ANA Y4 D82

Sadly my theory failed. My head is back screaming. Which unfortunately leads me to another theory. My job is killing me. I am operating under the thought that I am so stressed out it is manifesting itself in this fashion. So the whole thing is psychosomatic. Lovely. It could still be environmental and is something in the bedroom, but it's unlikely. I did sleep like shit though so who knows. All I know is I am done with it. Very done.

I had a good day yesterday which is making me cry this morning. We went on a good walk. We ate through leftovers. We did laundry. It was an excellent day. Just to be back to square one today. Fuck my life. 

ANA Y4 D81

SLEEP! The correlation is SLEEP! This was my other theory. Is it how much sleep I am getting? Am I able to fully let my brain reset? Now before I run off and make any grand announcements, I have to determine the causation from the correlation. Is it the number of hours OR is it that for the last two days I woke up naturally when my body wanted to versus the screaming of an alarm? Is it my alarm? Is that particular sound causing me anxiety and kicking it in which ties to the stress aspect? Here's what's going to happen: tomorrow I am going to try another natural day of waking up. No alarm, no pressure. I don't have anything serious going on at work so there's no difference if I wake up at 5 or at 7. Literally no difference. If that is successful, then Tuesday I will try an alarm for like 6am with a different ringtone and test that. This is my week of testing sleep pattern, alarms, etc. I may be on to something. I may be able to rule out tumor.

I did have some brief moments yesterday but those were attributable to my activities - lawn mowing, hair drying. The lawn pissed me off. I couldn't get a good mow in front because of the damn water company. It looks like a 6 year who tried to give herself a hair cut. Don't care. Is what it is.

We went over to a friend's house last night for Thai and relaxing. We took the dog with us and she actually did great. No issues on the way there or home, no issues being in someone else's space. We were both very proud of her! Got home around 9:30, played games until midnight.

Today we have no plans. I may try rearranging my desk today. Mental changes can help too. 

ANA Y4 D80

So you ready for this? Silence. Now, here's the thing I have been logging. I tend to always have silence on Saturday. What does that mean? If I correlate data, it's my job. I am so stressed out about my work that Sunday through Friday my head screams. No, I am serious. It's something I have observed but not been able to pinpoint. Which means my head is 100% mental. Let's see if I am right. Let's see if I go all day and have it kick back in tomorrow. This is disturbing if true. I don't know what to do with this information.

Had leftovers for dinner. Went on walk. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D79

Nope. Still not clear. Better but not clear. Tumor is looking more and more the answer. Sad but true. Or at this point it's mental. I have to rule out everything physical before I can say it's all in my head. Literally.

Made pork butt last night. Used it for quesodilla. Went to the store so I didn't have to go this morning. Bill paying time. Maybe it is all mental. Maybe I am just going crazy. 

ANA Y4 D78

Improvement but not silence. I can feel? hear? a marked improvement over yesterday but I am not silent in the head yet. I take this as progress. I slept well with weird dreams but none featured a screaming head so again, put that in the win column. 

Worked on a tech support issue for a client, did some testing. Made tilapia for dinner. Shit I just remembered I need to get my pork butt in the slow cooker. Okay, super fast update. Life is better, life still sucks, all things are equal. Have a nice day. 

ANA Y4 D77

Well, I got in with the doctor yesterday. I wish I could say I have good news. Here's what i shared with my boss yesterday so I don't have to retype everything:

I was at doctor. Just got home. FYI (and don't freak out when I say this because I am trying to not freak out) there is a possibility I have a tumor pressing on both the optical and audio nerves so my doc is getting me in for an MRI. Will keep you posted as to when. 

Basically I saw my PCP today because the ENT can't get me in until 9/22. I explained this to her and how frustrated I was. She said, fine, we will do everything possible so you go in armed and dangerous next month. We did a drain today, next is an audiology exam, then the MRI. The chance of a tumor is due to the length it's been going on (longer than six months) and that it's unilateral across both ears. This is how they pre-diagnose it. I also have been having weird random floaters in my left eye which increases the possibility. IF the drain helps, then we start a clock. If I can go 48-72 hours without issue, the chance of tumor goes down with every hour past 48. If I can't go at least 48, she wants me in for the MRI. 

The drain was insane - four flushes on the left, two on the right. She said chunks were coming out. BUT unfortunately because we irritated it so much it didn't make any difference. I have to see and gauge how I am doing in the morning. We angered the left to the point of bleeding. But she can confidently say now there are no occlusions in either ear canal.

 I was hoping I would wake up this morning and the clock would begin. It has not. It could be the ear is still irritated and the clock will start later in the day. Let's hope. Right now though, no change. This keeps tumor on the table. Sigh.

ANA Y4 D76

Poor C stayed home yesterday. She woke up in the morning throwing up. Had a fever of 99. It passed by mid afternoon but made for a lousy morning. I worked on my stuff. Made pork tenderloin for dinner. Watched some tv. Still fucking hot out.

Doctor today. Let's see what happens. 

ANA Y4 D75

Had a moderately good day yesterday. It was hot, oppressingly hot. 90+. More of the same today sadly. Got C's laundry done, B came over to pick up some stuff we were giving her, took dog for a brief walk. Noshed for dinner. Watched another movie. Only downside was my head. If it weren't for that it would have been a great day. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe finally get somewhere with all this. Maybe.

ANA Y4 D74

We stayed up late watching another movie. Around 11pm C didn't want to be in the office but she also didn't want to go to bed since it was her "night off". Fair. I suggested we move to the couch and if she fell asleep naturally then so be it. We ended up watching another A24 release - Bring Her Back. Excellent movie. Severely fucked up, but good. It's funny how I can watch Final Destination and laugh and be excited for the varied ways to kill people but I watch something quieter, more nuanced like BHB and it was disturbing even though technically it has less gore. Check it out. Worth it.

Pretty uneventful day otherwise. Made slow cooker chicken tinga. Cleaned, did laundry. Went on a walk even though it was 90 out. Another hot day today. Had some respite in my head yesterday. Some patches of silence. It's going strong this morning so we will see how this day progresses. No immediate plans which will help. 

ANA Y4 D73

Starting my next phase of "variable elimination". Sleep. I am trying to see if with enough sleep I can minimize the head. I slept for 7 hours last night and so far all clear. Maybe all these years of 4-5 hours a night has caught up with me.

Spent the day doing moodle migration. Had leftovers for dinner. Watched Final Destination Bloodlines. LOVED IT. Best of the franchise for real. Pracitcal FX for the win baby. Some of the best death plots ever. I truly enjoyed it. Then I stayed up past midnight playing video games. I wanted to be extra tired. Worked.

No plans for today. Starting chicken tinga around 10am in the slow cooker. 

ANA Y4 D72

I am playing mind games with the cat. I didn't give her a dosage yet. Letting her have some peace before I do it. Change things up a bit.

Duct cleaning happened. Well, I slept better? I can admit that. Yeah. That's all. 

ANA Y4 D71

The cat has come to hate me. She knows what's about to happen every morning. Only 10 more years of this in theory. I slipped on the stairs this morning and ripped my knee up chasing her. Fun times. 

Worked on more migration stuff. Converted things to SCORM. Made salmon for dinner.

Today is duct day. This better fucking help. 

ANA Y4 D70

Still no break from my head. We need to sweep. I skipped a day and am paying for it.

More moodle migration stuff. All day every day this week. I am down to two classes to convert and migrate. That's going to take all day today. Tomorrow is duct cleaning day. Please dear god let it help. 

ANA Y4 D69

Progress has been made sort of. I finally got an appointment with an ENT. In September. Like over a month from now. Another month of dealing with this shit. But the duct cleaning happens in two days. Let's see if that helps. I also managed to get in with my primary next Tuesday. Let's see if she finds anything. I need to know if this is physical, environmental, or mental. I am doing all that I can to rule out the first two. If it's the third, well, not much I can do, now is there?

I got through my class. Stressed out but successful. Then I spent the rest of the day working on migration stuff. That's today too. We had no water from 10am until about 2pm. Managed to flush all the lines and it looks good to me. I know C is still worried because of the boil notice, but I am less stressed about that than she is. I feel like they have to include that language legally even if there is no issue. Regardless, I have pots of water saved that she can use to brush teeth if needed. Make her happy. Had leftovers for dinner, went on a 2 mile walk, relaxed the rest of the day. 

I need to sweep because I haven't in two days and I am feeling it. 

ANA Y4 D68

Seriously stressed out this morning. Forgot to set an alarm. Hour behind. Need to get water ready before they shut it off for 12 hours. Have a class in 2 hours. Have done nothing. Didn't sleep well. Head screaming. Not going to be fun today.

ANA Y4 D67

Doing better. Another mostly noise free day. I had about 2 hours where it was really mild due to the hair dryer at the salon. But it was really mild and faded on its own like a normal person. Other than that, my head is quiet. Bless.

Got my hair did. Cleaned the house. Had chinese food for dinner. Played games, watched a stream, went to bed. A nice boring Saturday. No plans scheduled for today. Finished up the closet room too yesterday. Everything is put away and it's all organized. Makes me happy now when I walk in there and can see the space between my clothes. Very nice. 

ANA Y4 D66

On the way back from the grocery store they started in again. 30 hours of peace then boom. All day they screamed. I had a small break from 3-6 but otherwise it was constant again. I don't get it. Why am I okay when I wake up but the minute I do anything it triggers the fuck out of them?

Spent the day doing more migration work. Made chicken caesar wraps for dinner. Threw mine up. Yeah. That was fun. It was a pretty shitty day to be honest. Have a hair appointment this morning. At least I get out of the house. 

ANA Y4 D65

Waiting for my paycheck to come through so I can pay bills and see how little I have leftover for groceries and life. We reduced our finance person to half time so my expense check is sitting until monday. Fuck this. I need a new job but I don't want one. Sigh.

Good news front - 26 hours with a silent head. ONE incident in the middle of the night but it was sharp, quick, and over. It did wake me up, but okay.

I am working on migrating our classes from one LMS system to another this week and that's how I spent the majority of my day. Took the cat to the vet first though. She is doing great! Her numbers were good and we don't have to go back for six months. Hurray! Did cost me $500 but okay. I do what has to be done.

Come on paycheck. I have shit to do. 

ANA Y4 D64

Worked on putting my clothes away yesterday after real work was done. Have a second bag's worth of donations in progress. I am organizing everything, trying on stuff, and being very selective about what I keep. Making some good headway. Feel good about things.

Got my new mouthpiecce yesterday. Wore it last night. I slept pretty good with it in. My head is clear so far this morning. I also heard back from ENT asking a bunch of questions. I gave them a HUGE response. Let's see how it goes from here.

Vet appointment this morning then more real work stuff. Week is almost over. 

