have a feeling I can save $50 if not more a month by getting a new car. It's all up to the dealer, my credit, and if they are willing to let me walk out with nothing out of pocket. I may end up with less features than I am used to, but if it means saving money, I can deal.
Dealing. It's what I am learning to do more and more...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Y2 D266
There's this couple I know that I really like. They are so sweet and wonderful that I just love them and seeing them together because they are so happy. At the same time? I fucking hate them because they are so happy. I used to be happy... I think? Whenever I see them together it's a dagger in my chest reminding me of everything I have lost. I want them to endure forever because they are so good together. I just can't handle being around that much joy. Only manages to make me depressed. How fucked up is that?
Some new consultant started at the client I am working at right now. He doesn't seem to be working on the same stuff we are, but who knows. Clients fuck around with firms like us all the time where they bring in two different companies to work on the same things. It's a shitty practice, but I have done it myself and can't judge. Anyway, the reason I bring this guy up is that he reminded me of a slimy Paul Allen. You know Paul Allen, the bane of Patrick Bateman's existence? The one who should have been the catharsis, the exit, but in the end was no more a person than Patrick himself. This guy has the 80s wall street look to a T just with this added level of sleaze. A perfect Paul Allen. The blue Ralph Lauren shirt, the tightly pressed flat front slacks, couldn't see his shoes (but not for lack of trying, wingtip, laces), the red power tie (Brooks Brothers?), even the glasses which I would bet aren't even fucking prescription. I bet they're nothing more than plain fucking lenses. Asshole. I find an overwhelming desire looking at this son of a bitch yesterday to shove an axe through his face for no other reason than he was there.
It's raining. It rained yesterday. Probably rain all day.
Ate the second cornish game hen I made the other day for dinner last night. Cleaned the upholstery on one of the chairs last night because boredom was taking over. Watched three episodes of Eureka. Bed.
Life. There it is.
Some new consultant started at the client I am working at right now. He doesn't seem to be working on the same stuff we are, but who knows. Clients fuck around with firms like us all the time where they bring in two different companies to work on the same things. It's a shitty practice, but I have done it myself and can't judge. Anyway, the reason I bring this guy up is that he reminded me of a slimy Paul Allen. You know Paul Allen, the bane of Patrick Bateman's existence? The one who should have been the catharsis, the exit, but in the end was no more a person than Patrick himself. This guy has the 80s wall street look to a T just with this added level of sleaze. A perfect Paul Allen. The blue Ralph Lauren shirt, the tightly pressed flat front slacks, couldn't see his shoes (but not for lack of trying, wingtip, laces), the red power tie (Brooks Brothers?), even the glasses which I would bet aren't even fucking prescription. I bet they're nothing more than plain fucking lenses. Asshole. I find an overwhelming desire looking at this son of a bitch yesterday to shove an axe through his face for no other reason than he was there.
It's raining. It rained yesterday. Probably rain all day.
Ate the second cornish game hen I made the other day for dinner last night. Cleaned the upholstery on one of the chairs last night because boredom was taking over. Watched three episodes of Eureka. Bed.
Life. There it is.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Y2 D265
Ironically suicide rates don't increase on Valentine's Day. Surprising. Turns out the biggest spike in the holiday comes on New Years. Regardless, yesterday was not spiffy for me. I am tired of this. I was okay most of the day but the last hour or so it was rough. Too much time thinking about all the people who were out having dinners, drinks, received cards, flowers, gifts, expressions of love, having sex later. Even the one night stands. Even they were having a better time of it than me. They might not like themselves this morning, but right then they were pretty happy or at least some semblance of happiness. Then I started thinking about what X2 is doing. I know I shouldn't be thinking about that, but what else is there to think about? I think about the other things and that gets too fucking scary.
Fuck it.
It's time I woke up and stopped lying to myself. stopped kidding myself about things. I am old and irrelevant. I can try to put a happy face on things but the truth is I don't matter. I really don't; not in the sense that I need. Of course I matter to my daughter but that's unconditional and is there no matter what. I mean in the other way. I don't matter. I try. I try hard to fit in and play nice and be part of things, but at the end of the day, I am alone because I am still the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I am old, fading away. I am too old to be of any use other than an oddity to be taken out and looked at by the people I associate with regularly. I act too weird for the people of my own generation to even understand. I shouldn't use the word act. I am just too weird, period. I don't fit in their world either. So instead of trying to fit any more, just accept. Just accept that the future holds nothing for me. That I am alone and will probably be alone. That I can try to play in their worlds but at the end of the day, they don't see me as an equal or even as part of their world or as someone they can spend time with in a deeper way. No. I am a wasted life. I can't get it back either. I can't suddenly change things so that I fit in one world or the other. I have to just accept.
The easiest thing to do is hide again. Hide behind the bottle. Hide in the shadows. Just shut up and don't make any waves. Drink myself to death slowly and privately. Burden no one. I have to be smart about it though. I won't take anyone with me but me. Hide the keys. Just come home at night, drink myself into oblivion until the liver goes, then the brain. But on the surface I will have to go to work and be good. I can do it. I have done it before, I can do it again. I won't miss my commitments or my obligations, but I also can't keep pretending that I am wanted or truly part of anything. I am the freak. The oddity. The old fuck. The creepy guy. The pervert. The dirty old man. The uncouth drunkard. The idiot. The fool. I am bald, old, and a shadow of anything that I might have once been.
I leave you with this:
A man lies in his bed in a room with no door
He waits, hoping for a presence or something, anything to enter
After spending half his life searching
He still felt as blank as the ceiling at which he stared
He is alive, but feels absolutely nothing, so is he?
When he was six, he believed that the moon overhead followed him
By nine, he deciphered the illusion, trading magic for fact, no trade-backs
So this is what it's like to be an adult?
If he only knew now what he knew then
Lying sideways atop crumpled sheets and no covers
He decides to dream...Dream up a new self...For himself
Fuck it.
It's time I woke up and stopped lying to myself. stopped kidding myself about things. I am old and irrelevant. I can try to put a happy face on things but the truth is I don't matter. I really don't; not in the sense that I need. Of course I matter to my daughter but that's unconditional and is there no matter what. I mean in the other way. I don't matter. I try. I try hard to fit in and play nice and be part of things, but at the end of the day, I am alone because I am still the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I am old, fading away. I am too old to be of any use other than an oddity to be taken out and looked at by the people I associate with regularly. I act too weird for the people of my own generation to even understand. I shouldn't use the word act. I am just too weird, period. I don't fit in their world either. So instead of trying to fit any more, just accept. Just accept that the future holds nothing for me. That I am alone and will probably be alone. That I can try to play in their worlds but at the end of the day, they don't see me as an equal or even as part of their world or as someone they can spend time with in a deeper way. No. I am a wasted life. I can't get it back either. I can't suddenly change things so that I fit in one world or the other. I have to just accept.
The easiest thing to do is hide again. Hide behind the bottle. Hide in the shadows. Just shut up and don't make any waves. Drink myself to death slowly and privately. Burden no one. I have to be smart about it though. I won't take anyone with me but me. Hide the keys. Just come home at night, drink myself into oblivion until the liver goes, then the brain. But on the surface I will have to go to work and be good. I can do it. I have done it before, I can do it again. I won't miss my commitments or my obligations, but I also can't keep pretending that I am wanted or truly part of anything. I am the freak. The oddity. The old fuck. The creepy guy. The pervert. The dirty old man. The uncouth drunkard. The idiot. The fool. I am bald, old, and a shadow of anything that I might have once been.
