ANA Y3 D282

Yesterday I was asked why I have been absent and quiet in our guild. I tried to avoid the question. I tried to deflect the question. In the end, I answered:

I am about to post something and am prefacing it with this:
I don't expect or necessarily need/want replies. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I just need to get these words out. That's all this is about. If I don't get these words out, I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

Some of you may be curious as to why I have been so silent, absent, and generally not around lately. Well, I just can't keep it up any more. I can't keep up the facade of being happy or normal or wanting to exist in a world and a society that doesn't want me. One that doesn't want me to succeed or want me to know what happiness means. I can't do it. I can't engage like nothing is wrong. I can't keep plastering a smile over my face and acting like I fit into the round hole of society. I am a square peg and lately feeling like I shouldn't even bother.

I have a good friend - CIS, straight, caucasian - who tries to cheer me up. She tries to get me to see the positive in my life. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't get it. I don't hold that against her, but the words sometimes can't get through because no matter how hard she tries, she can't relate. I feel like everything I have done for the last few years has been for nothing. Every day I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve to exist. Laws being passed or proposed that exclude me from living in society. Laws made to make me feel even less of a human being than I already do. Texas is proposing yet another one but Texas isn't the only problem. They just happen to get the most publicity because the people there bang the drum the loudest and want everyone else to see how righteous they are. The truth is, there are many states silently passing laws to make sure I can't exist. As of right now, there are six states I cannot travel to for fear of imprisonment, legal issues, and even death. This is not an exaggeration. There have been stealth laws passed where if I use a restroom with a child in it that the penalty can be the death sentence.

Do you know what that does to someone's mental health? To be told you should die for using a restroom? Especially when all you want is to be part of their world. You want to blend in. You want to be ignored. You want to follow their rules. You say, let me have this surgery so I fit your societal norm. Let me have access to this medicine allowing me to be what you say is "right". Their response? NO! You're a freak! You're mentally damaged! You have no rights! You have no options other than to not exist! You must be eradicated!

I have friends being denied passports. I have friends being denied name changes. I have friends being denied surgeries and meds. I have friends who are sitting in psych wards because it got too much for them to handle. I had a meeting the other day with my CEO and I have never felt so unseen when I tried to explain to him that I might not be able to travel to a client because "people like me" are being turned away at TSA. Where "freaks like me" are being denied documentation. He thinks "it will all blow over" and "it's not that bad". Sure, it's not that bad for an upper middle class CIS hetero white guy living in California. Sure. You keep pretending that the rest of us aren't being hunted for sport.

All I want is to live my life. All I want is to not look in the bathroom mirror and hate myself. Three years I have been medically transitioning. Three years of my life where I finally stopped hiding in the shadows and admitted to myself who I really was inside. Three years where I stopped slowly killing myself with alcohol and drugs. For the first time I wanted to live. Yet, here I am again. Feeling like I made the biggest most regretful decision of my life because society doesn't want me. Because society has deemed me unworthy. "Oh but it's not everyone! We love you!" Great. You don't pass laws. You don't control the police. You don't work at the airport. You don't work at a doctor's office who can approve surgeries or meds. Your support doesn't change the world in which I have to live today.

I feel stuck. I look at my body and feel like I can't finish what I started because of everything going on around me right now. I watch my partner struggle to get a name change like she's trying to steal a baby. I want to take a knife to my body and slash the bad parts away because I don't have access to legal ways of doing it. But even then, even then, will I still be accepted? Will this world still recognize and see ME? Or will I forever be their freak on a leash?

Now, imagine you have all this in your head. Imagine you have to deal with all this and spend most days depressed, crying, and yet still have to pretend to care about your job and clients and "the bottom line". You have to do laundry and clean the house and walk the dog and cook dinner and and and. On top of all that, how can I be interactive with all of you? I already know this is going to depress some of you going through the exact same shit. I already know that some of you are going to think I am an absolute bitch for posting this. I know the world sucks. I know we're all struggling. But just because someone has it worse, it doesn't invalidate your pain or mine.

And right now, I am in pain.

So that's how I am.

ANA Y3 D281

We managed to go a full 3.1 miles last night on our walk. We didn't think we would because rain was looming over us the whole time. It rained most of the day but we found a window and got our butts out there. All of us feel better when we are able to walk. We felt a few drops as we were in the home stretch but we made it thankfully.

Didn't feel like cooking last night and I ended up making us grilled cheese and soup. 3rd grader dinner but it's what we needed. It was grey and nasty all day so comfort food was appropriate. The weather made me all blah day on top of everything else. 