ANA Y4 D63

Took me all day but I got the new wardrobe built. I sneak worked on it during the day, worked solid on it from 7-10pm. But I am very proud of the results:

 

Now to put all the clothes back and make it mine. I am so excited to go through more clothes and get rid of more. Weird sentence but yeah. I did some other work during the day. Made lamb chops for dinner. Off to the dentist this morning for a cavity fix (their fault) and my new mouth guard! 

ANA Y4 D62

Yesterday I got to see first hand the power of "being nice". Not that I did anything I did for the rewards. it was just because it was the right thing to do. Heck, if I were religious I would say that this is what following the teachings means and seeing the benefit directly. What am I talking about? Sit back and listen.

First off it was hot as fuck yesterday. Like 104 at one point. With 90% humidity. You went outside and you swam in your own breath. It was bad. My new wardrobe for the closet room arrived. It was setup for doorstep delivery. I greeted both of the guys with bottles of water. I also told them you are unloading 337lbs of stuff for me, you will take this cash. I gave them like $10 as it was all I had on me. Well guess what? Dorrstep turned into living room. I didn't ask for it, I didn't expect it. But showing kindess comes back to you my friends.

Later in the day we had the guy from the duct cleaning service come and give us an estimate. I also made him leave with two bottles of water. After he gave me his estimate I asked if there were any coupons online or anything. He said unfortunately not as this is their busy season. Fair enough. When he sent over the formal estimate later, $50 discount with a note "Thank you for the water". Again, I didn't ask for it, I didn't expect anything. Needless to say, we will be having our ducts cleaned August 7th. He got the business, I got a little bit of a break (almost 10% discount), and we all got to see the good in each other for a brief shining moment. 

Point? Be nice. It costs you nothing. Maybe it will come back to you, maybe it won't. But at least you're leaving a positive vibe and making someone smile even if it is just for a moment.

I worked in the closet room. Should be able to start building today. I threw out more old underwear, added more to the donation bag and fully eliminated one dresser. Felt good. I had a 2 hour meeting with my boss to plan some stuff. I made crepes for dinner. 

Even though I had ear troubles, I made the best of it and had a pretty darn good day. 

ANA Y4 D61

Something in the office is triggering my ears. I was fine when I woke up but 10 minutes after sitting in here they kicked in. WTF?

Decent day. Went on two walks, both short because 100+ degrees outside. Made ribs. Nothing else going on. Have a guy coming today to quote the duct cleaning, new wardrobe being delivered. Busy Monday. 

ANA Y4 D60

I seriously cleaned yesterday. I know I have been saying "I cleaned" every day lately and it's true. Every day I am sweeping and wiping down dog hair. Yesterday I pulled everything out and did a serious clean. Same stuff just more intense. It seems to be working. I am at 24 hours with minor to no issues. For the most part my head was silent yesterday. Some little faint noise at times, but not enough that it caused me the pain I have been having. I do think having the ducts cleaned as well will go a long way to helping me. I am hoping to hear back from the doctor on Monday. Everything I can do, I am doing. Mouthguard, cleaning, doctors. Everything. Because going through all this is better than the alternative.

I made pizza dough from Seymour yesterday. Came out pretty good when we went to make them later in the night. Not perfect, but I learned what to do different next time (more flour for pizzas, longer rest time in the fridge). We were happy in general. I took dog for a walk. We played some video games. Watched some esports and a live streamer we like. In general yesterday was how life should be. Quiet, calm, and uneventful.

I did get m new IKEA card in the mail finally. I ordered my new wardrobe for the closet room. I started working in there last night to make room. I am going to be rearranging that room to fit it but it will be worth it. I have a goal to eliminate one of the dressers in there and I think I can do it. I am going to work in there more today reducing down clothes. I can do this.

See how much for I feel like talking when my head isn't screaming? Amazing, isn't it? 

ANA Y4 D59

My head is quiet this morning. Blessing. I don't know how long it will last, but I will take it. I still haven't heard back from the ENT office. Hoping I hear from them on Monday. I will take whatever appointment they have.

Worked on a bunch of stuff that was sitting on the backburner because of teaching this last week. Docs, emails, etc. Got it all done by 2pm which was nice. Did some cleaning which is probably helping my head. I worked in the closet room and pulled everything out to get rid of fluff. I took off the vents and cleaned behind them. It seems to have helped. Didn't feel like cooking last night and opted for Arby's. I don't care what anyone says, they're like the last decent fast food place. Still overpriced as fuck, but at least I feel I get a decent quantity and quality of food for my money. Played with doggo outside, played some video games, went to bed.

No plans for today. I need to find some new tv trays this weekend as ours broke, but that's it. Please dear deity of choice, let me have a few hours of silence today? 

ANA Y4 D58

Hulk Hogan is dead. Good. He was a racist angry piece of shit. The world is better off without him.

Went to the store, took Merlot to vet, died in the heat, did a mentoring session with a client, sold them a service contract, made salmon for dinner, started raining hard. Requested an appointment with an ENT. Let's see if I hear back from them.

Bunch of minor stuff to deal with today. 

ANA Y4 D57

I'm behind schedule this morning. Issues with the cat not wanting to take her meds. Slept through first alarm. I've got shit to do.

Taught all day. Took dog for walk. Made tacos. Exhausted. Head still screaming. I am having someone come out to clean our ducts. Hoping that will help. $500-$700 but it has never been done so it's overdue. Have store, vet, and a client session today. Need to start moving NOW. 

ANA Y4 D56

I woke up yesterday to Malcolm Jamal Warner dying and ended the day with Ozzy. The first was a tragic accident, the other we all knew was coming. I figured he had 2-3 more years though honestly. I thought her would retire quietly and pass away. Nope. 2 weeks after his final show, gone. There goes another chunk of my childhood. This one hurt. Not quite Prince level of hurt, but it hurt. I was stunned when I got the news. 

Day two of three teaching complete. Not as good of a day. The students are tired and it was heavier stuff. Harder to get them to talk. My ears weren't helping. One more week and I get my mouth guard. Anything to make things better. Anything. I am worried I am allergic to dog fluff. I also need to deep clean this house. Dander is everywhere every day. I love her but god her coat sucks.

I am tired. Very very tired. 

ANA Y4 D55

 My ears are back and I don't know why? I was fine in the morning yesterday and then around noon boom. I wokeup about 15 minutes ago, fine, then they started. WTF? I really don't understand what is going on? Am I really clenching and grinding that bad in my sleep? Is the weather affecting me that much? I am not stressed out that I know of? Like for real, what the hell is going on??

Taught all day. Good group. Have two more days with them. No issues there. Made pasta for dinner. Took dog on a walk. Went to bed at a reasonable time. I am trying to do my best with everything. This is really annoying me. 

ANA Y4 D54

I teach the next three days so I am up early. Too much to do before class. The cat is on to me. She is tasting the meds now in the wet food I am giving her and being stubborn. I am going to have to go to straight dosing I'm afraid. Roughly 3650 more days of this. Give or take. Sigh. 

I did both front and back yard yesterday. Cleaned. Dishes. Made dinner. It was relatively nice out and had a good after dinner walk with doggo. Didn't do much of anything else. It was nice.  

ANA Y4 D53

The difference it makes when we're both home on a weekend is crazy. We got shit done together. Dog to groomer, groceries, had a dinner and movie date (watched Sinners, A+). Took care of stuff together. Much calmer and easier to get through the day. She's home two more days. Bless.

ANA Y4 D52

Paid bills, had therapy, had meetings, reviewed documents. No construction yesterday which was a nice change of pace. No dog barking all day at workers, no house shaking. It was a peaceful day. Took dog for a walk. Made sushi bowls for dinner. In general it was a good day. C is now home for THREE days straight. This is going to be wild. This morning taking dog to groomer and going to grocery store. Other than that no obligations today. Should be done with everything by noon.

ANA Y4 D51

Yesterday was insane. I thought my dentist appointment was at 9. It was at 8. Luckily they messaged me at 6am to remind me. I had to rush out of the house which was a problem because the workers already had our street closed by 7am. All day they had it blocked off. I had to go 2 miles out of my way to get around them. At the dentist I had her look at my jaw and see if there was any correlation between my jaw and my ears. She did say that I am showing serious signs of grinding and clenching. Mouthguard for me it is. I had to have my mouth scanned and in two weeks I will have a custom mouthguard for sleeping. I am desperate enough to try anything. $500 worth of anything.

In the afternoon I took Merlot to the vet. Again I had to work around the damn construction. Good news at the vet at least. Merlot's numbers are back where they should be meaning the meds are working and she should be getting back to normal. We have seen signs of improvement already. More active, more talkative. 

Made dinner and after dinner I needed some alone time. I went to the asian grocer to pick up stuff for tonight's dinner. I am doing fish and rice bowls so I picked up some tamago, tobiko, tuna, kewpie, etc. I am looking forward to making them tonight. C is off all weekend which is going to be really nice. Two days in a row. Maybe I can get a little bit of a break. 

ANA Y4 D50

My fucking head is screaming again. Started around noon yesterday. Still going. I have shit to do today and am not in the mood for this. Have to go to the dentist. Have to take Merlot to the vet. I am taking a sick day from work for all this and do not have the patience for this. So tired of it. Tired of the construction closing my street and making noise all day. Tired of being alive.

ANA Y4 D49

C got a song stuck in my head last night.

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine...

There. Now it's stuck in yours. You're welcome. 

Better day. Merlot is eating again. My head was quiet. I spent the day doing a mentoring workshop with clients that actually went well. The only issue was last night. We discovered flies in the house. But it was like one at a time. We'd kill one and then two minutes later find another. No source. No multiples. I went Walter White on them. There's still one that I know of in here. Driving me insane. I just want to know where they're coming from. I fucking hate them. I will find the bastard and kill him.  

ANA Y4 D48

Yesterday was rough. Merlot is not eating and I am worried. My ears were screaming. The dog was being annoying. I have a rash and it is itchy. I just can't win, can I?

ANA Y4 D47

Ears are back. They've been quiet for a couple of days with just some intermittent screaming. But this morning they are right back to it. Fuck me.

Boring day which is okay. C worked. I did house stuff. Organized more clothes. Cleaned. Made burgers for dinner.

Work today.  

ANA Y4 D46

Fighting the cat and dog to eat the right food. One wants the other and the other wants the other. Yep. Make sense of that sentence. I don't know. I am tired and it's 7am. Just crazytown around here already. Weather is stupid. Rain. Hot. Rain. Windy. Tree branches all over the yard. No no, climate change is totally fake. Argh. Mental breakdown on a Sunday.

Made hibachi last night. Came out 100% perfect. C said it was one of the best meals I ever made her. That felt good. Merlot had an accident on the bed. Had to wash the sheets at 9pm. Managed to get a small walk in before the sky opened up. Sigh. All over the place in my brain this morning. 