I leave you with this:
A man lies in his bed in a room with no door
He waits, hoping for a presence or something, anything to enter
After spending half his life searching
He still felt as blank as the ceiling at which he stared
He is alive, but feels absolutely nothing, so is he?
When he was six, he believed that the moon overhead followed him
By nine, he deciphered the illusion, trading magic for fact, no trade-backs
So this is what it's like to be an adult?
If he only knew now what he knew then
Lying sideways atop crumpled sheets and no covers
He decides to dream...Dream up a new self...For himself
Monday, February 14, 2011
Y2 D264
Valentine's day. Yeah, whoopie. I remember what I did last year on this day. I had the kid and her friend with me and we were getting pissed off because we were trying to find some place to eat dinner and everyone had stupid special menus. I just wanted regular food.
I spent most of the day in the house yesterday. Did some thinking about things. Mostly trying to piece together the blank spots from Saturday night. Turns out I didn't forget my friend; I did offer to drive him home but he wanted to stay later. I left around midnight and he ended up staying until about 2:30. According to him we had a whole conversation about it. The problem is, I don't remember any of it. Plus I had another friend text me during the day apologizing for a comment she made and while I told her I appreciated her apology, I had no clue what she was talking about.
That's the shit that scares me. I don't remember driving home. I don't remember much of anything after about 11. I am going to get myself arrested or killed if I pull that shit anymore. I miss being able to walk home drunk instead of having to drive. No more. I am done with it.
Besides that I did a lot of thinking about the past. The past is the past for a reason. You can't change it, you can play what if all you want but it doesn't make a difference. I was specifically thinking about how some people I used to know in the old town didn't even bother to make an effort to come see me and the kid while we were there. I sent out messages but no response. If that's the way it is then so be it. The past can stay where it is. I have plenty in my life right now to focus on and think about that I am not going to lose sleep over what was.
Speaking of sleep, I slept like shit last night. Tossed and turned all night. Don't know wh.y. Bad dreams. First dream about X2 in a long time. Honestly I haven't dreamt about her in quite a while. It was just one of many that I had last night, but it was enough.
I loaded the Kindle yesterday. I am amazed at how many books are only $2 or $3. I added 17 books to it yesterday. I have enough reading material for a while and I still have $50 in my gift card balance. I am saving it as there are a couple of books coming out later this month and early next that I want. Now I have to decide if I buy the hard back or the digital version. They are authors I truly love so I will probably buy the hardbound editions.
Working from home again today. I have to work on a document again for a client. Only downside is once again I may not leave the house. Let's see how the old brain deals with that. Upside is I won't be subjected to the bs of Valentine's day by being inside all day. Something positive at least.
I spent most of the day in the house yesterday. Did some thinking about things. Mostly trying to piece together the blank spots from Saturday night. Turns out I didn't forget my friend; I did offer to drive him home but he wanted to stay later. I left around midnight and he ended up staying until about 2:30. According to him we had a whole conversation about it. The problem is, I don't remember any of it. Plus I had another friend text me during the day apologizing for a comment she made and while I told her I appreciated her apology, I had no clue what she was talking about.
That's the shit that scares me. I don't remember driving home. I don't remember much of anything after about 11. I am going to get myself arrested or killed if I pull that shit anymore. I miss being able to walk home drunk instead of having to drive. No more. I am done with it.
Besides that I did a lot of thinking about the past. The past is the past for a reason. You can't change it, you can play what if all you want but it doesn't make a difference. I was specifically thinking about how some people I used to know in the old town didn't even bother to make an effort to come see me and the kid while we were there. I sent out messages but no response. If that's the way it is then so be it. The past can stay where it is. I have plenty in my life right now to focus on and think about that I am not going to lose sleep over what was.
Speaking of sleep, I slept like shit last night. Tossed and turned all night. Don't know wh.y. Bad dreams. First dream about X2 in a long time. Honestly I haven't dreamt about her in quite a while. It was just one of many that I had last night, but it was enough.
I loaded the Kindle yesterday. I am amazed at how many books are only $2 or $3. I added 17 books to it yesterday. I have enough reading material for a while and I still have $50 in my gift card balance. I am saving it as there are a couple of books coming out later this month and early next that I want. Now I have to decide if I buy the hard back or the digital version. They are authors I truly love so I will probably buy the hardbound editions.
Working from home again today. I have to work on a document again for a client. Only downside is once again I may not leave the house. Let's see how the old brain deals with that. Upside is I won't be subjected to the bs of Valentine's day by being inside all day. Something positive at least.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Y2 D263
I *KNEW* today would be much more interesting to read than yesterday. Right now, my brain itches and my tongue hurts. Wait, stop. Reverse that...
Where to start, where to start...
Ok, let's do this chronologically...
In the morning I brought the DVD with all the pics from the dinner party over to my boss's house. He was very happy which made me happy. He asked if I wanted to go to Target to get my payment. Sure, why not. I had asked him for a Kindle and $50 gift card to load. I thought that was being very fair since I would have normally charged $500 for the amount of work I did on the pictures. He agreed too. Well, while we were at Target, he decided to change things up. In the end? I got a new Kindle (yay!), $100 gift card from Amazon to load it, AND $100 Visa gift card. SWEET!! Good karmic vibes all around!
After that I went over to Best Buy and got a cover for my new Kindle. I am really excited about it. It's one of those things I really have wanted but just couldn't justify buying. This makes me happy. After Best Buy I met up with my director and head of tech at his house to work on a new prop. We spent most of the afternoon painting and mounting lights on to the new prop. Felt good to work together as a group on something like this. It was me, my director, his son, and the tech head. We made quite a motley crew going into home depot to get paint.
Finished up there around 3 and headed home. I started to try and load my Kindle but I ended up actually paying for a book instead of using the gift card. When you buy books through the kindle it forces '1-click' shopping instead of adding it to a cart. I tried to figure it out, but ended up having to leave for the ultimate boy's night party! And damn did I look good. Red YSL shirt vintage from 1985, black jeans, Versace sport coat. Daddy be looking hot baby.
I drove four people to the party. I did tell you about the party right? Every year the directors host a girls night/boys night party. The girls start at the house, the boys start at the bar doing karaoke. Anyway, I had four boys in my car. What a motley crew this was. A happy gay former programmer now DJ; a gay doctoral candidate (scientific cancer research), the new guy, and a crazy little straight cross dresser (which was something new I learned about him late into the night last night). We headed to the house first to drop off one of the chocolate chip pies I made for the girls. I had a second one for the boys too. I am nothing if not fair. The girls that were there had already started drinking and having fun. After hugs and kisses all around, we headed down the street to the bar. And there the debauchery began! It was a slow night and given there was a good 10-15 of us, we definitely over took the place. Besides us there were maybe 5 or 6 other people there for karaoke. While those 5 people were doing nice songs, mostly country-western, our group was doing bad punk and death metal. We stayed until about 10:30 or 11 (from 7) because the girls called and wanted us to come back to the house. They missed us. Of course they did. I ended up drinking through $50 of the $100 gift card. Yay me. As you might expect I was pretty lit before we even made it back to the house.
Stayed at the house until midnight. Only one bad moment at the house -- the girls had played a game while we were at the bar (because I guess that's what girls do at things like this??). Who on cast that is not your significant other would you fuck. I got no votes. I know, it's dumb, but it did sting a little. Seriously it's totally stupid, but it still kind of hurts.
