Y3 D36

Maybe you're right. Maybe I do try too hard. But it's not to be "liked", rather to be accepted. To be loved for who I am not who I am wanted to be. I don't hide things anymore because I want to be taken for all I have to offer. I don't know.

A miracle did happen. I got a *small* check from J yesterday. Amazing. She still owes me a shit ton of money but at this point I am happy to get anything from her. Otherwise it was a pretty uneventful day. Work. Commute. X-files. Bed. Kid went to her first union meeting and training class. Fucking unions. They want her, an 18 year old part time worker, to pay a $400 initiation fee and then $400 a year in dues. I tried keeping my opinion to myself but unfortunately I stressed her out. Sometimes she is like her mother, too emotional about things. I am going to try and keep my mouth shut on this one, but still, it's fucked in my mind.

Y3 D30

My commercial went out yesterday! So far it has a whopping 32 views. Oh well. I am trying to push it (there's a link on my facebook page for those of you who know my actual identity. Go watch it!!) but so far slow going. Had a really good day yesterday.

I did spend a little bit of it in my head, but not too much and not in a really bad way. Just more in some introspective thinking going on kind of way. I was thinking about how much more free I am these days to truly be me. This is not a bad thing. I can be who I want to be not who others want me to be even if who I want to be doesn't always line up with others expectations of who I should be. Got that? Good. Moving on...

Went to work and spent the majority of the day in a training class. Followed by another 3 or so hours of document writing. Work was uneventful and pretty mellow. After work, the kid met me and we tried again our adventure from last Friday. This time it worked much better. We went and did some quick shopping, nothing major as we were looking for one stupid thing for tonight's show. Didn't find it, but we got to spend some time together. We then met one of my friends and had indian food. MUCH better and less expensive place. Real authentic food too. I was definitely happier about that part of it. We then went to her car after a taxi ride that scared us all. I mean this guy was nuts. I know I drive quickly, but he got us all the way across the city in $11 which is insane. It should have been a $20 cab ride but this guy hit warp speed. Afterwards my friend told me she had her eyes closed for half the ride.

Got back to my place around 9:30 or so and the three of us sat and watched a movie. Had some wine, watched a bad Nicky Cage movie and she left around 1. A good relaxing day.

Today I am helping a friend move this morning followed by a show tonight. THEN THE PARADE TOMORROW!!

Y3 D29

A good long day yesterday. I took an early train as I was trying to get in a little earlier to have a meeting with my client. Problem was it was TOO early. I was trying to take the 6:13 and ended up on the 5:54. While I was happy to be in the office early, it just made for an awfully long day. I got home around 5:40 and then took off to help a friend shoot an online commercial for his company's software product. That took until 11:30. I didn't get into bed until midnight last night.

Overall it was a pretty boring day to be honest with you. The shooting for the commercial was fun. I am actually the star of the commercial and we shot about 19 scenes (all 1 - 2 seconds) in about 3 hours. Then we did some quick edits. It should be going online some time today. It will be an online only ad campaign for now, but I am under contract with them for another 15 hours of shooting over six months. What do I get out of this? A motorola xoom. Oh yeah. Another case where a toy is easier to get approved than cash.

Ok, boring stuff. Off to work. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you about my shopping adventure at lunch yesterday...

Y3 D28

Worked from home yesterday. First time doing so at the new company. I had an appointment at 8:30 and if I tried to take the train afterwards, I would have missed at least one if not two meetings. Right now I am in the middle of requirements gathering with a client and most of the day was spent on the phone with her. Add to that a training session and it wasn't a big deal that I worked remotely. The day did manage to speed by somehow though. It seemed like I was getting up and next thing I know it's 5pm. I kind of like that. I did also manage to get laundry done. Holy crap the kid has massive laundry. I ended up doing three loads yesterday because of her. I did do towels and all mine, but still she added a whole extra load. Damn good thing she got a job. Speaking of that she went yesterday and filled out her paperwork. She is officially employed and starts on the 30th. I am very proud of her. She has to go to a Safeway orientation and a union orientation, but whatever. It's a job, she got it on her own, and she is handling it. Very impressed. Point being, she will get paid weekly and even with the union deductions she will get about $175 a week after taxes. For her this will be great. I plan to have her give me $50 a week towards household stuff, like laundry and gas, but I will probably put half of it away in savings. A hundred extra a month will be great for me and that will still give her a hundred a month going into savings she doesn't know about. Winning. Made a nice spinach salad and grilled cheese for dinner. After dinner we went over to my director's house just to hang out. About 8 of us total just hanging out and shooting the shit. Nice to be amongst friends. Got home around 11 and off to bed. I took an early train this morning which I will NOT do again. More on that tomorrow.

