Y4 D190

Oh dear god it is STILL November. Will this fucking month end already? Seriously. Will this YEAR end already? Can this life end already?

Ugh.

I am starting to look like a hobo with a shotgun. I haven't really left the house for more then five or ten minutes (grocery store runs) in like a week. I haven't bothered to shave, living in pajama pants, etc. At least I am showering.

Did two seminars yesterday and got prepped for next week's classes. Which I am doing from home. Which means I don't have to leave the house again if I don't want to. Will he shave? The million dollar question...

Played Diablo. Watched all of the Lizzie Bennet diaries. I am now caught up thank you very much. If you haven't watched them, do so. It's a retelling of Pride and Prejudice through the use of modern technology. Fun web series. Go to youtube. It's out there. 68 episodes so far.

The kid had a date again with the guy from the other night. They had fondue. Me? I had potato salad. Yep.

I need kleenex boxes. And to only start trusting mormons...

Y4 D189

It's still fucking November? I mean seriously how long is this fucking month? It feels like it will never end for crying out loud. It just keeps going and going. Ugh.

I slept on the couch last night. I couldn't sleep. I went to bed around 10, laid there until 11, got up, tried again, ended up around midnight just sitting on the couch, finally fell asleep around 2 only to wake up at 6. Don't know why the bad sleeping is back.

Didn't do much yesterday. Have a training next week that I am starting to get ready for. I am NOT looking forward to it already because it looks like another one of those where I have way too many non-english speaking persons who are going to be attending. I hate that shit. They tend to be needy, rude, and arrogant.

Did talk to my boss yesterday. He was very pleased with the work I did on the new training manual. He wants me to add some more which I will do today. Busy work a little bit but whatever.

Didn't put on pants yet again. Made beanie weenies for dinner. FINALLY watched the last episode of X-Files. 202 episodes done! One thing we both laughed at was in the episode they tell of the 'final' alien invasion date - 12/22/2012. Gee sound familiar? So the world isn't ending, we are just going to be attacked by aliens. Cool. I can handle that.

Y4 D188

The kid had a gentleman caller last evening. They watched Blade Runner together. I like this guy much better than her last one but she is afraid to move forward with him until she hears back from Disney. I get that. Because if she is accepted she could be off to Florida. It's too bad because he is a really nice guy. Not to mention he isn't on cast which gives him major points regardless.

I spent the whole day working on my new training materials. Of course I haven't heard a damn thing back from the five people I sent it to yesterday. Ass wipes. Even just a 'hey, didn't look it over yet, but thanks for doing this' would have been nice. Nope. Nothing. Took me all day to develop and nada in return.

Whatever.

I did get worked lined up for next week at least. Four days of training. Downside is that it's from 5am each day. Oh well. I can handle it. My day will be done by 1:30 every day next week. Even if I have to get up at 3:30 every day it's worth it.

That was about it for yesterday. Bought a bottle of Mansithe absinthe at the store last night. Not bad. Made for a decent death in the afternoon. Not the best absinthe I have had, but still pretty darn tasty. I only had one. I was a good boy. Shared a libation with the gentleman caller.

Today is open so far. I might continue to work on the training guide to see what else I can add. It's a little over a half day right now so if I can add a couple more topics I can make it a full day and we can sell it as an advanced class. I just need to come up with a couple more things. I have one in mind already which will give me something to focus on today.

In other news, I am really fucking lonely.

Y4 D187

I went to bed early last night because I was tired. Plus I was bored. I don't know if you have noticed, but I haven't been going out at night anymore. Just not up to it. Not into sitting at a bar feeling sorry for myself. I can do that just as easily at home and save money. Christmas is coming. Anyway, went to bed early and had the worst fucking nightmare. It was a combination of every horror and sci-fi thing in my head apparently. I was driving around Vegas with someone who was supposed to be my partner and we were trying to 'reboot' Vegas. I don't know what that meant. But we had to reset everything because it was all going to shit. Power was out, things were going crazy, etc. We got to the local police station where things were hectic and the deputy was leaving for the day and the sheriff was out. That's when we saw all the computers in the parking lot setup like a black cross and playing just random evil shit. My partner wouldn't acknowledge something odd was going on and got pissed at me. The deputy asked where I was from and I told her I worked on the X-Files. Yeah. So the partner storms off and I go to my car which conveniently was a black impala (see?) and also conveniently in the parking lot. That's when Slenderman appeared in front of me and sliced through the top of the car and was trying to scoop my brains out. Nice huh? I woke up at that point. So there you have it - six different sci-fi horror things shoved into one dream. Analyze that.

I worked all day on a new presentation. Almost done with it and I think it will buy me some good will. It's timely, adds a half day to one of our classes, and is something good for me to know. I should be done with that today.

I did get some good news yesterday which of course turned into shit. I got selected by Disneyland to attend one of the nights of the Annual Candlelit Christmas procession narrated by Molly Ringwald. AWESOME except it's on a Tuesday. I can adjust my schedule, but apparently no one else can. No one is interested or available to go with me. Fuck it. I am going alone. Just like everything else in my life, I will do it alone. Get good news, find out no one gives a shit about you enough to change their plans. Whatever.