Hurts enough it's still with me this morning.
Anyway, I stayed for a little while longer and then drove home after sobering partially up. I took one of the guys home. Everyone else ended up with other rides for some reason. Holy shit. I just realized I may have abandoned one of the guys last night. He got a ride from someone else to the house after the bar and so I thought he was getting a ride home from him too. I just texted him. Hopefully he made it home. Now I feel bad. I hope he isn't pissed at me.
Made it home in one piece, dropped the one guy off at his house safely. Passed out on the bed. I did manage to get my contacts out, but not my clothes off. I woke up with my clothes on this morning. But I am functional. Didn't black out, didn't do anything stupid. Didn't take home any strays. All in all, fun, inexpensive, and mostly safe. I am paying for it a little this morning in the head region, but not as bad as I have been before. Four ibuprofen an hour ago and the edge is pretty much off.
Today I have ZERO to do. I am going to relax and enjoy myself. Put gas in the car maybe, and just kick back. I might even not shower...
Where to start, where to start...
Ok, let's do this chronologically...
In the morning I brought the DVD with all the pics from the dinner party over to my boss's house. He was very happy which made me happy. He asked if I wanted to go to Target to get my payment. Sure, why not. I had asked him for a Kindle and $50 gift card to load. I thought that was being very fair since I would have normally charged $500 for the amount of work I did on the pictures. He agreed too. Well, while we were at Target, he decided to change things up. In the end? I got a new Kindle (yay!), $100 gift card from Amazon to load it, AND $100 Visa gift card. SWEET!! Good karmic vibes all around!
After that I went over to Best Buy and got a cover for my new Kindle. I am really excited about it. It's one of those things I really have wanted but just couldn't justify buying. This makes me happy. After Best Buy I met up with my director and head of tech at his house to work on a new prop. We spent most of the afternoon painting and mounting lights on to the new prop. Felt good to work together as a group on something like this. It was me, my director, his son, and the tech head. We made quite a motley crew going into home depot to get paint.
Finished up there around 3 and headed home. I started to try and load my Kindle but I ended up actually paying for a book instead of using the gift card. When you buy books through the kindle it forces '1-click' shopping instead of adding it to a cart. I tried to figure it out, but ended up having to leave for the ultimate boy's night party! And damn did I look good. Red YSL shirt vintage from 1985, black jeans, Versace sport coat. Daddy be looking hot baby.
I drove four people to the party. I did tell you about the party right? Every year the directors host a girls night/boys night party. The girls start at the house, the boys start at the bar doing karaoke. Anyway, I had four boys in my car. What a motley crew this was. A happy gay former programmer now DJ; a gay doctoral candidate (scientific cancer research), the new guy, and a crazy little straight cross dresser (which was something new I learned about him late into the night last night). We headed to the house first to drop off one of the chocolate chip pies I made for the girls. I had a second one for the boys too. I am nothing if not fair. The girls that were there had already started drinking and having fun. After hugs and kisses all around, we headed down the street to the bar. And there the debauchery began! It was a slow night and given there was a good 10-15 of us, we definitely over took the place. Besides us there were maybe 5 or 6 other people there for karaoke. While those 5 people were doing nice songs, mostly country-western, our group was doing bad punk and death metal. We stayed until about 10:30 or 11 (from 7) because the girls called and wanted us to come back to the house. They missed us. Of course they did. I ended up drinking through $50 of the $100 gift card. Yay me. As you might expect I was pretty lit before we even made it back to the house.
Stayed at the house until midnight. Only one bad moment at the house -- the girls had played a game while we were at the bar (because I guess that's what girls do at things like this??). Who on cast that is not your significant other would you fuck. I got no votes. I know, it's dumb, but it did sting a little. Seriously it's totally stupid, but it still kind of hurts.
Hurts enough it's still with me this morning.
Anyway, I stayed for a little while longer and then drove home after sobering partially up. I took one of the guys home. Everyone else ended up with other rides for some reason. Holy shit. I just realized I may have abandoned one of the guys last night. He got a ride from someone else to the house after the bar and so I thought he was getting a ride home from him too. I just texted him. Hopefully he made it home. Now I feel bad. I hope he isn't pissed at me.
Made it home in one piece, dropped the one guy off at his house safely. Passed out on the bed. I did manage to get my contacts out, but not my clothes off. I woke up with my clothes on this morning. But I am functional. Didn't black out, didn't do anything stupid. Didn't take home any strays. All in all, fun, inexpensive, and mostly safe. I am paying for it a little this morning in the head region, but not as bad as I have been before. Four ibuprofen an hour ago and the edge is pretty much off.
Today I have ZERO to do. I am going to relax and enjoy myself. Put gas in the car maybe, and just kick back. I might even not shower...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Y2 D262
Too much time by myself is detrimental to my spleen. Huh? What? Never mind...
I did spend too much time by myself yesterday though. Was starting to lose it come the night time. I only went out for like 20 minutes yesterday to get some groceries. I made chocolate chip pies. Tonight is a girls/boys night thing hosted by our directors. The girls will be at the house and us boys are going to karaoke. This should be interesting. I made pies to bring to the girls.
Other than that, I stayed at home working on the pictures from the other night and did some work for a client remotely. I do enjoy being able to work from home, but too much of it and I start to go stir crazy. And it makes for very boring daily entries. I mean seriously, what's so exciting about the fact that I had a turkey burger for dinner, watched two episodes of Eureka, edited pictures, and went to bed? That in a nut shell was my day. See how boring?
Oh wait, I have been bitching on and off for two years about how I want boring. I need to shut my mouth before karma decides to stick a 2x4 somewhere unpleasant.
Off to run some errands. 7pm is boys night time. Now tomorrow hopefully will be less boring to read...
I did spend too much time by myself yesterday though. Was starting to lose it come the night time. I only went out for like 20 minutes yesterday to get some groceries. I made chocolate chip pies. Tonight is a girls/boys night thing hosted by our directors. The girls will be at the house and us boys are going to karaoke. This should be interesting. I made pies to bring to the girls.
Other than that, I stayed at home working on the pictures from the other night and did some work for a client remotely. I do enjoy being able to work from home, but too much of it and I start to go stir crazy. And it makes for very boring daily entries. I mean seriously, what's so exciting about the fact that I had a turkey burger for dinner, watched two episodes of Eureka, edited pictures, and went to bed? That in a nut shell was my day. See how boring?
Oh wait, I have been bitching on and off for two years about how I want boring. I need to shut my mouth before karma decides to stick a 2x4 somewhere unpleasant.
Off to run some errands. 7pm is boys night time. Now tomorrow hopefully will be less boring to read...
Friday, February 11, 2011
Y2 D261
I slept on the couch last night. Not really sure why other than I felt like it. I think it was due to my back bugging me a little bit and I can always get a better night sleep sometimes if I am on the couch. Less room to toss and turn. I feel pretty good this morning because of it. Plus the cat likes it. She enjoys when I sleep on there because she can smush right up against me. Nothing like cat ass in your face.
