Y2 D251

I wonder how people who have never considered suicide feel. Do they see those of us who do as monsters or aliens? It must be such a foreign concept to them; the thought of taking one's own life. They have never experienced pain or solitude or grief deep enough to think that death would be a better alternative. Do they envy those of us who do things these things? Do they pity us? I watch people who have suffered through the loss of a friend or loved one through suicide and for so many they seem to take the blame upon themselves. Always remember this - it wasn't you. You didn't drive them to the edge and honestly there probably wasn't anything you could do to save them. When the darkness eats you up inside for too long, you can't be pulled back out. It doesn't matter how much you wish you could have been there for them, they were already gone. You don't come to decisions like this overnight. Some people do I guess, but even I don't understand that. I don't understand how you can be impulsive enough to make a decision like that lightly. No, I think in most cases it's a long thought process that culminates in a final act. You hope that you will never go through with it, but it's just one more thing after another until you decide you have no more hope, no more options, no other choices, no last chances... That's the day that I think we all dread. The day of the final decision. The last decision you think you will ever have to make. It might be a relief in some ways. No more worrying or wondering about how you are going to summon the courage and strength to get out of bed one more day and put on the suit of sanity and compassion while inside teeming with self-doubt, self-loathing, fear, and dread. 

I worry more and more that I will be alone forever. I am sorry, I do. Everyone says there is someone out there for everyone. It's because they don't want to think about that alternative. The simple truth that maybe some of us aren't capable of relationships. That we are not suitable mates. That we are set down a path of being by ourselves. This leads to those thoughts above because we are a species that thrives on social contact. Without it, we lose some small part of our humanity. And as that humanity gets slowly drained day after day, year after year, what's left? A shell. No one wants the shell. No one wants an empty person who feels so cold and isolated and lonely that they forgotten what is appropriate behavior. That's when you even have left the point of being able to function in society like a normal person. Up until that point you can still fake it long enough each day to hold a job and collect your paycheck. When you get home though, you can crawl inside yourself and not care.

I got some interesting news yesterday. I called J to see if she was going to be around when the kid and I go down later in the week. Turns out last week she got a scare with her mother and has moved 90 miles from me. Her mother has cancer. She moved there to be close to her mother to help her through this. They go to the doctor on Friday to see how severe things are. I am probably going to go see her Sunday. I haven't seen her in almost a year. I wonder how I will feel. Will my DID syndrome kick in? That would be 'Damsel in Distress'. Knowing her mother has cancer sparks that protector in me. I all of a sudden feel the need to take care of her. As long as she doesn't try exploiting it, we will be fine. But I can't help wanting to 'protect' her. It's what I do, right?

I got one of my tax forms in the mail yesterday. Here comes another ass raping. I can't afford to have someone do my taxes this year yet, I am not sure I am capable of doing them myself. I need to figure out what alternatives in terms of electronic software are available to me. I am hoping I won't get too ass raped by the government although it's unlikely this will end well.

Ate a shit ton of leftovers last night because I don't want things to go bad while I am gone in a couple of days. I am really looking forward to this weekend with the kid, but at the same time I am stressing about it beyond belief. I have to hide my stress for her sake. Crying alone in the dark at night will work. Now that she is going to be 18, it won't be long now before she doesn't need me and I can... I can what? Move more towards the decision in the first paragraph? Hide my head in the sand? I don't know any more...