Y3 D36

Maybe you're right. Maybe I do try too hard. But it's not to be "liked", rather to be accepted. To be loved for who I am not who I am wanted to be. I don't hide things anymore because I want to be taken for all I have to offer. I don't know.

A miracle did happen. I got a *small* check from J yesterday. Amazing. She still owes me a shit ton of money but at this point I am happy to get anything from her. Otherwise it was a pretty uneventful day. Work. Commute. X-files. Bed. Kid went to her first union meeting and training class. Fucking unions. They want her, an 18 year old part time worker, to pay a $400 initiation fee and then $400 a year in dues. I tried keeping my opinion to myself but unfortunately I stressed her out. Sometimes she is like her mother, too emotional about things. I am going to try and keep my mouth shut on this one, but still, it's fucked in my mind.

Y3 D30

My commercial went out yesterday! So far it has a whopping 32 views. Oh well. I am trying to push it (there's a link on my facebook page for those of you who know my actual identity. Go watch it!!) but so far slow going. Had a really good day yesterday.

I did spend a little bit of it in my head, but not too much and not in a really bad way. Just more in some introspective thinking going on kind of way. I was thinking about how much more free I am these days to truly be me. This is not a bad thing. I can be who I want to be not who others want me to be even if who I want to be doesn't always line up with others expectations of who I should be. Got that? Good. Moving on...

Went to work and spent the majority of the day in a training class. Followed by another 3 or so hours of document writing. Work was uneventful and pretty mellow. After work, the kid met me and we tried again our adventure from last Friday. This time it worked much better. We went and did some quick shopping, nothing major as we were looking for one stupid thing for tonight's show. Didn't find it, but we got to spend some time together. We then met one of my friends and had indian food. MUCH better and less expensive place. Real authentic food too. I was definitely happier about that part of it. We then went to her car after a taxi ride that scared us all. I mean this guy was nuts. I know I drive quickly, but he got us all the way across the city in $11 which is insane. It should have been a $20 cab ride but this guy hit warp speed. Afterwards my friend told me she had her eyes closed for half the ride.

Got back to my place around 9:30 or so and the three of us sat and watched a movie. Had some wine, watched a bad Nicky Cage movie and she left around 1. A good relaxing day.

Today I am helping a friend move this morning followed by a show tonight. THEN THE PARADE TOMORROW!!

Y3 D29

A good long day yesterday. I took an early train as I was trying to get in a little earlier to have a meeting with my client. Problem was it was TOO early. I was trying to take the 6:13 and ended up on the 5:54. While I was happy to be in the office early, it just made for an awfully long day. I got home around 5:40 and then took off to help a friend shoot an online commercial for his company's software product. That took until 11:30. I didn't get into bed until midnight last night.

Overall it was a pretty boring day to be honest with you. The shooting for the commercial was fun. I am actually the star of the commercial and we shot about 19 scenes (all 1 - 2 seconds) in about 3 hours. Then we did some quick edits. It should be going online some time today. It will be an online only ad campaign for now, but I am under contract with them for another 15 hours of shooting over six months. What do I get out of this? A motorola xoom. Oh yeah. Another case where a toy is easier to get approved than cash.

Ok, boring stuff. Off to work. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you about my shopping adventure at lunch yesterday...

Y3 D28

Worked from home yesterday. First time doing so at the new company. I had an appointment at 8:30 and if I tried to take the train afterwards, I would have missed at least one if not two meetings. Right now I am in the middle of requirements gathering with a client and most of the day was spent on the phone with her. Add to that a training session and it wasn't a big deal that I worked remotely. The day did manage to speed by somehow though. It seemed like I was getting up and next thing I know it's 5pm. I kind of like that. I did also manage to get laundry done. Holy crap the kid has massive laundry. I ended up doing three loads yesterday because of her. I did do towels and all mine, but still she added a whole extra load. Damn good thing she got a job. Speaking of that she went yesterday and filled out her paperwork. She is officially employed and starts on the 30th. I am very proud of her. She has to go to a Safeway orientation and a union orientation, but whatever. It's a job, she got it on her own, and she is handling it. Very impressed. Point being, she will get paid weekly and even with the union deductions she will get about $175 a week after taxes. For her this will be great. I plan to have her give me $50 a week towards household stuff, like laundry and gas, but I will probably put half of it away in savings. A hundred extra a month will be great for me and that will still give her a hundred a month going into savings she doesn't know about. Winning. Made a nice spinach salad and grilled cheese for dinner. After dinner we went over to my director's house just to hang out. About 8 of us total just hanging out and shooting the shit. Nice to be amongst friends. Got home around 11 and off to bed. I took an early train this morning which I will NOT do again. More on that tomorrow.