Y3 D27

Big news first - the kid got a job. She goes in today to fill out her paperwork. She is now an employee of Starfuckers inside of a Safeway. Upside? She's employed! Downside? She has to join a union and is about to be an employee of a company I can't stand. But the upside outweighs my personal opinions 10000:1 on this one.

Honestly that's about the only thing of interest that happened yesterday. Went to work, spent 2.5 hours on the phone with a client reviewing requirements, sat through another 3-4 hours of training, came home. We did a big plate of fruit last night for dinner since neither of us wanted anything hot. We did go have a celebratory fro-yo for dessert.

Watched a movie called SLC Punk followed by one episode of X-Files. We have been watching for over a week now and we're only 19 episodes into it. Only 183 to go. Plus the movie.

Went to bed around 10ish. My mind is still not where it should be regarding everything else, but I am putting the mask on, burying it down, and moving forward. It's all I can do.

Y3 D21

Started my first real project yesterday at work. Felt good to actually be useful. I worked on the kickoff presentation for the client as well as scheduled meetings with the sales person and the sales engineer. Today I get to follow up and talk with the client for the first time. I will actually be doing only half of the technical work as one of the other consultants will be shadowing me on the back end stuff. But from the front end, I will be the point person in communication with the client and handling the project part.

Best part? No travel. The client is in Virginia - customer - I keep using the word client because that's what I am used to, but I have to remember this isn't a consulting company it's a software company and these are customers. Not a big difference, but there is. The other thing I need to remember is I am not management any more. This goes hand in hand with the travel thing. These people may never see me face to face. I will remain some guy on the phone in another state. The big thing is I could dress more casual if I chose. I have been going in every day in 'consultant' wear while I look around and half the people are in jeans including the CEO and President. Ah startups. But I will wait another week or two before I go casual. Let it happen naturally.

I also confirmed with my boss that for normal days my hours are working. I am getting in around 7:40 and leaving around 4:40. This lets me catch a 5:14 train which is an express and gets me home around 5:40. I can handle that.

Got home, made the kid and me some dinner, then sat down and watched three more episodes of X-Files. Three a day is our goal. We have 202 total and I think we are now on episode 10. Before summer is over, we will have watched everything.

Also sold the old bed I was holding on to for her. Managed to get $200 for it which I will use to buy me a new mattress on Sunday. My hips and back are killing me and I know it's the bed. Hopefully this will relieve some of the pain I am having when I am sleeping.

Did one more thing I should mention - I decided to create an account on Zoosk. Let's see if anything comes of it once I get my profile filled in on there.

Y3 D20

I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. She accused me of 'holding back' on what I write here and I agreed with her. She thinks out of protection for some of you who read this, I keep things close to my chest. She's right. But it's more than protecting you, it's protecting me. If I admit some of the other things going on in my head or who I am, then I have to face them and no one wants that. She also called me a 'damaged and wounded soul'. Yep. I am. Lastly we talked about how I have no clue how to make myself happy because I am too busy worrying about other people's happiness.

All of this is giving me food for thought and I am going to process it over the next couple of days and use the weekend to write a long introspective post. You have been warned.

As for work, another day of training although it looks like I might start a client today. I got an SOW late last night from my boss that he wants me to review. Yay! I am so ready to do some real work.

Ran to the train as I had a late meeting but still managed to be home at a decent time. The kid and I had pork chops for dinner and watched three more episodes of the X-Files. 7 down, 195 to go. She has been applying for jobs and heard back from Starbucks. Looks like she might get an interview this week. I am rooting for her.