Y4 D186

Did absolutely nothing yesterday. Didn't leave the house once. Spent the whole day in yoga pants and a hoodie. Yep, captain lazy. I have no regrets or complaints about it either. I really don't have much to say here today because I seriously didn't do a fucking thing yesterday. I played Diablo, watched some TV, straightened up the house, and that was it. Nobody called me, nobody texted, and the kid worked most of the morning. She had homework to do - a lot of it - and when she got home she locked herself away. That was the extent of things.

This week is looking pretty light which may be a problem.

Y4 D185

I'm still alive and functional. Can't seem to type though this morning. It took me way too long to type these last few sentences. Not hungover though. Didn't drink yesterday at the show. First show in weeks. It was kind of odd. Back like when I first started doing cast. Mellow, relaxed, no drama. Kind of nice. Did the show came home went to bed. The way it should be.

As for the rest of the day - kid got up late but still made it to work on time. They overestimated the number of people needed yesterday and while she was supposed to work from 7-3 they sent her home at 10. Her store did really well Friday and I guess they were hoping for a repeat over the weekend that didn't come. I think the problem is that Thanksgiving was so early this year and there was so much hype about stores being open even earlier and having 'good deals' that people weren't already burnt out. It's too bad and a poor business decision on the part of the companies to try and get everyone excited too soon. Honestly we are still a month out from Christmas and already my interest is waning. I don't know how they can sustain it. Regardless, she came home early which was good because I was in a funk in the morning and didn't want to sit in the house otherwise I was going to go nuts. Luckily she was home by 11 and we went out to run errands.

Did do a little Christmas shopping. Nothing major. Just some small presents under the tree. I am waiting for all my Amazon gift cards to come through this week to do the real shopping. I have about $400 in gift cards this year total. So far $190 of them have come through. As soon as the rest get here I will be doing some ordering. I am hoping this week. But then again I have to remind myself we are still a month out. It's not that big of a deal.

Got home around 3 and we just hung out. Her boy toy came over around 4 and we ordered pizza. Watched bad tv shows on Netflix then headed out to do the show.

All in all, what started off as a really fucked up day mentally finished off not too shabby. Let's see if I can sustain that attitude.

Y4 D184

I watched the most fucked up movie last night. Really bad movie to watch if you are a white male in his 40s unhappy with his life. Trust me. It's called I Melt With You. It's about 4 guys all 44 who meet up in Monterey for their annual catching up party. Disillusionment, pain, suffering, realizing you aren't who you were supposed to be, etc. All those things that every guy my age either deals with or buries down until it kills them. Watch this movie but only if you're ready to face the topics it brings up. The on guy who managed to write one book but now teaches English; the doctor whose son calls his stepdad "Dad" and spends most days higher than a kite; the stockbroker who is facing embezzlement charges; the guilty guy who caused the car accident that killed his lovers. Yeah. Real happy stuff. Very real. Very touching. Very fucked up. And I watched it alone.

Thought about my brother a lot yesterday too. Thought about too many things.

The kid worked from 4am to noon. She got home around 1. She was exhausted but we went out for some food. We also stopped at the paint store. I think I am going to finally paint my bedroom. At least now I have colors decided. That's a huge step in the right direction.

I did do the right thing yesterday morning. SG wanted to come over early and fuck. I told her no. Not because I didn't want to. Not because I wasn't alone. But because it's wrong. It really is. Not her age or anything stupid like that - no, because despite whatever rules they have in their relationship, she is still a married woman and it isn't right. So I said no. I was a good boy.

Meh, that's about it. Count the bodies like sheep...

Y4 D183

Today is the two year anniversary of my brother's death. I was getting hung up last year on 'it was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving' and not paying attention to the actual date. I started to do the same thing this year and realized, no wait, it was the 23rd. So here it is. Yay. Whee. Fuck it. I miss you brother. I don't miss your bitch ass wife or the shit she did sometimes to you, but I miss you.

The kid has been at work since 4. Poor kid.

I went to my friend's house for Thanksgiving yesterday. I was planning on being broody and mopey. Instead I had fun and got home at 1:30am. I am also sure my mouth ran over time but I can only remember half of it. Good?

And I am not an alcoholic, I am an advanced drinker. Yeah. Sure.

We went through a bottle of wine, ok, *I* went through a bottle of wine. Then between three of us two bottles of vodka. In about 8 hours. But you know what? I had fun and that's all that matters at the end of the day. I asked the kid earlier in the day 'what did I do last year?' and her answer was 'mope'. So fine, I didn't mope. Happy?

God I have a hangover.

Y4 D182

blah blah blah work.

blah blah blah stayed at home

blah blah blah kid went to work

blah blah blah went to bed.

That's my life in a nutshell.

Happy fucking thanksgiving.

Y4 D181

I hate winter. It's all cold and shit. And raining. Rain is so damn depressing. Right now I am smiling on the outside but not so much underneath. Under the surface I am a ball of insanity. I am trying to sleep but my dreams are plotting against me. They show me things I don't want to see, people I don't want to see, etc. It's all a damn plot to push me further into the abyss.

