Y3 D202

I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Or at the very least I wish I knew I had another 40 or 50 years to go. I don't know if I have 10, 20, or even 30 years to go and it scares me. Not because of death but because I feel like I didn't do so many things. I feel I wasted decades being someone I wasn't. Doing things to make other people happy. Not doing things because I was scared of failing. Finally when I have abandoned all fear, finally when I have let go of making other people happy first, where do I find myself? Old, frail, brittle, and to far gone to try. I don't feel like I can risk any more. I feel like I am supposed to crawl inside the box they have ready for me. Put on the khakis and have the backyard parties. Talk about boring things with even more boring people. Take out my piercings, hide my tattoos, quit the cast, and just roll over and die. Find some woman who is just as boring and act content and happy because the time has come for me to do that. I can't rent the basement apartment in the city with two other friends. I can't have the car that barely runs and take it on a road trip cross country. I can't try a new job to see if it works out for me. I can't I can't I can't. Too many responsibilities. Too many people counting on me to do the right thing. Too many hours not my own...

Slept like shit last night and the night before. My clock is screwed up. Went into the office around 7 and sat for most of the day waiting for badges, logins, etc. It was odd being three hours ahead of everyone. When some of them were just waking up and starting their day, mine was over or close to it. Reviewed the client's infrastructure. Got a feel for what needs to be done. Sat and waited. Sat. Waited. Finally left around 4. Talked to TGF briefly a couple of times yesterday. The time difference honestly made it challenging. I decided to find some dinner. So here i am, minutes from Manhattan, Park Avenue, Broadway, Times Square, Penn Station even - and where do I end up?

White Castle. 

In Jersey. 

BAMF.

I walked there. It was about 2 miles each way. It hurt like hell but I think it was good for my leg. The equivalent of icing it (the weather) and heating it (the sweat from walking) at the same time. It actually felt pretty good when I sat back down at the hotel. The food was disgusting but it's one of those things like a Waffle House that I have to eat at if it's nearby. It's almost mandatory. No fuck that, it is mandatory. Loved it. Loved every disgusting bite of it.

Laid down on the couch in my room - did I mention I have a penthouse king suite with view of Manhattan? - and started reading. I ended up falling asleep. At 7. Fuck. I woke up at around 9:30 and texted TGF. She called back around 10:30. We talked for a while but she had to go. She was amped up on caffeine in order to write a paper. She texted me somewhere around 3 saying she finished it. But at the time, she was heads down. I went to bed and read. Couldn't fall asleep until 1, then I tossed and turned until giving up at 5:30. Going in around 8 today to see if things are done. FML.

I am sad.