Y2 D117

Ladies and gentlemen, the psycho bitch is officially G-G-G-OOOOONE! Oh thank god for some sanity back in my life. And I do mean gone this time. It was not a blow-out, it was not dramatic (unbelievably) but it is now over.

Yesterday morning she texted me to ask if I could help her move some boxes (we are talking about H1 here in case any of you have lost track). I politely replied that I could help but not until later in the afternoon as I had things to do. I knew this would be unacceptable to her which is why I didn't make a big deal out it. She said to text her when I was free. I then went off and ran some errands including going to my nephew's birthday party. I tried to go to the hospital multiple times, but the first time I got there my brother was asleep, then when I came back he had six people already in the room visiting, and it was just too much. I told him not to worry that I would come back tonight.

I got home around 3 or 3:30 and sent her a text saying, I am now free if you still need help. She said, no I have two other people coming around 6 or 7 and I will be moving in with them. She told me where she is moving and it's about 30 - 40 miles away but over bridges and with traffic meaning we would not be in a position to see each other. She then said, but I would like to see you before I go. I said, no I think it's better this way. Let's leave it the way it is right now. Let's not end this on drama or a fight. Her reply was ok, then I guess we will see each other around. Yeah, I guess so...

And there it is. One month of crazy all done. Because of her, I have devised a new checklist that all potential new women must answer:

1. Are you at least 28 years of age?
2. Are you on any prescription medication (anti-depressants, anti-pyschosis, bi-polar, mood stabilizers, etc)?
3. Do you have any unresolved legal issues?
4. Do you have any ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, or ex-lovers with whom you are currently in communication with where there are no children involved?
5. Do regularly carry any type of blade or edged weapon?
6. Do you have a job?
7. Do you have a place to live?
8. Is your mood consistent for at least 24 hours at a time?

You'd think some of these would be givens, but so far in my experience... HA. That would be way to fucking easy...

Y2 D116

Technically I owe you two posts today, one for Friday and yesterday. But before I go into that, let me tell you about two weird things that happened back to back last night around midnight.

I went to bed around 10:30 because I was still feeling trashed from Friday night. Fell asleep and had the weirdest freaking dream. In it, my step-father, with whom I have had no contact in at least 20 years, had kidnapped X2's sister and was exploiting her. I decided to go rescue her and some other girls he had kidnapped. There were more details most of which were bizarre like the little dog that got in the house, or the insane cult leaders, but what a strange dream. I awoke from it to hear pounding on what I thought was my door. I realized it was the neighbor's door being struck with mighty force. That's when I heard "M this is the police, open up or we are going to break it down". That got my attention. I then heard rustling in the bushes outside my window. I am on the second floor, and the cop was tapping on the guy's window from the outside saying basically the same thing and they were just there to check on him. I guess someone was worried about this guy doing something stupid and sent the cops over. Very surreal kind of moment. I didn't hear any doors being broken down so I assume he let them in finally.

Back to Friday - went to work for a half day and then went off to meet my new doctor. I like him. Good age, good demeanor, and seems to be a sharp guy. We are meeting next week as well. He wanted to know specifically why I wanted his help and I told him I needed help with building my coping skills to be able to deal with all the shit in my life. He said that made perfect sense and he believes he can help me. Good. Let's find out.

Then I headed to the hospital to be with my brother. I met his adopted parents for the first time. Little weird, but not as odd as I thought it would be. They are now worried about his liver functions and are watching him over the weekend before deciding what to do about his heart. I am going to stop by today to see how he is doing.

After the hospital I went off to the meetup group. When I got to the bar, I saw drinks were 1/3 off for happy hour. I had about 1/2 hour left so I had a couple of drinks. Not enough to get drunk, but enough to relax without breaking the bank. I then switched over to diet coke as planned. We had a good turnout. There were 8 of us and everyone was really nice. Someone suggested we go somewhere else for a little dessert and I recommended the place where my friends work. Six of us headed over there and that's when the trouble started. My buddy was bartending and he started pouring me absinthe. I didn't pay for anything which was the upside, the downside was I had at least a 1/2 bottle of the damn stuff. Two other friends were there and after about an hour they suggested we all go off to another place. I got outside and realized there was no way in hell I could go anywhere else. I headed home. I do not remember the drive home. What I do remember is coming to briefly at 9am, naked, sitting up, on the couch. I looked around, crawled to the bedroom and passed out again until 1pm. When I got up I checked my phone and it appears I had a conversation with someone around 1. Just a buddy, nothing more. I think he was trying to figure out where I had vanished to without telling anyone. I did see I sent a text to H1 which was completely incoherent. She replied with "I don't understand" and then about two hours later, "Are you alright??". I never responded. I didn't hear from her yesterday either.

