ANA Y1 D218

We slept the fuck in. Woo. My sleep app said I had a 90% quality. That's the highest I have ever recorded. Didn't get up until 7:45. I am baking for tonight so had to start that before writing. Had a great last Friday of the year. We accomplished so much. Ended the year with, I mean on, a bang.

Got up and started ribs They came out beautiful. Went to therapy and had a great session. Came back, did laundry, got work done, mounted a new pot rack in the kitchen to the ceiling, had our ribs, had sex, played video games, fell asleep around midnight.

This dear readers is all I want for 2023. A simple life of cooking, loving, and being loved. I have waited my entire life for this relationship. There is no animosity. There is no resentment. I am wanted. I am loved. I have a partner. I had to go through hell to find my happiness. But it also had a lot to do with me recognizing and accepting my authentic self. As cliche as it sounds, I couldn't be loved fully until I loved myself. This has been a year of coming out, moving forward, and finding my true path. Seven months of this year were pure insanity. They truly were. From B dumping her shit on me, starting hormones, being poly for a week, getting divorced, finding C. Wow. It is true. I have lived a lifetime this year. All I know is I can't go backwards. The door has been opened. I will only push forward. 

It's all we can do. I love all of you and thank you for standing by me during this hectic year. 

ANA Y1 D217

Had a really bad nightmare last night. Woke up around 2:15, fell back to sleep and ended up in the same nightmare until 3. Fuck my brain.

Got more work accomplished yesterday. Made pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. It randomly warmed up last night around 8pm so at 9 we went for a walk. About a mile or so. Was nice being outside and just walking. Our goal for 2023. More physical activity like that. We're off to a good start.

We also worked on getting the last of B's stuff from upstairs to downstairs. I want all their stuff in one central location so when the time comes, poof, gone. Have a little more left, then the stuff that needs to be separate down in storage. Poof. Gone.

Therapy this morning, then more work, then I am off for three days.

ANA Y1 D216

I had a rough night. Couldn't get comfortable. Woke up twice with hands asleep. First it was the left, then an hour later the right. My back hurts. My dreams were weird. I don't remember them but I recall waking up going WTF was that all about. Both of us went to bed in an off mood so that didn't help. Our moods weren't caused by each other, but rather all the people in our lives. Hell truly is other people.

I got a ton of work accomplished yesterday. Finished one class and got all of the slide work done on a second class. I should be able to finish this class today or tomorrow. First week in a while where I did something useful.

Also got some things done around the house. Managed to empty all of B's shit out of the bathroom and hall closet. The space it freed up was incredible. We've also been moving the kitchen around and making it work more for us. Slowly things are coming together.

Used the rest of our ground beef last night. Made burgers. Quite tasty. Tonight we're doing pulled pork. Plus we have groceries coming today.

More recording. This year needs to end. Like now.

ANA Y1 D215

It is a sad quiet morning here in the house. The good news is the fucking cat is gone. No one screaming at me, no one climbing all over me. No one waking me up in the middle of the night. We slept with the door open for the first time in months. I have my office door open right now. This is good and joyful. But. The fucking bitch took Pip too. That came out of nowhere. I was not ready for that. My baby dog is gone. As much as I fought getting that dog. As much as that dog drives me nuts. I fucking miss her. I love that stupid dog and now, because they wanted her, she's gone. I don't know when I will see her again. This all happened last night and it was really weird sleeping without her. Just not happy right now. I miss her following me around. I miss her stinky breath. There is a great sadness here and more resentment. I feel they see that dog as a fashion accessory. She was so confused last night when she left. Dammit. Now I am going to cry again.

Spent the day recording. Got through a big chunk. More today. That's all I am working on this week. I also had a two hour mentoring session with a client. Work is okay. Nothing to report there.

We used our new meat grinder last night. Ground up a two pound chuck roast and used half to make meatballs. We had wonderful meatballs subs for dinner. After we used up some of our fruit that was about ready to go. Made cotton candy grape juice and raspberry/strawberry/watermelon juice. This is our goal for 2023. Less waste, less eating out, more shit we make ourselves. Less processed food. Both of us have weight and body goals for the year. We want to improve our diets and add more physical activity. I have to say, I haven't felt this alive in years. I am excited and eager to do physical activities. I am excited at what will come next year.

And we WILL be getting a new dog.

One last thing; C and I discussed B's childish behavior again last night. When they came over to get stuff, A at least was interactive and talked to both of us. B basically snubbed C. Why? Because she was in the kitchen prepping our dinner. What we think is that B saw her "backup plan" being shot down. If it doesn't work out with A, I am going to be less inclined to allow them back in this house. If I were alone, it'd be easy for them to come back here. But they instead see me moving forward. They see me not the quivering wreck they expected. This is your bed. Welcome to it. The same goes for the dog. If the dog overwhelms them, sorry, can't bring her back here. WE have our own. Deal with it. Deal with the consequences of your actions like a goddamn adult. 

ANA Y1 D214

 I am already two hours behind schedule. I have actual work to do this week but when my alarm went off I went back to sleep because that stupid fucking cat kept me up half the night. She was getting into everything all night. I went to bed around 10:30, was up at 11:30, 12:10, and 2 taking shit away from her, picking up stuff she knocked over, or just generally being woken up by her nonsense. Add to that my neck hurts for some reason. I'm already in a shit mood and not having any of this. 