Need to take some certifications today but not like the MS ones. Simple ones for Cognos where we can take as many times as desired and we will have cheat sheets. More of a paperwork thing than an actual achievement.

Time to take the dog out.

ANA Y3 D280

We watched Flow last night. If you haven't seen that movie, you must. Beautiful, touching, heartwarming, exciting, no dialogue but the message is conveyed perfectly. There is no wonder why it won best animated movie. Incredible story and visuals. We absolutely loved it.

I learned yesterday that my RI is in peril. Turns out our contact didn't bother to tell the group that is paying for it that they were paying for it. We shall see what happens.

Helped a client with their data model, pushed papers from one location to another. Made seafood pasta for dinner, watched the movie, snuggled on the couch. Oh, we also managed to get a walk in! It was a little chilly but we braved it and glad we did. Helped all of us immensely.

More of the same today.

ANA Y3 D279

Nothing interesting. Laundry. House cleaning. Boring day to be honest. Was cold again so couldn't go outside. Made tuna for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D278

Got an update last night from the HOA, apparently the responses they got were overwhelmingly negative at this office building being built in our neighborhood. Now, I might have been one of like 3 who responded, but even so, they are prepared to present to the planning department that it isn't wanted in this area. Score.

Very happy with my new hair. Back to blonde. Back to a shaggy cut. We also moved my part. When I was a kid I always wanted my hair parted in the middle because that's how the cool kids did it. But thanks to genetics and conservative adults in my family, I ended up with the nerdo side part. Ironically, I had her do a side part on me yesterday and we both loved it. SO here I am returning to my roots with a side part that looks hella cute. Go figure.

We made pizzas last night and watched a spoopy movie. We watched The Presence. 8 out of 10. Would recommend. No plans for today other than laundry. 

ANA Y3 D277

We took the doggo to the vet yesterday. $200 move as it seems to always be. BUT I submitted a claim to insurance and should get at least half back. Good decision getting that insurance with wellness addon for her. It covers almost everything she had done yesterday.

I was going to make tuna for dinner but it didn't defrost so C treated us to taco bell. Tonight we're making pizzas. More importantly, today is a new hair day! Almost five months with my last piece. New record. But I am very excited at the propsect of summer hair.

C has to work all weekend which sucks ass, but we will get through it. Welcome to March kiddos.

ANA Y3 D276

My head is splitting still. All day yesterday, this morning. My nose is stopped up too this morning. Fucking weather.

Going to the vet today. Taking C to the courthouse. Not working.

ANA Y3 D275

It snowed yesterday. Luckily very briefly and then it turned into rain. Regardless it satopped us from going on another walk which sucked. We were really enjoying those walks. Hopefully we can go again tonight.

 Pretty boring day. Taught again all the way up to 4pm. Made lamb burgers for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

One more day of teaching and then I get a break. New hair saturday. Looking forward to that.

ANA Y3 D274

Another day another 2.5 mile walk. We are getting back into the swing of things and it makes me very happy. The dog is happier, we're happier. It's supposed to snow again tomorrow but we will keep doing what we can in the meantime. We did have a creeper on our walk last night. He was in front of us, dog started barking and he started walking backwards staring at us. Like WTF? We waited him out and made it back to the house safe but it was a moment.

Taught all day from 8-4. Decent enough group. A little behind because they all showed up late but whatever. Not my issue. 

Made chicken shawarma for dinner. Lamb burgers tonight. 

I got a new jumpsuit yesterday Was 50% off and it can be worn for work. Professional looking. I ran it by two friends who both agreed it looks good and is office appropriate. Very happy about that.

ANA Y3 D273

Went on another walk. Getting back to our old schedule. Did 2 miles last night. Makes all of us happy. Getting outside, getting energy out of the dog. Makes us all happy.

Met with an attorney yesterday. He was a dick and rushed me through shit but he is going to look into my case. All I could ask for in this matter.

I teach the next three days straight so I will be left alone. 

ANA Y3 D272

We finished Saul yesterday morning. We both cried like babies at the last episode. I personally like Saul much better than BB. More human and broader story. Good watch.

Not much else. Made ribs. We did manage to finally go on a walk. The weather was acceptable and we got 1.5 miles in. Not great, but being outside helped all of us. Animal and human. Things should be nicer this week and I see more walks in our future.

I have a meeting with an attorney today to discuss the backyard issue. Let's see what happens on that front.