Y3 D19

Life just keeps moving forward, doesn't it? It's been two weeks since the kid graduated, three weeks since I started the new job, a week since we were starting vacation; things just never stop. They just keep plowing forward and nothing really ever changes. Just the same thing on and on again until we collapse.

Worked yesterday obviously. Still not engaged with customers, instead still training. Will be for at least another 1 - 1 1/2 weeks. Not complaining mind you, just feeling useless. I did get a ride home from a friend who happened to be in the city yesterday which was nice. I also setup my auto-pay for my commuter checks. $100 a paycheck, pre-tax which I get reimbursed roughly around the 20th of the month. When I get the reimbursement check it will go straight on my commuter card. Until then I have to pay out of pocket which kind of sucks, but as long as I keep receipts, I am okay. Technically it becomes a tax write off.

Finished up an online driver's training class last night I had to take to avoid a point on my license. I had been procrastinating it for a while and started over the weekend. Three hours of watching lame ass videos and slides. That was on top of the four hours I spent over the weekend.

Watched the next episode of the X-Files with the kid. 198 to go. That's about it. My head is still not 100% where it should be, but I am back to recognizing it at least which allows me to work on it and force it back into place.

Y3 D18

I did something yesterday and magically the world didn't end! Well if it did, it doesn't look any different. Does this mean I don't have to go to work today? Oh no wait, nope, world is still here...

What did I do? Something I should have done two years ago. I went through some boxes that have been in the kid's room forever. In those boxes were old pictures, christmas/birthday/anniversary/valentines etc cards. I went through and separated pictures that don't belong to me to send back to X2's family, and then started throwing out the rest. The irony of the exercise was I found more cards I had given to HER than the other way around. On top of that, I kept noticing how often I was apologizing for one thing or another - 'sorry about that fight', 'sorry I did this/that/the other thing'. That's just not right. And I am not talking any particular time period, it was over a good decade worth of stuff. Here I am apologizing or trying to make her feel better. Fuck that. Some days I beat myself in the head for not seeing the signs on the wall sooner. I am so damn afraid of being alone forever that I take the abuse. At least I used to be. Even if I never have another relationship again, I *might* be able to handle it now. Might. Don't like the thought, but it also doesn't paralyze me (right this moment) and cause me to be with someone just because. I am coming up on nine months 100% alone and well, it is what it is.

Part of the reason for going through the boxes was to make room for the kid. She needs to finish getting her room together and that's one of her tasks for the week. She now has no excuses. That was the extent of our day yesterday. I ran an errand to replace a broken ironing board, but otherwise didn't leave the house. Did an online Driver's School training class that I have been procrastinating about. Still have 40% left and need to finish it tonight.

We started in watching X-Files last night. We plan to watch all 202 episodes in order. 3 down.

Off to work. Let another week begin.

Y3 D17

Time flies like an arrow, fruit like a banana...

I am so glad we decided to drive home Friday instead of yesterday. Having a full two days around the house is nice. Yesterday was a good day. Managed to catch up on things, like grocery shopping. That was about it during the day. We got up slow and didn't do much in the morning. Headed to the grocery store around 10 or 11, then went over to my friend's house for a costume swap. Really that was for the kid, I just kind of hung out with her husband. She had some friends over to exchange different clothes for one of the roles all the girls play which the kid will play at some point according to our director. After that we came home played a little Little Big Planet 2, and had dinner. I went over to my director's house around 9 to hang out while the kid stayed at home to recharge her batteries. It would appear I am back in the good graces of everyone after my drunken debacle last saturday night. Which is a good thing. Came home kind of late, but not too bad. Had a nice time hanging out with people.

All in all a positive day.

Y3 D16

Made it home in one piece. Now that I am home, my life can settle back down a bit and I can get back into a normal posting routine. Let's backtrack to Thursday before I do yesterday. Took the kid and my two nieces to Seattle on Thursday. Our first stop was the Fremont Troll under the bridge. That was so very cool. Got pictures of the girls all standing on or around the troll. If you've never seen it, it's worth the time. It was built years ago as a halloween prank and everyone loved it so much they never tore it down. Instead they even changed the street name to troll avenue.

