In this place it seems like such a shame. Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same. Everywhere I look you're all I see. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be...
Two years. I survived two fucking years. Amazing. And now for the last year in my life recap. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride hasn't it kids? Let's see if we can summarize:
- Moved.
- Met a nice woman and then realized she was a nice woman and I would probably hurt her in the long run
- Fucked a 23 year old. Sorry, it's fact and I am taking credit for it
- Almost lost my job thanks to a 23 year old
- Tried repeating what I found, only to be lied to, stolen from, and hurt once more. But at least had sex with a 21 year old
- As for karmic payment, been celibate and alone for 8 fucking months. Payback is a bitch ain't it?
- Suffered through the worst financial period of my life
- Had to beg borrow and steal to stay afloat a couple of times
- Lost any semblance of pride to make the bills
- Found a new job which should turn things around
- Lost my timeshare in Hawaii
- Drank and made an ass out of myself
- Drank and nearly killed myself
- Drank and drank and drank...
- Incurred more debt than any one man should have to deal with in his life thanks to life and the IRS
- Tried to go to a doctor to get help and all he wanted to do was push drugs
- Found a group of people who love me and accept for who I am, which saved my life
- Lost a dear friend through reasons I still don't understand because he won't talk to me
- Watched my fucking brother die
And those are just the fucking highlights. People wonder why I have emotional problems. If the average person went through HALF of what I did in the last 12 months they would be blubbering idiots. Yet somehow I kept going. Somehow I made it one more fucking year. What will year three bring? Happiness? I don't know that concept. It's beyond me. Happiness isn't allowed. Moments of happiness are okay but sustained happiness is for other people apparently and not me. Will I get out of the hole? Will I find someone who actually gives a fuck about me? Will my friend who I care about deeply forgive me for whatever trespasses I committed? Will I lose even more family members?
How will you know the answers to all these? Well kids you have to keep reading, don't ya?
Showing posts with label single alone dating life patience adventure journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single alone dating life patience adventure journey. Show all posts
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Y2 D88
I just had the most incredible 24 hours. I finally found a group of people with whom I fit! People who are insane, loud, crazy, young AND old, and accept me for who I am.
Let's start at the beginning...
My buddy and I rolled out of our area at 3am. We made the drive to Reno in 3.5 hours. Smooth sailing. We rolled into town around 6:30. Man what a dump Reno has become. We had breakfast then met up with everyone at the event center around 10 to setup. While we were waiting for the group to show, we walked around giving out free tickets. The event center is on the University of Reno campus and there were tons of students already milling around. I gave a pair to these two girls and after they hugged me and ran away giggling, I started to get an idea of just how big this was going to be.
We had from 10am until 11am to setup. Our director's stress level was through the roof. She was so tweaked out, but now having lived through it, I understand. We unloaded the van, marked stage, marked our after show donation request spots, etc. We were done around 11:30 and then I pulled out ice cream. I had brought with me about 14 small tupperware containers filled with ice cream. The cast went nuts. I was starting to put things away and one of the girls leaned over and kissed me on the head. "That was for ice cream". She then hugged me saying - "I love you for bringing me ice cream, I hate you for making me fat". Alrighty then. Works for me. Again, getting a sense of the group and things to come...
We then met up with another friend for lunch and to bum around Reno. That was pretty uneventful although I had my badge on for the show that night and a few people in town stopped me when they saw it. Wether it was that they wanted tickets, or to meet the cast, or that they had seen the cast in the hotel, everyone had a story they wanted to tell.
I now know why people become roadies...
We were starting to get bored and exhausted by around 3. Reno is not a very exciting city. Neither of us wanted to spend money gambling, we didn't want to drink, and we had no hotel room. So we headed over to the event center, parked in the garage out of sight, and took an hour nap. During that time, my other friend who lives locally called and met up with us around 5. At 5:30 or so we moved the car into the "performer's" area back around the loading dock. I went inside to get ready and they went to get in line. There was already a line forming by 6pm. I would say there were a good 50 people in line 2 hours before the show.
For about 1/2 hour we went through our final prep and then a bunch of us decided to go check out the line and get the crowd worked up. Wow. Insane. I felt so good. Like I was part of something big and fun. I started to get the adrenaline rush at that point. Around 7 they let the crowd in and same thing - here's where I had one of my shining moments - I started walking the floor as I could come and go as I please with my little badge. With the help of one of the other cast members, we got the crowd into a frenzy. I noticed at one point my two directors watching me. Later in the night, the wife told me that I was her new favorite person because when she saw me getting the crowd worked up, she knew it was a good thing I was part of the group. That made me feel good. Again, I finally found some place where I belong. A place where I could be as loud and silly as I want and it's a fucking GOOD thing.
The main fun started around 8 with virgin games, rules, and time warp instructions. From there it was all a whirlwind and blur. Move props, change sets, put things away, move cables; just non-stop until the end of the show. It was an energy level I can't even describe in words. I will say that the bond I felt between the five of us on tech crew gave me one of the warmest feelings. Plus as the actors came backstage to change and get water, I saw their energy which kept me going.
Side note - at one point it struck me how different theater people can be from outside folks. I have never hung out backstage at a show like this where I was part of the whole thing. Watching people throw off clothes and change and move like they did was amazing and impressive. Also how non-chalant people are around each other because it's about the show. I saw more of the cast's bodies than I have seen anywhere else in a long time. The girls throwing off their tops to change, the guys dropping pants to change, it was all just a normal thing. And funny enough, while I was conscious of these things going on, I was too fucking busy to care. That's when I realized, oh god, I am a drama person. But I liked it.
The show went perfect. Didn't miss a single mark, didn't screw anything up. That's all one can ask. When the show hit a certain point, all of us on tech and security ran off to our donation locations. We were there to ask for donations as people were leaving. Long story long, I made the most money out of our group which was driving one of the girls nuts. She looked over at me at one point and said "But I have boobs!" To which I responded, "yes, but I have a bigger mouth". 'Nuff said.
There were at least two after parties we knew of going on, one right across the street and another a ways downtown. The one across the street had supplied us with hundreds, literally hundreds of free wine or beer drink tickets. Guess where we ended up? I was still high on the show as we walked into the bar and I decided to have fun. As me and some of the tech and security folks walked in, I announced to the room "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN - IT IS TIME NOW TO MEET THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE FROM YOUR ROCKY HORROR SHOW! TECH AND SECURITY!!". The room went nuts. I couldn't believe it. At least 3/4 of the room had been at the show and many of them were in costume. People wanted to buy us drinks, they wanted pictures, it was crazy. Then I saw some of the performers pulling up. I did it again, I announced THEM to the room and all hell broke loose - cameras, booze, etc. We were there a couple of hours where some of the cast started getting pretty heated and we all decided it was time for food.
Off to one of the casinos. I should mention my two friends had kept up with me the whole time. The cast accepted them into our little fold and they were having the time of their lives too. That made me feel good. I wanted them to be happy. 20 of us, 1/2 in costume walking through a casino at 1am. Yeah we were a sight to see. What fun.
We ate and got in the car at 2. Drive straight home. I slept from 7 until noon. Now to pick up the pieces of my car, my voice, my body. I am exhausted, thrilled, excited, and drained all at the same time. I can't wait until our next show next saturday in the city.
Some final thoughts - I didn't screw up. I didn't make any drunken moves on anyone even though a couple of them did on me. I also didn't put my foot in my mouth or piss anyone off. This is big for me. I need this. I need this energy, this social group. I can't fuck it up.
Let's start at the beginning...
My buddy and I rolled out of our area at 3am. We made the drive to Reno in 3.5 hours. Smooth sailing. We rolled into town around 6:30. Man what a dump Reno has become. We had breakfast then met up with everyone at the event center around 10 to setup. While we were waiting for the group to show, we walked around giving out free tickets. The event center is on the University of Reno campus and there were tons of students already milling around. I gave a pair to these two girls and after they hugged me and ran away giggling, I started to get an idea of just how big this was going to be.
We had from 10am until 11am to setup. Our director's stress level was through the roof. She was so tweaked out, but now having lived through it, I understand. We unloaded the van, marked stage, marked our after show donation request spots, etc. We were done around 11:30 and then I pulled out ice cream. I had brought with me about 14 small tupperware containers filled with ice cream. The cast went nuts. I was starting to put things away and one of the girls leaned over and kissed me on the head. "That was for ice cream". She then hugged me saying - "I love you for bringing me ice cream, I hate you for making me fat". Alrighty then. Works for me. Again, getting a sense of the group and things to come...
We then met up with another friend for lunch and to bum around Reno. That was pretty uneventful although I had my badge on for the show that night and a few people in town stopped me when they saw it. Wether it was that they wanted tickets, or to meet the cast, or that they had seen the cast in the hotel, everyone had a story they wanted to tell.