ANA Y3 D271

The monkeys in the circus let us sleep until 7am! Incredible! We did keep them up until amost 11:30pm last night so that helped. 

Quiet day. I started a smear campaign against the people who want to build in my backyard. I am meeting with an attorney on it tomorrow. I will stop this development come hell or highwater.

Ordered in last night. Persian. Very good.

ANA Y3 D270

On thursday I had another meeting with the CEO. The end result of it was that over time the department will be fully handed over to me. I will be the sole member and have full responsibility. With that comes a new title - VP. Sadly there literally is no money yet. We shall see how it goes.

Did presentations yesterday. Got through the day. Made meatball subs for dinner. Nothing on the agenda for today.

ANA Y3 D269

Fucking dog would not shut up last night. She barked at every little noise. I am running on about 4 hours of sleep. She was wound up and drove me nuts.

Had another meeting about my job. Looks like if I can hit certain goals I will get a promotion? Okay. Whatever. I don't have the energy to go into it right now. More tomorrow.

ANA Y3 D268

Looks like I am going back to RI next month. 5 days, 3 days of teaching, 2 of driving. What was supposed to be remote has turned into onsite. Fuck me. I spent yesterday trying to arrange dog care for those days. Nightmare.

Made lamb chops for dinner. Presentations the next two days.

ANA Y3 D267

Are we there yet? I don't know where there is, but I don't want to be here that's for sure.

I wish I could go back. Go back to being 13 or 16. Or 25. Or 40. A chance to do it all over again and this time make better choices. Make choices for me instead of everyone else. Make not the right choices, just better choices. Change how things are. Change who I was, who I am, and who I am supposed to be. But alas that won't happen, will it? I am stuck on this trajectory into the sun.

ANA Y3 D266

Nothing new to report. Made salmon and crab bowls for dinner. Worked on a new certification. Took care of dog. Living the dream.

ANA Y3 D265

My snow guy didn't come until almost 4pm yesterday. Even if I had wanted to go somewhere I couldn't. The roads were horrible, the driveway was blocked and it snowed all damn day. There's a good foot or two of snow out there right now. It sucks.

I didn't do anything yesterday. Dog duty. Watched the snow come down. My depression is at an all time high.

So yeah, that's how I am feeling. Whee.

ANA Y3 D264

It snowed non-stop. Still snowing. We're supposed to get up to 10 inches over the whole weekend. I think it's closer to 5 or 6. I went out yesterday morning to the grocery store and it was bad. I slid through one red light, was making my own lanes in places, slid through a roundabout. Luckily it was early enough and no commuters that I had the roads to myself.

I did ALL the laundry yesterday. Got it all done and put away. In the process I found the basement flooding again. Same place as last time. I sent roto a message asking what my warranty on their work is. We shall see this morning. 

The bigger news from yesterday is my friend and I formalized our trip to Nashville. She booked us a double queen at the Omni. 5 star hotel right downtown connected to the Hall of Fame. I in turn bought our entrance tickets to the museums, made dinner reservations, and planned out our itinerary. This is really happening. In two months I will get three days to myself out of this house. I can't wait. We're going to the Country Music Hall of Fame, the Johnny Cash museum, Hattie B's hot chicken, The Farmhouse, the Pancake Pantry, the Gibson Garage, Martin's BBQ - all within a 2 mil walking radius. She got us a prime hotel. I am so excited.

Now I wait to hear about my basement. Joy.

ANA Y3 D263

My meeting did not go well. He wouldn't listen to what needs to change. It was hot air blowing. I am doomed.

VD was good. C loved her gifts. She's taking me to dinner tonight. 

ANA Y3 D262

Have a meeting today at 2pm with the CEO and CFO. Lovely. Not looking forward to that shit show.

Nothing of excite to discuss. Went through the motions. Made tacos. 

Happy Valentine's Day.

ANA Y3 D261

Got my W2 fixed. Wasn't easy. It was an "oversight". Yeah, right.

We stayed up way too late last night but we are through season 3 of Saul. I don't care what anyone says. Superior show to BB. Just is. More nuance, more likable and dislikable characters. Bigger world. I am excited to see where things go.

Made chicken for dinner. Not much else going on. Can't wait for tomorrow to give C her presents. She surprised me with roses early. I don't expect her to do anything on Friday but it's okay. I know her heart is in the right place even if her memory isn't.

It snowed about 6 inches last night. Very quiet outside.