ANA Y4 D45

Just woke up a few minutes ago. Took the dog out, took my meds, now sitting down. The way a weekend should be.

Had a good friday. Picked up Merlot's new meds. Starting them on Monday. She needs four appointments at the start so I had to find a day that would line up. She starts Monday, then check on Thursday, then the two following Thursdays. She also has a new litterbox coming and new food. We will get this under control. Did some work. Went to a friend's house for dinner. Nice going somewhere else and letting someone else cook for me. Doggo came with us and got to have a play date. She ran around and tired herself out. We were there until about 9, headed home, in bed by 11pm. 

Nothing planned for today. C has to work all weekend so I am just home alone. It's okay. I will survive. 

ANA Y4 D44

Yesterday was rough. First off, my ears came screaming back. I had to ignore it all day though because I was teaching. There were a couple of moments where I was a little on edge but in general I kept it upbeat and didn't snap at anyone. It was a challenge to be sure. The real hard part was the vet called with Merlot's results. Poor baby has diabetes. I have to go and get her meds to start her on daily insulin meds and a new diet. BUT we caught it super early and as such she should live a long life as long as we keep her on the meds. But it's just another $1000+ a year I now have to spend. You wonder why I can never get ahead? Of course I will do it. I will figure it out. I always do.

ANA Y4 D43

Not feeling well this morning. I can't eat like I used to. Any kind of spicy or heavy food these days causes me repercussions the next. Old age sucks.

Taught all day. Started at 8, finished at 4. Not a bad group. No major issues. Didn't feel like cooking so had taco bros. Paying for it. Not much else going on right now. 

ANA Y4 D42

I know I shouldn't jinx it, question it, or complain about it but...

Two days. Two days of silence. Why? What changed? Not my diet. Not my habits. Weather has been the same mostly. So what changed? Why? I wish I could understand the triggers better. Is it because I talked to C about some things? Is it because I got things off my chest? Is it because I made it past my birthday? How much was mental and how much was physical? The pollen is gone. Was it allergen related? I wish I had answers but I am happy to have had two days.

Last day of vacation yesterday. I did mostly nothing. We were both home. We took dog for walk. We cleaned. We played video games. We watched a documentary. I did check in and answer some emails so I didn't come into a shitstorm this morning. But otherwise a nice way to wrap up. I teach the next two days and then have some stuff to do Friday. This week is solid and will be over before I know it. Just have to get through two days of this class. I can do it. I then have 3 days of teaching the week after next, and more in August. Should start getting busier as we reach end of year. 

ANA Y4 D41

I had a good birthday. Not going to lie. I was well wished by about 15 people wish is more than I expected. Made me feel cared about for sure. I spent the day moving at my own pace, took the cat to the vet (she's fine, blood work), we went to K-Pot, our friend came over for cake and two games of Scrabble. All in all, a good day. This is my last day off and I plan on relaxing. I did check email and I have a shitstorm to deal with tomorrow but that's a tomorrow problem. Today I will be ignoring it all.

ANA Y4 D40

Happy birthday to me.

I have had about 12 hours of silence. It's so nice. Finished the laundry room floor. Pics tomorrow. Today I do nothing. Dinner and cake tonight.

ANA Y4 D39

24 straight hours with no relief in my head. This is insane. It has to stop. I hate everything and everyone right now. Fuck living. This isn't living.

ANA Y4 D38

We made our own fireworks last night. The only thing worth celebrating was us. Heck yeah.

My head is still the bane of my existence. I fucking hate it. Driving me nuts. For real. I did go through clothes yesterday. Made some tough choices but have a good pile for donations and my closet looks much more organized. Small victories.

Hair appointment today. 

ANA Y4 D37

Woo. America Day. Woo.

Like there's anything in this piece of shit country to celebrate right now. Deputized ICE agents? A corrupt supreme court? A toddler in charge? What pray tell am I celebrating? White people? Slavery? Get fucked.  

ANA Y4 D36

Been up for a while. Just been doing some shit already. I did sleep in until 6:15 which was nice. I got through my meeting yesterday and am officially off for the next few days. I got one thing off my 10 item list do... no wait, two things! Only 7 left to go and I should get one to two done today. Picking up my cake today too. 

I had two friends reach out to me yesterday for different reasons. One was sharing a life update. I am so proud of how far they have come with everything. Of all the people I know, they are in the top three for people who deserve to finally be happy. The other was checking in on me. Appreciate both of them.

Sending C off to work and then doing my list of stuff. 

ANA Y4 D35

This is it. I have ONE meeting from 10-12 and then I am done for a week. I have my small list of projects. I will sleep in dammit at least one day. 

I recorded a how to video yesterday. That was good. Made brats for dinner. Made a new dessert. Functioned. 

ANA Y4 D34

It was so bad last night that it was slipping into my dreams. I went to bed at around 10 because I couldn't be awake any more. But then when I did fall asleep it was in my damn dreams. At 1:30am I took a Claritin to see if it would help. Guess what? It did. I was able to sleep at least. Not perfect but at least now I am functional. If this has all been allergy related I will stab someone in the face.

Got my templates done, got the meds, ordered my cake. Picking cake up Thursday. Made chicken caesar wraps for dinner.  Watched half of the thunderbolts. I want to like it but meh. It's just so formulaic. Same marvel junk. I will probably finish it today. I also have to record a tutorial video today. Fun stuff but almost done for the week!

ANA Y4 D33

I started in on my vacation project list yesterday. There's a couple of things on my list I can only do if C is home to keep helpers at bay. One is now done. I can't do the next one until next Sunday for the same reasons. I managed to finally finishing painting the walls in the laundry room. Next is the floors. But I can't do it with helpers. So it waits. But that's okay. I feel accomplished just getting something done. I also did her laundry, cleaned all the floors, made ahi for dinner, took the dog for a walk, and didn't let zippiedoodleitis ruin my life. Small victories people, small victories.

I only have to make 2 1/2 days this week then I am on vacation. Today's tasks included writing some templates for moodle migration, ordering my birthday cake, and picking up a scrip at the vet. Go me. 

ANA Y4 D32

You know those ads for meds that are like "don't like zepotalism stop you from living you life!"? That's how I acted yesterday. I ignored my head the best I could I just did as much as I could. Sometimes it worked, but for the most part it didn't. But I tried. I detailed my car. Like 3 hours of hand washing and cleaning. That made me happy. I installed a new cat door. I cleaned. I did laundry. I did a million little things to distract myself. At least I felt productive even if I felt like killing myself. I will go out with a clean house and clean underwear! Going to do the same today. Going to paint the laundry room. Knock out one of my vacation tasks early. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y4 D31

Had a small window of silence yesterday. Was so nice. From like 1pm on. But now it's back again. It's mild this morning but it's there. It's at a functional level right now. Let's see how the day goes.

Few more days and I am on my break. I can make it. 

ANA Y4 D30

Seriously? Can I get one day of relief? Nope. Wake up. Head scream. I am so tired of it. Pressure changes. Heat. Rain. Heat. Rain. Fuck this. Screwdriver please.

ANA Y4 D29

 Nothing to report. I mowed the lawn. Then it rained. I am like Kafka.

ANA Y4 D28

I wish that I could say I was "better" but I am not. I did actually work with a client yesterday which brought me some enjoyment. Instead of just blankly staring at a screen all day I got some interaction with other human beings. It was still hot yesterday which didn't help. Reached over 100 at one point. I still find myself pondering time zones and heat. Hear me out. Here it gets sweltering starting around 2 or 3pm. Keeps going until 9pm. I think about being back on the west coast. I think about how you would never be caught dead sitting out at the beach from 11-3 as that's the worst of it. But by six, it starts to cool down. Time zones. Yeah, this is how my brain works. We didn't eat until almost 8pm last night because we were too hot. It's supposed to break today. We shall see.

Oh and for the record, yes I bitch about the cold, I bitch about the heat. Fall. Fall is when I am happy. 

ANA Y4 D27

I was thinking about my birthday yesterday morning. I was thinking about how I cancelled my BBQ. I told everyone that it was because I didn't want to interrupt their 4th of July weekend. I casually said oh yeah, we will reschedule for later in the month. But I won't. Because the truth is, I cancelled it because I am tired of being the one who has to plan, coordinate, organize, host, cook, and clean up their own birthday party. I will be turning 57 years old. You know how many surprise parties I have had? Zero. You know how often in my adult years I have been the one to have to hype my own birthday? I didn't do it this year. I didn't "remind" people. I haven't sent out obnoxious posts saying "only xxx hours until my birthday!". Because the reality is, no one gives a fuck. No one cares about my birthday.

Of course this all tracks back to childhood trauma. I mean let's be honest, doesn't everything? For real. Remember when I said I was excited to go to Nashville solely in part because of how mundane and banal in the grand scheme of things the trip really was? This holds true for my birthday. Not once have I ever had a birthday party where neighborhood kids or classmates come over and we have a magician or a clown and stupid backyard shenanigans. Not once. Not once did I have a pizza party at Chuck E Cheese or a hotel pool party. Not fucking once. My birthdays were spent with my grandparents and parents and siblings. My birthdays were spent by myself later on. People forgot. I was Sam in 16 candles. Now I can trace part of this back to a few things. One - summer baby. So no in school party or reminders. Two, we never lived in a house or neighborhood. I didn't have neighborhood friends. We were too busy moving in the middle of the night. Lastly my grandmother. The thought of uncouth children running in her backyard was probably the thing of nightmares. Dear god the horror of screaming children having fun! What would the neighbors think! Heavens! Yeah well fuck you.

So here I am at 57 years old chasing a high I can never have. Chasing the simplicity of normal fucking birthday party. I spent so many years having to hype my own shit up because all I wanted was normalcy. I spent years looking like a desperate fool and idiot. No more. If anyone even remembers I will be amazed. But I am not going to be the one this year to reach out. I am done with it. I apologize to all of you who I pressured into treating me special on my birthday. I am sorry for my neediness. 

ANA Y4 D26

C is already up and off to work. The freezers died at her work because of the heat. What a shock. It's not even 6am and it's already 80 something outside. It's going to break 100 today. Okay got her out the door. 

I had another rough day and I just gave up. I slept for over 3 hours yesterday because I was just done. Ironically that did the trick? For the first time in days my head wasn't splitting and my ears were quiet. Still going to the doctor when I can though. I need to rule out any physical issues before I start going down the path of mental ones. Have my ears checked by a doctor, have my jaw and bite checked by the dentist. Have my eyes checked by an eye doc. If all that checks out then I work with my therapist. I will get to the bottom of this.