I now know why people become roadies...
We were starting to get bored and exhausted by around 3. Reno is not a very exciting city. Neither of us wanted to spend money gambling, we didn't want to drink, and we had no hotel room. So we headed over to the event center, parked in the garage out of sight, and took an hour nap. During that time, my other friend who lives locally called and met up with us around 5. At 5:30 or so we moved the car into the "performer's" area back around the loading dock. I went inside to get ready and they went to get in line. There was already a line forming by 6pm. I would say there were a good 50 people in line 2 hours before the show.
For about 1/2 hour we went through our final prep and then a bunch of us decided to go check out the line and get the crowd worked up. Wow. Insane. I felt so good. Like I was part of something big and fun. I started to get the adrenaline rush at that point. Around 7 they let the crowd in and same thing - here's where I had one of my shining moments - I started walking the floor as I could come and go as I please with my little badge. With the help of one of the other cast members, we got the crowd into a frenzy. I noticed at one point my two directors watching me. Later in the night, the wife told me that I was her new favorite person because when she saw me getting the crowd worked up, she knew it was a good thing I was part of the group. That made me feel good. Again, I finally found some place where I belong. A place where I could be as loud and silly as I want and it's a fucking GOOD thing.
The main fun started around 8 with virgin games, rules, and time warp instructions. From there it was all a whirlwind and blur. Move props, change sets, put things away, move cables; just non-stop until the end of the show. It was an energy level I can't even describe in words. I will say that the bond I felt between the five of us on tech crew gave me one of the warmest feelings. Plus as the actors came backstage to change and get water, I saw their energy which kept me going.
Side note - at one point it struck me how different theater people can be from outside folks. I have never hung out backstage at a show like this where I was part of the whole thing. Watching people throw off clothes and change and move like they did was amazing and impressive. Also how non-chalant people are around each other because it's about the show. I saw more of the cast's bodies than I have seen anywhere else in a long time. The girls throwing off their tops to change, the guys dropping pants to change, it was all just a normal thing. And funny enough, while I was conscious of these things going on, I was too fucking busy to care. That's when I realized, oh god, I am a drama person. But I liked it.
The show went perfect. Didn't miss a single mark, didn't screw anything up. That's all one can ask. When the show hit a certain point, all of us on tech and security ran off to our donation locations. We were there to ask for donations as people were leaving. Long story long, I made the most money out of our group which was driving one of the girls nuts. She looked over at me at one point and said "But I have boobs!" To which I responded, "yes, but I have a bigger mouth". 'Nuff said.
There were at least two after parties we knew of going on, one right across the street and another a ways downtown. The one across the street had supplied us with hundreds, literally hundreds of free wine or beer drink tickets. Guess where we ended up? I was still high on the show as we walked into the bar and I decided to have fun. As me and some of the tech and security folks walked in, I announced to the room "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN - IT IS TIME NOW TO MEET THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE FROM YOUR ROCKY HORROR SHOW! TECH AND SECURITY!!". The room went nuts. I couldn't believe it. At least 3/4 of the room had been at the show and many of them were in costume. People wanted to buy us drinks, they wanted pictures, it was crazy. Then I saw some of the performers pulling up. I did it again, I announced THEM to the room and all hell broke loose - cameras, booze, etc. We were there a couple of hours where some of the cast started getting pretty heated and we all decided it was time for food.
Off to one of the casinos. I should mention my two friends had kept up with me the whole time. The cast accepted them into our little fold and they were having the time of their lives too. That made me feel good. I wanted them to be happy. 20 of us, 1/2 in costume walking through a casino at 1am. Yeah we were a sight to see. What fun.
We ate and got in the car at 2. Drive straight home. I slept from 7 until noon. Now to pick up the pieces of my car, my voice, my body. I am exhausted, thrilled, excited, and drained all at the same time. I can't wait until our next show next saturday in the city.
Some final thoughts - I didn't screw up. I didn't make any drunken moves on anyone even though a couple of them did on me. I also didn't put my foot in my mouth or piss anyone off. This is big for me. I need this. I need this energy, this social group. I can't fuck it up.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Y2 D40
Slept like a psychoholic mess last night. Can't even begin to call it sleep. When you find yourself waking in the night sweats every fifteen minutes, it really doesn't qualify now does it? My head hurts because of my ear, my dreams were all over the map, and my back hurts. Thank the stars today is a holiday and I don't have to do shit.
Two more days until my birthday. Big fucking deal. Another year older, another day closer to death, if I am lucky, but first a full stop at Insanity Town.
Was American last night -- ate too much food and blew shit up. Whoo fucking hoo.
Spent the first part of the day waiting for a doctor to show up at the redi-clinic to look at my ear and tell me what I already knew. Then had to wait two hours for a pharmacist to grab a bottle of drops from a shelf and put them in a bag. You'd think they could do things like that in five minutes. If I were doing their job, I think I would look at the prescriptions in front of me and take care of the ones that don't involve anything first. I get it if you have to count pills, etc. But to go to a single fucking shelf, grab drops, and put them in a bag shouldn't take two goddamn hours.
Weighed in at the doctor's at 164. I guess that's good? I put on five lbs in the last month. My blood pressure is right where it is supposed to be. The nurse was impressed that I could tell her what it was within three points before she even took the reading.
Made hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, and tater tots for the child. I ate too, but it was out reflex not desire. In some ways I can't wait until she goes back home and I can stop eating again.
For the record, 5 days with no alcohol. Not for any reason other than I want to dry out. I tend to do this - dry out the week or two before my birthday. That way I can drink without guilt on that day. This year? Meh. Who cares.
I think today will involve a ride to Target. No real reason other than getting out of the house.
Two more days until my birthday. Big fucking deal. Another year older, another day closer to death, if I am lucky, but first a full stop at Insanity Town.
Was American last night -- ate too much food and blew shit up. Whoo fucking hoo.
Spent the first part of the day waiting for a doctor to show up at the redi-clinic to look at my ear and tell me what I already knew. Then had to wait two hours for a pharmacist to grab a bottle of drops from a shelf and put them in a bag. You'd think they could do things like that in five minutes. If I were doing their job, I think I would look at the prescriptions in front of me and take care of the ones that don't involve anything first. I get it if you have to count pills, etc. But to go to a single fucking shelf, grab drops, and put them in a bag shouldn't take two goddamn hours.
Weighed in at the doctor's at 164. I guess that's good? I put on five lbs in the last month. My blood pressure is right where it is supposed to be. The nurse was impressed that I could tell her what it was within three points before she even took the reading.
Made hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, and tater tots for the child. I ate too, but it was out reflex not desire. In some ways I can't wait until she goes back home and I can stop eating again.
For the record, 5 days with no alcohol. Not for any reason other than I want to dry out. I tend to do this - dry out the week or two before my birthday. That way I can drink without guilt on that day. This year? Meh. Who cares.
I think today will involve a ride to Target. No real reason other than getting out of the house.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Y2 D39
Went to bed at 4. But for once it was for a good reason. Had some outstanding Father/Daughter time yesterday. Let's see if I can remember the whole day...
Started off simple enough, got up early and started making ribs for the night. 8 hours of slow cooking. Had them in by 10am. After that kind of putzed around until the kid got out of bed. Somewhere around noon I think it was. Then we went off to run some errands. Nothing major, just some little things like mail a letter, pick up a couple of CDs we have been wanting. For those who are Nirvana fans, we found the five CD set of Outcesticide recently and they guy held on to them for us. Rare, demos, bootlegs, etc. Almost 200 tracks that most people have never heard before. I also got a Johnny Cash CD for $5. American III. After that we went and had Filipino food for lunch. I had pork knuckles and she had some strange noodles. From there, a couple more little errands, including picking up a scale for me to weigh things in grams (for cooking you idiot), and back home by 3ish.
It was while we were out she remembered that one of the local theaters was doing a RHPS show at midnight. Rocky Horror Picture Show for you virgins. She was all excited and asking if we could go - um, duh? Why not?
This btw is the kind of thing that made me rethink my relationship with N1. Last minute, midnight showing of RHPS. Let's do it. Her? Probably not so much. Not her kind of thing. She would have felt (or at least my perception of her leads me to think) very much out of place.
We had our ribs, which were awesome btw. Then we watched cops just because, played some video games and headed out.
Ok, here's where the fun started. We got there about 11:15 and we were probably 10th or so in line. I haven't done an RHPS in so long. I forgot how crazy things can get. We had a blast. I took a ton of pictures of the cast. Posting them soon.
All in all? A good day. A "normal" day. A day I didn't feel like I was drowning. Nice.