ANA Y3 D260

 I am pissed off right now. My W2 is in my dead name. WTF? This feels intentional. My name has been changed for over a year. Why screw it up now? It was fine last year? I feel a fight coming on.

My CEO wants a meeting. Fucking hell. More stress.

This is not a good week.

ANA Y3 D259

I guess I am back to learning how to live with my head screaming all the time. I get brief periods of respite but then it's right back to it. It was nice while it lasted.

Mostly random stuff yesterday. Nothing exciting nothing noteworthy. Made meatballs for dinner. Watched three episodes of Saul. Fucking hate Chuck. Halfway through season 3 already. Going much faster than BB ever did. Played with my guildies. Went to bed. 

ANA Y3 D258

Had a good day finally yesterday. No screaming in my head. Both of us were home and we shared dog duties. Made all the difference in the world. Still haven't left the house, but it was better. I made a pot roast in the slow cooker. Did a little cleaning. Played some video games. Watched some tv. 

Another week ahead. Whee.

ANA Y3 D257

Finally happened. I went down on the ice last night. Bad. Fucking dog pulled me, I went right on my back. Snow up everything. Hurt my wrist, my leg, and my back. I am so done with being here in the winter. It's a literal ice skating rink out there. I need to throw down something to make it easier to walk.

I hope they find the Superb Owl today.

ANA Y3 D256

It's supposed to snow today. Joy. I need to be able to sleep with the windows open again. This is killing my head. 

Went to the store, did a mentoring session, baked cookies, made jambalaya for dinner, watched tv. Did start to plan my trip to TN. Looking like April 11th. I have many things to look forward to now. I need them.

ANA Y3 D255

 The circus rolled into town early this morning. Monkey 1 at 2:10 found a washcloth and was walking around singing with it. This of course started Monkey 2 barking and wanting in on the fun. The ringmaster had to calm everyone down. Fucking monkeys and sadly, it is my circus.

Nothing of any significance to report. The world is still falling apart. Made pork quesadillas for dinner. Watched TV. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D254

I wish I had something deep or meaningful to write about, but I just don't. The world is a shit storm. I am trying to not doomscroll but it gets harder every day. Things are crumbling and all people are talking about is fucking eggs. Go away.

Didn't do much of anything yesterday. Made salmon for dinner. Same thing most likely today.

ANA Y3 D253

Whatever. Honestly. I am just whatever. Made pulled pork tacos. Was sad. Weather sucks. Same as it ever was.

ANA Y3 D252

Theweather right now is stupid. Today is 8 degrees colder than yesterday which was 12 degrees warmer than the day before which was 10 degrees colder. Get it? 15 one day, 34 the next, back to 19, then up to 45. Like WTF?

Cooked that pork butt for 12 hours. Came out perfect. We had pulled pork sandwiches with it and tonight tacos. Going to get individually 7 or 8 meals out of it. Not too shabby for a $12 piece of meat. 

Taught session 4 of 6 with a client, had more clients sign up for march and april. So far the start of the year has been steady and solid for me.

We may be going to a second concert. The Weeknd. C wants to go and if tickets aren't outrageous, we're going.

ANA Y3 D251

Got up early this morning to start a 12 hour pork butt. Goal was to have it in by 6am, had it going at 5:55. Boom. I am awesome.

Mostly boring day. I got my hair done, went to total wine and got some rootbeer. That was it for my outside time. We had "eat everything in this damn fridge" for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D250

Boring ass day. I didn't do anything excpet go to the store in the morning. Then I was home all day alone. Me and dog. Woo. Hair appointment today. At least I get to leave the house.

ANA Y3 D249

Had a very busy day yesterday. Did a mentoring session from 10-12ish, then a presentation from 2-3, then a meeting from 3-4:30. While all that was going on dealt with water in the basement because the snow turned to rain and everything started melting. Made fish for dinner. Still happy with new tv. Watched some stuff, went to bed.

ANA Y3 D248

My head is still fucking with me. Today is bad already. I wish I knew why. I am not stressed about anything out of the ordinary. Bills, life, the usual. I do think it's weather related now. The weather has gone from negatives to 45 degrees overnight. Today back down in the 20s. Like all over the goddamn place. I need to go back to sleeping with the window open. Maybe that will help. 

Long ass day yesterday. I did my 8am presentation, repeat today at 3pm. I then waited. C worked late and didn't get home until almost 7. The tv came at 9am and I had to stare at the box all day. We did in fact get it mounted and installed. Very happy with it. Such a huge difference and a much better interface. Plus no more cables hanging all over the place. No external devices, no sound bar needed. It hangs about 3 inches lower too which actually works better for us. I am not upset about it in anyway.