I did go to the chocolate tasting yesterday. Was not my type of people. There were 10 of including the person who was running the tasting. They were all these eco-hippie freaks. I just did not like the people there. The way the woman was presenting the chocolate and how oh this one is fair trade and helps build schools in the country blah blah blah. For $20, I expected less talk and more chocolate. We tasted 8 bars total and I liked one. You got to take home the bar you liked, but totally not worth it. Sorry. Was not impressed.

Came home, did laundry, watched PR, cleaned out my dressers and re-arranged some clothes like I had planned and went to bed. All in all a bit of a wasted day, but it's what I get for making poor impulse decisions as my friend put it. There's something there I need to think about. Do I have poor impulse control or do I simply lose control once I start? It's easy for me to say no to things when I don't want to do them, but when I start in, I have a hard time stopping. Does that make sense? I mean, I can go a week or more without drinking, but once I start drinking, I have a hard time stopping. Slight difference, but a difference none the less. I need to explore this with my doctor.

Today is my nephew's birthday. I am supposed to head over there at 1. I will make a guest appearance possibly. I am also going to the hospital as I mentioned. Other than that, not a big day planned.

Y2 D115

I have never missed a post and don't plan on starting now, but I am in bad shape right now. I just came to. I am not sure what happened. I don't know when or how I got home. I need to figure things out. Will write more tomorrow.

Y2 D114

So I get into the client yesterday and I am starting to work when I hear whistling. The guy in the cube next to me is whistling some song. It takes me a minute, but then I realize it's One That I Want from Grease. Weird. Plus this guy when I first met him I thought he was 100% gay, but supposedly he has kids and a wife. I guess he just likes showtunes?

I got really stressed out around 10 when I realized that while I got paid today, out of $2100 check, $2050 is already set to go out in bills between now and the end of the month. Totally starting freaking out. I decided I needed a little buffer so I called X1. I told her that for the first time in 15 years, I am shorting my child support check by $100. I needed to do it. She started to freak out but then I casually mentioned that I had done some research and because of my current financial situation if we had a court ordered support (which we don't) I would actually be paying her anywhere for $150 - $200 less a month. She grumbled but finally relented.

I also decided to be pro-active about a couple of things - I called DirectTV and changed my package down which will save me $58 next month. Today I am calling Verizon and knocking my phone bill down at least $50 if not more, and then this weekend I am going through the bills to see what else I can reduce. If I can get an extra $200 a month I will be ok. I already managed $60.

I did one more thing along these lines; I started applying online for a second job. I need something that will let me work early hours like 2am - 7am or at night from say 8pm - 4am. I applied at a couple of grocery stores, the bowling alley, and UPS. UPS is the best bet. They have a 3am - 8am shift which pays $15 - $20 an hour. I could get in 15 - 20 hours a week and net a couple of hundred extra a week without having to do weekend work. This would give me the buffer I need without killing me. I am hoping I hear back in the next week or so.

I wrote an email that I will be sending my bosses tomorrow morning. It's very short and to the point. Basically telling them that I am looking for a second job and while it's not their problem, it will impact my ability to travel and work nights. In a perfect world they will give me a $25,000 raise which would alleviate all this. But I don't expect it which is why I am looking for a second job.

The one thing from yesterday which most of you won't understand is H1 is back. Look, the only thing I have left in this world is my word. I don't make promises or commitments lightly you know that. Originally I had promised her I would help her pack her stuff. I didn't go back on that promise. That's it though - no sex, no touching, no nothing. I helped her pack her stuff. I won't see her this weekend. I have plans already and she is not part of them. It was a different vibe than last weekend that's for sure. We were definitely cold to each other, but civil. She knew she needed the help, and I made a promise. That's that.