I did decide yesterday that if I were to kill myself I would do it at Disneyland. Not in the park mind you, but on Harbor Boulevard. I would spend the day in the park then let one of the busses hit me on the way out. Those are really big busses. They would squish me flat. I figure I should be at the one place that makes me truly happy one last time and then let it kill me. The irony alone would be worth it.  Because yes, these are the things I think about.

Processed a shit ton of videos yesterday and cleaned house on folders. I discovered I am missing some stuff but it's all good. This is more my OCD kicking in that I don't like having holes in the collection. If I am going to have something, I need the whole thing. Stupid yes, but hey have you met me?

Did some scoping on a client project. Have to finish that today with a two hour conference call with the client to ask some specific questions. I think the project is less complicated than they do but I need to verify some stuff to make sure.

SG hit the road at like 6 last night. 9 hour drive by herself. I am hoping she made it safe. She was about 6 hours out at 10 pm. I worry. Hell I would worry about any of my friends making that long of a drive through mountains and ice by themselves. I worry, it's what I do.

I have another friend who has been in the hospital. I have been a horrible friend by not seeing how she is doing. I need to remedy that today. I need to make sure she is doing okay as well. Hopefully all is good.

I got wrapping paper last night and the ingredients to make mac and cheese for tomorrow's dinner. I really don't want to go. But I will and I will put on a big smile and act like I care.

Guess what today is. It's the two year anniversary of my brother's death. Whee. How time flies when you aren't looking.

Y4 D180

Back home, back to normalcy, whatever that is. Got up early as I had to be onsite for a client yesterday. There are worse things. We did have a bit of drama in the morning. I had a voicemail from one of the kid's friends. Turns out she lost her phone Sunday night while out with her boytoy. Lucky for her, a very nice man picked it up and sent her an email and responded to her friend's text. She didn't know this when she got up and was afraid I was going to be mad. I was for about a split second and realized it's just a fucking phone. She still felt stupid the whole way to the train station. Sorry kid, you lost it not me. I can only offer so much sympathy plus it's just a phone. Stop beating yourself up over something so dumb. Luckily I was able to get a hold of the guy around 9 and we scheduled a time to pick up the phone in the evening.

Worked at the client until about 4 and got home around 6. Yes, it took me two hours to go essentially 30 miles. And people wonder why I would rather be on a plane than in regular commute traffic. No brainer in my head. When I am on the road I stay 1-2 miles away from my clients. No traffic, no headaches. Here I have to drive in shitville.

I want to move. Being with SG this weekend somewhere else really reinforced how much I do dislike it around here some days.

I have also been having really bad X2 dreams the last couple of nights. Just the same fucked up shit where she is yelling at me about money. It's always the same fucking shit. That's my life. Same shit, different decade.

When I got home I explained everything about her phone to the kid and told her she was taking $20 out to offer the guy. We went to meet him and he refused as I figured he would. It was more principle. I then made her spend that $20 on dinner for us. She needed to have some kind of repercussion for losing her phone. I know it's not major, but still.

Had ramen for dinner. Not ramen like most people think, but real ramen at a noodle house. Big difference. Came home and she had to write a paper. I fucked around on the internet and then went to bed.

Today and tomorrow I am doing some minor work. I need to hit the grocery store at some point for Thursday. I really don't want to go to this dinner, but I am obligated. I will go and smile and then leave early.

Y4 D179

Got up yesterday and let her sleep. Mostly because I didn't want to face the elephant in the room. I wanted the weekend to end on a happy note. I went down and had breakfast by myself while she slept. She eventually woke up around 10 and we went off to get her coffee. After that we came back, packed up and she dropped me off at the airport.

It was a bittersweet ending to a good time. On Saturday when she talked to her husband he mentioned that given their schedules and the way things were lining up that maybe when she gets home in December they should start trying to have a family. This is something she wants, something he wants, and I can't stand in the way. This of course means our time is over. Hence why this was bittersweet. Like most things in my life, I am the end of a chapter for her. Starting next month she has to put away childish things and move into adulthood. Aka me. I am a diversion, a toy, a whatever, what I am not is the future. I never am. Look at the last one. I am always the shadow of something else.

We did part well. I will not deny. I also managed to get on an earlier flight so I was home by 3 instead of 5. That helped. Made my day a little easier.

No matter what, she will always be the Marla to my Tyler. When I am with her I look the way I want to look, I talk the way I want to talk, and I fuck the way I want to fuck. I am free in every single possible way. We will still have our virtual relationship for now, but as for being together physically, that part is done.

I will die alone. I know this. I have learned to accept it. I have reached that final stage of grieving. I am acceptance.

Y4 D178

Had a pretty damn good day yesterday. In addition to awesome sex, SG gave me something I have needed for a while - a day off. A day on the road that was solely mine and was a real vacation. She is sleeping right now and she earned it. I won't wake her up until it's time to go to the airport.