Made a pork butt. Watched the finals of the game. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D25

I sent in a request for a doctor appointment. I need to rule out anything physical before I work on mental issues. Let's see how long it takes to get in to see her. In the 90s yesterday and close to 100 today. I was going to do some stuff in the yard but have decided nope. I will stay inside and stay cool. It's 7am and already 79 out. I am not about to add heat stroke on top of everything else. Making a pork butt today at 9am. I do need to fix the sticky tape on the hallway rug today. It's sliding all over the place thanks to the idiot behind me. Other than that, low impact activities only. Just a week and a half until I am on "vacation". Woo.

ANA Y4 D24

Sigh. I wish I could say I had a decent day yesterday but I would be lying. My ears are pushing me to the point of insanity. The constant weather and pressure changes are splitting my head wide open. I need some consistency please. We go from 85 degree days to 68 and raining in minutes. It's killing me. Plus I am stressed out which isn't helping. The house needs a major cleaning and I don't have the energy to do it. It's a vicious cycle that's never ending. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know I am worrying about it which makes it worse. Because, yeah, it is all in my head. Sadly.

Went to the store. Made dinner. Worked. Washed and changed the sheets. Swept. Took dog for walk.  

ANA Y4 D23

Slept like absolute shit. Up and down all night. Ears screaming. Weather sucks. Rain. Hot. Sticky. Need a new comforter. Need to wash sheets. Off to the store. Fuck this.

ANA Y4 D22

Woke up at 3am in screaming pain from a muscle cramp in my calf. Still hurts like hell. It's been raining non-stop since yesterday morning. Massive thunderstorms all day and night. Basement has water in it. Couldn't take dog for a walk. She doesn't even want to go outside to pee. But at least it's cooled off a bit and I got paid early because of Juneteenth. Whee.

ANA Y4 D21

I forgot my phone in the other room. No charge, no alarm. I have spots in front of my eyes this morning. I don't know why. My ears are already going. It's 83 already. It's 6:10am.

ANA Y4 D20

Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nil. That's what I have to say today. I am so tired of my head. Going to shove a screwdriver in my ear later.

ANA Y4 D19

Cancelled my birthday party. Wasn't feeling it. Is what it is.

Worked in the basement prepping for when I have time off and can finish the laundry room. 16 more days and I am off. Not that it will really matter much. Nothing does. 

ANA Y4 D18

Many things:

• The kid's partner's dad died. He was younger than me. BUT he lived in a van at the beach for 15 years. Mental health issues. Obesity. DUI. Diabetes. So many things. Sad butnot unexpected.
• C's ex's dad died. Sick for a long time so also not unexpected.
• Suprise company last night. Had pizza.
• Instaled a new ceiling fan in the office. Very nice, very happy.
• Protests across the street at the library. Support the message, support the idea, bad execution at doing it right next to a residential neighborhood and not downtown. Traffic was screwed, cars all over, trash. 

Okay so not that much. Still a decent amount of things for a Saturday. 

ANA Y4 D17

Thank you dog for waking me up at 5:30am. I don't need to sleep. Nope. Ugh.

Boring day. Walked over 3 miles. Made dinner. Not much else. 

ANA Y4 D16

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys died. This one hit me hard for some reason. I think it's because of all of his struggles and how quintessential they were to the California beach life. Sounds of my childhood. Sounds of summer. Wholesome. Good. No matter how corny they were, you sang along. You smiled on the inside even if the cynical teenager in you didn't listen to that crap. We all know their music. We all know their sound. So many points in my life where there was a song that fit. Plus all of his mental health struggles and pain. He will be missed.

My new chair arrived yesterday. My ass and back are very happy. The wheels on this thing are incredible. Silent, smooth. The lumbar support is awesome. I am loving it.

Made tuna for dinner. Off to the store now.  

ANA Y4 D15

I just realized I screwed up the name of my last three posts. Fixed. Shows you where my head has been.

It got hot yesterday. Like really hot. We struggled on our 2 miles. Couldn't do more than that. Got work done. Cooked on my new grill for the fourth day in a row. Chicken thighs. Tonight is tuna. Things are calm around here for now. B's dad is going to make a recovery. They've hired on of the area's biggest injury attorneys. This is a clear cut case for sure. At least something good may come out of this. Not much else going on. Almost the weekend. Three weeks until my birthday. 

ANA Y4 D14

Some sad news from B. Her dad and his wife were on a walk with their dog and suddenly a dog charged at them. It clamped down on their dog's neck. Her dad beat it off but then it attacked him. He has been in and out of the hospital with infection that won't heal, their dog has to have it's neck stapled, and is just a mess. Scary and sad.

We went on our walk. I made cheesesteaks on the grill. We watched tv. Comparatively speaking we had a much more boring day. 

ANA Y4 D13

Had a super busy day yesterday. Took the dog to the groomers. She looks much better now. They found a couple of small mats around her butt fluff. I ordered a new brush so that doesn't happen again. Damn double coated dog. Did laundry. Cleaned up the house. Did work. Answered emails. Followed up with clients. Made fish for dinner. Watched the Austin Majors with C. Just non-stop all day. But you know what? Better that than bored, lonely, and losing my mind.

ANA Y4 D12

I'm awake. Barely. Very sleepy. Had a somewhat better day yesterday. Not great but better. C was home and that helped.We got some stuff done around the house. Used the new grill. Went on a walk. But now it's another week. Only 3 more to go and I am on vacation.

ANA Y4 D11

Yesterday was a disaster. I was up way too early. I went to the store and on my way back a guy from the water company stopped me. They were going to be doing some final work and I was going to be without water for a couple hours. This is 7am mind you. Okay that sucks but liveable. Yeah no. Some fuckup broke the water main. I was trapped in the house with no water until 5:30pm. My yard is destroyed. I couldn't do anything. All fucking day. Noise constantly. Yelling.  Machinery. During all this a friend stopped by because his phone died and he had no one else to turn to. Yes, I fixed it but it was just one thing after another yesterday. My ears are STILL screaming. Fuck this life.

ANA Y4 D10

3:50am my head is already screaming. I am sweating. We need a new comforter now. Yesterday was all over the place. Up down and everything in between. Fuck this.

ANA Y4 D9

Nothing exciting going on. Have to go out early this morning and get the car serviced. Take car of tags. Pay bills. The usual.

Spent the day working with clients and docs. Made chicken for dinner. Went on a walk. Watched tv. C did order my birthday gift. I should have a new Blackstone grill this weekend. Excited for that. Otherwise, same ol same ol. 

ANA Y4 D8

Finally found the puke. It was the dog. She ate it and all we found was the stain. Stupid idiot. It's hot finally. Plus it's raining. Horrible combination. We did manage to get a small walk in and got back just before it started. I have therapy today. Taking the car in for service tomorrow so I moved it to today. Still feel a little blah. I need a break.

ANA Y4 D7

Woke up to the sound of the cat puking at 4:15am but I can't find it anywhere. I know that sound. It's somewhere and I am going to find it later when I end up stepping in it. Lovely.

Got hot yesterday. Reached 90. We still managed to go on a walk though. Proud of us for that. Spent the day working in Moodle again. Made tacos for dinner. C is off today so she stayed up late last night. She just went to bed at 2 and I feel horrible for waking her up just now but life goes on doesn't it? My ears are screaming again for some reason. I just can't fucking win anymore. 

ANA Y4 D6

I would say I am at 97% today. Still some lingering residual but I am back in the saddle. Doing okay this morning. It's already warm. We're finally going to get some hot temps this week. I got the dog a kiddie pool and we tried with her last night. She is unsure but not afraid. I think today when it gets really hot she will appreciate it. It's going to get up to 90 today. Light clothes and time to bring out the AC unit for the office. 

Got more done with moodle yesterday. Had a long ass meeting from 3:30-5 to show my progress. More on that today. Had leftovers for dinner. Went on a good walk. Things are slowly getting better. 

ANA Y4 D5

Almost there. 95% better? Not quite 100% but almost. Throat finally not hurting. Nose still little stuffed up. C is at about 75%. She has 1-2 more days. I did push myself a little yesterday. Mowed front and back yards, did all the laundry, cleaned. But I couldn't bring myself to cook dinner. Ordered out. Had to make a concession somewhere. Otherwise nothing exciting to report. Got a week full of meetings and client work. One month to go before I am on birthday break.

ANA Y4 D4

Still not 100%. I do feel slightly better. C ended up coming home early from work. We both spent the afternoon sleeping because we felt like shit. Probably do the same today. I did get my hair done but otherwise didn't do anything. I hate being sick. My throat is still killing me. Bleh.

ANA Y4 D3

Throat still hurts. Now C is sick. I ended up sleeping half the day away yesterday. Made potatoes with chili because we had to eat. This better pass soon. Shit the dog is now awake. I have hair appointment today. Need to go shower. Ugh. This weekend is going to suck.

ANA Y4 D2

I am sick. Like sick sick. My throat is still killing me. Can't breathe. Is that what I have to look forward to as I get older? Being unable to shake off a cold? I am sure I got this from the concert. Too many people coughing and breathing in the same air. Made for a horrible day yesterday. Barely got anything done. Was absolutely in no mood to cook. C went and got us Arbys. I hope I can do a little better today. Going to take some DayQuil in a little while. Bleh.

ANA Y4 D1

We start this new year kind of in a negative. I have been up since 2:45am. Woke up with a severe sore throat. Bad enough that I was awake awake. Cephacol for the win. But now I am really awake.

Quiet day yesterday. Worked on our new LMS system, had a kickoff meeting with a client. Made stuffed chicken breasts for dinner. Went on a 1.5 mile walk interrupted by rain. Watched a little tv. Not a bad day, just a quiet one. 

ANA Y3 D365

The end of the year. Wow.

Worked late last night. But it was planned. My boss and I needed a solid block of time together that worked for both of our schedules and we ended up with 4-7pm my time. We are kicking off a couple of new projects and that was the only time where we could both be involved. We got a lot accomplished and I will be taking over from here. We have another project kicking off today at noon. Hopefully these both will generate enough revenue to keep us going for another year or two. Hopefully. Made frozen pizzas for dinner as a result. Watched tv. Went to bed. 

Anticlimatic end of year. Sorry. No great insights or revelations. 

ANA Y3 D364

Slept very weird last night. In and out of sleep all night. Too hot, too cold. Weird dreams. Dreams that made no sense. Not good.

Didn't do anything yesterday. Enjoyed my day off. Took dog for walk. Made burgers and hot dogs for dinner. Really not much to discuss as it was a pretty uneventful day.