After the troll we went to the EMP. Wow. That place was incredible. From the punk exhibit to the history of guitars to the Battlestar area, the flying Blade Runner car, it was nerd heaven. I was just lost in a sea of nerdy goodness. We spent a few hours there and then decided to wander around the downtown area nearby. Our first stop was Thai food as we were all starving. We found a great place where we were able to sit in the window on the floor and eat. The food was great, but it was the ambience and the floor sitting that made it perfect. After that the girls all wanted to go shop so I tagged along and stayed out of their way. Finally we wrapped up by having pie at 'Pie'. Yes, that's it name. Pie. It was freaking great. Best pies we had ever had. Little mini-pies in a perfect buttery crust. We headed back and my nieces went off to a friend's graduation while me and the kid hung out with my dad and his wife. Very relaxing as we packed up and prepared to leave in the morning.

We headed out about 5am yesterday and drove for about 300 miles before stopping at the Wild Animal Safari in Winston OR. 600 acre drive through wildlife park. We had a giraffe inches from us, an emu try and attack us, and saw so many cool animals. It was worth the pit stop. We spent about two hours there total and then got back on the road.

We rolled in about 8pm and unpacked. I am very lucky to have the relationship I do with my kid. It did not feel like a 12 or 13 hour trip for either of us. We talked, she read to me from her 'Big Book of Punk Lists', we made fun of other drivers, picked music together, etc. It was a good road trip.

Now that we are home, I did laundry last night, we have no show today so the whole weekend is ours. I need to get us some groceries for the next few days, but otherwise, no obligations. I like that. My head is starting to be back where it needs to be regarding X2. It took a week and being on vacation to immerse myself in something else, but it's almost there.

Y3 D15

Heading home and about to get on the road for 12 hours so I don't have time for a full post. But yesterday was a big pile of awesome wrapped in incredible. The Experience Music Project in Seattle is a MUST SEE for anyone traveling up there. Between the museum, the troll, the pie, the company, oh my, it was just a fantastic non-stop day. I was finally truly relaxed and not worried about ex-wives or other people's drama for once. I promise a full update tomorrow on two days. Once this vacation is over, I will get back into my normal pattern of writing and posting.

Y3 D12

The pain's not ashamed to repeat itself...


I am doing a little better today but not 100%. I don't know why it's eating at me the way it is. It's stupid. On a purely logical level I know this. I know I am being an idiot. I can't go back, I don't want to go back, but yet there it is. Hanging out there over my goddamn head like the sword of Damocles. I am back to wanting to put the gun in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger. Just make it all stop. I feel worthless, ugly, and not worthy of love. And what is love anyway? Chemical reactions? Undying devotion? Partnership? What the fuck does it mean? How can I find 'love' when I don't even LIKE myself right now? What a wasted life.

Spent the day with my sister and her kid yesterday. We drove my niece's friend home and bummed around the 'city'. Compared to everything else around here it was definitely a city. The girls had fun. As long as everyone else is happy and no one knows what is going on inside this head of mine, then I guess we're okay, right?

Made my sister and her family dinner last night - two different types of crepes. One set with salmon the other with chicken, both with mushrooms, spinach, dill, onion, and a nice cream sauce. Served it with sliced tomatoes and couscous. For dessert I did strawberry banana crepes with nutella. They were happy. Everyone is happy. But me. I am dying inside a little bit more every day. Fuck it. Let the whole thing die. Let it just end.

Y3 D11

Ok here's what happened on Saturday - everything was fine during the day, the kid and I did some stuff around the house like taking care of the rabbits and the cat, packing for our trip, and just relaxing. We both slept in the afternoon to make sure we were awake and ready to go for our planned 1am departure. Everything was great, until about 9pm. At 9 I was chatting online with a friend when they said:

'So guess what - X2's in a relationship'
'Oh (slam in my stomach), how do you know?'
'Well she never posts on fb and I didn't even realize we were still connected until I saw she updated her status from 'it's complicated' to 'in a relationship'. I mean come on it's been two years, it can't bug you that much'.

