Y4 D181

I hate winter. It's all cold and shit. And raining. Rain is so damn depressing. Right now I am smiling on the outside but not so much underneath. Under the surface I am a ball of insanity. I am trying to sleep but my dreams are plotting against me. They show me things I don't want to see, people I don't want to see, etc. It's all a damn plot to push me further into the abyss.

I did decide yesterday that if I were to kill myself I would do it at Disneyland. Not in the park mind you, but on Harbor Boulevard. I would spend the day in the park then let one of the busses hit me on the way out. Those are really big busses. They would squish me flat. I figure I should be at the one place that makes me truly happy one last time and then let it kill me. The irony alone would be worth it.  Because yes, these are the things I think about.

Processed a shit ton of videos yesterday and cleaned house on folders. I discovered I am missing some stuff but it's all good. This is more my OCD kicking in that I don't like having holes in the collection. If I am going to have something, I need the whole thing. Stupid yes, but hey have you met me?

Did some scoping on a client project. Have to finish that today with a two hour conference call with the client to ask some specific questions. I think the project is less complicated than they do but I need to verify some stuff to make sure.

SG hit the road at like 6 last night. 9 hour drive by herself. I am hoping she made it safe. She was about 6 hours out at 10 pm. I worry. Hell I would worry about any of my friends making that long of a drive through mountains and ice by themselves. I worry, it's what I do.

I have another friend who has been in the hospital. I have been a horrible friend by not seeing how she is doing. I need to remedy that today. I need to make sure she is doing okay as well. Hopefully all is good.

I got wrapping paper last night and the ingredients to make mac and cheese for tomorrow's dinner. I really don't want to go. But I will and I will put on a big smile and act like I care.

Guess what today is. It's the two year anniversary of my brother's death. Whee. How time flies when you aren't looking.