Did an install for a client yesterday. Turned out to be a very informative and good day on the work front. I had to drive yet again, but this time I rode the bike. Almost had a major problem though. First off, the gloves I had (notice past tense) were thin. They are meant for protection, not warmth. Although I had managed to wrap my body with multiple layers, my hands were freezing. I couldn't feel my right pinkie finger. When I got off the bike near the client, I pulled into a target to look at some kind of hand warmer. I almost fell down. I don't know what happened but I had this massive wave of dizziness and naseau pass over me. I was down for about 10 minutes. Couldn't stand, couldn't walk. Felt like I was going to collapse right there. I ended up just sitting on a bench until it passed. Was a little scary. I didn't know what was going on with my body. I could hypothesize all sorts of different things, but truth be told, I have no clue what happened. After that passed I went inside and bought some insulated work gloves. I needed something to warm up my hands. Luckily there were only $13 but made the biggest difference ever. I could feel my fingers again, what a concept.
Headed to the client, did my work, and rode home. On the way home I stopped at a motorcycle dealer near the client. They are the only Victory dealer near me and I didn't know when I would have a chance to be out there again. I have been looking at one of Victory's new bikes, but it is so new the dealer won't have any in until March. I will go back out in a few weeks to test ride it.
Got home and had a nasty surprise; a late fee for my rent. Turns out, my rent has to be in on the 4th. I thought I had until the 4th. But because I was out of town, I did it online and it wasn't processed until the 4th. They explained all this to me and I asked if they would waive the charge. They are checking with their home office to see if they can reverse the charge. It's $40 so it's not the amount as much as it's the principle. Bugs me. Let's see what happens today.
Did some more work last night for another client and started the post-processing of the pictures from the dinner party. Need to finish both of those today. Working from home thank goodness so I don't have to rush anywhere.
Did an install for a client yesterday. Turned out to be a very informative and good day on the work front. I had to drive yet again, but this time I rode the bike. Almost had a major problem though. First off, the gloves I had (notice past tense) were thin. They are meant for protection, not warmth. Although I had managed to wrap my body with multiple layers, my hands were freezing. I couldn't feel my right pinkie finger. When I got off the bike near the client, I pulled into a target to look at some kind of hand warmer. I almost fell down. I don't know what happened but I had this massive wave of dizziness and naseau pass over me. I was down for about 10 minutes. Couldn't stand, couldn't walk. Felt like I was going to collapse right there. I ended up just sitting on a bench until it passed. Was a little scary. I didn't know what was going on with my body. I could hypothesize all sorts of different things, but truth be told, I have no clue what happened. After that passed I went inside and bought some insulated work gloves. I needed something to warm up my hands. Luckily there were only $13 but made the biggest difference ever. I could feel my fingers again, what a concept.
Headed to the client, did my work, and rode home. On the way home I stopped at a motorcycle dealer near the client. They are the only Victory dealer near me and I didn't know when I would have a chance to be out there again. I have been looking at one of Victory's new bikes, but it is so new the dealer won't have any in until March. I will go back out in a few weeks to test ride it.
Got home and had a nasty surprise; a late fee for my rent. Turns out, my rent has to be in on the 4th. I thought I had until the 4th. But because I was out of town, I did it online and it wasn't processed until the 4th. They explained all this to me and I asked if they would waive the charge. They are checking with their home office to see if they can reverse the charge. It's $40 so it's not the amount as much as it's the principle. Bugs me. Let's see what happens today.
Did some more work last night for another client and started the post-processing of the pictures from the dinner party. Need to finish both of those today. Working from home thank goodness so I don't have to rush anywhere.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Y2 D260
Another long damn day yesterday. I had to work for the client out in the middle of nowhere followed by a dinner party. The dinner party would have been okay if it wasn't a work thing and I wasn't having to work while there. It was a company get together and my bosses some how wrangled me into taking pictures for our marketing materials. This meant they wanted nice portrait headshots. I had to lug out the lights, the backdrops, the tripod, etc for an hours worth of shooting. The upside? They wanted to pay me for my time which was nice. I felt weird taking money from them for this and instead I offered them a deal. I have been wanting a Kindle for a while but it's the kind of thing I can't justify buying for myself right now. I told them they could get me a Kindle with a $50 gift card to load the thing and we would call it even. In a few days, I should have a shiny new toy. Yay me.
But it still made for a long day and I still have about 4 or 5 hours of photoshop work I have now just committed to doing.
In other news, one of the guys on cast was featured in the paper yesterday for his work as an educator. Way to go! The fun part was all of us attacking the idiots who were making comments about him on the online version of the article. He has a mohawk and piercings (gee, what a shock) and all of these people started saying how someone like him shouldn't be teaching children. Man, you don't fuck with family. All day, everyone who knows this guy, myself included, posted retorts saying how great a guy he is and how his looks don't change his ability to teach. It made me feel good to see people standing up for one of our own. Talk about fitting in and being part of something bigger.
The dinner party was fun even with having to take pictures. But I got home and in bed later than I wanted. Today I have to do an install for a client again out in the middle of nowhere. But since I don't have to bring my laptop to this one, I think I am going to ride. Wish me luck as I may freeze to death...
But it still made for a long day and I still have about 4 or 5 hours of photoshop work I have now just committed to doing.
In other news, one of the guys on cast was featured in the paper yesterday for his work as an educator. Way to go! The fun part was all of us attacking the idiots who were making comments about him on the online version of the article. He has a mohawk and piercings (gee, what a shock) and all of these people started saying how someone like him shouldn't be teaching children. Man, you don't fuck with family. All day, everyone who knows this guy, myself included, posted retorts saying how great a guy he is and how his looks don't change his ability to teach. It made me feel good to see people standing up for one of our own. Talk about fitting in and being part of something bigger.
The dinner party was fun even with having to take pictures. But I got home and in bed later than I wanted. Today I have to do an install for a client again out in the middle of nowhere. But since I don't have to bring my laptop to this one, I think I am going to ride. Wish me luck as I may freeze to death...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Y2 D259
Last night I started digging through old DVDs and CDs to try and recover some of the pictures I lost. As of right now I have about 15,000 of the 30,000 I figure are on that drive. That's the good news. The bad news is doing this dragged me down exactly the fucked up path I didn't want to go down. I started finding old documents, things we did together, receipts, etc - essentially a chronological bitch slap of the last 10 years. I knew I didn't want to do this. The upside is I did find one disc that had essentially 6,100 of the earliest pictures I wanted including my old Pontiac and pics of the kid from 7 and 8 years ago. THAT part was good. The rest of it? Like videos from our trip to the Bahamas? Yeah, not so much.
My new client is not so bad. I spent most of the day dealing with VPN issues and getting my laptop configured for their environment. The work is pretty straight forward. I did end up spending three hours on the road yesterday. I wish I could bill for that time, but unfortunately all I get to do is claim gas and bridge tolls. I will still come out about $100 a week ahead of what I am actually spending in gas and tolls, but I won't see that until the end of the quarter. That part sucks too.
So to sum up yesterday? A major suckfest. Tonight is some dinner thing for work where they want me to take head shots for the company marketing materials. Essentially another company event where I won't eat the food because it will be awful and now I have to actually work after working all day. Nice. I get to spend another three hours driving today too.
Fuck this.
My new client is not so bad. I spent most of the day dealing with VPN issues and getting my laptop configured for their environment. The work is pretty straight forward. I did end up spending three hours on the road yesterday. I wish I could bill for that time, but unfortunately all I get to do is claim gas and bridge tolls. I will still come out about $100 a week ahead of what I am actually spending in gas and tolls, but I won't see that until the end of the quarter. That part sucks too.
So to sum up yesterday? A major suckfest. Tonight is some dinner thing for work where they want me to take head shots for the company marketing materials. Essentially another company event where I won't eat the food because it will be awful and now I have to actually work after working all day. Nice. I get to spend another three hours driving today too.