Yesterday was very unproductive over all. Not a bad thing though. The biggest thing we got accomplished was mounting the tv on the wall. That was a big deal. Took a few hours, but we got it done. I am very happy with the result. I measured and marked thrice before taking the drill to the wall. I cannot afford for this thing to fall off the wall. So while it took longer than I wanted, it was worth it. I was able to use one of the outlets that was there on the wall already so there's only one thin power cable coming down from behind. Not ideal, but better than two.

We also went to the grocery store yesterday. Got some stuff for the week. We have a party to go to on Saturday night for NYE (my first NYE party in how many years??). I need to figure out what to make for that. Haven't fully decided yet, but I will be bringing a dessert of some type. I am thinking pineapple upside down cake. Easy, quick, and usually goes over well with people. Maybe a cherry bundt cake. That also is a winner. Either way, I have cooking to do on Saturday. Our menu for the week is planned out and we have fresh produce and fruit coming Thursday for more juicing. Last night we had leftover roast made into cheesesteak sandwiches. Quite tasty.

We watched some tv, played some video games, and had an overall good day. This week I have to record. So let's get this shit rolling.

ANA Y1 D213

I HAD THE BEST XMAS IN YEARS IF NOT DECADES! No seriously. I had the most incredible day. From start to finish it was just awesome. We got up before six, present opening happened by 6:30. C was so happy with all her presents as I was with mine. Then the best part - KILLING CHRISTMAS!! By noon we had everything put away, cleaned up, and the house back to normal. I always love the post Xmas house. It feels so clean and reorganized. No junk anywhere, no piles of things. Ah, it feels so good. We had company for a while - B and A came over and got the pantry out of our house. It was a pleasant visit. Only word for it. It was not good or bad. Everyone was on best behavior. Ironically though I decided to wear big girl clothes where as those two were dressed in matching onesie pajamas that they were wearing around in public. You go. Be you. Weirdos. They weren't even cute jammies. I had on new houndstooth pants and a nice sweater. C had on very sharp new VS jammies. We looked good. They looked frumpy and midwest. Just saying. 

My roast was fucking perfect. So happy with how it turned out and there is a perfect amount of leftovers for steak sammies tonight. Have to go to the store for rolls. We played scrabble after dinner and then tried out our new juicer!! Two pineapples, six oranges, and one apple made four bottles of juice. Gonna have some this morning with our new stuffed waffles! Woo! We watched some tv on the couch and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a great fucking day. Like for real. I am just so content right now. I have finally found my missing piece. Took me most of my life to find out what makes me happy, but better that than never at all.

C wants to go ice skating today. Okay. We can do that. It's cheap and fun so let's do it. I have the day off and am in no rush. We have to mount the tv on the wall today but that's our only plans. May your day be wonderful and stress free.

ANA Y1 D212

 MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES!!

Technically I woke up at 2am but forced myself back to sleep. This is my first Xmas as a girl. I am so excited. I wore a pretty dress last night even though we didn't go anywhere because I could. C didn't get home until around 2, but we had the bestest time. I spent the morning starting a roast, doing laundry, cleaning the house. Took a nap and waited patiently. We made enchiladas and tamales for dinner. Then we made snickerdoodles. Had Xmas Eve sex. Watched all my Xmas TV and went to bed around 11. I woke up at 2 insanely awake. I have presents. I am excited.

I had two weird dreams. In the first, we were living on the 20th floor of a fancy building with restaurants on the ground floor. Apparently I left my suitcase at one of them. Odd. The second one was annoying. B and A were living in an abandoned gas station, I had a property at a new Disney venture in IL, and they were trying to clean towels in a dishwasher. Don't ask. It was strange.

Okay. Present time. May your day be as magical as mine. 

ANA Y1 D211

C comes home today! There's only 18 hours until Xmas!! WOO! I am clearly doing much better this morning. I slept better. Still had weird fucking dreams, but I slept better. It snowed more which sucks ass. The dog all day yesterday fought going outside hard. I don't blame her, but you can't poop in my house dog. Sorry. I'm freezing out here too.

Taught my class, passed out from exhaustion, had fish sticks and tater tots for dinner. Watched some TV, went to bed at 10pm. Literally nothing exciting happened because the streets are blocked, the wind is howling, and snow is upon us. I am really worried about C driving home. She's an hour away currently but I expect it to take her two. We are doing a traditional Latino dinner tonight of tamales and enchiladas. She'd better make it home. Our first Xmas together.

I was thinking last night about old girlfriends. How I managed to get a good six months with the young one only for her to realize I'm too ancient. We both know that was a toxic situation. I wasn't in my right head. But I do worry the same thing will happen with C. But who cares. Enjoy the ride. It's all I can do, right?

ANA Y1 D210

Yesterday wasn't any better. I woke up in the middle of the night from a scary ass nightmare only to go back to sleep and have more. I don't function well alone. I just don't. It snowed. I have to pay bills. Have to teach another day of class. I just want to sleep. I just want to go away. I want life to move forward. Is it Xmas yet?