ANA Y3 D363

Two more days and this blog year will be over. I went back and checked, it was 16 years ago yesterday I started writing. Nearly two decades of brain dumping. God I was so lonely and desperate for human connection. Not that I am immune from that now, but I know I am in a healthier place in general. I also know that my recent depression has been due to stress, my ears, and a multitude of things not within my control. Even 16 years later all I want is control over my life. Guess that's what happens when you spend your childhood with trauma? Regardless, I have survived. I have grown. I have learned how to live my best life on my own terms. Who I am now is not who I was then, is it? Not just the physical changes. Mentally as well. The biggest change of course is finally for the first time in my life being in a healthy emotionally equitable relationship. Yesterday C had lunch with her sister. They met halfway between us both. Not only did I not stress or worry, I don't really care what they talked about. If she wants to share with me, she can share with me. She told me they caught up on life and the like and that's cool. I don't feel the FOMO or exclusion I used to feel. I did my own thing while she was gone. Mostly that consisted of laundry and dishes, but there wasn't any anxiety. There wasn't any why am I not included. 

Funny enough, I have been chatting with B the last couple of days. On Friday she messaged me in the morning asking if we could talk. She was having a breakdown. Turns out she thought her car was being stolen. There was a similar car parked in front of her house and she saw someone get in and drive away. She called 911 only to realize HER car was in the driveway. She got home first that day and parked in the driveway. I let her vent, then I gently mocked her to try and lighten the mood. It worked. Now, I did ask if A was at work, basically my way of saying "Why are you calling me and not your partner?". Turns out they hadn't spoken in three days. Living as roommates. It's a big long story about shit that I don't want to get into but the bottom line is A shut down and hasn't been talking. Look I get it, I get shutting down while you process for a while, but three days? Come on. C and I have gone three hours, but not days. We talk it through. Even B and I could talk it through. I had a long conversation with B that they need to reevaluate their relationship and what they want because if they're planning on marriage this needs to be fixed NOW. This is the kind of shit I am talking about when I say I am in a healthy relationship. None of the games or stress. We have normal people stress. We have things we work through, talk through, and support each other. B ended up going to the zoo on Saturday without A because they still weren't talking. I am going to check in with her later as they had a BBQ yesterday and I am wondering how that went. Morbid curiousity I guess? Plus I know if something happens she will end up in my damn basement. Sigh.

I made a pork tenderloin for dinner last night. Apricot glaze. Came out really nice. We were both happy. When we ent to bed I told C it was an off day and she agreed saying "I never felt truly awake today". Yep. That's it. That is the perfect description. So hopefully today will feel more normal for both of us. She is off to work right now. I am going to do jack shit. It's my holiday thank you. 

Wow. This is the most I have wrote in a while. I must be feeling better?

ANA Y3 D362

Running on 4 hours sleep. More than I thought I would get. Ironically my anxiety about getting there and parking was misplaced. It took us from 11:49pm until 1:15am to get out of the garage and on to the streets for the freeway. The venue was more than able to handle the crowd, the city infrastructure was not. 9 lanes of traffic from three garages merging into one lane due to road closures and construction. Insane. We didn't get home until 2:15am after picking up the dog.

We dropped her off at 3pm, got to the garage with zero issue at 3:30. Walked over to Ford Field around 4, got our merch outside, in line at 5, doors opened at 5:40. Got inside, peed, got some beverages for the night and some food. Our seats were amazing. They gave us wristbands on entry that were synced to the light shows all night. Made the audience part of the show. Mike Dean started at 6:45, Playboi Carti around 8, The Weeknd at 9:10. He did a 2 hour plus set. Look, I didn't know a single song all night, but that was a SHOW. I haven't seen lasers like that since Floyd. Or pyrotechnics and stage production since KISS. Seriously. It was incredible. T shaped stage that came out all the way into the audience. He even walked the floor at one point. I took over 340 pictures and videos. I also made sure to where my ear plugs which saved me. I am doing okay this morning as a result. 

I need a rest, but one hell of a night.

ANA Y3 D361

It's concert night. I wish I could say I was excited. I had to prepay for our parking last night. Half a mile away for $60. Seriously. Not even at the venue. There's also a baseball game at the same time next door. It's going to be a complete madhouse down there tonight. It's also cold outside. 50 degrees with 10 mph winds is the expectation for when we're down there. Sigh.

ANA Y3 D360

Finally had a decent day yesterday. Things stabilized enough in my head I wasn't dying. Took all fucking week. Had meeting after meeting. Got stuff done. Finally went on a walk. All these things contribute to me being more functional. Just got to pay bills and get through today.

ANA Y3 D359

Almost there. I gave myself an existensial crisis last night. Just what I needed. Let's see if today is any better.

ANA Y3 D358

I am still alive. For now.

Putting on the mask and pretending it's all okay. It's what I do.

ANA Y3 D357b

I don't normally do this but if I am writing two in one day, you know something is up.

My head just won't stop. I tried taking a brief nap for my lunch break and it's no better. Instead I had a dream about fish in tanks being dead, lights not working, and my stupid stepfather. Do not look up what dead fish or fish tanks or broken light fixtures mean on dream interpretation sites. Trust me. It only reinforced the idea that my head is broken, my brain is broken, my life is stuck, and things in general suck ass.

I want to cook. I just want to cook things. I want to be in the kitchen experimenting and trying things and making stuff for the pure joy. But even now, cooking has become a chore. Get up, take dog out, stare at screen, do dishes, do laundry, make dinner, do more dishes, go to bed. Literally that's my life 6 days a week. On the 7th I get a break from staring at screen. Oh boy. It's a rut. I can't afford to go anywhere. I can't afford to do anything. Not that it would matter. C doesn't get consecutive days off. You know how fucking hard it is to schedule a life around Sunday and Wednesday off? It fucking sucks. She wants to quit. But she also hasn't taken care of her name. This isn't my fight. I took care of mine. I am not her goddamn parent. I have done everything I could. I tell her I will drive her to the court and stand by her. But I can't fill out the paperwork. I can't submit the forms. SHE has to do this on her own. But this is just one small part of my brain problems. Work. Money. Life. Dog. House. All of it keeps coming down on my head. I tried to get out of town and it was horrible. Bad bad bad. Too much effort for too little payout. Plus these other things are always hanging over me and never letting me fully experience the moment.

We have the concert this weekend. I wish I could say I was looking forward to it. I am once we're inside and sitting down. You know how this goes. My anxiety about driving there, dropping the dog off, finding parking, merch lines, food lines, finding our seats, getting out, driving home, picking the dog up. All of that for what will be 2-3 hours of distraction. Plus this is for C. I literally couldn't name a single song. The lights will be pretty but I will be sitting there the whole time. Now August's concert will be different. I know that music. Smaller venue I have been to multiple times. I know where the parking is. I know where my seats are. I KNOW THE BAND AND THE MUSIC. But can I make it until August? Fuck I don't even know if I will get through today let alone this weekend let alone three more months.

It's raining outside which isn't helping things either. I am so sick of the weather here. I want out. I need out. If I don't get out soon, there's always the shotgun in the other room...

 Problems have solutions.
A lifetime of fucking things up fixed in one determined flash. 

So much blood for such a tiny little hole.

ANA Y3 D357

Here we go again. Another day. 

My ears are still going. Two days in a row now. It's cold too which is just dumb. Four more days. Then I might have a break. We will see.

ANA Y3 D356

I was better yesterday but woke up this morning to screaming head. Why? What was different yesterday? Why today? I don't understand it. I can't put my finger on what is different each day. Driving me nuts.

Yesterday was the baby's first birthday. We took her to a nature preserve for a 3 mile walk. Made her steak and had a cake. She didn't understand all that was going on but she knew she was the center of attention.

I make it through this week and we have a concert Saturday and a holiday Monday. 

ANA Y3 D355

I have to write something.

Can't let the page be blank ever.

Can't see the forest for the trees any more.

Almost jabbed a knife in my own leg in the kitchen last night because why not?

ANA Y3 D354

C has a really rough day yesterday. Her other cat that she left with her mom (because it is technically hers) had to be put down yesterday. He was 18 and C had him since a kitten. They spent nearly two decades together. It was rough on her to say the least. I know this feeling. I felt like that with Beep. A companiion of so long gone in a flash. She was a wreck all day.

Worked on stuff. Made cheesesteaks for dinner. Watched some TV. Went on our daily walk.

ANA Y3 D353

Rough night. Around 1:30am the sky opened up with tremendous thunder and lightning. Shook the whole house and you would have thought it was daytime. All of us were awake until 2:30am because of it. I did fall back to sleep until 5:30 but had weird ass dreams. Waterparks, houses connected to spas, weird shit.

Got my class uploaded to Udemy yesterday. Now out in the free world. Scary. Made chicken for dinner. Watched some tv. Played some games. Got to go pick up a cake for Sandy. Her one year birthday is Sunday. 9 months since we got here. The longest I have had a dog of my own. 

Just make it through the day...

ANA Y3 D352

Getting close now.

Got quite a bit done yesterday. We're doing a trial run of putting some of our material on Udemy to create a passive income stream by reaching a wider audience with our material. I spent yesterday doing conversions of our existing material to their format. Turned out to be easier than we imagined. Not easy just easier. I have more to do today.

Went on our walk. Made grilled swordfish burritos for dinner. A pretty decent day.

ANA Y3 D351

Another day. I need to find an ENT. I don't care what my PCP says, something is wrong with my ears. Driving me nuts.

Worked on classes. More of the same today. Made chicken for dinner. Short walk because of weather. Drizzling all day.

Not much else.

ANA Y3 D350

Two weeks and we start another year. Jesus. 2009. That's when I started this. 16 years ago. An entire life it feels. How many lives have I led in the almost two decades since I started all this? How many people have I been? How much have I done? How much have I seen? I've loved. I've lost. I went down one path just to go down another. 16 years. 

Spent the day doing class stuff, had a meeting, dealt with the some prep work for a new client. Didn't want to cook so we ordered take out from a local place. Was good. Watched tv. Played games together. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D349

Another week. Are we ready for it? I'm not. Another week of pushing paper, being stressed out, staying in the house. Oh joy.

Didn't do much of anything. Went on 3 mile walk. Played outside. Played video games. Watched some tv. Had leftovers for dinner.

ANA Y3 D348

Happy Mother's Day to those who celebrate.

I woke up from the shittiest dream this morning. I was back in an office. Had a team. Had no clue what I was doing. Felt useless. Gee, wonder what that means/

Boring day. Went on a 3 mile walk. Orderd pizza late. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D347

Saturday. Thank god. I need a day where I no thinkie. Made lamb ribs last night. A little fatty but otherwise good. Not much of anything else. 3 mile walk. Played outside.

ANA Y3 D346

We have a new Pope and he's American. There's something I never thought I would see in my life. I don't know how I feel about this. I fear it being used by the wrong people to justify their actions.

My ears are already going. This needs to stop. I wish I could live off the disability and that's something I thought I would never say in my life.

