ANA Y4 D36

Been up for a while. Just been doing some shit already. I did sleep in until 6:15 which was nice. I got through my meeting yesterday and am officially off for the next few days. I got one thing off my 10 item list do... no wait, two things! Only 7 left to go and I should get one to two done today. Picking up my cake today too. 

I had two friends reach out to me yesterday for different reasons. One was sharing a life update. I am so proud of how far they have come with everything. Of all the people I know, they are in the top three for people who deserve to finally be happy. The other was checking in on me. Appreciate both of them.

Sending C off to work and then doing my list of stuff. 

ANA Y4 D35

This is it. I have ONE meeting from 10-12 and then I am done for a week. I have my small list of projects. I will sleep in dammit at least one day. 

I recorded a how to video yesterday. That was good. Made brats for dinner. Made a new dessert. Functioned. 

ANA Y4 D34

It was so bad last night that it was slipping into my dreams. I went to bed at around 10 because I couldn't be awake any more. But then when I did fall asleep it was in my damn dreams. At 1:30am I took a Claritin to see if it would help. Guess what? It did. I was able to sleep at least. Not perfect but at least now I am functional. If this has all been allergy related I will stab someone in the face.

Got my templates done, got the meds, ordered my cake. Picking cake up Thursday. Made chicken caesar wraps for dinner.  Watched half of the thunderbolts. I want to like it but meh. It's just so formulaic. Same marvel junk. I will probably finish it today. I also have to record a tutorial video today. Fun stuff but almost done for the week!

ANA Y4 D33

I started in on my vacation project list yesterday. There's a couple of things on my list I can only do if C is home to keep helpers at bay. One is now done. I can't do the next one until next Sunday for the same reasons. I managed to finally finishing painting the walls in the laundry room. Next is the floors. But I can't do it with helpers. So it waits. But that's okay. I feel accomplished just getting something done. I also did her laundry, cleaned all the floors, made ahi for dinner, took the dog for a walk, and didn't let zippiedoodleitis ruin my life. Small victories people, small victories.

I only have to make 2 1/2 days this week then I am on vacation. Today's tasks included writing some templates for moodle migration, ordering my birthday cake, and picking up a scrip at the vet. Go me. 

ANA Y4 D32

You know those ads for meds that are like "don't like zepotalism stop you from living you life!"? That's how I acted yesterday. I ignored my head the best I could I just did as much as I could. Sometimes it worked, but for the most part it didn't. But I tried. I detailed my car. Like 3 hours of hand washing and cleaning. That made me happy. I installed a new cat door. I cleaned. I did laundry. I did a million little things to distract myself. At least I felt productive even if I felt like killing myself. I will go out with a clean house and clean underwear! Going to do the same today. Going to paint the laundry room. Knock out one of my vacation tasks early. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y4 D31

Had a small window of silence yesterday. Was so nice. From like 1pm on. But now it's back again. It's mild this morning but it's there. It's at a functional level right now. Let's see how the day goes.

Few more days and I am on my break. I can make it. 

ANA Y4 D30

Seriously? Can I get one day of relief? Nope. Wake up. Head scream. I am so tired of it. Pressure changes. Heat. Rain. Heat. Rain. Fuck this. Screwdriver please.

ANA Y4 D29

 Nothing to report. I mowed the lawn. Then it rained. I am like Kafka.

ANA Y4 D28

I wish that I could say I was "better" but I am not. I did actually work with a client yesterday which brought me some enjoyment. Instead of just blankly staring at a screen all day I got some interaction with other human beings. It was still hot yesterday which didn't help. Reached over 100 at one point. I still find myself pondering time zones and heat. Hear me out. Here it gets sweltering starting around 2 or 3pm. Keeps going until 9pm. I think about being back on the west coast. I think about how you would never be caught dead sitting out at the beach from 11-3 as that's the worst of it. But by six, it starts to cool down. Time zones. Yeah, this is how my brain works. We didn't eat until almost 8pm last night because we were too hot. It's supposed to break today. We shall see.

Oh and for the record, yes I bitch about the cold, I bitch about the heat. Fall. Fall is when I am happy. 

ANA Y4 D27

I was thinking about my birthday yesterday morning. I was thinking about how I cancelled my BBQ. I told everyone that it was because I didn't want to interrupt their 4th of July weekend. I casually said oh yeah, we will reschedule for later in the month. But I won't. Because the truth is, I cancelled it because I am tired of being the one who has to plan, coordinate, organize, host, cook, and clean up their own birthday party. I will be turning 57 years old. You know how many surprise parties I have had? Zero. You know how often in my adult years I have been the one to have to hype my own birthday? I didn't do it this year. I didn't "remind" people. I haven't sent out obnoxious posts saying "only xxx hours until my birthday!". Because the reality is, no one gives a fuck. No one cares about my birthday.

Of course this all tracks back to childhood trauma. I mean let's be honest, doesn't everything? For real. Remember when I said I was excited to go to Nashville solely in part because of how mundane and banal in the grand scheme of things the trip really was? This holds true for my birthday. Not once have I ever had a birthday party where neighborhood kids or classmates come over and we have a magician or a clown and stupid backyard shenanigans. Not once. Not once did I have a pizza party at Chuck E Cheese or a hotel pool party. Not fucking once. My birthdays were spent with my grandparents and parents and siblings. My birthdays were spent by myself later on. People forgot. I was Sam in 16 candles. Now I can trace part of this back to a few things. One - summer baby. So no in school party or reminders. Two, we never lived in a house or neighborhood. I didn't have neighborhood friends. We were too busy moving in the middle of the night. Lastly my grandmother. The thought of uncouth children running in her backyard was probably the thing of nightmares. Dear god the horror of screaming children having fun! What would the neighbors think! Heavens! Yeah well fuck you.

So here I am at 57 years old chasing a high I can never have. Chasing the simplicity of normal fucking birthday party. I spent so many years having to hype my own shit up because all I wanted was normalcy. I spent years looking like a desperate fool and idiot. No more. If anyone even remembers I will be amazed. But I am not going to be the one this year to reach out. I am done with it. I apologize to all of you who I pressured into treating me special on my birthday. I am sorry for my neediness. 

ANA Y4 D26

C is already up and off to work. The freezers died at her work because of the heat. What a shock. It's not even 6am and it's already 80 something outside. It's going to break 100 today. Okay got her out the door. 

I had another rough day and I just gave up. I slept for over 3 hours yesterday because I was just done. Ironically that did the trick? For the first time in days my head wasn't splitting and my ears were quiet. Still going to the doctor when I can though. I need to rule out any physical issues before I start going down the path of mental ones. Have my ears checked by a doctor, have my jaw and bite checked by the dentist. Have my eyes checked by an eye doc. If all that checks out then I work with my therapist. I will get to the bottom of this.

Made a pork butt. Watched the finals of the game. Played games. Went to bed. 

ANA Y4 D25

I sent in a request for a doctor appointment. I need to rule out anything physical before I work on mental issues. Let's see how long it takes to get in to see her. In the 90s yesterday and close to 100 today. I was going to do some stuff in the yard but have decided nope. I will stay inside and stay cool. It's 7am and already 79 out. I am not about to add heat stroke on top of everything else. Making a pork butt today at 9am. I do need to fix the sticky tape on the hallway rug today. It's sliding all over the place thanks to the idiot behind me. Other than that, low impact activities only. Just a week and a half until I am on "vacation". Woo.

ANA Y4 D24

Sigh. I wish I could say I had a decent day yesterday but I would be lying. My ears are pushing me to the point of insanity. The constant weather and pressure changes are splitting my head wide open. I need some consistency please. We go from 85 degree days to 68 and raining in minutes. It's killing me. Plus I am stressed out which isn't helping. The house needs a major cleaning and I don't have the energy to do it. It's a vicious cycle that's never ending. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know I am worrying about it which makes it worse. Because, yeah, it is all in my head. Sadly.

Went to the store. Made dinner. Worked. Washed and changed the sheets. Swept. Took dog for walk.  

ANA Y4 D23

Slept like absolute shit. Up and down all night. Ears screaming. Weather sucks. Rain. Hot. Sticky. Need a new comforter. Need to wash sheets. Off to the store. Fuck this.

ANA Y4 D22

Woke up at 3am in screaming pain from a muscle cramp in my calf. Still hurts like hell. It's been raining non-stop since yesterday morning. Massive thunderstorms all day and night. Basement has water in it. Couldn't take dog for a walk. She doesn't even want to go outside to pee. But at least it's cooled off a bit and I got paid early because of Juneteenth. Whee.

ANA Y4 D21

I forgot my phone in the other room. No charge, no alarm. I have spots in front of my eyes this morning. I don't know why. My ears are already going. It's 83 already. It's 6:10am.

ANA Y4 D20

Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nil. That's what I have to say today. I am so tired of my head. Going to shove a screwdriver in my ear later.

ANA Y4 D19

Cancelled my birthday party. Wasn't feeling it. Is what it is.

Worked in the basement prepping for when I have time off and can finish the laundry room. 16 more days and I am off. Not that it will really matter much. Nothing does. 

ANA Y4 D18

Many things:

• The kid's partner's dad died. He was younger than me. BUT he lived in a van at the beach for 15 years. Mental health issues. Obesity. DUI. Diabetes. So many things. Sad butnot unexpected.
• C's ex's dad died. Sick for a long time so also not unexpected.
• Suprise company last night. Had pizza.
• Instaled a new ceiling fan in the office. Very nice, very happy.
• Protests across the street at the library. Support the message, support the idea, bad execution at doing it right next to a residential neighborhood and not downtown. Traffic was screwed, cars all over, trash. 

Okay so not that much. Still a decent amount of things for a Saturday. 

ANA Y4 D17

Thank you dog for waking me up at 5:30am. I don't need to sleep. Nope. Ugh.

Boring day. Walked over 3 miles. Made dinner. Not much else. 

ANA Y4 D16

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys died. This one hit me hard for some reason. I think it's because of all of his struggles and how quintessential they were to the California beach life. Sounds of my childhood. Sounds of summer. Wholesome. Good. No matter how corny they were, you sang along. You smiled on the inside even if the cynical teenager in you didn't listen to that crap. We all know their music. We all know their sound. So many points in my life where there was a song that fit. Plus all of his mental health struggles and pain. He will be missed.

My new chair arrived yesterday. My ass and back are very happy. The wheels on this thing are incredible. Silent, smooth. The lumbar support is awesome. I am loving it.

Made tuna for dinner. Off to the store now.  

ANA Y4 D15

I just realized I screwed up the name of my last three posts. Fixed. Shows you where my head has been.