Y3 D27

Big news first - the kid got a job. She goes in today to fill out her paperwork. She is now an employee of Starfuckers inside of a Safeway. Upside? She's employed! Downside? She has to join a union and is about to be an employee of a company I can't stand. But the upside outweighs my personal opinions 10000:1 on this one.

Honestly that's about the only thing of interest that happened yesterday. Went to work, spent 2.5 hours on the phone with a client reviewing requirements, sat through another 3-4 hours of training, came home. We did a big plate of fruit last night for dinner since neither of us wanted anything hot. We did go have a celebratory fro-yo for dessert.

Watched a movie called SLC Punk followed by one episode of X-Files. We have been watching for over a week now and we're only 19 episodes into it. Only 183 to go. Plus the movie.

Went to bed around 10ish. My mind is still not where it should be regarding everything else, but I am putting the mask on, burying it down, and moving forward. It's all I can do.

Y3 D21

Started my first real project yesterday at work. Felt good to actually be useful. I worked on the kickoff presentation for the client as well as scheduled meetings with the sales person and the sales engineer. Today I get to follow up and talk with the client for the first time. I will actually be doing only half of the technical work as one of the other consultants will be shadowing me on the back end stuff. But from the front end, I will be the point person in communication with the client and handling the project part.

Best part? No travel. The client is in Virginia - customer - I keep using the word client because that's what I am used to, but I have to remember this isn't a consulting company it's a software company and these are customers. Not a big difference, but there is. The other thing I need to remember is I am not management any more. This goes hand in hand with the travel thing. These people may never see me face to face. I will remain some guy on the phone in another state. The big thing is I could dress more casual if I chose. I have been going in every day in 'consultant' wear while I look around and half the people are in jeans including the CEO and President. Ah startups. But I will wait another week or two before I go casual. Let it happen naturally.

I also confirmed with my boss that for normal days my hours are working. I am getting in around 7:40 and leaving around 4:40. This lets me catch a 5:14 train which is an express and gets me home around 5:40. I can handle that.

Got home, made the kid and me some dinner, then sat down and watched three more episodes of X-Files. Three a day is our goal. We have 202 total and I think we are now on episode 10. Before summer is over, we will have watched everything.

Also sold the old bed I was holding on to for her. Managed to get $200 for it which I will use to buy me a new mattress on Sunday. My hips and back are killing me and I know it's the bed. Hopefully this will relieve some of the pain I am having when I am sleeping.

Did one more thing I should mention - I decided to create an account on Zoosk. Let's see if anything comes of it once I get my profile filled in on there.

Y3 D20

I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. She accused me of 'holding back' on what I write here and I agreed with her. She thinks out of protection for some of you who read this, I keep things close to my chest. She's right. But it's more than protecting you, it's protecting me. If I admit some of the other things going on in my head or who I am, then I have to face them and no one wants that. She also called me a 'damaged and wounded soul'. Yep. I am. Lastly we talked about how I have no clue how to make myself happy because I am too busy worrying about other people's happiness.

All of this is giving me food for thought and I am going to process it over the next couple of days and use the weekend to write a long introspective post. You have been warned.

As for work, another day of training although it looks like I might start a client today. I got an SOW late last night from my boss that he wants me to review. Yay! I am so ready to do some real work.

Ran to the train as I had a late meeting but still managed to be home at a decent time. The kid and I had pork chops for dinner and watched three more episodes of the X-Files. 7 down, 195 to go. She has been applying for jobs and heard back from Starbucks. Looks like she might get an interview this week. I am rooting for her.

Y3 D19

Life just keeps moving forward, doesn't it? It's been two weeks since the kid graduated, three weeks since I started the new job, a week since we were starting vacation; things just never stop. They just keep plowing forward and nothing really ever changes. Just the same thing on and on again until we collapse.