Today I have therapy, bills, then a 10-2 session, then a meeting at 1, then a presentation at 3. BUSY Friday.

ANA Y3 D247

That was one of the more exciting Wednesday's I've had in a while. Not a phrase one normally utters, but it was a whirlwind roller coaster. Woke up already on edge because of my exam. Then C wakes up to see messages from 4am that her dad was back in the hospital. He was admitted late Tuesday night and around 4 he was in trouble. Diabetic Ketoacidosis. Turns out he's had undiagnosed, untreated diabetes for a while. She of course had to get to him. He almost slipped into a coma. She patiently waited for me to take my exam before leaving which I know stressed her out even more but I was ever so grateful for her. My exam started at 8:45 for pre-check and I was so anxious. Took me about an hour to get through all 55 questions. 

I passed. 

Not like top of the charts passed, but I passed with a respectable score. The weight off my chest when I hit submit and got the passing page. It was like angels started singing. I am now a Microsoft PL-300 Power BI Data Analyst Associate. The MINUTE I was done she hopped in the car to get to her dad. I started then making contingency plans if I had to join her. Who'd watch the dog. Which clients can I reschedule. Who will sign for the TV today. 

While all that was going on, noon was inching closer. Inching. Get it? Nine Inch Nails tickets went on sale at noon. I was in the waiting room at 11:40 and when I entered the queue at noon I was 1380th in line. By the time it got to me, I was already limited. I did in fact get tickets. Row 10 in the same section where I saw Tool with the kid. Spent WAY more than I should have but dammit, I need something to look forward to in the future. We will be going in August and I am super excited. While all that was going on, I was on edge waiting for updates from C.

At 2pm she sent me a message saying he was in and out of consciousness and had a fever they couldn't break. They were icing him and hoping for the best. I was on call to enact my plans. Luckily at 7pm they gave an all clear, he was stabilizing and everyone could go home. She got home around 10. B came over in between all that to pick up some mail and bring doggo a gift. Speaking of doggo, my artist friend finished the commission I did from her of Sandy. This is the same person who did the Merlot art and I ordered a matching one of the doglet. Placed the canvas order last night. Better be here in time for Valentine's Day.

Finally around 10 poor C comes in the house exhausted from the day. We went to bed and just sighed a huge sigh of relief that the day was finally over.

I have an 8-9 meeting today and of course the TV is scheduled to come between 7 and 11am. Of course it is.

Side note - my head has been silent since yesterday. This exam was causing me more stress than I either would acknowledge or realized. When I passed that test it was like all the demons left my brain. Please don't come back.

ANA Y3 D246

Yesterday was hell. My head just wouldn't shut up. Had to teach. Had to function. Cried twice I was so frustrated. So far it's quiet. Today is my cert exam. God help me.

ANA Y3 D245

 Nothing new, nothing exciting. Taught. Ate. Slept. 2 days straight in the house.

ANA Y3 D244

Did nothing yesterday. Was in the house all day. I fucking hate when C has to work both weekend days. I feel like I can't do anything. We had pizza for dinner. Watched the Lisa Frank documentary. Went to bed. Multiple days of teaching this week.

ANA Y3 D243

Yesterday was wonderful. I spent the morning cleaning the house which was way overdue. I did the floors, the counters, cabinets, everything. Very happy about that. I did my makeup so I looked nice for guests. I made the most incredible grazing board. My cheeses were incredible. Everything was just perfect. I needed a day like yesterday and am grateful to have had it.

ANA Y3 D242

It's stinky cheese day!! Very excited for tonight. I am going to clean the house today then make the most awesome charcuterie ever! I am also going to order a backup pizza in case everyone hates the stinky cheese. 

Yesterday I worked. Scheduled my exam for next week, had meetings, practiced. Made chicken and shrimp lo mein for dinner. Watched the Lisa Frank story. Dealt with doggo. Went to the store in the morning. Basically another day.

ANA Y3 D241

Absolutely nothing exciting to report from yesterday. 2 hour meeting, bunch of tech support, dealt with dog, made salmon for dinner, fell asleep at 9:30 again. This is my life and it's ending one minute at a time.