We got up around 7 (I went back to bed after posting) and had sex. Perfect way to start the day. From there we went down and had breakfast. Got to love free breakfasts. Another wonderful perk. After that we walked around. I took her to Sephora for her Christmas present. Nothing fancy, some Betsey Johnson perfume. She really likes it. Plus it's not over the top crazy and she won't have to worry about hiding it or anyone questioning where she got it.

After that we headed back to the hotel because the vintage shop I wanted to go wasn't open yet. This resulted in more sex and a nap. At around 1:30 we went back over to the vintage store. Nothing jumped out at either of us, but it was still fun.

From there we went over to this french bistro and proceeded to eat and drink for the next four hours. We had truffle fries, mac and cheese, apple tart with black walnut ice cream, and a cheese plate. All with many cocktails. Got back to the hotel around 6:30 and oh guess what? Yeah, more sex. A quickie but a good quickie. She was completely wiped out so I let her sleep and went down to the bar in the hotel. Went back up around 9. We then talked about some stuff. Stuff I don't want to write down here. Stuff that I am still thinking through. Needless to say, this will probably be the last time we are ever together physically.

It's a long story why, but I know it's for the best. I am not sad about it though... I am really not. This weekend will be burned into my brain forever more. I got one more experience to add to the list. How lucky am I? Like the song says:

I'm so old, you're so young
I know, you know
Everybody, everyone - let's go...

Quick and to the Pointless. Is there a better song for me?

Y4 D177

4:03am. Sweaty. Parched. 5 hours of sex. Need break. Need sleep. Been up for 24 hours. Ugh.

Told ya today would be a more exciting post. Trained all day, class seemed happy. They seemed to appreciate everything. I mean honestly you never can tell until the comments come in. And then they hit you for the most random shit.

Was trying to finish around 1:45 but ended up going until 2:05. The kid was supposed to drive me to the airport but her work called and asked her to come in early. Luckily I was able to get one of my friends to leave work nearby and drive me. Worked out for everyone. Turns out though my stress was for naught. My flight was supposed to leave at 5:55. Well first it got pushed to 6:48. Then 7:44. Then 8:10. We finally left at 8:10. Two hours delayed. I was not happy. It was a small plane, fully booked, and since it was on a partner flight, the only advantage I had going for me was early boarding. Otherwise no real perk. No exit seat, etc.

I finally arrived at a little after 10. I was pissed off after that trip and didn't care who knew. I was tired of being nice. SG picked me up and I could tell she was a little thrown off. We talked about it a little on the way to the hotel. In her mind she really didn't think this was happening. It's fun to talk about these things, and play and tease, but another when it becomes real. I warned her a long time ago that when I say I am going to do something, I do it. And this was the proof. I promised I would be here and I am here. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't make empty promises. I don't even use that fucking word unless I know I can follow through on things.

We both were wound up tighter than a cat's tail on a porch full of rocking chairs. We got to the hotel, dumped the car at valet and headed up to the room. Top floor. King suite. Food waiting. View of the city. Score. I will take that. I had called the hotel earlier and they felt bad for me because of the delays and took care of me. The small perks of travel.

We unpacked what we needed and we both tried to relax a little. It took a while, but it finally happened. We both calmed down, realized this was happening *if* we wanted it to. If not, then hey we spend the weekend just enjoying each other's company. I think that relaxed her and it certainly relaxed me because it took the pressure off. Once the pressure was gone we both felt better and we were off to the races. Round one when from about 11 to 1. That was the introductory round. Little break for rockstar and bam round 2. That went until just a little while ago. Having less issues than the last time we were together. I am still wound up about her being married and how she seems more interested in our virtual arrangement versus a real one, but I am working around that. Dear god did I work around that. And around and around. I think we just went through more positions in five hours than the Kama Sutra does in 100 pages. I know my back is pulled but I don't care.

She is sleeping now. I may join her. Get a little rest before round 3...

Y4 D176

Today's post is going to be pretty bland compared to tomorrow's. I have a good feeling tomorrow's post will have a little more excitement to it. Why? Because tonight I fly to Portland to spend the weekend with SG. I am sorry my Oregonian friends but unless you are downtown and naked, I will be too focused on banging to do more than just wave at you. It's been 4 and a half months people. I am about to explode and you should be feeling sorry for this poor girl. I will be there for roughly 48 hours, I expect to have sex for at least 20-24 of those. IT WILL BE A FIREFIGHT... anyway...

Taught all day yesterday, made grilled chicken panninis and tomato soup for dinner. Watched Supernatural and one more X-Files. Only two more to go and we are done.

See? Yesterday = boring. I slept last night but in fits again. It was decent sleep and I hit REM, but it was for 2 hours, awake for an hour, sleep for an hour, awake for an hour, etc. I don't feel too tired, but I know I could use more.

Less than 12 hours to go. One more day of training and then bang bang bang bang bang bang...