ANA Y1 D209

Yesterday just sucked. C had to leave and won't be back until Friday at the earliest, possibly not until Saturday now. B and A left in the morning then came back and were being all weird. B had a breakdown in the driveway, then came back later in the night to ruin my dinner and start an argument. Then I had to sleep alone. Not cool.

Some more details on everything. C's family drives her nuts because like B, they don't know how to make plans and stick with them. First they were doing Xmas on Saturday. Then it changed to Friday. Then it changed as to who was driving her dad. Then it changed to when his doctor appointment is scheduled for. Will it be in person? Will it be remote? No one seems to know. So she ended up going back last night to try and just put all of this to rest. She managed to nail down the doc appointment. 8am this morning, remote. Good. One thing done. But now everyone is all over as to where and when they will do Xmas. Once again, these are the days I am happy to have just me. I am here, I am doing Xmas on Sunday. Done. Worst case, she will be back late Saturday so we can at least have Xmas day together. More to come on that.

As for B and A, they slept in the basement Tuesday night, woke up yesterday and were being all whispery. Apparently they felt awkward being here. Well no shit sherlock. Of course you feel awkward. You're in your exes basement. Go. Be gone. They did take a bunch of stuff and were gone for most of the day. B asked if they could come back over in the evening to get more. Of course. Before they left I asked for the garage remote back. Cue the waterworks. Ugh. Fine. Keep it. Don't care. I spent the rest of the day working. I managed to get all my servers started for today's class, wrote another blog post, and dealt with emails. 

I finally went to make dinner around 6:30 when B shows back up. They interrupted my dinner with their tales of woe about how A is autistic and used to living alone and how they have no backup plan and it feels like I am kicking them to the curb. On and on. All I wanted was for them to take the cat. After an hour of all this I got them to agree to take the cat on Tuesday. One cat down. Yes! Small victory. As for everything else, we agreed to wait until after Xmas to sort it all out. Fine. No problem. She threatened alimony again and I held my tongue. She seems to think she has some grounds to stand on but doesn't realize how ruthless I will be if it comes to that. I will destroy her. Plain and simple. I will show how money was spent on drugs. How she didn't contribute to the household. How she forced me into a parental role. It will not be pretty. But if we keep it civil, we will get through this. 

Two days of teaching and then it's the weekend. I can make it.

ANA Y1 D208

They are still in my basement. Apparently the place they will be living is a mess and they spent all day yesterday just cleaning and getting it up to livable standards. The shower was completely unusable so they showered at our place. All good. They have promised to be out today and to take a large chunk of stuff with them. Okay. C has to leave today for a few days. She has to go back to deal with her dad, do Xmas with the family, and then will be back late on Friday. This was the tradeoff for them not having to go anywhere Xmas Eve or Xmas. I will accept this. We had a rough day though as a result. Any time she has to go back she gets very moody because she knows what it's going to be like and it depresses her. Understandably so. I tried to lighten the mood by taking her to B-Dubs last night, but it only sort of worked. We also went to home depot and bought a new showerhead because the one right now technically is B's and I gave it back to them. We had an adventure putting the new one up. Wet t-shirt contest in our bathroom. But it was fun. I did get a huge piece of work done yesterday. More today. Then two days of teaching which is perfect because I will be distracted until the weekend. Then three days off. This year needs to end.

ANA Y1 D207

Well, the Alaskanites have returned and are currently sleeping in my basement with their dog. No, that's not weird at all. Yeah right. The upside is that on their 2500 mile drive across country they finally decided to continue living together. Thank god. The plan is for them to get keys to their place today and take at least the bed from the basement and buh-bye. From there it's a matter of packing stuff and getting it out of the house. They will need a U-Haul at some point, but there's a plan and they are moving forward. All I can ask for right now. This also lifts much of the anxiety and stress me and C were facing all day yesterday. It was just this underlying vibe all day. Poor C was a mess most of the day not knowing how things would go. But we survived, and we will be moving forward. It will be a few months until they're more solid in their finances and life, but at least they will be out of my basement. Baby steps.

I had meetings yesterday and worked on random stuff for 2023. Have a couple of blog posts to write today but otherwise it's a quiet week. We had a friend over for dinner (B didn't get here until 9:30pm) and exchanged Xmas presents. She gave us some nice skin care and makeup products. We gave her a steam mop. Everyone was happy. Made indian food for dinner.

All in all, things are moving forward. Let's see how the rest of this week goes.

ANA Y1 D206

B is scheduled to arrive home tonight. One day sooner than originally planned. Bleh. As of 10pm last night they were in Lincoln Nebraska. Roughly 800 miles away. Unless something major happens they should roll in around 9 or 10pm tonight. Let combat begin.

We were out of the house for nearly 7 hours yesterday. We spent the whole day outside in 27 degree weather participating in Pokemon community day. We were amongst the very few nutjobs who got out of their car. Most people stayed in their vehicles and drove around the park. Not us. Nope. But we got all the shiny ones, hatched all the eggs, and basically had an incredible time spending the day together. We walked nearly 5 miles, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company. I couldn't ask for a better time. Seriously. I was freezing my ass off all day, but it was worth it. On the way home we stopped at a fancy grocery store, got some random dinner stuff, came home, assembled a makeshift dinner with stuff and some leftovers. Then we had sex for the last time in what might be a while depending on what B is up to. I am dreading their arrival today but also looking forward to putting a plan in place for them to move on. But we knew we would have last night and that would be it for a little while. So we took advantage of the time. Then we took a shower, vegged out for a while, and hit the bed at 10pm.

