Y5 D203

Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have B? I can't say that enough, believe me. Yesterday was one of those days where if I didn't have her, I would be typing a much different entry this morning. The universe as it is want to do, decided to fuck with me. Oh, you're happy? We can fix that. Let's send you into a spiral of self loathing and depression. Ready? Here it comes...

The universe decided to send the past 3000 miles and bitchslap me in the face. Here's how it did it. I log into my bank account to check balances and make sure everything is cool. I see this weird account listed down the bottom I have never seen. I click on it and it's my old mortgage which mind you has been closed for four years. It is showing a zero balance but there are $1100 listed in late and processing fees. WTF? But wait that's not all. Guess who's listed as the primary contact? Yep. X2 and her current address. I call the bank and they have no idea why it just showed up. They can't remove it though because it is showing those late fees. I have to write a physical letter to have it investigated. Fuck me. Then I did the stupid thing. I googled the address listed. Yeah I know. I could have let it go, but come on, you would have done the same thing. And guess what? She is now living in a house she bought about 1 year ago in Boca. 3500 sq ft 3 bed 2.5 bath with office loft, swimming pool, on a 10,000 sq ft lot. For 400,000. Are you fucking kidding me?? This of course pissed me off, depressed me, and sent me into a spiral of regretting every decision I have made for the last five years. I made me pissed that she got to walk away clean and had enough to do this. It pissed me off that I was straddled with all the debt. It pissed me off that I moved back where I did where 400,000 won't even get me a condo. Just everything collapsed onto itself on me. I was wrecked. I tried to distract myself with work and did paperwork and sat through a webinar. Then at 1pm I tried to go to Best Buy just to get out of the house and get ink for the printer only to get there and find I left the piece of paper with the cartridge numbers on my desk. Wasted time and trip just like my life - that's how I was feeling. Then at 3 B came home. I told her everything that had gone on and she understood. She also understood exactly why I looked up the address. She agreed she would have done the same thing. Mostly I was feeling horrible because I want B to have a good life and here I am still living in a fucking apartment while X2 is in a 3500 sq ft house. Which by the way is probably way too big for her. But whatever. Even if she has someone, two people in that big of a house? Perfect if you're cold hearted and want to be surrounded by empty space? And the real kicker? I explained to B how even if I could afford it, I don't know why it is so upsetting to me. I would never live in that area (did you know almost 25% of the population is over 65?) nor would I want a house like that. I wouldn't want the pool. It's in a cookie cutter community. It's everything I have come to hate. But yet it still bugs me. Without B I would have drank myself into a deeper depression. Having someone to talk through things with made the difference. I am still not over it (thanks universe) but I was able to get it out of my system instead of letting it eat me up. Thank god for her. And I do. Every day.

She ended up having to go back to work from 5 until 8 so I ordered a pizza and then decided to go back to Best Buy. BIG mistake. It took me 15 minutes to get there, 10 inside, and then FIFTY SEVEN minutes to get home. That of course just made me hate where I live even more. I really do want to leave this area when our lease is up. It's the only way. I can truly put ALL of the past behind me and move forward. I can have a nice house and not be stressed all the time. I have to. Otherwise I might go insane.

When B got home at 8 we ate pizza and watched some TV. She actually fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. I put her to bed and followed soon after at 10. We both are free today. Hopefully we will have a good day.