Let's start with the positives, shall we? C is back!! She got home around 6:30pm last night. Was so happy she was home. I made homemade meatballs with angel hair and homemade sauce. We had it with some cheesy garlic bread and baby carrots. She also brought a TON more of her stuff with her this time. She is 70% living here now. Plus today is her birthday! WOO! We're going to have Indian for dinner, go bowling, and I have an ice cream in the freezer for her. Presents are on the table. Not to mention we had sex last night and didn't even plan on it or mean to. We were just fooling around a little because we hadn't seen each other in so long and next thing you know HELLO NURSE. It just underlines the attraction I have towards her. I can't help myself. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. She makes me feel wanted and desired and attractive. I mean we did it lights on, pets on bed. We're that into each other that nothing else matters. I know on some level I am substituting X2 and the closure I never got. Or even more to the point, it feels like a second chance to do that over again the right way. Regardless, maybe there's nothing wrong with that? Maybe I am overthinking it and the reality is just because someone looks like someone else it has more to do with having a type than it does with having some deep seated emotional reason. Maybe I should stop overthinking and just enjoy the ride. I don't know. I don't want to mess this one up this time. I know there's also a lot of differences between X2, B, X1, and the myriad of other people I have dated over the last 15-20 years. When I stop trying to analyze everything to death, I see more clearly that it really is that I just have a type. Height. Hair color. Physical body size and attributes. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. There's no law saying every partner has to be a polar opposite. Society just makes us feel bad in that respect. "Oh did you see Joe's new girlfriend looks just like his ex-wife?" Maybe because Joe likes certain things. Ever think about that?? Not everything is as heavy as people try to make it out to be. There's a topic for therapy I guess.
Speaking of therapy, I start voice work today. In 3.5 hours I will be heading out to meet with the doctor. I am nervous and excited at the same time. It is a big leap for me. I also spent time yesterday filling out the name change forms. I want to get those submitted by end of year so I can have my court date as early in 2023 as possible. I want to spend as many days with my new name as I can. I am not changing it drastically or dramatically. It's a simple name change. But it will be a big difference. So yeah, excited about that.
In the negative column, I had a really bad dream last night. I slept well but the dream just kind of messed me up. I didn't like it. It was too vivid and too realistic. I was living with "family" who thought what I was doing was "against god and nature" and took my hormones from me. Very upsetting. 0 out of 10. I woke up from it twice. Twice. I woke up and ended up right back in the same dream. Not cool. Luckily I was calmer when I woke up and had C right next to me. I love rolling over and finding them right there. We sleep literally on top of each other. May that never change.
Time to get ready to embark on a new journey!
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