Time to pay bills and go to the store.

ANA Y3 D345

It was really nice yesterday. Nice enough we took two walks. C was off and we took advantage. I finished my new class around 10am, we went on our first walk around 2pm, our second at 8pm. Got in almost 7 miles yesterday. Made fish and chips for dinner. Finally a decent day.

ANA Y3 D344

Yesterday was so bad. I broke down crying at one point. I couldn't even see. These are my equivalents of people who have migraines and just shut down. Except they have imotrex. I have nothing. I had to get a ton of demos done. I am down to three. I will get them done this morning and can put this new class to bed. I worked from 6:30 to 4 yesterday trying to finish. Then we went on a walk. Made tacos for dinner. Please dear god, let me have a break today?

ANA Y3 D343

ARGH! The weather CHANGED AGAIN. It's raining. It sucks. My head.

Worked. Ate. Walked. Slept.

ANA Y3 D342

I am so tired of greed and ads and algorithms and suggestions. If these damn companies 20 years ago had just said "it's $20 a year to use our product" we would have bitched but we would have used it. But then they wouldn't be making "continual revenue growth!" or some stupid shit. Greed. It's all about fucking greed.

Rained all goddamn day yesterday. Couldn't do shit outside the house. Didn't want to cook for dinner so we went to Arby's. I made brats on the grill in the rain for lunch. We were so 'midwest' yesterday. We watched "sports" and ate grilled food. Ridiculous.

Another fucking week of doing shit I don't want to do about shit I don't care about. Yay.

ANA Y3 D341

Weather changed AGAIN ears going crazy. Argh. Getting real tired of this.

Had a decent day. Went to the grocery store, had my hair done, cooked a pork butt in the slow cooker. Had friend over to share said pork butt. Played some games, watched some games, cleaned the house, did dishes. Not bad.

ANA Y3 D340

Finally got my APRIL expense check. Ugh. Everyone is now paid. Fucking delay. But it's done.

Did more paperwork yesterday. Sat through meetings. Mowed the front lawn. Went on a walk. Made salmon for dinner.

Hair appointment today. Just started a pork butt.

ANA Y3 D339

 Nothing exciting going on. Another day another day. Yep.

ANA Y3 D338

Welcome to May of 2025. The world is in a state of who knows what. It's raining outside. One cross each, first door on the left.

I still haven't received my expense check for April. It's May. I am not happy. You want me to work? Then pay me. Ass gas or grass no one rides for free. Didn't have it in me to cook last night. We had a hodge podge of leftovers. It was food. It was sustenance. Not much more than that. I am tired, frustrated, annoyed. 

ANA Y3 D337

My ears won't shut up. I am stressed out and the weather is messing with me and it's wreaking havoc on my head. I haven't gotten this month's expense check and today is the last day. I have shit to pay with that money. I am so fucked.

ANA Y3 D336

Was so hot last night. We need a new comforter. My friend suggested down. We are going to look into that. 

Worked on new material yesterday. 32 demos in this new class. Got about 11 done. Another 10 today and finish on Wednesday. Went for a walk. Made hens, played outside. Good day.

ANA Y3 D335

Thirty more days and we start a new year. Wow. You know how many years I have been writing this thing? 16. Almost an entire adult. That's crazy. Not a single day missed either. I know some days are less descriptive than others, but still.

As expected we didn't do much of anything yesterday. Three mile walk was the big thing we did. We watched the ESL grand finals because C wanted to. I have never watched anything like that before and found myself getting into it. Scary. But it was fun to share in something new like that. We BBQ'd burgers and spent time out in the yard. All in all it was a good day.

ANA Y3 D334

Yesterday was wonderful. The exact opposite of Nashville. We had a fantastic time doing stuff, walked over 7 miles, and my ears didn't bug me once! Wish I could say the same for this morning. Yesterday we had the air on in the house, this morning the heat. I blame my ears right now on that. 

I got to my friend's house at 7am, we spent some time getting Sandy situated and went over some rules with her daughter who was watching her. Nothing major. This was the first time she was away from us like that and I wanted to make sure everything was cool. She has never been in a yard free range and I wanted her to make sure there was no digging under a fence or anything. We were in the car by 7:15am and on our way!

When we rolled into town we saw a larger number of cars than expected. Turns out the university was having graduation. But the thing is? Never once during the day was it an issue. Even with the extra people in town we never felt crowded or stressed out. We had breakfast, went to the museum, made our own perfumes, walked around, did wine tasting, more walking, had ramen, and came home. Everything felt right and comfortable. I couldn't have asked for a better day. We were home by 6:30pm and the doggo was fine. Picture perfect.

Not sure what's the plan for today. Looks cloudy out but might get some yardwork in.

ANA Y3 D333

Off to Grand Rapids today! Hopefully it will not be a repeat of Nashville. I talked it through with my therapist yesterday and she reassured me of all the differences. I feel better. Still anxious but better. Boring day. Finished a new class. Played outside. Mowed the lawn. Made a chicekn pasta dish for dinner. Time to shower!

ANA Y3 D332

Had the most intense dream last night. Aliens, sentient AI, suicide, time travel, happiness. So out there I don't know what to make of it.

Worked on stuff, took dog for walk, made ahi burgers, watched tv. Nothing exciting. Bills, therapy, life today.

ANA Y3 D331

I finally got a doctor's appointment. Next Tuesday. I took the appointment for a couple reasons. One I worked hard to get it and two even if things are feeling better, I can make sure I am healing well. Not happy it took so damn long but whatever. Slept in this morning. Both of us feel like we're not getting enough sleep. Don't know why to be honest. I have to get up early the next couple of days and I took advantage of today. 

Did mostly paperwork yesterday with a couple of meetings thrown in. We are migrating our LMS system starting May 1st and we're in the planning stages right now. This will be my main focus in May. Roll it out to customers in June. Keeps me busy. We also landed a $350k gig for the company this week which helps. Not enough to keep us going long term, but keeps the lights on.

B came over last night to pick up something and doggo got to meet their doggo. Went quite well. They both got along and had a fun time. I feel more confident about her being around other dog on Saturday now. C wasn't feeling well last night and I made her grilled cheese and soup. I had leftovers. We watched some tv, played some video games, went to bed.

Nothing exciting planned for today. Laundry and grocery store while working.

ANA Y3 D330

My ears are going squish squish, my toothbrush died, and I still can't breathe out of my left nostril. Welcome to my world. Nothing of any real note happened. The world still sucks. The pope is dead thanks to Cringe Lord, and I am fed up with everything. Had a weird dream that made no sense. Made sloppy joes. I am done.

ANA Y3 D329

I didn't get into the doctor yesterday. Right ear is worse. Almost went to urgent care but decided to stick it out one more day. The price difference isn't worth it. Last time I went to urgent care for this shit it cost me $150. I go to my regular doctor it will be $25. Hopefully I will hear from them today. 

Did take it easy yesterday to try and relieve the pain in my head. My right ear is squish squish right now. Hard to focus on anything else. Made salmon with udon last night.

ANA Y3 D328

Ear infection, right ear. Throbbing. Pain. Sent doctor appointment request last night. Hope to hear back from them this morning. Need ear drops. I could feel it coming all day yesterday. Hurting in my jaw, making me cranky. I know my ear holes. I know when they need the meds.

Made my roast, came out nice. Was very happy but sadly had little appetite all day. Didn't have energy to do much around the house either. Weather was false sun. You'd go outside thinking it was warm and nope. Today is supposed to be nicer. Let's see if it is. 

3 more hours before I would hear anything from my doctor at the earliest.

ANA Y3 D327

Happy Lich King Day.

Went to the store already. Doing a roast for tonight and needed the veggies.

Cleaned house. Watched Wrestlemania. Not much else.

ANA Y3 D326

Had a rough night. Got up at 12:30am took NyQuil and had to turn on the AC. Time to switch to a lighter blanket. Day was pretty good. Had a few meetings, had some outside time, went on a walk. Friend came over to watch a movie and he brought root beer float fixings. Was a nice night. 

Raining right now so nothing immediately planned other than house cleaning.

ANA Y3 D325

Finally coming out of this cold. I can breathe out my left nostril finally. Hurray! My throat is still a little sore. But overall I am recovering. Nothing exciting here. Made fried chicken sandwiches for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed early to get the rest. Weather is finally going to be nice today. I see a walk in our future!

ANA Y3 D324

One of my actual friends reached out to me yesterday to see how I was holding up from everything. I will tell you all the same thing I told her, after having a couple days to reflect on everything, I get it. We are fundamentally different people. But you know what? That's okay. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is. I tried to fit into a world that isn't right for me. That doesn't mean I am broken or something is wrong with me. We have different life experiences that have shaped us to be different people. Online we shared enough high level interests that we were able to have a friendship. In practice, we approach life from two different places and don't mesh. I identified four instances from Saturday that highlighted this. Technically I did suggest breaking and entering twice, I stole silverware, and I tried to get us on a tour bus. Taken individually these things wouldn't seem so bad but to all happen in a 13 hour window? Sure I get it. Your moral compass doesn't align with mine. Now to be fair, C would have been on board with at least three of those activities. She hates when I steal silverware too but finds it endearing not horrible person level. There were other little things too that came out that showcased our differences. I would wander off while we were at museums. I also felt judged about my choices in purchases. Things I looked at were deemed "clutter" where as for her the things she looked at were fine. Nope. Let it be a lesson learned and let's move forward. But to my friend who reached out - thank you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

I did in fact take a sick day yesterday. Got a good midday block of sleep in. Not 100% but feel better. Throat is still scratchy and nose stopped up. But I will get through by the weekend I am hoping. No plans for this weekend so I will get rest in. I did do laundry yesterday and made chicken fried rice for dinner. I may be sick but my pack needs to eat! 

More paperwork today. Whee!

ANA Y3 D323

I am still stinging from what went down. To go from talking to someone nearly every day to nothing has been rough. Add to everything I am really sick. Achy, sneezing, stopped up nose, the works. I am taking an actual sick day today and going to park my ass on the couch. Watch bad tv and do nothing guilt free. 

I did mostly paperwork and research yesterday. Of course I also rehashed the whole weekend in my head a 1000 times. Meh. I have to accept I will never fit in.