I had massively stupid dreams. I can't remember most but I know I woke up at 3am annoyed as fuck. It was not a good sleep night for me.

Have a meeting at 2:30 today, need to pick up prescriptions, friend coming over for dinner, and to open Xmas presents. Otherwise, it's the final week before Xmas! WOO! 138 hours people.

ANA Y1 D205

I slept in late this morning. I didn't go to bed until midnight so it's not that surprising. I did wake up at 3:30 and debated getting up then. I probably should have but oh well. It's 8:25 and I have to deal with that.

We had a very busy day yesterday. Most of it was spent getting our hair did. We got there at 8:30 and left around 1pm. We had Coney Island for lunch which was awful and C has expressed that unless being held at gunpoint we will never eat there again. Thank god. We got home and then proceeded to pokemon for a while, then ordered pizza. We watched TV, played video games, straightened up a bit, went to bed.

B is in Utah. 24 hours, 1600 miles away by my calculations. Turns out they were in a rear end accident dropping off the rental on Friday. I totally missed the message because you know, I was living my own life. It was almost a hit and run. They're okay, but it was a rental and who knows the repercussions to come.

Today is a BIG community day and we are going to poke for hours.

Voice used: salon, grocery store, delivery person
Misgendered: 0

ANA Y1 D204

I'm up. I don't want to be but we have shit to do this morning. Major stuff going on today. Both of us have hair appointments and we have to be out of here in the next three hours. Got to get moving.

BUSY but good day yesterday. I had an excellent therapy appointment at 7:30am. Discussed a lot of things. Mostly trying to figure out how next week to set clear boundaries with B when they are back in town. As of right now, they are on the road. They are driving home with the expectation of being back in MI on Monday. That's like soon. It's going to up end my world. C will still be here. Xmas is right around the corner. It's going to be crazy and hectic. It's going to be a wild time and it's filling me with anxiety and nerves. But it has to happen. Just need to rip this Band-Aid off and move forward. That was a big topic yesterday. 

Did some work, wrapped some final presents that showed up, C drew and worked on that stuff, I worked on documents. When the work day was done, we had a great night. We made winter sangria with cranberries and rosemary. I made sous vide salmon for dinner. We played Pokemon and I caught a shiny legendary. That means nothing to most of you but to us it's pretty cool. Then we did something neither of us has ever done. We built an Oreo gingerbread house. Oh my. What a challenge that was. E-Z build my ass. It does not look very pretty but we like it. 

That was about it. It was a good day.

Voice used: grocery store
Misgendered: 0

ANA Y1 D203

Morning. Welcome to your morning announcements. Here's Chip with the latest from the west coast. Well folks, looks like snow and weather are causing some delays. Truck delivery is pushed at least one day as of now. Truck will be arriving in Seattle on the 20th. The plan is for two crazy lesbians and a dog to drive cross country in snowy conditions and attempt to make it home by December 23rd. We wish them luck folks, lord knows they're going to need it. Oh and special report, we heard they visited someone's favorite ice cream place on the west coast and had the nerve to post pictures. It was a low blow folks, but it is what it is.

Meanwhile back at the stable...

Me, I'm just over here doing my thing. Grocery shopping, house cleaning, webinar giving, client meetings, feeding and caring for the animals, you know, the adult stuff. Keeping the lights on and the roof over the head. Good old fashioned stuff like that. Remaining Xmas presents starting to arrive. Got things wrapped up and under the tree. Made a chinese mess for dinner. Beef lo-mien, shrimp fried rice, pork potstickers. Was tasty but not my best work. Tonight is salmon. That will come out better I know. C got her new drawing tablet and was head over heels. She spent like 4 hours drawing on it yesterday. Was really exciting watching it come together. Unlike someone else, I don't feel like it was money wasted. I feel like they will benefit from this purchase and use this tablet for a long time. Kid sent me a Xmas gift from China. I'm very curious to know what the heck it is. She said it won't get here until Jan, but that's cool. It's not like I don't have enough under the tree already. 

Therapy this morning followed by writing. We have our hair appointment tomorrow but tonight we're going to start house cleaning and make a gingerbread house together. That should be a lot of fun. We shall see.

Voice used: delivery people, grocery store, internal meeting
Misgendered: 0

ANA Y1 D202

The title of this blog is ridiculous these days, but it works and I won't change it for another 163 days. I'm too stubborn. I have 163 days to come up with some more clever. How's that working out for me? Being clever. We'll see.

ANYWAY... 

Had a fun fucking day yesterday. I did something I have never done before in my life. No not that, I've done that. I went ICE SKATING! Yes, that's right. I strapped shoes with razor blades on to my foots and swooshed over ice. For four years B has been trying to convince me to go. It took C less than a week to convince me. She looked up the info, gave me the times, gave me the cost, and the next thing you know I'm out there like Gretzky tearing it up. No, not really. I mostly shuffled and kept from falling down, but dammit, I skated! It was pretty cool. There were only five other people on the ice when we got there and I never felt intimidated or in the way. We skated for about an hour which was more than enough for me. Next up I am getting C on a skateboard. Turn about is fair play after all.