This morning I have an ear infection and have to hit the clinic at 1pm, but that's minor. I can deal with that. Then tonight? We blow shit up because it's American!
Started off simple enough, got up early and started making ribs for the night. 8 hours of slow cooking. Had them in by 10am. After that kind of putzed around until the kid got out of bed. Somewhere around noon I think it was. Then we went off to run some errands. Nothing major, just some little things like mail a letter, pick up a couple of CDs we have been wanting. For those who are Nirvana fans, we found the five CD set of Outcesticide recently and they guy held on to them for us. Rare, demos, bootlegs, etc. Almost 200 tracks that most people have never heard before. I also got a Johnny Cash CD for $5. American III. After that we went and had Filipino food for lunch. I had pork knuckles and she had some strange noodles. From there, a couple more little errands, including picking up a scale for me to weigh things in grams (for cooking you idiot), and back home by 3ish.
It was while we were out she remembered that one of the local theaters was doing a RHPS show at midnight. Rocky Horror Picture Show for you virgins. She was all excited and asking if we could go - um, duh? Why not?
This btw is the kind of thing that made me rethink my relationship with N1. Last minute, midnight showing of RHPS. Let's do it. Her? Probably not so much. Not her kind of thing. She would have felt (or at least my perception of her leads me to think) very much out of place.
We had our ribs, which were awesome btw. Then we watched cops just because, played some video games and headed out.
Ok, here's where the fun started. We got there about 11:15 and we were probably 10th or so in line. I haven't done an RHPS in so long. I forgot how crazy things can get. We had a blast. I took a ton of pictures of the cast. Posting them soon.
All in all? A good day. A "normal" day. A day I didn't feel like I was drowning. Nice.
This morning I have an ear infection and have to hit the clinic at 1pm, but that's minor. I can deal with that. Then tonight? We blow shit up because it's American!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Y2 D38
I watched Se7en last night with the Kid. She has a list of about 50 - 75 movies she has decided she has to see. Most of them are classics like "The Godfather" or "Citizen Kane" but then she has some crap on there like "Evil Bong" (which we watched last week btw and is so god awful we cracked up the entire time). Out of her list I probably own 25 or so of the movies. We have them all sitting by the TV to watch while she is here this summer. Se7en is one of them.
Point? For those who remember the movie, when they go into John Doe's place, Somerset finds the notebooks. He starts reading from them to Mills -- "I was on the subway today and this man tried to make small talk". Made me wonder if what I am doing here is nothing more than an updated modern version of an insane man writing line after line in a notebook. My last year's worth of entries came out to 290,000 words. How many notebooks would that have filled? Did I say anything in there that was worth reading or even putting down in type in the first place?
Is there anything in these ramblings that is worth "saving" for posterity? I think the only difference between me and John Doe is I am not shooting for illusions of grandeur. I do this mostly for me, not for any of you. Hell I don't even know how many or who is reading this anymore. I don't really care. It helps me. If I can keep looking in the mirror and questioning my sanity then I must still be sane, right? Please tell me I am right...
Other than watching the movie with the kid yesterday the most exciting thing that happened was that I bought a toaster oven. I don't make toast or things like toast. But since the kid is here she has wanted frozen waffles, toast, bagels, etc. I caved in and got a toaster oven yesterday for her. Once she leaves, I will pack it up and stick it in the storage unit. I wonder how skinny I can get before it has adverse effects on my health. 20 more lbs? 30? Funny that if I continue to lose weight it will be more socially acceptable than if I decided to go the other way.
Cut of your nose to spite your face.
Still stuck inside my head. Still falling slowly. Feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
Point? For those who remember the movie, when they go into John Doe's place, Somerset finds the notebooks. He starts reading from them to Mills -- "I was on the subway today and this man tried to make small talk". Made me wonder if what I am doing here is nothing more than an updated modern version of an insane man writing line after line in a notebook. My last year's worth of entries came out to 290,000 words. How many notebooks would that have filled? Did I say anything in there that was worth reading or even putting down in type in the first place?
Is there anything in these ramblings that is worth "saving" for posterity? I think the only difference between me and John Doe is I am not shooting for illusions of grandeur. I do this mostly for me, not for any of you. Hell I don't even know how many or who is reading this anymore. I don't really care. It helps me. If I can keep looking in the mirror and questioning my sanity then I must still be sane, right? Please tell me I am right...
Other than watching the movie with the kid yesterday the most exciting thing that happened was that I bought a toaster oven. I don't make toast or things like toast. But since the kid is here she has wanted frozen waffles, toast, bagels, etc. I caved in and got a toaster oven yesterday for her. Once she leaves, I will pack it up and stick it in the storage unit. I wonder how skinny I can get before it has adverse effects on my health. 20 more lbs? 30? Funny that if I continue to lose weight it will be more socially acceptable than if I decided to go the other way.
Cut of your nose to spite your face.
Still stuck inside my head. Still falling slowly. Feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Y2 D37
I wish there was a way I could explain this to all of you so you'd understand. This isn't just a slump or me being sorry for myself. This is a form of depression. It's internal as I am able to fake it on the outside for the most part. It's only here and some rare other times that I allow it to come to the surface. Always put on a smile for the crowd because that's what the crowd expects to see.
To be blunt, no I don't have anyone to spend my birthday with this year. I am not "home" anymore. All the relationships I managed to create and enjoy in the last year, no matter how surface they may have been, I don't have this year. I am in a "new" place without the same connections I had long ago. I am miles from an ocean, my camera is broken and I can't afford a replacement, I have no interest in any hobbies, and feel like part of me is missing.
With all that, why should I be excited about my birthday? It's on a Wednesday, I have no money, can't do anything, and no one to do it with. Whoop dee fucking doo.
The bigger problem is that I realize that while the current issue may be my birthday, it extends to my entire life. I won't feel any different the day after. Instead I will feel even worse because I will be one year older. And everything else will still be there.
I know I have to be around for the kid for a while, don't get me wrong. I won't leave her to her mother's world quite yet. But when she is on her own, living her life, then she won't need me. Right now she is about the only who does and I feel like I am letting her down every day because I can't do the things I want to do for her.
Don't tell me to get out of town, change my scenery, go for a walk, blah blah blah. It's all the same. It's the same vicious spiral. Unless you have ever been this far back into your own head to see the dark places that no one else is supposed to see, you don't understand. A day in the sun isn't going to make my problems go away. Nor is drinking, drugs, or cheap women -- but they sure make the pain bearable some days.
Side note, I haven't had anything to drink in two days. I know big deal, but to me it is. To me it's a good sign to know I have enough booze in the house to choke an elephant and I don't have any interest in drinking it. Nor do I have any plans to drink it. That's probably the only positive I have right now.
I haven't work in two days and no work means no pay. I can't go looking for a new job because I am under contract and if I break this contract I would owe them $10,000. Unless I find someone who is willing to pay me a starting bonus to break the contract, I have to keep going. You know, the sad part is, if I wasn't stressed about how much I was or wasn't getting paid at my job, I would actually enjoy it. For the most part I like what I do (for the most part) but I am constantly worried which doesn't allow me any pleasure.
Ok, that's enough.
To be blunt, no I don't have anyone to spend my birthday with this year. I am not "home" anymore. All the relationships I managed to create and enjoy in the last year, no matter how surface they may have been, I don't have this year. I am in a "new" place without the same connections I had long ago. I am miles from an ocean, my camera is broken and I can't afford a replacement, I have no interest in any hobbies, and feel like part of me is missing.
With all that, why should I be excited about my birthday? It's on a Wednesday, I have no money, can't do anything, and no one to do it with. Whoop dee fucking doo.
The bigger problem is that I realize that while the current issue may be my birthday, it extends to my entire life. I won't feel any different the day after. Instead I will feel even worse because I will be one year older. And everything else will still be there.
I know I have to be around for the kid for a while, don't get me wrong. I won't leave her to her mother's world quite yet. But when she is on her own, living her life, then she won't need me. Right now she is about the only who does and I feel like I am letting her down every day because I can't do the things I want to do for her.
Don't tell me to get out of town, change my scenery, go for a walk, blah blah blah. It's all the same. It's the same vicious spiral. Unless you have ever been this far back into your own head to see the dark places that no one else is supposed to see, you don't understand. A day in the sun isn't going to make my problems go away. Nor is drinking, drugs, or cheap women -- but they sure make the pain bearable some days.
Side note, I haven't had anything to drink in two days. I know big deal, but to me it is. To me it's a good sign to know I have enough booze in the house to choke an elephant and I don't have any interest in drinking it. Nor do I have any plans to drink it. That's probably the only positive I have right now.
