Y3 D45

Slept like the bloody dead last night. Solid frickin' REM sleep too. Had some awesome dreams. In one I was in Italy having cheese. In another I was having the most incredible Japanese food. I guess I need to eat more?

Had a fantastic day yesterday. Woke up without a hangover even though later I felt some of the after effects of Friday night slipping in. But I pushed through them and just enjoyed the day. Weather was great, things weren't a problem, etc. I went out in the morning and had to deal with my phone which wasn't fun. My phone was a brick when I got up. It's was having problems lately getting stuck on the boot loader screen. What I believe happened is the up button got stuck or damaged and when you push power plus the up button it takes it to the loader screen. I took it into the store and they couldn't get it to respond either. I could either send it away for $100 to fix (out of warranty, no extended plan) or get a new phone. Gee, guess what I did? They did give it to me at upgrade price which is cool AND I have 14 days to try and get my old one working again. Otherwise I now own a Droid X2. I have to rebuild all my stuff on there which is one of my tasks for today. Got home from taking care of that and a quick Target run and took a little nap. Not a big one, just enough to get me through the show last night. When I got up I worked on re-wiring all my electronics which are still strewn about from my recent rearranging of furniture. I worked on that for a little while, enough to get things ready for final plugin. See, I moved the giant buffet thing I had into a new spot, gutted it, and tried to put the electronics in it. Everything was fine but the center speaker. I ended up having to saw out a large chunk to fit the center speaker, but now it looks like a custom setup. As if it was meant to be there all the time. That did take longer than I wanted, but I am happy with the final outcome. After that, the kid and I played a little Alice and then got ready for the show.

GOOD show last night. I love that theater. Everything is so well designed except for our space. But the stage, the lighting, the sound, all that is perfect. We just have to contort to fit into our little spaces, but so worth it. And it's an early show at that theater. AND we only had six of us which forced us all to pay attention and be on top of everything. Made for a great show and we were home by 1am. Love it.

Today the kid works from 11:30 until 8 I think so I have all day to relax and finish up cleaning the house. I am actually looking forward to it.

Y3 D44

One minute I am having a conversation the next I am waking up in bed fully clothed. Yep. One of those nights. Work was good yesterday; I started with a 5:30am conference call with a client, then a training session with a client, then an install. I spent at least 5 hours on the phone yesterday with people. But I really felt like I was accomplishing something. Feels good to be part of the team finally.

After work, I went home and got ready for my BIG party. So many more people than I expected showed up last night. I invited like 90 because if I didn't invite certain people I would have never heard the end of it. I knew not all of them would show, but I had to invite them. I expected about 10, maybe 12 to actually show. My last sober count? 23. Nice. I guess I am loved despite what I think.

Got to the bar around 7 with my DD. I knew I was going to be off the deep end and I already had arranged a driver. I may be old, but sometimes even I am not stupid. People came, people went, I got presents, I got shots, I got shots in breasts, and I didn't spend a fucking penny. THAT is the best part. My friends really came through for me last night. Made me feel very loved, made sure I got home in one piece, and were there. I mean really there. I am pretty blank on a lot of the night after a certain point, but I did wake up with all my clothes, all my gifts, but no shoes. I think I tracked down my shoes, but otherwise everything is here.

I haven't talked to the kid yet so I don't know how her day went. I have a show tonight which should fill in some of the blanks.

Y3 D43

Why does somebody always come and piss on my parade? I finally start feeling good about myself and wham I end up finishing my night off crying.

I went to work yesterday and was doing okay. I received a lot of birthday well wishes throughout the day from people both online and via phone. I had a SMALL get together last night where I invited a small group of people who I knew would be comfortable at a certain bar. Not because I didn't want people there, but because I knew it was a Thursday and it isn't everyone's kind of place. That's why I am having a second party at a different venue tonight. Much larger, outside area, etc. A place we as a cast typically go where they know how to handle a rowdy group.