I also did the works during the day. Helped out a client or two, did some marketing stuff, and prepped for today's webinar. I have solid meetings from noon until 4 today. It's a busy one. But I got everything ready yesterday so I can ease into it today with no problems.

For dinner I made lamb chops. My god they came out perfect. I was so happy with how they turned out. Served them with baby fingerling potatoes and my fancy peas. It was an excellent dinner. Very happy. Then we both let our dinner settle, played some video games, and oh no, we're naked in the bedroom. Oh darn. How did that happen? Oh well. Mustn't let this go to waste. Heh. We tried counting how many times we've had sex and we both gave up. All I know is that I am pretty sure I have beaten the last 4-5 YEARS of my time with B already. Sad, but clearly a sign. Sigh. It is what it is.

We had a visitor in our yard yesterday. Check this:

Pretty fucking scary and cool, right? He sniffed around and left, but it was definitely a shock to see. I hope he's okay. If he's coming this close to people, he might be hurt. I would have left something out for him, but it's raining and it would have gotten soggy. Poor pupper.

Okay, time to get ready for the day. C has a doc appointment, I have meetings, then stir fry for dinner.

ANA Y1 D201

Had an incredibly busy day yesterday. From dealing with work stuff, giving the dog a bath, voice therapy, having a friend over, it was just non-stop until almost 11pm. The big issue was voice therapy. My first appointment was at 10am. I left the house at 9:20 and got to the parking lot at 9:33. I then spent the next 23 minutes trying to find a parking space. I finally got so frustrated I cancelled the appointment. As I was driving home they called to apologize and rescheduled me for 2:30. This time I got there at 1:30 and didn't find a space until 2:05. Seriously. I drove around the parking lot the whole fucking time. The issue is they're in the middle of building a new garage. As such they have reduced the number of visitors spots and there's horrible construction. It's a madhouse. I was so frustrated that it made it hard to focus on my appointment. I am glad I went though. I got good information and have some good things to practice until my next session in January. But goddamn the parking situation needs to improve. My voice doc wants me to start keeping track of where I used my new voice and how many times I am gendered right/wrong. So that's going to go in here.

I did manage to get a blog post written and presentation done for work. That felt good. It's getting to be that time of year where there just isn't a lot to do so having something to focus on helps. 

We have the dog a bath because she was stinky. That was an adventure. We made pretzels with our friend who came over. Had McDonald's for dinner since I was craving it. First time in months I have had fast food. It was alright for once. We had a nice visit with our friend. 

B has made it to Seattle and will be heading to Portland today. They're planning to be back in MI by the 21st. Not looking forward to that. 

Today we're going ice skating. Yep.

Voice used: McDonald's.
Gendered: None

ANA Y1 D200

200 days. That means it's been 215 days since my life went woops. On one hand that sounds like a lot. On the other, it's a drop in the proverbial bucket. I seriously have lived more in these last 200 days than some people will live in their entire lives. I've had more tattoos in that period than some people will ever get. I've loved, I've lost, I've laughed, I've cried (a lot), I've grown, I've hidden away. I've made and lost people in 200 days. I've been on trips. I've spent weeks in the house. I've changed physically and mentally. It's been a whirlwind of excitement and drama. The best part is that it's only the start. I have so much farther to go on my journey. Plus I have a partner who wants to take that journey with me. I have someone who is willing to stand by my side and explore this world. Proof of this? Yesterday C had to drive back to her dad's and was supposed to spend the night coming home this morning. Instead, she drive six hours total just to be back here and sleep in our bed together. I would have done the same thing but it's a new one for me to have a partner willing to make that kind of sacrifice for me. I have spent 10 years being the one who makes the sacrifices that it just blows my mind it can be reciprocated. Crazy. C left around 11 and was home by 9. 10 hours out of the house. During that time I taught for 5.5, did other work for a couple, and was prepared to sleep alone. I was all settled in on the couch watching bad tv when she came home. Made me smile and cry. See? A lot of crying in 200 days. Some of it good.

B leaves Alaska today after 42 days. They still have to wait for the truck in Seattle, then drive from there to MI. They won't be home for at least another week, but it's getting closer where I will have to deal with them. Not looking forward to the drama. 

Today I have voice therapy and some marketing stuff to do. If I get it done early enough I think C and I might go ice skating.

ANA Y1 D199

I really dislike waking up on a Monday morning to multiple emails. It's rude. It's disrespectful of my personal time and space. I have been bitching about this since I started this blog, but nothing ever changes. I will continue to bitch about it until the end of time. It is what it is. This morning's were even more annoying than ever as one of them was about some technology that I literally know nothing about, couldn't care less about, and will probably never use unless forced to because of a client. I can't keep up any more. There's too many to try and keep straight. Just done.

We had a pretty good day. We drove to the piercing shop, had her nose looked at, had lunch, walked around a little bit, headed home. Her nose is okay according to the shop. She just needs to be patient and let it heal. I know that feeling. Wanting it to be healed, worried it's not good, etc. But the shop said give it another month and watch it. She wasn't sold on that answer but she accepted it.