Fuck this.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Y2 D258
I didn't leave the house yesterday at all. I dislike days like that. Makes me feel too isolated. But I had to work on a client's stuff and didn't feel like driving because I am driving 100+ miles today and probably every day for the rest of the week. I wanted to drive and save gas where I could by not driving yesterday. Made for a rather unexciting day obviously. There really wasn't anything going on, didn't talk to anyone, and didn't leave the house. I also didn't dwell in my head too much.
The only news from yesterday is it looks like I did in fact lose a hard drive and with it 7 years of pictures. I am not very happy about that. I have some of them on backup, but we are talking 20,000 to 30,000 pictures total. So far I have recovered from DVD and other drives maybe 10% of that. There are drive recovery services out there, but the first quote I got was $950. One, I don't have that kind of money and two, I don't know if half the memories are worth that much. That was one of the things I found yesterday - as I started to pull some of the files from old DVDs, I really didn't want to see some of these pictures. Yes, it would be nice to have some of them back, but others? Not really. I would say half of the files have no meaning or place in my brain any more. I will continue to see what I can and can't restore, but honestly, I am not going to die if I don't get them all back. Not the end of the world.
Time to drive.
The only news from yesterday is it looks like I did in fact lose a hard drive and with it 7 years of pictures. I am not very happy about that. I have some of them on backup, but we are talking 20,000 to 30,000 pictures total. So far I have recovered from DVD and other drives maybe 10% of that. There are drive recovery services out there, but the first quote I got was $950. One, I don't have that kind of money and two, I don't know if half the memories are worth that much. That was one of the things I found yesterday - as I started to pull some of the files from old DVDs, I really didn't want to see some of these pictures. Yes, it would be nice to have some of them back, but others? Not really. I would say half of the files have no meaning or place in my brain any more. I will continue to see what I can and can't restore, but honestly, I am not going to die if I don't get them all back. Not the end of the world.
Time to drive.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Y2 D257
I honestly don't remember what I did last year for Stupid Bowl, and I don't feel like going back and looking up last year's entry. Suffice to say it was probably something related to the kid because it would have been her birthday weekend just like this year was. I do know what I did yesterday, random things which explains why today's post will seem so random.
Got up around 8:30 which isn't bad since I went to bed at almost 4. Started the day by cleaning the house, paying bills, and doing laundry. From there, ran some errands. The best part of the day was getting a 2TB drive for $88. One of the external drives on my machine crapped out. I am not freaking out yet because I am hoping I can extract the data off of it still. I may be more freaked out tomorrow after I try to get data today. I had three externals hooked to this desktop (500, 320, 640) and I decided to condense into one. I originally went into the store looking for a 1TB, but saw this 2 on sale and decided to go that route. Took all night to copy stuff from one of the drives. Now I need to see about getting the data off the one that went bonkers. Wish me luck on that. It just happens to contain about 5 years of pictures. Little nervous.
Did some more house cleaning including the bunnies. Then the kitchen. Then I caught up on the DVR stuff I missed. I intentionally took a nap right at what I believe was the start of the foozball game. Yes, I think football is stupid, sorry. I don't see the draw of watching a game where I don't know what is going on or who is even playing. Not to mention, it was a gorgeous day out yesterday. I was much happier being outside than trapped watching television.
The downside to being so anti-football is that I was a bit of a pariah yesterday. No one wants to talk to the guy who is going to insult what you are watching. Whatever.
This week I need to get all my tax stuff together and work with a friend to see how bad things are going to be. N agreed to help me with my taxes and I am going to take her up on that. I just need to get all my paperwork together. Fun stuff. I am supposed to go to my buddy's tonight for one of his dinners, but since I have to drive 100 miles for a client tomorrow, I am probably going to pass. It will make for too late of a night on a monday for me to feel comfortable. I am sad to be missing one of his dinners, but it's being smart and practical. Strange concepts.
Got up around 8:30 which isn't bad since I went to bed at almost 4. Started the day by cleaning the house, paying bills, and doing laundry. From there, ran some errands. The best part of the day was getting a 2TB drive for $88. One of the external drives on my machine crapped out. I am not freaking out yet because I am hoping I can extract the data off of it still. I may be more freaked out tomorrow after I try to get data today. I had three externals hooked to this desktop (500, 320, 640) and I decided to condense into one. I originally went into the store looking for a 1TB, but saw this 2 on sale and decided to go that route. Took all night to copy stuff from one of the drives. Now I need to see about getting the data off the one that went bonkers. Wish me luck on that. It just happens to contain about 5 years of pictures. Little nervous.
Did some more house cleaning including the bunnies. Then the kitchen. Then I caught up on the DVR stuff I missed. I intentionally took a nap right at what I believe was the start of the foozball game. Yes, I think football is stupid, sorry. I don't see the draw of watching a game where I don't know what is going on or who is even playing. Not to mention, it was a gorgeous day out yesterday. I was much happier being outside than trapped watching television.
The downside to being so anti-football is that I was a bit of a pariah yesterday. No one wants to talk to the guy who is going to insult what you are watching. Whatever.
This week I need to get all my tax stuff together and work with a friend to see how bad things are going to be. N agreed to help me with my taxes and I am going to take her up on that. I just need to get all my paperwork together. Fun stuff. I am supposed to go to my buddy's tonight for one of his dinners, but since I have to drive 100 miles for a client tomorrow, I am probably going to pass. It will make for too late of a night on a monday for me to feel comfortable. I am sad to be missing one of his dinners, but it's being smart and practical. Strange concepts.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Y2 D256
It definitely was a long day as predicted. By the time I dropped the kid off and finally got home myself, it was 3:30. Made for a very long day. The drive was nothing exciting, just boring and tedious. Got home, took care of the cat and the rabbits, then took a short nap. Puttered around the house until about 8 then headed out for the show.
I headed out early because I wanted to grab something to eat before hand. Unfortunately there isn't much in my house right now. I intentionally didn't buy anything before I left because I didn't want any food going bad before I got home. The downside obviously is there is nothing to eat in here right now. Cest la vie.
Was at the restaurant about an hour before everyone else, but it gave me time to get some food in me and get into show mode.
Everyone was in a great mood last night and we had a fantastic show. I think the stress from last month is fading. We all were feeling burned out and now we are recharged and giving good performances. We had a solid turnout because the weather was beautiful last night. I got the chance to 'watch' the show instead of work because we needed to take notes on tech crew's performance. I still ended up doing a buttload of stuff, but I also got to be a little less stressed out. I need to type up the two and a half pages of notes I took.
Other than that, I am doing some work for a client, cleaning the rabbit cage, and otherwise relaxing. Today is StupidBowl but since I could care less about sports, it means nothing. I might do laundry during that time as no one will be bugging me.
I headed out early because I wanted to grab something to eat before hand. Unfortunately there isn't much in my house right now. I intentionally didn't buy anything before I left because I didn't want any food going bad before I got home. The downside obviously is there is nothing to eat in here right now. Cest la vie.
Was at the restaurant about an hour before everyone else, but it gave me time to get some food in me and get into show mode.
Everyone was in a great mood last night and we had a fantastic show. I think the stress from last month is fading. We all were feeling burned out and now we are recharged and giving good performances. We had a solid turnout because the weather was beautiful last night. I got the chance to 'watch' the show instead of work because we needed to take notes on tech crew's performance. I still ended up doing a buttload of stuff, but I also got to be a little less stressed out. I need to type up the two and a half pages of notes I took.