Y4 D175

Slept in fits last night. Had really weird dreams too. In one I kept hearing the sounds of like crumpling newspaper. Like someone was taking it and making it crackle. Could have been the sound of a crackling fire as well but very much sounded like newspaper. The weird part is I was in my apartment and my dead mother was in the bathroom and I was yelling at her "I know this is a fucking dream, what the hell does that sound mean?". Odd. Then I had a dream that I have had before. I knew that too. I was in the dream and saying to myself, this is a repeat. What the hell are we doing brain? Needless to say, I did not sleep well. I did dream obviously so I don't feel tired this morning, just out of sorts trying to process what my brain was trying to tell me. Fucking brain. I hate you.

Taught yesterday. When the kid got home we went and did some early Christmas shopping. Got myself some Disney store presents, some socks for both of us, and some stuff from Bath and Bodyworks for both of us. There are already like 8 presents under the tree and it's not even Thanksgiving. Jesus. Lame.

We had fun. Her and I talked about her boy issues, her anxiety about the Disney program, and just had a good time together. It was actually nice.

Came home, made dinner, killed demons, went to bed.

More training today and tomorrow then I am on a plane to fuck.

Y4 D174

Early morning again. On one hand I like that my day was totally over at 2:30. On the other hand, getting up at 4am blows serious chunks. Catch 22. Taught class yesterday. Three more sessions to go. Class was pretty good. Standard usual machine bullshit had to be dealt with during the class. There's one service on these images that flakes during the startup process at about a 50% rate. Out of 12 machines I had to deal with 5 not working correctly. Luckily I had 7 students and was able to wiggle everyone around with a problem. Still makes for a frustrating morning especially when teaching a remote class. When it's face to face it's easier as I can run from desk to desk. Remote classes I have to pop from screen to screen which is annoying for everyone not just me.

But I got through the day. Took a little nap. The kid got home around 4:45 from school and I made us Chicken and Waffles for dinner. It just sounded good. We watched an X-Files episode. Yeah, we are still on that. Almost done though. 9 seasons down in three more episodes. I want to watch one or two tonight to close this shit out. Be ready to move onto the next show finally. I think I am going to make her watch Firefly next. It will be healthy for her.

After that we watched Wreck It Ralph. AWESOME movie. So much going on to catch. Thank you my friend for finding it. Very watchable copy until the end. The last couple of minutes go bloop on the color but otherwise totally watchable. This is a movie I will be buying. Speaking of buying shit, it looks like I will have about $400 on Amazon to spend this year on Christmas. Not bad. Not as much as I had hoped, but definitely enough to buy the kid some presents and me a couple of things. It's weird, last year I had XTGF to buy things for too and she had presents for me so there was a ton under the tree. Not so much this year. It will be lean here. Less because of money and more because I am just not feeling it. I am really not. Maybe because it's only the 14th of November. It feels like everyone is trying to cram Christmas down our throats already. I read this morning about stores opening THURSDAY NIGHT at like 8pm for 'Black Friday'. Um...

I almost wish this was over. But it's not. Only two more days and I will be fucking SG. Oh yeah, forgot about that did ya? I haven't. I leave Friday at 6pm to fly up to her, spend the weekend in the hotel, MAYBE leave it to see friends for food, fuck, then fuck, then sleep a little, then fuck, and then go home. I need to make up for lost time. You realize it has been since July 1st since I had sex?? Sucks balls.

Time to prep for class.

Y4 D173

Train keeps a rollin all night long. With a heave and ho...

I don't know.

Just out there in the nether this morning. Twixt my nether regions...

Got up decent time yesterday, worked, did a conference call which landed me a guaranteed day of mentoring next monday and the monday after. This is good because of the holiday. This week I am training from 6-2 the rest of the week, now I have monday handled for next week, that just leaves Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I have what, four days off? Damn. Amazing.

I am down to three days until I go visit SG. I haven't heard from her since Friday, but I know why. She has had 'company'. Company that stayed longer than she had expected. I knew this even though she didn't know it was going to happen. Always pays to know where the bodies are buried.

Worked on another client in the afternoon. Took care of some minor changes. After that, the kid and I went to Target and got our 'Christmas' tree. I don't feel like pulling out the big one this year so I opted for a five foot purple glittery thingamajig. It's a total Charlie Brown tree. The kind that dumb blockhead was SUPPOSED to get. I may still buy a little tiny one to put elsewhere. Because apparently Nov 12 starts Christmas these days. The hell with Thanksgiving. I really don't want to buy any more crap but whatever. I think I am going to Disneyland on 12/21. If we are still alive then it will be the perfect place to be to celebrate. If we're all dead, then even better. Side track. Sorry.

Got the tree, watched some TV, ate leftovers, played Diablo, in bed at 9. Why? Because I am up at 4 every day the rest of this week to do this training. Upside, is my day is over at 2 guilt free. Come 2pm, I will be watching a movie or playing Diablo. And I can spend this whole week in yoga pants. Beat that bitches.