It got hot yesterday. Like really hot. We struggled on our 2 miles. Couldn't do more than that. Got work done. Cooked on my new grill for the fourth day in a row. Chicken thighs. Tonight is tuna. Things are calm around here for now. B's dad is going to make a recovery. They've hired on of the area's biggest injury attorneys. This is a clear cut case for sure. At least something good may come out of this. Not much else going on. Almost the weekend. Three weeks until my birthday. 

ANA Y4 D14

Some sad news from B. Her dad and his wife were on a walk with their dog and suddenly a dog charged at them. It clamped down on their dog's neck. Her dad beat it off but then it attacked him. He has been in and out of the hospital with infection that won't heal, their dog has to have it's neck stapled, and is just a mess. Scary and sad.

We went on our walk. I made cheesesteaks on the grill. We watched tv. Comparatively speaking we had a much more boring day. 

ANA Y4 D13

Had a super busy day yesterday. Took the dog to the groomers. She looks much better now. They found a couple of small mats around her butt fluff. I ordered a new brush so that doesn't happen again. Damn double coated dog. Did laundry. Cleaned up the house. Did work. Answered emails. Followed up with clients. Made fish for dinner. Watched the Austin Majors with C. Just non-stop all day. But you know what? Better that than bored, lonely, and losing my mind.

ANA Y4 D12

I'm awake. Barely. Very sleepy. Had a somewhat better day yesterday. Not great but better. C was home and that helped.We got some stuff done around the house. Used the new grill. Went on a walk. But now it's another week. Only 3 more to go and I am on vacation.

ANA Y4 D11

Yesterday was a disaster. I was up way too early. I went to the store and on my way back a guy from the water company stopped me. They were going to be doing some final work and I was going to be without water for a couple hours. This is 7am mind you. Okay that sucks but liveable. Yeah no. Some fuckup broke the water main. I was trapped in the house with no water until 5:30pm. My yard is destroyed. I couldn't do anything. All fucking day. Noise constantly. Yelling.  Machinery. During all this a friend stopped by because his phone died and he had no one else to turn to. Yes, I fixed it but it was just one thing after another yesterday. My ears are STILL screaming. Fuck this life.

ANA Y4 D10

3:50am my head is already screaming. I am sweating. We need a new comforter now. Yesterday was all over the place. Up down and everything in between. Fuck this.

ANA Y4 D9

Nothing exciting going on. Have to go out early this morning and get the car serviced. Take car of tags. Pay bills. The usual.

Spent the day working with clients and docs. Made chicken for dinner. Went on a walk. Watched tv. C did order my birthday gift. I should have a new Blackstone grill this weekend. Excited for that. Otherwise, same ol same ol. 

ANA Y4 D8

Finally found the puke. It was the dog. She ate it and all we found was the stain. Stupid idiot. It's hot finally. Plus it's raining. Horrible combination. We did manage to get a small walk in and got back just before it started. I have therapy today. Taking the car in for service tomorrow so I moved it to today. Still feel a little blah. I need a break.

ANA Y4 D7

Woke up to the sound of the cat puking at 4:15am but I can't find it anywhere. I know that sound. It's somewhere and I am going to find it later when I end up stepping in it. Lovely.

Got hot yesterday. Reached 90. We still managed to go on a walk though. Proud of us for that. Spent the day working in Moodle again. Made tacos for dinner. C is off today so she stayed up late last night. She just went to bed at 2 and I feel horrible for waking her up just now but life goes on doesn't it? My ears are screaming again for some reason. I just can't fucking win anymore. 

ANA Y4 D6

I would say I am at 97% today. Still some lingering residual but I am back in the saddle. Doing okay this morning. It's already warm. We're finally going to get some hot temps this week. I got the dog a kiddie pool and we tried with her last night. She is unsure but not afraid. I think today when it gets really hot she will appreciate it. It's going to get up to 90 today. Light clothes and time to bring out the AC unit for the office. 

Got more done with moodle yesterday. Had a long ass meeting from 3:30-5 to show my progress. More on that today. Had leftovers for dinner. Went on a good walk. Things are slowly getting better. 

ANA Y4 D5

Almost there. 95% better? Not quite 100% but almost. Throat finally not hurting. Nose still little stuffed up. C is at about 75%. She has 1-2 more days. I did push myself a little yesterday. Mowed front and back yards, did all the laundry, cleaned. But I couldn't bring myself to cook dinner. Ordered out. Had to make a concession somewhere. Otherwise nothing exciting to report. Got a week full of meetings and client work. One month to go before I am on birthday break.

ANA Y4 D4

Still not 100%. I do feel slightly better. C ended up coming home early from work. We both spent the afternoon sleeping because we felt like shit. Probably do the same today. I did get my hair done but otherwise didn't do anything. I hate being sick. My throat is still killing me. Bleh.

ANA Y4 D3

Throat still hurts. Now C is sick. I ended up sleeping half the day away yesterday. Made potatoes with chili because we had to eat. This better pass soon. Shit the dog is now awake. I have hair appointment today. Need to go shower. Ugh. This weekend is going to suck.

ANA Y4 D2

I am sick. Like sick sick. My throat is still killing me. Can't breathe. Is that what I have to look forward to as I get older? Being unable to shake off a cold? I am sure I got this from the concert. Too many people coughing and breathing in the same air. Made for a horrible day yesterday. Barely got anything done. Was absolutely in no mood to cook. C went and got us Arbys. I hope I can do a little better today. Going to take some DayQuil in a little while. Bleh.

ANA Y4 D1

We start this new year kind of in a negative. I have been up since 2:45am. Woke up with a severe sore throat. Bad enough that I was awake awake. Cephacol for the win. But now I am really awake.

Quiet day yesterday. Worked on our new LMS system, had a kickoff meeting with a client. Made stuffed chicken breasts for dinner. Went on a 1.5 mile walk interrupted by rain. Watched a little tv. Not a bad day, just a quiet one. 

ANA Y3 D365

The end of the year. Wow.

Worked late last night. But it was planned. My boss and I needed a solid block of time together that worked for both of our schedules and we ended up with 4-7pm my time. We are kicking off a couple of new projects and that was the only time where we could both be involved. We got a lot accomplished and I will be taking over from here. We have another project kicking off today at noon. Hopefully these both will generate enough revenue to keep us going for another year or two. Hopefully. Made frozen pizzas for dinner as a result. Watched tv. Went to bed. 

Anticlimatic end of year. Sorry. No great insights or revelations. 

ANA Y3 D364

Slept very weird last night. In and out of sleep all night. Too hot, too cold. Weird dreams. Dreams that made no sense. Not good.

Didn't do anything yesterday. Enjoyed my day off. Took dog for walk. Made burgers and hot dogs for dinner. Really not much to discuss as it was a pretty uneventful day.

ANA Y3 D363

Two more days and this blog year will be over. I went back and checked, it was 16 years ago yesterday I started writing. Nearly two decades of brain dumping. God I was so lonely and desperate for human connection. Not that I am immune from that now, but I know I am in a healthier place in general. I also know that my recent depression has been due to stress, my ears, and a multitude of things not within my control. Even 16 years later all I want is control over my life. Guess that's what happens when you spend your childhood with trauma? Regardless, I have survived. I have grown. I have learned how to live my best life on my own terms. Who I am now is not who I was then, is it? Not just the physical changes. Mentally as well. The biggest change of course is finally for the first time in my life being in a healthy emotionally equitable relationship. Yesterday C had lunch with her sister. They met halfway between us both. Not only did I not stress or worry, I don't really care what they talked about. If she wants to share with me, she can share with me. She told me they caught up on life and the like and that's cool. I don't feel the FOMO or exclusion I used to feel. I did my own thing while she was gone. Mostly that consisted of laundry and dishes, but there wasn't any anxiety. There wasn't any why am I not included. 

Funny enough, I have been chatting with B the last couple of days. On Friday she messaged me in the morning asking if we could talk. She was having a breakdown. Turns out she thought her car was being stolen. There was a similar car parked in front of her house and she saw someone get in and drive away. She called 911 only to realize HER car was in the driveway. She got home first that day and parked in the driveway. I let her vent, then I gently mocked her to try and lighten the mood. It worked. Now, I did ask if A was at work, basically my way of saying "Why are you calling me and not your partner?". Turns out they hadn't spoken in three days. Living as roommates. It's a big long story about shit that I don't want to get into but the bottom line is A shut down and hasn't been talking. Look I get it, I get shutting down while you process for a while, but three days? Come on. C and I have gone three hours, but not days. We talk it through. Even B and I could talk it through. I had a long conversation with B that they need to reevaluate their relationship and what they want because if they're planning on marriage this needs to be fixed NOW. This is the kind of shit I am talking about when I say I am in a healthy relationship. None of the games or stress. We have normal people stress. We have things we work through, talk through, and support each other. B ended up going to the zoo on Saturday without A because they still weren't talking. I am going to check in with her later as they had a BBQ yesterday and I am wondering how that went. Morbid curiousity I guess? Plus I know if something happens she will end up in my damn basement. Sigh.

I made a pork tenderloin for dinner last night. Apricot glaze. Came out really nice. We were both happy. When we ent to bed I told C it was an off day and she agreed saying "I never felt truly awake today". Yep. That's it. That is the perfect description. So hopefully today will feel more normal for both of us. She is off to work right now. I am going to do jack shit. It's my holiday thank you. 

Wow. This is the most I have wrote in a while. I must be feeling better?

ANA Y3 D362

Running on 4 hours sleep. More than I thought I would get. Ironically my anxiety about getting there and parking was misplaced. It took us from 11:49pm until 1:15am to get out of the garage and on to the streets for the freeway. The venue was more than able to handle the crowd, the city infrastructure was not. 9 lanes of traffic from three garages merging into one lane due to road closures and construction. Insane. We didn't get home until 2:15am after picking up the dog.

We dropped her off at 3pm, got to the garage with zero issue at 3:30. Walked over to Ford Field around 4, got our merch outside, in line at 5, doors opened at 5:40. Got inside, peed, got some beverages for the night and some food. Our seats were amazing. They gave us wristbands on entry that were synced to the light shows all night. Made the audience part of the show. Mike Dean started at 6:45, Playboi Carti around 8, The Weeknd at 9:10. He did a 2 hour plus set. Look, I didn't know a single song all night, but that was a SHOW. I haven't seen lasers like that since Floyd. Or pyrotechnics and stage production since KISS. Seriously. It was incredible. T shaped stage that came out all the way into the audience. He even walked the floor at one point. I took over 340 pictures and videos. I also made sure to where my ear plugs which saved me. I am doing okay this morning as a result. 