Other than that, I am doing some work for a client, cleaning the rabbit cage, and otherwise relaxing. Today is StupidBowl but since I could care less about sports, it means nothing. I might do laundry during that time as no one will be bugging me.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Y2 D255
I had the most incredible day yesterday. Went from 6am until 1am. I did it. I gave my little girl the best damn birthday in the world. I had a little stress in the morning -- my payroll was screwed up by about $900 which threw me off. But within twenty minutes of sending a message to my finance guy, I had a reply back saying he knew he blew it and it would be there no later than Monday morning. Okay, crisis averted. We got to the park around 9:45 and I went over to client services where the tickets were waiting. There was a little confusion on the name on the tickets. Even though my name was on it, I needed my name to be primary to get them transfered over to me. Took about a half hour but once that was done we held in our hands three Club 33 Complimentary park hopper tickets. Sweet. None of us had ever done CA Adventure so we decided we would spend a few hours in Disney then head to DCA. When we got to the door with our tickets they saw the Club 33 notice and along with the regular map and junk we also got 'Club 33 Quick Tips'. These covered dress code, how much you should expect to spend, etc. Very cool. I guess if you are not from an area where $75 per head is acceptable at a fancy restaurant, the menu might give you sticker shock. We will get to that in a minute.
We bounced around the rides, had some lunch, met up with my friend and headed over to DCA. My buddy has a lanyard with all the pins and he was trading with cast members all day. I got the kid started on that too. She now has about 15 pins. We picked a couple of ones we are going to collect but otherwise it's random.
DCA was a blast. We all had an incredible time on Tower of Terror. Again, none of us except my friend had ever been there so here for once was something new. We rode all the main rides, then headed back to Disney. Around 8 we got dressed and headed to Club 33. I will NEVER do Disney again btw unless it's as a 33 member. From the discounts I got in the park to the extra little bit of attention and kindess we got from cast members. It's the ONLY way to do the park.
The best part? Waiting for them to escort us upstairs and the whispers from people who knew why we were all dressed up standing in front of an unmarked door. Felt DAMN good. See X2? Thought I would never eat at 33?? Thought I would never do France?? HA. Bitch.
Dinner was incredible. Nothing I hadn't had before, but it was the principle of doing it at Disney. Nice bottle of wine, good dessert, little thank you gifts for the table, etc. I got everyone a 33 keychain on the way out. I also picked up my buddy's dinner as a thank you for the tickets and making the kid's birthday incredible.
By the time our 2 hour dinner was over, we were all exhausted, but we did some shopping on the way out. Kid got a new nice jacket, and I got a Tron hoodie. I love it.
I also learned that my 15 year old Mickey watch is worth a hell of lot more than I ever thought. It seems it is a major collectible because of the brand (Baum and Mercier) and that they no longer partner with them as they were too expensive for the average guest when they did have a partnership. Nice.
We finally got back home around 1 and passed out. We will be on the road in about an hour. Man this is going to be a long day. I have a show tonight on top of driving the kid home. Oy.
We bounced around the rides, had some lunch, met up with my friend and headed over to DCA. My buddy has a lanyard with all the pins and he was trading with cast members all day. I got the kid started on that too. She now has about 15 pins. We picked a couple of ones we are going to collect but otherwise it's random.
DCA was a blast. We all had an incredible time on Tower of Terror. Again, none of us except my friend had ever been there so here for once was something new. We rode all the main rides, then headed back to Disney. Around 8 we got dressed and headed to Club 33. I will NEVER do Disney again btw unless it's as a 33 member. From the discounts I got in the park to the extra little bit of attention and kindess we got from cast members. It's the ONLY way to do the park.
The best part? Waiting for them to escort us upstairs and the whispers from people who knew why we were all dressed up standing in front of an unmarked door. Felt DAMN good. See X2? Thought I would never eat at 33?? Thought I would never do France?? HA. Bitch.
Dinner was incredible. Nothing I hadn't had before, but it was the principle of doing it at Disney. Nice bottle of wine, good dessert, little thank you gifts for the table, etc. I got everyone a 33 keychain on the way out. I also picked up my buddy's dinner as a thank you for the tickets and making the kid's birthday incredible.
By the time our 2 hour dinner was over, we were all exhausted, but we did some shopping on the way out. Kid got a new nice jacket, and I got a Tron hoodie. I love it.
I also learned that my 15 year old Mickey watch is worth a hell of lot more than I ever thought. It seems it is a major collectible because of the brand (Baum and Mercier) and that they no longer partner with them as they were too expensive for the average guest when they did have a partnership. Nice.
We finally got back home around 1 and passed out. We will be on the road in about an hour. Man this is going to be a long day. I have a show tonight on top of driving the kid home. Oy.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Y2 D254
The adventure is off to a 98% good start. I got a speeding ticket in the morning on the way no more than 30 miles from the house which put a small damper on my morning. The cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going and I told him 'Honestly? it's 4:30 in the morning and I was zoning out.' He nailed me for 80 in a 65 at 4:30 in the morning with no other cars around. Bored much dude?
Got the kid without further incident and head down to do some shopping. We stopped at the bank first and I opened the kid up her first real checking and savings account as her 'big' birthday present. She now has a headstart on life. I have to admit, it made me feel pretty damn good to be able to do that. I was proud of myself.
We then hit the mall for four hours. She had her own money to spend and I didn't have to do anything except buy the girls lunch. We then headed into town for our night of debauchery. We had an incredible time. Dinner was wonderful -- foei gras, escargot, duck breast, snapper and then for dessert the chef did a giant plate with chocolate cake on it and wrote happy birthday to her in chocolate sauce. It was all very cool. It was good seeing some people. Others? Not so much. I got a couple of fake smiles from some people but you know what? Screw them.
While we were having dinner, I got a call from my friend who got us into Club 33 tonight. He was calling to tell me that park tickets will be waiting for us this morning at client services. Dude. Wow. I am humbled beyond belief. That is so very awesome.
After dinner we walked up to the wine bar where the owner had a big gift bag waiting for the kid. She had little tiny ice creams and cookies waiting for her too. It was cute, she gave the kid a really nice candle and told her 'it's your first "adult" present since you are one now'. Made the kid feel good. We stayed there until about 10 then headed to my other friends place where we slept. I felt like we came in like a tornado a bit last night, but that's me, sorry about that. They were patient and understanding as always. I need to get them a thank you gift today in the park. I almost had to go back out, but luckily at the last minute those plans got canceled. Did some work, then hit bed.
This morning has had a bit of stress already, but I will go into that tomorrow. Right now? Day two of the ultimate birthday weekend. Off to Disneyland and Club 33!
Got the kid without further incident and head down to do some shopping. We stopped at the bank first and I opened the kid up her first real checking and savings account as her 'big' birthday present. She now has a headstart on life. I have to admit, it made me feel pretty damn good to be able to do that. I was proud of myself.
We then hit the mall for four hours. She had her own money to spend and I didn't have to do anything except buy the girls lunch. We then headed into town for our night of debauchery. We had an incredible time. Dinner was wonderful -- foei gras, escargot, duck breast, snapper and then for dessert the chef did a giant plate with chocolate cake on it and wrote happy birthday to her in chocolate sauce. It was all very cool. It was good seeing some people. Others? Not so much. I got a couple of fake smiles from some people but you know what? Screw them.