There were FIVE of us at the bar and around 8 we decided to go to the club where our friend is a DJ. LAST MINUTE decision. Not pre-planned at all. We grab the kid and another friend and head into the city at 9:30. I am home before midnight, in bed and ready to start today when at 1am I get a text from my director 'oh I guess our invite to XXX got lost in the mail'. WTF??? It wasn't pre-planned, we didn't stay out late, and I really can't picture them driving into the city on a Thursday night. Wow, okay I am not allowed to have a life that doesn't include them? I am not allowed to make last minute plans? Sorry for not inviting you at the last minute so you could say no? I go from feeling happy that I was home safe, that I didn't spend any money, that I had a good time to feeling like shit because I didn't include two people last minute. Thanks, thanks a fucking lot.

I saw they also changed their rsvp for tonight's event to no. Fuck them. I will do their show on Saturday but it's going to be real cold.

Y3 D42

Happy fucking birthday to me. 3rd one since my divorce, 3rd one alone. It's a fucking Thursday on top of it. No one will be around to do anything tonight. Yes, I am having a party tomorrow, but that's tomorrow.

Worked was okay yesterday. Night was okay. Wore masks all day and night. Kept all this hidden. Smile. You're on candid camera. Play nice with all the people. Make them think you're normal. Make them think you're not about to explode.

Six years to go. Life better change.

Y3 D41

The thoughts are pushing very hard right now. All I picture is pools of blood. My blood. Smeared across the walls and ending it all. Pure blackness. I am in so much agony inside my head. I want to scream but feel like I have no mouth. I feel hopeless and alone. I feel like every movement of my body is a giant exertion and I can't take much more. I am tired of just trying to 'keep going'. Can't it all just be over? Nothing makes sense any more. The despair is creeping up on me like a shadow. No joy from anything. I tried thinking of things that brought me pleasure in the past and why I don't do them any more. I came up blank. I need to run. I need to run until my blood flows like battery acid. I want to delete everything. All presence on the web. I want to not exist. To be a ghost. Maybe then the memories and the thoughts will subside. Constant connection is not the panacea they promised. 24 hour access to everything, everyone, all the time is not the savior. It's hell. It's damnation. It's ripping my soul out and leaving me empty and less connected than ever before. Instead, let me vanish in the crowd. Let me be anonymous. Everyone I know goes away in the end. I am unlovable, undesirable, unwanted. I am every un- there has ever been. I have no life. Nothing more than existence. I take up space. I want to be invisible. My life is a series of meaningless minutes that string together into meaningless hours and meaningless days. My birthday? Fuck that. Another reminder of everything I HAVEN'T accomplished? Of everything I have LOST? Of everything I will NEVER have again?

9 minutes.

How I wish.

How I wish I could have the courage. I am too weak. Just like everything else I am a failure at being a failure. I can't even destroy things properly. The only person in the world who can fuck up at fucking up. I wish I had the strength to give up. I wish I had the courage to push that person in front of the bus. To drive the car into oncoming traffic. To pour nitroglycerin into the computers in every office building. To light the world on fire. To be the spark that makes it burn. But I can't. I am weak. I am not the person I wish I was. I don't fuck like I want to. I don't look like I want to. I need an imaginary friend. I need someone to be me for a little while. Be the me I want to be but can't break free long enough to be.

8 minutes.

Yeah. Sure. Then what? I click 'Save' and I do exactly what I don't want to do in paragraph one. I leave another trace. Another footprint. Another remnant of a life not worth living. An excuse for an existence. Alone. Silent. Afraid. Angry. Frustrated. Tired. Resigned. Erased.

I am damaged beyond repair. Cannot fix this broken machine.

Yes, I quote. I quote because the words express what my feeble mind can't. I don't have the words to say the things I want to say. Can't you tell from the ramblings on the last 800 posts? It's all just a jumbled mess unless I quote. The words allow me to say what I don't know how to say on my own.

Quiet. Inside my head. All around me things keep going. I wonder if anyone else feels like this. I wonder how they cope and how they function. How does the average person not want to blow their fucking head off every single day.