Worked yesterday obviously. Still not engaged with customers, instead still training. Will be for at least another 1 - 1 1/2 weeks. Not complaining mind you, just feeling useless. I did get a ride home from a friend who happened to be in the city yesterday which was nice. I also setup my auto-pay for my commuter checks. $100 a paycheck, pre-tax which I get reimbursed roughly around the 20th of the month. When I get the reimbursement check it will go straight on my commuter card. Until then I have to pay out of pocket which kind of sucks, but as long as I keep receipts, I am okay. Technically it becomes a tax write off.

Finished up an online driver's training class last night I had to take to avoid a point on my license. I had been procrastinating it for a while and started over the weekend. Three hours of watching lame ass videos and slides. That was on top of the four hours I spent over the weekend.

Watched the next episode of the X-Files with the kid. 198 to go. That's about it. My head is still not 100% where it should be, but I am back to recognizing it at least which allows me to work on it and force it back into place.

Y3 D18

I did something yesterday and magically the world didn't end! Well if it did, it doesn't look any different. Does this mean I don't have to go to work today? Oh no wait, nope, world is still here...

What did I do? Something I should have done two years ago. I went through some boxes that have been in the kid's room forever. In those boxes were old pictures, christmas/birthday/anniversary/valentines etc cards. I went through and separated pictures that don't belong to me to send back to X2's family, and then started throwing out the rest. The irony of the exercise was I found more cards I had given to HER than the other way around. On top of that, I kept noticing how often I was apologizing for one thing or another - 'sorry about that fight', 'sorry I did this/that/the other thing'. That's just not right. And I am not talking any particular time period, it was over a good decade worth of stuff. Here I am apologizing or trying to make her feel better. Fuck that. Some days I beat myself in the head for not seeing the signs on the wall sooner. I am so damn afraid of being alone forever that I take the abuse. At least I used to be. Even if I never have another relationship again, I *might* be able to handle it now. Might. Don't like the thought, but it also doesn't paralyze me (right this moment) and cause me to be with someone just because. I am coming up on nine months 100% alone and well, it is what it is.

Part of the reason for going through the boxes was to make room for the kid. She needs to finish getting her room together and that's one of her tasks for the week. She now has no excuses. That was the extent of our day yesterday. I ran an errand to replace a broken ironing board, but otherwise didn't leave the house. Did an online Driver's School training class that I have been procrastinating about. Still have 40% left and need to finish it tonight.

We started in watching X-Files last night. We plan to watch all 202 episodes in order. 3 down.

Off to work. Let another week begin.

Y3 D17

Time flies like an arrow, fruit like a banana...

I am so glad we decided to drive home Friday instead of yesterday. Having a full two days around the house is nice. Yesterday was a good day. Managed to catch up on things, like grocery shopping. That was about it during the day. We got up slow and didn't do much in the morning. Headed to the grocery store around 10 or 11, then went over to my friend's house for a costume swap. Really that was for the kid, I just kind of hung out with her husband. She had some friends over to exchange different clothes for one of the roles all the girls play which the kid will play at some point according to our director. After that we came home played a little Little Big Planet 2, and had dinner. I went over to my director's house around 9 to hang out while the kid stayed at home to recharge her batteries. It would appear I am back in the good graces of everyone after my drunken debacle last saturday night. Which is a good thing. Came home kind of late, but not too bad. Had a nice time hanging out with people.

All in all a positive day.

Y3 D16

Made it home in one piece. Now that I am home, my life can settle back down a bit and I can get back into a normal posting routine. Let's backtrack to Thursday before I do yesterday. Took the kid and my two nieces to Seattle on Thursday. Our first stop was the Fremont Troll under the bridge. That was so very cool. Got pictures of the girls all standing on or around the troll. If you've never seen it, it's worth the time. It was built years ago as a halloween prank and everyone loved it so much they never tore it down. Instead they even changed the street name to troll avenue.