We had a platter of leftovers for dinner. Then we watched the final two episodes in season 2 of euphoria. We cried, a lot. Played some video games and went to bed around 11pm. She has to go back to her old place today to do some things and will be gone for about 24 hours. It's going to be a rough 24 hours for both of us. But we will survive. We have to whether we like it or not. I teach today believe it or not. From 12:30-5:30. Then nothing. Play some games and go to bed early is the plan.

ANA Y1 D198

It's morning. I woke up an hour ago at 5:40 and fell back to sleep. I needed it. We didn't go to bed until nearly midnight. Still really not enough sleep. Never is. I had the most bizarre dreams. Buying a house in Australia. But in the 1970s. Trying to get out of the deal but knowing that if I held on to it the house would be worth millions today. Using a public restroom and no one caring. Weird. My brain is weird. 

We got a lot accomplished yesterday. The new table came. I really like it. Right now we have a leaf in it but I think that's going to change. It's just a little too long with the leaf in and I keep bumping one of the chairs when I walk by. I think I need to make it just a little smaller. Might do that this morning. Changed the lights in the driveway. They've been out for weeks and I just never seem to find the time to do it. Made it a priority yesterday. Big task was cleaning out the fridge and pantry. We threw away two garbage bags of outdated and old food. Some stuff went back as far as 2018. Seriously. Just gone. I felt so dumb still having stuff like that in there. Like why does this still exist? Needs to go. Ironically, some stuff I thought was bad still is good through 2023. Go figure. But at least I know everything in there right now is edible. We went to home depot to look for a couple of things but didn't find what we wanted. We did find some nice lights for the kitchen. But they have to wait. Maybe next year. They're only $250 each, but that's $500 I don't need to spend right now. For at least the next month or two, if I can't pay for it in cash, it ain't happening.

Made potato soup for dinner. Came out really nice. It was snowing last night and having some soup, watching tv, and staying in cozy on the couch was the perfect Saturday night. We watched three more episodes of Euphoria. Insane show. If that show didn't win every award someone is an idiot. Only two more to go in this season.

We had sex as well. Like good, long, slow sex. The kind that turns from physical act into intimate moment. It's nice to finally be desired and have a partner I desire. I wonder about myself some times. How many times was I with someone because I didn't want to be alone and nothing more? How many times did I marry someone because I was supposed to and not because I wanted to? Three. That's the answer to that question. I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe just two. One for sure. Two maybe. But no more. I am an idiot dreaming that I can have a life with C that will be long and good. I'm too old. I am too tired. But for however long it does last, I will enjoy every minute. I don't think either of us is going anywhere soon, but I know it's going to get rougher the longer we're together. I will get older and more tired. If they're like me at my age, I won't have the energy for them. It might take 20 years, but at some point, she will have had enough. I know this. She will need more. Just going to enjoy it while it lasts.

We have to make a drive today. Her nose piercing isn't looking good. We are going to the shop where she had it done and having them take a look. Hopefully everything is okay. It may be rejecting. If it is, that's going to be sad. She really likes it but it is what it is. Crossing my fingers for a positive outcome.

ANA Y1 D197

Up early on a saturday. The new dining room table is coming. I cancelled my tattoo last night. I can't spend the money. I've spent too much in the last six months thanks to someone fucking my life up and pets needing more medical help than humans. I need a break. I need to be poor for the next year. I need help. I need guidance. I need another pandemic. I need lockdown. I need help. I need to live a quiet life. I need to get someone out of my life. I need to get back ahead. I need a catastrophe to hit the world. I need a bonus. I need a new job. I need help. I need a side hustle. I need a partner who can contribute. I need my space so I can rent it out. I need help.

ANA Y1 D196

Well bills are paid once again. My big accomplishment for the morning. Money comes in, money goes out. Money goes to people who don't deserve it. To people who have spent 47 days having no responsibilities and no pressures. People who haven't had to deal with horking animals, bills constantly coming in, dealing with the day to day realities of life. No, people who get to play on glaciers and drive through winter wonderlands posting videos get money. The slaves to the grind who have to work when they're sick and pretend to care about jobs that mean nothing, we're the ones paying out the money. We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world.

Meh, don't get me wrong. I am happy still. I am happy with C and our little life. I'm annoyed at everything else. I want B to come home so they can take over some of the annoyances of these animals, but I also don't want them coming home and interfering with my joy. C and I are in a groove. We've settled into a nice little life. I can be happy with it. It's nothing exciting but she doesn't want or need exciting. She wants and needs stability and quiet. I can give her that. I need a partner who pulls their share. I need someone who wants me physically. I need someone who has my back when I need them. She gives me all that. So yeah, let me bitch and moan, but at the end of the day, I'm okay.

Did a webinar dry run yesterday plus a few meetings. Nothing exciting or too taxing. I made swordfish for dinner, baked some cookies, and made a loaf of french bread. We got a grocery delivery which had the swordfish in it. Decided to use it right then. I've been really pleased with my Imperfect Foods deliveries. Saves me from going to the store, gives me a lot of nice produce, and things I wouldn't normally think to buy, like swordfish. It's really helping with my meal planning and budgeting. We've spent very little eating out lately. Dinners in most nights. This pleases me. We watched the last episode of season 1 of Euphoria. What an incredible show. Just mind blowing. From the cinematography to the makeup to the clothes to the acting to the story lines. I have been blown away by every episode. I am excited to start season 2. We will start it this weekend. Once we are done I am moving her on to Justified. My turn to show a show. We shall see if she likes it. That or House just because I want to re-watch House. 

