Y6 D231

You ever just sit and ponder and dissect every bad choice? Every wrong decision? Every crappy moment? Every stupid fucking thing you have ever done? No? Well that's how I spent my afternoon. Regretting everything I have done for the last 40 fucking years. Every stupid purchase, every moment I needed to be cool, every marriage, everything.

What brought this on? Looking at houses. We went out yesterday morning to get B a fucking donut because she has been doing great the whole rest of this week and she has been craving a donut. Everything else aside, she did great and only ate half then and saved the other half for later. Proud of her for showing restraint. Unlike me my whole life. On the way back we saw signs for one of the housing developments in this area. To make a long story short, we spent the next 4 hours going to all four of the housing developments in this area.

Here's the positive news - for less than what I paid for my first house 12 years ago, we could have a brand new customized house here. My first house was 60 years old when we bought it, 3 'bedrooms' (one of them was a converted garage), one bath, a great yard, but we ended up putting 20,000 into it to make it nice, and it cost me $560,000. We found a floorplan we both loved yesterday that 4 bed, just under 2500 square ft and CUSTOMIZED it would be around 499 - 513. 20 year warranty on things like the foundation, 10 year on the roof and water heater, built in wiring for everything, just perfect.

But by the time we were done looking I was so fucking depressed because I can't afford the fucking down payment on ANYTHING we saw. Nothing. I can't even buy a fucking foreclosure in MI. Because I am an idiot who has made bad choice after bad fucking choice. And it hurt me as my decisions are now haunting me and hurting someone else. B deserves someone who can give her a life.

I don't know what to do or what I am going to do. But I am in fucking state right now, that's for sure. I need to figure out how to rectify a lot of years of bad choices and not ruin yet another person's life.