Today I am off to a local client, then meeting up a meetup group for drinks. Though, I am going to have a diet coke and make it last. I want the social connection and I can handle a couple of bucks on diet cokes.

I may swing by the hospital first. I wanted to see him last night, but he was too tired. He is worn out from all of the poking and prodding.

No shows this weekend. House cleaning. Whoo frickin' hoo.

Y2 D113

Before there was Tyler, there was Travis. Travis Bickle. The first of the modern day anti-heroes. The first to lose his mind to insomnia and act out in a way that scared people.

Yes, I watched Taxi Driver last night. I was amazed at how well the movie has held up all these years. The scene with DeNiro and Foster in the diner has got to be one of cinema's finest moments. She was so young, hell they were all so young - him, her, Scorsese, Keitel, Boyle - children almost. Well ok she was, but you know what I mean.

And the shape DeNiro is in. Holy crap.

After that I watched The Machinist. Dear god I forgot how much weight Bale lost for that role. I mean, I wouldn't mind being another 5 or 10 lbs skinnier than I am, but he looks like hell. When he flexes in one seen and his ribs pop through, damn. I realized that like 40% of the movies I have watched recently all deal with insomnia and the negative effects of it. Maybe that's why I went to bed at 9:30 last night.

Side note - Steve Martin is now on Twitter. SteveMartinToGo I think is his alias. Some good stuff including how his agent is worried about him tweeting whom he then proceeds to call a wop. Amusing stuff.

I was hungry last night too. I have been rationing my food out to last until tomorrow, but last night I caved in and ate like a motherfucker. I had waffles, fried eggs, a slice of ham, and hashbrowns. I was totally craving breakfast for dinner.

H1 called around 10 but I ignored it. I didn't feel like getting into whatever drama she had going on at 10pm. About an hour later I got a text from her. She was in a minor car accident, tire blew. I received it this morning. Sad part? I don't believe her. First off, whose car? You don't own one. Why were you in someone's car at 10pm with all the shit that's going on in your life? Second, why text me? If you are in pain or need help GO TO A FUCKING DOCTOR. She is worried about paying because she is out of work, but frankly even I with my financial issues would go to a doctor if I was in a damn car accident and was having problems with my hips and walking. Geez.

Off on a 75 mile client drive today. Then depending, hospital. I *may* go over to H1's to help her pack. I did promise and you all know how I feel about breaking promises. But of course, given her "accident" she may not want me to come over. Wait until she finds out I have plans Friday night and Saturday afternoon...

Y2 D112

Very long day yesterday. Went to my client that was nearby and spent about 9 hours there. From there I headed to the hospital and spent about 2 hours with my brother. Got home and my boss decided he wanted to work on another client's issue. At 9:00. We did that until 11:00. I finally fell asleep around midnight just to get back up at 4:30. Just a very long and tiring day. Have another one today. Same pattern unfortunately. The upside is I was supposed to drive 75 miles, but that client needed to reschedule. That's the good news. This allows me to go to the local client and put more hours in there. Bad news, it will be another long day but I can handle that.

Amazing how I have less to talk about when there are no psycho drama queens in my life isn't it? She wanted me to come pick her up last night because she was having another episode. I told her I was too tired. Yes, I took her text. What else am I supposed to do? I try to be the jerk, but I always cave in some respect or another.

Funny how someone who is supposed to get hit by a bus is good enough to call when she has no one else though isn't it? Funny how they always seem to know that I will answer. Oh well. At least I am holding firm and making the right decisions for me.

Tonight LO has another broadcast. I can't wait to see it later. She is so damn good. That girl has a real future in television. And some day I will be able to turn on the TV, see her on CNN and know I had a piece of that. Yep, me the old man.

Oh, I met my brother's friend last night. He is somehow related to his adopted family but I didn't quite catch how. He is 52 and worse than me. He was playing around with a pair of 24 year olds the other night. Seems I am not the only guy who thinks with the little head instead of the big one.

Got a bunch of emails from the directors. Looks like we will be doing six shows in October. It's going to be a busy month. One on the 25th of September and then basically every Saturday and two Fridays in October. That should keep me out of trouble hopefully.

