Two more days and this blog year will be over. I went back and checked, it was 16 years ago yesterday I started writing. Nearly two decades of brain dumping. God I was so lonely and desperate for human connection. Not that I am immune from that now, but I know I am in a healthier place in general. I also know that my recent depression has been due to stress, my ears, and a multitude of things not within my control. Even 16 years later all I want is control over my life. Guess that's what happens when you spend your childhood with trauma? Regardless, I have survived. I have grown. I have learned how to live my best life on my own terms. Who I am now is not who I was then, is it? Not just the physical changes. Mentally as well. The biggest change of course is finally for the first time in my life being in a healthy emotionally equitable relationship. Yesterday C had lunch with her sister. They met halfway between us both. Not only did I not stress or worry, I don't really care what they talked about. If she wants to share with me, she can share with me. She told me they caught up on life and the like and that's cool. I don't feel the FOMO or exclusion I used to feel. I did my own thing while she was gone. Mostly that consisted of laundry and dishes, but there wasn't any anxiety. There wasn't any why am I not included.
Funny enough, I have been chatting with B the last couple of days. On Friday she messaged me in the morning asking if we could talk. She was having a breakdown. Turns out she thought her car was being stolen. There was a similar car parked in front of her house and she saw someone get in and drive away. She called 911 only to realize HER car was in the driveway. She got home first that day and parked in the driveway. I let her vent, then I gently mocked her to try and lighten the mood. It worked. Now, I did ask if A was at work, basically my way of saying "Why are you calling me and not your partner?". Turns out they hadn't spoken in three days. Living as roommates. It's a big long story about shit that I don't want to get into but the bottom line is A shut down and hasn't been talking. Look I get it, I get shutting down while you process for a while, but three days? Come on. C and I have gone three hours, but not days. We talk it through. Even B and I could talk it through. I had a long conversation with B that they need to reevaluate their relationship and what they want because if they're planning on marriage this needs to be fixed NOW. This is the kind of shit I am talking about when I say I am in a healthy relationship. None of the games or stress. We have normal people stress. We have things we work through, talk through, and support each other. B ended up going to the zoo on Saturday without A because they still weren't talking. I am going to check in with her later as they had a BBQ yesterday and I am wondering how that went. Morbid curiousity I guess? Plus I know if something happens she will end up in my damn basement. Sigh.
I made a pork tenderloin for dinner last night. Apricot glaze. Came out really nice. We were both happy. When we ent to bed I told C it was an off day and she agreed saying "I never felt truly awake today". Yep. That's it. That is the perfect description. So hopefully today will feel more normal for both of us. She is off to work right now. I am going to do jack shit. It's my holiday thank you.
Wow. This is the most I have wrote in a while. I must be feeling better?
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