I haven't work in two days and no work means no pay. I can't go looking for a new job because I am under contract and if I break this contract I would owe them $10,000. Unless I find someone who is willing to pay me a starting bonus to break the contract, I have to keep going. You know, the sad part is, if I wasn't stressed about how much I was or wasn't getting paid at my job, I would actually enjoy it. For the most part I like what I do (for the most part) but I am constantly worried which doesn't allow me any pleasure.
Ok, that's enough.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Y2 D36
What do I want from life?
To kidnap an heiress or threaten her with a knife?
Yeah sure. My birthday is in a week and I don't give a shit. First time ever in my life I don't care about my birthday. By this point I would have been sending emails and writing on walls how many hours are left until the day. This year? Fuck it. The best gift I could give to everyone else would be to disappear and stay out of their lives for good.
What DO I want from life?
A meaningless love affair with a girl I met last night?
Last year, I didn't feel so alone. I spent my birthday running around Disneyland with my then girlfriend and the Kid plus one of her friends. I felt like I had a connection to the world. This year, right at this moment I have never felt so disconnected.
The day yesterday was uneventful for the most part. Went back to the client, did some work for them. Spent like 4 hours on site. I did late yesterday get word on my new project. Less than 5 miles from home and at least a month if not two worth of work.
What DO I WANT from life?
Someone to love and somebody I can trust?
Best gift I could get? For LO to show up at the airport on my birthday, fuck my brains out, then get right back on a plane the next morning. No hassle no fuss. Yeah like THAT is going to happen. Hell, I don't even know what's going on with that any more. The distance, the age difference, the life differences, they are all starting to come into focus. For both of us. Something has to give one way or the other. Tired of being a long distance friend. Need something more, one way or another. Once again I found myself texting between 1 and 3am with her. No sleep, just random texts. The closest relationship I have with a woman is 750 miles away and electronic. Nice.
Reality of my birthday? No one will be there. I will be alone. I will spend the day by myself. I will share it with the Kid, but you know what I mean. I won't have anyone to truly share it with. I have so few people I can call friend and none of them are nearby. Nor will none of them travel to see me. They have their own lives and I am just not that important - to anyone. Anymore. Was I ever? Was it all pretend? From everyone?
I wish I could come to terms with things in my daily life. How hard is it for me to find someone? Why is it so hard for me to find someone? I do feel I have a lot to offer. Everyone gives me crap about my lifestyle, how I live, that I am just playing, etc. But they refuse to acknowledge that I *DO* want a relationship. I would be very happy in the RIGHT relationship with the RIGHT person. Someone who can accept me, my lifestyle, my quirks, my drinking, my attitude, my everything. I would give the right woman the world. Of course, I said that to X2 once and she said "yeah, but I would have to pay the bill later". Bitch. I mean don't get me wrong, in some ways she was right, but she is still a bitch.
Am I good person? I sometimes don't know. I don't know what I am doing anymore. This is why I want to go away forever. As soon as the kid is old enough to be on her own and not need me, it will be time for me to disappear. Save me and I will save you. Can I be saved? Is there time? Is there hope? I am losing hope at a faster rate each day, each hour.
WHAT DO I WANT FROM LIFE???
Well you can't have that...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Y2 D35
Boring day, great night!
Spent the day at home just catching up on things. Back onsite today for the client, but was able to enjoy one last day at home before getting slammed. The only interesting thing that happened during the day was a random from the original, one and only, Miss J. I haven't heard from her in a while, so it was really nice to get a text out of the blue. She sent me a picture of a little flower blooming in a sidewalk and just a hello message. Extremely sweet. I miss her greatly. I would do anything for that woman and she knows it.
LO and I texted a little during the day, but nothing major. I think it's finally starting to wan. Only took a month. But she knows it's my birthday next week. Let's see if that ends up meaning anything. I doubt it, but without hope, what else do we have?
Did hear from my bosses about a couple of things which should relieve some stress in July. Just need to keep my fingers crossed on that issue.
And now the night...
My friend did another one of his Secret Cafe's. The last one was in the middle of May and I think we were still technically in year one of this journal. That means that some of you have no clue what I am talking about. I have a friend who is a chef and about once a month he hosts a dinner party at his or someone else's house where he cooks a 4 - 6 course dinner for all of us. Last night was at his house in the backyard. Sea Bass, onion rings, vegetables, oh my. Too much in too many different courses for me to wrap my head around right now. He had a stove failure at one point and things got a little hectic, but he managed to pull it off none the less. It was an incredible night. Brought the Kid and three of my friends which was great. Two of them are single guys, the other a single woman. The guys were in heaven as they are close to my age and here we were at a party of 20 somethings. They were all amazed that I know this group of people. Hey, can I help it if they find me annoying, I mean charming?
We were out until about midnight, but it was worth every moment. I have about 100 pictures to go through today while I wait for the client to actually be ready for me. This should prove to be a fun day as well...
Spent the day at home just catching up on things. Back onsite today for the client, but was able to enjoy one last day at home before getting slammed. The only interesting thing that happened during the day was a random from the original, one and only, Miss J. I haven't heard from her in a while, so it was really nice to get a text out of the blue. She sent me a picture of a little flower blooming in a sidewalk and just a hello message. Extremely sweet. I miss her greatly. I would do anything for that woman and she knows it.
LO and I texted a little during the day, but nothing major. I think it's finally starting to wan. Only took a month. But she knows it's my birthday next week. Let's see if that ends up meaning anything. I doubt it, but without hope, what else do we have?
Did hear from my bosses about a couple of things which should relieve some stress in July. Just need to keep my fingers crossed on that issue.
And now the night...
My friend did another one of his Secret Cafe's. The last one was in the middle of May and I think we were still technically in year one of this journal. That means that some of you have no clue what I am talking about. I have a friend who is a chef and about once a month he hosts a dinner party at his or someone else's house where he cooks a 4 - 6 course dinner for all of us. Last night was at his house in the backyard. Sea Bass, onion rings, vegetables, oh my. Too much in too many different courses for me to wrap my head around right now. He had a stove failure at one point and things got a little hectic, but he managed to pull it off none the less. It was an incredible night. Brought the Kid and three of my friends which was great. Two of them are single guys, the other a single woman. The guys were in heaven as they are close to my age and here we were at a party of 20 somethings. They were all amazed that I know this group of people. Hey, can I help it if they find me annoying, I mean charming?
We were out until about midnight, but it was worth every moment. I have about 100 pictures to go through today while I wait for the client to actually be ready for me. This should prove to be a fun day as well...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Y2 D34
Freaking out again. Had another night of bad dreams. Back to two hour sleep chunks. First one I was walking around an office building and couldn't remember where my desk was. I had been moved seven times in two months in my dream and couldn't remember the last place they moved me. The whole time there were weird things going on in the office like some kind of strange party. In the second I was in some cafeteria trying to get food but the food wouldn't come. No matter what I ordered there was nothing. Don't know what my brain is saying, but it freaked me out.
Had a quiet day for the most part yesterday. Heard back from my bosses on a couple of financial issues. If I can just make it to the 9th without dying I should be ok. I should be able to get through the month. All I have to do is make it 10 days. 10 very long days. Can't leave the house, can't buy ANYTHING for the next 10 days. Makes it tough when you have a teenager in the house.
Speaking of which, she went off to the city by herself for the first time. Took the train and met a friend for lunch. She did great. Of course her mother had to chew her out with a lecture last night. About how she could have been meeting some pedophile who was going to rape and kill her. Because obviously I am so stupid I would let my Kid be in a situation like that. Poor kid was completely stressed out because of her fucking mother.
We had a long talk after that about owning your issues and how neither me nor her mother are her cross to bear. She is about to embark on her own life and can't be worrying about us. It's not her burden. She felt better but still can't stand when her mother does shit like that. I don't like it either. Drives me up a wall.
My client doesn't need me until tomorrow which means I was home yesterday and today again. This is not good. This is part of why I am stressing - no work = no money. Money. It's always about money isn't it? I think everyone right now in this wonderful country is dealing with the same stress of that one. Ok maybe not everyone, but the normal people that's for sure. I can't whine about it because there is no one who will listen as everyone has their own issues to contend with on that front. I am but one of many. I just wish I could figure out a way to get out of the fucking hole I am in. Just get my head above water for a while. This is where I have loathing for X2. She got away clean. Yes, I am back on that because it's what causes me the most stress.
Fuck it. Doesn't matter. I have a roof over our heads for one more month at least. I know that no matter what I am good for 30 - 40 days with that part of life. I don't need to eat. As long as the kid eats. And I will do anything to make sure she never knows hunger.
