Y8 D107

It would appear I have managed to alienate myself from one of the few remaining family members I have left to whom I speak. In my infinite wisdom I let my self centered childish thoughts come out to another human being and it was not good. I know I am a narcissistic asshole. I forget sometimes the rest of the world doesn't need to hear it. I am also an envious twit. If I manage to come back that's one of the things I need to work on. Stop being so damn childish and envious of what other people have or don't have. Stop comparing myself to other people. Stop being a big fucking baby and feeling sorry for myself. My decisions were my decisions. I am in the place I am in because of me. No, that's not 100% true. Sorry, but it's not. There are people in this world who took things from me. Things I worked for and earned that got stolen away. Things they didn't earn or deserve. I can be mad at those people but not at others who didn't do anything to me. There's where I need to grow up. I just feel like such a failure sometimes. Most of the time. I lie and smile and act like things are fine but inside, deep inside, I know that I am a useless piece of shit who has screwed himself over. This is why I avoid people. So I can stop feeling bad about myself when they have successes. Actually feel happiness for other people when they move ahead. But when you're stuck and can't ever move ahead it's really hard to show happiness. Instead you get bitter and cold inside. I am an old cup of coffee. Bitter, cold, disgusting and no one wants that. Or me. Because the bitterness comes out at the wrong times. Because I say shit I shouldn't say. One more relationship destroyed. Good job stupid. Add this to the list of things I have fucked up. The never ending tally of destruction.

Taught class until 2:30. Napped. Went to dinner and the store around 5:30. Got a mattress bag to store the old one. Got some cash for the delivery guys today. Had dinner. Came back and started rearranging the bedroom. That took until 10pm. We managed to get most of it down to the garage. I need the delivery guys help taking down the last part. Hopefully they will help me. Went to bed. Had a dream I was playing golf with George Takei. I got a hole in one.

Positive news - the kid went to the DMV and got the car situated. It is officially registered in her name as non-operational. She can now sell it, donate it, burn it. The one thing in my life I haven't fucked up is that kid. She turned out okay. I can take pride in that. She's a good human being and will do good in this world. Make up for the sins of the father. I am all seven rolled into one. I am too prideful when things go well, I am fat fucking sloth and glutton. I envy way too much. I want it all and I want it now. I horde my shit because I fear someone will take what I have left. Mine. All mine. I am angry. Very angry. I am angry at a god who doesn't care. I am angry at people who leave me behind in their wake and benefit from my pain. Lust. Lust is the only one I don't have. But that causes me trouble too. Maybe I should work on that one and just knock all seven at once. I did the feel good hit of the summer, I can do this. Reserve my spot in hell and be done with it.