Y4 D127

Before I go off on yesterday, a serious note. Depression is real people. Please don't discount how I am feeling right now. For those of you who know me personally, you know I have been diagnosed as bi-polar. This means I go through these periods of severe highs and severe lows. That doesn't mean I have 'good' days and 'bad' days. No, it means I have 'I AM KING OF THE WORLD' days and 'FUCK THIS I AM GOING TO JUST END IT' days. With little in between. Yes, it's a fucked up way to live. Yes, it makes it hard for my friends to understand. But my REAL friends do understand. They stand by me no matter what. They know that when I am at the low point of a down cycle the best thing to do is just make sure I am still around but otherwise leave me alone. Conversely when I am spiking high, make sure I am safe and stay out of the way. On both ends I am going to say and do things that will drive you nuts. You will hate me and love me. All I ask is that you're there for me. In whatever capacity you can handle.

The biggest question I get asked is why don't I take meds. I have tried medication before and all it did was turn me into a fucking zombie. I didn't even realize how numb I was getting while I was on them. But I felt NOTHING. I became another zombie. I did my job, I cleaned my house, I followed the rules. That was worse than having to survive through these episodes. And yes, I do mean survive. Because even on the highs, I can be prone to doing things others would think insane. You've read this blog, you've seen the mornings where I have woken up to find myself naked, broke, hungover, and not sure how I got home. That's only partially due to drugs and alcohol. It's also due to my brain shutting down when I spike. My base instincts take over and I have no restraints. I am pure impulse on those days. At the same time, when you see I have deleted all my facebook posts, or when I don't return texts, or phone calls, or want to hang out, it's me not you. Truly. I cannot take human interaction when I am at that point. But meds were worse. Maybe someone will find a cocktail that balances things out. Maybe someone will get me to the right dosage of things that will still allow me to feel as passionate about things as I do without having to go to the extremes. Maybe electroshock therapy is the answer. Reboot my brain as it were. Maybe I can learn to function like a normal person. Maybe. And maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass...

So no meds and wild personality swings. What's not to love, right?

Did my training yesterday. Part 2 today. 14 people. For the most part it went well. There's always one in every class that has to be trouble. It's even harder when it's done remote and I can't walk up to them and help them. But we got through it and everyone seems happy. Finished around 4:30. Starting today at 8, hopefully will finish around 3:30. After class kid and I went to the store for food. Had steaks and sweet potato fries for dinner. Watched some TV, played some Diablo, went to bed.

I did have a blast from the past last night. Stalker texted me. She is apparently alive and well. She has moved back closer to me. I may go see her just to make sure she truly is okay. If she is suffering from half the depression I am, I want to make sure she lives yet another day. If she is just looking for attention, well, I can give her that to some degree too. Not a big degree, but some. It's the human thing to do and I am trying to be human.