Had a quiet day for the most part yesterday. Heard back from my bosses on a couple of financial issues. If I can just make it to the 9th without dying I should be ok. I should be able to get through the month. All I have to do is make it 10 days. 10 very long days. Can't leave the house, can't buy ANYTHING for the next 10 days. Makes it tough when you have a teenager in the house.
Speaking of which, she went off to the city by herself for the first time. Took the train and met a friend for lunch. She did great. Of course her mother had to chew her out with a lecture last night. About how she could have been meeting some pedophile who was going to rape and kill her. Because obviously I am so stupid I would let my Kid be in a situation like that. Poor kid was completely stressed out because of her fucking mother.
We had a long talk after that about owning your issues and how neither me nor her mother are her cross to bear. She is about to embark on her own life and can't be worrying about us. It's not her burden. She felt better but still can't stand when her mother does shit like that. I don't like it either. Drives me up a wall.
My client doesn't need me until tomorrow which means I was home yesterday and today again. This is not good. This is part of why I am stressing - no work = no money. Money. It's always about money isn't it? I think everyone right now in this wonderful country is dealing with the same stress of that one. Ok maybe not everyone, but the normal people that's for sure. I can't whine about it because there is no one who will listen as everyone has their own issues to contend with on that front. I am but one of many. I just wish I could figure out a way to get out of the fucking hole I am in. Just get my head above water for a while. This is where I have loathing for X2. She got away clean. Yes, I am back on that because it's what causes me the most stress.
Fuck it. Doesn't matter. I have a roof over our heads for one more month at least. I know that no matter what I am good for 30 - 40 days with that part of life. I don't need to eat. As long as the kid eats. And I will do anything to make sure she never knows hunger.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Y2 D33
I had my first dream about X2 in a long time last night. Not sure why or where it came from, but it was painful. Not in a miss her sort of way, but in a "goddamn it, my life is fucked up and yet she is smelling like a fucking rose" sort of way.
Not feeling very put together right now. I am stressing about a few things and there is nothing I can do about any of them without potentially causing bigger problems. I feel like I am in a whirlwind of shit and have to try and stand up against it all, but it's getting harder to do that. I am about to be in a very bad hole.
Yesterday was very quiet. I went and saw my grandmother and aunt who I haven't seen in about two years. No, we're not a very close family ok? The only reason I went over there is because she hasn't seen the kid in a couple of years either and it was the right thing to do. She is 80 something and I played nice. My head was still splitting from my absinthe binge and it was hard to act like I cared, but I managed. Came home, took a nap, then watched movies the rest of the day. Basically a normal Sunday for most people.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel very overwhelmed. I am just taking it day by day to see how everything comes together or continues to fall apart. It's all decaying around me so quickly.
Not feeling very put together right now. I am stressing about a few things and there is nothing I can do about any of them without potentially causing bigger problems. I feel like I am in a whirlwind of shit and have to try and stand up against it all, but it's getting harder to do that. I am about to be in a very bad hole.
Yesterday was very quiet. I went and saw my grandmother and aunt who I haven't seen in about two years. No, we're not a very close family ok? The only reason I went over there is because she hasn't seen the kid in a couple of years either and it was the right thing to do. She is 80 something and I played nice. My head was still splitting from my absinthe binge and it was hard to act like I cared, but I managed. Came home, took a nap, then watched movies the rest of the day. Basically a normal Sunday for most people.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel very overwhelmed. I am just taking it day by day to see how everything comes together or continues to fall apart. It's all decaying around me so quickly.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Y2 D32
Absinthe is a motherfucker.
Just make note of that. Stay away from it boys and girls. Make you do really bad things. I am pretty black on most of last night from about 9 on. I made it home, barely.
Made too many drunk dials last night. Think I fucked things up in a couple of ways. But hey, welcome to my vortex of destruction. And N1 wonders why I broke up with her. Please. You don't want any of this. I am a goddamn whirlwind of evil. It all goes well until it stops going well. Then boom, it hurts.
Hi glad to meet you, let me ruin everything.
Punishment. Pain. Oh yeah. I deserve it all.
Was at an equestrian party yesterday. Yes you read that right. Not sure how I ended up there, but I did. They tried to introduce me to the right ones, but somehow I ended up with the wrong one. H. Hello Miss H. You are way too young for me, but I don't care. I am realizing your age group is the only group that can even come close to keeping up with me. Hell you went home before I did. Oh yes, after taking you to your car, I went back inside sweetheart. I think I got asked to leave at one point. Cest la vie.
I am paying the price this morning. Always pay the price but damn if it isn't fun for the moment. Life is about moments. Let's see where this one leads...
Just make note of that. Stay away from it boys and girls. Make you do really bad things. I am pretty black on most of last night from about 9 on. I made it home, barely.
Made too many drunk dials last night. Think I fucked things up in a couple of ways. But hey, welcome to my vortex of destruction. And N1 wonders why I broke up with her. Please. You don't want any of this. I am a goddamn whirlwind of evil. It all goes well until it stops going well. Then boom, it hurts.
Hi glad to meet you, let me ruin everything.
Punishment. Pain. Oh yeah. I deserve it all.
Was at an equestrian party yesterday. Yes you read that right. Not sure how I ended up there, but I did. They tried to introduce me to the right ones, but somehow I ended up with the wrong one. H. Hello Miss H. You are way too young for me, but I don't care. I am realizing your age group is the only group that can even come close to keeping up with me. Hell you went home before I did. Oh yes, after taking you to your car, I went back inside sweetheart. I think I got asked to leave at one point. Cest la vie.
I am paying the price this morning. Always pay the price but damn if it isn't fun for the moment. Life is about moments. Let's see where this one leads...
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Y2 D31
And the truth shall set you free...
Three hours of new ink yesterday. Everyone thinks I am crazy. I did it because I had to do it. No regrets, no complaints. Other than pain. I am happy. It is important to me. Don't you get that? I can't keep living a lie. I have to be reminded every day to be truthful to myself. The hell with the rest of the world. I have to be honest to me. I did it for me. I don't care what you think or say. It's not for you.
That was pretty much how I spent my day. Getting scarred once more.
Not much else went on yesterday to be honest with you. We texted through the whole process. She was dubious about how it was going to turn out. But when it was done, even she liked it. I guess at this point I should give her a real name in here instead of just being "her". How about LO? Some of you might know what that means already. I have been casually referring to her as that already. If you don't, tough. It's now LO. I can't believe we are still in communication. I expected it to have faded already. For the shine to wear off, but yet here we are. Three weeks out and there is still something. Don't know what that something is, but we haven't ended anything yet. Hell, I still have the thank you & goodbye email sitting in my drafts folder that I wrote almost 2 weeks ago. But I haven't had to send it. Odd.
Watched a couple of movies yesterday. How To Train Your Dragon and Runaways. The first, outstanding. A great movie with a real story. I now know why everyone said you must see this movie. The other? Meh. It was less the story of the Runaways and more the breakdown of Cherie Curie and the lesbian antics of Joan Jett. I think Lita Ford had three lines the whole movie. Sandy West had even less. It was less of a documentary like I was expecting and more of a soft porn Skinemax Friday night. Sad.
Went to bed relatively early. Was in bed around 1. Had trouble sleeping obviously because of the new work, but not too much. I am getting close to being caught up on sleep. Which of course just means I will be ready to go another two weeks without any.
Today is once again house cleaning day. Time to organize, pay bills, pay rent, clean. Staying home today. Need to be cool for the next couple of days to see how all my bills play out. Still not 100% sure on how things are going to go with that.
My birthday is in 10 days. For the first time I am NOT excited. Sad.
And here, complete with blood:
Three hours of new ink yesterday. Everyone thinks I am crazy. I did it because I had to do it. No regrets, no complaints. Other than pain. I am happy. It is important to me. Don't you get that? I can't keep living a lie. I have to be reminded every day to be truthful to myself. The hell with the rest of the world. I have to be honest to me. I did it for me. I don't care what you think or say. It's not for you.
That was pretty much how I spent my day. Getting scarred once more.
Not much else went on yesterday to be honest with you. We texted through the whole process. She was dubious about how it was going to turn out. But when it was done, even she liked it. I guess at this point I should give her a real name in here instead of just being "her". How about LO? Some of you might know what that means already. I have been casually referring to her as that already. If you don't, tough. It's now LO. I can't believe we are still in communication. I expected it to have faded already. For the shine to wear off, but yet here we are. Three weeks out and there is still something. Don't know what that something is, but we haven't ended anything yet. Hell, I still have the thank you & goodbye email sitting in my drafts folder that I wrote almost 2 weeks ago. But I haven't had to send it. Odd.