Today I have some work, then we're going for pizza. We have to feed someone else's responsibility as usual, move a dining room table as our new one comes tomorrow, but otherwise we're good. We want to go ice skating maybe this weekend. We shall see how that plan goes.

ANA Y1 D195

I still feel like death warmed over. It's moving from my nose to my throat. I woke up multiple times just dry and unable to breathe. Good times. I tried sleeping some yesterday during the day. It helped a bit. I still managed to get work done and have a 4pm meeting. Made mahi tacos for dinner and both of us were in bed by 10 because C isn't feeling any better than me. I need a couple more days of sleeping and not leaving the damn house. I have two meetings today and once I get through them I'm good. Nothing else on the calendar for today. I made an eye doc appointment for January. My thoughts are all over right now. I think I need to fall down now.

ANA Y1 D194

I feel like shit this morning. I hab a colb. My nose is stopped up beyond belief. I tossed and turned all night unable to breathe. No, it's not COVID again, it's just a normal every day cold. It sucks. Big time. Driving me nuts. This better pass quickly. Or there will be hell to pay.

Did work yesterday and the desk arrived. I started setting it up around 2 and we finished around 5:30. It's a million times more sturdy. More room, adjustable height. Cup holder. Even fits my giant ass water bottle in it. We had leftovers for dinner. C is also suffering so neither of us had any motivation to do anything. We watched Euphoria and went to bed.

Meetings today, then more of nothing. I want to just sleep. 

ANA Y1 D193

Hi. I'm okay this morning. A little tired. I slept well, but rough. I woke up a bit, tossed and turned, and C said I was talking a lot in my sleep. I remember that. I don't remember what I was saying, but I do recall being half awake and mumbling things. Pressure on the brain.

C had a good birthday yesterday and that's all that matter. My day started with voice training. It went well. I have weekly sessions for the next few weeks to get me where I need to be. I have to practice 15-20 minutes per day on vowels at a certain pitch. Okay. It's weird but needed. I was practicing last night when we went out and got ma'amed a lot. Nice. I do like my doctor. She's tiny and funny. I have appointments booked with her through Feb. We shall see how much improvement I have made by then. 

After doctor I worked, then we went out to dinner. Had some trouble finding some place open on a Monday unfortunately but finally found a little hole in the wall that was pretty good. I was happy. We then met up with our friend and went bowling. After bowling we came home, had ice cream, and watched a movie. A successful day.

New desk arrives today. That and work are the game plan.

ANA Y1 D192

Let's start with the positives, shall we? C is back!! She got home around 6:30pm last night. Was so happy she was home. I made homemade meatballs with angel hair and homemade sauce. We had it with some cheesy garlic bread and baby carrots. She also brought a TON more of her stuff with her this time. She is 70% living here now. Plus today is her birthday! WOO! We're going to have Indian for dinner, go bowling, and I have an ice cream in the freezer for her. Presents are on the table. Not to mention we had sex last night and didn't even plan on it or mean to. We were just fooling around a little because we hadn't seen each other in so long and next thing you know HELLO NURSE. It just underlines the attraction I have towards her. I can't help myself. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. She makes me feel wanted and desired and attractive. I mean we did it lights on, pets on bed. We're that into each other that nothing else matters. I know on some level I am substituting X2 and the closure I never got. Or even more to the point, it feels like a second chance to do that over again the right way. Regardless, maybe there's nothing wrong with that? Maybe I am overthinking it and the reality is just because someone looks like someone else it has more to do with having a type than it does with having some deep seated emotional reason. Maybe I should stop overthinking and just enjoy the ride. I don't know. I don't want to mess this one up this time. I know there's also a lot of differences between X2, B, X1, and the myriad of other people I have dated over the last 15-20 years. When I stop trying to analyze everything to death, I see more clearly that it really is that I just have a type. Height. Hair color. Physical body size and attributes. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. There's no law saying every partner has to be a polar opposite. Society just makes us feel bad in that respect. "Oh did you see Joe's new girlfriend looks just like his ex-wife?" Maybe because Joe likes certain things. Ever think about that?? Not everything is as heavy as people try to make it out to be. There's a topic for therapy I guess.

Speaking of therapy, I start voice work today. In 3.5 hours I will be heading out to meet with the doctor. I am nervous and excited at the same time. It is a big leap for me. I also spent time yesterday filling out the name change forms. I want to get those submitted by end of year so I can have my court date as early in 2023 as possible. I want to spend as many days with my new name as I can. I am not changing it drastically or dramatically. It's a simple name change. But it will be a big difference. So yeah, excited about that.

In the negative column, I had a really bad dream last night. I slept well but the dream just kind of messed me up. I didn't like it. It was too vivid and too realistic. I was living with "family" who thought what I was doing was "against god and nature" and took my hormones from me. Very upsetting. 0 out of 10. I woke up from it twice. Twice. I woke up and ended up right back in the same dream. Not cool. Luckily I was calmer when I woke up and had C right next to me. I love rolling over and finding them right there. We sleep literally on top of each other. May that never change.