Y2 D111

It would appear I offended some people with my post the other day. Let's clear the air on that right now - I am not denying that the events that occurred on 9/11 are a tragedy. Anytime someone loses their lives without just cause it is a horrific thing. To all the families and people who lost their lives that day, it is a sad trying moment that should never be forgotten. For those families, I hope they find the solace they need to be at peace with the loss of their loved ones.

The difference for me, is I see it as similar to a major earthquake or the victims of Katrina. There too were situations where people lost their lives through no fair or just reason. For those people I hope they too find their peace. I also see tragedies every day on the news. I see earthquakes and wars and homelessness and disease, yet we don't make the same deal out of it.

I am not going to claim to be an expert on any of this, but let's say that 3000 people lost their lives that day. How many die every day in other countries? How many die on the streets of our own cities because of gang violence, random assaults, or just plain viciousness?

What I don't appreciate is how these tragedies have been used for political gain. We are fighting a war in a country where we don't belong through the justification of people losing their lives. Anyone who still believes Iraq had a hand in 9/11 is drinking Kool-Aid. We used the loss of life to create more loss of life. More have died since that day in an unjust war. I too have friends who have fought in the middle east and lost their lives. THAT tragedy has touched me personally. For those people I mourn. For any service person who has chosen to defend this country with their life, I respect, applaud, and will never speak ill of them.  I will give up my seat, my place in a line, or whatever for a service person. ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

It doesn't mean however that I have sympathy for a country that cannot look at it's own problems fairly. An example is an email my grandmother sent me yesterday. She is a right wing nut job in my opinion. She swallows the Kool-Aid that Obama is a Muslim and Sarah Palin is the savior of this country. The email she sent was basically some crap about the CEO of Progressive. How we should all cancel our insurance policies because this one person supports Obama and the ACLU and Moveon.org. Um, huh? Why should we punish all the employees of a company because one person working at it has different political beliefs than we do?

Isn't the foundation of this country based on the fact that we ensure life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness for all with respect to freedom of speech and tolerance? (Well technically if you were white, over voting age, and a land owner, but I digress). Point is, I accept my grandmother's craziness, but don't have to agree with her. I simply hit delete and move on with my day. She searches the internet for more crap like this. Obsesses over it really. 

This was my point about 9/11. Yes, embrace it as a tragedy. Feel remorse for the families who have lost their loved ones. If any of you my friends lost someone that day, then I offer you my condolences. But don't blow it out of proportion. Don't forget the people who are dying every day in the country and abroad. Don't let their memories be in vain either.

In other news…

Started a new client yesterday. Sat for two hours while someone tried to find a laptop for me. I told the client since I lived very close by that I would head home as to not burn hours needlessly. He said he would call me when the laptop was ready. I went home and watched a movie about Ed Gein. When there was still no call, I watched an old 80s movie called Dreamscape. Very similar to Inception but with a 1980s bent about nuclear war.

Got a call back from one of the doctor's offices. Have an appointment Friday afternoon. Also heard back from my old doctor. It was good hearing his voice.

Tried watching Pandorum. That was horrible. Got about 30 minutes in and decided bleh. I then watched this weird one called Ink. Another dream world movie. I recommend it. It's a bizarre movie, but worth watching if you can stick with it.

H1 sent me a text around mid-morning. Wanting to know if I wanted a hoodie I let her have back. I didn't bother to reply. Two hours later she texted me back saying she would be willing to talk to me. Um, willing to talk to me? I pondered that for a while deciding if I should call or not. Finally caved in around 8pm. I texted her and she called back around 9. I told her while I was sorry for leaving the way I did, but it was the best decision for both of us. She told me she wished I would get hit by a bus and live. I said ok, if that's how you feel I can't change that.

She hung up on me.

I slept like a fucking baby again.

Y2 D110

Oh dearest friends, I owe you an apology. A big one. I had an epiphany  yesterday afternoon. I saw things from your perspective. I saw how FUCKING ANNOYING someone who just keeps bitching about the same thing without doing a goddamn thing about it can be to one's patience. Take this as my apology to you all. I hereby decree not to be that way going forward. If I do, you are to call me out on it. Tell me to stop being an H1. I will understand.