Y4 D172

Yesterday was interesting. Even though I had a great time Friday and Saturday, I felt very disconnected from everything yesterday. We woke up at 7:30 yesterday morning and proceeded to pack and leave my friend's house. We were in the car by 8:15 and I was home by 9. I showered, cleaned up, unpacked, and then went to Target to get some things for the house and to get a gift for the baby shower I was attending later in the day. By the time I had run all my errands and got home it was about 11:30. This gave me two hours to cook a lasagne before leaving for the shower. No problem. I finished at 1:20. Perfect. The kid came home from work just as I was leaving for the shower. She decided not to go because she had done three late workshifts in a row and then yesterday morning. Plus her thing was coming over later in the night to make sushi. Whatever. I am so done with their 'relationship'. It is holding her back and I am about ready to pop that fucking kid in the face (him not her) but I am not saying anything until she knows if she has been accepted to the Disney program or not. She just got another email saying she is still pending. They will make a final decision by 12/14. It can't come soon enough in my mind.

I left and headed over to the party. There were about 15 people but I just wasn't there all the way. I was kind of on the sidelines. I knew I didn't want to drink because I have things to do today. I wanted to be out of there at a decent time and I managed to achieve that goal. But the whole time I was there I was just not there. I went through the motions and smiled and was nice but deep down it was more whatever.

Left around 5:30 and was home by six. The kid was making sushi as promised. I sat and read a book for a little while then played Diablo until about 8:45. Went to bed at nine. I was that tired and just done with everything. Slept well though at least.

Now I have to prep for a week long training class. This week I am training from 6-2 every day. That means up at 4:30 every day. Fun stuff.

Y4 D171

WHAT AN INCREDIBLE DAY! And night too! Got up in the morning and my poor friend was VERY hungover. I was doing pretty good. Not 100% but functional. Definitely in much better shape than she was. We got dressed and ready to go out and went shopping around 11. She was shopping for her BF for Christmas and did really well. She got a shirt 50% off, a money clip 75% less than she had budgeted, and found him a nice cologne gift set. She was really proud of herself. I got a jacket at old navy for 50% off. $27 for a nice peacoat. Plus I found a shirt for $40 that I really liked. We went to the Disney store and I got a new pin too. 958 now. We shopped for about 4 hours and then had a light sushi lunch. Went back to the apartment and took a nap until our other friend arrived. The four of us were planning to go out but her BF had to work so it ended up just being the three of us. Friend 1 who I was staying with was still tired so Friend 2 and I went off on a little adventure. We walked a few blocks to see if a store was open. It was closed unfortunately but we were both hungry and we ended up at this great little fondue place. When most people think fondue they think of special occasion big to do, but this place is changing that. We sat at the bar and had a nice small fondue and a beet salad between us. It was perfect sized and really reasonably priced. We got back to the apartment at 9 and decided where we were going. We ended up deciding to go to a Drag Show/Bar. Which meant I went in Drag mode. Essentially it turned into a girls night out. We had a BLAST. All three of us had so much fun, the show was excellent, and we drank way more than we should have. We left the club at around 1 and found ourselves in a diner chowing down. By the time we got back to the apartment it was 3am. A perfect day.

Y4 D170

Managed to get through yesterday's morning meeting without killing anyone or falling asleep. This is a positive thing, trust me. The meeting was mostly interesting as it is something I will need to learn/teach in 2013 which is why I paid attention.

After the meeting I headed to DMV where I spent two hours waiting to get the car registered. It was late, as usual, which is why I did it in person. It wouldn't have been so long but their damn computers went down when I was 5th from being next. The computers were down for almost a half hour which killed me. Otherwise it really wouldn't have been that bad of a wait.

God, I just looked at my calendar and saw magic words - NOTHING IS SCHEDULED FOR TODAY. Do you know how heavenly that is?? No show, no nothing. Sweet peace.

Anyway, got back from DMV and did a little work. The kid worked until 3:30 so she didn't get up until after 12. Can't say as I blame her. My day was done around 3. I then took the train up to the city to spend the night with friends. This time there was no pretend. I knew we were going out, I brought clothes to change into, etc. We decided in advance that I would be spending the night. Makes things easier that way. Got up here around 6 and we hung out for a while.

Then we headed out for dinner. And what a dinner we had. They took me down some random alley where there were about six restaurants. Italian, American, casual, etc. They are all owned by the same group of people which means there are some overlaps in things and the quality is going to be the same regardless of food you choose. We went to the french one and pretty much noshed. Two bottles of WONDERFUL french wine, bone marrow, escargot, carpaccio, herring, salmon, and filet. Wow. What a meal. Then dessert. Double wow. I had the soft meringue and had a foodgasm right there. The waiter loved us and brought us TWO rounds of complimentary Kir Royales. We were hammered and happy by the time we left. Three plus hour meal and it was only $100 per head. Given how much food and booze we had that wasn't bad at all. No, I didn't do my usual stupid move and pick up the bill either. I was a good boy and we split it correctly. On the way back to their place we popped into the W which had a party going on. A few 'Rose Petals' later we were laughing our asses off. We got back to their apartment at around 1:15 and crashed shortly thereafter.