ANA Y3 D240

Had a very long and full day yesterday. It started with me going to the doctor for my bloodwork review and physical. Before I left for the doctor I got notice my cheese was out for delivery! Hurray! It was bitter cold yesterday. Polar vortex and all that nonsense. The highest I saw it reach was 2. Yes, 2. Got to the doctor and not only did they see me early, they had me in and out without rushing me. God I love my doctor's office. End result, per everything, I am a healthy 37 year old woman. Right on. I also got my next set of implant which means I am good hopefully for another two years. At this point I only have to do bloodwork once a year. Unless I notice anything weird, I am good until Jan of 2026 minimum. I also discussed with my doctor my fear of not being able to have access to covered meds over the next four years. For those of you thinking I am overeacting, as of last night, I have no legal rights in four states now. Literally I am not recognized as a human being with rights. So fuck you if you think this is all just some big joke. Anyway, since I pay for my pellets out of pocket, she was able to write me a FULL scrip for estradiol. Right now I take 7 a month, one a day, one week a month. The new scrip? FIVE a day, every day. That means that a 90 day supply is 450 pills. I will get four of those a year. 1800 estradiol tablets. If me, C, or B ever find ourselves unable to access meds, I will have extra. A lot of extra. At my current dosage, I will have 21 years of meds stockpiled. Not bad, eh? After the doctor I went to the italian grocery store to get meats and bread for my cheese. I also got us a pizza for lunch. They're fresh made ones are out of this world. Came home and dealt with a bunch of work stuff. Had meetings, did litmos work, etc. By 4:30 my cheese had not yet arrived. I messaged my friend who was supposed to come eat it with me that cheese night was off. She was okay with that as she was feeling ill and was most likely going to cancel on me. Fair enough. Cheese night is on hold. It did finally arrived around 7pm. Thank goodness. I opend the box and there was an extra block in there. Some weird coffee cheese. Okay. But there it was. My langres. A cheese I haven't had in nearly a decade. Just beautiful and smelly. The dog was going nuts as I open the box. I let her smell every one through the packaging and when she smelled the langres she went nuts. She loved it. Good taste obviously. We then settled in to watch Nosferatu. I liked it. Around 11 I took her out one last time and we went to bed.

More meetings today, practice tests for next week, salmon for dinner. Probably hold cheese night until tomorrow. We shall see.

ANA Y3 D239

We did some research last night. Turns out tinnitus is actually worsened by extreme cold weather. Gee, go figure. This helps to explain why my head has been going insane the last few days. Having to take the dog out in negative degree temps has not helped one bit. Like right now I am fine. Same with yesterday. But after a couple times out BOOM it starts in and doesn't stop. Weather, fuck it.

Taught all day, answered emails until 5pm, made tuna for dinner, watched two episodes of Saul. I may have something to look forward to in the future. My friend has invited me for a girl's weekend in Nashville. She even offered to pay for the hotel. I discussed it with C last night and she is good with it. We're thinking Feb or March. This would be nice.

Have my physical today. Hopefully get new pellets.

ANA Y3 D238

Finally had a quiet head day yesterday. Of course we're now being run by a man child and his nazi sidekick so there's that. I taught. Good group. Luckily. I taught Canadians yesterday so we could steer clear of any issues. Went until 3:30, didn't feel like cooking so we had burgers out for dinner. Watched tv, went to bed around 9:30 because we were both exhausted. Same today most likely. Second day with same group.

ANA Y3 D237

Not a great day. My head for some reason won't shut up. I slipped on ice and hurt my knee. My lips are cracked betond belief. I can't live here any more.

In 5 hours we be ruled by a child. God help us all.

ANA Y3 236

Was up hella early yesterday to take dog to groomer and be out of C's way to go to work. We got to the groomer at 7:45, I dropped her off at 8, went to two grocery stores, the gas station, and Target. Literally as I pulled into the PetSmart parking lot they called saying she was done. Perfect timing. Got home, put everything away and did shit around the house. Made chili for dinner, watched some tv, went to bed.

NOTHING is planned for today. C is finally fucking off and I am shirking all dog duty.

ANA Y3 D235

Same as it ever was.

ANA Y3 D234

My head was screaming all day again yesterday. I think it's because I have been trying to eliminate caffeine from my diet and it's messing with me. No more morning rockstar. Withdrawal maybe? It's quiet right now thank god. But it made yesterday hell to get through my class. I was snappy, I was impatient. I don't like being that way. Taught until 4pm on the nose again. Made quesadillas for dinner and sat in the dark afterwards. Just tried to calm my head down. Here's hoping today is better.