Watched a couple of movies yesterday. How To Train Your Dragon and Runaways. The first, outstanding. A great movie with a real story. I now know why everyone said you must see this movie. The other? Meh. It was less the story of the Runaways and more the breakdown of Cherie Curie and the lesbian antics of Joan Jett. I think Lita Ford had three lines the whole movie. Sandy West had even less. It was less of a documentary like I was expecting and more of a soft porn Skinemax Friday night. Sad.
Went to bed relatively early. Was in bed around 1. Had trouble sleeping obviously because of the new work, but not too much. I am getting close to being caught up on sleep. Which of course just means I will be ready to go another two weeks without any.
Today is once again house cleaning day. Time to organize, pay bills, pay rent, clean. Staying home today. Need to be cool for the next couple of days to see how all my bills play out. Still not 100% sure on how things are going to go with that.
My birthday is in 10 days. For the first time I am NOT excited. Sad.
And here, complete with blood:
Friday, June 25, 2010
Y2 D30
Been a month since I started this new blog. Amazing how time flies when you are going insane.
Spent the day in the city with the kid yesterday. We just bummed around. Didn't really do anything in particular. The weather was shit and we both froze our asses off, but it was still a fun time for all. I found a new hat. Yeah, because I need another one like I need a hole in the head. But it kept my head warm and I stopped freezing.
I also felt light hearted because of my decision to break up with N1. I felt relieved that I didn't have to worry about calling or checking in with anyone. I know that is a selfish feeling, but it was the right feeling for where I am right now.
Re-enabled my Match and eHarmony profiles yesterday too because of everything. Let's see if I get anything off of that. I also adjusted my "wants" on both sites. Lowered the age limit, changed some of the other criteria. Now that I have seen all sides, I know what it is I am looking for in a woman. I do promise I won't whine about being alone this time as it was my choice to do this.
We spent the whole day doing nothing. Took the train there and back. Didn't get home until almost 10pm. Tried to sleep, but found myself once again in a texting match with the other one. That went on until 2:30 again. She's killing me in the sense that I am staying up later and later just to have the thrill of talking with her. Maybe it's time I got a night job so I don't have to worry about being up in the daytime.
Speaking of jobs, my paycheck posted last night. I am worried now that I am a hybrid employee that my regular paycheck won't cover my monthly bills. I agreed to a certain number because I thought it would be enough to cover my monthly outgoing. I still need to see how things play out, but right now I am not sure it's going to be enough. I need just a few hundred more a month to be on the safe side and be able to handle the gap between paycheck and bonus check. If we had did a MONTHLY like I wanted instead of a quarterly, then I would be fine. I am going to play it out for one more pay period before I say anything.
These are the days I miss having a two income household, that's for sure. There is truth to two can live cheaper than one.
New ink today. 3pm. Pictures tomorrow.
Spent the day in the city with the kid yesterday. We just bummed around. Didn't really do anything in particular. The weather was shit and we both froze our asses off, but it was still a fun time for all. I found a new hat. Yeah, because I need another one like I need a hole in the head. But it kept my head warm and I stopped freezing.
I also felt light hearted because of my decision to break up with N1. I felt relieved that I didn't have to worry about calling or checking in with anyone. I know that is a selfish feeling, but it was the right feeling for where I am right now.
Re-enabled my Match and eHarmony profiles yesterday too because of everything. Let's see if I get anything off of that. I also adjusted my "wants" on both sites. Lowered the age limit, changed some of the other criteria. Now that I have seen all sides, I know what it is I am looking for in a woman. I do promise I won't whine about being alone this time as it was my choice to do this.
We spent the whole day doing nothing. Took the train there and back. Didn't get home until almost 10pm. Tried to sleep, but found myself once again in a texting match with the other one. That went on until 2:30 again. She's killing me in the sense that I am staying up later and later just to have the thrill of talking with her. Maybe it's time I got a night job so I don't have to worry about being up in the daytime.
Speaking of jobs, my paycheck posted last night. I am worried now that I am a hybrid employee that my regular paycheck won't cover my monthly bills. I agreed to a certain number because I thought it would be enough to cover my monthly outgoing. I still need to see how things play out, but right now I am not sure it's going to be enough. I need just a few hundred more a month to be on the safe side and be able to handle the gap between paycheck and bonus check. If we had did a MONTHLY like I wanted instead of a quarterly, then I would be fine. I am going to play it out for one more pay period before I say anything.
These are the days I miss having a two income household, that's for sure. There is truth to two can live cheaper than one.
New ink today. 3pm. Pictures tomorrow.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Y2 D29
The one who strips your soul is the one who got away...
I did the right thing last night, yet I feel like I did something wrong. I ended it with N1 last night. I stressed and stressed all day for a 4 minute conversation. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not the right guy for her. She needed too much from a man that I couldn't give her. The bottom line was yesterday morning she texted me wanting to go to a party with her on Sunday. I knew this was going to be a meet my friends kind of party and I didn't want to fake it for just one more show. I had to move forward. I was going in circles. So I put an end to it. Let her find someone who can appreciate the attention and the love she has to give. I am too far gone to handle it. I am not that guy. I need to hurt. I decided I would be better off alone than living something false.
Inside, I am happy. I feel free. Free to not worry about compromising what I want or need. Of course this means I am back out there on the market. I still have my little infatuation. We were texting until 3am. That was something else I noticed yesterday. The one who is here and wants me? We traded four texts yesterday. The other one? 51. Small difference?
I did stick my head down the bottom of a bottle last night because of all this. I didn't know what else to do. It's my answer for pretty much everything. There's nothing better than a nice blinding numbness. Can't feel, can't think, can't stress.
It's cold and rainy this morning. A perfect fit to my mood.
I did the right thing last night, yet I feel like I did something wrong. I ended it with N1 last night. I stressed and stressed all day for a 4 minute conversation. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not the right guy for her. She needed too much from a man that I couldn't give her. The bottom line was yesterday morning she texted me wanting to go to a party with her on Sunday. I knew this was going to be a meet my friends kind of party and I didn't want to fake it for just one more show. I had to move forward. I was going in circles. So I put an end to it. Let her find someone who can appreciate the attention and the love she has to give. I am too far gone to handle it. I am not that guy. I need to hurt. I decided I would be better off alone than living something false.
Inside, I am happy. I feel free. Free to not worry about compromising what I want or need. Of course this means I am back out there on the market. I still have my little infatuation. We were texting until 3am. That was something else I noticed yesterday. The one who is here and wants me? We traded four texts yesterday. The other one? 51. Small difference?
I did stick my head down the bottom of a bottle last night because of all this. I didn't know what else to do. It's my answer for pretty much everything. There's nothing better than a nice blinding numbness. Can't feel, can't think, can't stress.
It's cold and rainy this morning. A perfect fit to my mood.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Y2 D28
I added two new members to my family yesterday. Two bunnies. I didn't start out with a plan of getting two bunnies. Hell I didn't even start out with the plan of getting one bunny, but somehow by 5pm yesterday I had TWO bunnies in the house. The Kid and I have named them Neo and Morpheus. She has been after me for a while to get a bunny ever since the ones she had a few years back were brutally eaten by the dogs at her mother's house. X2 would never let us have any and I think in part this is one of those I did it because I could kind of things. Plus I can't ever say no or disappoint the Kid, you know that.
We started out the day pretty mellow. Lounged, did some work remote for one client, then we headed over to the animal shelter. We found one that we liked. I had to go back and check the rules of my building before committing and they treat rabbits like mice or rats. As long as it's in a cage, there is no additional deposit or monthly charge.
I had to take two conference calls. I believe I may have redeemed myself at least in the eyes of one important person at my office, but it's still an uphill battle to fully put the issues behind me. After that we went back to the shelter and when we went to get the rabbit they informed us that he was bonded with the other one in the cage. Sigh, fine, give me both.
Spent the rest of the day setting up a hutch, food, etc. The cat is curious but not pissed which is surprising me. I expected her to be freaking out but so far she is good with it. If the Kid fails in anyway to clean or care for these things? Dinner. Sorry. That's the rules.
Went and interviewed new artists last night around 8. Found one shop and guy I liked. On Friday at 3pm I go back under the needle. Pictures and details on Saturday. Today I am onsite again at a client.
Tonight I am going to the movies with N1. I need to let this play itself out. I have to stop railing against it so hard. We will see. And yes, she is still texting me. I wish I could get on a plane right now...
We started out the day pretty mellow. Lounged, did some work remote for one client, then we headed over to the animal shelter. We found one that we liked. I had to go back and check the rules of my building before committing and they treat rabbits like mice or rats. As long as it's in a cage, there is no additional deposit or monthly charge.