While we were having dinner, I got a call from my friend who got us into Club 33 tonight. He was calling to tell me that park tickets will be waiting for us this morning at client services. Dude. Wow. I am humbled beyond belief. That is so very awesome.
After dinner we walked up to the wine bar where the owner had a big gift bag waiting for the kid. She had little tiny ice creams and cookies waiting for her too. It was cute, she gave the kid a really nice candle and told her 'it's your first "adult" present since you are one now'. Made the kid feel good. We stayed there until about 10 then headed to my other friends place where we slept. I felt like we came in like a tornado a bit last night, but that's me, sorry about that. They were patient and understanding as always. I need to get them a thank you gift today in the park. I almost had to go back out, but luckily at the last minute those plans got canceled. Did some work, then hit bed.
This morning has had a bit of stress already, but I will go into that tomorrow. Right now? Day two of the ultimate birthday weekend. Off to Disneyland and Club 33!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Y2 D253
Today my little girl is 18. Kid you don't know how important you are to me. I can't believe you are an adult as of today. I am so proud and humbled by you. I am sorry for all the shit I have put you through in the last couple of years. I am sorry for everything your mother has done in the last two years and the burdens you have suffered trying to be a kid while sometimes being forced to live in an adult world. You are going to have the best goddamn birthday I can give you this weekend.
I have to do this. I don't expect anyone to understand and I don't want the kid to ever really understand. I will make up for X1 and her behavior. Period. I know X2 won't do anything for her today. Which is a sign of her character. Now if she does, I will be truly impressed. It might show me she isn't a heartless cruel shallow bitch. I will be extremely surprised, but in a good way.
Yesterday was a standard work day. Nothing exciting. Came home and prepped for this morning and went to bed at 7:30 so I could be up at 3 without issue. I am getting everything ready to get out the door in twenty minutes.
Today will be a short one because I have to go give my kid the best 18th birthday ever.
I have to do this. I don't expect anyone to understand and I don't want the kid to ever really understand. I will make up for X1 and her behavior. Period. I know X2 won't do anything for her today. Which is a sign of her character. Now if she does, I will be truly impressed. It might show me she isn't a heartless cruel shallow bitch. I will be extremely surprised, but in a good way.
Yesterday was a standard work day. Nothing exciting. Came home and prepped for this morning and went to bed at 7:30 so I could be up at 3 without issue. I am getting everything ready to get out the door in twenty minutes.
Today will be a short one because I have to go give my kid the best 18th birthday ever.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Y2 D252
Before we get into yesterday, some more thoughts on a different topic:
Sometimes people ask me if I am really serious when I discuss being suicidal. Seriously? You think I would joke about something like that? I mean, yeah I have a dark fucking sense of humor, but come on. Even I am not that bad. Well, ok I am but not when it comes to this. I have been suicidal in some form or other for 25 fucking years. Since the day my mother died and my step-father walked out on me. Kind of fucks with you if you know what I mean. Add to that low self-esteem, weight issues, a cheating wife, job losses, multiple divorces, financial issues, physical issues, etc, etc, etc. The last 25 years in many ways have not been good to me. I have had moments of happiness, but when I step back and look at the percentage of happy versus unhappy? Unhappy wins hands down. Is it a chemical problem in my brain like so many are apt to say? Maybe. Maybe that's why I have sought out different drugs and booze over the years. My way of fucking with my internal chemistry to see if I can 'fix' what is wrong with me. Obviously I haven't fixed a damn thing, only put things on hold. Overdose of a endorphins and dopamine please, aisle 12. And guess what? I am not alone in this. Every alcoholic, drug addict, marathon runner, extreme sports junkie, poker player, rock star, actor, accountant, police officer, dentist - whatever - has the same fucking problem. We are trying to push those endorphins and escalate the dopamine in our brains to shut down that tiny voice that says 'fuck this. just jump'. Some of us can admit it, some think it's other things pushing them, some never realize they are even doing it. We look for love. We look for drugs. We look for thrills. We look for something to kill the nothing. Sometimes you have the flash of realization where you know there is NOTHING that can truly kill the nothing inside and you go bang. It's the struggle of every day finding that one thing that STOPS you from pulling the trigger. Friends. Family. A good book. A good meal. A bubble bath. A moment of silence. The bills being paid for a day. Whatever it is. You take that ONE MOMENT out of a thousand fucked up mundane moments and you hold on to it until it burns up and fades and you need another one before you choose the other alternative. For the most part I have been able to find that one moment every day for the last 25 fucking years. Some days it's harder than others. Some days you come close. You have the knife on the table. You have the gun in the house. You take a pill so you can sleep through it. You drink a drink to knock yourself unconscious instead of staying awake and thinking more about how easier it would be if you didn't have to work so fucking hard. You snort the line of coke and let it wash over you because then you can hide in the momentary bliss it creates. But then you need another. Another bump. Another drink. Another pill. Because we get numb. Always numb. People say they don't understand celebrities who commit suicide. "Oh they had everything". No they didn't. They had the same thing you and I have - the unending need to find a moment where the chemicals in our head are in balance for enough hours to get us through yet another day. The pharmaceutical companies get this - cymbalta, xanax, zoloft, lithium - and a hundred other anti-depressant medications are available for the taking. Legally. All you have to do is ask. But what does that accomplish? Yes, you have put the chemicals in the head in balance or at least in balance enough for you to function until your meatsuit rots away and you die anyway. So which is worse? A life of pills where you never really feel because you are numb just to wear a mask of normalcy? Or a life of never ending attempts at thrills and adrenaline rushes to keep the head in check? Or a life of drugs and booze and meaningless love affairs to do the same? Or just admitting that we are all fucked in the head and ending it once and for all? Seriously. Think about that.
Ok, just a few thoughts, eh? Yesterday was ups and down obviously. I went to work and ran into some major troubles with the reports I was working on for the client. I spent most of the day kicking off processes and then sitting and waiting for an hour for them to finish. I ended up watching 5 episodes of Eureka thanks to Netflix streaming.
After work I talked to my sister. My niece is doing okay. I can't believe the process for having an abortion these days; they give them a pill. Literally, a pill. She takes the pill, has anti-biotics, takes two more pills today and done. Talk about depersonalizing the whole thing. I honestly don't know how I feel about it. While I think she did the right thing by not keeping the child, I am torn up about how I feel about this. I am still thinking through all the ramifications.
Around 7 I went to my friend's house to help her fix some stuff in her apartment. Her husband is on the road and the maintenance guys only do so much. I ended up fixing her closet track for her. She made me an awesome chicken and bacon salad in return. We then proceeded to polish of three bottles of wine. I was there until around 1. Yes, I am functioning on very little sleep right now. I need to go pick up a CD from another friend for the kid for her birthday, and then head out to the client for a presentation meeting. We are showing the reports that drove me nuts yesterday. I will probably be out there late again. Which really sucks as I need to go to bed around 8 tonight as I am up three tomorrow to start the birthday weekend extravaganza. I am SO going to need a nap at some point. I might crawl out to my car and take a small break.