ANA Y3 D233

I fucking hate winter. I can't breathe. I don't want to get up in the morning because it's too cold. I don't want to take dog out because of snow. Bah humbug.

Taught all day. All the way until 4pm. Made dinner (burgers), watched some tv, played some games, went to bed. 

Same today.

ANA Y3 D232

It was a bad day yesterday. Dog drove me nuts. Head was screaming. Salespeople were bugging me. I went to bed at 8:30 because I was so frustrated. Woke up at 2 with cramps and head still screaming.

I teach the next three days. Whee.

ANA Y3 D231

I overslept this morning. I needed it. My body wanted it. I teach the rest of this week and today was the only day I could afford to make this error. Worth it.

Had my meeting I have been dreading since before Xmas finally. Went better than expected. Still not sure of the purpose but it's done and over with. I can finally breathe again.

I have closure on Jesse Pinkman now. We watched El Camino last night. Felt good.

Made jambalaya for dinner. Was very happy with how it turned out. Tonight we're doing steak fajitas.

ANA Y3 D230

Well we did it. We finished Breaking Bad. Only 12 years after it officially ended I can say I have watched the whole thing. We will add that to the very short list of shows where I found the ending to be good. That's a very short list. Less than 10 shows in my life where I didn't feel cheated or the show got cancelled and we were left hanging. Everything was handled well. Now on to El Camino so I can get more closure. Hopefully.

Did my new lego set yesterday. Came out really cool. Took me a couple of hours to do. While I was working on that, C put together her notes from last week from her time in the other store. She wants to showcase the good and bad differences for her boss. I told her half jokingly yesterday if she keeps thinking the way she does, she is destined for management whether she likes it or not. 

We made tacos and quesadillas for dinner to use up some of the jars of salsa we made on Saturday. Still have a ton left over and will probably also have fajitas later this week. Tonight I am doing jambalaya.

I have a meeting at 10am today that I have been dreading. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y3 D229

We had a wonderful Saturday. C was home, we got things done, we went out with our friend for his birthday, we played video games together with him, we stayed up late for reasons. It was a wonderful day. The snow stopped so we could enjoy ourselves. Let's go for a twofer today.

ANA Y3 D228

I finally got some decent sleep!! Even with our snow guy coming at 3:07am and leaving his flashing light on to shine in our window. It's okay though because we're the only house with a cleared driveway. Ha! Yes, it finally snowed a decent enough amount that he needed to come. About 4 inches or so out there. It started around 2pm yesterday and went all night. We took the dog for a walk in it around 8pm and it was nice. Quiet, fluffy, fun. She had the time of her life bouncing around in it.

I started yesterday by going to the store which I am glad I did as I wouldn't have wanted to drive there this morning. The roads would not have been good. Then I had therapy, then I spent the day doing damn tech support for everyone and their mother. Litmos this, database backup that. Just all day of meetings and support. 

For dinner I made lamb leg steaks. Was very happy. We watched two more episodes of BB. Almost done. Only 4 to go. Things are falling apart left and right. So much anxiety watching this shit. I can't wait to be done because I need to breathe again! But then we have El Camino and Saul. Woo boy.

We stayed up until about 11 playing video games together. C is off ALL weekend. Hurray! Tonight we are taking our friend to K-Pot for his birthday. I need to bake him brownies this morning. He wanted them, he gets them.

Let the weekend begin!

ANA Y3 D227

My ears are screaming. I don't know what's going on lately that's causing me so much stress and anxiety that my tinnitus is acting up so bad. Life in general I would guess? Work? Money? Everything? Illness? Whatever the cause it's driving me nuts.

Went to the dentist yesterday. Did not like my hygienist this time around. She was pushy, rude, and very rough on my mouth. I will ask I never see her again. I did take the dentist's advice and order a waterpik last night. I have been considering one anyway, this just pushed me over the top basically.

We had Wendys for dinner because I didn't want to cook. Plain and simple. I have therapy today but first have to hit the store.

ANA Y3 D226

It has moved to my ears. The final stages. Of course that means I can't hear shit right now. I made a doctor appointment yesterday for my physical and bloodwork review. Have her check my ears too. Today I have dentist appointment. Get everything done.

Made pasta for dinner. Watched one more episode. It's all falling apart.

ANA Y3 D225

Finally got my lab test results back from right before Xmas. My cholesterol is off. Gee, what a shock right after the holidays. It's not horribly off either. It's seasonally off I feel. Like if I should be under a 100 on some number, I am at 105. My estrogen is finally down in to the 200s which means after 2 years I will probably get another injection. Probably do that in march. Requested an appointment this morning. Let's see when I can get in.