ANA Y3 D322

I am posting today with a heavy heart. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true. My "friend" has decided that after spending two days with me that we are "fundamentally different people and it's best that moving forward we maintain a professional relationship only". Basically I got friend broken up with yesterday. That hurts. A lot. I am not going to lie. I guess for the last year that we've known each other, being online friends was at just the right level of surface stuff that it worked, but being in person changed the dynamic. I don't know what she means by "fundamentally different people" but at the same time I do. We're at different life stages, different attitudes towards things, different value and belief systems. Much of which rose to the surface. I know I can be challenging to be around in person. I get it. I was just hoping to know what it was like to just be "normal" I guess? To have a mundane regular friendship with someone? All this does is show me that no matter what I do I will never fit in with the standard straight CIS woman experience. For example she was more getting into all the bachelorette parties going on around us and a couple of times about things she said "oh come on, we all went through that phase of xyz". Well no, we all didn't go through that phase. I wish I had, but I didn't. She's a standard Catholic girl with a loving family, a husband, who talks to her parents every day. Me? I'm a recluse who hates noise and people. Part of me wants to be that kind of person who spends their weekends working on home projects with their spouse and having dinners with the parents and all those regular old things. But it will never happen. I will also be the trauma influenced tranny desperately looking to make a connection. We have very different attitudes towards money, morals, ethics, etc and again, it all came to the surface being together like we were. I tried my best to be just a regular person, but I never will be. So yeah this hurts.

ANA Y3 D321

Two day update:

We got up early Saturday morning as planned. I was up at 4,  woke my friend up at 6. We went and had some really good pancakes. It was nice being up and out that early. The city felt so much different at that time of day. Much like Vegas in the early morning. All weekend I kept flashing back to Vegas. Nashville truly is the redneck Vegas. As I look back on the weekend I see how much everything in that area is about being drunk and spending money. We saw people already drunk by 10am both days. At 9, we went to the Hall of Fame. VERY cool. Saw some really fun and neat things. Then we went to Hattie B's for chicken. Long ass line, again, booze being poured everywhere. Even though we waited in line, the food delivered. Worth the wait and I don't say that often. We then went to the Gibson garage where LS Dunes happened to be doing a meet and greet. We just stumbled on that. Did some shopping then back to the hotel for a quick honk shoo. From there dinner. Dinner was good but not incredible. Definitely good though. Around 9pm we both decided it was time to head home.

Drove all night. The last two hours were rough. Got home around 6am and crashed for 2 hours. I realized midday I was getting a cold. Got everything unpacked and had a quiet day with C. We had dinner, watched TV, and I went to bed around 10 to try and sleep off the cold. Feeling better this morning but not 100%. 

Not sure what's on the calendar this week. 

ANA Y3 D320

I am home in one piece. More tomorrow.

ANA Y3 D319

I am here and having the time of my life. I was in the car as planned by 5:30. With a couple of stops to pee and get gas, I got here around 1pm. My friend arrived no more than 10 minutes after me. It was perfect. They luckily had a room ready for us. We are on the top floor overlooking all of downtown Nashville. I am typing this on the new laptop and am not used to the keyboard yet. Forgive typos today.

We got unpacked and hit the town. We went to the Johnny Cash museum, had BBQ, had milkshakes, end up in honky tonk lane, saw so many people and so many sights. We were back at the hotel by 9, passed out at 10.

Off to breakfast in a couple hours then the country music hall of fame awaits!!

ANA Y3 D318

I am up at soon I will be in the car headed to TN BABY! WOO! I am so excited for this trip it's not even funny. Got my hair and nails done yesterday. Cleaned the house for C. OMG I need this so bad.

ANA Y3 D317

There is snow covering the ground out there. Seriously. It started around 9pm last night. I give up.

I neded up buying a new laptop last night. I should be more excited but it really was a utilitarian purchase not an emotional one. My 7 year old laptop is struggling. I have mentioned this before. Battery issues, drive issues. I have been watching Microcenter for sales. Yesterday a $2000 Omen was on sale for $1100. With all the tarriff bullshit going down I had to make the hard decision of buy or not. I knew I would kick myself in the ass if six months from now the old one died on the road and a new one set me back $3000. I bit the bullet and bought it.

More holes in my yard. All day construction. In less than 24 hours I will be enroute to TN. I can survive another 24 hours. I have to.

ANA Y3 D316

I was right, sort of. First off, I spelled nicked wrong yesterday. Sue me. So at 5:30 in the morning I was looking up phone numbers, waking people up, being frantic thinking my house was flooding. Nope. These morons ended up leaving something exposed that they shouldn't have and froze the pipe leading into the house. Poor C had to call in because she couldn't get ready for work. I was unable to shower all day. I brushed my teeth with water from my water bottle. I need out of here. Friday cannot come soon enough. Then once they got water flowing again, because they had messed with the pipes so much we had mud in the line. I had to flush the entire system. It was insane. At the end of the day they had crews in my yard until 6pm digging a second hole, covering the first, and blocking us in until almost 7pm. Fall 2025 this will all be complete. God help us.

In other news the world is still falling apart, people are pissed off, and who knows if we will make it to fall. Joy.

ANA Y3 D315

We have no water this morning. Was working fine at 11pm. I have been running around the house looking for leaks, making emergency phone calls, nothing. I have no idea what is going on. I have been on the phone, waking people up, checking every inch of the house, no sound of water, no signs of water. It has to be outside. The gas people dug a hole in my yard last night and I have a feeling they knicked something. I will know more in an hour or so. This is fucking crazy.

ANA Y3 D314

Another week. It wasn't a bad day yesterday. Nothing exciting but not bad either. Made mexican combo platters for dinner. Washed sheets. Cleaned house. 4 days and I am OUT OF HERE. Making it through the week, just making it through the week.

ANA Y3 D313

Guess what? It's going to SNOW this week. So done with this.

The world is falling apart by the way. I am so done with everything. Just done.

ANA Y3 D312

My ears are bugging me today. Weather changed AGAIN. Going to be in the 40s today. The gas people are right next door with their hole digging. We get a few more days reprieve before they start digging up my yard. But next week I will have a hole. Just have to survive a few more days before I can leave. Taught all day. Finished around 5:30. Made food. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D311

It's always something isn't it? The toilet backed up, had to get a new plunger, fixed that, taught all day, made dinner, cleaned up the house did this did that. My emotional labor is through the roof. Don't get a break. Never get a break.

ANA Y3 D310

It was nowhere near the severity they predicted. What a shock, eh? We did get some heavy rain. I had friends with tornados miles from their houses but here? Meh. Still under a flood watch but it's not doing much of anything. The dog spent the day barking at thunder. Lights flickered a couple of times but that was it. Teach the next two days. Then it's weekend. Only 8 days until I am out of here!

ANA Y3 D309

We are under a severe flood watch from rain and snow all day. Going to start any minute and go until this time tomorrow. There goes my basement.

Boring day. Worked on admin stuff, made tuna for dinner. Watched some TV, went to bed.

ANA Y3 D308

Slept like absolute shit last night. We went to bed at 10, I tossed and turned until after midnight, woke up again at 3, woke up at 5:20 to my alarm, fell back to sleep until 6. It's freezing outside. My ears are killing me.

Did some analytics work yesterday. Compiled data from contracts and showed it's not worth it for us to change one of our providers for work. Got to build a dashboard and everything. You know, the stuff I teach other people how to do. Make coconut chicken for dinner. Played V rising. A lot of it. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D307

We got caught in a HUGE thunderstorm last night. All day the sky was grey and nasty but it was warm. Around 6:30 we chanced it and went for a walk. Every device in our house said it wouldn't start raining until 8pm at the earliest. Yeah, they lied. 7:30pm BOOM. We were so close to being back home. Like less than a quarter mile. The sky ripped open and deluged us. We were soaked from head to toe. Ended up having to come back inside and give the poor dog a rinse down, strip all of our clothes off, etc. But you know what? It was kind of fun. Just a silly little moment. I need those.

The day itself was uneventful. We had a good quiet sunday playing video games and hanging around the house. I made ribs for dinner. We watched a little tv. We got our 2 miles in. A successful day in my mind. I teach this week. I am down to just 12 days before I get my holiday. So close.

ANA Y3 D306

Made a cake, made steaks, tried to take a break. Ears in pain not again. Why me? Can't you see?

Okay I am done. That was just me being silly. It was an okay day. I was very lonely to be honest. Just dragged. Grey and rainy outside all day which sucked. Did some cleaning. Waited for C to get home basically.

ANA Y3 D305

My head is going this morning. Don't know why. Maybe because I am just stressed out from life. Maybe I will never shake this again. Maybe I am forever fucked in the head. No, not maybe. 

Went to B's house last night. She hemmed a jumpsuit for me. It was nice being out of the house even if it was just over there. Was gone for three hours. Longest I have been out of the house for a while. Felt weird. By the time I got home C was already falling asleep. That's my life.

ANA Y3 D304

Bills are tight this pay period. It's a weird one. Falls in a weird place. I am going to be barely making it for the next two weeks. Fuck me.

ANA Y3 D303

I felt pulled in six different directions yesterday. Now that I am doing more varied things at work I have more people asking for my help on stuff. It was all over the place yesterday. Annoying. We seemed to have lost power some time during the night. Need to restart things. Lovely. Going to the store this morning to get it out of the way. Still eating pork butt. Last of it tonight. 11 meals from $13. Not bad. I can handle that. Thoughts all over this morning. Need more sleep.

ANA Y3 D302

So tired. So sleepy. Head splitting. 29 degrees outside. Frost and light snow on the ground. So done with this. It's lasting longer this year, I swear.

Waited for stuff to be done yesterday. Didn't finish until 9:30pm so now I have to scramble this morning and get a bunch of stuff done before noon. I can do it. Made chicken for dinner. Tonight is salmon.

Did I mention I got my tax bill? $6000 this year. Yeah. You read that right. I owe 6 thousand dollars. Fuck the IRS. Fuck taxes. Fuck this world. Can't squeeze water from a rock no matter how hard you try.

ANA Y3 D301

Another Monday in the books. Anothe day down. I worked on some prep for an upcoming class. Our friend came over for dinner. She's going through it with her daughter. The daughter is boy crazy and not making the best decisions. It's a mess. She needed a break and came over to hang with us. Very nice time socializing and eating more pork butt. Only 2 lbs left. Whee.

Just making it through the week kids.

ANA Y3 D300

Day 300. We really are in the home stretch for another year, aren't we? almost 16 years ago I started this rambling ass blog. Nearly two decades of writing. Thank god for digital format. Otherwise I would have bookcases of notebooks and I would look like I belong in a serial killer movie. Luckily it's just data in the wind.

Another day alone. Didn't leave the house. It fucking snowed. Yeah, you read that right. It snowed. We had lefotover pork butt.

Finished Severance. No spoilers but DAMN. What a fantastic show! So well done. We've gotten real lucky with the shows we have watched lately. Real lucky. I think our streak is coming to an end though. Have to find something so perfect but it won't happen. Cest la vie.

We have been playing V Rising together. Really like it. Good balance of multiplayer, combat, construction, rpg. Check it out.

Meetings and the like today. Joy.