I need a rest, but one hell of a night.

ANA Y3 D361

It's concert night. I wish I could say I was excited. I had to prepay for our parking last night. Half a mile away for $60. Seriously. Not even at the venue. There's also a baseball game at the same time next door. It's going to be a complete madhouse down there tonight. It's also cold outside. 50 degrees with 10 mph winds is the expectation for when we're down there. Sigh.

ANA Y3 D360

Finally had a decent day yesterday. Things stabilized enough in my head I wasn't dying. Took all fucking week. Had meeting after meeting. Got stuff done. Finally went on a walk. All these things contribute to me being more functional. Just got to pay bills and get through today.

ANA Y3 D359

Almost there. I gave myself an existensial crisis last night. Just what I needed. Let's see if today is any better.

ANA Y3 D358

I am still alive. For now.

Putting on the mask and pretending it's all okay. It's what I do.

ANA Y3 D357b

I don't normally do this but if I am writing two in one day, you know something is up.

My head just won't stop. I tried taking a brief nap for my lunch break and it's no better. Instead I had a dream about fish in tanks being dead, lights not working, and my stupid stepfather. Do not look up what dead fish or fish tanks or broken light fixtures mean on dream interpretation sites. Trust me. It only reinforced the idea that my head is broken, my brain is broken, my life is stuck, and things in general suck ass.

I want to cook. I just want to cook things. I want to be in the kitchen experimenting and trying things and making stuff for the pure joy. But even now, cooking has become a chore. Get up, take dog out, stare at screen, do dishes, do laundry, make dinner, do more dishes, go to bed. Literally that's my life 6 days a week. On the 7th I get a break from staring at screen. Oh boy. It's a rut. I can't afford to go anywhere. I can't afford to do anything. Not that it would matter. C doesn't get consecutive days off. You know how fucking hard it is to schedule a life around Sunday and Wednesday off? It fucking sucks. She wants to quit. But she also hasn't taken care of her name. This isn't my fight. I took care of mine. I am not her goddamn parent. I have done everything I could. I tell her I will drive her to the court and stand by her. But I can't fill out the paperwork. I can't submit the forms. SHE has to do this on her own. But this is just one small part of my brain problems. Work. Money. Life. Dog. House. All of it keeps coming down on my head. I tried to get out of town and it was horrible. Bad bad bad. Too much effort for too little payout. Plus these other things are always hanging over me and never letting me fully experience the moment.

We have the concert this weekend. I wish I could say I was looking forward to it. I am once we're inside and sitting down. You know how this goes. My anxiety about driving there, dropping the dog off, finding parking, merch lines, food lines, finding our seats, getting out, driving home, picking the dog up. All of that for what will be 2-3 hours of distraction. Plus this is for C. I literally couldn't name a single song. The lights will be pretty but I will be sitting there the whole time. Now August's concert will be different. I know that music. Smaller venue I have been to multiple times. I know where the parking is. I know where my seats are. I KNOW THE BAND AND THE MUSIC. But can I make it until August? Fuck I don't even know if I will get through today let alone this weekend let alone three more months.

It's raining outside which isn't helping things either. I am so sick of the weather here. I want out. I need out. If I don't get out soon, there's always the shotgun in the other room...

 Problems have solutions.
A lifetime of fucking things up fixed in one determined flash. 

So much blood for such a tiny little hole.

ANA Y3 D357

Here we go again. Another day. 

My ears are still going. Two days in a row now. It's cold too which is just dumb. Four more days. Then I might have a break. We will see.

ANA Y3 D356

I was better yesterday but woke up this morning to screaming head. Why? What was different yesterday? Why today? I don't understand it. I can't put my finger on what is different each day. Driving me nuts.

Yesterday was the baby's first birthday. We took her to a nature preserve for a 3 mile walk. Made her steak and had a cake. She didn't understand all that was going on but she knew she was the center of attention.

I make it through this week and we have a concert Saturday and a holiday Monday. 

ANA Y3 D355

I have to write something.

Can't let the page be blank ever.

Can't see the forest for the trees any more.

Almost jabbed a knife in my own leg in the kitchen last night because why not?

ANA Y3 D354

C has a really rough day yesterday. Her other cat that she left with her mom (because it is technically hers) had to be put down yesterday. He was 18 and C had him since a kitten. They spent nearly two decades together. It was rough on her to say the least. I know this feeling. I felt like that with Beep. A companiion of so long gone in a flash. She was a wreck all day.

Worked on stuff. Made cheesesteaks for dinner. Watched some TV. Went on our daily walk.

ANA Y3 D353

Rough night. Around 1:30am the sky opened up with tremendous thunder and lightning. Shook the whole house and you would have thought it was daytime. All of us were awake until 2:30am because of it. I did fall back to sleep until 5:30 but had weird ass dreams. Waterparks, houses connected to spas, weird shit.

Got my class uploaded to Udemy yesterday. Now out in the free world. Scary. Made chicken for dinner. Watched some tv. Played some games. Got to go pick up a cake for Sandy. Her one year birthday is Sunday. 9 months since we got here. The longest I have had a dog of my own. 

Just make it through the day...

ANA Y3 D352

Getting close now.

Got quite a bit done yesterday. We're doing a trial run of putting some of our material on Udemy to create a passive income stream by reaching a wider audience with our material. I spent yesterday doing conversions of our existing material to their format. Turned out to be easier than we imagined. Not easy just easier. I have more to do today.

Went on our walk. Made grilled swordfish burritos for dinner. A pretty decent day.

ANA Y3 D351

Another day. I need to find an ENT. I don't care what my PCP says, something is wrong with my ears. Driving me nuts.

Worked on classes. More of the same today. Made chicken for dinner. Short walk because of weather. Drizzling all day.

Not much else.

ANA Y3 D350

Two weeks and we start another year. Jesus. 2009. That's when I started this. 16 years ago. An entire life it feels. How many lives have I led in the almost two decades since I started all this? How many people have I been? How much have I done? How much have I seen? I've loved. I've lost. I went down one path just to go down another. 16 years. 

Spent the day doing class stuff, had a meeting, dealt with the some prep work for a new client. Didn't want to cook so we ordered take out from a local place. Was good. Watched tv. Played games together. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D349

Another week. Are we ready for it? I'm not. Another week of pushing paper, being stressed out, staying in the house. Oh joy.

Didn't do much of anything. Went on 3 mile walk. Played outside. Played video games. Watched some tv. Had leftovers for dinner.

ANA Y3 D348

Happy Mother's Day to those who celebrate.

I woke up from the shittiest dream this morning. I was back in an office. Had a team. Had no clue what I was doing. Felt useless. Gee, wonder what that means/

Boring day. Went on a 3 mile walk. Orderd pizza late. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D347

Saturday. Thank god. I need a day where I no thinkie. Made lamb ribs last night. A little fatty but otherwise good. Not much of anything else. 3 mile walk. Played outside.

ANA Y3 D346

We have a new Pope and he's American. There's something I never thought I would see in my life. I don't know how I feel about this. I fear it being used by the wrong people to justify their actions.

My ears are already going. This needs to stop. I wish I could live off the disability and that's something I thought I would never say in my life.

Time to pay bills and go to the store.

ANA Y3 D345

It was really nice yesterday. Nice enough we took two walks. C was off and we took advantage. I finished my new class around 10am, we went on our first walk around 2pm, our second at 8pm. Got in almost 7 miles yesterday. Made fish and chips for dinner. Finally a decent day.

ANA Y3 D344

Yesterday was so bad. I broke down crying at one point. I couldn't even see. These are my equivalents of people who have migraines and just shut down. Except they have imotrex. I have nothing. I had to get a ton of demos done. I am down to three. I will get them done this morning and can put this new class to bed. I worked from 6:30 to 4 yesterday trying to finish. Then we went on a walk. Made tacos for dinner. Please dear god, let me have a break today?

ANA Y3 D343

ARGH! The weather CHANGED AGAIN. It's raining. It sucks. My head.

Worked. Ate. Walked. Slept.

ANA Y3 D342

I am so tired of greed and ads and algorithms and suggestions. If these damn companies 20 years ago had just said "it's $20 a year to use our product" we would have bitched but we would have used it. But then they wouldn't be making "continual revenue growth!" or some stupid shit. Greed. It's all about fucking greed.

Rained all goddamn day yesterday. Couldn't do shit outside the house. Didn't want to cook for dinner so we went to Arby's. I made brats on the grill in the rain for lunch. We were so 'midwest' yesterday. We watched "sports" and ate grilled food. Ridiculous.

Another fucking week of doing shit I don't want to do about shit I don't care about. Yay.

ANA Y3 D341

Weather changed AGAIN ears going crazy. Argh. Getting real tired of this.

Had a decent day. Went to the grocery store, had my hair done, cooked a pork butt in the slow cooker. Had friend over to share said pork butt. Played some games, watched some games, cleaned the house, did dishes. Not bad.

ANA Y3 D340

Finally got my APRIL expense check. Ugh. Everyone is now paid. Fucking delay. But it's done.

Did more paperwork yesterday. Sat through meetings. Mowed the front lawn. Went on a walk. Made salmon for dinner.

Hair appointment today. Just started a pork butt.

ANA Y3 D339

 Nothing exciting going on. Another day another day. Yep.

ANA Y3 D338

Welcome to May of 2025. The world is in a state of who knows what. It's raining outside. One cross each, first door on the left.

I still haven't received my expense check for April. It's May. I am not happy. You want me to work? Then pay me. Ass gas or grass no one rides for free. Didn't have it in me to cook last night. We had a hodge podge of leftovers. It was food. It was sustenance. Not much more than that. I am tired, frustrated, annoyed. 

ANA Y3 D337

My ears won't shut up. I am stressed out and the weather is messing with me and it's wreaking havoc on my head. I haven't gotten this month's expense check and today is the last day. I have shit to pay with that money. I am so fucked.

ANA Y3 D336

Was so hot last night. We need a new comforter. My friend suggested down. We are going to look into that. 

Worked on new material yesterday. 32 demos in this new class. Got about 11 done. Another 10 today and finish on Wednesday. Went for a walk. Made hens, played outside. Good day.

ANA Y3 D335

Thirty more days and we start a new year. Wow. You know how many years I have been writing this thing? 16. Almost an entire adult. That's crazy. Not a single day missed either. I know some days are less descriptive than others, but still.

As expected we didn't do much of anything yesterday. Three mile walk was the big thing we did. We watched the ESL grand finals because C wanted to. I have never watched anything like that before and found myself getting into it. Scary. But it was fun to share in something new like that. We BBQ'd burgers and spent time out in the yard. All in all it was a good day.