Spent the day doing a myriad of little maintenance things. Setting up clients for upcoming trainings, tech support, presentations, emails. Was a very long day. C worked a shit shift and didn't get home until 7:30. We had pizza for dinner because I didn't want to cook. Watched one more episode. Things are heading towards the end. The show gives me serious anxiety. I am wanting it to be over for everyone. 

C is off today which gives me a little break. Not going to complain.

ANA Y3 D224

Everything but my voice is back to normal. Still have some throat issues. Not as bad as last week though for sure. Getting there.

Did random stuff yesterday. Had a client meeting at 4pm. Friends came over around 7 to play a new game we got for Xmas and eat cheese. Watched one more episode of BB. Almost done!

Have a bunch of stuff to do today thankfully. Got to get to it.

ANA Y3 D223

We are six episodes into season 5. For those of you who have seen it, you will laugh at me. But dear god, I have never seen a show where I don't want to root for anyone except the one person who is just so not the ideal of a hero. Not Walt. Fuck him and his ego. Poor Jesse just keeps getting dragged through this. I am excited to finish.

We held to our promise and did very little yesterday. We gamed together. We did laundry. We took dog outside. That was it. My 48 hour ribs came out pretty darn good. Was happy with them. 

This morning I have an eye doc appointment at 8:15. Then back to work. Back to the coal mines for me.

ANA Y3 D222

C and I have been watching Breaking Bad. I know, I know. I stopped somewhere around season 3 when it originally aired because if you've been around for a while, that's when my life went sideways and I started this damn blog. Had other things on my mind and that's putting it nicely. It's one of those shows I would always try to rewatch and finish but never had someone to watch and share it with. When C heard I have never finished it, she jumped on it and said we're watching it. Okie dokie. Well, it's taken us a while but we finally finished season 4 and started season 5 last night. Without spoiling anything, HOLY SHIT. While I am sad I never watched this real time, wow, what a show. I am excited to try and finish it this week. We have 14 episodes to go and I can't wait to see what happens next. Things like this are always so much better when you have someone to share them with. It's been fun for her watching me watch the show. Spout my endless theories, get excited at twists and turns, etc. When it's over, we will do El Camino and Saul. Can't wait.

We both had our hair done yesterday. Was a nice time out of the house and away from things. She got a really cute cut that she loves. That makes me happy. Mine was just maintenance. Nothing exciting. We had salmon for dinner, made milkshakes with our creami, and I made more perfect popcorn.

OH! One fun thing yesterday was our friend/stylist sharing all the drama in her house. Her kid is driving her nuts. He is about to turn 20 and for the last nine months she has been supporting him because he has been working on a video game. Now that it's almost done, he's having cold feet about releasing it. She wants us to help him get over his fear and get it out there. They're coming over Monday night under the auspice of playing games and having cheese. In reality, we will be having a mini intervention. Either release the game or get off your ass and do something. She wants him to hear it from someone other than "mom" who is just nagging him. On it. This will be interesting.

Today we're doing laundry and questing together. A quiet day is planned.

ANA Y3 D221

Slowly getting better. Not 100% but almost there. Still have sore throat. But the aches are gone and I can breathe mostly.

Not much of anything yesterday. Had a meeting. New training scheduled for this month. Starting on the 15th I have like 10 days of training to give. 

Made meatballs for dinner. Started 48 hour ribs for sunday. Hair appointment today but that's it.

ANA Y3 D220

It's Friday. I am so confused this week. Especially being sick. I went to the store yesterday morning so I wouldn't have to go today and I literally stood in one aisle for five minutes because I was just confused as to what I was doing there. I came home, wrote three blog posts in a haze, prepped for some other stuff, dealt with an annoying salesperson, and just faded in and out all day. Last night I had zero energy and was just a lump. I do feel a bit better today but my throat is killing me. Hopefully I will clear up by monday and can be back in a normal place. I have a meeting today at 1pm and we will see what comes of that. I made tacos last night and struggled eating them. I knew I had to eat but didn't want to eat. I fell asleep at 9:30. Fun times.

Today is bill day. Joy.

ANA Y3 D219

 I feel horrible. Throat is sandpaper. Head is pounding. Blah. I have to "work" today. So stupid.

ANA Y3 D218

 I am dying. Oh, happy new year? Bleh. I am sick. I hate it thanks. We made it to midnight. Whee.