Y2 D252

Before we get into yesterday, some more thoughts on a different topic:
Sometimes people ask me if I am really serious when I discuss being suicidal. Seriously? You think I would joke about something like that? I mean, yeah I have a dark fucking sense of humor, but come on. Even I am not that bad. Well, ok I am but not when it comes to this. I have been suicidal in some form or other for 25 fucking years. Since the day my mother died and my step-father walked out on me. Kind of fucks with you if you know what I mean. Add to that low self-esteem, weight issues, a cheating wife, job losses, multiple divorces, financial issues, physical issues, etc, etc, etc. The last 25 years in many ways have not been good to me. I have had moments of happiness, but when I step back and look at the percentage of happy versus unhappy? Unhappy wins hands down. Is it a chemical problem in my brain like so many are apt to say? Maybe. Maybe that's why I have sought out different drugs and booze over the years. My way of fucking with my internal chemistry to see if I can 'fix' what is wrong with me. Obviously I haven't fixed a damn thing, only put things on hold. Overdose of a endorphins and dopamine please, aisle 12. And guess what? I am not alone in this. Every alcoholic, drug addict, marathon runner, extreme sports junkie, poker player, rock star, actor, accountant, police officer, dentist - whatever - has the same fucking problem. We are trying to push those endorphins and escalate the dopamine in our brains to shut down that tiny voice that says 'fuck this. just jump'. Some of us can admit it, some think it's other things pushing them, some never realize they are even doing it. We look for love. We look for drugs. We look for thrills. We look for something to kill the nothing. Sometimes you have the flash of realization where you know there is NOTHING that can truly kill the nothing inside and you go bang. It's the struggle of every day finding that one thing that STOPS you from pulling the trigger. Friends. Family. A good book. A good meal. A bubble bath. A moment of silence. The bills being paid for a day. Whatever it is. You take that ONE MOMENT out of a thousand fucked up mundane moments and you hold on to it until it burns up  and fades and you need another one before you choose the other alternative. For the most part I have been able to find that one moment every day for the last 25 fucking years. Some days it's harder than others. Some days you come close. You have the knife on the table. You have the gun in the house. You take a pill so you can sleep through it. You drink a drink to knock yourself unconscious instead of staying awake and thinking more about how easier it would be if you didn't have to work so fucking hard. You snort the line of coke and let it wash over you because then you can hide in the momentary bliss it creates. But then you need another. Another bump. Another drink. Another pill. Because we get numb. Always numb. People say they don't understand celebrities who commit suicide. "Oh they had everything". No they didn't. They had the same thing you and I have - the unending need to find a moment where the chemicals in our head are in balance for enough hours to get us through yet another day. The pharmaceutical companies get this - cymbalta, xanax, zoloft, lithium - and a hundred other anti-depressant medications are available for the taking. Legally.  All you have to do is ask. But what does that accomplish? Yes, you have put the chemicals in the head in balance or at least in balance enough for you to function until your meatsuit rots away and you die anyway. So which is worse? A life of pills where you never really feel because you are numb just to wear a mask of normalcy? Or a life of never ending attempts at thrills and adrenaline rushes to keep the head in check? Or a life of drugs and booze and meaningless love affairs to do the same? Or just admitting that we are all fucked in the head and ending it once and for all? Seriously. Think about that.


Ok, just a few thoughts, eh? Yesterday was ups and down obviously. I went to work and ran into some major troubles with the reports I was working on for the client. I spent most of the day kicking off processes and then sitting and waiting for an hour for them to finish. I ended up watching 5 episodes of Eureka thanks to Netflix streaming. 


After work I talked to my sister. My niece is doing okay. I can't believe the process for having an abortion these days; they give them a pill. Literally, a pill. She takes the pill, has anti-biotics, takes two more pills today and done. Talk about depersonalizing the whole thing. I honestly don't know how I feel about it. While I think she did the right thing by not keeping the child, I am torn up about how I feel about this. I am still thinking through all the ramifications.


Around 7 I went to my friend's house to help her fix some stuff in her apartment. Her husband is on the road and the maintenance guys only do so much. I ended up fixing her closet track for her. She made me an awesome chicken and bacon salad in return. We then proceeded to polish of three bottles of wine. I was there until around 1. Yes, I am functioning on very little sleep right now. I need to go pick up a CD from another friend for the kid for her birthday, and then head out to the client for a presentation meeting. We are showing the reports that drove me nuts yesterday. I will probably be out there late again. Which really sucks as I need to go to bed around 8 tonight as I am up three tomorrow to start the birthday weekend extravaganza. I am SO going to need a nap at some point. I might crawl out to my car and take a small break.