What brought this on? She came back in the morning. Assumed I would I be home too which right off the back annoyed the hell out of me. She called as she was coming up the street letting me know. I was half tempted to tell her I wasn't there but my car was on the street and she wouldn't believe that I walked somewhere.

It all went downhill from there. It ended with a big drawn out fight because I couldn't take her any more. Sometime in the middle of the day I gave her a Xanax to shut her the fuck up and she finally passed out around 4. She slept from 4-6 and then I took her home around 7. She started crying on the way home. I knew what she wanted. She wanted me to tell her she could stay with me. I couldn't do it. She's a fucking predator posing as a house pet.

We got to her place and she went out on the patio and started freaking out crying and going off on everything that is wrong. I walked. I had to. I couldn't take it anymore. I have enough fucking drama in my life. She ran down the stairs after me and I drove right by her. Hurt like hell, but I knew I had to do it. When I got home I got texts from her telling me I am a fucking ghost and that all she wanted was a hug. She then went on to tell me how she deleted from Facebook, my emails are now spam, and she is deleting me from her cell.  And that all I accomplished was heartbreak and disenchantment.

So I guess that's it? Three weekends of something. Not sure what. Some decent sex.  Some major drama. Lies, theft, annoyance. I need to now put it behind me. I don't think I will see her again. For once it didn't end because I was a nice guy.

There's the rub. You all say I have empathy or guilt. No, I don't. I actually DON'T give a fuck. Babies don't sleep as well as I did last night.

Y2 D109

I had a conversation with my buddy early yesterday morning. It seemed like EVERYONE was up early yesterday morning. It was really weird.  I mean I was up, because I was up. Oh and H1 was up because she stayed up all night. Yes, she spent the night on Friday . Problem? Deal with it. This time however I was paying 100% attention to everything. Playing the asshole. Playing the aloof jerk. Ignoring her, walking the speed I wanted to walk, doing what I wanted, etc. Oh and I moved things of value without caring if she noticed or not. Frankly, I hope she DID notice. Show her that while she can share my bed, she can't fuck with me this time. Just fuck me. 

Anyway, I was discussing with my buddy the whole psychopath thing and how neither one of us didn't give a rat's ass that it was 9/11. I mean seriously, unless you had someone die in that tragedy, yes, I will acknowledge it's a tragedy but nothing more, why do I care? If we lived anywhere else, the explosion of building wouldn't be called anything other than TUESDAY. Back to the point. We also talked about how sometimes it's hard to control let's say, urges.

I realized I could kill her and it would probably be a few days, if not longer before anyone would notice she is missing. As long as I updated her Facebook status with some bullshit stuff and replied to the random texts on her phone, no one would know she was dead. Scary, huh? But what's the point? Where's the catharsis if no one knows or cares? It would be no different than running over a squirrel…

SQUIRREL

For the most part we spent the day hanging around the house. Didn't spend any money, watched movies on Netflix. We watched this one with Anne Hathaway called Passengers. I was being nice, but I had it figured out about 15 minutes into it. Yes, Netflix is a bit of a luxury, but for $9 a month to stream as many movies as I want, it's worth it. I am happy just sitting in the house watching movies. Much cheaper than going out and screwing around.

Did have an interesting moment in the afternoon. We were going at it around 5 or so, and after about an hour, she needed me to stop. I broke her. I have never actually broke a woman before. Totally pulled something in her back. Damn, I knew I was good, but not THAT good. Oh yeah.

She then got a call around 7 from someone on another Rocky cast asking if she could fill in doing security tonight. She agreed and wanted me to drive her. I flat out refused. The distance was too far number one and I don't have the gas for it, and number two, I didn't really want to go period. See? I am not the lapdog. I can say no. She called one of the other cast members and they picked her up.

Spent the rest of the night alone watching movies. Ran out to the grocery store for a couple of things. Nothing major, milk, eggs, and cheese. Just some stuff to supplement the food in the house. Then watched Malice in Wonderland and six short films by David Lynch. Now that was some fucked up stuff. Went to bed, she texted at 1:47 saying the show was over but she didn't know how she was getting back. Too bad. See you when you do. Oh, that's right, your computer, clothes, and stuff is here. Oh well. Guess it sits. Yeah, I can be a jerk too.