ANA Y3 D334

Yesterday was wonderful. The exact opposite of Nashville. We had a fantastic time doing stuff, walked over 7 miles, and my ears didn't bug me once! Wish I could say the same for this morning. Yesterday we had the air on in the house, this morning the heat. I blame my ears right now on that. 

I got to my friend's house at 7am, we spent some time getting Sandy situated and went over some rules with her daughter who was watching her. Nothing major. This was the first time she was away from us like that and I wanted to make sure everything was cool. She has never been in a yard free range and I wanted her to make sure there was no digging under a fence or anything. We were in the car by 7:15am and on our way!

When we rolled into town we saw a larger number of cars than expected. Turns out the university was having graduation. But the thing is? Never once during the day was it an issue. Even with the extra people in town we never felt crowded or stressed out. We had breakfast, went to the museum, made our own perfumes, walked around, did wine tasting, more walking, had ramen, and came home. Everything felt right and comfortable. I couldn't have asked for a better day. We were home by 6:30pm and the doggo was fine. Picture perfect.

Not sure what's the plan for today. Looks cloudy out but might get some yardwork in.

ANA Y3 D333

Off to Grand Rapids today! Hopefully it will not be a repeat of Nashville. I talked it through with my therapist yesterday and she reassured me of all the differences. I feel better. Still anxious but better. Boring day. Finished a new class. Played outside. Mowed the lawn. Made a chicekn pasta dish for dinner. Time to shower!

ANA Y3 D332

Had the most intense dream last night. Aliens, sentient AI, suicide, time travel, happiness. So out there I don't know what to make of it.

Worked on stuff, took dog for walk, made ahi burgers, watched tv. Nothing exciting. Bills, therapy, life today.

ANA Y3 D331

I finally got a doctor's appointment. Next Tuesday. I took the appointment for a couple reasons. One I worked hard to get it and two even if things are feeling better, I can make sure I am healing well. Not happy it took so damn long but whatever. Slept in this morning. Both of us feel like we're not getting enough sleep. Don't know why to be honest. I have to get up early the next couple of days and I took advantage of today. 

Did mostly paperwork yesterday with a couple of meetings thrown in. We are migrating our LMS system starting May 1st and we're in the planning stages right now. This will be my main focus in May. Roll it out to customers in June. Keeps me busy. We also landed a $350k gig for the company this week which helps. Not enough to keep us going long term, but keeps the lights on.

B came over last night to pick up something and doggo got to meet their doggo. Went quite well. They both got along and had a fun time. I feel more confident about her being around other dog on Saturday now. C wasn't feeling well last night and I made her grilled cheese and soup. I had leftovers. We watched some tv, played some video games, went to bed.

Nothing exciting planned for today. Laundry and grocery store while working.

ANA Y3 D330

My ears are going squish squish, my toothbrush died, and I still can't breathe out of my left nostril. Welcome to my world. Nothing of any real note happened. The world still sucks. The pope is dead thanks to Cringe Lord, and I am fed up with everything. Had a weird dream that made no sense. Made sloppy joes. I am done.

ANA Y3 D329

I didn't get into the doctor yesterday. Right ear is worse. Almost went to urgent care but decided to stick it out one more day. The price difference isn't worth it. Last time I went to urgent care for this shit it cost me $150. I go to my regular doctor it will be $25. Hopefully I will hear from them today. 

Did take it easy yesterday to try and relieve the pain in my head. My right ear is squish squish right now. Hard to focus on anything else. Made salmon with udon last night.

ANA Y3 D328

Ear infection, right ear. Throbbing. Pain. Sent doctor appointment request last night. Hope to hear back from them this morning. Need ear drops. I could feel it coming all day yesterday. Hurting in my jaw, making me cranky. I know my ear holes. I know when they need the meds.

Made my roast, came out nice. Was very happy but sadly had little appetite all day. Didn't have energy to do much around the house either. Weather was false sun. You'd go outside thinking it was warm and nope. Today is supposed to be nicer. Let's see if it is. 

3 more hours before I would hear anything from my doctor at the earliest.

ANA Y3 D327

Happy Lich King Day.

Went to the store already. Doing a roast for tonight and needed the veggies.

Cleaned house. Watched Wrestlemania. Not much else.

ANA Y3 D326

Had a rough night. Got up at 12:30am took NyQuil and had to turn on the AC. Time to switch to a lighter blanket. Day was pretty good. Had a few meetings, had some outside time, went on a walk. Friend came over to watch a movie and he brought root beer float fixings. Was a nice night. 

Raining right now so nothing immediately planned other than house cleaning.

ANA Y3 D325

Finally coming out of this cold. I can breathe out my left nostril finally. Hurray! My throat is still a little sore. But overall I am recovering. Nothing exciting here. Made fried chicken sandwiches for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed early to get the rest. Weather is finally going to be nice today. I see a walk in our future!

ANA Y3 D324

One of my actual friends reached out to me yesterday to see how I was holding up from everything. I will tell you all the same thing I told her, after having a couple days to reflect on everything, I get it. We are fundamentally different people. But you know what? That's okay. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is. I tried to fit into a world that isn't right for me. That doesn't mean I am broken or something is wrong with me. We have different life experiences that have shaped us to be different people. Online we shared enough high level interests that we were able to have a friendship. In practice, we approach life from two different places and don't mesh. I identified four instances from Saturday that highlighted this. Technically I did suggest breaking and entering twice, I stole silverware, and I tried to get us on a tour bus. Taken individually these things wouldn't seem so bad but to all happen in a 13 hour window? Sure I get it. Your moral compass doesn't align with mine. Now to be fair, C would have been on board with at least three of those activities. She hates when I steal silverware too but finds it endearing not horrible person level. There were other little things too that came out that showcased our differences. I would wander off while we were at museums. I also felt judged about my choices in purchases. Things I looked at were deemed "clutter" where as for her the things she looked at were fine. Nope. Let it be a lesson learned and let's move forward. But to my friend who reached out - thank you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

I did in fact take a sick day yesterday. Got a good midday block of sleep in. Not 100% but feel better. Throat is still scratchy and nose stopped up. But I will get through by the weekend I am hoping. No plans for this weekend so I will get rest in. I did do laundry yesterday and made chicken fried rice for dinner. I may be sick but my pack needs to eat! 

More paperwork today. Whee!

ANA Y3 D323

I am still stinging from what went down. To go from talking to someone nearly every day to nothing has been rough. Add to everything I am really sick. Achy, sneezing, stopped up nose, the works. I am taking an actual sick day today and going to park my ass on the couch. Watch bad tv and do nothing guilt free. 

I did mostly paperwork and research yesterday. Of course I also rehashed the whole weekend in my head a 1000 times. Meh. I have to accept I will never fit in.

ANA Y3 D322

I am posting today with a heavy heart. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true. My "friend" has decided that after spending two days with me that we are "fundamentally different people and it's best that moving forward we maintain a professional relationship only". Basically I got friend broken up with yesterday. That hurts. A lot. I am not going to lie. I guess for the last year that we've known each other, being online friends was at just the right level of surface stuff that it worked, but being in person changed the dynamic. I don't know what she means by "fundamentally different people" but at the same time I do. We're at different life stages, different attitudes towards things, different value and belief systems. Much of which rose to the surface. I know I can be challenging to be around in person. I get it. I was just hoping to know what it was like to just be "normal" I guess? To have a mundane regular friendship with someone? All this does is show me that no matter what I do I will never fit in with the standard straight CIS woman experience. For example she was more getting into all the bachelorette parties going on around us and a couple of times about things she said "oh come on, we all went through that phase of xyz". Well no, we all didn't go through that phase. I wish I had, but I didn't. She's a standard Catholic girl with a loving family, a husband, who talks to her parents every day. Me? I'm a recluse who hates noise and people. Part of me wants to be that kind of person who spends their weekends working on home projects with their spouse and having dinners with the parents and all those regular old things. But it will never happen. I will also be the trauma influenced tranny desperately looking to make a connection. We have very different attitudes towards money, morals, ethics, etc and again, it all came to the surface being together like we were. I tried my best to be just a regular person, but I never will be. So yeah this hurts.

ANA Y3 D321

Two day update:

We got up early Saturday morning as planned. I was up at 4,  woke my friend up at 6. We went and had some really good pancakes. It was nice being up and out that early. The city felt so much different at that time of day. Much like Vegas in the early morning. All weekend I kept flashing back to Vegas. Nashville truly is the redneck Vegas. As I look back on the weekend I see how much everything in that area is about being drunk and spending money. We saw people already drunk by 10am both days. At 9, we went to the Hall of Fame. VERY cool. Saw some really fun and neat things. Then we went to Hattie B's for chicken. Long ass line, again, booze being poured everywhere. Even though we waited in line, the food delivered. Worth the wait and I don't say that often. We then went to the Gibson garage where LS Dunes happened to be doing a meet and greet. We just stumbled on that. Did some shopping then back to the hotel for a quick honk shoo. From there dinner. Dinner was good but not incredible. Definitely good though. Around 9pm we both decided it was time to head home.

Drove all night. The last two hours were rough. Got home around 6am and crashed for 2 hours. I realized midday I was getting a cold. Got everything unpacked and had a quiet day with C. We had dinner, watched TV, and I went to bed around 10 to try and sleep off the cold. Feeling better this morning but not 100%. 

Not sure what's on the calendar this week. 

ANA Y3 D320

I am home in one piece. More tomorrow.

ANA Y3 D319

I am here and having the time of my life. I was in the car as planned by 5:30. With a couple of stops to pee and get gas, I got here around 1pm. My friend arrived no more than 10 minutes after me. It was perfect. They luckily had a room ready for us. We are on the top floor overlooking all of downtown Nashville. I am typing this on the new laptop and am not used to the keyboard yet. Forgive typos today.

We got unpacked and hit the town. We went to the Johnny Cash museum, had BBQ, had milkshakes, end up in honky tonk lane, saw so many people and so many sights. We were back at the hotel by 9, passed out at 10.

Off to breakfast in a couple hours then the country music hall of fame awaits!!

ANA Y3 D318

I am up at soon I will be in the car headed to TN BABY! WOO! I am so excited for this trip it's not even funny. Got my hair and nails done yesterday. Cleaned the house for C. OMG I need this so bad.

ANA Y3 D317

There is snow covering the ground out there. Seriously. It started around 9pm last night. I give up.