Sometimes people ask me if I am really serious when I discuss being suicidal. Seriously? You think I would joke about something like that? I mean, yeah I have a dark fucking sense of humor, but come on. Even I am not that bad. Well, ok I am but not when it comes to this. I have been suicidal in some form or other for 25 fucking years. Since the day my mother died and my step-father walked out on me. Kind of fucks with you if you know what I mean. Add to that low self-esteem, weight issues, a cheating wife, job losses, multiple divorces, financial issues, physical issues, etc, etc, etc. The last 25 years in many ways have not been good to me. I have had moments of happiness, but when I step back and look at the percentage of happy versus unhappy? Unhappy wins hands down. Is it a chemical problem in my brain like so many are apt to say? Maybe. Maybe that's why I have sought out different drugs and booze over the years. My way of fucking with my internal chemistry to see if I can 'fix' what is wrong with me. Obviously I haven't fixed a damn thing, only put things on hold. Overdose of a endorphins and dopamine please, aisle 12. And guess what? I am not alone in this. Every alcoholic, drug addict, marathon runner, extreme sports junkie, poker player, rock star, actor, accountant, police officer, dentist - whatever - has the same fucking problem. We are trying to push those endorphins and escalate the dopamine in our brains to shut down that tiny voice that says 'fuck this. just jump'. Some of us can admit it, some think it's other things pushing them, some never realize they are even doing it. We look for love. We look for drugs. We look for thrills. We look for something to kill the nothing. Sometimes you have the flash of realization where you know there is NOTHING that can truly kill the nothing inside and you go bang. It's the struggle of every day finding that one thing that STOPS you from pulling the trigger. Friends. Family. A good book. A good meal. A bubble bath. A moment of silence. The bills being paid for a day. Whatever it is. You take that ONE MOMENT out of a thousand fucked up mundane moments and you hold on to it until it burns up and fades and you need another one before you choose the other alternative. For the most part I have been able to find that one moment every day for the last 25 fucking years. Some days it's harder than others. Some days you come close. You have the knife on the table. You have the gun in the house. You take a pill so you can sleep through it. You drink a drink to knock yourself unconscious instead of staying awake and thinking more about how easier it would be if you didn't have to work so fucking hard. You snort the line of coke and let it wash over you because then you can hide in the momentary bliss it creates. But then you need another. Another bump. Another drink. Another pill. Because we get numb. Always numb. People say they don't understand celebrities who commit suicide. "Oh they had everything". No they didn't. They had the same thing you and I have - the unending need to find a moment where the chemicals in our head are in balance for enough hours to get us through yet another day. The pharmaceutical companies get this - cymbalta, xanax, zoloft, lithium - and a hundred other anti-depressant medications are available for the taking. Legally. All you have to do is ask. But what does that accomplish? Yes, you have put the chemicals in the head in balance or at least in balance enough for you to function until your meatsuit rots away and you die anyway. So which is worse? A life of pills where you never really feel because you are numb just to wear a mask of normalcy? Or a life of never ending attempts at thrills and adrenaline rushes to keep the head in check? Or a life of drugs and booze and meaningless love affairs to do the same? Or just admitting that we are all fucked in the head and ending it once and for all? Seriously. Think about that.
Ok, just a few thoughts, eh? Yesterday was ups and down obviously. I went to work and ran into some major troubles with the reports I was working on for the client. I spent most of the day kicking off processes and then sitting and waiting for an hour for them to finish. I ended up watching 5 episodes of Eureka thanks to Netflix streaming.
After work I talked to my sister. My niece is doing okay. I can't believe the process for having an abortion these days; they give them a pill. Literally, a pill. She takes the pill, has anti-biotics, takes two more pills today and done. Talk about depersonalizing the whole thing. I honestly don't know how I feel about it. While I think she did the right thing by not keeping the child, I am torn up about how I feel about this. I am still thinking through all the ramifications.
Around 7 I went to my friend's house to help her fix some stuff in her apartment. Her husband is on the road and the maintenance guys only do so much. I ended up fixing her closet track for her. She made me an awesome chicken and bacon salad in return. We then proceeded to polish of three bottles of wine. I was there until around 1. Yes, I am functioning on very little sleep right now. I need to go pick up a CD from another friend for the kid for her birthday, and then head out to the client for a presentation meeting. We are showing the reports that drove me nuts yesterday. I will probably be out there late again. Which really sucks as I need to go to bed around 8 tonight as I am up three tomorrow to start the birthday weekend extravaganza. I am SO going to need a nap at some point. I might crawl out to my car and take a small break.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Y2 D251
I wonder how people who have never considered suicide feel. Do they see those of us who do as monsters or aliens? It must be such a foreign concept to them; the thought of taking one's own life. They have never experienced pain or solitude or grief deep enough to think that death would be a better alternative. Do they envy those of us who do things these things? Do they pity us? I watch people who have suffered through the loss of a friend or loved one through suicide and for so many they seem to take the blame upon themselves. Always remember this - it wasn't you. You didn't drive them to the edge and honestly there probably wasn't anything you could do to save them. When the darkness eats you up inside for too long, you can't be pulled back out. It doesn't matter how much you wish you could have been there for them, they were already gone. You don't come to decisions like this overnight. Some people do I guess, but even I don't understand that. I don't understand how you can be impulsive enough to make a decision like that lightly. No, I think in most cases it's a long thought process that culminates in a final act. You hope that you will never go through with it, but it's just one more thing after another until you decide you have no more hope, no more options, no other choices, no last chances... That's the day that I think we all dread. The day of the final decision. The last decision you think you will ever have to make. It might be a relief in some ways. No more worrying or wondering about how you are going to summon the courage and strength to get out of bed one more day and put on the suit of sanity and compassion while inside teeming with self-doubt, self-loathing, fear, and dread.
I worry more and more that I will be alone forever. I am sorry, I do. Everyone says there is someone out there for everyone. It's because they don't want to think about that alternative. The simple truth that maybe some of us aren't capable of relationships. That we are not suitable mates. That we are set down a path of being by ourselves. This leads to those thoughts above because we are a species that thrives on social contact. Without it, we lose some small part of our humanity. And as that humanity gets slowly drained day after day, year after year, what's left? A shell. No one wants the shell. No one wants an empty person who feels so cold and isolated and lonely that they forgotten what is appropriate behavior. That's when you even have left the point of being able to function in society like a normal person. Up until that point you can still fake it long enough each day to hold a job and collect your paycheck. When you get home though, you can crawl inside yourself and not care.
I got some interesting news yesterday. I called J to see if she was going to be around when the kid and I go down later in the week. Turns out last week she got a scare with her mother and has moved 90 miles from me. Her mother has cancer. She moved there to be close to her mother to help her through this. They go to the doctor on Friday to see how severe things are. I am probably going to go see her Sunday. I haven't seen her in almost a year. I wonder how I will feel. Will my DID syndrome kick in? That would be 'Damsel in Distress'. Knowing her mother has cancer sparks that protector in me. I all of a sudden feel the need to take care of her. As long as she doesn't try exploiting it, we will be fine. But I can't help wanting to 'protect' her. It's what I do, right?
I got one of my tax forms in the mail yesterday. Here comes another ass raping. I can't afford to have someone do my taxes this year yet, I am not sure I am capable of doing them myself. I need to figure out what alternatives in terms of electronic software are available to me. I am hoping I won't get too ass raped by the government although it's unlikely this will end well.
Ate a shit ton of leftovers last night because I don't want things to go bad while I am gone in a couple of days. I am really looking forward to this weekend with the kid, but at the same time I am stressing about it beyond belief. I have to hide my stress for her sake. Crying alone in the dark at night will work. Now that she is going to be 18, it won't be long now before she doesn't need me and I can... I can what? Move more towards the decision in the first paragraph? Hide my head in the sand? I don't know any more...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)