ANA Y3 D299

19 days and I get a break. I get some ME time. I understand every SAHM and WFH mom there ever was and ever shall be. We are people. We need lives outside these four walls. We need to do more than chase around a toddler, do their activities, and constantly feed them. Send help. Going down with the ship.

ANA Y3 D298

Took the dog to the groomer. Went to the grocery store. Spent too much money on everything. Broke for a week. Can't leave house. C works all weekend. Not happy.

ANA Y3 D297

I was just so exhausted yesterday after teaching. It was a draining class. One half asked a ton of questions, the other half sat like lumps. Frustrating. Luckily I am done with that group. Today's class is rescheduled due to technical issues (again) on the client side. I get a little break today.

Had chicken quesadillas for dinner. C is also exhausted. She passed out on the couch at 8. We were both in bed by 9:30.

Taking dog to groomer today finally. She needs it.

ANA Y3 D296

New phone came. Very pink. Need to tweak settings still. C came home in a bad mood. She wouldn't talk about it. Made for rough night. Taught, horrible class. Just a group of dead people. No feedback. Most not paying attention. Dislike. More of them today. Whee.

ANA Y3 D295

Was very busy yesterday. Now that I am doing other stuff I am mired in paperwork all day. At least for the next three days I get to teach and not be stuck in meeting and paperwork hell. I spent the days writing contracts, doing quotes, preparing for today, and admin work. What a pain in the ass.

Made hens for dinner. Went on our walk. Watched TV. Class starts in 3 hours. New phone coming today.

ANA Y3 D294

Closing in on another year aren't we? The time just flies by.

Made lasagne soup on Sunday and it was so good we had it again last night. Gave me horrible gas but was delicious. We did manage to go on a walk. Wrote up a contract yesterday, part of my new responsibilities. I added language that has been missing for years. Put more on what the client has to do. Charge them for cancelling. Increased the pricing by 5%. This should change things for the future greatly. Still watching Severance. I want to binge it so bad but I know I will be sad when we finish. Taking it one episode at a time. Have a new phone coming tomorrow. It's pink.

ANA Y3 D293

Made lasagne soup yesterday. One of the best soups I have ever made. We went on a 2 mile walk and almost got caught in the rain. Temp dropped and it snowed late last night. Much paperwork to deal with this week. Contract writing. Not fun.

ANA Y3 D292

I slept in a bit. But I was up until almost 1am so total hours still insufficient. I had a rough night. Head. Rain. Dog.

We finished season 1 of Severance last night. VERY good show. Strong watch. I like when a show respects and rewards my time. Really good. Made a roast. Tried to function even with my head screaming. I did a lot of work in the basement. Made it usable for the summer. We did manage to get in 1.5 miles before the rain hit.

Don't know what I am doing today.

ANA Y3 D291

Why? Why won't my head stop? It just keeps screaming. I can't fucking take it anymore. I thought I was past it? I thought I was doing better? Just want to cry. It hurts so much. Just constant fucking noise. Make it stop. Please?

ANA Y3 D290

 Went to store. Groceries. Cooked food. Had horrible meetings. Went on walk. Have to pay bills.

ANA Y3 D289

Rough day again. I am not all here. I don't want to be here any more.

ANA Y3 D288

The basement is fucked, my laptop battery is shot, I can't stop sneezing, and the world is falling apart. Other than that, I am swell gosh golly. The whole house stinks like a sewer line because the basement laundry room is backed up again and this time it just exploded with rotten food. I don't know what to do. I can't afford for them to come back out right now either. We just have to live with it. My laptop isn't a big deal until I have to go on the road again in May or June but it's still yet another thing. My company won't pay for a new one right now because I don't travel enough. They're saying figure it out. Lovely. This is my life and right now it sucks.

But I did go on a walk, I have C who loves me, and I woke up to a pupper snoot on me and when she saw I was awake kissed my face. Sigh. Why can't the world just give me a break? For real.

ANA Y3 D287

We slept with the window open last night and it was wonderful. I could breathe again. My head isn't hurting. Makes me so happy! Should be good for a few more days at least. We managed to play outside with dog, go on a walk, and breathe. Hello spring, false or not.

We started watching Severance on sunday. We watched the second episode last night. When I first saw the ads for it I didn't know what it was about. I figured another Suits or Succession type show. I couldn't have been more off base. If you haven't watched it, I strongly encourage it. The ethical and moral questions it raises are so interesting. Just two episodes in and we are hooked. Very good show.

Worked on more certifications yesterday and passed. I am good on another one until 2026. That was my morning. Afternoon was helping people and documentation. I have meetings today and that's about it. I am being summoned by the furball to play. DST doesn't affect her I can see. Oy.

ANA Y3 D286

All in all, this was a good weekend, especially yesterday. We were both home, the weather was pleasant, we got to spend time outside in the backyard, we went on a walk, I did things around the house, my head wasn't bothering me, and I made us a nice dinner. It was just a really good day. I need more like that.

ANA Y3 D285

Not only am I dealing with the jarring effect of DST, we lost power some time during the night. We woke up at 5am (per the clock so 4am) to lights coming on, noises, etc. Which of course woke up her highness. We calmed her down, turned everything off and went back to bed. Now of course I feel behind because the clock says 7:15am. Fucking hate it.If this walking cheeto does one thing useful, eliminating DST would be it.

Uneventful day. I made my own naan from scratch. Washed all the towels in the house. Cleaned. Hung out. Made butter chicken for dinner. Watched a movie after dinner. Played my game. Not a bad saturday to be fair. C is off today and I am going to try and do NOTHING. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y3 D284

We had social time last night. One of our friends came over with three bottles of wine. She ended up drinking an entire one herself. Something tells me she needed it. We split one between me and C. I made steak sandwiches, fries, pasta salad, and green beans. I also whipped up some goat cheese with honey and pine nuts. Having someone over also made me clean the house. I managed to do all this while teaching from 12-4 on top of everything. I spent the morning prepping for the afternoon class as there were technical issues to be handled. My RI has been "postponed" until May or June which is fine by me. I still think it should be remote but whatever. Don't have to worry about it for another month or two. Less for me to stress about right now. C works today but has Sunday off which will be nice. No plans for me to day except maybe some laundry.

ANA Y3 D283

One person reached out to me yesterday regarding my post. But one is enough. One is enough to know someone is reading this and that I am not just screaming into the void. One is enough to tell me that someone cares, someone is listening to me, and I am not alone. To that one person, thank you. Thank you for being there for me 17 years from when we met. I am blessed and honored to have you in my life and to share my adventure with you. You mean the world to me and I hope you know that.

Spent the day taking IBM certification tests. One more to go. What should have been a quick thing turned into all day because of an issue on their side. Fun. Made chicken fajita tacos for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

Grocery store time, then I teach today in the afternoon. Finally it be the weekend.

ANA Y3 D282

Yesterday I was asked why I have been absent and quiet in our guild. I tried to avoid the question. I tried to deflect the question. In the end, I answered:

I am about to post something and am prefacing it with this:
I don't expect or necessarily need/want replies. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I just need to get these words out. That's all this is about. If I don't get these words out, I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

Some of you may be curious as to why I have been so silent, absent, and generally not around lately. Well, I just can't keep it up any more. I can't keep up the facade of being happy or normal or wanting to exist in a world and a society that doesn't want me. One that doesn't want me to succeed or want me to know what happiness means. I can't do it. I can't engage like nothing is wrong. I can't keep plastering a smile over my face and acting like I fit into the round hole of society. I am a square peg and lately feeling like I shouldn't even bother.

I have a good friend - CIS, straight, caucasian - who tries to cheer me up. She tries to get me to see the positive in my life. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't get it. I don't hold that against her, but the words sometimes can't get through because no matter how hard she tries, she can't relate. I feel like everything I have done for the last few years has been for nothing. Every day I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve to exist. Laws being passed or proposed that exclude me from living in society. Laws made to make me feel even less of a human being than I already do. Texas is proposing yet another one but Texas isn't the only problem. They just happen to get the most publicity because the people there bang the drum the loudest and want everyone else to see how righteous they are. The truth is, there are many states silently passing laws to make sure I can't exist. As of right now, there are six states I cannot travel to for fear of imprisonment, legal issues, and even death. This is not an exaggeration. There have been stealth laws passed where if I use a restroom with a child in it that the penalty can be the death sentence.

Do you know what that does to someone's mental health? To be told you should die for using a restroom? Especially when all you want is to be part of their world. You want to blend in. You want to be ignored. You want to follow their rules. You say, let me have this surgery so I fit your societal norm. Let me have access to this medicine allowing me to be what you say is "right". Their response? NO! You're a freak! You're mentally damaged! You have no rights! You have no options other than to not exist! You must be eradicated!

I have friends being denied passports. I have friends being denied name changes. I have friends being denied surgeries and meds. I have friends who are sitting in psych wards because it got too much for them to handle. I had a meeting the other day with my CEO and I have never felt so unseen when I tried to explain to him that I might not be able to travel to a client because "people like me" are being turned away at TSA. Where "freaks like me" are being denied documentation. He thinks "it will all blow over" and "it's not that bad". Sure, it's not that bad for an upper middle class CIS hetero white guy living in California. Sure. You keep pretending that the rest of us aren't being hunted for sport.

All I want is to live my life. All I want is to not look in the bathroom mirror and hate myself. Three years I have been medically transitioning. Three years of my life where I finally stopped hiding in the shadows and admitted to myself who I really was inside. Three years where I stopped slowly killing myself with alcohol and drugs. For the first time I wanted to live. Yet, here I am again. Feeling like I made the biggest most regretful decision of my life because society doesn't want me. Because society has deemed me unworthy. "Oh but it's not everyone! We love you!" Great. You don't pass laws. You don't control the police. You don't work at the airport. You don't work at a doctor's office who can approve surgeries or meds. Your support doesn't change the world in which I have to live today.

I feel stuck. I look at my body and feel like I can't finish what I started because of everything going on around me right now. I watch my partner struggle to get a name change like she's trying to steal a baby. I want to take a knife to my body and slash the bad parts away because I don't have access to legal ways of doing it. But even then, even then, will I still be accepted? Will this world still recognize and see ME? Or will I forever be their freak on a leash?

Now, imagine you have all this in your head. Imagine you have to deal with all this and spend most days depressed, crying, and yet still have to pretend to care about your job and clients and "the bottom line". You have to do laundry and clean the house and walk the dog and cook dinner and and and. On top of all that, how can I be interactive with all of you? I already know this is going to depress some of you going through the exact same shit. I already know that some of you are going to think I am an absolute bitch for posting this. I know the world sucks. I know we're all struggling. But just because someone has it worse, it doesn't invalidate your pain or mine.

And right now, I am in pain.

So that's how I am.