I neded up buying a new laptop last night. I should be more excited but it really was a utilitarian purchase not an emotional one. My 7 year old laptop is struggling. I have mentioned this before. Battery issues, drive issues. I have been watching Microcenter for sales. Yesterday a $2000 Omen was on sale for $1100. With all the tarriff bullshit going down I had to make the hard decision of buy or not. I knew I would kick myself in the ass if six months from now the old one died on the road and a new one set me back $3000. I bit the bullet and bought it.

More holes in my yard. All day construction. In less than 24 hours I will be enroute to TN. I can survive another 24 hours. I have to.

ANA Y3 D316

I was right, sort of. First off, I spelled nicked wrong yesterday. Sue me. So at 5:30 in the morning I was looking up phone numbers, waking people up, being frantic thinking my house was flooding. Nope. These morons ended up leaving something exposed that they shouldn't have and froze the pipe leading into the house. Poor C had to call in because she couldn't get ready for work. I was unable to shower all day. I brushed my teeth with water from my water bottle. I need out of here. Friday cannot come soon enough. Then once they got water flowing again, because they had messed with the pipes so much we had mud in the line. I had to flush the entire system. It was insane. At the end of the day they had crews in my yard until 6pm digging a second hole, covering the first, and blocking us in until almost 7pm. Fall 2025 this will all be complete. God help us.

In other news the world is still falling apart, people are pissed off, and who knows if we will make it to fall. Joy.

ANA Y3 D315

We have no water this morning. Was working fine at 11pm. I have been running around the house looking for leaks, making emergency phone calls, nothing. I have no idea what is going on. I have been on the phone, waking people up, checking every inch of the house, no sound of water, no signs of water. It has to be outside. The gas people dug a hole in my yard last night and I have a feeling they knicked something. I will know more in an hour or so. This is fucking crazy.

ANA Y3 D314

Another week. It wasn't a bad day yesterday. Nothing exciting but not bad either. Made mexican combo platters for dinner. Washed sheets. Cleaned house. 4 days and I am OUT OF HERE. Making it through the week, just making it through the week.

ANA Y3 D313

Guess what? It's going to SNOW this week. So done with this.

The world is falling apart by the way. I am so done with everything. Just done.

ANA Y3 D312

My ears are bugging me today. Weather changed AGAIN. Going to be in the 40s today. The gas people are right next door with their hole digging. We get a few more days reprieve before they start digging up my yard. But next week I will have a hole. Just have to survive a few more days before I can leave. Taught all day. Finished around 5:30. Made food. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D311

It's always something isn't it? The toilet backed up, had to get a new plunger, fixed that, taught all day, made dinner, cleaned up the house did this did that. My emotional labor is through the roof. Don't get a break. Never get a break.

ANA Y3 D310

It was nowhere near the severity they predicted. What a shock, eh? We did get some heavy rain. I had friends with tornados miles from their houses but here? Meh. Still under a flood watch but it's not doing much of anything. The dog spent the day barking at thunder. Lights flickered a couple of times but that was it. Teach the next two days. Then it's weekend. Only 8 days until I am out of here!

ANA Y3 D309

We are under a severe flood watch from rain and snow all day. Going to start any minute and go until this time tomorrow. There goes my basement.

Boring day. Worked on admin stuff, made tuna for dinner. Watched some TV, went to bed.

ANA Y3 D308

Slept like absolute shit last night. We went to bed at 10, I tossed and turned until after midnight, woke up again at 3, woke up at 5:20 to my alarm, fell back to sleep until 6. It's freezing outside. My ears are killing me.

Did some analytics work yesterday. Compiled data from contracts and showed it's not worth it for us to change one of our providers for work. Got to build a dashboard and everything. You know, the stuff I teach other people how to do. Make coconut chicken for dinner. Played V rising. A lot of it. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D307

We got caught in a HUGE thunderstorm last night. All day the sky was grey and nasty but it was warm. Around 6:30 we chanced it and went for a walk. Every device in our house said it wouldn't start raining until 8pm at the earliest. Yeah, they lied. 7:30pm BOOM. We were so close to being back home. Like less than a quarter mile. The sky ripped open and deluged us. We were soaked from head to toe. Ended up having to come back inside and give the poor dog a rinse down, strip all of our clothes off, etc. But you know what? It was kind of fun. Just a silly little moment. I need those.

The day itself was uneventful. We had a good quiet sunday playing video games and hanging around the house. I made ribs for dinner. We watched a little tv. We got our 2 miles in. A successful day in my mind. I teach this week. I am down to just 12 days before I get my holiday. So close.

ANA Y3 D306

Made a cake, made steaks, tried to take a break. Ears in pain not again. Why me? Can't you see?

Okay I am done. That was just me being silly. It was an okay day. I was very lonely to be honest. Just dragged. Grey and rainy outside all day which sucked. Did some cleaning. Waited for C to get home basically.

ANA Y3 D305

My head is going this morning. Don't know why. Maybe because I am just stressed out from life. Maybe I will never shake this again. Maybe I am forever fucked in the head. No, not maybe. 

Went to B's house last night. She hemmed a jumpsuit for me. It was nice being out of the house even if it was just over there. Was gone for three hours. Longest I have been out of the house for a while. Felt weird. By the time I got home C was already falling asleep. That's my life.

ANA Y3 D304

Bills are tight this pay period. It's a weird one. Falls in a weird place. I am going to be barely making it for the next two weeks. Fuck me.

ANA Y3 D303

I felt pulled in six different directions yesterday. Now that I am doing more varied things at work I have more people asking for my help on stuff. It was all over the place yesterday. Annoying. We seemed to have lost power some time during the night. Need to restart things. Lovely. Going to the store this morning to get it out of the way. Still eating pork butt. Last of it tonight. 11 meals from $13. Not bad. I can handle that. Thoughts all over this morning. Need more sleep.

ANA Y3 D302

So tired. So sleepy. Head splitting. 29 degrees outside. Frost and light snow on the ground. So done with this. It's lasting longer this year, I swear.

Waited for stuff to be done yesterday. Didn't finish until 9:30pm so now I have to scramble this morning and get a bunch of stuff done before noon. I can do it. Made chicken for dinner. Tonight is salmon.

Did I mention I got my tax bill? $6000 this year. Yeah. You read that right. I owe 6 thousand dollars. Fuck the IRS. Fuck taxes. Fuck this world. Can't squeeze water from a rock no matter how hard you try.

ANA Y3 D301

Another Monday in the books. Anothe day down. I worked on some prep for an upcoming class. Our friend came over for dinner. She's going through it with her daughter. The daughter is boy crazy and not making the best decisions. It's a mess. She needed a break and came over to hang with us. Very nice time socializing and eating more pork butt. Only 2 lbs left. Whee.

Just making it through the week kids.

ANA Y3 D300

Day 300. We really are in the home stretch for another year, aren't we? almost 16 years ago I started this rambling ass blog. Nearly two decades of writing. Thank god for digital format. Otherwise I would have bookcases of notebooks and I would look like I belong in a serial killer movie. Luckily it's just data in the wind.

Another day alone. Didn't leave the house. It fucking snowed. Yeah, you read that right. It snowed. We had lefotover pork butt.

Finished Severance. No spoilers but DAMN. What a fantastic show! So well done. We've gotten real lucky with the shows we have watched lately. Real lucky. I think our streak is coming to an end though. Have to find something so perfect but it won't happen. Cest la vie.

We have been playing V Rising together. Really like it. Good balance of multiplayer, combat, construction, rpg. Check it out.

Meetings and the like today. Joy.

ANA Y3 D299

19 days and I get a break. I get some ME time. I understand every SAHM and WFH mom there ever was and ever shall be. We are people. We need lives outside these four walls. We need to do more than chase around a toddler, do their activities, and constantly feed them. Send help. Going down with the ship.

ANA Y3 D298

Took the dog to the groomer. Went to the grocery store. Spent too much money on everything. Broke for a week. Can't leave house. C works all weekend. Not happy.

ANA Y3 D297

I was just so exhausted yesterday after teaching. It was a draining class. One half asked a ton of questions, the other half sat like lumps. Frustrating. Luckily I am done with that group. Today's class is rescheduled due to technical issues (again) on the client side. I get a little break today.

Had chicken quesadillas for dinner. C is also exhausted. She passed out on the couch at 8. We were both in bed by 9:30.

Taking dog to groomer today finally. She needs it.

ANA Y3 D296

New phone came. Very pink. Need to tweak settings still. C came home in a bad mood. She wouldn't talk about it. Made for rough night. Taught, horrible class. Just a group of dead people. No feedback. Most not paying attention. Dislike. More of them today. Whee.

ANA Y3 D295

Was very busy yesterday. Now that I am doing other stuff I am mired in paperwork all day. At least for the next three days I get to teach and not be stuck in meeting and paperwork hell. I spent the days writing contracts, doing quotes, preparing for today, and admin work. What a pain in the ass.

Made hens for dinner. Went on our walk. Watched TV. Class starts in 3 hours. New phone coming today.

ANA Y3 D294

Closing in on another year aren't we? The time just flies by.

Made lasagne soup on Sunday and it was so good we had it again last night. Gave me horrible gas but was delicious. We did manage to go on a walk. Wrote up a contract yesterday, part of my new responsibilities. I added language that has been missing for years. Put more on what the client has to do. Charge them for cancelling. Increased the pricing by 5%. This should change things for the future greatly. Still watching Severance. I want to binge it so bad but I know I will be sad when we finish. Taking it one episode at a time. Have a new phone coming tomorrow. It's pink.

ANA Y3 D293

Made lasagne soup yesterday. One of the best soups I have ever made. We went on a 2 mile walk and almost got caught in the rain. Temp dropped and it snowed late last night. Much paperwork to deal with this week. Contract writing. Not fun.

ANA Y3 D292

I slept in a bit. But I was up until almost 1am so total hours still insufficient. I had a rough night. Head. Rain. Dog.

We finished season 1 of Severance last night. VERY good show. Strong watch. I like when a show respects and rewards my time. Really good. Made a roast. Tried to function even with my head screaming. I did a lot of work in the basement. Made it usable for the summer. We did manage to get in 1.5 miles before the rain hit.

Don't know what I am doing today.

ANA Y3 D291

Why? Why won't my head stop? It just keeps screaming. I can't fucking take it anymore. I thought I was past it? I thought I was doing better? Just want to cry. It hurts so much. Just constant fucking noise. Make it stop. Please?

ANA Y3 D290

 Went to store. Groceries. Cooked food. Had horrible meetings. Went on walk. Have to pay bills.

ANA Y3 D289

Rough day again. I am not all here. I don't want to be here any more.