They are right, it shouldn't bug me that much but it did. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know why, it just did. Pit in my stomach still just typing this. It's not like I have been a celibate monk the last two years and I doubt she has either, but it's the public acknowledgement that hit. Especially since I have been alone for these last eight months. If I was with someone right now or even had someone on the horizon it wouldn't have hurt so much. But I don't and it did. This led to poor decision making. We headed out to the show where I proceeded to drink way too much. So much that I don't remember the show, I don't remember anything except the kid telling me we were home as I was passed out in the back seat of my car. Needless to say we didn't leave at 1 as planned. We ended up leaving at 7:30 yesterday. Took 12 hours to drive to my dad's place and we made it in one piece.

I tried explaining to the kid why I did what I did and all I could tell her was there are many pains in this life that I can try and protect you from, but the pain of a broken heart isn't one of them. When the time comes and someone rips your heart out, you will understand why I acted the way I did last night. There are no excuses for it, but it's the most honest I can be about it.

I publicly apologized in our cast mailing list. I haven't heard the backlash from my actions yet, but I am sure it is coming. I hope that I don't get kicked off cast for this one. I don't think I did anything too out of line other than be a stupid drunk. We will see.

Right now I am on vacation so fuck it. I am good with work, good with my head, still not good with the thought of X2 being happy though. I think in part I wanted her to suffer longer, but hey, it's time to grow up and realize she left me and move on. I do plan when I get back home to take anything in the house that belonged to her, pictures, etc, put them in a box and send them off to her dad. Time to truly sever the fucking cord.

Y3 D9

Yesterday I remembered why I like working at startup companies. I got in around 8 as I had the kid drive me to the train station. That was nice. I was able to catch an early train without stressing about walking. I just got her up, she drove me, and went back to bed. I get into the office and there on my desk is a tote bag, a coffee mug, and a t-shirt. Nice way to start the day. I then continued to watch the training videos until our 90 minute lunch meeting where we discussed current clients, played 'stump the experts', and then went back to training. At 3 the real fun started. It seems that every first Friday of the month, it's a theme party from 3-5. This month it was France. In the back part of the company was a spread of french wines, beer, and food. Work was done for the week apparently. Everyone walking around with little stick on moustaches and drinking. Yep, I like it here. So far so good.

I decided around 4 that I was going to get out because nothing more was going to get accomplished. Said goodbye to those two or three people I have started being friendly with and left. On the way to the train station "it" happened. One of the reasons I took this job -- I started talking to this nice woman who was also rushing to get to the train station. No, I didn't get her name, but we made some nice small talk as we sped walk three blocks together to get the 4:17 train. She works around the corner from me. She had a friend already at the platform and left to sit with her, but the point is, this is what I was hoping for by taking this job. The ability to see or meet someone who I can see every day and establish a human connection. I do hope I bump into her again when I am back from vacation. The kid picked me up at the train station and we ordered pizza for dinner. We watched The Virgin Suicides while scarfing down pizza and salad. Was great fun. Both of us were really tired from the last couple of days and went off to bed around 9:30. I slept like a log. Was awesome.

Tonight we have a show and then we head up to see the family. This is going to be an interesting week. Tomorrow's post will be late so don't freak out. I have a 12 hour drive ahead of us and we aren't leaving until 1am. I will post, it will just be late.

Y3 D8

Long damn day yesterday. Started off with that wonderful pounding headache. It finally dissipated around 3 in the afternoon. Yeah, fun fun. Bummed around the hotel until about 9 or so and headed over to the what was for the last time, the kid's house. Got my car loaded with all of her stuff and we headed back. It was a good ride. We talked about her leaving that part of her life behind and how this was the start of new beginnings, etc. It was nice spending some quiet time knowing that this is it, I don't have to drive her back this time. No end date. This ain't no rental this time. The reality of that isn't going to sink in for a while as I have been used to her being with me months at a time in the summer. It will be in September when she starts school that it will really sink in for me. We got home around 5 and started unpacking her room. Man that kid has more clothes than me. Damn. Around 8 we sat down to watch a movie - Wristcutters, A Love Story - and have some dinner. The movie was really cute and I highly recommend it. Went to bed afterwards at about 10. I guess it wasn't that long a day in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly felt long. Off to work today and then a show tomorrow followed by a week off!

