Y7 D255

Standing in the shower thinking about what makes a man an outlaw or a leader. I'm thinking about power the ways a man could use it or be destroyed by it. The water hits my neck and I'm pissing on myself.

We are about to leave for Disneyland and I should be in a good place. For the most part I am. Recently I have written more about the factual things that have happened and less about the mood or the mental state of things. I think this is because I have the same demons coming up so often I have learned to simply ignore them. It's like they are so a part of me that I fail to recognize they're an important part of the decisions that reflect on the things that I do.

I guess the point is I have been spending more time in my head lately than I like. I am worried. Constantly worried. I feel guilty I can't do more. I feel saddened by the fact that the world is moving on without me because I am stuck. Stuck in a vicious cycle. I just want ahead. I want to actually look at these houses being built or up for sale and have a chance. I am tired of paying 27% interest on a credit card because I just can't give them a large enough chunk to drop it down. I am tired of always being behind. Don't get me wrong. Things are better than they were three years ago. Three years back I had $31 in my savings account. Today we have $3600. It's not a lot but it's a significant improvement. I think that's my problem. I just don't feel like I am making any headway. I have been entering contests and sweepstakes lately to try for that magic. $50,000 would change everything. It would be the most beautiful thing in the world. Life changing. $25,000 would be a significant help. Fuck, even $5,000 right now would make a huge difference. So I enter. I type my name and give away my email in the hope that somehow someway I can do it. I am also considering a new job. I know what it would do to my sanity but I want to move forward. I need to move forward. But will it be worth it? What's the price of moving ahead if it costs me my sanity, my freedom, my health? I don't know. These are the demons I battle with all day, every day. Am I good enough? Am I providing enough? Am I being a good husband? Father? Man? Human being? I don't know. The answer more often than not is no. You're a failure. You're useless. I see 20 somethings doing things I should be doing. B doesn't seem to mind because to her the future is ahead of us. She swears where we are is good. She loves our apartment. She loves how we're doing. How is she going to feel when she is 30 and I am still in the same fucking boat? To me the future is a big black pit of despair. Sigh.

Spent the day trying to put together a Windows environment to do testing and work. Took me until 6pm to finally get a hold of the right person to get the MS downloads and get my hand on the ISO I needed. Finally. I now have a 64bit Win 10 VM. What a challenge.

Packed. Got some last minute stuff for the trip. Went to bed at 9 to get up at 1:30. We leave for the airport in 2 hours. I need to ... I don't know what I need any more.