ANA Y3 D288

The basement is fucked, my laptop battery is shot, I can't stop sneezing, and the world is falling apart. Other than that, I am swell gosh golly. The whole house stinks like a sewer line because the basement laundry room is backed up again and this time it just exploded with rotten food. I don't know what to do. I can't afford for them to come back out right now either. We just have to live with it. My laptop isn't a big deal until I have to go on the road again in May or June but it's still yet another thing. My company won't pay for a new one right now because I don't travel enough. They're saying figure it out. Lovely. This is my life and right now it sucks.

But I did go on a walk, I have C who loves me, and I woke up to a pupper snoot on me and when she saw I was awake kissed my face. Sigh. Why can't the world just give me a break? For real.

ANA Y3 D287

We slept with the window open last night and it was wonderful. I could breathe again. My head isn't hurting. Makes me so happy! Should be good for a few more days at least. We managed to play outside with dog, go on a walk, and breathe. Hello spring, false or not.

We started watching Severance on sunday. We watched the second episode last night. When I first saw the ads for it I didn't know what it was about. I figured another Suits or Succession type show. I couldn't have been more off base. If you haven't watched it, I strongly encourage it. The ethical and moral questions it raises are so interesting. Just two episodes in and we are hooked. Very good show.

Worked on more certifications yesterday and passed. I am good on another one until 2026. That was my morning. Afternoon was helping people and documentation. I have meetings today and that's about it. I am being summoned by the furball to play. DST doesn't affect her I can see. Oy.

ANA Y3 D286

All in all, this was a good weekend, especially yesterday. We were both home, the weather was pleasant, we got to spend time outside in the backyard, we went on a walk, I did things around the house, my head wasn't bothering me, and I made us a nice dinner. It was just a really good day. I need more like that.

ANA Y3 D285

Not only am I dealing with the jarring effect of DST, we lost power some time during the night. We woke up at 5am (per the clock so 4am) to lights coming on, noises, etc. Which of course woke up her highness. We calmed her down, turned everything off and went back to bed. Now of course I feel behind because the clock says 7:15am. Fucking hate it.If this walking cheeto does one thing useful, eliminating DST would be it.

Uneventful day. I made my own naan from scratch. Washed all the towels in the house. Cleaned. Hung out. Made butter chicken for dinner. Watched a movie after dinner. Played my game. Not a bad saturday to be fair. C is off today and I am going to try and do NOTHING. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y3 D284

We had social time last night. One of our friends came over with three bottles of wine. She ended up drinking an entire one herself. Something tells me she needed it. We split one between me and C. I made steak sandwiches, fries, pasta salad, and green beans. I also whipped up some goat cheese with honey and pine nuts. Having someone over also made me clean the house. I managed to do all this while teaching from 12-4 on top of everything. I spent the morning prepping for the afternoon class as there were technical issues to be handled. My RI has been "postponed" until May or June which is fine by me. I still think it should be remote but whatever. Don't have to worry about it for another month or two. Less for me to stress about right now. C works today but has Sunday off which will be nice. No plans for me to day except maybe some laundry.

ANA Y3 D283

One person reached out to me yesterday regarding my post. But one is enough. One is enough to know someone is reading this and that I am not just screaming into the void. One is enough to tell me that someone cares, someone is listening to me, and I am not alone. To that one person, thank you. Thank you for being there for me 17 years from when we met. I am blessed and honored to have you in my life and to share my adventure with you. You mean the world to me and I hope you know that.

Spent the day taking IBM certification tests. One more to go. What should have been a quick thing turned into all day because of an issue on their side. Fun. Made chicken fajita tacos for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

Grocery store time, then I teach today in the afternoon. Finally it be the weekend.

ANA Y3 D282

Yesterday I was asked why I have been absent and quiet in our guild. I tried to avoid the question. I tried to deflect the question. In the end, I answered:

I am about to post something and am prefacing it with this:
I don't expect or necessarily need/want replies. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I just need to get these words out. That's all this is about. If I don't get these words out, I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

Some of you may be curious as to why I have been so silent, absent, and generally not around lately. Well, I just can't keep it up any more. I can't keep up the facade of being happy or normal or wanting to exist in a world and a society that doesn't want me. One that doesn't want me to succeed or want me to know what happiness means. I can't do it. I can't engage like nothing is wrong. I can't keep plastering a smile over my face and acting like I fit into the round hole of society. I am a square peg and lately feeling like I shouldn't even bother.

I have a good friend - CIS, straight, caucasian - who tries to cheer me up. She tries to get me to see the positive in my life. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't get it. I don't hold that against her, but the words sometimes can't get through because no matter how hard she tries, she can't relate. I feel like everything I have done for the last few years has been for nothing. Every day I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve to exist. Laws being passed or proposed that exclude me from living in society. Laws made to make me feel even less of a human being than I already do. Texas is proposing yet another one but Texas isn't the only problem. They just happen to get the most publicity because the people there bang the drum the loudest and want everyone else to see how righteous they are. The truth is, there are many states silently passing laws to make sure I can't exist. As of right now, there are six states I cannot travel to for fear of imprisonment, legal issues, and even death. This is not an exaggeration. There have been stealth laws passed where if I use a restroom with a child in it that the penalty can be the death sentence.

Do you know what that does to someone's mental health? To be told you should die for using a restroom? Especially when all you want is to be part of their world. You want to blend in. You want to be ignored. You want to follow their rules. You say, let me have this surgery so I fit your societal norm. Let me have access to this medicine allowing me to be what you say is "right". Their response? NO! You're a freak! You're mentally damaged! You have no rights! You have no options other than to not exist! You must be eradicated!

I have friends being denied passports. I have friends being denied name changes. I have friends being denied surgeries and meds. I have friends who are sitting in psych wards because it got too much for them to handle. I had a meeting the other day with my CEO and I have never felt so unseen when I tried to explain to him that I might not be able to travel to a client because "people like me" are being turned away at TSA. Where "freaks like me" are being denied documentation. He thinks "it will all blow over" and "it's not that bad". Sure, it's not that bad for an upper middle class CIS hetero white guy living in California. Sure. You keep pretending that the rest of us aren't being hunted for sport.

All I want is to live my life. All I want is to not look in the bathroom mirror and hate myself. Three years I have been medically transitioning. Three years of my life where I finally stopped hiding in the shadows and admitted to myself who I really was inside. Three years where I stopped slowly killing myself with alcohol and drugs. For the first time I wanted to live. Yet, here I am again. Feeling like I made the biggest most regretful decision of my life because society doesn't want me. Because society has deemed me unworthy. "Oh but it's not everyone! We love you!" Great. You don't pass laws. You don't control the police. You don't work at the airport. You don't work at a doctor's office who can approve surgeries or meds. Your support doesn't change the world in which I have to live today.

I feel stuck. I look at my body and feel like I can't finish what I started because of everything going on around me right now. I watch my partner struggle to get a name change like she's trying to steal a baby. I want to take a knife to my body and slash the bad parts away because I don't have access to legal ways of doing it. But even then, even then, will I still be accepted? Will this world still recognize and see ME? Or will I forever be their freak on a leash?

Now, imagine you have all this in your head. Imagine you have to deal with all this and spend most days depressed, crying, and yet still have to pretend to care about your job and clients and "the bottom line". You have to do laundry and clean the house and walk the dog and cook dinner and and and. On top of all that, how can I be interactive with all of you? I already know this is going to depress some of you going through the exact same shit. I already know that some of you are going to think I am an absolute bitch for posting this. I know the world sucks. I know we're all struggling. But just because someone has it worse, it doesn't invalidate your pain or mine.

And right now, I am in pain.

So that's how I am.

ANA Y3 D281

We managed to go a full 3.1 miles last night on our walk. We didn't think we would because rain was looming over us the whole time. It rained most of the day but we found a window and got our butts out there. All of us feel better when we are able to walk. We felt a few drops as we were in the home stretch but we made it thankfully.

Didn't feel like cooking last night and I ended up making us grilled cheese and soup. 3rd grader dinner but it's what we needed. It was grey and nasty all day so comfort food was appropriate. The weather made me all blah day on top of everything else. 

Need to take some certifications today but not like the MS ones. Simple ones for Cognos where we can take as many times as desired and we will have cheat sheets. More of a paperwork thing than an actual achievement.

Time to take the dog out.

ANA Y3 D280

We watched Flow last night. If you haven't seen that movie, you must. Beautiful, touching, heartwarming, exciting, no dialogue but the message is conveyed perfectly. There is no wonder why it won best animated movie. Incredible story and visuals. We absolutely loved it.

I learned yesterday that my RI is in peril. Turns out our contact didn't bother to tell the group that is paying for it that they were paying for it. We shall see what happens.

Helped a client with their data model, pushed papers from one location to another. Made seafood pasta for dinner, watched the movie, snuggled on the couch. Oh, we also managed to get a walk in! It was a little chilly but we braved it and glad we did. Helped all of us immensely.

More of the same today.

ANA Y3 D279

Nothing interesting. Laundry. House cleaning. Boring day to be honest. Was cold again so couldn't go outside. Made tuna for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D278

Got an update last night from the HOA, apparently the responses they got were overwhelmingly negative at this office building being built in our neighborhood. Now, I might have been one of like 3 who responded, but even so, they are prepared to present to the planning department that it isn't wanted in this area. Score.

Very happy with my new hair. Back to blonde. Back to a shaggy cut. We also moved my part. When I was a kid I always wanted my hair parted in the middle because that's how the cool kids did it. But thanks to genetics and conservative adults in my family, I ended up with the nerdo side part. Ironically, I had her do a side part on me yesterday and we both loved it. SO here I am returning to my roots with a side part that looks hella cute. Go figure.

We made pizzas last night and watched a spoopy movie. We watched The Presence. 8 out of 10. Would recommend. No plans for today other than laundry. 

ANA Y3 D277

We took the doggo to the vet yesterday. $200 move as it seems to always be. BUT I submitted a claim to insurance and should get at least half back. Good decision getting that insurance with wellness addon for her. It covers almost everything she had done yesterday.

I was going to make tuna for dinner but it didn't defrost so C treated us to taco bell. Tonight we're making pizzas. More importantly, today is a new hair day! Almost five months with my last piece. New record. But I am very excited at the propsect of summer hair.

C has to work all weekend which sucks ass, but we will get through it. Welcome to March kiddos.

ANA Y3 D276

My head is splitting still. All day yesterday, this morning. My nose is stopped up too this morning. Fucking weather.

Going to the vet today. Taking C to the courthouse. Not working.

ANA Y3 D275

It snowed yesterday. Luckily very briefly and then it turned into rain. Regardless it satopped us from going on another walk which sucked. We were really enjoying those walks. Hopefully we can go again tonight.