Y3 D7

What an odd, bizarre, surreal, exciting, strange, and all around insane day yesterday was. I got up at 4:30 because I was worried about having enough time to do everything I wanted to do in the morning before I had to leave. I literally had laundry going before 5 am. Of course it was one of those moments where I got up too early and was standing around a little bit but overall not too much. After laundry I went to the store and got cat food, rabbit food, and what would be the start of way too many Rockstars.

Called X1 around 9 to find out where we were meeting for dinner and at what time. The best part of that conversation? Where I ask her if she's excited today and she spends the next 20 minutes talking about her back. Seriously bitch? Really? Her own daughter didn't come up until I fucking interrupted her and asked where we were having dinner. Damn.

Was on the road at 10 and made it to the kid's area around 2ish. On the way there nothing really eventful happened but there's one thing I want to note; I tried calling the friend I 'lost' recently. I left a message about how there should be no bad blood between us on this day of my kid's graduation and ask him to call me back. He didn't and that really hurt. I would have hoped that he could put whatever issues we had aside and at least congratulate me and the kid on the event. Kind of bugged me and obviously still is bugging me.

Anyway, got here, checked in to the hotel and then showered, changed, etc. Met them all at the restaurant for the pre-show dinner around 4:30. X1 was mildly behaving herself. There we were - X1, her soon to be ex-husband, their two kids, X1's parents, her sister and kid, me, the kid, and the kid's friend. What a fucked up modern day family we were. Me? I was motherfuckin' pimpin' it. I was looking hot and so out of place. Loved it. All of it. Her husband came over to me about halfway through the meal and asked if I would help him split the bill. I told him I had only planned on paying for the kid, me, and her friend. Why couldn't X1's parents do something for once? He felt embarrassed and didn't have an answer but I knew where he was coming from on that. I didn't want him to feel bad so yes, I split the bill with him. We discussed it later. Oh just keep reading, it gets fun...

The three of us left early as the kid needed to get to the ceremony and of course X1 was too busy in her own world to realize it was time to go. Got her there right on time as always thank you very much. I then proceeded to block off 10 seats. The people in front of me were blocking of EIGHTY seats. Damn.

Three hours later the kid finally took the stage to get her diploma. Now, those eighty in front of me? I cheered for their kids and had them cheer for mine. It was fucking awesome. We had over eighty people jumping and hooting and hollering for her when she got her diploma. It felt great. X1 later asked me why were those people cheering? I said because they love my kid. Deal with it. Oh yeah.

Afterwards I took the girls to the store and got them each a bottle of champagne. We had a little celebration at the house. And yes, I got myself a bottle too. Their bottles were split amongst people, mine went right to me. X1 left her car at the restaurant and had driven with her parents so her husband asked if I could drive him back to the car on my way back to the hotel. That's where the fun started.

We got to the restaurant and I asked him if he REALLY was in a hurry to go back. He hemmed and hawed for a second and then we ended up in the bar. The best part was when I told this woman next to us -- "See this? I am the ex-husband, he is the soon to be ex-husband, and the kid we raised together just graduated. This is how life should be!". The bartender ended up buying us a round after that smart ass remark. Man did he dump on me last night. All the shit we have left unsaid for the last 15 years came out. He is a great guy and I wish him the best in dealing with X1. He has 10 more years to go until their kids are done. He is totally jealous of me since I am d-o-n-e. We ended up having way too much to drink but had a great time regardless. I ended up back at the hotel somewhere around 1am.

All in all, a good day. The kid made it. I survived it. Let's do the next part -- her moving in...

Y3 D6

My 'little' girl graduates today. Holy fuck. Where have the last 18 years gone? What have I done? Have I accomplished a fucking thing in the last 18 years? Twice divorced, alone, and an alcoholic. What a life.

Worked yesterday. Actually managed to really start understanding the product. It was one of those days where the time just flew by because I was buried in learning things. I took an early train in to have a full day since I am out today and tomorrow. I am about to drive for five hours for the graduation, then load the car tomorrow morning and bring the kid back for the next phase of both of our lives.