I dislike the guy who sits next to me. He is too loud. Too arrogant. A reflection? Maybe. But not here. Here I am something else. I am not the same person I am elsewhere. I am never the same person. I am just whatever mask I need to wear for the situation. The father. The employee. The stranger. The performer. All masks. Here I am free. Free to be who I really am, in print at least. And to do that sometimes I need to take words from other's mouths. I have spent so long wearing masks I don't have words of my own. The thoughts I can call my own are diseased and damaged. There is nothing but noise. Static.

Did I mention LO texted me on Sunday? She finally responded to my drunken ramblings I sent here a week earlier. It was one of those late night texts where I told her how I missed her. Nothing bad or evil, just that I missed her. Silly. Holding on to once again something I can never have. She didn't respond for almost a week. That bruised the ego even further. Then randomly on Sunday she texts back apologizing for taking so long to get back to me. And that I should never apologize, nor should I say 'never'. Some day she said. Who knows what can happen she said. Then she goes on to tell me she wants her first tattoo. She wants my approval on the ink itself and where she puts it on her body. Why my approval? Am I ever going to see it? Am I ever going to run my fingers over the spot where she marks herself? I don't know, but I seriously doubt it.

Running my fingers over skin. Feeling the warmth of blood flowing through the body. I long for it. I need it. I desire it. Someone touching me in return. Despite being a psycho bitch, one moment sticks in my mind - waking up to find her staring at my chest tracing the ink with her fingers. A quiet intimate moment that meant so much. She could have killed me right then and I would have still remembered the pleasure of her fingers running over my chest. The times X2 would run her fingers over my back in the dark. The small moments of physical connection without words.

No words.

As much as I write I long for the silence. The moments where more is said in nothing than a thousand speeches or a million words in print. The moments where there is nothing but the connection of persons and they KNOW the silence says more. The silence of pleasure. The silence of anger. It doesn't matter because a connection is made. A true connection. Not just another surface fleeting moment. No. The moment that is etched in your brain until you die. I have those. They burn and scream at me. They taunt me on a daily basis. I feel them still. I know they are possible and yet like the butterfly so far out of reach. I can't have them right now. I don't think I can ever have them again. It's all so...

There, I have done it again. I have run out of coherent thoughts. It's jumbled again. All together in one screaming blinding flash of pain. So much blood for such a tiny hole.

I need someone to hold on to.

It's still getting worse after everything I've tried. What if I found a way to wash it all aside? What if she touches with those fingertips as the words spill out like fire from her lips? If she says come inside I'll come inside for her. If she says give it all I'll give everything to her. I still dream of lips I never should have kissed. Well she knows exactly what I can't resist. She's turning me into someone else. Every day I hope and pray that this will end.But when I can I do it all again. As surely as the blade's course is run, maybe my kingdom's finally come.

I don't know what's going to happen, but what can I say to you? Will "I'm sorry" make a difference? Will it ease the pain? The shame you must be feeling? Forgive me, please.

Y3 D40

It was 1984 at my house last night. No not the book or anything surreal like that, literally it felt like 1984. Why? I was playing a Dead Boy's RECORD (yes, actual vinyl) while some friends, the kid, and me all played D&D. I know. I know. But it was the kid's first exposure and she had fun. She rolled an assassin and we did a small campaign to get everyone familiar with the rules. I was playing with kids who weren't even alive when I first played D&D.

During the day, we ran a couple of errands, came home, did some more rearranging around the house, watched a few X-Files episodes, and had dinner. I made crawdads, mac&cheese, and corn on the cob.

I did meet up with a friend for coffee in the afternoon. She is looking for work and did what's known as a 'networking' meeting. It's where you invite a friend to a non-threatening locale and then casually ask about jobs and work without coming right out and asking. It's actually very effective.

42 hours until my birthday.

Y3D39

Managed to accomplish almost all of my goals yesterday. Kitty litter was handled, laundry is now done, furniture is all rearranged and the wall is painted. I still have crap everywhere and I have to rewire the entire place but otherwise I managed to knock out everything I wanted to get done. The kid enjoyed herself at the museum but came home and went right back to bed for two hours. Other than running a few errands I spent the day inside and without human contact. Just the way I wanted it. People kept trying to reach out to me but I ignored them by choice. More of the same today. Yes, it's 4th of July but I also don't care. I don't have friends who invite me places like BBQs or boating or any of that normal people shit. No, I am not the kind of person people include in their plans. So fuck it. Fine. Stop trying. Stop caring. Stay inside my hole and let the world keep on moving by me. Doesn't fucking matter anyway. 64 hours until my birthday.