After the troll we went to the EMP. Wow. That place was incredible. From the punk exhibit to the history of guitars to the Battlestar area, the flying Blade Runner car, it was nerd heaven. I was just lost in a sea of nerdy goodness. We spent a few hours there and then decided to wander around the downtown area nearby. Our first stop was Thai food as we were all starving. We found a great place where we were able to sit in the window on the floor and eat. The food was great, but it was the ambience and the floor sitting that made it perfect. After that the girls all wanted to go shop so I tagged along and stayed out of their way. Finally we wrapped up by having pie at 'Pie'. Yes, that's it name. Pie. It was freaking great. Best pies we had ever had. Little mini-pies in a perfect buttery crust. We headed back and my nieces went off to a friend's graduation while me and the kid hung out with my dad and his wife. Very relaxing as we packed up and prepared to leave in the morning.

We headed out about 5am yesterday and drove for about 300 miles before stopping at the Wild Animal Safari in Winston OR. 600 acre drive through wildlife park. We had a giraffe inches from us, an emu try and attack us, and saw so many cool animals. It was worth the pit stop. We spent about two hours there total and then got back on the road.

We rolled in about 8pm and unpacked. I am very lucky to have the relationship I do with my kid. It did not feel like a 12 or 13 hour trip for either of us. We talked, she read to me from her 'Big Book of Punk Lists', we made fun of other drivers, picked music together, etc. It was a good road trip.

Now that we are home, I did laundry last night, we have no show today so the whole weekend is ours. I need to get us some groceries for the next few days, but otherwise, no obligations. I like that. My head is starting to be back where it needs to be regarding X2. It took a week and being on vacation to immerse myself in something else, but it's almost there.

Y3 D15

Heading home and about to get on the road for 12 hours so I don't have time for a full post. But yesterday was a big pile of awesome wrapped in incredible. The Experience Music Project in Seattle is a MUST SEE for anyone traveling up there. Between the museum, the troll, the pie, the company, oh my, it was just a fantastic non-stop day. I was finally truly relaxed and not worried about ex-wives or other people's drama for once. I promise a full update tomorrow on two days. Once this vacation is over, I will get back into my normal pattern of writing and posting.

Y3 D12

The pain's not ashamed to repeat itself...


I am doing a little better today but not 100%. I don't know why it's eating at me the way it is. It's stupid. On a purely logical level I know this. I know I am being an idiot. I can't go back, I don't want to go back, but yet there it is. Hanging out there over my goddamn head like the sword of Damocles. I am back to wanting to put the gun in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger. Just make it all stop. I feel worthless, ugly, and not worthy of love. And what is love anyway? Chemical reactions? Undying devotion? Partnership? What the fuck does it mean? How can I find 'love' when I don't even LIKE myself right now? What a wasted life.

Spent the day with my sister and her kid yesterday. We drove my niece's friend home and bummed around the 'city'. Compared to everything else around here it was definitely a city. The girls had fun. As long as everyone else is happy and no one knows what is going on inside this head of mine, then I guess we're okay, right?

Made my sister and her family dinner last night - two different types of crepes. One set with salmon the other with chicken, both with mushrooms, spinach, dill, onion, and a nice cream sauce. Served it with sliced tomatoes and couscous. For dessert I did strawberry banana crepes with nutella. They were happy. Everyone is happy. But me. I am dying inside a little bit more every day. Fuck it. Let the whole thing die. Let it just end.

Y3 D11

Ok here's what happened on Saturday - everything was fine during the day, the kid and I did some stuff around the house like taking care of the rabbits and the cat, packing for our trip, and just relaxing. We both slept in the afternoon to make sure we were awake and ready to go for our planned 1am departure. Everything was great, until about 9pm. At 9 I was chatting online with a friend when they said:

'So guess what - X2's in a relationship'
'Oh (slam in my stomach), how do you know?'
'Well she never posts on fb and I didn't even realize we were still connected until I saw she updated her status from 'it's complicated' to 'in a relationship'. I mean come on it's been two years, it can't bug you that much'.

They are right, it shouldn't bug me that much but it did. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know why, it just did. Pit in my stomach still just typing this. It's not like I have been a celibate monk the last two years and I doubt she has either, but it's the public acknowledgement that hit. Especially since I have been alone for these last eight months. If I was with someone right now or even had someone on the horizon it wouldn't have hurt so much. But I don't and it did. This led to poor decision making. We headed out to the show where I proceeded to drink way too much. So much that I don't remember the show, I don't remember anything except the kid telling me we were home as I was passed out in the back seat of my car. Needless to say we didn't leave at 1 as planned. We ended up leaving at 7:30 yesterday. Took 12 hours to drive to my dad's place and we made it in one piece.