Time to get ready to embark on a new journey!

ANA Y1 D191

 It's finally Sunday!! THAT MEANS C COMES HOME! YAY!!! In less than 12 hours she will be home and I will feel more put together and complete. It has been a long week without her. For both of us. Making pasta and meatballs for her return tonight. Cleaning the house all day too. Much excite.

As for yesterday I had one extremely pleasant interaction. I took Marble into the vet. Turns out she has a tooth issue. When the doctor told me this, she saw my face go white. I've already spent $8000 this year on cat teeth problems. She calmed me down and explained that, no, it's okay. This is normal cat teeth issues. She has an old tooth that is falling out on its own. Nothing to freak out about, nothing to be done about it right now. Give it a couple of months. If by Feb it hasn't come out, then we pull it. Thank god. Then, she didn't even charge me for the visit. I thought I was going to cry. We go up to the front desk and she's like Merry Xmas. Huh? Go now. Oh!! OKAY!! THANK YOU! Best news ever.

Went to the grocery store, putzed around the house, got into an argument on discord, then went to the tiki bar. I only had 2 drinks then came home. I was home by 7. Made myself a burger, watched some tv, went to bed around 10. 

Time to go clean the house! Tomorrow is C's birthday. We're going to Indian then bowling. I also have my first voice therapy appointment tomorrow. Very excited about that!

ANA Y1 D190

Fuck this fucking cat. Gone. I want it gone. I have never met an animal so needy and clingy and annoying in my life. 4 something this morning she's fucking with everything, sticking her face in my face. ARGH! She's still bugging me. I can't close the door then the dog will be confused. I want all of them gone except one cat. The one cat that may be sick and dying. The one cat that I have to take to the vet in a few hours. I'd like to not have any broken pets for a while. Is that an option? Do they make pets that aren't constantly at the fucking vet? I took the dog in yesterday. Fun times. She shit on the floor the minute we walked in. That was embarrassing. I talked it over with my therapist yesterday. I am willing to let B have all of them. ALL OF THEM. Except my one cat. My one baby stays with me.

In other news, I had a meeting with the company CEO yesterday from 4pm until 5:30pm. I was worried that my job was finally being dissolved. So I decided to dress up, look nice, and go in head held high. Turns out I was getting a promotion. Yep. Okay. Wasn't expecting that. But I am glad I dressed nice. I looked very professional and it paid off. I got complimented on how well dressed I was and felt like I was being taken seriously as part of the senior management team. Go me. 

C had a bad day dealing with redneck idiots yesterday and was on the verge of a breakdown most of the day. I discussed with my therapist why we're having such a rough time being apart and she pointed out that first off, our primary language is touch which has been taken from us, and second our personalities are so well aligned in terms of complimentary functionality that we feel like were "missing" something when the other isn't readily available. All true. Just one more day and she will be back here and both of us will be calmer and feel more stable.

Today vet, then a quick stop at the tiki bar. Not a big night out. Just one or two drinks and then in bed. It's a quiet weekend planned.

ANA Y1 D189

I had a slightly better day yesterday. Still not a 'good' day by any stretch, but better. What happens when two people in a relationship share the same primary love language of physical touch? They both go nuts being apart for a week. Trust me. Only 60 hours until we're back together. C is having a harder time. She is being guilted by her sister who was supposed to leave on Monday but has her own issues and is taking everything out on C. She still feels sick and can't sleep or eat. Me, I am just overwhelmed by everything. Losing my shit trying to deal with this house and act like I care when B sends me stuff. "OH look what I did today!" Good fucking for you. I am over here going insane, but you enjoy your vacation from reality. Have at it. The latest is they may fly directly home. Who the fuck knows any more. 

I had a good meeting with marketing yesterday on goals for December. I know what I need to accomplish over the next few weeks. I did get a full set of 2023 curriculum done for one of the tools we teach. Have one more to go over the next couple of days. Work will be annoying but straight forward. In a few days I start voice therapy. I want to start sending in my forms for my name change. I have plans for 2023 and nothing is going to stand in my way. Nothing.

ANA Y1 D188

Yesterday was a bad day for both me and C. Being apart is getting to us both. For me it was the overwhelming shit that needed to get done around this house all day. I woke up to piles of vomit. The dog wouldn't stop choking all day. I wanted to shove my hand down her throat at one point. Piss on the floor from the cats. Being screamed at for food because you know, they're starving. One is outside my goddamn office door right now screaming. It's all they do. I want them all gone. Yesterday was another one of those days where I realize this house is just too fucking big. To be more accurate, poorly laid out. Too many nooks and crannies. Too many weird rooms. Just cluttered. I want to clean out things. But I am stuck. At the same time I am getting pics of the northern fucking lights from Alaska. Whoop dee fucking doo. Some of us are back home keeping a roof over our heads. Fuck off. For C, it was being in a hostile environment and being sick. She was just dying all day but still being asked to do shit for people. She couldn't catch five minutes to herself. Both of us were just depressed as fuck all day. No amount of cheering up seemed to work.

Here's hoping today is better. I doubt it. But one can hope.