Some people come into your life for a reason. These two friends are incredible people and I am blessed with having met them. They don't judge me, they don't disrespect me, and more importantly? They have nothing to do with cast. I need people who are NON cast sometimes. I know I need cast to give me that 'family' I am sometimes missing - like my dumbass father who apparently was so distraught over the election people thought he might kill himself - and while I love my sister, she's not here - anyway, there is also a gap for 'friends'. People I can just enjoy things with like dinner. These two fill that gap. They provide me what I need. Today I am spending the day helping the female half of the couple shop for the male half for Christmas. We might go out tonight which is okay because I brought enough stuff if I stay again it won't be a problem. That too was discussed in advance. I like that. Less stress.

They are still asleep but I hear stirring. Time to end this...

Y4 D169

Stressed out already. I have a webinar this morning and I forgot it was 10am EASTERN. I just managed to connect to the stupid thing. Fuck me. I have too much to do today at least I feel like I do.

Goddamn I am tired. I am tired of a lot of things. I spent the whole day inside again yesterday. Two days in a row. Fun stuff.

I don't have anything to say.

I wish I had some elaborate or detailed post for this morning but the truth is I stayed inside. Sat through a two hour presentation on our new benefits company which was useless since most of it was aimed at people with significant others and small children. Talk about making me feel even worse about my life.

Everything is useless.

Y4 D168

I could write something depressing today because my head is in a dark place. Something like the notes I jotted down yesterday which went like this:

i am a scared little boy trapped inside the body of an old dying man.

i want out.

i am tired of the darkness. I am tired of trying. I save them all and yet none of them stay around to say thank you. maybe they didn't know they had been saved. maybe they didn't think they needed saving. but i knew. i always know.

but who saves me? who is there to hold my hand in the dark at night when i am alone and the tears form on my face? who watches the watchman? who saves the savior?

no one. that's who.

not a single fucking person.

while i believe i cannot be saved, it sure would be nice if someone tried once in a while...

I could also just shut up and try to find the good in the world. That's hard to do when idiots like my father are writing posts about how God shamed this country by allowing Obama to win re-election and he has tears streaming down his face. What the fuck? Seriously? Because yeah, God gives a fuck about politics. 

I am so tired of people. I am tired of stupidity. I wish something would come along and wipe out a large portion on the world. Cull the herd. 

Didn't even leave the house yesterday. Didn't even bother putting on real clothes. There was no need. Just like me. There's no need.

Y4 D167

And another election cycle comes to a close. Obama is still president, the republicans will whine, the democrats will celebrate and nothing will change. Life it will, despite anyone's protests, go on. I am not going to get into a political rant or anything about it. It is what it is. I have become so apathetic to the whole thing I just don't care. I already knew what was going to happen and voila it did.

As for me, I spent the day working, breaking only for lunch with my boss. We hadn't seen each other face to face in months. Weird huh? People ask why I don't get a 'real' job where I go to an office every day. Fuck that. Tried it, didn't work for me. I like being able to not see my boss for three months. Much more my style. Yes, I complain about things but the truth is I wouldn't get a tenth of the flexibility I get at an office job.

After lunch, worked some more. My directors were near me last night as one was getting one of her tattoos touched up. They called and asked if I would pop by the tattoo shop so we could talk about our tech goals for 2013. Sure. It was only five minutes away and I wasn't doing anything. I like the fact that they want to discuss next year with me. It means they see me as a valuable part of cast. We have had our ups and downs this last year but who hasn't? In the end, we are friends and in some ways family, and family argues. Family moves on. It's what you do.

We came up with a list of 16 items some of them realistic some nice to have. I will put it all together for my crew and see what we can achieve over the next year.

Came back home around 7 and took the kid to get burritos. Didn't feel like cooking. Didn't feel like eating really but I knew I needed to eat. Well that's a lie - I don't NEED to eat. I am fat right now and the less food the better.

Her boy toy came over last night around 8. I am really starting to dislike him. He is making it hard for the kid to look beyond the immediate. She just let a really nice guy go because of this dickhead. But if I speak my peace it won't do any good. She's going to do what she wants regardless of what I say and it will just cause conflict. I wish Disney would hurry up and give her an answer. That will make the difference. If she gets into the program she can start planning. If she doesn't, same thing. She at least will know what she is doing next year. They have four more weeks to give her an answer and it is going to be a long four weeks.

They watched Grease while I played Diablo. I went to bed around 10:30 after the movie. Even though I wasn't watching it, I was still listening to it and have all the dumb songs stuck in my head still.

Another day, another day.

Y4 D166

Had an interesting day yesterday. I went to the city in the morning for a seminar. The seminar was okay. I won't give it higher than that. Mostly because it felt too much like an informercial. It was an '8 hour' seminar on PM Fundamentals. Our bosses wanted all of us to attend as a refresher course on some good PM basics which on the surface is fine. But I use 8 hours in quotes because it was really from 9-4 with a full hour for lunch. On top of that, at least an hour of the day was spent selling us on other classes and seminars. In that respect it wasn't really a full day of material. There were probably about 50 people in the room too. I am sure it works for this company, but it made for an annoying time. After class I met a friend for drinks in the city and then took the 9:30 train home. A fun evening. Nothing exciting either, but it was nice just having a couple of drinks and then coming home. Today I have to catch up on a few things and I am supposed to have lunch with my boss.