I had to take two conference calls. I believe I may have redeemed myself at least in the eyes of one important person at my office, but it's still an uphill battle to fully put the issues behind me. After that we went back to the shelter and when we went to get the rabbit they informed us that he was bonded with the other one in the cage. Sigh, fine, give me both.
Spent the rest of the day setting up a hutch, food, etc. The cat is curious but not pissed which is surprising me. I expected her to be freaking out but so far she is good with it. If the Kid fails in anyway to clean or care for these things? Dinner. Sorry. That's the rules.
Went and interviewed new artists last night around 8. Found one shop and guy I liked. On Friday at 3pm I go back under the needle. Pictures and details on Saturday. Today I am onsite again at a client.
Tonight I am going to the movies with N1. I need to let this play itself out. I have to stop railing against it so hard. We will see. And yes, she is still texting me. I wish I could get on a plane right now...
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Y2 D27
Another good day. And not one of complacency or mediocrity either. I was able to strike a good balance yesterday. Did some good work for my client, talked to our head of training about what happened in Phoenix. He wasn't totally happy with me, but he could see how I was getting nailed on some things that weren't 100% my fault. That's all I could hope for in this case. That yes, I went off script and I crossed a line, but at the same time, there were some additional circumstances.
Had dinner with an old friend from my previous job. He has been flying back and forth doing some consulting work himself. As of last night, he landed a full time SVP gig back in town and doesn't have to do the travel thing anymore. Who knows, this might in the future prove a benefit to me.
Regardless, I am happy for him. He has small kids and a new wife and shouldn't be dealing with all the road travel. Doesn't suit him. He is a much more stable guy and needs to be home on a regular basis.
We went out and celebrated his new position as well as just being able to see each other. Had a good time and was home around 10. Unfortunately I couldn't sleep and at 1 started baking. Ended up making cheesy cornbread at 1am. Came out pretty damn good if I do say so myself.
Also picked up a check yesterday which helped things. I am now ok for a few weeks until I can see how my regular checks are going to stand up against my monthly outgoing. I may need to see about negotiating a slightly higher base over bonus. We will see how that goes.
The kid and I stayed up until she crashed around 2. I putzed around some more than slept from 3 until about 5. Then I started in doing some work for my other client. Still have some more to do, but at least I was able to get ahead of the game early this morning.
I am feeling better about some things, and worse about others. I still need to break up with N1 because I can't shake the feeling that I am bad for her. Our lifestyles and personalities just aren't meshing in so many different ways. Plus I feel like she wants to change me. I think she sees me as some charity case she can mold into a better man. I don't need to be a better man - I am a god already. :)
We are supposed to go to the movies on Wednesday. I will see how that goes. We have plans for next Tuesday that I promised her and I don't break promises. I will wait until after the event. In other news, my infatuation still won't die. We are over 400 texts as of 2am this morning. Scary. Why can't either of us let it go?
Had dinner with an old friend from my previous job. He has been flying back and forth doing some consulting work himself. As of last night, he landed a full time SVP gig back in town and doesn't have to do the travel thing anymore. Who knows, this might in the future prove a benefit to me.
Regardless, I am happy for him. He has small kids and a new wife and shouldn't be dealing with all the road travel. Doesn't suit him. He is a much more stable guy and needs to be home on a regular basis.
We went out and celebrated his new position as well as just being able to see each other. Had a good time and was home around 10. Unfortunately I couldn't sleep and at 1 started baking. Ended up making cheesy cornbread at 1am. Came out pretty damn good if I do say so myself.
Also picked up a check yesterday which helped things. I am now ok for a few weeks until I can see how my regular checks are going to stand up against my monthly outgoing. I may need to see about negotiating a slightly higher base over bonus. We will see how that goes.
The kid and I stayed up until she crashed around 2. I putzed around some more than slept from 3 until about 5. Then I started in doing some work for my other client. Still have some more to do, but at least I was able to get ahead of the game early this morning.
I am feeling better about some things, and worse about others. I still need to break up with N1 because I can't shake the feeling that I am bad for her. Our lifestyles and personalities just aren't meshing in so many different ways. Plus I feel like she wants to change me. I think she sees me as some charity case she can mold into a better man. I don't need to be a better man - I am a god already. :)
We are supposed to go to the movies on Wednesday. I will see how that goes. We have plans for next Tuesday that I promised her and I don't break promises. I will wait until after the event. In other news, my infatuation still won't die. We are over 400 texts as of 2am this morning. Scary. Why can't either of us let it go?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Y2 D26
Yesterday was Father's Day and I think it's the best one I have had in years. The Kid let me sleep until 10am which unto itself is amazing. We didn't go to bed until 2, but still for me to get 8 hours of sleep is unheard of these days. I don't think I slept straight, but I slept a good chunk of it.
She greeted me with two cards. The first one has a picture of a fat guy holding a giant fish and inside it says "I wanted to get you an appropriately sentimental card for Father's Day, but I just kept coming back to this one with the fat guy holding a fish." Nice. But it was the second one that really touched me. It says on the outside:
"There was a dad who had a daughter. Swung her, chased her, caught her, hugged her, loved her, praised her, taught her. Oh what happiness he brought her."
And on the inside:
"Happy Dad's Day from that daughter"
Made me cry.
Despite all my fucking up and self-centered, selfish, ugliness, she showed me that I am not a horrible person where it counts. That no matter what, there is one shining star in my life that I have not destroyed. I love my Kid more than anything else. Without her, I would have ended it a long time ago. But to know that at the very least, I have done right by her, keeps me going. It makes everything else feel so small and insignificant. She is the proudest and greatest thing in my life. And yesterday she showed me that I can do ok. That I am not completely useless. I thank her for that.
I made her waffles and bacon for breakfast as a thank you for the cards.
We went to the movies and I made her sit through Jonah Hex as payback for the bad movies she made me watch. It wasn't awful, just not great. Too much shoved into 90 minutes. Hard to follow and really feel anything for the characters. But not a "bad" movie.
We then did a full afternoon tea service. Sandwiches, cakes, the whole nine yards. Loved it.
We then came home, relaxed, and I went to bed early. All in all, a perfect father's day. Thank you daughter for that. I needed it.
She greeted me with two cards. The first one has a picture of a fat guy holding a giant fish and inside it says "I wanted to get you an appropriately sentimental card for Father's Day, but I just kept coming back to this one with the fat guy holding a fish." Nice. But it was the second one that really touched me. It says on the outside:
"There was a dad who had a daughter. Swung her, chased her, caught her, hugged her, loved her, praised her, taught her. Oh what happiness he brought her."
And on the inside:
"Happy Dad's Day from that daughter"
Made me cry.
Despite all my fucking up and self-centered, selfish, ugliness, she showed me that I am not a horrible person where it counts. That no matter what, there is one shining star in my life that I have not destroyed. I love my Kid more than anything else. Without her, I would have ended it a long time ago. But to know that at the very least, I have done right by her, keeps me going. It makes everything else feel so small and insignificant. She is the proudest and greatest thing in my life. And yesterday she showed me that I can do ok. That I am not completely useless. I thank her for that.
I made her waffles and bacon for breakfast as a thank you for the cards.
We went to the movies and I made her sit through Jonah Hex as payback for the bad movies she made me watch. It wasn't awful, just not great. Too much shoved into 90 minutes. Hard to follow and really feel anything for the characters. But not a "bad" movie.
We then did a full afternoon tea service. Sandwiches, cakes, the whole nine yards. Loved it.
We then came home, relaxed, and I went to bed early. All in all, a perfect father's day. Thank you daughter for that. I needed it.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Y2 D25
Had a fantastic day yesterday. FINALLY had a chance to put my house in order. Did bills, laundry, cleaned. My god how good it felt to be "homey" again. I need it I know it. I just need to find that balance between being insane and staying inside to recharge. Even I can only go so long before things slip and break.
I am recharged. I am back on some kind of a track. Not sure what that track is quite yet, but I am headed in a direction. A circle is a direction, right?
Made corned beef and cabbage in the slow cooker. Watched THREE movies with the Kid. Took a nice nap. Dyed her hair again an even brighter shade of red. She loves it.
We watched two really awful movies - Dreamland and The Evil Bong (no really, that's the name of it. It has Tommy Chong in it and was directed by Charles Band; what does that tell you??). Then we watched a really good, underrated movie - Repo Men with Jude Law and Forrest Whittaker. Fantastic freakin' movie. I highly recommend it.
Now? Now I am going to make waffles.
I am recharged. I am back on some kind of a track. Not sure what that track is quite yet, but I am headed in a direction. A circle is a direction, right?
Made corned beef and cabbage in the slow cooker. Watched THREE movies with the Kid. Took a nice nap. Dyed her hair again an even brighter shade of red. She loves it.