Got home around 6:30 and tried to do laundry. All the machines were full because of the coin machine being down all weekend. Said the hell with it and got up early this morning and started laundry at 4:30. I need some of the clothes in there for today. I also need to go to the store and get cat food before I leave. And gas. And rabbit food. Man this is a busy morning already. Argh.

Watched a documentary on Bukowski last night before bed. I envy and idolize guys like that. So free and yet so disturbed all at the same time. I wish in some ways I had did things like him when I was younger. Just be free. Free to wander and write.

Y3 D5

I have slept really well the last few nights. I don't know if I can pinpoint it to anything I have been doing differently or any difference in my mental state, but for the last week or so with the exception of pass out Thursday, I have been sleeping well. It's about goddamn time. Maybe it's the new job, maybe it's the new commute because I am walking 2 miles a day I am more tired, who knows. Who cares. As long as I can finally be normal in my sleep again.

Had a great day yesterday. Got up in the morning and rearranged some furniture in anticipation of the child being here. I was able to get the one couch out of her room and into mine. This allowed me to move her dresser out of the closet as well as her hamper and I moved a nightstand into her room where I set up her sewing machine. I haven't told her any of this and I hope she likes it.

After that I headed to the city with a friend. He has lived here almost 2 years but has spent no time in the city. We didn't do normal tourist things though. First we started at this ice cream which has been on a number of tv shows and is the serious straight up bomb. I had their 'Secret Breakfast' (bourbon & cornflakes) and the 'Harvey Milk & Honey'. He had the Peanut Butter Curry with Blueberry Boy Bait. From there we went downtown and spent the next 5 hours going into every store that was open. We even paused for lunch where we had chocolate malted cheesecake with marshmallow meringue and malted croutons. Best part is besides a thing of bubble bath, lunch, and the ice cream, I didn't spend any money. I tried on at least 50 things, but was good on all of them and said I have to think about it. Got home around 6:30, watched a little tv while finishing my leftover salad from lunch, and went to bed.

Perhaps that's part of it - I have been forcing myself to go to bed a little earlier some nights. I was in bed by 9:30 last night. I didn't fall asleep until 10:12, but I was in bed at least.

Off to work for one day as tomorrow is the kid's graduation!!

Y3 D4

I just realized last night that it was almost exactly four years ago to the day that I was having surgery on my Achilles. How insane is that? Four years ago. I was 240 lbs, almost 100 heavier than I am now, my wife just coming off of surgery of her own, just moved into a new house, started a new job, and having my leg sliced open. Amazing how much can change in four years. Am I happier? Am I sadder? Are things really different? Yes, yes, and yes. I think I am a better person now than I was then. I think I am a lot more lonely these days, but also much better at realizing when things are wrong and acting more appropriately instead of just shoving booze down my throat.

Here it is Memorial Day. Honestly it doesn't mean anything to me personally. I am thankful for all soldiers who gave their lives to defend our country, but I have never lost anyone in the military, nor served myself. It is a day off work and that's about it.

So what did I do yesterday...

Big fat nothing is about it. The laundry machine here at my apartment which you use to buy credits has been down since Saturday and I haven't been able to get laundry done which is driving me up a wall. I am hoping it will be fixed before I have to go out of town on Wednesday afternoon. Reality check -- in three days my little girl graduates from high school and moves in. Whoa. Mind blower.

Did a little grocery shopping and I do mean a little as I don't want things going bad while I am out of town. Had a steak for dinner with some cottage cheese and a baked potato. Watched some movies on netflix -- Wild at Heart. Don't care what anyone says, loves me some Nicky Cage. Oh the biggest thing I did yesterday was organize my books ONCE MORE on my Kindle. But this time I decided to go at it a little differently. Before copying the files over, I am organizing them on my computer, loading them in the desktop Kindle application and making sure the names and everything are clean. I want to finish that up this morning to have it ready for the week. I am supposed to go shopping with a friend today in the city, let's see if that happens. As of right now, I am not motivated enough to really do anything.