 Pretty boring day. Taught again all the way up to 4pm. Made lamb burgers for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

One more day of teaching and then I get a break. New hair saturday. Looking forward to that.

ANA Y3 D274

Another day another 2.5 mile walk. We are getting back into the swing of things and it makes me very happy. The dog is happier, we're happier. It's supposed to snow again tomorrow but we will keep doing what we can in the meantime. We did have a creeper on our walk last night. He was in front of us, dog started barking and he started walking backwards staring at us. Like WTF? We waited him out and made it back to the house safe but it was a moment.

Taught all day from 8-4. Decent enough group. A little behind because they all showed up late but whatever. Not my issue. 

Made chicken shawarma for dinner. Lamb burgers tonight. 

I got a new jumpsuit yesterday Was 50% off and it can be worn for work. Professional looking. I ran it by two friends who both agreed it looks good and is office appropriate. Very happy about that.

ANA Y3 D273

Went on another walk. Getting back to our old schedule. Did 2 miles last night. Makes all of us happy. Getting outside, getting energy out of the dog. Makes us all happy.

Met with an attorney yesterday. He was a dick and rushed me through shit but he is going to look into my case. All I could ask for in this matter.

I teach the next three days straight so I will be left alone. 

ANA Y3 D272

We finished Saul yesterday morning. We both cried like babies at the last episode. I personally like Saul much better than BB. More human and broader story. Good watch.

Not much else. Made ribs. We did manage to finally go on a walk. The weather was acceptable and we got 1.5 miles in. Not great, but being outside helped all of us. Animal and human. Things should be nicer this week and I see more walks in our future.

I have a meeting with an attorney today to discuss the backyard issue. Let's see what happens on that front.

ANA Y3 D271

The monkeys in the circus let us sleep until 7am! Incredible! We did keep them up until amost 11:30pm last night so that helped. 

Quiet day. I started a smear campaign against the people who want to build in my backyard. I am meeting with an attorney on it tomorrow. I will stop this development come hell or highwater.

Ordered in last night. Persian. Very good.

ANA Y3 D270

On thursday I had another meeting with the CEO. The end result of it was that over time the department will be fully handed over to me. I will be the sole member and have full responsibility. With that comes a new title - VP. Sadly there literally is no money yet. We shall see how it goes.

Did presentations yesterday. Got through the day. Made meatball subs for dinner. Nothing on the agenda for today.

ANA Y3 D269

Fucking dog would not shut up last night. She barked at every little noise. I am running on about 4 hours of sleep. She was wound up and drove me nuts.

Had another meeting about my job. Looks like if I can hit certain goals I will get a promotion? Okay. Whatever. I don't have the energy to go into it right now. More tomorrow.

ANA Y3 D268

Looks like I am going back to RI next month. 5 days, 3 days of teaching, 2 of driving. What was supposed to be remote has turned into onsite. Fuck me. I spent yesterday trying to arrange dog care for those days. Nightmare.

Made lamb chops for dinner. Presentations the next two days.

ANA Y3 D267

Are we there yet? I don't know where there is, but I don't want to be here that's for sure.

I wish I could go back. Go back to being 13 or 16. Or 25. Or 40. A chance to do it all over again and this time make better choices. Make choices for me instead of everyone else. Make not the right choices, just better choices. Change how things are. Change who I was, who I am, and who I am supposed to be. But alas that won't happen, will it? I am stuck on this trajectory into the sun.

ANA Y3 D266

Nothing new to report. Made salmon and crab bowls for dinner. Worked on a new certification. Took care of dog. Living the dream.

ANA Y3 D265

My snow guy didn't come until almost 4pm yesterday. Even if I had wanted to go somewhere I couldn't. The roads were horrible, the driveway was blocked and it snowed all damn day. There's a good foot or two of snow out there right now. It sucks.

I didn't do anything yesterday. Dog duty. Watched the snow come down. My depression is at an all time high.

So yeah, that's how I am feeling. Whee.

ANA Y3 D264

It snowed non-stop. Still snowing. We're supposed to get up to 10 inches over the whole weekend. I think it's closer to 5 or 6. I went out yesterday morning to the grocery store and it was bad. I slid through one red light, was making my own lanes in places, slid through a roundabout. Luckily it was early enough and no commuters that I had the roads to myself.

I did ALL the laundry yesterday. Got it all done and put away. In the process I found the basement flooding again. Same place as last time. I sent roto a message asking what my warranty on their work is. We shall see this morning. 

The bigger news from yesterday is my friend and I formalized our trip to Nashville. She booked us a double queen at the Omni. 5 star hotel right downtown connected to the Hall of Fame. I in turn bought our entrance tickets to the museums, made dinner reservations, and planned out our itinerary. This is really happening. In two months I will get three days to myself out of this house. I can't wait. We're going to the Country Music Hall of Fame, the Johnny Cash museum, Hattie B's hot chicken, The Farmhouse, the Pancake Pantry, the Gibson Garage, Martin's BBQ - all within a 2 mil walking radius. She got us a prime hotel. I am so excited.

Now I wait to hear about my basement. Joy.

ANA Y3 D263

My meeting did not go well. He wouldn't listen to what needs to change. It was hot air blowing. I am doomed.

VD was good. C loved her gifts. She's taking me to dinner tonight. 

ANA Y3 D262

Have a meeting today at 2pm with the CEO and CFO. Lovely. Not looking forward to that shit show.

Nothing of excite to discuss. Went through the motions. Made tacos. 

Happy Valentine's Day.

ANA Y3 D261

Got my W2 fixed. Wasn't easy. It was an "oversight". Yeah, right.

We stayed up way too late last night but we are through season 3 of Saul. I don't care what anyone says. Superior show to BB. Just is. More nuance, more likable and dislikable characters. Bigger world. I am excited to see where things go.

Made chicken for dinner. Not much else going on. Can't wait for tomorrow to give C her presents. She surprised me with roses early. I don't expect her to do anything on Friday but it's okay. I know her heart is in the right place even if her memory isn't.

It snowed about 6 inches last night. Very quiet outside.

ANA Y3 D260

 I am pissed off right now. My W2 is in my dead name. WTF? This feels intentional. My name has been changed for over a year. Why screw it up now? It was fine last year? I feel a fight coming on.

My CEO wants a meeting. Fucking hell. More stress.

This is not a good week.

ANA Y3 D259

I guess I am back to learning how to live with my head screaming all the time. I get brief periods of respite but then it's right back to it. It was nice while it lasted.

Mostly random stuff yesterday. Nothing exciting nothing noteworthy. Made meatballs for dinner. Watched three episodes of Saul. Fucking hate Chuck. Halfway through season 3 already. Going much faster than BB ever did. Played with my guildies. Went to bed. 

ANA Y3 D258

Had a good day finally yesterday. No screaming in my head. Both of us were home and we shared dog duties. Made all the difference in the world. Still haven't left the house, but it was better. I made a pot roast in the slow cooker. Did a little cleaning. Played some video games. Watched some tv. 

Another week ahead. Whee.

ANA Y3 D257

Finally happened. I went down on the ice last night. Bad. Fucking dog pulled me, I went right on my back. Snow up everything. Hurt my wrist, my leg, and my back. I am so done with being here in the winter. It's a literal ice skating rink out there. I need to throw down something to make it easier to walk.

I hope they find the Superb Owl today.

ANA Y3 D256

It's supposed to snow today. Joy. I need to be able to sleep with the windows open again. This is killing my head. 

Went to the store, did a mentoring session, baked cookies, made jambalaya for dinner, watched tv. Did start to plan my trip to TN. Looking like April 11th. I have many things to look forward to now. I need them.

ANA Y3 D255

 The circus rolled into town early this morning. Monkey 1 at 2:10 found a washcloth and was walking around singing with it. This of course started Monkey 2 barking and wanting in on the fun. The ringmaster had to calm everyone down. Fucking monkeys and sadly, it is my circus.

Nothing of any significance to report. The world is still falling apart. Made pork quesadillas for dinner. Watched TV. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D254

I wish I had something deep or meaningful to write about, but I just don't. The world is a shit storm. I am trying to not doomscroll but it gets harder every day. Things are crumbling and all people are talking about is fucking eggs. Go away.

Didn't do much of anything yesterday. Made salmon for dinner. Same thing most likely today.

ANA Y3 D253

Whatever. Honestly. I am just whatever. Made pulled pork tacos. Was sad. Weather sucks. Same as it ever was.

ANA Y3 D252

Theweather right now is stupid. Today is 8 degrees colder than yesterday which was 12 degrees warmer than the day before which was 10 degrees colder. Get it? 15 one day, 34 the next, back to 19, then up to 45. Like WTF?

Cooked that pork butt for 12 hours. Came out perfect. We had pulled pork sandwiches with it and tonight tacos. Going to get individually 7 or 8 meals out of it. Not too shabby for a $12 piece of meat. 

Taught session 4 of 6 with a client, had more clients sign up for march and april. So far the start of the year has been steady and solid for me.

We may be going to a second concert. The Weeknd. C wants to go and if tickets aren't outrageous, we're going.

ANA Y3 D251

Got up early this morning to start a 12 hour pork butt. Goal was to have it in by 6am, had it going at 5:55. Boom. I am awesome.

Mostly boring day. I got my hair done, went to total wine and got some rootbeer. That was it for my outside time. We had "eat everything in this damn fridge" for dinner. Watched some tv. Went to bed.

ANA Y3 D250

Boring ass day. I didn't do anything excpet go to the store in the morning. Then I was home all day alone. Me and dog. Woo. Hair appointment today. At least I get to leave the house.

ANA Y3 D249

Had a very busy day yesterday. Did a mentoring session from 10-12ish, then a presentation from 2-3, then a meeting from 3-4:30. While all that was going on dealt with water in the basement because the snow turned to rain and everything started melting. Made fish for dinner. Still happy with new tv. Watched some stuff, went to bed.

ANA Y3 D248

My head is still fucking with me. Today is bad already. I wish I knew why. I am not stressed about anything out of the ordinary. Bills, life, the usual. I do think it's weather related now. The weather has gone from negatives to 45 degrees overnight. Today back down in the 20s. Like all over the goddamn place. I need to go back to sleeping with the window open. Maybe that will help. 

Long ass day yesterday. I did my 8am presentation, repeat today at 3pm. I then waited. C worked late and didn't get home until almost 7. The tv came at 9am and I had to stare at the box all day. We did in fact get it mounted and installed. Very happy with it. Such a huge difference and a much better interface. Plus no more cables hanging all over the place. No external devices, no sound bar needed. It hangs about 3 inches lower too which actually works better for us. I am not upset about it in anyway.