Y3 D38

I almost kicked someone off cast last night with approval from my director. I don't care how stressed you think you are - you do NOT yell at me in front of the rest of the cast when I am simply trying to get shit done. I am the department co-head, not some guy off the street. I am still pretty pissed off at this person and we shall see how the week goes as I have to see him again on Friday.

Other than that minor blip the day was okay. Got up in the morning and ran a couple of quick errands with the kid. She needed to go over to her new job to try and find out her schedule. She finally explained to me why she has been so stressed. It's because she's afraid all these delays on her starting will cause them to say they don't need her after all. I told her not to worry about it and this is just the way things sometimes happen. She felt better after talking to someone inside and them telling her to start Wednesday at 8am for computer training.

After that we came back home, relaxed, watched some X-Files, napped, finished the first Alice, started the second, and headed to the show. We had a crazy show. It was one year ago that I decided to join cast. It will be still one more month before I started on cast, but it was the 4th of July show where I decided to become a cast member. A decision that has altered my life in many ways for good. Plus this was my birthday show. I did the music last night and then got my birthday spanking. Was really high on all the energy and love I was feeling from the cast. Really made my night. Until I was yelled at by a jerk. Like I said, I am still a little pissed about that. Didn't even go to pie because of it. Was home by 3:30 and in bed by 3:45.

The kid is off to the museum with her grandmother today. I am going to do laundry, paint a wall, kitty litter changing, and re-arrange furniture while she is gone. Let's see how much of those lofty goals I actually get accomplished.

Y3 D37

Slept like a fucking baby last night. Actually managed to get almost 8 hours of sleep too. Went to bed around 11:30, woke up at 3:30 and said fuck this. Went back to bed until 7. Been meandering around the house for an hour not doing much of anything. It's quiet today and I like it.

Had a good day at work yesterday. We had another one of our office parties and I made a cake for it. It was a fourth of july theme so I made a red velvet cake with white frosting and blue sprinkles. Everyone appeared to enjoy it. Plus I got to work with the CEO on a problem we are having with a client. Since he wrote the original application it's only fitting he get involved when the shit breaks. Did a little shopping at lunch. I did get a check as promised from J which allowed me to do a little birthday shopping. Spent about $100 and got some new clothes. Big sales were going on and I was able to pick up a couple of things pretty cheap. I went with one of my co-workers and she of course blamed me because she spent $800 and that made me evil. Sorry if the clothes looked good on you. Should I have lied? Plus it's your fiance's money baby so don't be acting like YOU have to pay the bill.

After work the kid and I went over to our director's house for a birthday party. Couple of the kids on cast turned 21 and we had to get them trashed. It's a rule. I did fine. Had one bottle of wine over 4 hours. No issues. Matter of fact I was one of the more sober people there which made for an interesting time. It's always weird to be sober in a room full of drunk people. You can only handle so much before you just have to go 'done, going home'. Which is what we did.

Tonight is my birthday show. Still depressed about my birthday but nothing I can do about it either.

Y3 D36

Maybe you're right. Maybe I do try too hard. But it's not to be "liked", rather to be accepted. To be loved for who I am not who I am wanted to be. I don't hide things anymore because I want to be taken for all I have to offer. I don't know.

A miracle did happen. I got a *small* check from J yesterday. Amazing. She still owes me a shit ton of money but at this point I am happy to get anything from her. Otherwise it was a pretty uneventful day. Work. Commute. X-files. Bed. Kid went to her first union meeting and training class. Fucking unions. They want her, an 18 year old part time worker, to pay a $400 initiation fee and then $400 a year in dues. I tried keeping my opinion to myself but unfortunately I stressed her out. Sometimes she is like her mother, too emotional about things. I am going to try and keep my mouth shut on this one, but still, it's fucked in my mind.