I tried explaining to the kid why I did what I did and all I could tell her was there are many pains in this life that I can try and protect you from, but the pain of a broken heart isn't one of them. When the time comes and someone rips your heart out, you will understand why I acted the way I did last night. There are no excuses for it, but it's the most honest I can be about it.

I publicly apologized in our cast mailing list. I haven't heard the backlash from my actions yet, but I am sure it is coming. I hope that I don't get kicked off cast for this one. I don't think I did anything too out of line other than be a stupid drunk. We will see.

Right now I am on vacation so fuck it. I am good with work, good with my head, still not good with the thought of X2 being happy though. I think in part I wanted her to suffer longer, but hey, it's time to grow up and realize she left me and move on. I do plan when I get back home to take anything in the house that belonged to her, pictures, etc, put them in a box and send them off to her dad. Time to truly sever the fucking cord.

Y2 D352

Looked like we were going to miss or lose a day thanks to blogger being down, but nope, it salvaged Thursday and here it is for Friday. Woo hoo!

So I think at the beginning of every month I am going to print out a calendar. Then on days where I make good decisions, I will post a gold star. Every day I am faced with decisions and half the time I make poor ones. Yes, I know that sounds childish and silly, but remember, I am an over grown narcissistic child with poor impulse control. A gold star to remind me might be just what I need.

What prompted this? I had a company meeting last night which turned into a bit of a going away party for me. It was supposed to just be a regular meeting where they updated everyone on the pipeline but then word got out that I was leaving as a FTE and all hell broke loose. The booze started pouring and everyone starting talking. Funny thing was at the end of the presentation my bosses gave they asked for feedback. I spoke up and said 'If you had done a meeting like this two months ago, I might have been persuaded to stay. Doing it every six months is shit'. They actually appreciated this and understood where I was coming from on the matter.

At the end of the meeting is where decision time came into play. I was three blocks from one of my favorite bars. Three blocks. And trust me, I had to think hard about this one. BUT I came home, did laundry, watched TV and went to bed. Gold fucking star.

Tonight is game night and I have ten people coming over in less than two hours. Need to get ready!

Y2 D351

Charlie Kauffman movies drive me up a fucking wall. You're watching it and 30 minutes or so into you say to yourself 'oh I get it'. You have the whole movie figured out. But then you think 'no, that can't be it, there has to be something else going on. It can't be that straightforward.' Problem is, 60 minutes later, it *was* that straightforward and you're just sitting there unbelieving you just wasted 90 minutes. Don't get me wrong, the movies are excellent but frustrating. Kind of like masturbation...

So I watched a movie last night if you couldn't guess; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Made me think about if I would have someone erased from my mind. Answer? No. You need the knowledge and the pain and the frustration to grow. To make you have character and depth. You can't take the easy way out. That was about the extent of my day, watching a movie. I went to work, did some minor stuff for the client, trained some of his employees, and called it a day. Headed over to Target to get some needed staples like fabric softener, hey it's Thursday, need to do laundry. I like doing it on Thursdays. Came home, made some Joe's Special for dinner, put another coat on the fireplace, and watched a movie. Hit the bed. Slept pretty well. I have been sleeping better, my back not withstanding, ever since I accepted the new job. Maybe because now I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? Or because the thought of something new has my mind at ease rather than at stress levels? Dunno, don't care. Just know I am sleeping which for me is a huge improvement.

Tonight is a work dinner for my current company. I am invited according to my boss. I will go and be polite then come home and do laundry. I also need to clean as tomorrow night I am hosting another game night. Fun fun.

Y2 D350

I have to stop agreeing to help people with things during the week. Once I start the new job this will become extremely essential as I will not have enough time to help out and then catch a morning train. I refuse to drive to this new job unless the world is ending (May 21st, right?) so I have to learn to say no. I helped with the movie last night and didn't get into bed until 12:30. I am very tired this morning. I am glad I have been able to help, but at what cost?

