ANA Y1 D365

Well here we are folks, the dream we all dream of - I survived another year. Another memorial day weekend is up on me. My 14th since I started writing this damn blog. 5000 posts later and I am still standing bitches. Although, this last year there were some touch and go moments. In the past I was afraid I would die because I got too drunk and did something stupid. In this last year it looked like I might actually take my own life. But yet, I made it. Thankfully as I now have something (someone) to truly live for in this world. Now I don't ever want to leave. I need another 40-50 years with her people. I need another 40-50 years as my true self. I will still be writing this shit too people. Mark my words. I will document the whole messy thing called life. Watch me. What a year though eh? My THIRD marriage fell apart. This time not because of me, but more because it was never really there in the first place, now was it. You know what I mean by that. I settled once again like I always did. I swore I would kill to protect what I had. In my many ways I did. But the reality is what I was protecting wasn't my relationship or the person - it was the clawing back up. It was putting this roof over my head. It was defining my life by my rules. Guess what, still here. Still alive. I see how I look at C versus how I looked at B. I have that look that people always say "gosh I wish someone looked at me that way". I didn't even cry at our wedding but I cried at  the look on C's face when she saw me in that dress at the bridal shop. She looks at ME that way too. Is this something magical about her? No, for the first time ever, it's because this relationship has no secrets. Nothing under the surface that I am hiding. I am in this relationship truly as me. I am giving 100% of me to this. It makes a difference. I know I have been given more do overs in my life than any one person deserves and I am grateful for every single one. This is it though. This is my last life. This cat has used them all up. If I fuck up this time around, I'm out of the game for good. I'm done. So yes, I am in this 100%. I started writing about C almost 9 months ago. Yeah, it's been that long. I said if I get another 10 years, blah blah blah. No. I want it all this time. I want the long game. I want the whole package. I am not restraining my feelings or my passions or my desires. I am not idling sitting by quietly. I am not holding my tongue for fear of a fight. I am open, exposed, and raw. I am giving myself 100%. My desire is that in 12 months from now, May of 2024, we will be just shy of 2 years in our relationship, and I will be planning for a wedding. I will be planning to be bonded to someone who also is giving 100%. This last year has ripped back the skin of everything. I thank my therapist for much of that. I also thank B for living their best life. Well, you all know what I mean by that. Because technically I am bankrolling their best life. But you know what I mean. I got out. I truly got out. I didn't so much come out as I blew up the closet I have been hiding in since I was 12 years old. You see it in the 951 pictures I posted of our trip. Which dear reader, if you'd like to see, just email me and I will add you to the share. I am smiling more in these pictures than I have ever smiled in my entire life. Everyone I know who has seen the pictures has said the same thing. "You look happy." "I've never seen you smile like that." Because these last 365 days have been the whirlwind that has brought me here. I went through hell once more. It seems I have a direct path there, doesn't it? But there are no more chances. This time I have to get it right. Sit back, enjoy the ride, and let's do this one more time, shall we?

Yesterday was bills, work, groceries, etc. Made paninis for dinner. Watched some tv. C's stomach was upset and it derailed our other plans, but it's okay. Today we're going to a BBQ and I will be seeing some people I haven't seen in over six months. This should be interesting.