Y2 D108

Theory, Etro, Ted Baker, Robert Graham, Caravalli, Taryn Rose, 7 For All Mankind,  Seven Diamonds, Ralph Lauren Purple Label, Prada, Varvatos, Zegna, Coach, Tumi, Baum & Mercier, Marc Jobs, McQueen, Lacroix, Giorgio La Perla, Kill City, English Laundry, Hugo Boss… the list goes on.

Point? I was doing laundry last night and stepped back and took stock of my wardrobe. I may be on my way to destitute, I might be on my way to being homeless, I may be completely losing my mind, but I will be the best dressed psycho bum ever. I may not have a pot to piss in right now, but I will be dammed if I don't keep up appearances. I can still walk into any boardroom, any restaurant, any hotel, and look like I belong.  I can still fit in. I will fit in.

I also bring this up because LO had her first on air broadcast this week. I watched a downloaded version and was impressed. Not only was she the best one on the show, but she held herself years beyond her age. She carried herself with such an air of "I am better than all these children" that made me proud. Only downside? She wasn't wearing the Mizuki necklace I bought. I told her this. I told her how well she did on-air but that I was disappointed in her for not wearing the necklace and for not having a decent manicure. She apologized and promised to do both for this week's broadcast. She understands. She knows what it means to put on the mask. To show the world what the world wants to see. She will be able to tell you about the plane crash with a twinkle in her eye. Her morning routing is almost as fucked up as mine. I long for her shallowness because it takes me back to when I felt strong and capable.  I miss my life. It was so much easier hiding behind a mask back then. I could smile and walk through the crowd giving off the pretension that I didn't have a care in the world. I had the money, the woman, the cars… Money can't buy happiness, but it sure keeps insanity in check.

If I had a stage name it would be Tyler Bateman. I could do Porn Snuff films. Fuck a woman on camera until she was unconscious and then slice her open to watch her bleed out. On Laura Ashley sheets. With a Ralph Lauren duvet, no, blanket because that's what it really is, while sipping Perrier from a Reidel glass off a Ying Yang IKEA table, and watch the cranberry red flow into the material…

Which leads me to another topic…

The other night I was looking up some things to try and figure myself out. According to the Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R), I believe I am a psychopath. Not strong, but mild symptoms at least. Not to be confused with Antisocial Personality Disorder. The PCL-R has two types of categories to determine in a person is a psychopath:

Factor 1: Personality "Aggressive narcissism"

Glibness/superficial charm

Grandiose sense of self-worth

Pathological lying

Cunning/manipulative

Lack of remorse or guilt

Shallow affect

Callous/lack of empathy

Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Factor 2: Case history "Socially deviant lifestyle".

Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

Parasitic lifestyle

Poor behavioral control

Promiscuous sexual behavior

Lack of realistic long-term goals

Impulsivity

Irresponsibility

Juvenile delinquency

Early behavior problems

Revocation of conditional release

Out of 18 symptoms, I can identify with 6 Factor 1 and 6 Factor 2. I am glib, put on superficially charming, have an incredible sense of my self-worth, I can be very manipulative, obviously shallow as you can see from the start of this post, empathy is hard as hell for me, I am constantly bored and need stimulation, we all know about my poor behavior control, I am impulsive, and some days irresponsible. Promiscuous? Somewhat. Lack of remorse or guilt? This one is tough for me - Am I guilty about things because I *REALLY* am guilty or because society has taught me to be guilty? Do experience guilt because I don't want other people to see me as a monster? I don't know. I struggle with this. Now I am concerned even more about my mental health. I tried calling a couple of doctors yesterday but none of them are accepting new patients. I called my old doctor to see if he could provide a reference. I haven't heard back from him yet. I will keep trying to find a doctor. One thing that did throw me off was this:

"It has been shown that punishment and behavior modification techniques do not improve the behavior of psychopaths. Psychopathic individuals have been regularly observed to become more cunning and better able to hide their behavior. It has been suggested that traditional therapeutic approaches actually make psychopaths more adept at manipulating others and concealing their behavior. They are generally considered to be not only incurable but also untreatable."

Great, now I am untreatable. Wonderful.