Yesterday overall was a good day. I spent some time yesterday doing a very major exercise. I put together this monster spreadsheet that shows al my debt, all my fixed costs, and my current payments. I then added formulas to figure out at my new salary level how long it will take me to pay everything off. While it's still overwhelming, I at least now see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to update it this weekend with actual interest rates and current total balances. I estimated the total balance and gave a flat 17% interest for everything just to get it put together. This is a huge step for me. It will give me a constant visual reminder of what I am trying to achieve. I will have to look at it all the time and before I go off and make stupid mistakes, I will have the sheet to remind me. Ironic how this is the attitude X2 always wanted me to have but it took her leaving me to achieve it.

The other good thing that happened yesterday is my bosses and I came to terms on everything. I will in fact get my normal paycheck Friday and one more on the 27th. Any money I owe them will be taken out of PTO first, pre-tax, and then I will work off the balance as a contractor after giving them $1000 in cash. It's a win-win for everyone. I should only need about 15-20 hours of side work to completely pay them off. Then I can still work for them part time to supplement my income. This will help with my payoff plans and give me some extra spending cash for savings and toys.

Overall, while tired, it was a good day with some excellent results.

Y2 D349

Today's theme is:

We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.


On the surface there was nothing wrong with yesterday. I went to work, I worked on things for the client, kept my head down, did my job, etc. But on the inside? I was having one of those thinking about X2 days. All day for some fucked up reason. Just different thoughts swirling through my head all day. Managed to get through the day without any incidents. I still haven't heard anything from my current bosses. But I am going to keep going into the office this week until I hear otherwise. Friday will be the big day. If I don't get paid then they can go fuck themselves.

Came home and worked on the fireplace. Got another coat of paint applied. One more and it will be good. I can see it from here and I like it. Adds a splash of color to the room. Back to today's theme...

An old friend - and I do mean old, he dated X1's sister while we were dating back in high school and the four of us went to prom together. That's how old... - posted on FB how he was done with his wife and she had screwed him over, yadda yadda. I sent a message offering to have a drink with him. We might be getting together to catch up and let him dump about his wife.

Slept on the couch last night. My back is hurting and when I sleep on the couch it helps. I need a new mattress at some point. Oh wait, this is why I am taking the new job...

Y2 D348

17 more days and the 'year' will be over. Amazing. My new job will start as this year of writing will end. Nice segue into year three.

Not much to talk about for yesterday. I stayed in mostly with the exception of one quick run to Home Depot to get more stripper and sandpaper. I was able to get through most of the fireplace project yesterday. I got everything stripped and sanded. Finished up by getting one coast of paint laid down. Tonight I want to do the second coat. Since I took it all the way down to bare wood, I expect this to be a three coat project. Other than working on that, didn't do much of anything yesterday. Tried playing a little Mortal Kombat in story mode but my heart wasn't into it. I am stressed out right now because I still haven't heard back from my bosses on anything. I double checked my email access and vpn access just to be sure they are still active.

Didn't talk to anyone yesterday either. Just worked on my project, watched a little animated TV and went to bed. I would like the whole week to be that way too but I doubt it. I have some things already scheduled for this week including another night of shooting on the movie. But tonight is clean. I have some stuff to work on for the client today, but nothing planned for tonight.

Oh my so called life...

Y2 D347

Today is Mother's Day. A day I dislike for a myriad of reasons. First off and most obvious is that my mother dies 26 years ago. I think that in its own right is good enough. But add to that the fact that there is no way I am going to celebrate anything to do with X1 and you have Mother's Day. Bah fucking humbug on this one kids.

Spent the day in the house for the most part yesterday. Had to make a drive over to our director's house to get the van for last night's show, but otherwise, didn't have anything going on during the day. I started my fireplace project as I am calling it. I hate when contractors can't be bothered to do something right. As I started to sand down the fireplace to prep it for painting, I realized that instead of doing what I am doing the bastards have just kept painting over and over it. There were a good nine layers of paint on that thing. I ended up having to use paint stripper and even then I still have a layer to get through today. But it's okay, it kept me occupied as I wanted.

Headed out to the show around 9. Had a good show and was home around 3:30. Nothing exciting happened at the show and no one got yelled at. All in all, a good Saturday.

Now to go finish up the fireplace...