Y4 D165

Plans change as they always do. I ended up doing NOTHING yesterday. Didn't even leave the house. I spent the entire day inside. Sigh. I did text with SG and with CG. CG is what I am calling the new one from Saturday. She is technically on cast although she doesn't come around a lot. Hence Cast Girl. It's early, I am lazy, enough said.

I truly didn't do anything yesterday except rip DVDs and play Diablo. I made a frozen pizza for dinner. The kid worked from 9-3 and then went back for a meeting from 7:30 - 9 so she wasn't home much either.

There's nothing really on my mind either today. I guess I am just old and boring. Oh wait, I knew that already..

Y4 D164

So that was a good day/night. Got up, um... did stuff in the morning? Seriously I don't remember what I did in the morning. Hmm. I slept in until 10 I know that. Then I cleaned up a bit. Played Diablo for a few hours. Took a nap. Wow. I am boring.

Kid got home from work. Went to the grocery store. Made steak tacos. Still boring.

Left for the show. I had the 'night off' meaning once I was done with my duties for music, I was able to just relax. Which I did. Music was light because we got setup late. I only had to play for about 40 minutes.

It was our birthday show and we all stood on stage for the audience and said how long we have been on cast. At 2 1/2 years I am one of the longest these days. Sheesh.

Then I started flirting with this girl. Then we started dancing. Then we started making out...

No, she went home because she drove her friend. Grrr. But she is hot. Twenty. And wanted me. Yeah, I can handle that. Went to pie, turned the clock back and was home at 3. Thank goodness for that extra hour.

Oh and I think my director's sister was drinking a bit. We were outside talking and she started dumping about her husband and getting divorced and how she was still hot for her age and okay, awkward moment...

I will say I have noticed her hanging around us more, being more open that before, etc. I just didn't know what was going on. Still not sure I want to though.

The girl from last night texted me just now. Wheeeee.

Off to the city today to go BDSM shopping. Yeah, you read that right.

Y4 D163

I am finally getting caught up on sleep!! I slept for 12 hours last night. I woke up this morning at 7 and said fuck it. Just woke up now.

Yesterday was pretty good. I was up at 5 to prep for my class. Some little snags but got them all resolved before the class started at 7. Had 7 students on the class. Class went well. No issues there either. At the end of class I got some feedback from two of the students, one of whom is a colleague, saying how much they enjoyed it and how good it was. The non-employee's words were "I have attended a lot of training classes over the years and this was one of the best". BAMF. I know my niche. I knew this 20 years ago when I started in the industry. Training is what I am good at.

After class I watched a couple more Supernatural episodes to get caught up. Then around 6 my friend came over and we went and did a little shopping. Her husband is in Chile right now for work and I wanted to give her someone to hang out with as it's been a little stressful for her with him gone. Nothing bad, but she was a little overwhelmed this week at having to take care of their new house by herself for the first time.

We did a little shopping. I got a new hat and some underwear. Spent like $50 total so didn't go insane.

I also haven't had a drink still. Proud of that. Tonight will be the real test though. If I can get through tonight without drinking I will be very proud of myself.

Got 'dumped' by the woman I was dating. I use dumped in quotes because we had only gone out a couple of times and I wasn't feeling it either. She is nice and all but way too focused on her work life. Plus she really didn't have the energy level I needed out of someone.

No, I have my little SG who I will bang like a cheap drum in less than two weeks. She is mine and I am hers. It's a fucked up relationship but it works.

Show tonight. Time to clean house and then get ready.

Y4 D162

Stressing out already. I am supposed to be teaching a class in 34 minutes and my instructor server is dead. Fuck.

Yesterday was pretty boring. Caught up on emails and other stuff. Still need to do time sheets but I will do all of that tomorrow. That's what weekends are for in my mind.

Ran some errands after work. Got food and some other essentials for the house. Nothing exciting. Caught up on two episodes of Supernatural. Went to bed at a decent time.

For once, I am happy to have nothing of any significance to report. It was a nice boring Thursday.

Y4 D161

Finally got some sleep. 5 hours, but it was sleep. The drive home was pretty uneventful yesterday. We made really good time. But when I hit the train station to meet the kid? Ugh. Sports fans. Lots and lots of them. We had a parade yesterday and every idiot in the world decided they wanted to be there it would seem.

Managed to get home and get ready for show #4 in the last six days. The show was good, kid had fun, I had fun, still haven't had a drink which is good.

Got home around 1 something and finally passed out around 2. I am not sure what else to add today since it was a pretty boring day.

I am stil physically exhausted AND have to do one more show on Saturday. I also need to do laundry bad. I think I will do laundry tomorrow. I am teaching a class tomorrow from 7-3 so early bed tonight, but after class it will be laundry time. Saturday during the day will be house cleaning. Show on Saturday night, then sleep.

Sent my bosses and email saying I am free with some extra cycles. Maybe a new project will come down the pipe. I still need one more trip before the end of the year. Crossing my fingers.

Time to catch up on things and function.