We watched two really awful movies - Dreamland and The Evil Bong (no really, that's the name of it. It has Tommy Chong in it and was directed by Charles Band; what does that tell you??). Then we watched a really good, underrated movie - Repo Men with Jude Law and Forrest Whittaker. Fantastic freakin' movie. I highly recommend it.
Now? Now I am going to make waffles.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Y2 D24
So what do you know, this honesty thing might actually work. I had a very long talk with N1 one last night. We were supposed to go to the movies and meet at 7. Around 6 she sends me a text saying new ETA of 7:20. I got down to where we were supposed to meet and decided screw this, no movie, we need to talk. I sent her a text saying screw the movie, meet me at the bar of XXXX. She shows up at around 7:30 and I say let's talk.
I go into how I don't know if our lifestyles are going to really mesh over the long picture. I told her that she won't like my drinking. I told her that I am an arrogant conceited over-grown child and a label whore. I laid it all out on the line. I told her I wasn't going to stop smoking any time soon. Nor was I ever going to stop drinking. I also told her I have issues with people being late. I told her I doubted I was good boyfriend material. I was never going to stop being a flirt, the center of attention, or a smart ass. I told her I don't let my guard down because I just end up getting hurt. I told her I would probably hurt her.
All that and she still had dinner with me. All that and she is still willing to keep dating. Ok woman, don't say I didn't warn you sufficiently.
Almost went 24 hours without hearing from the other one. Almost. So damn close. Can't believe it's been two weeks. I swear if I could I would throw everything away right now, get on a plane, grab her, and go to France. Seriously. I know why I can't let it go. She is too much like X2. She is everything I had. Everything I was content with at one point. She is shallow, self-centered, tall, arrogant, independent, and a bitch in her own way. She is perfect for me. But just like X2, it's not sustainable. We would burn very bright together and then explode. Leaving more dead bodies, hurt people, and damage. I couldn't recover from a second time of that. Hell, I haven't fully recovered from the first time. I have this tattoo on me to remind me. I need to look at it today and really think through what the hell I am doing.
Talked to my boss (one of them) and like a child before the father asked for forgiveness. I received it. Thank you. Now I just need to rebuild their trust and show them it was a fuck-up nothing more nothing less.
Today I have to get my house in order. Literally.
I go into how I don't know if our lifestyles are going to really mesh over the long picture. I told her that she won't like my drinking. I told her that I am an arrogant conceited over-grown child and a label whore. I laid it all out on the line. I told her I wasn't going to stop smoking any time soon. Nor was I ever going to stop drinking. I also told her I have issues with people being late. I told her I doubted I was good boyfriend material. I was never going to stop being a flirt, the center of attention, or a smart ass. I told her I don't let my guard down because I just end up getting hurt. I told her I would probably hurt her.
All that and she still had dinner with me. All that and she is still willing to keep dating. Ok woman, don't say I didn't warn you sufficiently.
Almost went 24 hours without hearing from the other one. Almost. So damn close. Can't believe it's been two weeks. I swear if I could I would throw everything away right now, get on a plane, grab her, and go to France. Seriously. I know why I can't let it go. She is too much like X2. She is everything I had. Everything I was content with at one point. She is shallow, self-centered, tall, arrogant, independent, and a bitch in her own way. She is perfect for me. But just like X2, it's not sustainable. We would burn very bright together and then explode. Leaving more dead bodies, hurt people, and damage. I couldn't recover from a second time of that. Hell, I haven't fully recovered from the first time. I have this tattoo on me to remind me. I need to look at it today and really think through what the hell I am doing.
Talked to my boss (one of them) and like a child before the father asked for forgiveness. I received it. Thank you. Now I just need to rebuild their trust and show them it was a fuck-up nothing more nothing less.
Today I have to get my house in order. Literally.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Y2 D23
Youth is wasted on the... no wait fuck that, youth is just wasted...
OMG It's SO IMPORTANT THAT I TALK TO YOU... yeah then why didn't you call? Oh, I see, I have to text you the next day? So what was so goddamn important?? Oh don't worry about it, it was nothing. WTF? Motherfucker...
Spend 24 hours stressing about being a daddy again, or an STD, or that I ruined another life all for the let down of the century. People. Can't live with them, can't put more than one in your trunk at a time...
Had fun last night though regardless of the stress. Back in the groove at work. Feeling it. Still not sure the outcome of my fuck up from earlier this week, but just keeping my head down and being the good boy. Lay low and hope it all goes away.
Had a wine tasting party last night at my friend's restaurant. Again - fucking people. Wait let me back up...
Got home from work and made dinner for the kid - made a mac & cheese with olives, garlic, chevre, and penne. Made her a chocolate mousse from scratch. Made her help too. Got to get that kid in the mode of knowing how to cook for herself.
Side note - the worst commercials ever were those Carl's Jr ones where they showed the stupid guy putting an avocado in the blender and they had the tagline of "if it wasn't for us guys wouldn't eat". Bullshit. The majority of the great chefs in the world are MEN you fuck face...
Wow. I am smarmy today...
So made her mousse and then headed of to the wine tasting. I *HAD* 10 confirmed as of 5 or 6 for a 7pm event. I was the host and it was my name on the reservation. How many showed? 3. Three. Troi. Tres. Cocksuckers.
I am not going to be scheduling any more events if people can't bother to show.
Anyway, the THREE of us had a great time. Some good wine, great conversation, and just had fun. After there, I headed out with one of the servers and this cute lesbian couple. We ended up at another bar drinking this things called "voleiballs". Some vodka concoction. The server brought one of the other customers and I got to see how I look through other people's eyes. He was older than me, not by much, but enough, and she is 31. Ah. So that's what I look like when I am hitting on younger women... Got it. Have to admit, if he did go home with her? Way to go brother. This old man won't knock you.
Got in around midnight and decided to wake up the neighbors with some heavy metal guitar playing. Ok, I was once again drunk and it was mostly noise, but what the hell. Texted the little one at 1 something to say hi. Yeah, I know. Smitten. Infatuated. Need to let it die, but that's so fucking hard.
Passed out and ended up getting up late. Made it out of the house in sixteen minutes this morning. Rock and roll baby. Rule #743 - if you're gonna play, be ready to pay.
Tonight I am going to the movies with N1. Let's see how this goes. This may be the last time...
OMG It's SO IMPORTANT THAT I TALK TO YOU... yeah then why didn't you call? Oh, I see, I have to text you the next day? So what was so goddamn important?? Oh don't worry about it, it was nothing. WTF? Motherfucker...
Spend 24 hours stressing about being a daddy again, or an STD, or that I ruined another life all for the let down of the century. People. Can't live with them, can't put more than one in your trunk at a time...
Had fun last night though regardless of the stress. Back in the groove at work. Feeling it. Still not sure the outcome of my fuck up from earlier this week, but just keeping my head down and being the good boy. Lay low and hope it all goes away.
Had a wine tasting party last night at my friend's restaurant. Again - fucking people. Wait let me back up...
Got home from work and made dinner for the kid - made a mac & cheese with olives, garlic, chevre, and penne. Made her a chocolate mousse from scratch. Made her help too. Got to get that kid in the mode of knowing how to cook for herself.
Side note - the worst commercials ever were those Carl's Jr ones where they showed the stupid guy putting an avocado in the blender and they had the tagline of "if it wasn't for us guys wouldn't eat". Bullshit. The majority of the great chefs in the world are MEN you fuck face...
Wow. I am smarmy today...
So made her mousse and then headed of to the wine tasting. I *HAD* 10 confirmed as of 5 or 6 for a 7pm event. I was the host and it was my name on the reservation. How many showed? 3. Three. Troi. Tres. Cocksuckers.
I am not going to be scheduling any more events if people can't bother to show.
Anyway, the THREE of us had a great time. Some good wine, great conversation, and just had fun. After there, I headed out with one of the servers and this cute lesbian couple. We ended up at another bar drinking this things called "voleiballs". Some vodka concoction. The server brought one of the other customers and I got to see how I look through other people's eyes. He was older than me, not by much, but enough, and she is 31. Ah. So that's what I look like when I am hitting on younger women... Got it. Have to admit, if he did go home with her? Way to go brother. This old man won't knock you.
Got in around midnight and decided to wake up the neighbors with some heavy metal guitar playing. Ok, I was once again drunk and it was mostly noise, but what the hell. Texted the little one at 1 something to say hi. Yeah, I know. Smitten. Infatuated. Need to let it die, but that's so fucking hard.
Passed out and ended up getting up late. Made it out of the house in sixteen minutes this morning. Rock and roll baby. Rule #743 - if you're gonna play, be ready to pay.
Tonight I am going to the movies with N1. Let's see how this goes. This may be the last time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)