Today I have therapy, bills, then a 10-2 session, then a meeting at 1, then a presentation at 3. BUSY Friday.

ANA Y3 D247

That was one of the more exciting Wednesday's I've had in a while. Not a phrase one normally utters, but it was a whirlwind roller coaster. Woke up already on edge because of my exam. Then C wakes up to see messages from 4am that her dad was back in the hospital. He was admitted late Tuesday night and around 4 he was in trouble. Diabetic Ketoacidosis. Turns out he's had undiagnosed, untreated diabetes for a while. She of course had to get to him. He almost slipped into a coma. She patiently waited for me to take my exam before leaving which I know stressed her out even more but I was ever so grateful for her. My exam started at 8:45 for pre-check and I was so anxious. Took me about an hour to get through all 55 questions. 

I passed. 

Not like top of the charts passed, but I passed with a respectable score. The weight off my chest when I hit submit and got the passing page. It was like angels started singing. I am now a Microsoft PL-300 Power BI Data Analyst Associate. The MINUTE I was done she hopped in the car to get to her dad. I started then making contingency plans if I had to join her. Who'd watch the dog. Which clients can I reschedule. Who will sign for the TV today. 

While all that was going on, noon was inching closer. Inching. Get it? Nine Inch Nails tickets went on sale at noon. I was in the waiting room at 11:40 and when I entered the queue at noon I was 1380th in line. By the time it got to me, I was already limited. I did in fact get tickets. Row 10 in the same section where I saw Tool with the kid. Spent WAY more than I should have but dammit, I need something to look forward to in the future. We will be going in August and I am super excited. While all that was going on, I was on edge waiting for updates from C.

At 2pm she sent me a message saying he was in and out of consciousness and had a fever they couldn't break. They were icing him and hoping for the best. I was on call to enact my plans. Luckily at 7pm they gave an all clear, he was stabilizing and everyone could go home. She got home around 10. B came over in between all that to pick up some mail and bring doggo a gift. Speaking of doggo, my artist friend finished the commission I did from her of Sandy. This is the same person who did the Merlot art and I ordered a matching one of the doglet. Placed the canvas order last night. Better be here in time for Valentine's Day.

Finally around 10 poor C comes in the house exhausted from the day. We went to bed and just sighed a huge sigh of relief that the day was finally over.

I have an 8-9 meeting today and of course the TV is scheduled to come between 7 and 11am. Of course it is.

Side note - my head has been silent since yesterday. This exam was causing me more stress than I either would acknowledge or realized. When I passed that test it was like all the demons left my brain. Please don't come back.

ANA Y3 D246

Yesterday was hell. My head just wouldn't shut up. Had to teach. Had to function. Cried twice I was so frustrated. So far it's quiet. Today is my cert exam. God help me.

ANA Y3 D245

 Nothing new, nothing exciting. Taught. Ate. Slept. 2 days straight in the house.

ANA Y3 D244

Did nothing yesterday. Was in the house all day. I fucking hate when C has to work both weekend days. I feel like I can't do anything. We had pizza for dinner. Watched the Lisa Frank documentary. Went to bed. Multiple days of teaching this week.

ANA Y3 D243

Yesterday was wonderful. I spent the morning cleaning the house which was way overdue. I did the floors, the counters, cabinets, everything. Very happy about that. I did my makeup so I looked nice for guests. I made the most incredible grazing board. My cheeses were incredible. Everything was just perfect. I needed a day like yesterday and am grateful to have had it.

ANA Y3 D242

It's stinky cheese day!! Very excited for tonight. I am going to clean the house today then make the most awesome charcuterie ever! I am also going to order a backup pizza in case everyone hates the stinky cheese. 

Yesterday I worked. Scheduled my exam for next week, had meetings, practiced. Made chicken and shrimp lo mein for dinner. Watched the Lisa Frank story. Dealt with doggo. Went to the store in the morning. Basically another day.

ANA Y3 D241

Absolutely nothing exciting to report from yesterday. 2 hour meeting, bunch of tech support, dealt with dog, made salmon for dinner, fell asleep at 9:30 again. This is my life and it's ending one minute at a time.

ANA Y3 D240

Had a very long and full day yesterday. It started with me going to the doctor for my bloodwork review and physical. Before I left for the doctor I got notice my cheese was out for delivery! Hurray! It was bitter cold yesterday. Polar vortex and all that nonsense. The highest I saw it reach was 2. Yes, 2. Got to the doctor and not only did they see me early, they had me in and out without rushing me. God I love my doctor's office. End result, per everything, I am a healthy 37 year old woman. Right on. I also got my next set of implant which means I am good hopefully for another two years. At this point I only have to do bloodwork once a year. Unless I notice anything weird, I am good until Jan of 2026 minimum. I also discussed with my doctor my fear of not being able to have access to covered meds over the next four years. For those of you thinking I am overeacting, as of last night, I have no legal rights in four states now. Literally I am not recognized as a human being with rights. So fuck you if you think this is all just some big joke. Anyway, since I pay for my pellets out of pocket, she was able to write me a FULL scrip for estradiol. Right now I take 7 a month, one a day, one week a month. The new scrip? FIVE a day, every day. That means that a 90 day supply is 450 pills. I will get four of those a year. 1800 estradiol tablets. If me, C, or B ever find ourselves unable to access meds, I will have extra. A lot of extra. At my current dosage, I will have 21 years of meds stockpiled. Not bad, eh? After the doctor I went to the italian grocery store to get meats and bread for my cheese. I also got us a pizza for lunch. They're fresh made ones are out of this world. Came home and dealt with a bunch of work stuff. Had meetings, did litmos work, etc. By 4:30 my cheese had not yet arrived. I messaged my friend who was supposed to come eat it with me that cheese night was off. She was okay with that as she was feeling ill and was most likely going to cancel on me. Fair enough. Cheese night is on hold. It did finally arrived around 7pm. Thank goodness. I opend the box and there was an extra block in there. Some weird coffee cheese. Okay. But there it was. My langres. A cheese I haven't had in nearly a decade. Just beautiful and smelly. The dog was going nuts as I open the box. I let her smell every one through the packaging and when she smelled the langres she went nuts. She loved it. Good taste obviously. We then settled in to watch Nosferatu. I liked it. Around 11 I took her out one last time and we went to bed.

More meetings today, practice tests for next week, salmon for dinner. Probably hold cheese night until tomorrow. We shall see.

ANA Y3 D239

We did some research last night. Turns out tinnitus is actually worsened by extreme cold weather. Gee, go figure. This helps to explain why my head has been going insane the last few days. Having to take the dog out in negative degree temps has not helped one bit. Like right now I am fine. Same with yesterday. But after a couple times out BOOM it starts in and doesn't stop. Weather, fuck it.

Taught all day, answered emails until 5pm, made tuna for dinner, watched two episodes of Saul. I may have something to look forward to in the future. My friend has invited me for a girl's weekend in Nashville. She even offered to pay for the hotel. I discussed it with C last night and she is good with it. We're thinking Feb or March. This would be nice.

Have my physical today. Hopefully get new pellets.

ANA Y3 D238

Finally had a quiet head day yesterday. Of course we're now being run by a man child and his nazi sidekick so there's that. I taught. Good group. Luckily. I taught Canadians yesterday so we could steer clear of any issues. Went until 3:30, didn't feel like cooking so we had burgers out for dinner. Watched tv, went to bed around 9:30 because we were both exhausted. Same today most likely. Second day with same group.

ANA Y3 D237

Not a great day. My head for some reason won't shut up. I slipped on ice and hurt my knee. My lips are cracked betond belief. I can't live here any more.

In 5 hours we be ruled by a child. God help us all.

ANA Y3 236

Was up hella early yesterday to take dog to groomer and be out of C's way to go to work. We got to the groomer at 7:45, I dropped her off at 8, went to two grocery stores, the gas station, and Target. Literally as I pulled into the PetSmart parking lot they called saying she was done. Perfect timing. Got home, put everything away and did shit around the house. Made chili for dinner, watched some tv, went to bed.

NOTHING is planned for today. C is finally fucking off and I am shirking all dog duty.

ANA Y3 D235

Same as it ever was.

ANA Y3 D234

My head was screaming all day again yesterday. I think it's because I have been trying to eliminate caffeine from my diet and it's messing with me. No more morning rockstar. Withdrawal maybe? It's quiet right now thank god. But it made yesterday hell to get through my class. I was snappy, I was impatient. I don't like being that way. Taught until 4pm on the nose again. Made quesadillas for dinner and sat in the dark afterwards. Just tried to calm my head down. Here's hoping today is better.

ANA Y3 D233

I fucking hate winter. I can't breathe. I don't want to get up in the morning because it's too cold. I don't want to take dog out because of snow. Bah humbug.

Taught all day. All the way until 4pm. Made dinner (burgers), watched some tv, played some games, went to bed. 

Same today.

ANA Y3 D232

It was a bad day yesterday. Dog drove me nuts. Head was screaming. Salespeople were bugging me. I went to bed at 8:30 because I was so frustrated. Woke up at 2 with cramps and head still screaming.

I teach the next three days. Whee.

ANA Y3 D231

I overslept this morning. I needed it. My body wanted it. I teach the rest of this week and today was the only day I could afford to make this error. Worth it.

Had my meeting I have been dreading since before Xmas finally. Went better than expected. Still not sure of the purpose but it's done and over with. I can finally breathe again.

I have closure on Jesse Pinkman now. We watched El Camino last night. Felt good.

Made jambalaya for dinner. Was very happy with how it turned out. Tonight we're doing steak fajitas.

ANA Y3 D230

Well we did it. We finished Breaking Bad. Only 12 years after it officially ended I can say I have watched the whole thing. We will add that to the very short list of shows where I found the ending to be good. That's a very short list. Less than 10 shows in my life where I didn't feel cheated or the show got cancelled and we were left hanging. Everything was handled well. Now on to El Camino so I can get more closure. Hopefully.

Did my new lego set yesterday. Came out really cool. Took me a couple of hours to do. While I was working on that, C put together her notes from last week from her time in the other store. She wants to showcase the good and bad differences for her boss. I told her half jokingly yesterday if she keeps thinking the way she does, she is destined for management whether she likes it or not. 

We made tacos and quesadillas for dinner to use up some of the jars of salsa we made on Saturday. Still have a ton left over and will probably also have fajitas later this week. Tonight I am doing jambalaya.

I have a meeting at 10am today that I have been dreading. Let's see how that goes.